I recently encountered Joan Ball again within the pages of an InTouch Magazine article. She continues to fascinate me. Her alternate, dynamic view of the Christian walk and the way it energizes and directs her every step, enabling her live in the moment with great exepctation of what's to come next...well, it simply inspires me.
This article was more of her same encouragement to live the abiding life with Christ - to take a chance on Him- to follow His lead, even if it doesn't make any sense to anyone else. To do what you really feel in your gut He is telling you to do - or to at least trust the promptings in your spirit to not remain inert and spellbound by fear.
I read that article and it made me recall my initial acquaintance with Joan at the Collyde Summit in 2012, and her words of wisdom about how God generally doesn't give us a work to do that we are prepared to do. He wants us to step out in faith and trust that He'll enable us along the way. Her comments at that time were the fuel I needed to finally decide that I would leave IBM and move forward on achieving my goal to go back to school to obtain my doctorate.
However, that dream got smashed into a million pieces. No sense going into all that again. Three schools. Three rejections. Enough said. Nonetheless, my dream of a PhD came back to the forefront of my mind as I ruminated on Joan and her wise words and the effective way in which she lives out her faith. I then thought to myself - hmm, Joan has a PhD in Business now. Where exactly did she get it? So, I googled her name and St. Johns, where she is now a Professor, and saw that she had obtained said doctorate at a school based in Paris:: The International School of Management.
The wheels in my head and heart started churning. Paris. Paris. The place that I've been dreaming to finally return to and live for a season with Jonathan.
I decided to check out the school's Web site and found myself, over the course of the next few days, going through almost every page - my curiousity growing into a great longing to apply to the PhD program. However, as I considered and reconsidered the financial cost, it appeared that this might - once again - be a dream deferred. The program was simply too expensive.
My heart, however, wasn't gonna give up without a fight. I found myself taking a hard look at the MBA program, and begin to sense that maybe that was more in line with where my life needs to go as I moved forward...that maybe an International Business MBA would allow me to gain the business acumen required to run my own non-profit - to finally make Jakin Sanctuary a reality. And I would be building these skills in an International setting, with fellow students and instructors from a myriad of cultures and backgrounds.
I sent an initial inquiry. I spoke to the lovely Admissions Diretcor. We discussed the PhD as well as the MBA. With a scholarship the PhD program seemed more doable. I hung up excited about moving forward with either the PhD or the MBA - it was just a matter of deciding which one.
And then fear set in.
Okay, maybe not fear. Maybe just that same sort of dreamkilling stuff that has been lurking behind me all of the days sense my dad's fall out of bed on May 14th, 2013.
How could I leave my mother in the house alone? I have to stay here to watch over things - to make sure she's fine. I have to keep up with my father's continued care at the Nursing Home. Should I really take money out of my 401K to do this? Will Kay let me take Jonathan to Paris? Can I do this with a three year old on foregin soil?
What am I thinking??!
And that brings me to right now - almost a week after my conversation with the Admissions Counselor - and a few hours after my therapy session, where I vetted this all out with Vonita. And through talking with Vonita, I realize that I have to apply. I have to move forward and see what happens.
I also realized that nothing is a coinsidence. My reading that InTouch article...Joan Ball entering my mind again as a result...her comments that made me re-think my dream about returning to graduate school...discovering that Joan had attended ISM...ISM being in Paris - perfectly aligning with my dream to live in that amazing city for a season BEFORE Jonathan started primary school...
Nothing is a coinsidence.
So I'm applying. I've decided to apply to the MBA program. And I'm gonna get accepted. I'm gonna figure out how to manage paying for the program, doing well in it with a toddler in tow, and doing it while living in a place that has enchanted me like no other in all the 46 years that I've lived.
I'm gonna do this.
God will take care of the rest.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
A bold request
Mary Southerland - "Miss Hard word for the day"- Girlfriend of God had a great devotion today. She spoke about really believing that the Lord wants to bless us - wants us to ask Him boldly for what we need - and that we need to expect Him to answer. But not based on what we do or how we act, but upon His grace alone...His goodness alone. I had another devotion today that spoke about a similar truth -- that it's a matter of asking, seeking, knocking and believing that He will respond. We simply must trust and wait.
So, Mary asked that we write out a prayer of committment thanking God for His blessings in our lives and the blessings that He has in store for us.
Here it goes:
Lord God! Father! Daddy! Thank you. Simply Thank you. You are so good to me and by no means do I deserve it. I'm full of self-pity, self-absorption, self-condemnation, every foul thing that the enemy puts in my path to trip over, I dutifully do so, with not much feeling of sorrow for how it really defames the greatness of You in my life and the lives of those close to me. Thank you Lord that despite myself, You still manage to love me and care for me in such a great and perfect manner. I don't always understand Your ways. I feel quite a bit like the Prodigal Son's brother much of the time, but each day You give me a glimpse of HOW MUCH You do love me and want the very best for me. So, Lord: Thank YOU!
Whatever You have for me I receive in gratitude. I've been in an utter fog of confusion. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do from one day to the next. I've had no real motivation to truly spend time with You so that maybe You can talk to me.
WAIT!!
Right now, I'm sensing that the enemy has been keeping me in bondage about this whole notion of QUIET TIME. Yes, it would be better for me not to waste valuable time watching HGTV to the wee hours of the morning, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much wine and eating too many sweets.
However, none of that NEGATES the TRUTH that You will NEVER. EVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME...that You are WITH ME ALWAYS...that the Holy Spirit LIVES IN ME...and that I AM FILLED TO THE OVERFLOW with the Spirit. You speak to me all the time in a myriad of ways. I'm talking to You all the time. We have a very intimate, abiding relationship. That I see very clearly now. Thank You Lord for your presence in my life and for leading and directing me and protecting me and Jonathan. Lord, I bind the attack of the enemy upon my soul to keep me tied to the lie that unless I spend 30 minutes of quiet time with you and 30 minutes a day reading the Bible, you won't speak to me or direct me or bless me. You do all these things regardless of the time I spend with you in QUIET. You supercede quiet. You are God Almighty. You do all things well. There are no limiations to your ability to guide me and lead me. Thank you, Lord, for this truth.
I'm so grateful for our continual conversation. I'm so grateful that You allow me to be gritty raw with You and that You don't shame me. I tend to shame and condemn myself, but I refuse to do that anymore. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I loose upon my heart, mind and spirit utter FREEDOM in Christ Jesus my Lord. For the word is true, whom the Lord sets free, is free indeed!
Praise you God!!!
Oh, yeah, I'm still expecting a great job, perfectly suited to me, with a great schedule, with a just right salary, amazing benefits, an EASY commute, where You are utilizing me to the fullest to bless the work, my colleagues, customers and yeah, myself - where you are GLORIFIED. I'm believing that You are ABLE to bless me with this job for a start date of May 5, 2014 ==> 5+5+2+1+4 = 17 =>1+7=8
8 = New Beginnings. How fitting!
Thank you, God!
So, Mary asked that we write out a prayer of committment thanking God for His blessings in our lives and the blessings that He has in store for us.
Here it goes:
Lord God! Father! Daddy! Thank you. Simply Thank you. You are so good to me and by no means do I deserve it. I'm full of self-pity, self-absorption, self-condemnation, every foul thing that the enemy puts in my path to trip over, I dutifully do so, with not much feeling of sorrow for how it really defames the greatness of You in my life and the lives of those close to me. Thank you Lord that despite myself, You still manage to love me and care for me in such a great and perfect manner. I don't always understand Your ways. I feel quite a bit like the Prodigal Son's brother much of the time, but each day You give me a glimpse of HOW MUCH You do love me and want the very best for me. So, Lord: Thank YOU!
Whatever You have for me I receive in gratitude. I've been in an utter fog of confusion. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do from one day to the next. I've had no real motivation to truly spend time with You so that maybe You can talk to me.
WAIT!!
Right now, I'm sensing that the enemy has been keeping me in bondage about this whole notion of QUIET TIME. Yes, it would be better for me not to waste valuable time watching HGTV to the wee hours of the morning, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much wine and eating too many sweets.
However, none of that NEGATES the TRUTH that You will NEVER. EVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME...that You are WITH ME ALWAYS...that the Holy Spirit LIVES IN ME...and that I AM FILLED TO THE OVERFLOW with the Spirit. You speak to me all the time in a myriad of ways. I'm talking to You all the time. We have a very intimate, abiding relationship. That I see very clearly now. Thank You Lord for your presence in my life and for leading and directing me and protecting me and Jonathan. Lord, I bind the attack of the enemy upon my soul to keep me tied to the lie that unless I spend 30 minutes of quiet time with you and 30 minutes a day reading the Bible, you won't speak to me or direct me or bless me. You do all these things regardless of the time I spend with you in QUIET. You supercede quiet. You are God Almighty. You do all things well. There are no limiations to your ability to guide me and lead me. Thank you, Lord, for this truth.
I'm so grateful for our continual conversation. I'm so grateful that You allow me to be gritty raw with You and that You don't shame me. I tend to shame and condemn myself, but I refuse to do that anymore. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I loose upon my heart, mind and spirit utter FREEDOM in Christ Jesus my Lord. For the word is true, whom the Lord sets free, is free indeed!
Praise you God!!!
Oh, yeah, I'm still expecting a great job, perfectly suited to me, with a great schedule, with a just right salary, amazing benefits, an EASY commute, where You are utilizing me to the fullest to bless the work, my colleagues, customers and yeah, myself - where you are GLORIFIED. I'm believing that You are ABLE to bless me with this job for a start date of May 5, 2014 ==> 5+5+2+1+4 = 17 =>1+7=8
8 = New Beginnings. How fitting!
Thank you, God!
Friday, March 28, 2014
Dream a lil dream
So, given the ability to do whatever I wanted to do, what would that be?
I would have to go way back to 1992, scary to think, but that is 22 years ago. 22 years ago.
I would have had the ability to be accepted into an MFA program.
I would have graduated with a manuscript and ability to teach writing at a college level.
I would have taken on an assignment in Eurpose, preferably Paris.
I would have met a wonderful Eurpoean gentleman or an Officer in the US Armed Services and continued to travel with him and build a family, while stilll writing.
I would have eventually been published.
That is my dream.
That didn't happen.
I always go back to the fact that I guess I really don't have a true passion to be a writer. If so, I would have kept on writing, kept trying.
That last rejection back in, I guess it was 2007 or so, just did me in. Any desire to write fiction has wained.
But I still want to write for a living. I want to study the craft of writing creative non-fiction, which is where my current passion in writing lies. I want to be in an atmosphere where that is the focus and the goal - where I am FORCED to write, or no degree will I get. Where I will be forced to give and RECEIVE feedback on my writing. Where I can have directed reading, and where I can critically think about and discuss what I'm reading.
But that's unreasonable. I have a 3 year old and $10,000 of spending money. I could cash out my 401K for this dream, or sacrifice the dream for Jonathan's well-being and future.
The latter is the righteous and noble choice.
Why not just write? Why do you need an MFA or a PhD? Why?
I just do. I'm never gonna have the wherewithal in and of myself to simply write. I just won't. I know myself. I know myself.
Unfortunately, there are no good writing programs, MFA programs that I can apply to in NJ. There is one in Purchase, NY - Mahattanville College - that sounds like a good fit, and yet...
How distressing. What do I do, Lord? Will you make this dream come true for me?
I would have to go way back to 1992, scary to think, but that is 22 years ago. 22 years ago.
I would have had the ability to be accepted into an MFA program.
I would have graduated with a manuscript and ability to teach writing at a college level.
I would have taken on an assignment in Eurpose, preferably Paris.
I would have met a wonderful Eurpoean gentleman or an Officer in the US Armed Services and continued to travel with him and build a family, while stilll writing.
I would have eventually been published.
That is my dream.
That didn't happen.
I always go back to the fact that I guess I really don't have a true passion to be a writer. If so, I would have kept on writing, kept trying.
That last rejection back in, I guess it was 2007 or so, just did me in. Any desire to write fiction has wained.
But I still want to write for a living. I want to study the craft of writing creative non-fiction, which is where my current passion in writing lies. I want to be in an atmosphere where that is the focus and the goal - where I am FORCED to write, or no degree will I get. Where I will be forced to give and RECEIVE feedback on my writing. Where I can have directed reading, and where I can critically think about and discuss what I'm reading.
But that's unreasonable. I have a 3 year old and $10,000 of spending money. I could cash out my 401K for this dream, or sacrifice the dream for Jonathan's well-being and future.
The latter is the righteous and noble choice.
Why not just write? Why do you need an MFA or a PhD? Why?
I just do. I'm never gonna have the wherewithal in and of myself to simply write. I just won't. I know myself. I know myself.
Unfortunately, there are no good writing programs, MFA programs that I can apply to in NJ. There is one in Purchase, NY - Mahattanville College - that sounds like a good fit, and yet...
How distressing. What do I do, Lord? Will you make this dream come true for me?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Mishandling Stress
So, Mary Southerland, the Girlfriend in God devotion writer who always writes the most convicting devotions, that I usually don't want to read, had a decent one today about dealing with stress. She tends to go back to Psalm 23 a lot. I see why. I actually managed to memorize it a few weeks ago, but of course the enemy did a good job snatching it from my memory bank, so I need to do so again. Mary suggests reading the Psalm at least once a day for a week and really mediate on it. She also suggested that I fill in the blank lines below. So, I shall:
Psalm 23 - Beside each phrase below, write you own
thoughts about how God is at work in your life:
He makes me to lie down in green pastures: __ He's calling me to stop worrying about a job, Jonathan, my parents, pretty much everything and just trust Him to work it all out according to His will, timing and purpose, and to His glory____.
He leads me beside the still waters:__He keeps asking me to be still with Him and to lay down the artificial solaces in food, HGTV, and constant reasoning________.
He restores my soul: ___He wants me to get more sleep!_______________.
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me: __To stop being afraid and to simply believe and maintain hope in Him, His provision, His protection._____
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake: __He wants me to remember that it is not I who live but Christ who lives in me and the life that I now live I live by Faith in Christ who loves me and gave His life for me -- that I AM the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.___________.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: __He will fulfill His promises to me! ___.
Psalm 23 - Beside each phrase below, write you own
thoughts about how God is at work in your life:
He makes me to lie down in green pastures: __ He's calling me to stop worrying about a job, Jonathan, my parents, pretty much everything and just trust Him to work it all out according to His will, timing and purpose, and to His glory____.
He leads me beside the still waters:__He keeps asking me to be still with Him and to lay down the artificial solaces in food, HGTV, and constant reasoning________.
He restores my soul: ___He wants me to get more sleep!_______________.
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me: __To stop being afraid and to simply believe and maintain hope in Him, His provision, His protection._____
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake: __He wants me to remember that it is not I who live but Christ who lives in me and the life that I now live I live by Faith in Christ who loves me and gave His life for me -- that I AM the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.___________.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: __He will fulfill His promises to me! ___.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Do better
I need to do better as far as my Father is concerned. I don't return his calls when he calls and leaves voicemails. I only visit him about once a week. I'm complaining about Kay neglecting Jonathan and I'm not doing what I should be doing for my own Father.
Not sure why I'm having so much trouble with this. Part of it, I suppose, is that I don't fully like the facility. I wish I was in a situation where I could afford to put him somewhere much nicer. Better: In a situation where I owned a home big enough to accomodate him and mommy and afford the full-time care. Or my care. My care.
Your vocation is marriage and family.
Maybe all I really heard was your vocation is family. No marriage. No husband. Just taking care of Jonathan, my father and my mother.
I'm not doing any of those things very well.
Wearisome and not sure how to make things right.
Make it right, Lord. I have no capacity to do so. I'm so dependent on Your love and goodness and kindness and other-centeredness working in and through me. Left to myself, I'm no better than a reprobate - a poor excuse for a child of the most high God.
But will this request be answered?
I read a few more inspriational stories of God's amazing provision - miraculous provision - in "It's a God Thing". Great book. Inspiring and soul-deadening at the same time. You see these people who say these surrender prayers, believing for God to take over and then, voila, He does.
Rarely happens with me.
He provides. Crazily so. Just like he did for the prodigal son's brother. I've always been with Him and everything He has is mine.
Yet, that overt showing of His care and provision, in the way that the Father showed out for the prodigal son. Not so much. Yet, like the brother, for me to feel a bit slighted is supposed to be a sin against God. And act of disobedience and disprect. Irreverant.
Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for the prodigal son's brother, but I do. I identify so well with him.
I can pray for others and see God move in mighty, tremendous ways. I just rarely see Him move in direct response to prayers over my life. Indirectly, He does stuff all the time, and yest I AM GRATEFUL. I rejoice in His provision, protection. Where woudl I be without Him. But some things, like job, husband, home -- never mind. I'm being self-pity, Kim, again. I just need to stop it.
Help me, Lord. Help me.
Not sure why I'm having so much trouble with this. Part of it, I suppose, is that I don't fully like the facility. I wish I was in a situation where I could afford to put him somewhere much nicer. Better: In a situation where I owned a home big enough to accomodate him and mommy and afford the full-time care. Or my care. My care.
Your vocation is marriage and family.
Maybe all I really heard was your vocation is family. No marriage. No husband. Just taking care of Jonathan, my father and my mother.
I'm not doing any of those things very well.
Wearisome and not sure how to make things right.
Make it right, Lord. I have no capacity to do so. I'm so dependent on Your love and goodness and kindness and other-centeredness working in and through me. Left to myself, I'm no better than a reprobate - a poor excuse for a child of the most high God.
But will this request be answered?
I read a few more inspriational stories of God's amazing provision - miraculous provision - in "It's a God Thing". Great book. Inspiring and soul-deadening at the same time. You see these people who say these surrender prayers, believing for God to take over and then, voila, He does.
Rarely happens with me.
He provides. Crazily so. Just like he did for the prodigal son's brother. I've always been with Him and everything He has is mine.
Yet, that overt showing of His care and provision, in the way that the Father showed out for the prodigal son. Not so much. Yet, like the brother, for me to feel a bit slighted is supposed to be a sin against God. And act of disobedience and disprect. Irreverant.
Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for the prodigal son's brother, but I do. I identify so well with him.
I can pray for others and see God move in mighty, tremendous ways. I just rarely see Him move in direct response to prayers over my life. Indirectly, He does stuff all the time, and yest I AM GRATEFUL. I rejoice in His provision, protection. Where woudl I be without Him. But some things, like job, husband, home -- never mind. I'm being self-pity, Kim, again. I just need to stop it.
Help me, Lord. Help me.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Breastfeeding Cessation, Wine Relaxation, Regret Strangulation
So, I think it was March 10th that I stopped the nightly breast feeding with Jonathan. A little over 3 years. And that was it. I was done. He was too, though he sorta whined about it and cried some crocodile tears. I had to pull the pillow from him and throw it down the stairs (it's now hidden under my mother's bed). From time to time he goes to reach for it at bedtime, but then remembers "Bye Bye, pillow!" Yup, bye bye pillow.
They say that you'll know when you are ready to stop. I wasn't ready up until that day - no, actually a couple of days earlier he forgot to get the pillow and did not feed and I thought, yay, finally. It was at that point I knew I was done. Jonathan decided to request milk the next night and I was disappointed by the request. And so, a few days later, I just stopped cold turkey.
I've had no physical discomfort. There is still milk there when I squeeze my nipple. I suppose it'll be there for awhile. But I'm done. The woman who when first found pregnant declared she would NEVER breast feed ended up doing so for over 3 years. She was done. Done, Done, Done.
And yet so grateful.
I really have to praise God for the privilege of being able to nourish Jonathan this way. Grateful for the bonding that can only be experienced through breastfeeding and particularly the sweet closesness at night over the last year or so of our once a day night-time feedings. I'm grateful that the Lord made it so that we were both pretty much ready to close the door. I'm not experiencing any sadness, regret or guilt. Thank you, Jesus. I know if I had ended it any earlier, I would have gone through all of that emotional trauma. The Lord made a way out of us having to take that journey.
I do believe that Jonathan was also ready, but strangely, his night time ritual got a bit out of hand that first week or so. He would not lay down. Kept getting up and running around until he was exhausted enough to sleep. He got a cold last week and that seemed to have brought him back to his regular night time cycle of simply hitting the pillow and falling out into a semi-coma for10+hours. All is good now.
You'll see that wine relaxation is in my subject line. Well, I'm back to my wine fix at night. Something that I never really stopped when I was breastfeeding - well, save the first year of breast-feeding - but sorta took a break from at the start of this year when I did that fast with Lolita and the gals.
I suppose Jesus should be my night cap and my morning cap and my all day cap. I should be meditating on Him moreso than the swirl of red in my wine glass.
But wine is easier - and I guess, more satisfying.
Why is that? Why are so many things so much easier than spending quiet time with the Lord? Why do I experience more quiet and peace breast feeding Jonathan or watching a Hockey game or catching episodes of Property Brothers and House Hunters than I do sitting quietly with the Lord?
Why Lord?
I know that true victory and peace in life comes primarily from spending time with the Lord. I know we're supposed to also meditate on the word. However, just the actual time with Him is most important. Yet, I find it so hard to do.
More quiet time - more simply being in His presence would most likely quash my lingering angry outbursts of aggravation and irritation - such as was displayed yesterday when I so RUDELY interrupted the Financial Peace Class. Background: I arrived late to class with Jonathan in tow and he refused to be quiet and so I got up in a huff, making more noise than I had already done entering the class late and then in my anger slammed the door - basically taking about 10 minutes of the classes well-paid qualtity time focusing on the lesson at hand. Just another bone-headed, selfish, self-centered move on my part in a life that seems all about self, self, self, at the expense of other's happiness.
Anyway, I can't shake the reqret of what happened. The weight of this regret feels like it will never ease up. Regardless of God's forgiveness and His ability to throw my sin as far as east is from west, I can't seem to shake off the sense that there is no way to make this up to those people and to the class leader, Tom. Yes, they can forgive, but they can't forget, just like I'm having a hard time doing. I have to suffer the consequences, and I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it. I simply don't want to go back to the class and at this point, I doubt that I will.
Call me a coward. I just don't see how a simple, I'm so sorry for my rudeness and selfishness, please forgive me, will make a difference. Maybe it will. I don't know.
Regret strangulation. Suffocating. Relentless. A constant companion for me. I don't live carefree. Every thing I do is couched in the darkness of severe consequences. Bolts of light are rare. However, I will bask in what light I do receive. Like Jonathan's laughter and his ability to remember characters in books, even those I've only read to him a couple of times. His beautiful eyes and how he looks so intently at me some times. The joy he experiences when we sing together or dance in our silly way. I need to just rest in those moments with him, so that the light of his innocence casts a beam of brightness over all the areas of my life that right now seem dark and hopeless.
I love the wine. It's not enough. Timely ending to breast feeding and having my body fully back to myself. Not enought. Quiet time with the Lord - hard enough. Not enough. What is the answer?
No man. No job. No perfect body, ageless skin, published book, nada. What is it Lord?
What is it Lord?
Receiving His forgiveness.
Not putting Him back on the cross to re-do a work that He has already finished.
My sins are forgiven. Past Present Futuere.
Get over it, Kim.
Whether or not they forgive you. Whether they scowl, hate, turn their noses up to you, find you repulsive, wish you never came back to class...
You are forgiven by the Father. He saw it about to happen. He let it happen. He says, okay Kim. Return to me. My arms are wide open to comfort you in all your shame and regret. In all your anger and remorse. Let me comfort you.
The class will never be able to comfort you or forgive you enough. It's impossible.
Run to the one who forgives COMPLETELY and who remembers your sin, NO MORE.
Run to Jesus.
They say that you'll know when you are ready to stop. I wasn't ready up until that day - no, actually a couple of days earlier he forgot to get the pillow and did not feed and I thought, yay, finally. It was at that point I knew I was done. Jonathan decided to request milk the next night and I was disappointed by the request. And so, a few days later, I just stopped cold turkey.
I've had no physical discomfort. There is still milk there when I squeeze my nipple. I suppose it'll be there for awhile. But I'm done. The woman who when first found pregnant declared she would NEVER breast feed ended up doing so for over 3 years. She was done. Done, Done, Done.
And yet so grateful.
I really have to praise God for the privilege of being able to nourish Jonathan this way. Grateful for the bonding that can only be experienced through breastfeeding and particularly the sweet closesness at night over the last year or so of our once a day night-time feedings. I'm grateful that the Lord made it so that we were both pretty much ready to close the door. I'm not experiencing any sadness, regret or guilt. Thank you, Jesus. I know if I had ended it any earlier, I would have gone through all of that emotional trauma. The Lord made a way out of us having to take that journey.
I do believe that Jonathan was also ready, but strangely, his night time ritual got a bit out of hand that first week or so. He would not lay down. Kept getting up and running around until he was exhausted enough to sleep. He got a cold last week and that seemed to have brought him back to his regular night time cycle of simply hitting the pillow and falling out into a semi-coma for10+hours. All is good now.
You'll see that wine relaxation is in my subject line. Well, I'm back to my wine fix at night. Something that I never really stopped when I was breastfeeding - well, save the first year of breast-feeding - but sorta took a break from at the start of this year when I did that fast with Lolita and the gals.
I suppose Jesus should be my night cap and my morning cap and my all day cap. I should be meditating on Him moreso than the swirl of red in my wine glass.
But wine is easier - and I guess, more satisfying.
Why is that? Why are so many things so much easier than spending quiet time with the Lord? Why do I experience more quiet and peace breast feeding Jonathan or watching a Hockey game or catching episodes of Property Brothers and House Hunters than I do sitting quietly with the Lord?
Why Lord?
I know that true victory and peace in life comes primarily from spending time with the Lord. I know we're supposed to also meditate on the word. However, just the actual time with Him is most important. Yet, I find it so hard to do.
More quiet time - more simply being in His presence would most likely quash my lingering angry outbursts of aggravation and irritation - such as was displayed yesterday when I so RUDELY interrupted the Financial Peace Class. Background: I arrived late to class with Jonathan in tow and he refused to be quiet and so I got up in a huff, making more noise than I had already done entering the class late and then in my anger slammed the door - basically taking about 10 minutes of the classes well-paid qualtity time focusing on the lesson at hand. Just another bone-headed, selfish, self-centered move on my part in a life that seems all about self, self, self, at the expense of other's happiness.
Anyway, I can't shake the reqret of what happened. The weight of this regret feels like it will never ease up. Regardless of God's forgiveness and His ability to throw my sin as far as east is from west, I can't seem to shake off the sense that there is no way to make this up to those people and to the class leader, Tom. Yes, they can forgive, but they can't forget, just like I'm having a hard time doing. I have to suffer the consequences, and I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it. I simply don't want to go back to the class and at this point, I doubt that I will.
Call me a coward. I just don't see how a simple, I'm so sorry for my rudeness and selfishness, please forgive me, will make a difference. Maybe it will. I don't know.
Regret strangulation. Suffocating. Relentless. A constant companion for me. I don't live carefree. Every thing I do is couched in the darkness of severe consequences. Bolts of light are rare. However, I will bask in what light I do receive. Like Jonathan's laughter and his ability to remember characters in books, even those I've only read to him a couple of times. His beautiful eyes and how he looks so intently at me some times. The joy he experiences when we sing together or dance in our silly way. I need to just rest in those moments with him, so that the light of his innocence casts a beam of brightness over all the areas of my life that right now seem dark and hopeless.
I love the wine. It's not enough. Timely ending to breast feeding and having my body fully back to myself. Not enought. Quiet time with the Lord - hard enough. Not enough. What is the answer?
No man. No job. No perfect body, ageless skin, published book, nada. What is it Lord?
What is it Lord?
Receiving His forgiveness.
Not putting Him back on the cross to re-do a work that He has already finished.
My sins are forgiven. Past Present Futuere.
Get over it, Kim.
Whether or not they forgive you. Whether they scowl, hate, turn their noses up to you, find you repulsive, wish you never came back to class...
You are forgiven by the Father. He saw it about to happen. He let it happen. He says, okay Kim. Return to me. My arms are wide open to comfort you in all your shame and regret. In all your anger and remorse. Let me comfort you.
The class will never be able to comfort you or forgive you enough. It's impossible.
Run to the one who forgives COMPLETELY and who remembers your sin, NO MORE.
Run to Jesus.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
A short burst
I want to do a free write. Not think about what I'm writing. Just get it out. Today is a not so spectacular day, save that it is warmer than usual. Arrived at school this morning, with great hope that Jonathan could play outside with all the other little kids running around. He was expectant too. Expectancies dashed as we entered his class to see that the kids running outside were not his classmates, but instead the preschool class, one grade above his. All his classmates were sitting around the table doing a craft.
Sigh.
He cried. Very upset. I totally understand.
Jonathan's primary issue - outside of just being a terrible three - is that he needs to expend energy. He's got cabin fever. His body needs to run, jump, climb! He needs fresh air. And not just for 15 or 20 minutes per day. I'd say at least one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon, and one or more hours after school. I'm sick and tired of the cold. I want the spring and the warmth. The sunshine, the green. He wants it too. He needs it too. I want it not just in the spring and summer. I want it all year round. I want out of NJ. I want to move to somewhere more affordable and Lord knows, more temperant. Alas, I can't. I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I have no job. I need a job. I want a husband. I have no means to a husband. No guarantee that said husband would be financially secure enough so that I would not have to work. It would be great if that were the case. If my dream of dreams could be answered: High Ranking, military officer, wife-less, child-less, looking for both a wife and a child and would like a child of his own. About to be put on assignment overseas, preferably Europe. Preferably France. Oh, that would be marvelous. Loves, Loves, Loves, the Lord and is a man after God's own heart. Stable, secure, and willing to deal with a very mixed up screwy neurotic lady with a terrible three year-old son, a son he will love with the Love of God as if he is his very own.
My dream.
How bout this year we meet?. Next year we marry. Following year our family grows due to a new addition out of my old, 48 year old womb.
How bout it Lord.
How bout my dream of a warm inviting home for our family and to entertain others with a small building on the lot to house my parents and then future missionaries and full-time Christian workers who need a retreat, a place of release and relaxation - at no cost. A home on a beautiful lot, in a cool area where they can stroll on a quaint main street, get a bite to eat, sit on a park bench and just reflect.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up together in an increasing knowledge of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and both their hearts being pricked to live for Christ, in their given vocactons, marriages, and extra-curricular activities.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up around a nice group of kids and each of them being each others best friends, ultimately, but also blessed with one or two wonderful, Christ-centered buddies with whom they can share life with as they grow and mature into responsble, spirit-filled men.
How bout it Lord.
How bout continued health and long life for my parents and reconciliation and an infilling of love and understanding in their hearts for each other so that the latter years are far richer and more fufilling then the former.
How bout Brandon getting totally and completely delivered from alcohol and drug addiciton. His whole family secure and whole as he embraces sobriety. Everyone in harmony in Christ. His step-grandchildren walking in the way, Tawana fully at peace with him and the Father, Maria seeped in joy and in love with a new man that you send into her life.
How bout it Lord.
How bout all my sisters in Christ living spirit-filled, fulfilling lives of service and love, enjoying their work, their families and blessed in loving, convenant marriages - satisfying the word by You: It is not good for man to be alone...
How bout Jonathan and Kay having a vital strong relationship as son and father and Kay being incredibly intentional about spending time with Jonathan and getting to know him - that they truly enjoy each other and establish an unshakeable, almost mystical bond to each other.
How bout it Lord.
Work these things out, Lord. I beseech You, in full knowledge that you are both able AND willing to do so. I praise You, worship You, depend on You, ADOORE You, bow down to You, exalt You, give my all to You, for You alone are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED & HIGHLY LIFTED UP!
You are able to bring this all to fruition - to Your praise and to Your GLORY!
How bout it Lord?
Sigh.
He cried. Very upset. I totally understand.
Jonathan's primary issue - outside of just being a terrible three - is that he needs to expend energy. He's got cabin fever. His body needs to run, jump, climb! He needs fresh air. And not just for 15 or 20 minutes per day. I'd say at least one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon, and one or more hours after school. I'm sick and tired of the cold. I want the spring and the warmth. The sunshine, the green. He wants it too. He needs it too. I want it not just in the spring and summer. I want it all year round. I want out of NJ. I want to move to somewhere more affordable and Lord knows, more temperant. Alas, I can't. I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I have no job. I need a job. I want a husband. I have no means to a husband. No guarantee that said husband would be financially secure enough so that I would not have to work. It would be great if that were the case. If my dream of dreams could be answered: High Ranking, military officer, wife-less, child-less, looking for both a wife and a child and would like a child of his own. About to be put on assignment overseas, preferably Europe. Preferably France. Oh, that would be marvelous. Loves, Loves, Loves, the Lord and is a man after God's own heart. Stable, secure, and willing to deal with a very mixed up screwy neurotic lady with a terrible three year-old son, a son he will love with the Love of God as if he is his very own.
My dream.
How bout this year we meet?. Next year we marry. Following year our family grows due to a new addition out of my old, 48 year old womb.
How bout it Lord.
How bout my dream of a warm inviting home for our family and to entertain others with a small building on the lot to house my parents and then future missionaries and full-time Christian workers who need a retreat, a place of release and relaxation - at no cost. A home on a beautiful lot, in a cool area where they can stroll on a quaint main street, get a bite to eat, sit on a park bench and just reflect.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up together in an increasing knowledge of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and both their hearts being pricked to live for Christ, in their given vocactons, marriages, and extra-curricular activities.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up around a nice group of kids and each of them being each others best friends, ultimately, but also blessed with one or two wonderful, Christ-centered buddies with whom they can share life with as they grow and mature into responsble, spirit-filled men.
How bout it Lord.
How bout continued health and long life for my parents and reconciliation and an infilling of love and understanding in their hearts for each other so that the latter years are far richer and more fufilling then the former.
How bout Brandon getting totally and completely delivered from alcohol and drug addiciton. His whole family secure and whole as he embraces sobriety. Everyone in harmony in Christ. His step-grandchildren walking in the way, Tawana fully at peace with him and the Father, Maria seeped in joy and in love with a new man that you send into her life.
How bout it Lord.
How bout all my sisters in Christ living spirit-filled, fulfilling lives of service and love, enjoying their work, their families and blessed in loving, convenant marriages - satisfying the word by You: It is not good for man to be alone...
How bout Jonathan and Kay having a vital strong relationship as son and father and Kay being incredibly intentional about spending time with Jonathan and getting to know him - that they truly enjoy each other and establish an unshakeable, almost mystical bond to each other.
How bout it Lord.
Work these things out, Lord. I beseech You, in full knowledge that you are both able AND willing to do so. I praise You, worship You, depend on You, ADOORE You, bow down to You, exalt You, give my all to You, for You alone are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED & HIGHLY LIFTED UP!
You are able to bring this all to fruition - to Your praise and to Your GLORY!
How bout it Lord?
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Purifying - the hard way...
So, at 10:30 PM, Sunday, March 16, I ended a 7 day fast from all food and drink, save tea and water (and the last couple of days, two glasses of juice) - a fast that commenced on March 9, 2014. I had not done a 7 day fast since January 2010.
I was desperate.
Jonathan's potty training and overall escalation in strong-willed behavior...my lack of control over food and the extra 25 pounds on my body that had me tipping the scales at a very uncomfortable 166 lbs...bad skin, thinning hair, body odor and just an overall malaise and descending depression that was steeped in rage and angry outbursts --- primarily against Jonathan -- all of these issues had to be nipped in the bud.
I did not want to hurt my son. I no longer wanted to put my hands on him in anger or yell at him or act uncontrollably in any way towards him. Something had to give.
So the Lord led me to fast.
It was hard. A very hard week.
But I'm on the other side now. The food addiction has been broken. I had already started working out again after not really being consistent since my dad's fall last May, and pretty much not working out at all from December-February. I had started walking again, as well. However, there was still a drudgery about doing it - that dread that had fallen upon my absolute favorite thing to do (working out) after my dad's fall, in conjunction with Jonathan's constant intrusions when I would work out, and my inability to work out before he woke up because it made it a very tense assignment for me - totally canceling out the purpose of working out: to relieve stress!
All of the dread is gone. I feel again my vigor and excitement for working out. In addition, I have more of a desire to cook good meals and feel horrible that I have stuffed Jonathan's mouth with so much junk food over the past 9 months or so.
I'm in therapy now, as well. Interestingly enough, at my last session, Vonetta, my therapist, pointed out that all of the stuff I had been dealing with: the anger, the weight gain, the thinning hair, the skin problems, the lack of focus, the feeling as if I was in a fog, the lethargy - well, all of that is an indication of depression. It's tied to the many losses that I've had to deal with over the past year: the presence of my dad at home, the loss of my quasi independence as a daughter (having to take on more responsibility in the care of my parents), the loss of Anthony coming by on a regular basis to spend time with Jonathan because he's in a new relationship...the loss associated with leaving IBM, though of my own fruition, there is still the loss of what was familiar for the past 16 years ...the loss of certainty about Jonathan's intellectual development because of his participation in the early intervention program...the loss of affection towards Kay and the hope of a future family with him...the loss of his attention toward Jonathan that continues to wain and wain (he has not seen Jonathan since New Years Eve).
I have to grieve all of these losses. Until I do, the symptoms of this unexpressed grief will continue to plague me.
So the fast did help in terms of breaking me free of using food to medicate my pain.
However, I'm still struggling with Jonathan.
Turning 3 for him has been hell for me. He seems to be a totally different boy. Incessant whinning...screaming...loud crying jags...not following instructions... totally ignoring directions...refusing to eat what we give him to eat...only wanting sweet stuff to eat.
And Potty training. Ugh! He can't seem to get the peeing on the potty down. He's pooped a lot on the potty, praise God, but it's been pee accident after pee accident. I kept him home for 2 weeks with hopes that he would be able to return to school in underwear. I sent him back even though he was still having accidents, believing that fasting would cause the Lord to work a miracle. It didn't. He's still peeing on himself and refusing to pee on the toilet.
I find myself hating him - dreading him - not wanting to be around him, not wanting to give him the affection and hugs that he demands (which he seems to want the most when he's having an unreasonable crying fit). He's just so unpleasant to be around right now. I love him so much, but displaying an effectual, 1 Cor 13 towards him of late has been very, very hard.
And yet, I have to repeatedly ask myself to put this all into the right perspective: Is my behavior not also so much like this to you, Lord?
Yes, Yes, it is.
And that is one of the things that the Lord gave me in the fast: The reality of my own unreasonableness, my temper tantrums against Him, my demands of Him, my self-pity and self-centeredness, which He NEVER runs away from and never even thinks one moment in His heart that He hates me because I act this way more times than I want to admit. Oh, how great is our God and His merciful love towards us!
I had been questioning if I was even saved and had the Holy Spirit. Where was the power of the Holy Spirit upon my life like the apostles? I'd been asking for more of it. I so need it! God gave me Jonathan to raise. I need the help of the Holy Spirit to raise this very unique, highly intelligent, strong-minded little boy, I need Him - I need POWER from ON HIGH!
And then, during the fast, the Lord led me to open Merlin Carother's Power of Praise, right in the section where he's talking about the in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Merlin explained so clearly that all I have to do to access this power is to pray in tongues and believe that as I pray, He is interceding in that situation and countless other situations with moanings and groanings that I will never understand, but which so accurately describe the need before the throne of our Father in Heaven.
And Daddy hears.
And Daddy acts.
I only need to believe. And I only need to give thanks - always - for everything! The pee accidents, the screaming, the crying jags, the throwing toys and food. Why? Because these are all according to God's perfect plan for our lives - me and Jonathan. He is working all of this for our good and to His glory!
I have been declaring over Jonathan that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. That the Lord will do mighty works through him. How can this happen if he's meek and mild? No, he is the independepent, strong-minded, strong-willed boy that he is for a reason. He might not have many words now to express himself, but the Lord intends to give him many words -- many, many words - that are gonna rock nations and bring His Father in Heaven great glory and fame! And Jonathan will not be thrwarted. He won't let anyone or anything get in his way. The Lord has built him that way.
My confidence is this: The fast worked. My confidence is this: God is preparing both of us for some awesome stuff in the coming year and years. However, the journey will not be easy. I'm being gutted - literally gutted. I've never experienced as much pain as I have over the past year as I have, but it's necessary for me to become whatever I need to become for God to do whatever He needs to do through my life and in my life. I am blessed. I am highly favored and I expect that His promises will come to pass in quick and assured measure in my life. I just have to keep believing, keep praising, and keep thinking him for it ALL. ALL...
ALL
I was desperate.
Jonathan's potty training and overall escalation in strong-willed behavior...my lack of control over food and the extra 25 pounds on my body that had me tipping the scales at a very uncomfortable 166 lbs...bad skin, thinning hair, body odor and just an overall malaise and descending depression that was steeped in rage and angry outbursts --- primarily against Jonathan -- all of these issues had to be nipped in the bud.
I did not want to hurt my son. I no longer wanted to put my hands on him in anger or yell at him or act uncontrollably in any way towards him. Something had to give.
So the Lord led me to fast.
It was hard. A very hard week.
But I'm on the other side now. The food addiction has been broken. I had already started working out again after not really being consistent since my dad's fall last May, and pretty much not working out at all from December-February. I had started walking again, as well. However, there was still a drudgery about doing it - that dread that had fallen upon my absolute favorite thing to do (working out) after my dad's fall, in conjunction with Jonathan's constant intrusions when I would work out, and my inability to work out before he woke up because it made it a very tense assignment for me - totally canceling out the purpose of working out: to relieve stress!
All of the dread is gone. I feel again my vigor and excitement for working out. In addition, I have more of a desire to cook good meals and feel horrible that I have stuffed Jonathan's mouth with so much junk food over the past 9 months or so.
I'm in therapy now, as well. Interestingly enough, at my last session, Vonetta, my therapist, pointed out that all of the stuff I had been dealing with: the anger, the weight gain, the thinning hair, the skin problems, the lack of focus, the feeling as if I was in a fog, the lethargy - well, all of that is an indication of depression. It's tied to the many losses that I've had to deal with over the past year: the presence of my dad at home, the loss of my quasi independence as a daughter (having to take on more responsibility in the care of my parents), the loss of Anthony coming by on a regular basis to spend time with Jonathan because he's in a new relationship...the loss associated with leaving IBM, though of my own fruition, there is still the loss of what was familiar for the past 16 years ...the loss of certainty about Jonathan's intellectual development because of his participation in the early intervention program...the loss of affection towards Kay and the hope of a future family with him...the loss of his attention toward Jonathan that continues to wain and wain (he has not seen Jonathan since New Years Eve).
I have to grieve all of these losses. Until I do, the symptoms of this unexpressed grief will continue to plague me.
So the fast did help in terms of breaking me free of using food to medicate my pain.
However, I'm still struggling with Jonathan.
Turning 3 for him has been hell for me. He seems to be a totally different boy. Incessant whinning...screaming...loud crying jags...not following instructions... totally ignoring directions...refusing to eat what we give him to eat...only wanting sweet stuff to eat.
And Potty training. Ugh! He can't seem to get the peeing on the potty down. He's pooped a lot on the potty, praise God, but it's been pee accident after pee accident. I kept him home for 2 weeks with hopes that he would be able to return to school in underwear. I sent him back even though he was still having accidents, believing that fasting would cause the Lord to work a miracle. It didn't. He's still peeing on himself and refusing to pee on the toilet.
I find myself hating him - dreading him - not wanting to be around him, not wanting to give him the affection and hugs that he demands (which he seems to want the most when he's having an unreasonable crying fit). He's just so unpleasant to be around right now. I love him so much, but displaying an effectual, 1 Cor 13 towards him of late has been very, very hard.
And yet, I have to repeatedly ask myself to put this all into the right perspective: Is my behavior not also so much like this to you, Lord?
Yes, Yes, it is.
And that is one of the things that the Lord gave me in the fast: The reality of my own unreasonableness, my temper tantrums against Him, my demands of Him, my self-pity and self-centeredness, which He NEVER runs away from and never even thinks one moment in His heart that He hates me because I act this way more times than I want to admit. Oh, how great is our God and His merciful love towards us!
I had been questioning if I was even saved and had the Holy Spirit. Where was the power of the Holy Spirit upon my life like the apostles? I'd been asking for more of it. I so need it! God gave me Jonathan to raise. I need the help of the Holy Spirit to raise this very unique, highly intelligent, strong-minded little boy, I need Him - I need POWER from ON HIGH!
And then, during the fast, the Lord led me to open Merlin Carother's Power of Praise, right in the section where he's talking about the in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Merlin explained so clearly that all I have to do to access this power is to pray in tongues and believe that as I pray, He is interceding in that situation and countless other situations with moanings and groanings that I will never understand, but which so accurately describe the need before the throne of our Father in Heaven.
And Daddy hears.
And Daddy acts.
I only need to believe. And I only need to give thanks - always - for everything! The pee accidents, the screaming, the crying jags, the throwing toys and food. Why? Because these are all according to God's perfect plan for our lives - me and Jonathan. He is working all of this for our good and to His glory!
I have been declaring over Jonathan that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. That the Lord will do mighty works through him. How can this happen if he's meek and mild? No, he is the independepent, strong-minded, strong-willed boy that he is for a reason. He might not have many words now to express himself, but the Lord intends to give him many words -- many, many words - that are gonna rock nations and bring His Father in Heaven great glory and fame! And Jonathan will not be thrwarted. He won't let anyone or anything get in his way. The Lord has built him that way.
My confidence is this: The fast worked. My confidence is this: God is preparing both of us for some awesome stuff in the coming year and years. However, the journey will not be easy. I'm being gutted - literally gutted. I've never experienced as much pain as I have over the past year as I have, but it's necessary for me to become whatever I need to become for God to do whatever He needs to do through my life and in my life. I am blessed. I am highly favored and I expect that His promises will come to pass in quick and assured measure in my life. I just have to keep believing, keep praising, and keep thinking him for it ALL. ALL...
ALL
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Why is it so hard to rest?!
I'm really having a difficult time with this whole idea of resting and waiting.
I just spent a lot of wasted time looking at job listings. Sadly there is absolutely nothing that fits me. And really, I'm not sure what I should be looking for. Irritating. Very, Very irritating.
Okay - I'm not supposed to be looking. I know. I'm supposed to be resting. I can't seem to shake the whole notion that if you don't work, you should not eat. That I'm a lazy good for nothing and what kind of example am I setting up for Jonathan. I need to get a job and bring in more money to help my mother with household expenses and for Jonathan and myself.
Yes, marriage and family is my vocation. I'm doing my best to holdfast to that truth - but...
There is no marriage and...
I don't know. It's just hard. I'm talking out of my butt at this point - or should I say, writing out of my butt. There is no reason, no logic. I'm unable to do what I feel the Lord is asking me to do. I don't like this state of nothingness.
That is what it feels like. Nothingness.
Yes, I'm enjoying the time with the Lord. The quiet of coffee shops. The reflection. The sermons and scripture reading. The time, the Time, The time. I do enjoy all of that. However - more. More.
On Monday or Tuesday I listed my hopes and desires - believing the Lord will bring them to pass.
My impatience is getting in the way, though. I guess the one thing that I truly want is to be married - or to be on route to that goal with a man of God's choosing. And yet, where is he?
He is not any man that I already know. That much I am certain.
Not Darryl. Not Phil C. Not Bill. Not Joel. Not Phil B. Not Kay. No one that has already entered my life romantically.
Interestingly enough the number of my "significant relationships" is 6. I had never noticed that before. The Biblical meaning of 6 is man coming short of spiritual perfection. Wow. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
Let me see something:
Darryl M 1 = Unity; New beginnings
Phil C 2 = Union; Division; Witnessing
Bill S 3 = Divine Completeness & Perfection
Joel H 4 = Creation: the World; Creative Works
Phil B 5 = Grace; God's goodness
Kay O 6 = Weakness of Man; Manifestation of Sin; Evils of Satan
? 7 = Resurrection; Spiritual Completeness; Father's Perfection; Divine Fullness
It's interesting how the numbers fall. Darryl was a new beginning as he was my first official boyfriend. Phil C. was marked with union and division (a painful breakup) and witnessing (he was baptized during our relationship, me being a witness of Christ to him). Bill is puzzling. It marks a period of perfection - that possibly he was supposed to be the ONE. I don't know. Overall, he was the person I was most in-line with intellectually, inter-personally, but not necessarily spiritually or physically. The Lord will have to make more sense of that. Joel was marked by creative works. Hmm, also puzzling. Need the Lord to better clarify that, as well. I can sorta see grace and God's goodness over Phil B. Timing was just off for us. Maybe it could have worked. I don't know. Too late now to worry about it. I felt that he wasn't the one and I'm sticking to that. Kay and weakness of man and manifestation of sin. Yeah, that makes total sense. God's redemptive work, as well - through the beauty of Jonathan. The one good thing from this connection.
And so, 7, who ever number 7 is, that will be the Father's perfect one for me and me for him. I'll choose to believe that.
Yet, in the meantime - this waiting and this nothingness. This confusion. This confusion.
Lord, I want to better help my mother with finances. I do want a job, but I'm skittish about taking just any job. By doing that, I end up right back where I was a year ago. Back in a sort of bondage. I don't know.
This is just hard, resting in You and waiting on You. Show me a glimpse of light in this darkness, Lord. Show me the next step to take. Make it clear. Leave me without any doubt.
I just spent a lot of wasted time looking at job listings. Sadly there is absolutely nothing that fits me. And really, I'm not sure what I should be looking for. Irritating. Very, Very irritating.
Okay - I'm not supposed to be looking. I know. I'm supposed to be resting. I can't seem to shake the whole notion that if you don't work, you should not eat. That I'm a lazy good for nothing and what kind of example am I setting up for Jonathan. I need to get a job and bring in more money to help my mother with household expenses and for Jonathan and myself.
Yes, marriage and family is my vocation. I'm doing my best to holdfast to that truth - but...
There is no marriage and...
I don't know. It's just hard. I'm talking out of my butt at this point - or should I say, writing out of my butt. There is no reason, no logic. I'm unable to do what I feel the Lord is asking me to do. I don't like this state of nothingness.
That is what it feels like. Nothingness.
Yes, I'm enjoying the time with the Lord. The quiet of coffee shops. The reflection. The sermons and scripture reading. The time, the Time, The time. I do enjoy all of that. However - more. More.
On Monday or Tuesday I listed my hopes and desires - believing the Lord will bring them to pass.
My impatience is getting in the way, though. I guess the one thing that I truly want is to be married - or to be on route to that goal with a man of God's choosing. And yet, where is he?
He is not any man that I already know. That much I am certain.
Not Darryl. Not Phil C. Not Bill. Not Joel. Not Phil B. Not Kay. No one that has already entered my life romantically.
Interestingly enough the number of my "significant relationships" is 6. I had never noticed that before. The Biblical meaning of 6 is man coming short of spiritual perfection. Wow. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
Let me see something:
Darryl M 1 = Unity; New beginnings
Phil C 2 = Union; Division; Witnessing
Bill S 3 = Divine Completeness & Perfection
Joel H 4 = Creation: the World; Creative Works
Phil B 5 = Grace; God's goodness
Kay O 6 = Weakness of Man; Manifestation of Sin; Evils of Satan
? 7 = Resurrection; Spiritual Completeness; Father's Perfection; Divine Fullness
It's interesting how the numbers fall. Darryl was a new beginning as he was my first official boyfriend. Phil C. was marked with union and division (a painful breakup) and witnessing (he was baptized during our relationship, me being a witness of Christ to him). Bill is puzzling. It marks a period of perfection - that possibly he was supposed to be the ONE. I don't know. Overall, he was the person I was most in-line with intellectually, inter-personally, but not necessarily spiritually or physically. The Lord will have to make more sense of that. Joel was marked by creative works. Hmm, also puzzling. Need the Lord to better clarify that, as well. I can sorta see grace and God's goodness over Phil B. Timing was just off for us. Maybe it could have worked. I don't know. Too late now to worry about it. I felt that he wasn't the one and I'm sticking to that. Kay and weakness of man and manifestation of sin. Yeah, that makes total sense. God's redemptive work, as well - through the beauty of Jonathan. The one good thing from this connection.
And so, 7, who ever number 7 is, that will be the Father's perfect one for me and me for him. I'll choose to believe that.
Yet, in the meantime - this waiting and this nothingness. This confusion. This confusion.
Lord, I want to better help my mother with finances. I do want a job, but I'm skittish about taking just any job. By doing that, I end up right back where I was a year ago. Back in a sort of bondage. I don't know.
This is just hard, resting in You and waiting on You. Show me a glimpse of light in this darkness, Lord. Show me the next step to take. Make it clear. Leave me without any doubt.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
More TRUTH to live by...
To the extent that I am in fear or worry there is wrong believing in my life.
It is hard to receive from the Lord if I am full of wrong believing.
Walk in truth not in fear.
Here are some great truths:
Matthew 8:1-4: Many people God has the power to work on their behalf, but they doubt that God is willing to use His power on His behalf. That is me.
He is willing to use HIS power on me. He does it because HE is good.
Under law NO ONE EVER GOT HEALED OF LEPROSY.
And even if they had been healed, they would have needed to go through a ritual of cleansing (that is a picture of the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ). Jesus told the leper that he was CLEANSED. As King, He healed him. As Priest, He cleansed him. The King uses His decree to save, to heal, to deliver. That's why I worship Him, that's why I LOVE HIM as my KING PRIEST!
Deuteronomy 34:7: Moses was 120 years old when he died. His eye was undimmed, and his vigor unabated. Hebrews 11:27: By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible,.i.e., by SEEING GOD. Moses endured (in Greek - CONTINUED STRONG).
Practice the Presence of God. REJOICE IN HIM. BE CONTINUOUSLY IN THANKSGIVING. By doing so, the stronger I will become - just like Moses.
Be grateful that He is my shepherd. That I shall not be in want.
The best way to fight the enemy is to eat the bread of life - to feed at the feet of Jesus. Bread is any teaching - systematic exposition of the doctrines of the Bible - expounding on Christ. Fish represents the practical application of truth. Egg is something that you meditate on, brood over it like a mother hen, and then it will birth life in me.
Numbers 7:89 - 8:4
Message from the Holy of Holies: Everything I do is to bring glory and honor to the Lord Jesus Christ!
When I do: POWER comes into my life. Remember Acts 3:6-16
But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” 7 And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. 8 And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. 9 And all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. 11 While he clung to Peter and John, all the people, utterly astounded, ran together to them in the portico called Solomon's. 12 And when Peter saw it he addressed the people: “Men of Israel, why do you wonder at this, or why do you stare at us, as though by our own power or piety we have made him walk? 13 The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, the God of our fathers, glorified his servant[b] Jesus, whom you delivered over and denied in the presence of Pilate, when he had decided to release him.14 But you denied the Holy and Righteous One, and asked for a murderer to be granted to you, 15 and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses. 16 And his name—by faith in his name—has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus[c] has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all.
When I am burned out, depressed, Jesus lifts me up. He is always raising people up, even today at the right hand of the Father. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He lifts up and wraps me around the trellis (a picture of the cross) and I grow again around it. Value the word of God, eat His bread, and I will be lit up! He will not hide me. I will be set on the lampstand so that EVERYONE can behold His glory.
Ministry of the lampstand is from evening until morning - so in the darkest times of my life, the Lord will shine His light brightly. The enemy's single objective is for me to take my eyes off the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm never stronger, healthier, more prosperous than when I am looking on Jesus, the one who is altogether lovely.
Numbers 7 is all about offerings and giving by the leaders of Israel (specifying their names and the tribes) and then we go to the lampstand in Numbers 8:1-4 and then the rest of 8 is about the consecration of the Levites.
Entire chapter 7 is about giving. After lampstand, consecration of the Levites, it shows that all my giving needs to be given in the light of the sanctuary. The light of the lampstand shows my real motives. Am I serving for gain, to be noticed of men, for my own gratification or is it for the center shaft, Jesus Christ? It must be for Jesus alone.
REMEMBER
1 John 4:16-19
16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.
Jesus loved all the twelve, but John KNEW it. He spoke of himself as the one that Jesus loved. My self-esteem can then be based on this ALONE. When I boast of the Lord's love for me, I will always be used of the Lord MIGHTILY! The son of God who loved me gave Himself for me. Knowledge of this - a true KNOWING - empowers me to withstand temptation, to live victoriously.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
JESUS LOVES ME!
It is hard to receive from the Lord if I am full of wrong believing.
Walk in truth not in fear.
Here are some great truths:
John 1:17
English Standard Version
17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and TRUTH came through Jesus Christ.
He is willing to use HIS power on me. He does it because HE is good.
Under law NO ONE EVER GOT HEALED OF LEPROSY.
And even if they had been healed, they would have needed to go through a ritual of cleansing (that is a picture of the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ). Jesus told the leper that he was CLEANSED. As King, He healed him. As Priest, He cleansed him. The King uses His decree to save, to heal, to deliver. That's why I worship Him, that's why I LOVE HIM as my KING PRIEST!
Deuteronomy 34:7: Moses was 120 years old when he died. His eye was undimmed, and his vigor unabated. Hebrews 11:27: By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible,.i.e., by SEEING GOD. Moses endured (in Greek - CONTINUED STRONG).
Practice the Presence of God. REJOICE IN HIM. BE CONTINUOUSLY IN THANKSGIVING. By doing so, the stronger I will become - just like Moses.
Be grateful that He is my shepherd. That I shall not be in want.
The best way to fight the enemy is to eat the bread of life - to feed at the feet of Jesus. Bread is any teaching - systematic exposition of the doctrines of the Bible - expounding on Christ. Fish represents the practical application of truth. Egg is something that you meditate on, brood over it like a mother hen, and then it will birth life in me.
Numbers 7:89 - 8:4
Message from the Holy of Holies: Everything I do is to bring glory and honor to the Lord Jesus Christ!
When I do: POWER comes into my life. Remember Acts 3:6-16
But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” 7 And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. 8 And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. 9 And all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. 11 While he clung to Peter and John, all the people, utterly astounded, ran together to them in the portico called Solomon's. 12 And when Peter saw it he addressed the people: “Men of Israel, why do you wonder at this, or why do you stare at us, as though by our own power or piety we have made him walk? 13 The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, the God of our fathers, glorified his servant[b] Jesus, whom you delivered over and denied in the presence of Pilate, when he had decided to release him.14 But you denied the Holy and Righteous One, and asked for a murderer to be granted to you, 15 and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses. 16 And his name—by faith in his name—has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus[c] has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all.
When I am burned out, depressed, Jesus lifts me up. He is always raising people up, even today at the right hand of the Father. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He lifts up and wraps me around the trellis (a picture of the cross) and I grow again around it. Value the word of God, eat His bread, and I will be lit up! He will not hide me. I will be set on the lampstand so that EVERYONE can behold His glory.
Ministry of the lampstand is from evening until morning - so in the darkest times of my life, the Lord will shine His light brightly. The enemy's single objective is for me to take my eyes off the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm never stronger, healthier, more prosperous than when I am looking on Jesus, the one who is altogether lovely.
Numbers 7 is all about offerings and giving by the leaders of Israel (specifying their names and the tribes) and then we go to the lampstand in Numbers 8:1-4 and then the rest of 8 is about the consecration of the Levites.
Entire chapter 7 is about giving. After lampstand, consecration of the Levites, it shows that all my giving needs to be given in the light of the sanctuary. The light of the lampstand shows my real motives. Am I serving for gain, to be noticed of men, for my own gratification or is it for the center shaft, Jesus Christ? It must be for Jesus alone.
REMEMBER
1 John 4:16-19
16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.
Jesus loved all the twelve, but John KNEW it. He spoke of himself as the one that Jesus loved. My self-esteem can then be based on this ALONE. When I boast of the Lord's love for me, I will always be used of the Lord MIGHTILY! The son of God who loved me gave Himself for me. Knowledge of this - a true KNOWING - empowers me to withstand temptation, to live victoriously.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
JESUS LOVES ME!
All things are new
See Jesus do a new thing.
This was in my Joseph Prince devotion this morning (yes, again, more Joseph). It was uncanny because the Meditations devotion that I had just read discussed a similar truth, i.e., how when Jesus returns, the God of the Universe will make ALL THINGS NEW:
Jesus is making all things new. I believe even now He is making all things new.
And then my Christine Caine devotion took the newness to a deeper level in terms of renewing our minds:
I'm ever starting over again. Wanting things to be new. Day to day. Week to week. And yet, much of the same pattern of behavior, same thoughts, same actions, same ole same ole stare me in the face. However, He is making things new, despite how it appears. I'm not quite what I was yesterday, last week, last year and definitely not 10 years ago. If there is a lack of diligence in activating change, well, I'm no longer gonna beat myself up about that. I'm resting. And in my rest there is diligence and peace and guidance. He puts out His hand for me to take it and to follow, similar to how much I used to love when Joel would walk in front of me and put his hand out from behind so that I would take it. And then I would follow as he led, in perfect peace, harmony, and to be honest, in a sort of quiet ecstasy. There was something so nice, sensual and powerful in that very little act. If a mere man can do that - and I was just following him through a book store or in the parking lot to our vehicle, how much more gratifying and safe and peaceful and perfect the leadership of the Lord as He guides me to where He needs me to be, when I need to be there. How awesome is His ability to transform and renew me by the renewing and re-molding of my mind. How awesome. I'm resting. No more striving. Resting. Resting and Believing.
If there is any work to do, it is this:
This was in my Joseph Prince devotion this morning (yes, again, more Joseph). It was uncanny because the Meditations devotion that I had just read discussed a similar truth, i.e., how when Jesus returns, the God of the Universe will make ALL THINGS NEW:
Revelation 21:5
Living Bible
5 And the one sitting on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true:
And then my Christine Caine devotion took the newness to a deeper level in terms of renewing our minds:
Romans 12:2
J.B. Phillips New Testament
We have seen God’s mercy and wisdom: how shall we respond?
12 1-2 With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to him and acceptable by him. Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold, but let God re-mold (renew) your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all his demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity.
If there is any work to do, it is this:
John 6:28-29
Amplified Bible
28 They then said, What are we to do, that we may [habitually] be working the works of God? [What are we to do to carry out what God requires?]
29 Jesus replied, This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger].
Cleave to...Trust...Rely on...Have Faith in JESUS!
Sounds so easy, but it really is quite difficult. I've yet to successfully do it. Nonetheless, I am making it my mission to do so now. NOW. Even if the Lord has a job for me - even this most excellent job with Galvan Foundation (which I am believing to be mine) - I can rest in that role, i.e., cleaving to, trusting, relying on, and believing in Jesus to do the job through me - with JOY and not DREAD (as I did with the technical work at IBM). But I'm resting - resting - resting and I will rest without reproach, but rejoicing.
It's so interesting how this has come about, but I'm now seeing the beauty of my season out of work. How awesome it truly is and how refreshing to my soul. It was difficult achieving that last year. So much was going on. The Lord has blessed me with 2014. In this new year, truly NEW things are popping up all around me. Blessings abound. Even today, I was concerned about where to park in my new favorite place in NJ, downtown Somerville, and the Lord led me to park in a spot that has a broken meter! I was planning to run out every hour in the freezing cold to throw a couple of quarters in the meter but that is now not necessary. So, I rest here in "The Dragonfly" coffee shop, on one of their cute couches, blogging, meditating, fellow-shipping through the written word with my God.
Continue to refresh me Lord in this way so that I can be refreshing to Jonathan, my parents, my family as a whole, my friends - to all that I come near. Refresh me through and through - renewing me by this refreshing so that the Glory and Wonder of You seeps through my very being and splashes those around me. Let there be an inexplicable light about me. Let the places where I sit and wonder into and out of be lit with your power as it pours out of me. And increase the brightness and wonder of that light each day going forth. Renew me in my mind, in my spirit and my body. Renew me Lord. Renew my dreams and aspirations and set me free from anything old and damaging. Renew me for motherhood and wifehood and daughterhood and sisterhood. Renew me Lord.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Faith - Faith - and more - FAITH
More great teaching from Joseph Prince on faith.
Romans 10:5-13
Believe and Speak
Mark 11
Have the God kind of faith:
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Doing and speaking are antithesis to each other.
Doing is not of faith.
Do not perform to get a blessing.
As long as I am doing or performing, the enemy is winning.
As long as I am believing and speaking, the enemy is loosing.
The higher I go up in rank, the more I speak, the less that I do (for example, a CEO).
I am seated on Christ's throne. I am a King & a Priest.
Whatever I desire, be believing that I am receiving and it will be mine.
God doesn't wait for me to be perfect to use my faith. For example, Elijah (James 5-17-18): "Elijah was a man like affected as we, and with prayer he did pray -- not to rain, and it did not rain upon the land three years and six months; and again he did pray, and the heaven did give rain, and the land did bring forth her fruit."
The enemy is afraid that I will act like who I am - a KING & A PRIEST! He doesn't care about all my charitable acts, all my service, all the money that I give away. He cares that I KNOW WHO I AM IN CHRIST.
*************************************
I truly have to learn how to do this - to live this out. In my heart, speaking and writing are one in the same. I speak clearest when I write. So, on this, the 28th day of January, in the year 2014, I will speak these desires, believing that I am receiving each one and that they will be mine, in the mighty and precious name of JESUS!
Praise you Father for your favor upon me and the fulfillment of your promise to add to me another son in my 48th year!
Praise you Father that I am blessed and highly favored and that every promise prayed over Jonathan's life shall come to pass!
Praise you Abba Daddy that my family is whole, healthy, and at peace with one another.
Praise you Daddy that my brother is walking in sobriety and that he and His whole household are saved and in continuous fellowship with you and other's who love you.
Praise you Abba Daddy that I am in the best physical condition and shape of my entire life and that all excess weight has been loss FOREVER.
Praise you Jesus for my life partner and for putting each of us in the right place at the right time to meet one another, to know one another, and to come into agreement with You to walk forward in life as husband and wife.
Praise you Jesus that my husband loves Jonathan as his very own.
Thank you Lord God my father that you enable me to walk in the fullness of my vocation which is marriage and family, ever dependent upon you to carry out my daily activities.
Thank you Lord God for joy unspeakable!
Thank you Lord God for prosperity in my finances and that there is abundant surplus to be used for the spread of the gospel through the support of missions and ministries devoted to this cause.
Thank you my Father for FAITH and for YOUR SON who is for me salvation, grace, favor, goodness, power, love, joy, mercy - all that I NEED!
AMEN!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Waiting on God
It's funny. I find that the Lord tends to answer my quiet, effortless prayers with a quickness that dumbfounds me. The heartfelt, digging my nails in the ground prayers -- I tend to wait, and wait, and wait. I think sometimes the quiet ones are the ones where I'm utterly inline with His will or utterly and completely out of line - so the answer comes fast -- or maybe just sometimes He knows how weary I am and how desperate I am for a word from Him - so He responds. I don't know. It's just amazing when it happens.
I continue to struggle with this word from Him that was so clear to me but so hard to accept: That my vocation is marriage and family. I can't seem to shake the doubt that what I heard was what I heard. Maybe it's just in my head. Maybe I made it up. It just doesn't make sense. I have a son to care for and elderly parents to look after and support. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. However, the Lord confirmed to me in a supernatural way that it would be okay to leave IBM - that indeed I should - to cast my net out into the deep and I will bring in a big haul. So I did, and then crazy 2013 happened. But early 2013, the Lord spoke to my heart this mission for my life beyond IBM and yet, I can not hold fast to it with the faith and trust that I need to. I continue to struggle with attempts to find a job, worried about if marriage is even for me and if it truly is - whether or not I really want it - that I am doing such a sub-par job right now being a mom and daughter, i can't see how this could at all be a viable vocation for me. It doesn't make sense.
And then I remember Joan Ball and her words that the Lord never gives us a job to do that we are prepared, trained for - look at Noah, Abraham, Gideon, Moses, the Disciples - most of the people in the Bible who went on to do great things to His glory and honor. All imperfect, all untrained, all unprepared.
So, I am that person. Wholly dependent upon my Father to make a way out of no way. To parent Jonathan, to care for and support my parents, to eventually be someone's help meet. Crazy, but so God. So His way. And I have to let Him do it all. I have to take my hands off it and let Him lead me and guide me through these responsibilities and to wait for those that have not come to pass yet. I have to trust that His word is true - that what He spoke to me is true.
Yesterday, Pastor Stanley preached on obeying what God tells you to do, regardless of how much sense it makes to you or anyone else. Obey God and leave the consequences to Him.
My Meditations devotion spoke about not being stubborn like Baalam, who did not want to do what the Lord told Him to do and almost got himself killed in his rebellion, if not for the supernatural intervention of God through a talking Donkey to get him to act right.
And then last night, I quietly asked the Lord once again: Did I hear you right? I mean, I do believe that you spoke to me - and that you gave me scripture confirmation in Hebrews and Habakkuk, but, you know, you usually confirm stuff to me via scripture AND a devotion.
And I left it at that.
So, this morning, my Redemptive Pursuit devotion has this title: Waiting on God. And lo and behold, what is the scripture that the devotion is based on? None other than the scripture the Lord gave me a few months ago when I asked him then, again, to confirm to me if what I heard is what I heard (and me also inquiring if said future husband is what's his name - sigh).
The scripture:
For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.
- Habakkuk 2:3 (NASB)
So, there it is in black & white - my devotion confirmation. So, there it is in front of me, Kim. Will you now let go and let God? Wait on Him. Let Him do His thing. Forget about what other people think - whether you look like a lazy good for nothing. Don't worry about how much money you have or will have. Just wait on God. He will take care of you and Jonathan. He will. In the meantime, do what your heart is crying out for - DRAW NEAR TO HIM. DRINK FROM HIS FULLNESS and be restored, equipped, readied for all that He has for you in the years, decades ahead. Let Him renew you from the inside out. He is preparing you and He will not tarry. What is coming will not delay. It certainly is coming.
Wait on the Lord.
I continue to struggle with this word from Him that was so clear to me but so hard to accept: That my vocation is marriage and family. I can't seem to shake the doubt that what I heard was what I heard. Maybe it's just in my head. Maybe I made it up. It just doesn't make sense. I have a son to care for and elderly parents to look after and support. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. However, the Lord confirmed to me in a supernatural way that it would be okay to leave IBM - that indeed I should - to cast my net out into the deep and I will bring in a big haul. So I did, and then crazy 2013 happened. But early 2013, the Lord spoke to my heart this mission for my life beyond IBM and yet, I can not hold fast to it with the faith and trust that I need to. I continue to struggle with attempts to find a job, worried about if marriage is even for me and if it truly is - whether or not I really want it - that I am doing such a sub-par job right now being a mom and daughter, i can't see how this could at all be a viable vocation for me. It doesn't make sense.
And then I remember Joan Ball and her words that the Lord never gives us a job to do that we are prepared, trained for - look at Noah, Abraham, Gideon, Moses, the Disciples - most of the people in the Bible who went on to do great things to His glory and honor. All imperfect, all untrained, all unprepared.
So, I am that person. Wholly dependent upon my Father to make a way out of no way. To parent Jonathan, to care for and support my parents, to eventually be someone's help meet. Crazy, but so God. So His way. And I have to let Him do it all. I have to take my hands off it and let Him lead me and guide me through these responsibilities and to wait for those that have not come to pass yet. I have to trust that His word is true - that what He spoke to me is true.
Yesterday, Pastor Stanley preached on obeying what God tells you to do, regardless of how much sense it makes to you or anyone else. Obey God and leave the consequences to Him.
My Meditations devotion spoke about not being stubborn like Baalam, who did not want to do what the Lord told Him to do and almost got himself killed in his rebellion, if not for the supernatural intervention of God through a talking Donkey to get him to act right.
And then last night, I quietly asked the Lord once again: Did I hear you right? I mean, I do believe that you spoke to me - and that you gave me scripture confirmation in Hebrews and Habakkuk, but, you know, you usually confirm stuff to me via scripture AND a devotion.
And I left it at that.
So, this morning, my Redemptive Pursuit devotion has this title: Waiting on God. And lo and behold, what is the scripture that the devotion is based on? None other than the scripture the Lord gave me a few months ago when I asked him then, again, to confirm to me if what I heard is what I heard (and me also inquiring if said future husband is what's his name - sigh).
The scripture:
For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.
- Habakkuk 2:3 (NASB)
So, there it is in black & white - my devotion confirmation. So, there it is in front of me, Kim. Will you now let go and let God? Wait on Him. Let Him do His thing. Forget about what other people think - whether you look like a lazy good for nothing. Don't worry about how much money you have or will have. Just wait on God. He will take care of you and Jonathan. He will. In the meantime, do what your heart is crying out for - DRAW NEAR TO HIM. DRINK FROM HIS FULLNESS and be restored, equipped, readied for all that He has for you in the years, decades ahead. Let Him renew you from the inside out. He is preparing you and He will not tarry. What is coming will not delay. It certainly is coming.
Wait on the Lord.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
God's Provision - JESUS IS THE ONLY WAY
Listening to a wonderful teaching by Joseph Prince about God's Provision. He's using the Feeding of the 5000 as his text and it is eye-opening (John 6). I just love how the Lord has taught him to break open the word and reveal deeper truths. Truly marvelous and life-changing. Some great points:
- Why do you think the Holy Spirit shined a focus on Andrew and Phillips's lack of faith? When the miracle happened it shows that God gives His blessings to those who are undeserving.
- God will supply all of my needs not according to the poverty of my faith but according to the riches of His grace.
- Look at Jesus - don't look at my limited funds or the greatness of my need.
- See Jesus in His glory, grace, His love and power and He will see my faith! Look to JESUS FOR EVERYTHING! JESUS ALONE HEALS, JESUS ALONE PROVIDES! JESUS ALONE!
- Andrew & Phillip are pictures of me.
- When I am sick and I look at JESUS ALONE - something happens at the root of that illness - that disease's very root. Children of Israel found healing by looking at the bronze snake - which is a picture of Jesus on the Cross.
- There is LIFE IN ONE LOOK. Look to JESUS! Ignore the devil saying that something is happening - either for me or in me.
- Jesus does not condemn Phillip or Andrew. He supplies according to the riches of His grace.
- You don't have to be smart to follow Jesus. Only God can give wisdom. Wisdom does not depend on IQ.
- If I want Jesus to provide me with His supply - whatever it is:
- SIT DOWN (Jesus told the disciples to make the people sit down - and they sat down in orderly fashion). Rest in Him. Trust in Him. Spend time with Him. Isaiah 30:15 "In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength". It takes time to rest. Whatever time I give to the Lord is NEVER wasted time. He will multiply it back to me. 1 Peter 3 - a woman with quiet spirit, in God's eyes, is very precious. Put down that spirit of haste that is in me - that controls me. Psalm 91 - with long life God satisfies. On the cross, God took what the enemy doesn't want us to have (long life, marriage, children) so that we can have it. Verse 1 - He who dwells (SITS DOWN) in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow of the almighty. Hard to protect a child when it is running around. God will tell me to do the natural - and He will do the supernatural. God supplies all the time. For example, electricity is running in the house but lights won't turn on if you don't plug them in or turn on the switch. PLUG INTO HIS POWER! He made them sit in groups of 100's and 50's. When Israel came out of Egypt they came out in groups of 50. 50 is a picture of 5 - an order of grace. God re-positions us - we are high, sitting in the heavenly places with Christ Jesus - who is at the right hand of God. 5 loaves (grace again). Men 5000 (grace again).
- THANK GOD FOR THE LITTLE (Jesus gave thanks for the 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread). This pleases God most of all. God never despises that which is small. He uses them for His glory. Cannot look to the Lord without the favor of God coming on me. Broke bread (broke one time in the Greek) and gave (a continuous action of giving) to disciples to give out. One act of Jesus body broken on the cross - the blessings from that one act NEVER stops! And He gives as much as we want it (they gave to the people as much as they wanted). God does not give with a stingy hand. Fathomless grace and goodness of the Lord. The supply is always greater than the need. Don't limit God. The 5000 ate till they were filled and still there was 12 baskets full left over. Whatever I divide for his Glory is multiplied back to me. Whatever I subtract from my life for His sake is added back to me. His math is addition by subtraction and multiplication by division. Why the 12 baskets? It's a beautiful picture of the 12 tribes of Israel - after we are blessed (Gentiles) - the overflow will bless the Jews. Like Ruth - the Gentile church - after she ate at Boaz's table (Boaz is a picture of Jesus), she took the leftovers to Naomi (the picture of Israel).
- This story is in all three synoptic gospels
- Priests typically were concerned with fault-finding. However, once Jesus came on the scene, there was an influx of people reporting healings - the removal of faults.
- As Jesus was teaching, His power kept flowing and pressing upon the people to heal them, which includes everyone in the room, including the religious pharisees.
- Jesus wants to be in the center of my life - when that happens, than the circumference is blessed. Everything comes to its fullness - its fruition.
- Son of God became the Son of Man so that all the son's of men could become the Son of God.
- Jesus will always cause me to be the head and not the tail - cause me to dominate and not be dominated by circumstances.
- Unlike the OT, the NT demonstrates God in our midst - to dwell in us and among us. Religious people don't like this. Pharisees wanted God to stay in heaven cause if He is down here, what do they do - they were concerned about their position. They want to keep God and people separate, making their ministry necessary.
- I am transformed by God and His spirit - that is true change. I must behold the glory of God - that is Jesus - full of grace & truth. FAITH IS BRINGING MY EMPTINESS TO HIS FULLNESS!
- He came to be used (remember the woman at the well, who came to him in great thirst and the woman with the issue of blood). Jesus is refreshed by my need - HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED! HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED! HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED!!
- SEE HIM AS THE ANSWER TO MY EVERY NEED!
- DRAW FROM HIS FULLNESS - BE CONFIDENT IN HIS LOVE - IN HIS GOODNESS!
- ONE THING IS NEEDFUL: TO SEE HIS FULLNESS EVERY DAY AND TO DRAW FROM HIM.
- Bartimeus discerned Jesus' fullness even when the Disciples did not.
- Call Jesus is fine enough - that is intimate.
- In old testament prophecy directs the believer. In the NT, prophecy confirms what the Spirit has already spoken to the believer.
- Whenever I put my trust in his grace, I will dwell in the valley of blessings. I might see hard times like Jehoshaphat, but I won't have to fight the battle - GOD WILL! Just praise Him for His grace that endures always!
- God is waiting for me to bring my emptiness to Him.
- The days of do, do, do, do are over. IT IS FINISHED!
- How do I say thank you to the Lord? TAKE MORE FROM HIS FULLNESS!
Friday, January 10, 2014
A new year. Confused as usual...
Well, the point of leaving IBM almost a year ago was to discover my true calling - which at the time I thought was to become a PhD in Organizational Management, and spend the rest of my life reading, researching, writing and teaching. That dream got debunked with the last rejection letter from Rutgers in March. I licked my wounds and hoped to at least salvage the year with more concentrated time with Jonathan and me time figuring out what to do next, through the leadership of Christ. After all, I would have time during the day to seek him in a deeper way and to seek this calling thing. However, other plans prevailed - namely, my father falling out of his bed on May 14, 2013, and pretty much the rest of 2013 beyond his fall being about the work of dealing with the ramifications of his injury.
Then there was also negotiating Jonathan's early intervention. Figuring out his preschool. Confronting premenapausal symptoms that added to my environmental stress. And just an all out despondency because what I had hoped for in my "sabbatical year" simply didn't turn out as I expected.
However, I wrote about this in an older post, so I'm not gonna go into it again here. Leave it to say that despite things not working out as I hoped, because God is sovereign, they clearly worked out as He expected and to His glory and I guess to all of our good. Yes, to all of our good. Let me be affirmative about that. God doesn't like a doubting person.
And that was pretty sarcastic. Forgive me Lord. I'm just a bit - ugh - right now. I've started the new year off on a 21 day fast with Lolita and 3 of her girlfriends, and I guess soon to be acquaintances/friends to me, as well, and other than the enemy not liking it much and attacking all of us in weird ways (for ex., both Lolita and my family went without heat the coldest night of the winter so far), I'm not seeing much in answered prayer. I believe things are gonna come to pass, but the number one thing on my list - a fulfilling job - doesn't seem to coming to pass fast enough for me. However, to think I can rush God is a real laugh fest. I find the more I want something, the slower it seems to arrive.
I just want clarity. Or at least power behind my declarations of what I believe in my heart to be the next thing.
For example, Heather, one of the women on the fast, is currently a successful DA in NYC. Now, her family went through some divorce trauma when she was in college, I believe, and thus, maybe the Lord's favor is a bit denser on her behalf and quicker to be manifest because of it. I just know that Heather, her mom and sister have all hit the lottery when it comes to career satisfaction.
Heather got an undergraduate degree in English and was languishing in a post-undergrad job at Pitney-Bowes. A job she got cause her older sister already worked there. She hated the work, but had no idea what she was gonna do with her English degree. She determined more schooling might be the answer, but what. She didn't want a PhD in English - had no desire to take the GRE subject exam for such an undertaking. And she had pretty much exhausted hitting the deadline for taking a humanities GRE exam because it was like October or November when she decided to pursue additional studies. She wanted to be able to start a program the next fall. The one exam that still had a slot for a December test was the LSATs. She had never though about going to Law School. Had no desire to do so, but she thought, what the heck. Let me sign up and take the exam and see what happens.
So, she submits the application for the exam right on time. Gets a Princeton Review or Kapalan study book. Goes through the study guide briefly and takes some practice exams. She then takes the exam.
From what I recall, before she even gets the scores back and possibly before she even takes the exam, she reisgns from Pitney Bowes and declares "I'm going to Harvard Law School". A lot of moxy, right?
Well, it turns out that she completely aces the LSAT, testing at like the 98th percentile! She only knows about Harvard and Yale. So she applies there. Then she considers schools in towns where she has good friends, like Georgetown in Washington, DC. No, I am not making this up.
Finally, acceptance letters come around and lo and behold, she indeed gets accepted to Harvard.
She accepts.
She excels there.
She goes into corporate law but hates it. Mainly she hates the politics and some of the nasty people she had to work with and for. So, she starts looking elsewhere, while suffering for another year at the corporate gig.
The Lord eventually blesses her with her current DA position, which she absolutely loves. All is good.
Heather's sister: Married to a wealthy European bodyguard to the rich and famous. Have a beautiful daughter. Live in London with a summer home in Turkey. Sister is an entertainment journalist. You can see her on E Television.
Heather's mom: After a grueling separation and divorce, and not having worked in many years because she had been a homemaker and wife of a pastor, moved to NYC to be close to her daughters. They connected her with a headhunter, after I assume crafting a remarkable resume for her based on all that she accomplished as a wife and mother (you can create a great resume based on the myriad of duties and activities - especially as a pastor's wife - that you are responsible for, even if you don't have a traditional 9-5 job), and they secure her a receptionist position at a boutique law firm in the city. Heather's mom's poise and elegance also served her well in such a position. She has no technical skills whatsoever. Does not even know how to use the computer, but does quite well. She's able to parlay that into a job at a bigger law firm and eventually retires from there as the head office manager, with many of the employees absolutely enamored of her.
I would prefer to not have gone through the pain they all suffered before the favor of God fell on them in such tremendous ways, but that is what leaves me wondering: Do you have to go through trauma before the Lord does the absolutely impossible, improbable in your life?
Last year was traumatic for me. The extra 20 lbs on my body - the aches - the lines and age on my face - all attest to that. The strain that I experienced and am still struggling to unload on God, for He asks us to do that - cast our burdens on Him - was and is sometimes unbearable. And yet, my confusion still exists. My declarations for change, for dreams to be fulfilled - well, they fall out into the netherworld, never to become reality.
Why?
Lord, I simply want a job. Give me a job. A job where I don't dread going on Monday and almost don't want to leave on Friday or any day of the work week. A job that fits me. Heather had no idea law would fit her. But it did. I refuse to believe that it's all coincidence. In my heart of hearts it was providential. All lined up timing wise for her to take the LSAT as you designed. Her score was provided through the gifts of intelligence that you gave her. The declaration to attend Harvard Law was placed in her mouth by the Holy Spirit. The acceptance to Harvard was your response to her utterance of faith.
Can you not do the same for me?
Yes, you can.
So, Lord - place in my mouth the declaration of faith. What should I be declaring to do that is so improbable that unless you bring it to pass it just ain't going to happen. What specific skills, talents do I have, maybe even untapped, will enable me to excel and enjoy the work. What is it?
If this marriage and family vocation thing is it - well, Lord, I'm having a hard time seeing it. I'm not experiencing a whole helluva a lot of pleasure dealing with my mother and father, feel like a failure most of the time caring for Jonathan, and though I'm happy about being more connected to Brandon, don't really want to be toooo connected.
Heather, her sister and her mom at least experience (or experienced, in her mom's instance) pleasure in their work. Can I not also be blessed with the same in the vocation you give me? If it is this marriage and family thing, then Lord give me joy in it. Let me wake up excited to do what I need to do in it, go to sleep content about it, and not wanting it to really end. I can be exhausted by the effort and time, but not depleted, discouraged, and despondent. You can enable me to be at once exhausted by all that I have to do, and energized in the doing. That is possible in Christ, who is my righteousness. Who was never weary in caring for others and was always compassionate, willing to extend Himself more and more - even unto the Cross.
Help me Lord to get there.
I'm so, so tired of the confusion.
Then there was also negotiating Jonathan's early intervention. Figuring out his preschool. Confronting premenapausal symptoms that added to my environmental stress. And just an all out despondency because what I had hoped for in my "sabbatical year" simply didn't turn out as I expected.
However, I wrote about this in an older post, so I'm not gonna go into it again here. Leave it to say that despite things not working out as I hoped, because God is sovereign, they clearly worked out as He expected and to His glory and I guess to all of our good. Yes, to all of our good. Let me be affirmative about that. God doesn't like a doubting person.
And that was pretty sarcastic. Forgive me Lord. I'm just a bit - ugh - right now. I've started the new year off on a 21 day fast with Lolita and 3 of her girlfriends, and I guess soon to be acquaintances/friends to me, as well, and other than the enemy not liking it much and attacking all of us in weird ways (for ex., both Lolita and my family went without heat the coldest night of the winter so far), I'm not seeing much in answered prayer. I believe things are gonna come to pass, but the number one thing on my list - a fulfilling job - doesn't seem to coming to pass fast enough for me. However, to think I can rush God is a real laugh fest. I find the more I want something, the slower it seems to arrive.
I just want clarity. Or at least power behind my declarations of what I believe in my heart to be the next thing.
For example, Heather, one of the women on the fast, is currently a successful DA in NYC. Now, her family went through some divorce trauma when she was in college, I believe, and thus, maybe the Lord's favor is a bit denser on her behalf and quicker to be manifest because of it. I just know that Heather, her mom and sister have all hit the lottery when it comes to career satisfaction.
Heather got an undergraduate degree in English and was languishing in a post-undergrad job at Pitney-Bowes. A job she got cause her older sister already worked there. She hated the work, but had no idea what she was gonna do with her English degree. She determined more schooling might be the answer, but what. She didn't want a PhD in English - had no desire to take the GRE subject exam for such an undertaking. And she had pretty much exhausted hitting the deadline for taking a humanities GRE exam because it was like October or November when she decided to pursue additional studies. She wanted to be able to start a program the next fall. The one exam that still had a slot for a December test was the LSATs. She had never though about going to Law School. Had no desire to do so, but she thought, what the heck. Let me sign up and take the exam and see what happens.
So, she submits the application for the exam right on time. Gets a Princeton Review or Kapalan study book. Goes through the study guide briefly and takes some practice exams. She then takes the exam.
From what I recall, before she even gets the scores back and possibly before she even takes the exam, she reisgns from Pitney Bowes and declares "I'm going to Harvard Law School". A lot of moxy, right?
Well, it turns out that she completely aces the LSAT, testing at like the 98th percentile! She only knows about Harvard and Yale. So she applies there. Then she considers schools in towns where she has good friends, like Georgetown in Washington, DC. No, I am not making this up.
Finally, acceptance letters come around and lo and behold, she indeed gets accepted to Harvard.
She accepts.
She excels there.
She goes into corporate law but hates it. Mainly she hates the politics and some of the nasty people she had to work with and for. So, she starts looking elsewhere, while suffering for another year at the corporate gig.
The Lord eventually blesses her with her current DA position, which she absolutely loves. All is good.
Heather's sister: Married to a wealthy European bodyguard to the rich and famous. Have a beautiful daughter. Live in London with a summer home in Turkey. Sister is an entertainment journalist. You can see her on E Television.
Heather's mom: After a grueling separation and divorce, and not having worked in many years because she had been a homemaker and wife of a pastor, moved to NYC to be close to her daughters. They connected her with a headhunter, after I assume crafting a remarkable resume for her based on all that she accomplished as a wife and mother (you can create a great resume based on the myriad of duties and activities - especially as a pastor's wife - that you are responsible for, even if you don't have a traditional 9-5 job), and they secure her a receptionist position at a boutique law firm in the city. Heather's mom's poise and elegance also served her well in such a position. She has no technical skills whatsoever. Does not even know how to use the computer, but does quite well. She's able to parlay that into a job at a bigger law firm and eventually retires from there as the head office manager, with many of the employees absolutely enamored of her.
I would prefer to not have gone through the pain they all suffered before the favor of God fell on them in such tremendous ways, but that is what leaves me wondering: Do you have to go through trauma before the Lord does the absolutely impossible, improbable in your life?
Last year was traumatic for me. The extra 20 lbs on my body - the aches - the lines and age on my face - all attest to that. The strain that I experienced and am still struggling to unload on God, for He asks us to do that - cast our burdens on Him - was and is sometimes unbearable. And yet, my confusion still exists. My declarations for change, for dreams to be fulfilled - well, they fall out into the netherworld, never to become reality.
Why?
Lord, I simply want a job. Give me a job. A job where I don't dread going on Monday and almost don't want to leave on Friday or any day of the work week. A job that fits me. Heather had no idea law would fit her. But it did. I refuse to believe that it's all coincidence. In my heart of hearts it was providential. All lined up timing wise for her to take the LSAT as you designed. Her score was provided through the gifts of intelligence that you gave her. The declaration to attend Harvard Law was placed in her mouth by the Holy Spirit. The acceptance to Harvard was your response to her utterance of faith.
Can you not do the same for me?
Yes, you can.
So, Lord - place in my mouth the declaration of faith. What should I be declaring to do that is so improbable that unless you bring it to pass it just ain't going to happen. What specific skills, talents do I have, maybe even untapped, will enable me to excel and enjoy the work. What is it?
If this marriage and family vocation thing is it - well, Lord, I'm having a hard time seeing it. I'm not experiencing a whole helluva a lot of pleasure dealing with my mother and father, feel like a failure most of the time caring for Jonathan, and though I'm happy about being more connected to Brandon, don't really want to be toooo connected.
Heather, her sister and her mom at least experience (or experienced, in her mom's instance) pleasure in their work. Can I not also be blessed with the same in the vocation you give me? If it is this marriage and family thing, then Lord give me joy in it. Let me wake up excited to do what I need to do in it, go to sleep content about it, and not wanting it to really end. I can be exhausted by the effort and time, but not depleted, discouraged, and despondent. You can enable me to be at once exhausted by all that I have to do, and energized in the doing. That is possible in Christ, who is my righteousness. Who was never weary in caring for others and was always compassionate, willing to extend Himself more and more - even unto the Cross.
Help me Lord to get there.
I'm so, so tired of the confusion.
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