Do better

I need to do better as far as my Father is concerned.  I don't return his calls when he calls and leaves voicemails.  I only visit him about once a week.  I'm complaining about Kay neglecting Jonathan and I'm not doing what I should be doing for my own Father.

Not sure why I'm having so much trouble with this.  Part of it, I suppose, is that I don't fully like the facility.  I wish I was in a situation where I could afford to put him somewhere much nicer.  Better: In a situation where I owned a home big enough to accomodate him and mommy and afford the full-time care.  Or my care.  My care.

Your vocation is marriage and family.

Maybe all I really heard was your vocation is family.  No marriage.  No husband.  Just taking care of Jonathan, my father and my mother.

I'm not doing any of those things very well.

Wearisome and not sure how to make things right.

Make it right, Lord.  I have no capacity to do so. I'm so dependent on Your love and goodness and kindness and other-centeredness working in and through me.  Left to myself, I'm no better than a reprobate - a poor excuse for a child of the most high God.

But will this request be answered?

I read a few more inspriational stories of God's amazing provision - miraculous provision - in "It's a God Thing".  Great book.  Inspiring and soul-deadening at the same time.  You see these people who say these surrender prayers, believing for God to take over and then, voila, He does.

Rarely happens with me.

He provides.  Crazily so.  Just like he did for the prodigal son's brother.  I've always been with Him and everything He has is mine.

Yet, that overt showing of His care and provision, in the way that the Father showed out for the prodigal son.  Not so much.  Yet, like the brother, for me to feel a bit slighted is supposed to be a sin against God.  And act of disobedience and disprect. Irreverant.

Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for the prodigal son's brother, but I do. I identify so well with him.

I can pray for others and see God move in mighty, tremendous ways.  I just rarely see Him move in direct response to prayers over my life.  Indirectly, He does stuff all the time, and yest I AM GRATEFUL.  I rejoice in His provision, protection.  Where woudl I be without Him.  But some things, like job, husband, home -- never mind.  I'm being self-pity, Kim, again.  I just need to stop it.

Help me, Lord.  Help me.