Dream a lil dream

So, given the ability to do whatever I wanted to do, what would that be?

I would have to go way back to 1992, scary to think, but that is 22 years ago.  22 years ago.

I would have had the ability to be accepted into an MFA program.

I would have graduated with a manuscript and ability to teach writing at a college level.

I would have taken on an assignment in Eurpose, preferably Paris.

I would have met a wonderful Eurpoean gentleman or an Officer in the US Armed Services and continued to travel with him and build a family, while stilll writing.

I would have eventually been published.

That is my dream.

That didn't happen.

I always go back to the fact that I guess I really don't have a true passion to be a writer. If so, I would have kept on writing, kept trying.

That last rejection back in, I guess it was 2007 or so, just did me in.  Any desire to write fiction has wained.

But I still want to write for a living. I want to study the craft of writing creative non-fiction, which is where my current passion in writing lies. I want to be in an atmosphere where that is the focus and the goal - where I am FORCED to write, or no degree will I get.  Where I will be forced to give and RECEIVE feedback on my writing. Where I can have directed reading, and where I can critically think about and discuss what I'm reading.

But that's unreasonable.  I have a 3 year old and $10,000 of spending money. I could cash out my 401K for this dream, or sacrifice the dream for Jonathan's well-being and future.

The latter is the righteous and noble choice.

Why not just write?  Why do you need an MFA or a PhD?  Why?

I just do.  I'm never gonna have the wherewithal in and of myself to simply write. I just won't.  I know myself.  I know myself.

Unfortunately, there are no good writing programs, MFA programs that I can apply to in NJ.  There is one in Purchase, NY - Mahattanville College - that sounds like a good fit, and yet...

How distressing.  What do I do, Lord?  Will you make this dream come true for me?