So, at 10:30 PM, Sunday, March 16, I ended a 7 day fast from all food and drink, save tea and water (and the last couple of days, two glasses of juice) - a fast that commenced on March 9, 2014. I had not done a 7 day fast since January 2010.
I was desperate.
Jonathan's potty training and overall escalation in strong-willed behavior...my lack of control over food and the extra 25 pounds on my body that had me tipping the scales at a very uncomfortable 166 lbs...bad skin, thinning hair, body odor and just an overall malaise and descending depression that was steeped in rage and angry outbursts --- primarily against Jonathan -- all of these issues had to be nipped in the bud.
I did not want to hurt my son. I no longer wanted to put my hands on him in anger or yell at him or act uncontrollably in any way towards him. Something had to give.
So the Lord led me to fast.
It was hard. A very hard week.
But I'm on the other side now. The food addiction has been broken. I had already started working out again after not really being consistent since my dad's fall last May, and pretty much not working out at all from December-February. I had started walking again, as well. However, there was still a drudgery about doing it - that dread that had fallen upon my absolute favorite thing to do (working out) after my dad's fall, in conjunction with Jonathan's constant intrusions when I would work out, and my inability to work out before he woke up because it made it a very tense assignment for me - totally canceling out the purpose of working out: to relieve stress!
All of the dread is gone. I feel again my vigor and excitement for working out. In addition, I have more of a desire to cook good meals and feel horrible that I have stuffed Jonathan's mouth with so much junk food over the past 9 months or so.
I'm in therapy now, as well. Interestingly enough, at my last session, Vonetta, my therapist, pointed out that all of the stuff I had been dealing with: the anger, the weight gain, the thinning hair, the skin problems, the lack of focus, the feeling as if I was in a fog, the lethargy - well, all of that is an indication of depression. It's tied to the many losses that I've had to deal with over the past year: the presence of my dad at home, the loss of my quasi independence as a daughter (having to take on more responsibility in the care of my parents), the loss of Anthony coming by on a regular basis to spend time with Jonathan because he's in a new relationship...the loss associated with leaving IBM, though of my own fruition, there is still the loss of what was familiar for the past 16 years ...the loss of certainty about Jonathan's intellectual development because of his participation in the early intervention program...the loss of affection towards Kay and the hope of a future family with him...the loss of his attention toward Jonathan that continues to wain and wain (he has not seen Jonathan since New Years Eve).
I have to grieve all of these losses. Until I do, the symptoms of this unexpressed grief will continue to plague me.
So the fast did help in terms of breaking me free of using food to medicate my pain.
However, I'm still struggling with Jonathan.
Turning 3 for him has been hell for me. He seems to be a totally different boy. Incessant whinning...screaming...loud crying jags...not following instructions... totally ignoring directions...refusing to eat what we give him to eat...only wanting sweet stuff to eat.
And Potty training. Ugh! He can't seem to get the peeing on the potty down. He's pooped a lot on the potty, praise God, but it's been pee accident after pee accident. I kept him home for 2 weeks with hopes that he would be able to return to school in underwear. I sent him back even though he was still having accidents, believing that fasting would cause the Lord to work a miracle. It didn't. He's still peeing on himself and refusing to pee on the toilet.
I find myself hating him - dreading him - not wanting to be around him, not wanting to give him the affection and hugs that he demands (which he seems to want the most when he's having an unreasonable crying fit). He's just so unpleasant to be around right now. I love him so much, but displaying an effectual, 1 Cor 13 towards him of late has been very, very hard.
And yet, I have to repeatedly ask myself to put this all into the right perspective: Is my behavior not also so much like this to you, Lord?
Yes, Yes, it is.
And that is one of the things that the Lord gave me in the fast: The reality of my own unreasonableness, my temper tantrums against Him, my demands of Him, my self-pity and self-centeredness, which He NEVER runs away from and never even thinks one moment in His heart that He hates me because I act this way more times than I want to admit. Oh, how great is our God and His merciful love towards us!
I had been questioning if I was even saved and had the Holy Spirit. Where was the power of the Holy Spirit upon my life like the apostles? I'd been asking for more of it. I so need it! God gave me Jonathan to raise. I need the help of the Holy Spirit to raise this very unique, highly intelligent, strong-minded little boy, I need Him - I need POWER from ON HIGH!
And then, during the fast, the Lord led me to open Merlin Carother's Power of Praise, right in the section where he's talking about the in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Merlin explained so clearly that all I have to do to access this power is to pray in tongues and believe that as I pray, He is interceding in that situation and countless other situations with moanings and groanings that I will never understand, but which so accurately describe the need before the throne of our Father in Heaven.
And Daddy hears.
And Daddy acts.
I only need to believe.
And I only need to give thanks - always - for everything! The pee accidents, the screaming, the crying jags, the throwing toys and food. Why? Because these are all according to God's perfect plan for our lives - me and Jonathan. He is working all of this for our good and to His glory!
I have been declaring over Jonathan that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. That the Lord will do mighty works through him. How can this happen if he's meek and mild? No, he is the independepent, strong-minded, strong-willed boy that he is for a reason. He might not have many words now to express himself, but the Lord intends to give him many words -- many, many words - that are gonna rock nations and bring His Father in Heaven great glory and fame! And Jonathan will not be thrwarted. He won't let anyone or anything get in his way. The Lord has built him that way.
My confidence is this: The fast worked. My confidence is this: God is preparing both of us for some awesome stuff in the coming year and years. However, the journey will not be easy. I'm being gutted - literally gutted. I've never experienced as much pain as I have over the past year as I have, but it's necessary for me to become whatever I need to become for God to do whatever He needs to do through my life and in my life. I am blessed. I am highly favored and I expect that His promises will come to pass in quick and assured measure in my life. I just have to keep believing, keep praising, and keep thinking him for it ALL. ALL...
ALL
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