I'm really having a difficult time with this whole idea of resting and waiting.
I just spent a lot of wasted time looking at job listings. Sadly there is absolutely nothing that fits me. And really, I'm not sure what I should be looking for. Irritating. Very, Very irritating.
Okay - I'm not supposed to be looking. I know. I'm supposed to be resting. I can't seem to shake the whole notion that if you don't work, you should not eat. That I'm a lazy good for nothing and what kind of example am I setting up for Jonathan. I need to get a job and bring in more money to help my mother with household expenses and for Jonathan and myself.
Yes, marriage and family is my vocation. I'm doing my best to holdfast to that truth - but...
There is no marriage and...
I don't know. It's just hard. I'm talking out of my butt at this point - or should I say, writing out of my butt. There is no reason, no logic. I'm unable to do what I feel the Lord is asking me to do. I don't like this state of nothingness.
That is what it feels like. Nothingness.
Yes, I'm enjoying the time with the Lord. The quiet of coffee shops. The reflection. The sermons and scripture reading. The time, the Time, The time. I do enjoy all of that. However - more. More.
On Monday or Tuesday I listed my hopes and desires - believing the Lord will bring them to pass.
My impatience is getting in the way, though. I guess the one thing that I truly want is to be married - or to be on route to that goal with a man of God's choosing. And yet, where is he?
He is not any man that I already know. That much I am certain.
Not Darryl. Not Phil C. Not Bill. Not Joel. Not Phil B. Not Kay. No one that has already entered my life romantically.
Interestingly enough the number of my "significant relationships" is 6. I had never noticed that before. The Biblical meaning of 6 is man coming short of spiritual perfection. Wow. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
Let me see something:
Darryl M 1 = Unity; New beginnings
Phil C 2 = Union; Division; Witnessing
Bill S 3 = Divine Completeness & Perfection
Joel H 4 = Creation: the World; Creative Works
Phil B 5 = Grace; God's goodness
Kay O 6 = Weakness of Man; Manifestation of Sin; Evils of Satan
? 7 = Resurrection; Spiritual Completeness; Father's Perfection; Divine Fullness
It's interesting how the numbers fall. Darryl was a new beginning as he was my first official boyfriend. Phil C. was marked with union and division (a painful breakup) and witnessing (he was baptized during our relationship, me being a witness of Christ to him). Bill is puzzling. It marks a period of perfection - that possibly he was supposed to be the ONE. I don't know. Overall, he was the person I was most in-line with intellectually, inter-personally, but not necessarily spiritually or physically. The Lord will have to make more sense of that. Joel was marked by creative works. Hmm, also puzzling. Need the Lord to better clarify that, as well. I can sorta see grace and God's goodness over Phil B. Timing was just off for us. Maybe it could have worked. I don't know. Too late now to worry about it. I felt that he wasn't the one and I'm sticking to that. Kay and weakness of man and manifestation of sin. Yeah, that makes total sense. God's redemptive work, as well - through the beauty of Jonathan. The one good thing from this connection.
And so, 7, who ever number 7 is, that will be the Father's perfect one for me and me for him. I'll choose to believe that.
Yet, in the meantime - this waiting and this nothingness. This confusion. This confusion.
Lord, I want to better help my mother with finances. I do want a job, but I'm skittish about taking just any job. By doing that, I end up right back where I was a year ago. Back in a sort of bondage. I don't know.
This is just hard, resting in You and waiting on You. Show me a glimpse of light in this darkness, Lord. Show me the next step to take. Make it clear. Leave me without any doubt.
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