Well, the point of leaving IBM almost a year ago was to discover my true calling - which at the time I thought was to become a PhD in Organizational Management, and spend the rest of my life reading, researching, writing and teaching. That dream got debunked with the last rejection letter from Rutgers in March. I licked my wounds and hoped to at least salvage the year with more concentrated time with Jonathan and me time figuring out what to do next, through the leadership of Christ. After all, I would have time during the day to seek him in a deeper way and to seek this calling thing. However, other plans prevailed - namely, my father falling out of his bed on May 14, 2013, and pretty much the rest of 2013 beyond his fall being about the work of dealing with the ramifications of his injury.
Then there was also negotiating Jonathan's early intervention. Figuring out his preschool. Confronting premenapausal symptoms that added to my environmental stress. And just an all out despondency because what I had hoped for in my "sabbatical year" simply didn't turn out as I expected.
However, I wrote about this in an older post, so I'm not gonna go into it again here. Leave it to say that despite things not working out as I hoped, because God is sovereign, they clearly worked out as He expected and to His glory and I guess to all of our good. Yes, to all of our good. Let me be affirmative about that. God doesn't like a doubting person.
And that was pretty sarcastic. Forgive me Lord. I'm just a bit - ugh - right now. I've started the new year off on a 21 day fast with Lolita and 3 of her girlfriends, and I guess soon to be acquaintances/friends to me, as well, and other than the enemy not liking it much and attacking all of us in weird ways (for ex., both Lolita and my family went without heat the coldest night of the winter so far), I'm not seeing much in answered prayer. I believe things are gonna come to pass, but the number one thing on my list - a fulfilling job - doesn't seem to coming to pass fast enough for me. However, to think I can rush God is a real laugh fest. I find the more I want something, the slower it seems to arrive.
I just want clarity. Or at least power behind my declarations of what I believe in my heart to be the next thing.
For example, Heather, one of the women on the fast, is currently a successful DA in NYC. Now, her family went through some divorce trauma when she was in college, I believe, and thus, maybe the Lord's favor is a bit denser on her behalf and quicker to be manifest because of it. I just know that Heather, her mom and sister have all hit the lottery when it comes to career satisfaction.
Heather got an undergraduate degree in English and was languishing in a post-undergrad job at Pitney-Bowes. A job she got cause her older sister already worked there. She hated the work, but had no idea what she was gonna do with her English degree. She determined more schooling might be the answer, but what. She didn't want a PhD in English - had no desire to take the GRE subject exam for such an undertaking. And she had pretty much exhausted hitting the deadline for taking a humanities GRE exam because it was like October or November when she decided to pursue additional studies. She wanted to be able to start a program the next fall. The one exam that still had a slot for a December test was the LSATs. She had never though about going to Law School. Had no desire to do so, but she thought, what the heck. Let me sign up and take the exam and see what happens.
So, she submits the application for the exam right on time. Gets a Princeton Review or Kapalan study book. Goes through the study guide briefly and takes some practice exams. She then takes the exam.
From what I recall, before she even gets the scores back and possibly before she even takes the exam, she reisgns from Pitney Bowes and declares "I'm going to Harvard Law School". A lot of moxy, right?
Well, it turns out that she completely aces the LSAT, testing at like the 98th percentile! She only knows about Harvard and Yale. So she applies there. Then she considers schools in towns where she has good friends, like Georgetown in Washington, DC. No, I am not making this up.
Finally, acceptance letters come around and lo and behold, she indeed gets accepted to Harvard.
She accepts.
She excels there.
She goes into corporate law but hates it. Mainly she hates the politics and some of the nasty people she had to work with and for. So, she starts looking elsewhere, while suffering for another year at the corporate gig.
The Lord eventually blesses her with her current DA position, which she absolutely loves. All is good.
Heather's sister: Married to a wealthy European bodyguard to the rich and famous. Have a beautiful daughter. Live in London with a summer home in Turkey. Sister is an entertainment journalist. You can see her on E Television.
Heather's mom: After a grueling separation and divorce, and not having worked in many years because she had been a homemaker and wife of a pastor, moved to NYC to be close to her daughters. They connected her with a headhunter, after I assume crafting a remarkable resume for her based on all that she accomplished as a wife and mother (you can create a great resume based on the myriad of duties and activities - especially as a pastor's wife - that you are responsible for, even if you don't have a traditional 9-5 job), and they secure her a receptionist position at a boutique law firm in the city. Heather's mom's poise and elegance also served her well in such a position. She has no technical skills whatsoever. Does not even know how to use the computer, but does quite well. She's able to parlay that into a job at a bigger law firm and eventually retires from there as the head office manager, with many of the employees absolutely enamored of her.
I would prefer to not have gone through the pain they all suffered before the favor of God fell on them in such tremendous ways, but that is what leaves me wondering: Do you have to go through trauma before the Lord does the absolutely impossible, improbable in your life?
Last year was traumatic for me. The extra 20 lbs on my body - the aches - the lines and age on my face - all attest to that. The strain that I experienced and am still struggling to unload on God, for He asks us to do that - cast our burdens on Him - was and is sometimes unbearable. And yet, my confusion still exists. My declarations for change, for dreams to be fulfilled - well, they fall out into the netherworld, never to become reality.
Why?
Lord, I simply want a job. Give me a job. A job where I don't dread going on Monday and almost don't want to leave on Friday or any day of the work week. A job that fits me. Heather had no idea law would fit her. But it did. I refuse to believe that it's all coincidence. In my heart of hearts it was providential. All lined up timing wise for her to take the LSAT as you designed. Her score was provided through the gifts of intelligence that you gave her. The declaration to attend Harvard Law was placed in her mouth by the Holy Spirit. The acceptance to Harvard was your response to her utterance of faith.
Can you not do the same for me?
Yes, you can.
So, Lord - place in my mouth the declaration of faith. What should I be declaring to do that is so improbable that unless you bring it to pass it just ain't going to happen. What specific skills, talents do I have, maybe even untapped, will enable me to excel and enjoy the work. What is it?
If this marriage and family vocation thing is it - well, Lord, I'm having a hard time seeing it. I'm not experiencing a whole helluva a lot of pleasure dealing with my mother and father, feel like a failure most of the time caring for Jonathan, and though I'm happy about being more connected to Brandon, don't really want to be toooo connected.
Heather, her sister and her mom at least experience (or experienced, in her mom's instance) pleasure in their work. Can I not also be blessed with the same in the vocation you give me? If it is this marriage and family thing, then Lord give me joy in it. Let me wake up excited to do what I need to do in it, go to sleep content about it, and not wanting it to really end. I can be exhausted by the effort and time, but not depleted, discouraged, and despondent. You can enable me to be at once exhausted by all that I have to do, and energized in the doing. That is possible in Christ, who is my righteousness. Who was never weary in caring for others and was always compassionate, willing to extend Himself more and more - even unto the Cross.
Help me Lord to get there.
I'm so, so tired of the confusion.
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