I didn't really address the topic of this morning's post. It was supposed to be about care taking, particularly that of my mother. My dad - well, he's pretty much self-sufficient and is getting great care in the nursing home. I don't believe that I provide the level of attention to him that I should - don't visit enough, check up enough, call enough - really don't call at all, he usually calls me. However, my behavior toward him is rooted in more long-term stuff...general uneasiness and awkwardness with him that has existed all of my life. Even now at 50, I have a hard time transcending it - and I know that I should. I moved back here in 2009 and he remained marginalized in my life. I barely spoke to him while he was in the house or sat down to spend time with him. Knowing that life is short and tomorrow is not promised should be enough for me to step it up - give him the time that he deserves. Yet...Lord help me.
Anyway -- that's a topic for another day to chew on and ... to chew on.
It's my mother's fall early this morning, and just the general care that she requires now, that is so pressing on me. She's complained all day about how achy she is. I know she wants acknowledgement about the fall and the danger of it...she wants me to dispaly more empathy and concern. Yet, I've felt very cold about it - even bothered that she keeps complaining. My head is saying, "Get over it. Yes, you're gonna hurt. You fell. Yet, God kept you from injury. The soreness will dissipate over time. Just stop already!"
I don't know why I don't have any real sympathy for what happened or alarm. In a way it's as if I expected it to happen - or better, of course it would happen. Of course. Only this time, the Lord sent angels of complete protection (yes, He did for my dad, too, I suppose, but was it complete??) I don't know the cause of the fall. Will it happen again? Is there some underlying cause? Should I have taken her to the doctor to get a full exam and not dismissed it as some odd mishap??
She said she was on the floor for hours. Was she? Was she calling me for hours? The thought of it...I mean the severity of that being the case just won't penetrate my heart. Why have I gotten so callous when it comes to her and my dad - when it comes to their care?
In the the interview I watched yesterday with TD Jakes, he mentioned how he found himself stuck on the runway in a plane for hours. It frustrated him to no end. He couldn't understand why he was so irritated. He did what most of us tend to do in that type of situation: try to rationalize it - make it not be so bad - bemoan our complaint. He said it was a lot like what happens when you feel stuck or trapped in a situation, but rationalize that it really isn't so bad and you are blessed - look at all that you have - why are you complaining, get over yourself! Sorta like what I did in a post earlier this week.
He came to the realization that his frustration was rooted in being "stuck in a place of movement". Man...man...man - did that speak to me. It is what I've felt for so many years now. This sense of imprisonment with no way of escape.
I was already hardhearted enough to leave my mother by herself when we went to Paris in 2014. It seems that as a consequence nothing went well for us there at all, propelling me to return early. Turns out returning was for the best because her memory issues had deteriorated that much more while we were away and there were things that needed to be handled here related to my dad's care that she would have never been able to take care of if I hadn't returned.
I don't want to come off as some martyr. But you don't leave an elderly woman with memory issues alone. Yet, this same woman will not go into assisted living. And even if she is in assisted living, I am still stuck. Jonathan and I have no freedom of movement to go and try to make a way for ourselves in some other part of the country or world. I would still need to keep an eye on my mother and father...care for two homes rather than one.
Days and days are passing me by - Jonathan's youth is being expended - and yet, there is the blessing that he knows his nana and pop-pop and has been able to spend so much quality time with them, especially his nana.
Father, how do I shake off this frustration? How do I embrace being stuck in a place of movement - or really - being stuck in a place of inertia - since movement has been lifted from me?
I suppose my fantasy of a rich husband who comes in and sweeps me off my feet is my way of escape. That he would be the one who could provide some semblance of freedom, whereby my mom and dad could get the best care, even at home, and yet, we could still go and do, and be together - I could live out my dreams of writing/editing/proofreading, philanthropy, child-rearing and working in the community.
Right now it's the only dream that provides respite for me. Getting a regular job and continuing in this situation...
And even the idea of simply dating and marrying a regular dude, but being required to work outside the home, so adding the care of a husband, job and existing responsibilities...
I'm not rationalizing anymore, Father. I hate this situation. Yet, I don't want out by death or sickness for anyone. I love my parents and am happy to have them still here - at the same time, their existence has become such a burden. It's so hard to reconcile both without feeling utterly shitty about myself and my perceptions of the state of all our lives at this point.
The word says that we are to share in the sufferings of Christ. I guess that's what this is all about. It says in this world you will see trouble, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world...
The world has been taking such severe swipes at me and my family these past 5 years, Father. Relentless, agonizing swipes of sickness, injury, lost, theft and even death (Brandon).
Father, can you please come in with power and bring relief -- renew joy. Give me a brand new heart, soft and able to show genuine mercy and kindness - a heart of love - not this heart of stone.
I'm so desperate for a suddenly blessing - I can barely articulate the depth of my need.
When Hannah came to you in desperation of heart, You answered her. You blessed her. And You blessed her again and again.
Be unto me as you were to Hannah, Father. Respond expediently in the same way that you did for her. I am waiting...
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