Lot's of handling other people's business for me today, which always, sadly, rubs me the wrong way - makes me anxious, agitated, irritated and simply foul. I constantly have to question if I am truly a child of the living God and Bible saved, due to the words that come out of my mouth, the grimace implanted on my face, the wicked thoughts in my head, and sometimes nasty things that I do to others. Today the negativity spilled out while rushing around to meet up with my dad at his urology appointment, sitting through the appointment with him and then running out to Macy's to get my mom make-up and hopefully getting back to Somerset in time to pick Jonathan up at the bus stop. Of course, on the way home from Macy's, I hit a traffic jam caused by, I believe, an accident (due to the firetrucks and EMT vehicles that whizzed by us - I pray that everyone was okay). I was livid. Just disgusted and voiced my disgust all the way from Macy's till I eventually got home.
My agitation was made that much more significant due to my pride getting the better of me. When I realized I wouldn't get to the bus stop by 3:25, I had to humble myself and call sweet Joanne, the grandmother of a young girl at our same bus stop, to see if she could take Jonathan home because I was delayed. She sweetly agreed to do so, even though Emma hadn't gone to school that day and was home sick. Ugh! I ABSOLUTELY HATE putting people out or asking for favors or asking for help, period. Yes, pride, pride, pride, pride. Though I really think it's rooted more in selfishness cause I hate having to do anyone else favors too - hence the agitation described above related to the stuff I needed to do for my parents today...stuff that I should count as a blessing because they are both here, living and breathing to Help! I should also have simply counted it a blessing to have Joanne to call and for her willingness to help. Yet, time and time again, my flesh and its self-centeredness gets the VERY BEST OF ME.
By the way: My outbursts were a complete waste of time. Why? Jonathan's bus broke down, so they were delayed leaving the school. When I got home, I noticed another neighbor's car was still at the bus stop, so I drove to it, and lo and behold, Joanne was sitting there with her husband, still waiting for Jonathan. I thanked her profusely and they went on their way while I sat another 10 minutes. The bus didn't arrive until almost 4 PM. Don't tell me our Father doesn't have a sense of humor...
Nonetheless, this pride/selfishness thing really is a burden. I sometimes believe that I simply lived too many years alone and spent quite a bit too much time even as a youngster alone. It made me incredibly self-sufficient, stingy with space and time, and self-centered. I've been on a 10 year scrubbing by the Lord to scrape all that off of me. I talked in my last post about the Lord having a specific purpose for me to move back to NJ. Right now I'm believing it simply was this scourging work that still hasn't been completed - heck, I'm not sure the first layer has been scrubbed off yet. I went from having at most discontent with my job and weight/self-image issues - oh, and not being in love/with a boyfriend/or married - as my primary issues in life, to getting knocked up outside of wedlock, caring for a child alone, than bearing primary responsibility for elderly parents, one with memory loss, and the other in nursing care due to mobility issues, and a rickety rackety old house that constantly requires repairs - on top of that, poor life decisions have me living paycheck to paycheck and essentially without any real plan in place to get up out of where I'm at so that everyone is in a much better place, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.
But maybe this was God's plan after all. To take me from a place of great self-sufficiency, where I didn't have to worry about anyone - where my parents were cool - I had no child to care for - and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted to a place where folks are depending on me and I would have to be forced to depend on others from time to time.
I HATE IT!!
And I'm not sure what this scourging will achieve in the long run. So far, I'm no more able to deal with these responsibilities than I was 7 years ago when they first started to rear their heads in my life. In fact, I feel even more out of control and vulnerable to breakdown and upset. I know the Lord is the answer. "Come ye all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you strength". Yes, I know this word and I know it's true, yet...yet...yet...
Today's devotion from Tim Cooper was about truly stepping into the grace of God for our lives. To ask for bold, big things that WE DO NOT DESERVE. Based on my poor behavior, my foul mouth, my anxious, fearful, dreadful thoughts, my discontent, my anger, my resentment, and every other ugly thing you can think of, I'm having a hard time imagining how I can believe God to give me the deep desires of my heart or for Him to speedily fulfill His word in my life.
However, that is grace: giving us way more than what we deserve. Mercy on the other hand is not taking me out based on what foul things I've done - and Lord knows He has given me MUCH mercy. But grace? Have I really, truly tapped into it?
I still find myself feeling unworthy to be granted anything good - and that of course my prayers haven't been answered because I don't know how to act right and mess up so much. What kind of woman of God are you, anyway? If people could see how you REALLY are?? For sure God does, so do you really think He wants to do anything good for you??!
Romans 5:8 -But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Hmm...yes, the word does say that. So, if our Father would be willing to give up His son to a horrifying death even while we were still sinners, why should I doubt that once saved He would not still grant me more of this grace:
Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
True dat😉.
Tim went on to say that we need to do as Paul encouraged the Hebrews:
Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
What do I need? No, what do I want that the Lord almighty knows I do not deserve?
Yesterday, I said I wouldn't write my current prayer requests in this blog, but heck, Tim has encouraged me to step it up, especially in light of how UNWORTHY I KNOW I AM. So here I go:
I don't want a job outside the home, Father. Grant me, by Jesus, marriage to a genuinely Godly man, not unlike Dave Meyer, who loves me as Christ loves the church, who is spirit-filled, a giver, handsome to me, healthy and in shape, wears glasses, and comes from a sane, neat, loving family, and who loves Jonathan as if he is his very own son - loves and cares for him VERY well - and is a great example of what it means to be a man of God striving for excellence in his walk with the Lord and his interactions with others. Grant us, by Jesus, a passionate, marriage that gets better over time, and enable us together to bring more Glory to you, Father, than either of us could ever manage alone. Enable and give me over to caring for this man, our home, our children and our parents as my primary vocation. Grant this to me in this calendar year, 2018. I already have the dress!
Open the door WIDE OPEN for Jonathan to be accepted to and to attend Princeton Academy, starting in September 2018, by Jesus.
Move my mother to agreement to sell this house and to move into assisted living and give us a buyer of this home who will pay top dollar, whether for redevelopment or to live. Make my mother's transition to assisted living one that is full of peace and not dread. Grant her comfort there, in the mighty name of Jesus! Enable all of this to take place before the end of the summer of 2018.
Bless us (Jonathan, my husband and I) with a lovely, warm, inviting home, on a big plot of beautiful land, but still near amenities, like parks and shopping, with a small town feel and a main street, good running routes for me, and kids to play with for Jonathan, and big enough to open up for ministry - such as small women's retreats or providing respite space for missionaries and others in long-term Christian service, a place where we can entertain indoors and out and that we can afford on my husband's salary alone. Make him a man of means, who prospers greatly in his vocation, so that we always have more than enough to live on, to save and to give away!
Fulfill the word you audibly spoke to me in August 2015, Father. This is between You and me. I heard you. I heard You clearly. I know it was You and I know You are able to do it.
I ask all these things, even in the wake of my actions, words and thoughts today - even only a few minutes ago when I had to help my mom find the make-up she misplaced that I just brought for her earlier today (yes, I was agitated and didn't go about helping her in a loving, sweet way - *sigh*) - in the mighty and precious name of Jesus Christ, by whom I can receive all things from the Father. Only BELIEVE and RECEIVE.
AMEN!
No comments:
Post a Comment