Venting is healthy. Not so much in the cursing, foul way that I do on the regular through my mouth - *sigh* - but simply having an avenue to express myself is a great relief. Why I stayed away from this blog for so long, I don't know.
Today I had another cursing, I'm sick and tired of this bulls*&^%t, session after getting yet another request for money from my sister-in-law. It's not so much the request. I want to help - it's a blessing to help. My specific spiritual gift is giving - particularly financial gifts. It's just that it feels like all I'm doing is giving and sowing and giving and sowing, but a tangible overflow back to me hasn't manifested itself. For me overflow is not necessarily a financial reward, but it would be maybe pipes not bursting or possums and squirrels not tearing up the house - cars not breaking down - roofs not requiring repair - a viable job that fits the pressing, personal responsibilities that I have - a job that I enjoy, that's flexible with good pay and benefits -- better - an answer to my truest desire: a Godly husband who says, "Don't worry about working outside the home. I got this!"
The reality is that I am blessed. I'm not in need or want. Things aren't perfect but nothing is perfect this side of heaven. However, it's pretty close to perfect. Everything we could possibly need we have and much more. EVERYTHING. I should have NO complaint whatsoever. In many ways, I still manifest the attitude of the son who stayed with the father while his prodigal brother went off with his inheritance and wasted it all on women and wine. I'm not always able to see HOW BLESSED I AM ALREADY and all that my Father has made available to me. It's a trick of satan and I fall for it all the time.
Why is it so hard to focus on what is already good in our lives? Why should giving someone money when they're in need cause me to be angry at God for not doing the "extra" that I want Him to do in my life. I'm able to give, even though my funds are low, because I don't have excessive rent, my mother is paying all of the utilities, my main expenses are groceries, car payment, gas, garbage pick-up, car insurance, tithes, offerings, hair, and recreation for me and Jonathan. I don't need much to live on. Kay's $500 per month goes a long way to help, as well. I could definitely get more for Jonathan, but it's enough. It's enough.
Father, help me to always see that I AM BLESSED and I AM BLESSED to BE A BLESSING. Whether abased or abounding, I need to be content, just like the Apostle Paul. We have our health, shelter, clothes on our back. Enough money to live on, to save and to give away. No, I'm not making 100K+ per year. Even when I did make that kind of money, I still felt like I didn't have enough! It's all perspective. I don't want to have a miser complex. I want to always be ready and willing to help someone when they are in need.
In any case, along with the fast, I was hoping to sow a single unemployment check (gross) in the month of January, which would be $677. I've given into the Haiti trip for our church- that was $100 and I plan to send my oldest friend's son, who is a college student, $100, and I've just sent my sister-in-law $500, so that covers that $677 seed, with a little extra on top.
My sweet, S. African friend Winsome, who I met in Paris (our friendship journey will require a whole post altogether) has been facing a lot of hardship over the past few years, which we thought was on its way to being remedied on her return to China for an ESL teaching assignment. The initial assignment did not work out as planned and she was in dire straits trying to find accommodations and another job. She was on the brink of giving up and going back to S. Africa. The Lord moved me to declare His word over her life - His promises - and to encourage her to believe for BIG things and that she would not have to go back to S. Africa. Two days later, she emails news of a great assignment, with great pay, and a travel and housing stipend, doing the kind of teaching she really wanted to do, smack dab in the middle of Beijing.
My sister-in-law's request today felt that much more sour because once again I saw the Lord move quickly in response to my intercession for someone else, yet my specific prayers remained unanswered.
However, I'm reminded now how Winsome always makes sure to attach a prayer request with her seed - whether a tithe or offering. I haven't done that. Over the past 6 months, the Lord has poured out a lot of financial seed through me into the lives of people around me. If I count all the seed of the past 20 years, it would be more than I could measure. He has flowed through me mightily to bless others.
Father, today, I'm bringing each and every offering back to your attention, particularly that which was given out in the past few months and in previous periods of my life, like while in Paris in 2014, when money was very low, but you still purposed for me to bless others with financial offerings.
Please see fit to POUR OUT A BLESSING in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that there be not room enough to receive it (Malachi 3:10). Fulfill this promise in my life and this one, as well:
Father, I'm asking based on the grace that You're able to grant me by Jesus alone. Even my giving is by Jesus alone, not myself. So, reward His faithfulness in my life. Open the doors of heaven. Give me and Jonathan a suddenly blessing - cause us to shout out loud that you are a God who HEARS and who ANSWERS His children.
In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN!
No comments:
Post a Comment