So, this morning, around 5 am, I hear Jonathan's little voice speaking - waking me out of a deep sleep. I call out to him and he comes to the door to tell me that "Nana needs you." Groggy, I get up and we go downstairs to hear my mother calling my name. Jonathan's bedroom is right over her bedroom, which is why he heard her first, and thank God he did. She was laid out on the floor beside her bed! Strangely, she was laid out with her head at the foot of the bed. She said she fell out of bed, but I don't think that was possible. Likely she got up and felt dizzy and fainted. Angels caught her and made sure she fell specifically between the small space between the bed and the bathroom wall, otherwise she could have majorly injured herself, similar to what happened to my dad on May 14, 2013, when he fell out of bed and suffered the cervical spinal injury that eventually led him to nursing home care.
My mother was sore, but no injuries, praise God. I was able to get her up and back into the bed. After a few Tylenol tablets, she went back to sleep and woke later in the morning feeling much better. Jonathan remained calm the whole time - he is amazing. He is truly the gift that his name personifies (gift of God). We both went back to sleep and awoke later to start our day.
To see my mother lying there of course brought back flashbacks of that faithful day back in 2013. Somewhat like the consecrated place I am with the Lord right now during this fast, I was endeavoring to give over my mornings to the Lord for quiet time. I had a real push inside me to make sure I got up early on the 14th of May to spend that time with him. In the midst of this quiet space, my mother's voice broke through, calling me to come downstairs. There was my dad, lodged between the bed and the wall, his leg burnt by the radiator, because he no longer had feeling in his extremities. From there was the start of a roller-coaster emotional trajectory that lasted from that point up until this past Sunday, before the fast.
In many ways, I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown, one that manifested in decisions and drinking and other behavior that took me away from where the Lord had been trying to take me prior to the event. Possibly, the seeds of this breakdown really started when I got connected to Kay. A lot of decisions I made in the wake of meeting and connecting with him were totally not of the Lord, but of my flesh, and I reaped the consequences. My dad's fall simply ignited what would be 5 of the most tumultuous years of my life. I sense the enemy was trying to get me off track again with my mom's fall today.
Father God, I know you are moving me back in step with you and your plans for my life and Jonathan's life. The enemy hates it. He wants me sitting every evening on the couch, downing wine and vodka gimlets, drowning out my worries and indecisiveness, keeping me discouraged and hopeless, with no direction or plan to get out.
However, this time, I'm not gonna fall for his tricks. I'm standing strong in the might of Jesus, and know that this is only the beginning of great days for my life and Jonathan's. Falling into step with you, Lord, is perfectly timed for this season of my life. I will not be derailed.
Yesterday, I watched a YouTube interview of TD Jakes about his book, SOAR with Steven Furtick of Elevation Church. The book addresses how to make your dream of a business, non-profit, whatever it is you feel called to do, come to pass in your life. It was fascinating and I learned a lot.
I'm seeing now that my idea for a non-profit that is funded through editing/proofreading work can happen. Father, you have massaged this idea and sculpted it into a bit of a different form from what I originally envisioned. Originally, it was purely a non-profit to route money to individuals in long-term Christian Service and providing a place of respite for them when they had sabbatical time.
Now I see that my gift of writing, editing, proofreading can be used to fund the foundation and be a place where I can share about the different organizations that I currently support and maybe find out about others who need a forum. Maybe providing specific help for missionaries and Christian workers who want to write devotionals, pamphlets, or books that highlight their experiences in the field.
Father, I need your wisdom and direction. I want this to work and to be prosperous. I would like to be able to give 80% of what is donated and live off of 20%. How do you make that happen? Please make it happen.
I need wisdom, Father, about a name, marketing, Web site, business cards, pricing. Enable me to develop a clear business plan. Show me where I can get start-up funding, if needed. Pour out your favor so that I get clients and am able to do a good work for them. Keep me accountable. Steer me the direction of mentors. Help me, Lord.
Above all, if this is not of you, than make that very clear to me. I want to do what You want me to do. Let me not get offtrack.
I'm depending on You alone. You alone, Father...
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