The sermon from Pastor Scott yesterday was so powerful. It was a life-shift kind of sermon. I felt as if I came face to face with my destiny and if I did not make a decision to move forward as he was directing us, by the Spirit of God, I would never find my way completely out of the despair and stagnation that has been my life these past few years.
His text focus was the story of Joseph, but particularly the manner in which Joseph dealt with all of the delays and unfair treatment that he experienced over a course of 13 years between the Father giving him the dream of his future and achievement or manifestation of that dream.
He was hated by his brothers, almost left for dead by those same brothers, but then, due to a change of heart, sold by those brothers into slavery.
He was then unjustly accused by his slave owner's wife of molestation and thrown into jail.
While in jail, he helped two prisoners, enabling one to be set free, only to be forgotten once that prisoner returned to civilian life.
Ultimately, the Lord brought about the realization of that dream - prospered Joseph mightily and allowed reconciliation with the brothers who had so cruelly abandoned & hated him years before.
Through it all, Joseph remained committed to his Father and committed to living a life of diligence, calm, and poise.
And he never complained.
Not once. And the word says that throughout all of the trials, Joseph found favor with God and was a successful man.
Even as a slave, he was the top slave.
In jail he was the top prisoner.
And finally as a free man, he was second in command to Pharaoh. Just amazing!
Our Pastor noted that what is central to all of this is that Joseph displayed a spirit of giving over all to the Father. He never solicited for any more than what was right before him. He clearly lived a life led by the Father and dependent on God alone. Nary a pleading, begging prayer for anything that HE WANTED came from his lips. He was fully surrendered and as a result he was a blessed man - one able to love others, serve others, and forgive others, without hesitation.
I've spent most of my life begging, pleading, grumbling, complaining. There's been very little, if any surrendering.
I know of one distinct time when I did surrender: El Paso Texas, December 1996. I came truly to the very end of myself. In utter despair, emotionally spent, lonely, depressed, sad and hopeless. I had no one but the Father.
He had me exactly where He needed me to be.
I left El Paso utterly broken, but within a month, the Lord had given me what I'd be striving for all those previous months: Not one, but three job offers.
Thus, I know first hand that the surrendered life is the life He desires for all His children. Yet, why is it so hard?
Well, after yesterday's sermon, already feeling almost as despairing as I did in 1996 - the excitement of my impossible dream of buying that dream house on 43 S Middlebush starting to wain - I found myself at the alter - pouring out my heart, tears soaking my face, and I gave all of it to Him.
A job
Being a parent to Jonathan
Being a caregiver to my parents
Staying in this house
Moving from this house
Buying a new home
43 S Middlebush
Renovating a home
Jonathan's schooling
Getting married
God fulfilling his word to me
My tongue
My behavior
My thoughts
Everything
It's all back in the Father's hands, where it should be.
Later at church, two elders prayed over me about work. I no longer see this CSS job as a good fit. It's not for me. I don't want it. I sensed Labyrinth Books and the claustrophobic nature of that job all over CSS, and I want no part of it - no matter how nice the team might be. The elders prayed for the Father to place me in the job best for me - at a salary that is appropriate - and that His favor remain on me to be selected - even found by my future employer. That is what I am standing on now. I'm no longer looking. I plan to respond to inquiries only.
And by the goodness of God, I indeed did get an inquiry today from a contracting firm for a 12-month contract assignment! The description sounds like a great fit and it's in Bedminster - a location that I like - and it seems possible that this could be a work from home job. I'm not gonna shake my head at contract jobs anymore. My Father can convert the job to permanent - if not that one, than another. There will no longer be gaps in my employment. I decree and declare that right now! In fact, this job will not require an extensive interview. It pays well, it allows for work at home, and it is mine!
Indeed, this is a new season of believing and thanksgiving! The pleading and begging are over. I plan to walk in the rights and privileges of being a daughter of the most High God, my El Shadai - God Almighty - my Jehovah Nissi - Whose banner is over me - my Jehovah Shalom, Whose peace comforts and keeps me. He is doing great things in my life and in Jonathan's life and all those who are near and dear to me. I can see it. I am so thankful for it.
You indeed are the GREAT I AM! All praises to You in the Highest! Thank you for Your Son Jesus, through whom I can come BOLDLY to the THRONE of GRACE to receive MERCY & GRACE in my time of need!
Hallelujah - AMEN!!
Monday, January 22, 2018
Friday, January 19, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 12: Job Interview and new home...
In 2016, right after I started my contract job with Intuit, a home in a section of Somerset that I really love came on the market. I walked around it with Jonathan and then had my trusty realtor, Pat Pilat, who's been working with me to find a home (since 2010!) bring me in to do a walk-through. It was a 1860's era home with a lot of the original details, but in pretty good condition. One issue was that the main bathroom had a weirdly placed shower and all of the ceilings were low, low. I mean, like, Jonathan would probably curse me out as a 6 ft+ teenager kind of low! I put an offer on it anyway and we kept negotiating. Got them down to $175000. I pushed for $165000 and they went with another seller.
I still regret losing that house. In reality, I likely would not have been able to make payments in the wake of me not finding a job since the Intuit contract ended. Nonetheless, I continued to covet the potential of another home, on the same block, going on the market.
With this new desire for Jonathan to attend Princeton Academy and the possibility that I would be working in Princeton, as well, my hunger for a house in that location started to peak again. I decided to do a realtor.com search on homes in Somerset for sale 200000 and under. A house on that block popped up. I checked out the pictures. Another 1800 era home with original details. Large backyard, three car garage, beautiful treed lot. I was enchanted. Next day, I drove to the house with mom and walked around it and peeked in windows. Fell more in love. Called Pat. We got in to see it later that day. Jonathan and I were smitten.
This is our home.
Today, however, I took a closer look at the listing and the house has a lot of hidden problems. So much character, but a shaky foundation that will need major repairs, wet basement will need new sump pump, new roof is required on the garage and new windows, as well...some new windows on the house, possibly an underground oil tank that has contaminated the soil, so that will need drying out and sealing - and then well inspected to insure all is okay there...
So all that plus cosmetic stuff that needs to be done. Sigh. In the past, I would have just given up. In fact, I don't even have a job, so do I really believe I can get a mortgage? And it would need to be a 203K mortgage at that. Stop being in dreamland, Kim! Really - just stop!
I won't. I can't.
We're smitten. There's a main floor bedroom for my mom. Only one bath, but it's set up how I love - bath tub on one side, toilet and sink on the other. Beautiful wide plank pine floors, a gorgeous fireplace, dedicated dining room, kitchen that can easily be updated, a big bedroom for Jonathan with a window seat - walk up attic for storage and CENTRAL AIR! A future possibility to fit a bath on top floor. And above all, a three car garage that I can easily see as the retreat center space I've been believing for...
Another request I've added to my list, Father :-)
So, today was the job interview with Center for Supportive Schools and I believe it went well. A panel interview in front of 6 members of the team. I felt the Lord's hedge of protection and His peace throughout the interview. They're a fun bunch - collegial and I can see myself as a good fit. I had to take an excel test at the end that I pretty much bombed. However, if it be your will, Father, I know You can enable me to be an EXCELLENT contributor to the team and organization. Now only to figure out how - I - not a morning person, can transform my schedule to be up early for work and work out later in the day - run later in the day - or - do more short runs during the week in the wee hours of the morning and long runs on the weekends and yoga at night - probably Hot Yoga on Mondays but not with Marcus (boo hoo).
So do I really want this job after all???
In truth - I still want to work full time from home. Yet, none of the jobs I've applied to will allow that. I know that I'll be able to eventually work from home with CSS, at least once a week, but...I would still need to get Jonathan to school and then log on for a bit and then leave to do yoga! Will they allow that? They did with Intuit, which I LOVED! But CSS? Father, this is my request: To be able to work from home on Wednesdays and have the freedom to step away from 8:30-10:30 for yoga. Will they agree to that?
In any case, stuff is sorta falling into place. Reality - what I still long for is marriage to a man who would not require that I work from home AND getting that beautiful home AND a man who is able to actually do a lot of the work - a contractor.
Big Ask, huh, Father?
Well, You are able to accomplish, to do, to make happen - THE IMPOSSIBLE. I'm throwing quite a few at you! If You can raise Christ from the dead, I know You can work all this out in our favor.
I'm a believer - in YOU ALONE!!
I receive it all, in the mighty, precious name of J-E-S-U-S!!!!
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 10 - Say it...Do it...Receive it...Tell it!
I've been reading my Kenneth E. Hagin pamphlets again. I came upon them back at the end of 2016. I would carry one with me to my cocktail time at the Heldrich Hotel. They blessed me and were great reading along with my vodka gimlets and hot wings or fries By February of 2017, I was done with the Heldrich and discovered I could make my own cocktails at home. I suppose that wasn't a good thing. I spent almost every evening from February 2017 to the start of this fast inebriated in some fashion, either via a couple of cocktails or a few glasses of wine. Praise God again for using this fast to deliver me from that bondage.
I knew that Pastor Hagin wrote a few pamphlets related to walking in love. It turns out it was his son that wrote them - Kenneth W. Hagin. One is called Faith Worketh by Love. It was eye-opening, considering my current revelation of how much I do not walk in love.
The pamphlet points out that if you are believing for something and have great faith that it will come to pass, it really doesn't measure up to much if you're not walking in love - preferring others, being kind and considerate - living out 1 Corinthians 13.
One particular scripture from that chapter resonates with me: "Love does not seek after its own". I see now that a lot of my discontent is related to me seeking after my own peace of mind, my own comfort, my own happiness. I haven't achieved any of those things, however. Just more bitterness, resentment, impatience, anger and discouragement.
Father, you are working on my heart. I believe it's changing. And I'm moving forward with the belief that I AM CHANGED!
Another teaching by Kenneth E. Hagin is You Can Have What You Say. He outlines four steps to follow that will utterly change your life if you practice them:
I knew that Pastor Hagin wrote a few pamphlets related to walking in love. It turns out it was his son that wrote them - Kenneth W. Hagin. One is called Faith Worketh by Love. It was eye-opening, considering my current revelation of how much I do not walk in love.
The pamphlet points out that if you are believing for something and have great faith that it will come to pass, it really doesn't measure up to much if you're not walking in love - preferring others, being kind and considerate - living out 1 Corinthians 13.
One particular scripture from that chapter resonates with me: "Love does not seek after its own". I see now that a lot of my discontent is related to me seeking after my own peace of mind, my own comfort, my own happiness. I haven't achieved any of those things, however. Just more bitterness, resentment, impatience, anger and discouragement.
Father, you are working on my heart. I believe it's changing. And I'm moving forward with the belief that I AM CHANGED!
Another teaching by Kenneth E. Hagin is You Can Have What You Say. He outlines four steps to follow that will utterly change your life if you practice them:
- Say it (as if it has already happened)
- Do it (as if you already have it)
- Receive it (with thanksgiving and praise)
- Tell it (pronounce your testimony with gladness)
What spoke to me about these steps is that it's not limited to material things, but also, and more importantly, spiritual things.
For example, I can literally say "I walk in Love" and then just start walking in love!
I can say "I walk in the fruit of the spirit" and allow kindness to flow through me.
I can say "The spirit of complaint is not part of me" and mediate on what is possible and good.
And on and on, such as...
I can say "Whatever is lovely, praiseworthy, honorable and of good report - I think on and say these things."
I can say "I do not frustrate Jonathan, but raise him up in the way that he should go."
I can say "I am as one who brings him (my spouse) comfort." and "My husband loves me as Christ loves the church and lives with me in understanding" and "I am a suitable help meet for a Godly, Christ-centered man who God says should not be alone."
And yes, material things as well, such as...
"We live in a spacious house, on a large lot, near springs and brooks, and a downtown that's walkable, with children Jonathan can play with, and where we can bless others through retreats, pot lucks, Bible Studies, playtime."
"Our family is prosperous - in health and wealth - and we have more than enough to live on, give away and save."
The Sky is the Limit!
I'm endeavoring to believe this way. I know that when I have in the past, the Lord has worked miracle after miracle for me.
I thank you, Father, that you are opening my heart and mind to truths that will take me to the next stage of my life - a stage that has been prepared for me and Jonathan for such a time as this. As the blessings unfold, You will receive all the honor and praise due to You, for You are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED AND HIGHLY LIFTED UP!
Father, my declarations of belief extend to my family and friends, so that no one is lacking and their needs are being met by Christ Jesus our Lord. So that Jonathan finds favor with You and man, and walks out your specific purpose for his life, so that those in ministry like Miracle and Tena fulfill the fullness of your call on their lives, so that those who are sick are made well, by the stripes of Jesus.
This is the year of great and unexpected, suddenly blessings! Keep me ever expectant that You will work wonders in our lives!
Sunday, January 14, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 7 - Weary
I am tired. Very very tired, so don't have much to say today.
I had a long talk with you last night, Father. About the dearth of genuine kindness in my life. My seeming inability to display it naturally. When I do, it seems forced, fake. What comes naturally is irritation and being perturbed by people and situations.
What I know is that only by the Holy Spirit are we able to display the fruit of the Spirit - goodness, gentleness, Godliness, love, self-control, kindness.
So, I clearly need much much more of the Holy Spirit.
Your word says how much more of the Holy Spirit will you give to those who ask.
I'm asking.
Give.
I need so much more of Him in my life so I can effectively, authentically be kind, be gentle, be good, be self-controlled, be loving.
Give, Father. Shaken down and pressed together.
Give.
I had a long talk with you last night, Father. About the dearth of genuine kindness in my life. My seeming inability to display it naturally. When I do, it seems forced, fake. What comes naturally is irritation and being perturbed by people and situations.
What I know is that only by the Holy Spirit are we able to display the fruit of the Spirit - goodness, gentleness, Godliness, love, self-control, kindness.
So, I clearly need much much more of the Holy Spirit.
Your word says how much more of the Holy Spirit will you give to those who ask.
I'm asking.
Give.
I need so much more of Him in my life so I can effectively, authentically be kind, be gentle, be good, be self-controlled, be loving.
Give, Father. Shaken down and pressed together.
Give.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 6 - Jonathan's input
Jonathan at the Jardin Du Luxumberg in Paris France, April 2017
I neglected to include Jonathan's prayer requests during this 21-Day fast with our church. He's fasting his Kindle, which is a HUGE sacrifice on his part, but I believe will be richly rewarded by our Father.
So, here we go - what Jonathan hopes the Lord will bring to pass as a result of his fast:
- This is not a request, but more a statement of gratitude: Thanks for Mr. Norman and all that he did for us when things weren't right.
- Bless us with a new house.
- Bless mommy with a new job.
That's it :-).
I have some stuff to say about Mr. Norman, who has been heavy on my heart today. I'll post about it later.
Friday, January 12, 2018
Caretaking - Part II
I didn't really address the topic of this morning's post. It was supposed to be about care taking, particularly that of my mother. My dad - well, he's pretty much self-sufficient and is getting great care in the nursing home. I don't believe that I provide the level of attention to him that I should - don't visit enough, check up enough, call enough - really don't call at all, he usually calls me. However, my behavior toward him is rooted in more long-term stuff...general uneasiness and awkwardness with him that has existed all of my life. Even now at 50, I have a hard time transcending it - and I know that I should. I moved back here in 2009 and he remained marginalized in my life. I barely spoke to him while he was in the house or sat down to spend time with him. Knowing that life is short and tomorrow is not promised should be enough for me to step it up - give him the time that he deserves. Yet...Lord help me.
Anyway -- that's a topic for another day to chew on and ... to chew on.
It's my mother's fall early this morning, and just the general care that she requires now, that is so pressing on me. She's complained all day about how achy she is. I know she wants acknowledgement about the fall and the danger of it...she wants me to dispaly more empathy and concern. Yet, I've felt very cold about it - even bothered that she keeps complaining. My head is saying, "Get over it. Yes, you're gonna hurt. You fell. Yet, God kept you from injury. The soreness will dissipate over time. Just stop already!"
I don't know why I don't have any real sympathy for what happened or alarm. In a way it's as if I expected it to happen - or better, of course it would happen. Of course. Only this time, the Lord sent angels of complete protection (yes, He did for my dad, too, I suppose, but was it complete??) I don't know the cause of the fall. Will it happen again? Is there some underlying cause? Should I have taken her to the doctor to get a full exam and not dismissed it as some odd mishap??
She said she was on the floor for hours. Was she? Was she calling me for hours? The thought of it...I mean the severity of that being the case just won't penetrate my heart. Why have I gotten so callous when it comes to her and my dad - when it comes to their care?
In the the interview I watched yesterday with TD Jakes, he mentioned how he found himself stuck on the runway in a plane for hours. It frustrated him to no end. He couldn't understand why he was so irritated. He did what most of us tend to do in that type of situation: try to rationalize it - make it not be so bad - bemoan our complaint. He said it was a lot like what happens when you feel stuck or trapped in a situation, but rationalize that it really isn't so bad and you are blessed - look at all that you have - why are you complaining, get over yourself! Sorta like what I did in a post earlier this week.
He came to the realization that his frustration was rooted in being "stuck in a place of movement". Man...man...man - did that speak to me. It is what I've felt for so many years now. This sense of imprisonment with no way of escape.
I was already hardhearted enough to leave my mother by herself when we went to Paris in 2014. It seems that as a consequence nothing went well for us there at all, propelling me to return early. Turns out returning was for the best because her memory issues had deteriorated that much more while we were away and there were things that needed to be handled here related to my dad's care that she would have never been able to take care of if I hadn't returned.
I don't want to come off as some martyr. But you don't leave an elderly woman with memory issues alone. Yet, this same woman will not go into assisted living. And even if she is in assisted living, I am still stuck. Jonathan and I have no freedom of movement to go and try to make a way for ourselves in some other part of the country or world. I would still need to keep an eye on my mother and father...care for two homes rather than one.
Days and days are passing me by - Jonathan's youth is being expended - and yet, there is the blessing that he knows his nana and pop-pop and has been able to spend so much quality time with them, especially his nana.
Father, how do I shake off this frustration? How do I embrace being stuck in a place of movement - or really - being stuck in a place of inertia - since movement has been lifted from me?
I suppose my fantasy of a rich husband who comes in and sweeps me off my feet is my way of escape. That he would be the one who could provide some semblance of freedom, whereby my mom and dad could get the best care, even at home, and yet, we could still go and do, and be together - I could live out my dreams of writing/editing/proofreading, philanthropy, child-rearing and working in the community.
Right now it's the only dream that provides respite for me. Getting a regular job and continuing in this situation...
And even the idea of simply dating and marrying a regular dude, but being required to work outside the home, so adding the care of a husband, job and existing responsibilities...
I'm not rationalizing anymore, Father. I hate this situation. Yet, I don't want out by death or sickness for anyone. I love my parents and am happy to have them still here - at the same time, their existence has become such a burden. It's so hard to reconcile both without feeling utterly shitty about myself and my perceptions of the state of all our lives at this point.
The word says that we are to share in the sufferings of Christ. I guess that's what this is all about. It says in this world you will see trouble, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world...
The world has been taking such severe swipes at me and my family these past 5 years, Father. Relentless, agonizing swipes of sickness, injury, lost, theft and even death (Brandon).
Father, can you please come in with power and bring relief -- renew joy. Give me a brand new heart, soft and able to show genuine mercy and kindness - a heart of love - not this heart of stone.
I'm so desperate for a suddenly blessing - I can barely articulate the depth of my need.
When Hannah came to you in desperation of heart, You answered her. You blessed her. And You blessed her again and again.
Be unto me as you were to Hannah, Father. Respond expediently in the same way that you did for her. I am waiting...
Anyway -- that's a topic for another day to chew on and ... to chew on.
It's my mother's fall early this morning, and just the general care that she requires now, that is so pressing on me. She's complained all day about how achy she is. I know she wants acknowledgement about the fall and the danger of it...she wants me to dispaly more empathy and concern. Yet, I've felt very cold about it - even bothered that she keeps complaining. My head is saying, "Get over it. Yes, you're gonna hurt. You fell. Yet, God kept you from injury. The soreness will dissipate over time. Just stop already!"
I don't know why I don't have any real sympathy for what happened or alarm. In a way it's as if I expected it to happen - or better, of course it would happen. Of course. Only this time, the Lord sent angels of complete protection (yes, He did for my dad, too, I suppose, but was it complete??) I don't know the cause of the fall. Will it happen again? Is there some underlying cause? Should I have taken her to the doctor to get a full exam and not dismissed it as some odd mishap??
She said she was on the floor for hours. Was she? Was she calling me for hours? The thought of it...I mean the severity of that being the case just won't penetrate my heart. Why have I gotten so callous when it comes to her and my dad - when it comes to their care?
In the the interview I watched yesterday with TD Jakes, he mentioned how he found himself stuck on the runway in a plane for hours. It frustrated him to no end. He couldn't understand why he was so irritated. He did what most of us tend to do in that type of situation: try to rationalize it - make it not be so bad - bemoan our complaint. He said it was a lot like what happens when you feel stuck or trapped in a situation, but rationalize that it really isn't so bad and you are blessed - look at all that you have - why are you complaining, get over yourself! Sorta like what I did in a post earlier this week.
He came to the realization that his frustration was rooted in being "stuck in a place of movement". Man...man...man - did that speak to me. It is what I've felt for so many years now. This sense of imprisonment with no way of escape.
I was already hardhearted enough to leave my mother by herself when we went to Paris in 2014. It seems that as a consequence nothing went well for us there at all, propelling me to return early. Turns out returning was for the best because her memory issues had deteriorated that much more while we were away and there were things that needed to be handled here related to my dad's care that she would have never been able to take care of if I hadn't returned.
I don't want to come off as some martyr. But you don't leave an elderly woman with memory issues alone. Yet, this same woman will not go into assisted living. And even if she is in assisted living, I am still stuck. Jonathan and I have no freedom of movement to go and try to make a way for ourselves in some other part of the country or world. I would still need to keep an eye on my mother and father...care for two homes rather than one.
Days and days are passing me by - Jonathan's youth is being expended - and yet, there is the blessing that he knows his nana and pop-pop and has been able to spend so much quality time with them, especially his nana.
Father, how do I shake off this frustration? How do I embrace being stuck in a place of movement - or really - being stuck in a place of inertia - since movement has been lifted from me?
I suppose my fantasy of a rich husband who comes in and sweeps me off my feet is my way of escape. That he would be the one who could provide some semblance of freedom, whereby my mom and dad could get the best care, even at home, and yet, we could still go and do, and be together - I could live out my dreams of writing/editing/proofreading, philanthropy, child-rearing and working in the community.
Right now it's the only dream that provides respite for me. Getting a regular job and continuing in this situation...
And even the idea of simply dating and marrying a regular dude, but being required to work outside the home, so adding the care of a husband, job and existing responsibilities...
I'm not rationalizing anymore, Father. I hate this situation. Yet, I don't want out by death or sickness for anyone. I love my parents and am happy to have them still here - at the same time, their existence has become such a burden. It's so hard to reconcile both without feeling utterly shitty about myself and my perceptions of the state of all our lives at this point.
The word says that we are to share in the sufferings of Christ. I guess that's what this is all about. It says in this world you will see trouble, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world...
The world has been taking such severe swipes at me and my family these past 5 years, Father. Relentless, agonizing swipes of sickness, injury, lost, theft and even death (Brandon).
Father, can you please come in with power and bring relief -- renew joy. Give me a brand new heart, soft and able to show genuine mercy and kindness - a heart of love - not this heart of stone.
I'm so desperate for a suddenly blessing - I can barely articulate the depth of my need.
When Hannah came to you in desperation of heart, You answered her. You blessed her. And You blessed her again and again.
Be unto me as you were to Hannah, Father. Respond expediently in the same way that you did for her. I am waiting...
21-Day Fast - Day 5 - Caretaking
So, this morning, around 5 am, I hear Jonathan's little voice speaking - waking me out of a deep sleep. I call out to him and he comes to the door to tell me that "Nana needs you." Groggy, I get up and we go downstairs to hear my mother calling my name. Jonathan's bedroom is right over her bedroom, which is why he heard her first, and thank God he did. She was laid out on the floor beside her bed! Strangely, she was laid out with her head at the foot of the bed. She said she fell out of bed, but I don't think that was possible. Likely she got up and felt dizzy and fainted. Angels caught her and made sure she fell specifically between the small space between the bed and the bathroom wall, otherwise she could have majorly injured herself, similar to what happened to my dad on May 14, 2013, when he fell out of bed and suffered the cervical spinal injury that eventually led him to nursing home care.
My mother was sore, but no injuries, praise God. I was able to get her up and back into the bed. After a few Tylenol tablets, she went back to sleep and woke later in the morning feeling much better. Jonathan remained calm the whole time - he is amazing. He is truly the gift that his name personifies (gift of God). We both went back to sleep and awoke later to start our day.
To see my mother lying there of course brought back flashbacks of that faithful day back in 2013. Somewhat like the consecrated place I am with the Lord right now during this fast, I was endeavoring to give over my mornings to the Lord for quiet time. I had a real push inside me to make sure I got up early on the 14th of May to spend that time with him. In the midst of this quiet space, my mother's voice broke through, calling me to come downstairs. There was my dad, lodged between the bed and the wall, his leg burnt by the radiator, because he no longer had feeling in his extremities. From there was the start of a roller-coaster emotional trajectory that lasted from that point up until this past Sunday, before the fast.
In many ways, I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown, one that manifested in decisions and drinking and other behavior that took me away from where the Lord had been trying to take me prior to the event. Possibly, the seeds of this breakdown really started when I got connected to Kay. A lot of decisions I made in the wake of meeting and connecting with him were totally not of the Lord, but of my flesh, and I reaped the consequences. My dad's fall simply ignited what would be 5 of the most tumultuous years of my life. I sense the enemy was trying to get me off track again with my mom's fall today.
Father God, I know you are moving me back in step with you and your plans for my life and Jonathan's life. The enemy hates it. He wants me sitting every evening on the couch, downing wine and vodka gimlets, drowning out my worries and indecisiveness, keeping me discouraged and hopeless, with no direction or plan to get out.
However, this time, I'm not gonna fall for his tricks. I'm standing strong in the might of Jesus, and know that this is only the beginning of great days for my life and Jonathan's. Falling into step with you, Lord, is perfectly timed for this season of my life. I will not be derailed.
Yesterday, I watched a YouTube interview of TD Jakes about his book, SOAR with Steven Furtick of Elevation Church. The book addresses how to make your dream of a business, non-profit, whatever it is you feel called to do, come to pass in your life. It was fascinating and I learned a lot.
I'm seeing now that my idea for a non-profit that is funded through editing/proofreading work can happen. Father, you have massaged this idea and sculpted it into a bit of a different form from what I originally envisioned. Originally, it was purely a non-profit to route money to individuals in long-term Christian Service and providing a place of respite for them when they had sabbatical time.
Now I see that my gift of writing, editing, proofreading can be used to fund the foundation and be a place where I can share about the different organizations that I currently support and maybe find out about others who need a forum. Maybe providing specific help for missionaries and Christian workers who want to write devotionals, pamphlets, or books that highlight their experiences in the field.
Father, I need your wisdom and direction. I want this to work and to be prosperous. I would like to be able to give 80% of what is donated and live off of 20%. How do you make that happen? Please make it happen.
I need wisdom, Father, about a name, marketing, Web site, business cards, pricing. Enable me to develop a clear business plan. Show me where I can get start-up funding, if needed. Pour out your favor so that I get clients and am able to do a good work for them. Keep me accountable. Steer me the direction of mentors. Help me, Lord.
Above all, if this is not of you, than make that very clear to me. I want to do what You want me to do. Let me not get offtrack.
I'm depending on You alone. You alone, Father...
My mother was sore, but no injuries, praise God. I was able to get her up and back into the bed. After a few Tylenol tablets, she went back to sleep and woke later in the morning feeling much better. Jonathan remained calm the whole time - he is amazing. He is truly the gift that his name personifies (gift of God). We both went back to sleep and awoke later to start our day.
To see my mother lying there of course brought back flashbacks of that faithful day back in 2013. Somewhat like the consecrated place I am with the Lord right now during this fast, I was endeavoring to give over my mornings to the Lord for quiet time. I had a real push inside me to make sure I got up early on the 14th of May to spend that time with him. In the midst of this quiet space, my mother's voice broke through, calling me to come downstairs. There was my dad, lodged between the bed and the wall, his leg burnt by the radiator, because he no longer had feeling in his extremities. From there was the start of a roller-coaster emotional trajectory that lasted from that point up until this past Sunday, before the fast.
In many ways, I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown, one that manifested in decisions and drinking and other behavior that took me away from where the Lord had been trying to take me prior to the event. Possibly, the seeds of this breakdown really started when I got connected to Kay. A lot of decisions I made in the wake of meeting and connecting with him were totally not of the Lord, but of my flesh, and I reaped the consequences. My dad's fall simply ignited what would be 5 of the most tumultuous years of my life. I sense the enemy was trying to get me off track again with my mom's fall today.
Father God, I know you are moving me back in step with you and your plans for my life and Jonathan's life. The enemy hates it. He wants me sitting every evening on the couch, downing wine and vodka gimlets, drowning out my worries and indecisiveness, keeping me discouraged and hopeless, with no direction or plan to get out.
However, this time, I'm not gonna fall for his tricks. I'm standing strong in the might of Jesus, and know that this is only the beginning of great days for my life and Jonathan's. Falling into step with you, Lord, is perfectly timed for this season of my life. I will not be derailed.
Yesterday, I watched a YouTube interview of TD Jakes about his book, SOAR with Steven Furtick of Elevation Church. The book addresses how to make your dream of a business, non-profit, whatever it is you feel called to do, come to pass in your life. It was fascinating and I learned a lot.
I'm seeing now that my idea for a non-profit that is funded through editing/proofreading work can happen. Father, you have massaged this idea and sculpted it into a bit of a different form from what I originally envisioned. Originally, it was purely a non-profit to route money to individuals in long-term Christian Service and providing a place of respite for them when they had sabbatical time.
Now I see that my gift of writing, editing, proofreading can be used to fund the foundation and be a place where I can share about the different organizations that I currently support and maybe find out about others who need a forum. Maybe providing specific help for missionaries and Christian workers who want to write devotionals, pamphlets, or books that highlight their experiences in the field.
Father, I need your wisdom and direction. I want this to work and to be prosperous. I would like to be able to give 80% of what is donated and live off of 20%. How do you make that happen? Please make it happen.
I need wisdom, Father, about a name, marketing, Web site, business cards, pricing. Enable me to develop a clear business plan. Show me where I can get start-up funding, if needed. Pour out your favor so that I get clients and am able to do a good work for them. Keep me accountable. Steer me the direction of mentors. Help me, Lord.
Above all, if this is not of you, than make that very clear to me. I want to do what You want me to do. Let me not get offtrack.
I'm depending on You alone. You alone, Father...
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Going to the next level
"Present my heart to the Lord and let Him heal it and not act crazy when He's scalping and fixing it."
The above quote is from an amazing teaching from the Prophet, Jennifer Eivaz: "The Heart of an Intercessor".
In it she talks about there being a next level for us where things are going to be restored and recovered, but not until we allow the Lord to do a healing in us. This spoke to me, for I know that I've not allowed Him to complete this kind of surgical healing in my life for all these 7-10 years. I've resorted to alcohol, medicating on TV, rage, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, isolation, bitterness, and controlling others.
There is a grace - and I stand it, and believe my Father is working on my behalf in response to it - yet, I still need to be healed from the inside out.
Father God - move the Holy Spirit to work a work of complete healing inside me - inside my heart. It has gotten so hard. I've found it difficult to empathize with others and their difficulties - even their pain, such as my mother and my father - their aches and pains - their complaints. Jonathan and situations he encounters socially. People dealing with financial issues like my sister-in-law, or emotional trauma, like Lolita, or Brandon when he was still living, Anthony and Alex, and many others. I find myself irritated by them rather than having a heart of love and care toward them. I receive the forgiveness that awaits me for all these trespasses, in the mighty name of Jesus. I thank you Father, for it. Heal my heart. Grant me a new heart of softness - one that displays the fruit of the Holy Spirit: Kindness, Gentleness, Love, Godliness, Self-Control. Keep me from bitterness and foulness of thought, action and words. May the meditation of my heart and the words from my mouth be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Enable me to pray for others rather than complain about them - to hold bitterness toward them. When I see myself rolling my eyes in response to a person's name, I know for sure that there is unforgiveness there. I still hold anger and resentment toward Kay. There is anger toward my dad because I don't believe he's done all he can to really get stronger so he's not bound to a wheelchair. There's anger toward my mother's bloodline and the fact that out of all her siblings, she's the one that had to be struck with memory issues. There's anger that I'm stuck caring for my parents - why couldn't they be self-sufficient like Ike and Jean or Joan and Sam.
Heal my heart, Lord, of this bitterness and anger towards these individuals. I pray blessings over their lives - that you pour out your love upon them. That they be strengthened by You, that You prosper them in every way. I've felt that Kay doesn't deserve more than what he has - that he really doesn't deserve what he has. That he's not a real man or a real husband or a real father. I've compared him to others on a regular basis and made sure that he always falls short. I resent that he's Jonathan's dad and the fact that he doesn't spend time with him and then I also rejoice in the fact that Jonathan doesn't really have a relationship with him, because of my dislike of his character and my perceptions of him as a person. I come now in the mighty name of Jesus and utterly destroy each and everyone of these foul thoughts toward Kay. I command now, in the name of Jesus, untold blessings of health, prosperity and wholeness in Kay's life. I declare and decree in the mighty name of Jesus that Kay is walking in a renewed, empowered relationship with Jesus Christ and that the outflow of this relationship will be restoration and strengthening of all of his family and work relationships and that he is stepping into a love affair with you like he has never before experienced in his life. Father, this is my prayer for my dad, as well...for my mother...for Lolita...for Tawana...for April...for Frank...for Anthony Chiles...for my nephew, Anthony...for Alex...for Maria...for Yoan...for Michael...for Abril...for all those dear to me, in the mighty name of Jesus.
I asked you earlier today to pour out a blessing in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that we would not be able to contain it. This is my prayer for each person mentioned above. As you heal them and bless them, continue to do your surgical, precise healing in me. I need it. I can't continue living without it.
In the name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN.
The above quote is from an amazing teaching from the Prophet, Jennifer Eivaz: "The Heart of an Intercessor".
In it she talks about there being a next level for us where things are going to be restored and recovered, but not until we allow the Lord to do a healing in us. This spoke to me, for I know that I've not allowed Him to complete this kind of surgical healing in my life for all these 7-10 years. I've resorted to alcohol, medicating on TV, rage, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, isolation, bitterness, and controlling others.
There is a grace - and I stand it, and believe my Father is working on my behalf in response to it - yet, I still need to be healed from the inside out.
Father God - move the Holy Spirit to work a work of complete healing inside me - inside my heart. It has gotten so hard. I've found it difficult to empathize with others and their difficulties - even their pain, such as my mother and my father - their aches and pains - their complaints. Jonathan and situations he encounters socially. People dealing with financial issues like my sister-in-law, or emotional trauma, like Lolita, or Brandon when he was still living, Anthony and Alex, and many others. I find myself irritated by them rather than having a heart of love and care toward them. I receive the forgiveness that awaits me for all these trespasses, in the mighty name of Jesus. I thank you Father, for it. Heal my heart. Grant me a new heart of softness - one that displays the fruit of the Holy Spirit: Kindness, Gentleness, Love, Godliness, Self-Control. Keep me from bitterness and foulness of thought, action and words. May the meditation of my heart and the words from my mouth be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Enable me to pray for others rather than complain about them - to hold bitterness toward them. When I see myself rolling my eyes in response to a person's name, I know for sure that there is unforgiveness there. I still hold anger and resentment toward Kay. There is anger toward my dad because I don't believe he's done all he can to really get stronger so he's not bound to a wheelchair. There's anger toward my mother's bloodline and the fact that out of all her siblings, she's the one that had to be struck with memory issues. There's anger that I'm stuck caring for my parents - why couldn't they be self-sufficient like Ike and Jean or Joan and Sam.
Heal my heart, Lord, of this bitterness and anger towards these individuals. I pray blessings over their lives - that you pour out your love upon them. That they be strengthened by You, that You prosper them in every way. I've felt that Kay doesn't deserve more than what he has - that he really doesn't deserve what he has. That he's not a real man or a real husband or a real father. I've compared him to others on a regular basis and made sure that he always falls short. I resent that he's Jonathan's dad and the fact that he doesn't spend time with him and then I also rejoice in the fact that Jonathan doesn't really have a relationship with him, because of my dislike of his character and my perceptions of him as a person. I come now in the mighty name of Jesus and utterly destroy each and everyone of these foul thoughts toward Kay. I command now, in the name of Jesus, untold blessings of health, prosperity and wholeness in Kay's life. I declare and decree in the mighty name of Jesus that Kay is walking in a renewed, empowered relationship with Jesus Christ and that the outflow of this relationship will be restoration and strengthening of all of his family and work relationships and that he is stepping into a love affair with you like he has never before experienced in his life. Father, this is my prayer for my dad, as well...for my mother...for Lolita...for Tawana...for April...for Frank...for Anthony Chiles...for my nephew, Anthony...for Alex...for Maria...for Yoan...for Michael...for Abril...for all those dear to me, in the mighty name of Jesus.
I asked you earlier today to pour out a blessing in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that we would not be able to contain it. This is my prayer for each person mentioned above. As you heal them and bless them, continue to do your surgical, precise healing in me. I need it. I can't continue living without it.
In the name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN.
21-Day Fast - Day 4 - Elixir
Venting is healthy. Not so much in the cursing, foul way that I do on the regular through my mouth - *sigh* - but simply having an avenue to express myself is a great relief. Why I stayed away from this blog for so long, I don't know.
Today I had another cursing, I'm sick and tired of this bulls*&^%t, session after getting yet another request for money from my sister-in-law. It's not so much the request. I want to help - it's a blessing to help. My specific spiritual gift is giving - particularly financial gifts. It's just that it feels like all I'm doing is giving and sowing and giving and sowing, but a tangible overflow back to me hasn't manifested itself. For me overflow is not necessarily a financial reward, but it would be maybe pipes not bursting or possums and squirrels not tearing up the house - cars not breaking down - roofs not requiring repair - a viable job that fits the pressing, personal responsibilities that I have - a job that I enjoy, that's flexible with good pay and benefits -- better - an answer to my truest desire: a Godly husband who says, "Don't worry about working outside the home. I got this!"
The reality is that I am blessed. I'm not in need or want. Things aren't perfect but nothing is perfect this side of heaven. However, it's pretty close to perfect. Everything we could possibly need we have and much more. EVERYTHING. I should have NO complaint whatsoever. In many ways, I still manifest the attitude of the son who stayed with the father while his prodigal brother went off with his inheritance and wasted it all on women and wine. I'm not always able to see HOW BLESSED I AM ALREADY and all that my Father has made available to me. It's a trick of satan and I fall for it all the time.
Why is it so hard to focus on what is already good in our lives? Why should giving someone money when they're in need cause me to be angry at God for not doing the "extra" that I want Him to do in my life. I'm able to give, even though my funds are low, because I don't have excessive rent, my mother is paying all of the utilities, my main expenses are groceries, car payment, gas, garbage pick-up, car insurance, tithes, offerings, hair, and recreation for me and Jonathan. I don't need much to live on. Kay's $500 per month goes a long way to help, as well. I could definitely get more for Jonathan, but it's enough. It's enough.
Father, help me to always see that I AM BLESSED and I AM BLESSED to BE A BLESSING. Whether abased or abounding, I need to be content, just like the Apostle Paul. We have our health, shelter, clothes on our back. Enough money to live on, to save and to give away. No, I'm not making 100K+ per year. Even when I did make that kind of money, I still felt like I didn't have enough! It's all perspective. I don't want to have a miser complex. I want to always be ready and willing to help someone when they are in need.
In any case, along with the fast, I was hoping to sow a single unemployment check (gross) in the month of January, which would be $677. I've given into the Haiti trip for our church- that was $100 and I plan to send my oldest friend's son, who is a college student, $100, and I've just sent my sister-in-law $500, so that covers that $677 seed, with a little extra on top.
My sweet, S. African friend Winsome, who I met in Paris (our friendship journey will require a whole post altogether) has been facing a lot of hardship over the past few years, which we thought was on its way to being remedied on her return to China for an ESL teaching assignment. The initial assignment did not work out as planned and she was in dire straits trying to find accommodations and another job. She was on the brink of giving up and going back to S. Africa. The Lord moved me to declare His word over her life - His promises - and to encourage her to believe for BIG things and that she would not have to go back to S. Africa. Two days later, she emails news of a great assignment, with great pay, and a travel and housing stipend, doing the kind of teaching she really wanted to do, smack dab in the middle of Beijing.
My sister-in-law's request today felt that much more sour because once again I saw the Lord move quickly in response to my intercession for someone else, yet my specific prayers remained unanswered.
However, I'm reminded now how Winsome always makes sure to attach a prayer request with her seed - whether a tithe or offering. I haven't done that. Over the past 6 months, the Lord has poured out a lot of financial seed through me into the lives of people around me. If I count all the seed of the past 20 years, it would be more than I could measure. He has flowed through me mightily to bless others.
Father, today, I'm bringing each and every offering back to your attention, particularly that which was given out in the past few months and in previous periods of my life, like while in Paris in 2014, when money was very low, but you still purposed for me to bless others with financial offerings.
Please see fit to POUR OUT A BLESSING in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that there be not room enough to receive it (Malachi 3:10). Fulfill this promise in my life and this one, as well:
Father, I'm asking based on the grace that You're able to grant me by Jesus alone. Even my giving is by Jesus alone, not myself. So, reward His faithfulness in my life. Open the doors of heaven. Give me and Jonathan a suddenly blessing - cause us to shout out loud that you are a God who HEARS and who ANSWERS His children.
In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN!
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 3 - Aesthetically Pleasing
My prayer requests for this year and this fast includes Jonathan's acceptance into an all-boys Christian School located in Princeton called Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart. I discovered the school in a central jersey mag last summer while getting an oil change on my car. I had never heard of the school before and was fascinated with its mission, vision and focus on shaping the hearts and minds of young boys into young men. The school spoke to me and seemed to be a perfect fit for Jonathan, who has had some difficulties socially at his public school, though he is excelling academically.
I attended an open house in November, but arrived late and had to leave early due to Jonathan's Christmas Play rehearsal. I plan to attend another, shorter open house/seminar next Thursday. I hope to get some questions answered related to funding to attend, cause Lord knows I do not have the money right now to pay for the school and would require a substantial scholarship. This is where I need the favor of you, Father God, to move expediently on Jonathan's behalf... to first enable him to be accepted and then for all the funding required to be made available - every year that he attends, which I am believing for till 8th grade.
One of the highlights of the school is it's beautiful library:
It's even more beautiful in person. Just stunning.
It's a serene learning space that I would have loved to spend time reading in and exploring when I was Jonathan's age. We both are all about aesthetics. He's enchanted with the building and once he's living and breathing the vision of the school, I know in my heart that he will thrive there and obtain the tools to walk out what the You have envisioned for his life - what You, Father, have purposed him to become.
Speaking of aesthetics, I find that it feeds a lot of what brings me peace and comfort. I loved working at Brio Point, not just because of the job itself and working for Laurie, but in large part because of the calm and beautiful office setting. I still can't shake that expanse of windows next to my desk and even my desk itself - a large, draft-like table made of frosted glass. All day Adele music or Adele-like music flowed through the air and most of the time I was in the office alone. I gladly commuted there daily on sometimes congested 287 knowing that a place of peace was at the end of my journey.
The way a building feels and looks - how neat and clean - how much light bounces through and from it - the furnishings - the paint colors - all of that sings to me, either like a chorus of angels, if everything is done right, like the Brio Point office in Bedminister - or clangs, clangs, clangs like a loud, obnoxious gong, like - well, a friend's church building in Branchburg, as an example. The building exterior is unkempt as is the inside. The children's area a mess and the banquet area, well, a bit worn for the wear. It's dark and dank and just unappealing. The people there, however, are absolutely wonderful. And my friend and her husband are indeed very much relational, people-centric folks. They don't mind dust or a little clutter, crumbs on the floor or counter, things not just right - as long as there is joy, and laughter, and fellowship. So, for them, their church is awesome and when they visited Life Church, which is newer construction, and for me aesthetically beautiful in a post-modern, industrial way, it didn't resonate at all with them. I believe they felt the same level of love and warmth they receive at their church, but in an all out comparison, they were still trying to recruit me and Jonathan to attend where they go. No. I'll take the warm and loving fellowship that I receive at Life Church WITH great lighting, beautiful, open, spaces, and bathrooms that are very clean, spacious, and modern.
That's just me.
I have an interview for a job next week for an organization called Center for Supportive Schools. It's an awesome org that provides tools and programs that promote and encourage students to remain and excel in school, graduate and obtain post-secondary education, despite obstacles they might face in and outside the school. The programs assists students, school administrations and families and I would join the team as an Administrative and Finance Associate for an FDA funded Tobacco Inspection Program (focused on reducing the number of young adults purchasing tobacco products and starting to use them). I would love to get this job, Father, though, as related to you yesterday, not working outside the home would be my number one pick 😀. Nonetheless, I took a drive out to the offices today to make sure I could find the place and was overjoyed by the location and the buildings themselves. Yes, very, very aesthetically pleasing. It's located in a business park with Georgian style building, not cold corporate offices. A lot of places to stroll around and close to businesses in the Montgomery area. But what really made it special was just how close the office is to Princeton Academy and the location where I would like us to relocate, if possible: Hopewell, NJ. From Hopewell to the school is about 10 minutes and then about another 10 minutes from the school to the office. It would be perfect.
I just need to get the job, first. Then Jonathan accepted to the school.
Then funding for the school.
Then an affordable place to live in Hopewell, since the salary will be...
I don't even want to mention it.
It's incredibly meaningful work, though. And that's important. If the dream dream is still a bit off, then meaningful work in the interim is of utmost importance to me - salary be damned.
I'm counting on You, Father. With You all things are possible. I'm believing You will make a WAY!
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 2 - Anger Management
Lot's of handling other people's business for me today, which always, sadly, rubs me the wrong way - makes me anxious, agitated, irritated and simply foul. I constantly have to question if I am truly a child of the living God and Bible saved, due to the words that come out of my mouth, the grimace implanted on my face, the wicked thoughts in my head, and sometimes nasty things that I do to others. Today the negativity spilled out while rushing around to meet up with my dad at his urology appointment, sitting through the appointment with him and then running out to Macy's to get my mom make-up and hopefully getting back to Somerset in time to pick Jonathan up at the bus stop. Of course, on the way home from Macy's, I hit a traffic jam caused by, I believe, an accident (due to the firetrucks and EMT vehicles that whizzed by us - I pray that everyone was okay). I was livid. Just disgusted and voiced my disgust all the way from Macy's till I eventually got home.
My agitation was made that much more significant due to my pride getting the better of me. When I realized I wouldn't get to the bus stop by 3:25, I had to humble myself and call sweet Joanne, the grandmother of a young girl at our same bus stop, to see if she could take Jonathan home because I was delayed. She sweetly agreed to do so, even though Emma hadn't gone to school that day and was home sick. Ugh! I ABSOLUTELY HATE putting people out or asking for favors or asking for help, period. Yes, pride, pride, pride, pride. Though I really think it's rooted more in selfishness cause I hate having to do anyone else favors too - hence the agitation described above related to the stuff I needed to do for my parents today...stuff that I should count as a blessing because they are both here, living and breathing to Help! I should also have simply counted it a blessing to have Joanne to call and for her willingness to help. Yet, time and time again, my flesh and its self-centeredness gets the VERY BEST OF ME.
By the way: My outbursts were a complete waste of time. Why? Jonathan's bus broke down, so they were delayed leaving the school. When I got home, I noticed another neighbor's car was still at the bus stop, so I drove to it, and lo and behold, Joanne was sitting there with her husband, still waiting for Jonathan. I thanked her profusely and they went on their way while I sat another 10 minutes. The bus didn't arrive until almost 4 PM. Don't tell me our Father doesn't have a sense of humor...
Nonetheless, this pride/selfishness thing really is a burden. I sometimes believe that I simply lived too many years alone and spent quite a bit too much time even as a youngster alone. It made me incredibly self-sufficient, stingy with space and time, and self-centered. I've been on a 10 year scrubbing by the Lord to scrape all that off of me. I talked in my last post about the Lord having a specific purpose for me to move back to NJ. Right now I'm believing it simply was this scourging work that still hasn't been completed - heck, I'm not sure the first layer has been scrubbed off yet. I went from having at most discontent with my job and weight/self-image issues - oh, and not being in love/with a boyfriend/or married - as my primary issues in life, to getting knocked up outside of wedlock, caring for a child alone, than bearing primary responsibility for elderly parents, one with memory loss, and the other in nursing care due to mobility issues, and a rickety rackety old house that constantly requires repairs - on top of that, poor life decisions have me living paycheck to paycheck and essentially without any real plan in place to get up out of where I'm at so that everyone is in a much better place, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.
But maybe this was God's plan after all. To take me from a place of great self-sufficiency, where I didn't have to worry about anyone - where my parents were cool - I had no child to care for - and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted to a place where folks are depending on me and I would have to be forced to depend on others from time to time.
I HATE IT!!
And I'm not sure what this scourging will achieve in the long run. So far, I'm no more able to deal with these responsibilities than I was 7 years ago when they first started to rear their heads in my life. In fact, I feel even more out of control and vulnerable to breakdown and upset. I know the Lord is the answer. "Come ye all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you strength". Yes, I know this word and I know it's true, yet...yet...yet...
Today's devotion from Tim Cooper was about truly stepping into the grace of God for our lives. To ask for bold, big things that WE DO NOT DESERVE. Based on my poor behavior, my foul mouth, my anxious, fearful, dreadful thoughts, my discontent, my anger, my resentment, and every other ugly thing you can think of, I'm having a hard time imagining how I can believe God to give me the deep desires of my heart or for Him to speedily fulfill His word in my life.
However, that is grace: giving us way more than what we deserve. Mercy on the other hand is not taking me out based on what foul things I've done - and Lord knows He has given me MUCH mercy. But grace? Have I really, truly tapped into it?
I still find myself feeling unworthy to be granted anything good - and that of course my prayers haven't been answered because I don't know how to act right and mess up so much. What kind of woman of God are you, anyway? If people could see how you REALLY are?? For sure God does, so do you really think He wants to do anything good for you??!
Romans 5:8 -But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Hmm...yes, the word does say that. So, if our Father would be willing to give up His son to a horrifying death even while we were still sinners, why should I doubt that once saved He would not still grant me more of this grace:
Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
True dat😉.
Tim went on to say that we need to do as Paul encouraged the Hebrews:
Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
What do I need? No, what do I want that the Lord almighty knows I do not deserve?
Yesterday, I said I wouldn't write my current prayer requests in this blog, but heck, Tim has encouraged me to step it up, especially in light of how UNWORTHY I KNOW I AM. So here I go:
I don't want a job outside the home, Father. Grant me, by Jesus, marriage to a genuinely Godly man, not unlike Dave Meyer, who loves me as Christ loves the church, who is spirit-filled, a giver, handsome to me, healthy and in shape, wears glasses, and comes from a sane, neat, loving family, and who loves Jonathan as if he is his very own son - loves and cares for him VERY well - and is a great example of what it means to be a man of God striving for excellence in his walk with the Lord and his interactions with others. Grant us, by Jesus, a passionate, marriage that gets better over time, and enable us together to bring more Glory to you, Father, than either of us could ever manage alone. Enable and give me over to caring for this man, our home, our children and our parents as my primary vocation. Grant this to me in this calendar year, 2018. I already have the dress!
Open the door WIDE OPEN for Jonathan to be accepted to and to attend Princeton Academy, starting in September 2018, by Jesus.
Move my mother to agreement to sell this house and to move into assisted living and give us a buyer of this home who will pay top dollar, whether for redevelopment or to live. Make my mother's transition to assisted living one that is full of peace and not dread. Grant her comfort there, in the mighty name of Jesus! Enable all of this to take place before the end of the summer of 2018.
Bless us (Jonathan, my husband and I) with a lovely, warm, inviting home, on a big plot of beautiful land, but still near amenities, like parks and shopping, with a small town feel and a main street, good running routes for me, and kids to play with for Jonathan, and big enough to open up for ministry - such as small women's retreats or providing respite space for missionaries and others in long-term Christian service, a place where we can entertain indoors and out and that we can afford on my husband's salary alone. Make him a man of means, who prospers greatly in his vocation, so that we always have more than enough to live on, to save and to give away!
Fulfill the word you audibly spoke to me in August 2015, Father. This is between You and me. I heard you. I heard You clearly. I know it was You and I know You are able to do it.
I ask all these things, even in the wake of my actions, words and thoughts today - even only a few minutes ago when I had to help my mom find the make-up she misplaced that I just brought for her earlier today (yes, I was agitated and didn't go about helping her in a loving, sweet way - *sigh*) - in the mighty and precious name of Jesus Christ, by whom I can receive all things from the Father. Only BELIEVE and RECEIVE.
AMEN!
My agitation was made that much more significant due to my pride getting the better of me. When I realized I wouldn't get to the bus stop by 3:25, I had to humble myself and call sweet Joanne, the grandmother of a young girl at our same bus stop, to see if she could take Jonathan home because I was delayed. She sweetly agreed to do so, even though Emma hadn't gone to school that day and was home sick. Ugh! I ABSOLUTELY HATE putting people out or asking for favors or asking for help, period. Yes, pride, pride, pride, pride. Though I really think it's rooted more in selfishness cause I hate having to do anyone else favors too - hence the agitation described above related to the stuff I needed to do for my parents today...stuff that I should count as a blessing because they are both here, living and breathing to Help! I should also have simply counted it a blessing to have Joanne to call and for her willingness to help. Yet, time and time again, my flesh and its self-centeredness gets the VERY BEST OF ME.
By the way: My outbursts were a complete waste of time. Why? Jonathan's bus broke down, so they were delayed leaving the school. When I got home, I noticed another neighbor's car was still at the bus stop, so I drove to it, and lo and behold, Joanne was sitting there with her husband, still waiting for Jonathan. I thanked her profusely and they went on their way while I sat another 10 minutes. The bus didn't arrive until almost 4 PM. Don't tell me our Father doesn't have a sense of humor...
Nonetheless, this pride/selfishness thing really is a burden. I sometimes believe that I simply lived too many years alone and spent quite a bit too much time even as a youngster alone. It made me incredibly self-sufficient, stingy with space and time, and self-centered. I've been on a 10 year scrubbing by the Lord to scrape all that off of me. I talked in my last post about the Lord having a specific purpose for me to move back to NJ. Right now I'm believing it simply was this scourging work that still hasn't been completed - heck, I'm not sure the first layer has been scrubbed off yet. I went from having at most discontent with my job and weight/self-image issues - oh, and not being in love/with a boyfriend/or married - as my primary issues in life, to getting knocked up outside of wedlock, caring for a child alone, than bearing primary responsibility for elderly parents, one with memory loss, and the other in nursing care due to mobility issues, and a rickety rackety old house that constantly requires repairs - on top of that, poor life decisions have me living paycheck to paycheck and essentially without any real plan in place to get up out of where I'm at so that everyone is in a much better place, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.
But maybe this was God's plan after all. To take me from a place of great self-sufficiency, where I didn't have to worry about anyone - where my parents were cool - I had no child to care for - and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted to a place where folks are depending on me and I would have to be forced to depend on others from time to time.
I HATE IT!!
And I'm not sure what this scourging will achieve in the long run. So far, I'm no more able to deal with these responsibilities than I was 7 years ago when they first started to rear their heads in my life. In fact, I feel even more out of control and vulnerable to breakdown and upset. I know the Lord is the answer. "Come ye all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you strength". Yes, I know this word and I know it's true, yet...yet...yet...
Today's devotion from Tim Cooper was about truly stepping into the grace of God for our lives. To ask for bold, big things that WE DO NOT DESERVE. Based on my poor behavior, my foul mouth, my anxious, fearful, dreadful thoughts, my discontent, my anger, my resentment, and every other ugly thing you can think of, I'm having a hard time imagining how I can believe God to give me the deep desires of my heart or for Him to speedily fulfill His word in my life.
However, that is grace: giving us way more than what we deserve. Mercy on the other hand is not taking me out based on what foul things I've done - and Lord knows He has given me MUCH mercy. But grace? Have I really, truly tapped into it?
I still find myself feeling unworthy to be granted anything good - and that of course my prayers haven't been answered because I don't know how to act right and mess up so much. What kind of woman of God are you, anyway? If people could see how you REALLY are?? For sure God does, so do you really think He wants to do anything good for you??!
Romans 5:8 -But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Hmm...yes, the word does say that. So, if our Father would be willing to give up His son to a horrifying death even while we were still sinners, why should I doubt that once saved He would not still grant me more of this grace:
Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
True dat😉.
Tim went on to say that we need to do as Paul encouraged the Hebrews:
Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
What do I need? No, what do I want that the Lord almighty knows I do not deserve?
Yesterday, I said I wouldn't write my current prayer requests in this blog, but heck, Tim has encouraged me to step it up, especially in light of how UNWORTHY I KNOW I AM. So here I go:
I don't want a job outside the home, Father. Grant me, by Jesus, marriage to a genuinely Godly man, not unlike Dave Meyer, who loves me as Christ loves the church, who is spirit-filled, a giver, handsome to me, healthy and in shape, wears glasses, and comes from a sane, neat, loving family, and who loves Jonathan as if he is his very own son - loves and cares for him VERY well - and is a great example of what it means to be a man of God striving for excellence in his walk with the Lord and his interactions with others. Grant us, by Jesus, a passionate, marriage that gets better over time, and enable us together to bring more Glory to you, Father, than either of us could ever manage alone. Enable and give me over to caring for this man, our home, our children and our parents as my primary vocation. Grant this to me in this calendar year, 2018. I already have the dress!
Open the door WIDE OPEN for Jonathan to be accepted to and to attend Princeton Academy, starting in September 2018, by Jesus.
Move my mother to agreement to sell this house and to move into assisted living and give us a buyer of this home who will pay top dollar, whether for redevelopment or to live. Make my mother's transition to assisted living one that is full of peace and not dread. Grant her comfort there, in the mighty name of Jesus! Enable all of this to take place before the end of the summer of 2018.
Bless us (Jonathan, my husband and I) with a lovely, warm, inviting home, on a big plot of beautiful land, but still near amenities, like parks and shopping, with a small town feel and a main street, good running routes for me, and kids to play with for Jonathan, and big enough to open up for ministry - such as small women's retreats or providing respite space for missionaries and others in long-term Christian service, a place where we can entertain indoors and out and that we can afford on my husband's salary alone. Make him a man of means, who prospers greatly in his vocation, so that we always have more than enough to live on, to save and to give away!
Fulfill the word you audibly spoke to me in August 2015, Father. This is between You and me. I heard you. I heard You clearly. I know it was You and I know You are able to do it.
I ask all these things, even in the wake of my actions, words and thoughts today - even only a few minutes ago when I had to help my mom find the make-up she misplaced that I just brought for her earlier today (yes, I was agitated and didn't go about helping her in a loving, sweet way - *sigh*) - in the mighty and precious name of Jesus Christ, by whom I can receive all things from the Father. Only BELIEVE and RECEIVE.
AMEN!
Monday, January 8, 2018
21 Day Fast - Day 1
I didn't mention yesterday that Jonathan and I started attending a new church in Dayton, NJ after returning from Paris in 2015. It's a small, family-friendly, multi-cultural church formally called Abundant Life Church, but because there are so many Abundant Life Churches across the country and particularly in NJ, they changed the name to Life Church this year. And there is a lot of life and love in the church.
While in Paris, I looked into the church after a friend's brother mentioned visiting it in 2014. He said the congregation was so friendly and he was impressed by how the pastor and his wife remembered his name after only one visit. I checked out the Web site and listened to a couple of sermons. I was impressed by the teachings and even moreso by their commitment to missions and the community.
I knew I wanted Jonathan and I to find a smaller church where I would physically be in the same room with my pastor and his family on a weekly basis. Liquid Church was getting too big and I felt disconnected, despite my lovely group of ladies that were in my small group there and who I still connect with on a regular basis since leaving Liquid. Life Church offered us what I'd be longing to have in a church family. I've made great friends there and so has Jonathan and the children's ministry is wonderful. In addition, they have a great boy's ministry called Royal Rangers and I was able to get Jonathan into about a year earlier than normal (at age 5 rather than 6). It's like a Christian Boy's Scout and is led by a wonderful, dedicated man of God, who has been mentoring and leading the troop since the 80s. Royal Rangers might be the best thing about Life Church. For a young boy who does not have regular contact with his father, it's a huge HUGE blessing.
They also support a missionary in Haiti and have been doing so for over 20 years and send a team there every January to minister and simply meet with the families, teachers and the many children that the missionary, Ed Lockett, blesses through his sacrifice and calling to the area. I haven't gone on a trip yet. When it comes to short term missions, I prefer to have something tangible to do, like construction, medical service, etc.. The team typically goes around and visits with families and schools - bringing supplies and money and fellowshipping. A lot of time is spent just being with the children from the community that Ed blesses in his home. I'm not much of a sit around and just fellowship kind of person and really don't love spending a lot of time with kids that aren't Jonathan, so.... Nonetheless, when Jonathan is of age, I believe I will make the Haiti trip with him and hopefully will do other more service-oriented short term missions trips with him before he's a teenager.
Anyway, that's all the back story to the fast that the church actually started yesterday but I'm starting today. I needed to get rid of the last of the alcohol in the house last night😇, which I gladly did, and do a final night of watching my law & order re-runs and simply vegging out in front of the tv until 1 am in the morning.
So today marks the first time in years that I'm giving over myself to quiet and rest in Jesus. I am desperate to find a place of peace that doesn't require a cocktail or wine or mindless TV watching.
I'm not sure if I have any specific prayer requests. I know it's important to lay out before the Lord your specific needs before a fast. It's just that I feel I have so many and at the same time, not really any of true importance.
I talked with Him last week about simply wanting Him to lead and direct and that I'm done trying to figure stuff out. So maybe that's the primary need I want Him to fulfill during this fast: Removing my mind and hands off my life and the lives of those around me. So far He's been doing an outstanding job with Jonathan, despite all the ways I mess up, through action, word and thought. Jonathan is articulate, polite, sanguine, jolly, funny, smart and - well - the love of my life. He's also prone to angry outbursts (usually Kindle induced), stubbornness, disobedience (why can't he follow simple instructions?!) and boy can he be loud and sometimes TOO talkative! But I love all of it - frustrated by some of it - but grateful for all that he is and how the Lord is shaping him into the man he is purposed to become.
I no longer want to figure out what my career should be, where we should or should not live, how to care for this house, how to care for my parents, whether or not we sell this house and my mom go into assistant living, whether or not I have enough money, where Jonathan goes to school - nothing. I want to be completely beholden to the Lord God Almighty and led by Him. I want Him to download daily, moment by moment instructions and then enable me to carry them out. I want to be free of me and let Him do what He said He would do for me if I seek Him and believe that He exists: Richly reward me - richly reward Jonathan.
Do I still have dreams? Yes, yes I do. I mainly want Him to fulfill those words spoken to me over these past five years - whether audibly or through scripture, sermons, devotions. I won't write them here. It's between me and Him. Probably a few of the older ones are documented in earlier entries (2014 and earlier). There is one in particular that was quite specific, audibly given to me in 2015, but has yet to come to pass, and if it does or should i say, when it does, would be quite a miracle and testimony of His power and grace in my life.
Other dreams have died. I don't plan on trying to pull them back into this life. Maybe they'll be manifest in Jonathan's life. I don't know.
Quite a few dreams have been fulfilled: AmeriCorps VISTA, living abroad, running a marathon, bearing a son. It is these fulfilled dreams that enable me to believe that even what seems impossible can be made possible by the power of my living, breathing, wonderful Father in Heaven.
So, what I want for this fast I suppose distills down to having more of the Father - not running away from Him again. And it's a request that the enemy has fought to keep from me for most of my life but particularly these almost 10 years since making the decision to move back to NJ in Christmas 2008.
That was a God-ordained decision and I believe in it were to be blessings untold. And maybe in all the sadness and loss and regret, save Jonathan's birth and my dad's survival after that devastating fall, His calling back to NJ was manifest. Yet, I believe there was much, much, much more that He had for me here that those pivotal moments in my life sort of derailed (getting re-involved with Kay in 2011 after Jonathan's birth and then possibly, I believe now, suffering a bit of a nervous breakdown after my dad's fall and the myriad of changes and responsibilities and sometimes, yes, burdens, laid on me in the wake of it). I've been floundering - not really able to get a firm footing - and then simply giving over myself to what was an easy way to handle it all: booze and more booze - more and more as the years progressed.
I went for my run today after almost a week of not being able to get out there since the arctic burst and blizzard. It was cold but wonderful. I thank God for the gift of running. It is one of the things I hold onto, along with the many dreams He has fulfilled in my life, that tells me that in the midst of all my sin and forsaking Him, He is the giver of good things to His children.
He gave me Jonathan out of a poor decision of sexual sin on my part with a married man...
He brought me home to NJ to be there for my mother when my father's injury occurred, though I originally had other plans for my life in NJ and post NJ; ulterior motives so to speak...
He blessed me with a renewed relationship with my brother after my return to NJ - a few years to get to know one another as adults before the Lord decided to take Him home and away from the pain and angst he suffered for most of his life...
He gifted me with a love of Paris and quality time spent there, learning the city and being all that I am, without shame, and doing so with Jonathan...
He gave me running and released me from the burden of excess weight - reversing the curse of menopause, renewing my youth, and invigorating my life...
I still have a ways to go. He's working on me. bit by bit.
So I suppose what I most need, Father, is for You to make this fast a way to accelerate moving me back to that original purpose You had when you ordained that I come back to NJ. Open doors and lead me rightly, equip and enable me to walk it out. And move me to readily stand in the authority granted to me by Christ to withstand the angry darts of the enemy. He doesn't want me to move into what You've had for me - waiting for me - since 2008. He doesn't want it because He knows that within it is something - many things - that will bring you tremendous glory and me tremendous joy, satisfaction, peace and FULFILLMENT - here on earth - not out somewhere in the future by and by. Here and now - starting here and now.
Have your way o Lord.
While in Paris, I looked into the church after a friend's brother mentioned visiting it in 2014. He said the congregation was so friendly and he was impressed by how the pastor and his wife remembered his name after only one visit. I checked out the Web site and listened to a couple of sermons. I was impressed by the teachings and even moreso by their commitment to missions and the community.
I knew I wanted Jonathan and I to find a smaller church where I would physically be in the same room with my pastor and his family on a weekly basis. Liquid Church was getting too big and I felt disconnected, despite my lovely group of ladies that were in my small group there and who I still connect with on a regular basis since leaving Liquid. Life Church offered us what I'd be longing to have in a church family. I've made great friends there and so has Jonathan and the children's ministry is wonderful. In addition, they have a great boy's ministry called Royal Rangers and I was able to get Jonathan into about a year earlier than normal (at age 5 rather than 6). It's like a Christian Boy's Scout and is led by a wonderful, dedicated man of God, who has been mentoring and leading the troop since the 80s. Royal Rangers might be the best thing about Life Church. For a young boy who does not have regular contact with his father, it's a huge HUGE blessing.
They also support a missionary in Haiti and have been doing so for over 20 years and send a team there every January to minister and simply meet with the families, teachers and the many children that the missionary, Ed Lockett, blesses through his sacrifice and calling to the area. I haven't gone on a trip yet. When it comes to short term missions, I prefer to have something tangible to do, like construction, medical service, etc.. The team typically goes around and visits with families and schools - bringing supplies and money and fellowshipping. A lot of time is spent just being with the children from the community that Ed blesses in his home. I'm not much of a sit around and just fellowship kind of person and really don't love spending a lot of time with kids that aren't Jonathan, so.... Nonetheless, when Jonathan is of age, I believe I will make the Haiti trip with him and hopefully will do other more service-oriented short term missions trips with him before he's a teenager.
Anyway, that's all the back story to the fast that the church actually started yesterday but I'm starting today. I needed to get rid of the last of the alcohol in the house last night😇, which I gladly did, and do a final night of watching my law & order re-runs and simply vegging out in front of the tv until 1 am in the morning.
So today marks the first time in years that I'm giving over myself to quiet and rest in Jesus. I am desperate to find a place of peace that doesn't require a cocktail or wine or mindless TV watching.
I'm not sure if I have any specific prayer requests. I know it's important to lay out before the Lord your specific needs before a fast. It's just that I feel I have so many and at the same time, not really any of true importance.
I talked with Him last week about simply wanting Him to lead and direct and that I'm done trying to figure stuff out. So maybe that's the primary need I want Him to fulfill during this fast: Removing my mind and hands off my life and the lives of those around me. So far He's been doing an outstanding job with Jonathan, despite all the ways I mess up, through action, word and thought. Jonathan is articulate, polite, sanguine, jolly, funny, smart and - well - the love of my life. He's also prone to angry outbursts (usually Kindle induced), stubbornness, disobedience (why can't he follow simple instructions?!) and boy can he be loud and sometimes TOO talkative! But I love all of it - frustrated by some of it - but grateful for all that he is and how the Lord is shaping him into the man he is purposed to become.
I no longer want to figure out what my career should be, where we should or should not live, how to care for this house, how to care for my parents, whether or not we sell this house and my mom go into assistant living, whether or not I have enough money, where Jonathan goes to school - nothing. I want to be completely beholden to the Lord God Almighty and led by Him. I want Him to download daily, moment by moment instructions and then enable me to carry them out. I want to be free of me and let Him do what He said He would do for me if I seek Him and believe that He exists: Richly reward me - richly reward Jonathan.
Do I still have dreams? Yes, yes I do. I mainly want Him to fulfill those words spoken to me over these past five years - whether audibly or through scripture, sermons, devotions. I won't write them here. It's between me and Him. Probably a few of the older ones are documented in earlier entries (2014 and earlier). There is one in particular that was quite specific, audibly given to me in 2015, but has yet to come to pass, and if it does or should i say, when it does, would be quite a miracle and testimony of His power and grace in my life.
Other dreams have died. I don't plan on trying to pull them back into this life. Maybe they'll be manifest in Jonathan's life. I don't know.
Quite a few dreams have been fulfilled: AmeriCorps VISTA, living abroad, running a marathon, bearing a son. It is these fulfilled dreams that enable me to believe that even what seems impossible can be made possible by the power of my living, breathing, wonderful Father in Heaven.
So, what I want for this fast I suppose distills down to having more of the Father - not running away from Him again. And it's a request that the enemy has fought to keep from me for most of my life but particularly these almost 10 years since making the decision to move back to NJ in Christmas 2008.
That was a God-ordained decision and I believe in it were to be blessings untold. And maybe in all the sadness and loss and regret, save Jonathan's birth and my dad's survival after that devastating fall, His calling back to NJ was manifest. Yet, I believe there was much, much, much more that He had for me here that those pivotal moments in my life sort of derailed (getting re-involved with Kay in 2011 after Jonathan's birth and then possibly, I believe now, suffering a bit of a nervous breakdown after my dad's fall and the myriad of changes and responsibilities and sometimes, yes, burdens, laid on me in the wake of it). I've been floundering - not really able to get a firm footing - and then simply giving over myself to what was an easy way to handle it all: booze and more booze - more and more as the years progressed.
I went for my run today after almost a week of not being able to get out there since the arctic burst and blizzard. It was cold but wonderful. I thank God for the gift of running. It is one of the things I hold onto, along with the many dreams He has fulfilled in my life, that tells me that in the midst of all my sin and forsaking Him, He is the giver of good things to His children.
He gave me Jonathan out of a poor decision of sexual sin on my part with a married man...
He brought me home to NJ to be there for my mother when my father's injury occurred, though I originally had other plans for my life in NJ and post NJ; ulterior motives so to speak...
He blessed me with a renewed relationship with my brother after my return to NJ - a few years to get to know one another as adults before the Lord decided to take Him home and away from the pain and angst he suffered for most of his life...
He gifted me with a love of Paris and quality time spent there, learning the city and being all that I am, without shame, and doing so with Jonathan...
He gave me running and released me from the burden of excess weight - reversing the curse of menopause, renewing my youth, and invigorating my life...
I still have a ways to go. He's working on me. bit by bit.
So I suppose what I most need, Father, is for You to make this fast a way to accelerate moving me back to that original purpose You had when you ordained that I come back to NJ. Open doors and lead me rightly, equip and enable me to walk it out. And move me to readily stand in the authority granted to me by Christ to withstand the angry darts of the enemy. He doesn't want me to move into what You've had for me - waiting for me - since 2008. He doesn't want it because He knows that within it is something - many things - that will bring you tremendous glory and me tremendous joy, satisfaction, peace and FULFILLMENT - here on earth - not out somewhere in the future by and by. Here and now - starting here and now.
Have your way o Lord.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
I'm back...
It seems appropriate to post a picture of the Eiffel Tower in this, my first post since May 2014 - a few months before my fateful journey with Jonathan to live in the city of lights and pursue what ended up being an aborted attempt at an MBA.
Our travails are described in the Paris...really? blog, so no need to go into them here. Needless to say, we returned in January 2015. I was jobless for a few months and then got a gig at Labyrinth Books in Princeton. Hated it. Ended up later in the year as a Firm Administrator at a small accounting firm based in Bedminster that I really enjoyed. We worked out of a lovely, light-filled office, windows across the whole side of the space, a group of "Designing Women" huddled above us on the top floor. My boss was a pretty, astute, incredibly talented half-Mexican accountant who had pulled herself out of poverty and teenage pregnancy in the Los Angeles area, to a self-paid undergraduate and graduate degree in accounting, becoming a CPA and then starting her own business on the East Coast - in a loving relationship with a talented engineer and contractor from Peru, both raising a beautiful little girl together in this awesome home in Piscataway. I made $14 and hour and enjoyed every minute of the job and learned a lot. In addition, I almost, due to my several years of not really making any money after leaving IBM, moved into a brand new low-income, three story townhome apartment in GREATEST school district, Montgomery New Jersey, before getting an email from a couple of old IBM colleagues about a Project Manager contract job with Intuit Inc. I applied, interviewed and got the gig. I went from $14 an hour to $57 an hour within a couple of weeks. Strangely enough, when I told my accountant boss that I would be leaving for this contract gig, she informed me that she too was interviewing for CFO jobs and actually ended up getting an assistant CFO job at a design firm in Princeton about a month after I left. She closed up shop and left the light-filled office behind for a more stable 9-5 gig and the opportunity to add another child to the family (which they did in September 2017 - a beautiful little boy).
So, here I was - back in IT, making good money, working with a lot of my old IBM chums. Even pulled my oldest IBM buddy into the company via a contract gig (he had been among the many laid off in 2013 after I resigned in January of that year - thus missing out on what has been reported to be a very nice exit package...). His contract ended like mine, but he's going back in a couple of weeks for another 18 months, and I hope and pray, an eventual permanent gig.
As for me and Intuit? Well, as usual, I didn't really enjoy the work. Loved the people I was working with, but came to the end of the contract knowing that I was THROUGH with IT project management. I mean, listen, I'm almost once again going to have a probation year with my PMP certification because I don't have enough professional development units. I need 45 by March! That speaks enough to my disenchantment with the profession and lack of passion for it.
And yet, I'm at another impasse. What do I do with the rest of my life?
I can say that the Intuit job and working from home again was a particular blessing - and not just the great money. How? Well, the Lord opened the door for me in July 2017 to join a fitness club called Kinetics, in Highland Park, NJ. It was life changing. I did a 21-Day Little Black Dress challenge. I had already signed up earlier in the year to run the Paris Marathon in April 2017 - one month before my 50th birthday. This was done to put some traction of my dream to run a marathon before I turned 50. Kinetics put me on track to fulfill that goal. I lost 10 lbs during the challenge and started running again in September, and hard core training in October.
The Eiffel Tower picture above was taken about a week after the marathon in April 2017. Yes, I ran it, on Sunday, April 9, 2017 - on a sunny, unexpectedly warm day in Paris, France. It was the return trip I had hungered for after the debacle of our first journey there. The journey didn't lack drama, however.
I had rented a lovely apartment in the 4th eme only to not be able to use the key to open the lock. We tried for about 30 minutes with no luck. So, I had to run around to find another place to stay on short notice. The Lord blessed us with a beautiful hotel in the 1st eme, near the Louvre, with a wonderful and loving staff. All in all it worked out for the best.
I also fell ill the week before the race and was unable to do any running after that Monday before we left. I had hives, severe chest congestion and then got my period, 5 days early! So, I ran under the weather, with a full-on menstrual cycle flowing, coughing the whole way! God is good. I finished and RAN THE FULL 26.2 miles! I finished in 6 hours 17 minutes. It was magical.
I had only done two half-marathons in the month before the race. I'd never gotten to run at least 18 to 20 miles so my body took a beating. I could barely move after the race. And the following day I got sick again and lost my voice. So the week after was a bit slow going, but Paris was still lovely. Jonathan and I had such a beautiful time.
We went to all our old haunts, celebrated good Friday at the Sacre Couer, met up with Darryl Morris (my first boyfriend) in London on Easter, spent two AWESOME days at Paris Disney, connected with a sweet Belgium friend, Sadie, in the 19th and simply spent several wonderful days in our old home town of the 19th, visiting Jonathan's school and seeing all of the beautiful teachers and staff who worked there.
Oh, let me not forget - the Lord blessed me with former ISM schoolmate, Missy Strong, who watched Jonathan during the race and who was there when I fainted on the subway AFTER the race. Yes, fainted. Like I said, I didn't do the hard hard training I should have before the race nor did I eat enough sugar/get glucose during the race, so my body responded accordingly. Praise God He got me back up and the worst that I experienced after were the body aches and that respiratory infection that took my voice for a few days.
All in all, I ended up losing close to 50 lbs, but put back on about 8, which I needed to - I'd gotten too skinny. However, I'm back to my fighting weight and I am a legitimate runner now. I LOVE IT!! My next marathon is the NJ Marathon at the beginning of May 2018. I plan to do one every year until the Lord brings me home to Him.
So, it's been an eventful 4 years almost (and there are lots of other things I haven't brought up, but will discuss in later posts) -- but as I stated above, I'm still at a sort of impasse. Been searching for a new gig since leaving Intuit. Nothing firm has come up. My desire to work in the non-profit realm has resurfaced, so I've focused my search there. I also have a strong desire to be in the Princeton area so that Jonathan and I can move there and he can attend this amazing all boys, Christian school called Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart. It seems built just for him. I know he would thrive there.
Of course, there's still my mom and dad to think of. More about them later...
Anyway, I'm returning to this blog because today marks what I'm hoping to be the true 2nd half of my life. In all that has been great in the past year, vestiges of the pain of my life over the past 10 years or so, especially since 2013 have continued to plague me. There has been great personal loss as well - including my brother Brandon, who passed in July 2017 and our sweet family friend, Norman Bailey, who passed in June and April's mom, who passed in September (more about these individuals in later posts). More and more loss along with the many things still not restored that were lost, broken or stolen in previous years.
My solution thus far: I've medicated more than necessary on alcohol, using that as my elixir more than the true elixir Jesus. That ends today.
Our church starts a church wide fast today - from now until 1/27/2018. Strangely enough, if you add up 1+7+2+-+1+8 it equals 9, which is the biblical number for fruit of the spirit...divine completeness from the Father. Adding 1+2+7+2+0+1+8 equals 1, which means unity and new beginnings.
So, I'm believing that God has ordained today as the completion of several years of a mix of not so good stuff (too much) with a bit of the good (to which He deserves praise - for both) and for the unleashing of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life, as well as the lives of all those participating in the fast, and that by the end, we will be firmly rooted in the new beginning that God has for us going forward, in unity of mind, heart and spirit in HIM.
I'm declaring that this is the year for great, suddenly blessings, restoration of things lost, stolen and broken, and fulfillment of long-held dreams and promises spoken to me by the Lord!
I've been away too long. It's time for me to return to his blog and record what I believe to be life-changing events in my life and Jonathan's life in this year and beyond - above what I could ever hoped or imagined -GOOD THINGS - just as our Father promised in Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."
I -AM - EXPECTANT!!
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