Remote...Remote...wherever you are - Come Out Come Out - wherever you are!

I have to get a job working from home.

That's it.

Period.

I can no longer do this commute to Hamilton. I want time in the morning to run or go to yoga. I need flexibility to handle care of my parents and Jonathan. I want to sleep in a little later.  I enjoy my team and the work is okay - but I really do not like it. I want an administrative role that requires some tracking and troubleshooting, writing and collaboration.  So, not so much IT project management, but coordination and management of pieces that enable the whole ship to run smoothly. I need to do it without distraction and small talk. I'm too tempted to do that or to sit back and let others do it.

Father, a job just popped up on Glassdoor with a growing, international recruiting and executive placement firm called WilsonHCG.  The job is a Talent Acquistition Coordinator.  The skills required fall right down my alley. It's more HR-related so a bit of a learning curve there, but I love the idea of working for a company whose focus is placing the right person in the right job for mutual satisfaction and contribution by BOTH parties - the employee and employer. I believe I can actually experience that for myself at WilsonHCG.  They celebrate a virtual working environment and the flexibility that it affords. They see that sometimes the best person for a job isn't living in their city.  I see autonomy in this job and trust from my employers in my ability to get things done! 

Father, I applied to the job so I ask that you lay your merciful hand upon me and open this door for an interview and an offer of employment...that they might even see me for a larger role with more pay.  Please, just make a way for me to join this company. Not by my will, but of course, Your perfect will be done.

In Jesus' name, AMEN!!!

Uggghh!!

Okay- it's been March since I last posted.  Spring, Summer and almost Fall have passed.  We just celebrated Thanksgiving. Jonathan is THRIVING at PASH.  I'm enjoying him there, but man, it can be demanding, homework-wise and in terms of the amount of communication, and the number of events and volunteer opportunities that you feel pressed to participate in - especially because we were blessed with such a huge financial package. On top of that, I met with Headmaster Rik Dugan and spilt that I traveled to Paris last year for the Marathon AND that we lived there btwn 2014-2015.  Not sure how that will look for me this go around with getting financial assistance.  Our first go in Paris was possible cause I gutted my retirement. The 2nd time cause I was making a nice penny at my temp gig at Intuit, and not really doing what is proper savings wise. I had never intended to send Jonathan to private school. This is purely a God thing. He put PASH in my focus and opened door after door for him to get there.  As I see it, He will keep the door open and make it possible for us to get the funds we need for Jonathan to continue attending...I hope.

Other stuff:  Well, Mrs. Lee found out through my dad (on a visit to someone else at Parker McCarrick - now Parker Somerset) that we wanted to sell the home. Mrs. Lee and her husband were the former owners of my neighborhood Dari Delite ice-cream parlor. A place that has been behind our home since we moved here in 1972. They owned it for 30+ years and just sold it to a nice Muslim family.  Well, she's been trying to convince Isa, the new owner, to move closer to the parlor, since it's open late hours and would help with his commute.  He has a wife and three young children.  Once she found out we were selling, she told Isa. He came to look with the Lee's and then with his wife, youngest child, a sweet little girl, and his dad (who is the actually money man in the family). He gave us an offer the next day and we accepted.  The Lee's counseled from experience since they also ended up moving nearby - a house down from us - about 25 years ago.  Anyway, today the home inspector came and it went well. Isa's taking it as is, which is an answer to prayer - as is my doing a direct sell by owner to a buyer, without a realtor and the associated commission fee.  God is good. He truly worked things out for us.  The closing is 1/5/19.

Another blessing is that Jonathan and I have been timely approved - or we're believing all the verifications of income and investments, etc. will be fine so we are approved - for that moderate income apartment complex in Skillman - the one we almost got into in 2016 but had to walk away from cause I got the high-paying Intuit gig. This time w'ere not on the side I originally got (street side). We'll be facing the parking lot. Worst - it's not brand spanking new, where we're the first ones in it.  Royally PISSES ME OFF.  Beggars can't be choosers, but I'm still pissed off that we could have been in a beautiful, brand new apartment for the past two years.  However, maybe if we were, I wouldn't have gotten the financial package cause I wouldn't of had as moving a story for Jonathan's application to PASH.  I don't know. Overall it's a blessing - but the pissed-offness sullies it a bit.

And basically that's what this blog post is about. Yes, blessings upon blessings.  Gratitude upon Gratitude. Thankfulness, Thankfulness.  I want to be the Joyce Meyer she is today who laughs at inconveniences and trials. But I'm not there yet. Prayerfully, I'll get there. But right now my main issue is my mother and the fact that she can seemingly no longer do these things for herself:

Clean-up her bathroom
Shower herself
Dress herself without putting on the same outfit every day
Stop herself from soaking dirty underwear or washcloths in the sink


UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!  I HATE ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!! JUST ABSOLUTELY DESPISE THEM!!

I don't have an issue with driving her around, making sure she's fed, making sure she gets her hair did handling her bills - especially since we've been living rent free since September - and I guess I shouldn't have a problem with all the rest because of that very reason in expensive-ass NJ.  I'm a supposed child of God, saved and washed by the blood, so I should have compassion and mercy on my mom.  She can't help that she can't do any of those things anymore. BUT I DON'T CARE. I'm sorry.  Maybe there is something egregiously wrong with me. Just evilly wrong with me. But I just wish she could still wash her own ass and remember to do it on a regular basis. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE HER SHOWERS! AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE TO DO IT, EITHER, CAUSE HOW FRIGGING DEHUMANIZING IS THAT FOR HER!! 

To be honest, what I hate most is that she has to deal with any of that and that we have to deal with it with her!  WHY THE HELL HER AND MY  DAD!!  He shouldn't have had to deal with it either if he were here at home.  What a frigging burden that would have been for him after dealing with all her countless illnesses and surgeries these past 20 years.  He's better off where he is, to be honest. And of course he isn't.

WHY DID THEY GET HAND SELECTED TO HAVE SUCH SHITTY YEARS in their elder years.  We have all these people around us thriving. Driving, traveling, going to the theater, going out for lunch, shopping - enjoying their senior years.  But no - 2013 was the shittiest year on earth for all of us and it hasn't gotten any better - save for Jonathan. And I guess that's just the way it's supposed to be. We're passing on and he's moving up into the calling the Lord has for him.

So, my mom will get into assisted living-memory care and I can only pray she does okay.  She can barely do anything on her own for her daily care. She puts on her makeup, does remember her teeth  -sometimes - does remember her hair - and remembers to dress - though usually the same outfit for several days in a row. She remembers to wash her sheets. Great.  FATHER CAN YOU HELP HER TO REMEMBER MORE - LIKE - get in the shower a few days a week and wash your body!!

I FRIGGIN HATE DEMENTIA.I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!!  Please Lord God almighty, give me my dad's brain. Period. Just make sure I did not get his insane ish that is consuming my mother's mind and stealing her last years. Why decent women like her and Mrs. Chiles had to be attacked, I don't know.  JUST HORRIBLE!! But horrible for me, too, cause I AM TRAPPED into continuing to oversee and  care for two ADULTS and I have no desire to do so. I want to live my life with Jonathan. Why couldn't they  have just gotten old together and died of regular issues, while still living on their own on the outside?

Oh, and on top of all that, my dad has a diagnosis of cancer in his ureter and associated issues with Kidney function.  We don't find out what will be done treatment wise until December 7.  In the meantime, we're praying and believing for HEALING!!  I have a word that my father would live until at least 93.  So that's 11 more years on earth.  God, you can do it!!

Anyway, I thought venting here would help. It hasn't. I still feel shitty and still hate my shitty situation.

It is what it is.  If you, Father, could help to alleviate this pressure by bringing me the financial help I need, that would be a HUGE help. I need at least 10000 if not 15000. I need these funds to flow into my life before the end of November. I need you to move on my behalf in a miraculous fashion. And please don't seek my perfection, in either word, action, or thought. It's not gonna happen. I'm asking based on Jesus who I believe died for me and lives for me and lives to intercede for me.  Answer my request by Jesus alone so that it is He who gets all the glory, honor and praise!!  I need these funds. Father so much burden will fall off me so that my mind can be more clear to do what I need for all these people around me.  Please hear and act. Please hear and Act.  PLEASE HEAR AND ACT!!

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Matthew 27:46 (NKJV)

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”


These final words from Jesus have become particularly significant to me in recent years.  There have been many times when I have felt that God was missing in action, had forgotten me, that maybe - maybe he really didn't like me that much.  The words, "Do you hate me God?!" have escaped from my lips more times than I would like to admit.  My prayers appeared to be hitting a brick wall.  I've felt utterly alone.  Despondent and discouraged, my faith in Him whittling with each unanswered prayer.

Interestingly, though, I was not aware until I started to write down what I wanted to say about these words did I discover that King David had made the exact utterance to God in a Psalm - Psalm 22:1 to be exact:

Psalm 22:1 (NIV)

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?

In this Psalm, David put into beautiful and powerful language the degree of his  upset about God's seeming absence in his time of great need...in his time of fear and anxiousness...in his time of persecution and danger.  Where was this great God that he revered - this God who enabled him to slay the mighty Goliath.  Where was God when he needed him most.

I identified with David.  His words resonated with me.

However, like David, what has kept me from completely abandoning my God...what enables me to remain hopeful that ultimately, ultimately He will come through for me, is that He continuously brings to remembrance what He has done for me in the past.  In the midst of his crying out to God, David managed to give Him praise for the myriad of ways that He had shown up for David and the nation of Israel.  David's Psalm reminded me that that the words of Jesus are true:  He will never leave us or forsake us.

I can believe this because for one moment in time, our great Lord and Savior, the altogether lovely one, our Wonderful Counselor, and Prince of Peace - for one moment in time, this promise - that God would never leave us or forsake us, was not true for him.  For one moment in time - for David's sake, for my sake, for the sake of the whole world - Jesus was utterly, completely, and absolutely cutoff from the Father.  Our sin upon Him, his Abba Father, His daddy, had to turn his back upon Him.  

And in this, we can realize the extent of Jesus' sacrifice for us.  He was cut off so that we can be assured that even in our darkest hour, God is with us.  We might walk away -- we might forget -- we might doubt.  But this eternal promise remains:

“I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!” 
(Heb 13:5 AMP)

JONATHAN IS A MEMBER OF THE 2025 CLASS OF PRINCETON ACADEMY!!!

I'm still stunned. In a state of shock.  Awed by the mercy and power of our Living Father God!  Thankful beyond Thankful for His favor and grace and outpouring of love towards Jonathan in extending him this gift - opening this door.  I feel this is in God's plan for Jonathan's life.  That He steered me to open that magazine last year, focused my eyes on the article about Princeton Academy and quickened my heart to apply, knowing that He had already established a place for Jonathan there.  In the 11th hour, I was asked to give information about Kay and that shook me. I was sure it would disqualify me from any real aid, considering his income. However, I was honest about our relationship and how Jonathan came into the world in the way that he did and that in the wake of his birth, there hasn't been much direct parenting from Kay.  They were so compassionate.  They understood. And they didn't consider my foolish financial decisions over the past few years and my underemployment.  They didn't because it was not God's plan for them to do so.  If ever I have felt that I am truly His child through Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, I felt it yesterday.  And I still feel it now.  This was a soul changing blessing.  My heart is so full.  My cup overflows.  

THANK YOU JESUS!! PRAISE YOU LORD GOD IN THE HIGHEST!!!!

March 16, 2018

Dear Kim,

I am delighted to inform you that Jonathan’s application for admission to Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart has been approved and we enthusiastically invite him to join the Princeton Academy Class of 2025. The Admission Committee is confident that Jonathan will be a successful student and that he will also strive to achieve the high standards expected of Princeton Academy students.

The offer of admission brings with it our commitment to support Jonathan in all aspects of his education and personal development. It also carries important expectations of him in that we ask all members of our school community to do their best to be productive students and honorable and compassionate stewards of our school and the Sacred Heart goals upon which we are founded. We hope you will join us in providing Jonathan a learning experience which challenges his potential and is sensitive to his individual needs. We know the formative educational experience and preparation he will receive at Princeton Academy will serve him well in the years to come.

Sweet, hardworking, and bright, Jonathan is clearly a full participant in his surroundings. We know that our boy-centered program is the place to encourage his curiosity and inspire his intellect and imagination. We also know that our attention to individual student growth combined with our program structure and hands-on engagement will serve Jonathan well as he progresses toward a consistently focused learner. Much is in store for Jonathan and we look forward to seeing his growth in our Grade 2 and beyond. We also look forward to partnering with you to best support Jonathan in his development.

We will also be forwarding Jonathan a letter and certificate to welcome him to Princeton Academy. These should arrive in the mail shortly. A separate email follows this one with instructions regarding the enrollment process and access to the online enrollment portal. Please read the instructions carefully and contact me with any questions that arise. Along with the necessary forms to secure enrollment, the enrollment portal also provides access to the 2018-2019 School Calendar as well as events this spring for newly enrolled families. 

We look forward to having Jonathan as a student in our school and we are eager to also welcome your family to our school community. Should questions remain unanswered as you plan for Jonathan’s educational future, please note that we will be hosting a reception for parents of accepted students on Tuesday, April 3 at 6:30 p.m. at the home of one of our current Princeton families. A formal invitation will be sent to you soon with more details.

Warmest Regards,

Jennifer B. Sheppard
Director of Admission

March 19, 2018

Dear Kim,

Thank you for completing the enrollment process for Jonathan for the 2018-2019 school year. We look forward to having him grow and thrive at Princeton Academy as a member of the 2nd grade next year. This email is to serve as your confirmation of Jonathan's enrollment for the 2018-2019 school year. A copy of your enrollment contract is available in your enrollment portal account for your reference.

At Princeton Academy, we care deeply about each of our young men. We are dedicated to creating a learning environment where our boys can grow with open hearts and open minds. Our mission is to develop young men with active and creative minds, a sense of understanding and compassion for others, and the courage to act on their beliefs. We educate and develop the whole boy in body, mind and spirit through devotion to our Sacred Heart Goals and to our Learning Principles for Boys. We seek to lead a national reinvention of boys education for a new generation of enlightened men. I know that together we will make this vision a reality.

Thank you for entrusting the education of Jonathan to our talented and committed team of faculty and staff at Princeton Academy. In partnership together, we are devoted to bringing out the best in your son.


Inspired,
Alfred (Rik) F. Dugan III
Headmaster

Things are looking up

Spring is almost here with all it's newness of life and promise of better days.

We just suffered a major snowstorm.  Downed trees, people without power for days.  It was a woozy.

Yes, I am ready for spring.

Last week, I think, was the darkest week I've experienced so far - even worst than that last, crazy post from 2/2/18.  I was without any hope. Despondent, irritated, angry, frustrated and just feeling so trapped by life and my present circumstances.

The hopefulness associated with spring was no where to be found.  I just wanted a way of escape.

In the midst of this depression, a Joseph Prince devotion reminded me that it is good to give God the praise in all circumstances, even when it seems He is not working on your behalf.  He is.  It may feel so much like He isn't. But He is.

He will never leave me or forsake me. He understands.  I have to trust Him.

Reading those words of encouragement helped a lot.  My sister in Christ Tena prayed for me, too, after I sent her this rant of a text message about how awful my life is right now.

Sister Sue Evans gifted me with tickets to see Mercy Me yesterday.  And the youth group was also going and seeing it from Infiniti suite seats at Prudential Center.  So, her brother-in-law, who leads the youth ministry and Jonathan's Royal Rangers, Jeff Evans, got us tickets in the same suite.  And oh was it sweet! AND the show was fantastic.

This too helped to move me closer to the light and hopefulness of spring.

I'm feeling like a leaf is turning.  Finally - FINALLY - Ms. Smith provided her recommendation for Jonathan's application to Princeton Academy.  We will hear by Wednesday if he has been accepted.

He is accepted.

Jonathan stood on the kitchen table tonight and called out to God to lift him up and I believe our Father heard that prayer and I agreed with Jonathan, so where two or three agree, He hears and He acts.

Jonathan is a student at Princeton Academy.

Jonathan shall be a graduate of Princeton Academy.

Oh, and I also got a job.  

I started on 2/20.  You wold think that would be reason to lift my mood. But it wasn't.

It's a scheduling assistant position - though I think I'm gonna change it to scheduling coordinator - at a new law firm, Davis & Brusca, LLC.  We are in Lawrence Township and eventually Hamilton and hopefully, permanently in Pennington.

Two primary attorneys, an associate, a paralegal, a legal secretary and myself. They're a cool group of peeps. I enjoy working with them.

I interviewed in Dec for the gig and thought I might get it then. I liked the flexible hours and the girls I interviewed with. But they gave it to another gal who lived closer with more experience.

She didn't last a month. Said she was overwhelmed.

After my first week, I totally understood and was about to quit myself.  However, I felt a quickening by the Holy Spirit to stay.  To see it out for at least 6 months to a year.

I'm now in my 4th week, and it gets better and better with each week. It's a complicated job. I have to email, be on phones (which I don't like), write deposition notices, schedule deps, mediations, client meetings, confirm all this stuff, reschedule most of it. I'm busy the whole time I'm there.

I'm learning a lot and I feel like I'm making a difference. Making it easier for the team.

So, I'm sticking with it and we'll see in a year.  I hope I get a nice bonus at years end:-).

The commute.  Bearable cause I make my own hours.  Probably will be about 27 a week. I can get my runs in before I go.

Once Jonathan is in Princeton Academy, it will be the same, if we can move to Montgomery, like I'm hoping.

And there's the other news.  There are vacancies in the low income apartments that we originally planned to move to in 2016.  I'm gonna apply again.

Walking distance away is a retirement community where my mother can be in assisted living/memory care and my father in long-term care - and they accept Medicare.  And it's beautiful.

Not sure they want Black folks. However, I serve a mighty God. He'll get us over that hump.

So, I'm believing and decreeing that we'll be living in Montgomery before fall 2018.  That my mom will be at Stonebridge. That they'll help us sell the home and the items my parents own they no longer need and that in due time my father will also join my mom at Stonebridge.

Finally, the big big news:  Parker McCarrick plans to take my dad's wheelchair. He'll be using a walker!  Praise God!! This is an answer to prayer.  I knew he would eventually not need that chair - not sure he really needed it after leaving Kessler, but I'm not gonna worry bout that. I just know that God is moving and answering prayers. So yes - YES - Spring is in the air and...

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP!!!

21-Day Fast - Day 15: Giving over all

The sermon from Pastor Scott yesterday was so powerful.  It was a life-shift kind of sermon.  I felt as if I came face to face with my destiny and if I did not make a decision to move forward as he was directing us, by the Spirit of God, I would never find my way completely out of the despair and stagnation that has been my life these past few years.

His text focus was the story of Joseph, but particularly the manner in which Joseph dealt with all of the delays and unfair treatment that he experienced over a course of 13 years between the Father giving him the dream of his future and achievement or manifestation of that dream.

He was hated by his brothers, almost left for dead by those same brothers, but then, due to a change of heart, sold by those brothers into slavery.

He was then unjustly accused by his slave owner's wife of molestation and thrown into jail.

While in jail, he helped two prisoners, enabling one to be set free, only to be forgotten once that prisoner returned to civilian life.

Ultimately, the Lord brought about the realization of that dream - prospered Joseph mightily and allowed reconciliation with the brothers who had so cruelly abandoned & hated him years before.

Through it all, Joseph remained committed to his Father and committed to living a life of diligence, calm, and poise.

And he never complained.

Not once.  And the word says that throughout all of the trials, Joseph found favor with God and was a successful man.

Even as a slave, he was the top slave.

In jail he was the top prisoner.

And finally as a free man, he was second in command to Pharaoh.  Just amazing!

Our Pastor noted that what is central to all of this is that Joseph displayed a spirit of giving over all to the Father.  He never solicited for any more than what was right before him. He clearly lived a life led by the Father and dependent on God alone.  Nary a pleading, begging prayer for anything that HE WANTED came from his lips. He was fully surrendered and as a result he was a blessed man - one able to love others, serve others, and forgive others, without hesitation.

I've spent most of my life begging, pleading, grumbling, complaining.  There's been very little, if any surrendering.

I know of one distinct time when I did surrender:  El Paso Texas, December 1996.  I came truly to the very end of myself.  In utter despair, emotionally spent, lonely, depressed, sad and hopeless.  I had no one but the Father.

He had me exactly where He needed me to be.

I left El Paso utterly broken, but within a month, the Lord had given me what I'd be striving for all those previous months:  Not one, but three job offers.

Thus, I know first hand that the surrendered life is the life He desires for all His children.  Yet, why is it so hard?

Well, after yesterday's sermon, already feeling almost as despairing as I did in 1996 - the excitement of my impossible dream of buying that dream house on 43 S Middlebush starting to wain - I found myself at the alter - pouring out my heart, tears soaking my face, and I gave all of it to Him.

A job

Being a parent to Jonathan

Being a caregiver to my parents

Staying in this house

Moving from this house

Buying a new home

43 S Middlebush

Renovating a home

Jonathan's schooling

Getting married

God fulfilling his word to me

My tongue

My behavior

My thoughts

Everything

It's all back in the Father's hands, where it should be.

Later at church, two elders prayed over me about work.  I no longer see this CSS job as a good fit.  It's not for me. I don't want it.  I sensed Labyrinth Books and the claustrophobic nature of that job all over CSS, and I want no part of it - no matter how nice the team might be.  The elders prayed for the Father to place me in the job best for me - at a salary that is appropriate - and that His favor remain on me to be selected - even found by my future employer.  That is what I am standing on now. I'm no longer looking. I plan to respond to inquiries only.

And by the goodness of God, I indeed did get an inquiry today from a contracting firm for a 12-month contract assignment! The description sounds like a great fit and it's in Bedminster - a location that I like - and it seems possible that this could be a work from home job.  I'm not gonna shake my head at contract jobs anymore.  My Father can convert the job to permanent - if not that one, than another. There will no longer be gaps in my employment. I decree and declare that right now!  In fact, this job will not require an extensive interview.  It pays well, it allows for work at home, and it is mine!

Indeed, this is a new season of believing and thanksgiving!  The pleading and begging are over.  I plan to walk in the rights and privileges of being a daughter of the most High God, my El Shadai - God Almighty - my Jehovah Nissi - Whose banner is over me - my Jehovah Shalom, Whose peace comforts and keeps me.  He is doing great things in my life and in Jonathan's life and all those who are near and dear to me. I can see it. I am so thankful for it.

You indeed are the GREAT I AM!  All praises to You in the Highest!  Thank you for Your Son Jesus, through whom I can come BOLDLY to the THRONE of GRACE to receive MERCY & GRACE in my time of need!

Hallelujah - AMEN!!

21-Day Fast - Day 12: Job Interview and new home...

In 2016, right after I started my contract job with Intuit, a home in a section of Somerset that I really love came on the market.  I walked around it with Jonathan and then had my trusty realtor, Pat Pilat, who's been working with me to find a home (since 2010!) bring me in to do a walk-through. It was a 1860's era home with a lot of the original details, but in pretty good condition. One issue was that the main bathroom had a weirdly placed shower and all of the ceilings were low, low. I mean, like, Jonathan would probably curse me out as a 6 ft+ teenager kind of low!  I put an offer on it anyway and we kept negotiating. Got them down to $175000. I pushed for $165000 and they went with another seller.

I still regret losing that house.  In reality, I likely would not have been able to make payments in the wake of me not finding a job since the Intuit contract ended.  Nonetheless, I continued to covet the potential of another home, on the same block, going on the market.

With this new desire for Jonathan to attend Princeton Academy and the possibility that I would be working in Princeton, as well, my hunger for a house in that location started to peak again.  I decided to do a realtor.com search on homes in Somerset for sale 200000 and under.  A house on that block popped up. I checked out the pictures. Another 1800 era home with original details. Large backyard, three car garage, beautiful treed lot.  I was enchanted. Next day, I drove to the house with mom and walked around it and peeked in windows. Fell more in love. Called Pat. We got in to see it later that day.  Jonathan and I were smitten.

This is our home.

Today, however, I took a closer look at the listing and the house has a lot of hidden problems.  So much character, but a shaky foundation that will need major repairs, wet basement will need new sump pump, new roof is required on the garage and new windows, as well...some new windows on the house, possibly an underground oil tank that has contaminated the soil, so that will need drying out and sealing - and then well inspected to insure all is okay there...

So all that plus cosmetic stuff that needs to be done.  Sigh. In the past, I would have just given up. In fact, I don't even have a job, so do I really believe I can get a mortgage? And it would need to be a 203K mortgage at that.  Stop being in dreamland, Kim!  Really - just stop!

I won't. I can't. 

We're smitten. There's a main floor bedroom for my mom. Only one bath, but it's set up how I love - bath tub on one side, toilet and sink on the other.  Beautiful wide plank pine floors, a gorgeous fireplace, dedicated dining room, kitchen that can easily be updated, a big bedroom for Jonathan with a window seat - walk up attic for storage and CENTRAL AIR!  A future possibility to fit a bath on top floor.  And above all, a three car garage that I can easily see as the retreat center space I've been believing for...

Another request I've added to my list, Father :-)

So, today was the job interview with Center for Supportive Schools and I believe it went well.  A panel interview in front of 6 members of the team.  I felt the Lord's hedge of protection and His peace throughout the interview. They're a fun bunch - collegial and I can see myself as a good fit.  I had to take an excel test at the end that I pretty much bombed. However, if it be your will, Father, I know You can enable me to be an EXCELLENT contributor to the team and organization.  Now only to figure out how - I - not a morning person, can transform my schedule to be up early for work and work out later in the day  - run later in the day - or - do more short runs during the week in the wee hours of the morning and long runs on the weekends and yoga at night - probably Hot Yoga on Mondays but not with Marcus (boo hoo).

So do I really want this job after all???

In truth - I still want to work full time from home.  Yet, none of the jobs I've applied to will allow that. I know that I'll be able to eventually work from home with CSS, at least once a week, but...I would still need to get Jonathan to school and then log on for a bit and then leave to do yoga! Will they allow that?  They did with Intuit, which I LOVED!  But CSS?  Father, this is my request:  To be able to work from home on Wednesdays and have the freedom to step away from 8:30-10:30 for yoga.  Will they agree to that?

In any case, stuff is sorta falling into place.  Reality - what I still long for is marriage to a man who would not require that I work from home AND getting that beautiful home AND a man who is able to actually do a lot of the work - a contractor. 

Big Ask, huh, Father?

Well, You are able to accomplish, to do, to make happen - THE IMPOSSIBLE. I'm throwing quite a few at you! If You can raise Christ from the dead, I know You can work all this out in our favor.

I'm a believer  - in YOU ALONE!!

I receive it all, in the mighty, precious name of J-E-S-U-S!!!!

21-Day Fast - Day 10 - Say it...Do it...Receive it...Tell it!

I've been reading my Kenneth E. Hagin pamphlets again.  I came upon them back at the end of 2016.  I would carry one with me to my cocktail time at the Heldrich Hotel. They blessed me and were great reading along with my vodka gimlets and hot wings or fries  By February of 2017, I was done with the Heldrich and discovered I could make my own cocktails at home.  I suppose that wasn't a good thing.  I spent almost every evening from February 2017 to the start of this fast inebriated in some fashion, either via a couple of cocktails or a few glasses of wine. Praise God again for using this fast to deliver me from that bondage.

I knew that Pastor Hagin wrote a few pamphlets related to walking in love.  It turns out it was his son that wrote them - Kenneth W. Hagin.  One is called Faith Worketh by Love. It was eye-opening, considering my current revelation of how much I do not walk in love. 

The pamphlet points out that if you are believing for something and have great faith that it will come to pass, it really doesn't measure up to much if you're not walking in love - preferring others, being kind and considerate - living out 1 Corinthians 13.

One particular scripture from that chapter resonates with me:  "Love does not seek after its own".  I see now that a lot of my discontent is related to me seeking after my own peace of mind, my own comfort, my own happiness.  I haven't achieved any of those things, however. Just more bitterness, resentment, impatience, anger and discouragement.

Father, you are working on my heart. I believe it's changing.  And I'm moving forward with the belief that I AM CHANGED! 

Another teaching by Kenneth E. Hagin is You Can Have What You Say.  He outlines four steps to follow that will utterly change your life if you practice them:

1. Say it (as if it has already happened)
2. Do it (as if you already have it)
3. Receive it (with thanksgiving and praise)
4. Tell it (pronounce your testimony with gladness)

What spoke to me about these steps is that it's not limited to material things, but also, and more importantly, spiritual things.  

For example, I can literally say "I walk in Love" and then just start walking in love!

I can say "I walk in the fruit of the spirit" and allow kindness to flow through me.

I can say "The spirit of complaint is not part of me" and mediate on what is possible and good.

And on and on, such as...

I can say "Whatever is lovely, praiseworthy, honorable and of good report - I think on and say these things."

I can say "I do not frustrate Jonathan, but raise him up in the way that he should go."

I can say "I am as one who brings him (my spouse) comfort." and "My husband loves me as Christ loves the church and lives with me in understanding" and "I am a suitable help meet for a Godly, Christ-centered man who God says should not be alone."

And yes, material things as well, such as...

"We live in a spacious house, on a large lot, near springs and brooks, and a downtown that's walkable, with children Jonathan can play with, and where we can bless others through retreats, pot lucks, Bible Studies, playtime."

"Our family is prosperous - in health and wealth - and we have more than enough to live on, give away and save."

The Sky is the Limit!

I'm endeavoring to believe this way.  I know that when I have in the past, the Lord has worked miracle after miracle for me.  

I thank you, Father, that you are opening my heart and mind to truths that will take me to the next stage of my life - a stage that has been prepared for me and Jonathan for such a time as this.  As the blessings unfold, You will receive all the honor and praise due to You, for You are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED AND HIGHLY LIFTED UP!

Father, my declarations of belief extend to my family and friends, so that no one is lacking and their needs are being met by Christ Jesus our Lord. So that Jonathan finds favor with You and man, and walks out your specific purpose for his life, so that those in ministry like Miracle and Tena fulfill the fullness of your call on their lives, so that those who are sick are made well, by the stripes of Jesus.

This is the year of great and unexpected, suddenly blessings!  Keep me ever expectant that You will work wonders in our lives!

21-Day Fast - Day 7 - Weary

I am tired. Very very tired, so don't have much to say today.

I had a long talk with you last night, Father. About the dearth of genuine kindness in my life.  My seeming inability to display it naturally.  When I do, it seems forced, fake.  What comes naturally is irritation and being perturbed by people and situations. 

What I know is that only by the Holy Spirit are we able to display the fruit of the Spirit - goodness, gentleness, Godliness, love, self-control, kindness.

So, I clearly need much much more of the Holy Spirit.

Your word says how much more of the Holy Spirit will you give to those who ask.

I'm asking.

Give.

I need so much more of Him in my life so I can effectively, authentically be kind, be gentle, be good, be self-controlled, be loving.

Give, Father. Shaken down and pressed together. 

Give.

21-Day Fast - Day 6 - Jonathan's input

Jonathan at the Jardin Du Luxumberg in Paris France, April 2017

I neglected to include Jonathan's prayer requests during this 21-Day fast with our church.  He's fasting his Kindle, which is a HUGE sacrifice on his part, but I believe will be richly rewarded by our Father.  

So, here we go - what Jonathan hopes the Lord will bring to pass as a result of his fast:

1. This is not a request, but more a statement of gratitude:  Thanks for Mr. Norman and all that he did for us when things weren't right.
2. Bless us with a new house.
3. Bless mommy with a new job.

That's it :-).

I have some stuff to say about Mr. Norman, who has been heavy on my heart today.  I'll post about it later.

Caretaking - Part II

I didn't really address the topic of this morning's post.  It was supposed to be about care taking, particularly that of my mother.  My dad - well, he's pretty much self-sufficient and is getting great care in the nursing home. I don't believe that I provide the level of attention to him that I should - don't visit enough, check up enough, call enough - really don't call at all, he usually calls me.  However, my behavior toward him is rooted in more long-term stuff...general uneasiness and awkwardness with him that has existed all of my life. Even now at 50, I have a hard time transcending it - and I know that I should.  I moved  back here in 2009 and he remained marginalized in my life. I barely spoke to him while he was in the house or sat down to spend time with him.  Knowing that life is short and tomorrow is not promised should be enough for me to step it up - give him the time that he deserves.  Yet...Lord help me.

Anyway -- that's a topic for another day to chew on and ... to chew on. 

It's my mother's fall early this morning, and just the general care that she requires now, that is so pressing on me.  She's complained all day about how achy she is. I know she wants acknowledgement about the fall and the danger of it...she wants me to dispaly more empathy and concern. Yet, I've felt very cold about it - even bothered that she keeps complaining. My head is saying, "Get over it. Yes, you're gonna hurt. You fell.  Yet, God kept you from injury. The soreness will dissipate over time.  Just stop already!"

I don't know why I don't have any real sympathy for what happened or alarm.  In a way it's as if I expected it to happen - or better, of course it would happen. Of course.  Only this time, the Lord sent angels of complete protection (yes, He did for my dad, too, I suppose, but was it complete??)  I don't know the cause of the fall.  Will it happen again? Is there some underlying cause?  Should I have taken her to the doctor to get a full exam and not dismissed it as some odd mishap??

She said she was on the floor for hours.  Was she?  Was she calling me for hours?  The thought of it...I mean the severity of that being the case just won't penetrate my heart.  Why have I gotten so callous when it comes to her and my dad - when it comes to their care?

In the the interview I watched yesterday with TD Jakes, he mentioned how he found himself stuck on the runway in a plane for hours.  It frustrated him to no end. He couldn't understand why he was so irritated. He did what most of us tend to do in that type of situation: try to rationalize it - make it not be so bad - bemoan our complaint.  He said it was a lot like what happens when you feel stuck or trapped in a situation, but rationalize that it really isn't so bad and you are blessed - look at all that you have - why are you complaining, get over yourself!  Sorta like what I did in a post earlier this week. 

He came to the realization that his frustration was rooted in being "stuck in a place of movement".  Man...man...man - did that speak to me.  It is what I've felt for so many years now.  This sense of imprisonment with no way of escape.

I was already hardhearted enough to leave my mother by herself when we went to Paris in 2014.  It seems that as a consequence nothing went well for us there at all, propelling me to return early.  Turns out returning was for the best because her memory issues had deteriorated that much more while we were away and there were things that needed to be handled here related to my dad's care that she would have never been able to take care of if I hadn't returned.

I don't want to come off as some martyr. But you don't leave an elderly woman with memory issues alone.  Yet, this same woman will not go into assisted living.  And even if she is in assisted living, I am still stuck.  Jonathan and I have no freedom of movement to go and try to make a way for ourselves in some other part of the country or world. I would still need to keep an eye on my mother and father...care for two homes rather than one.

Days and days are passing me by - Jonathan's youth is being expended - and yet, there is the blessing that he knows his nana and pop-pop and has been able to spend so much quality time with them, especially his nana. 

Father, how do I shake off this frustration?  How do I embrace being stuck in a place of movement - or really - being stuck in a place of inertia - since movement has been lifted from me? 

I suppose my fantasy of a rich husband who comes in and sweeps me off my feet is my way of escape. That he would be the one who could provide some semblance of freedom, whereby my mom and dad could get the best care, even at home, and yet, we could still go and do, and be together - I could live out my dreams of writing/editing/proofreading, philanthropy, child-rearing and working in the community.

Right now it's the only dream that provides respite for me.  Getting a regular job and continuing in this situation...

And even the idea of simply dating and marrying a regular dude, but being required to work outside the home, so adding the care of a husband, job and existing responsibilities...

I'm not rationalizing anymore, Father. I hate this situation.  Yet, I don't want out by death or sickness for anyone.  I love my parents and am happy to have them still here - at the same time, their existence has become such a burden.  It's so hard to reconcile both without feeling utterly shitty about myself and my perceptions of the state of all our lives at this point.

The word says that we are to share in the sufferings of Christ.  I guess that's what this is all about.  It says in this world you will see trouble, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world...

The world has been taking such severe swipes at me and my family these past 5 years, Father.  Relentless, agonizing swipes of sickness, injury, lost, theft and even death (Brandon). 

Father, can you please come in with power and bring relief -- renew joy.  Give me a brand new heart, soft and able to show genuine mercy and kindness - a heart of love -  not this heart of stone.

I'm so desperate for a suddenly blessing - I can barely articulate the depth of my need. 

When Hannah came to you in desperation of heart, You answered her.  You blessed her.  And You blessed her again and again.

Be unto me as you were to Hannah, Father.  Respond expediently in the same way that you did for her.  I am waiting...

21-Day Fast - Day 5 - Caretaking

So, this morning, around 5 am, I hear Jonathan's little voice speaking - waking me out of a deep sleep.  I call out to him and he comes to the door to tell me that "Nana needs you." Groggy, I get up and we go downstairs to hear my mother calling my name.  Jonathan's bedroom is right over her bedroom, which is why he heard her first, and thank God he did. She was laid out on the floor beside her bed!  Strangely, she was laid out with her head at the foot of the bed. She said she fell out of bed, but I don't think that was possible. Likely she got up and felt dizzy and fainted.  Angels caught her and made sure she fell specifically between the small space between the bed and the bathroom wall, otherwise she could have majorly injured herself, similar to what happened to my dad on May 14, 2013, when he fell out of bed and suffered the cervical spinal injury that eventually led him to nursing home care.

My mother was sore, but no injuries, praise God. I was able to get her up and back into the bed. After a few Tylenol tablets, she went back to sleep and woke later in the morning feeling much better.  Jonathan remained calm the whole time - he is amazing.  He is truly the gift that his name personifies (gift of God).  We both went back to sleep and awoke later to start our day.

To see my mother lying there of course brought back flashbacks of that faithful day back in 2013.  Somewhat like the consecrated place I am with the Lord right now during this fast, I was endeavoring to give over my mornings to the Lord for quiet time.  I had a real push inside me to make sure I got up early on the 14th of May to spend that time with him.  In the midst of this quiet space, my mother's voice broke through, calling me to come downstairs. There was my dad, lodged between the bed and the wall, his leg burnt by the radiator, because he no longer had feeling in his extremities.  From there was the start of a roller-coaster emotional trajectory that lasted from that point up until this past Sunday, before the fast.

In many ways, I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown, one that manifested in decisions and drinking and other behavior that took me away from where the Lord had been trying to take me prior to the event.  Possibly, the seeds of this breakdown really started when I got connected to Kay. A lot of decisions I made in the wake of meeting and connecting with him were totally not of the Lord, but of my flesh, and I reaped the consequences.  My dad's fall simply ignited what would be 5 of the most tumultuous years of my life.  I sense the enemy was trying to get me off track again with my mom's fall today.

Father God, I know you are moving me back in step with you and your plans for my life and Jonathan's life.  The enemy hates it. He wants me sitting every evening on the couch, downing wine and vodka gimlets, drowning out my worries and indecisiveness, keeping me discouraged and hopeless, with no direction or plan to get out.

However, this time, I'm not gonna fall for his tricks. I'm standing strong in the might of Jesus, and know that this is only the beginning of great days for my life and Jonathan's.  Falling into step with you, Lord, is perfectly timed for this season of my life.  I will not be derailed.

Yesterday, I watched a YouTube interview of TD Jakes about his book, SOAR with Steven Furtick of Elevation Church.  The book addresses how to make your dream of a business, non-profit, whatever it is you feel called to do, come to pass in your life.  It was fascinating and I learned a lot.

I'm seeing now that my idea for a non-profit that is funded through editing/proofreading work can happen.  Father, you have massaged this idea and sculpted it into a bit of a different form from what I originally envisioned.  Originally, it was purely a non-profit to route money to individuals in long-term Christian Service and providing a place of respite for them when they had sabbatical time.

Now I see that my gift of writing, editing, proofreading can be used to fund the foundation and be a place where I can share about the different organizations that I currently support and maybe find out about others who need a forum. Maybe providing specific help for missionaries and Christian workers who want to write devotionals, pamphlets, or books that highlight their experiences in the field.

Father, I need your wisdom and direction. I want this to work and to be prosperous. I would like to be able to give 80% of what is donated and live off of 20%.  How do you make that happen?  Please make it happen.

I need wisdom, Father, about a name, marketing, Web site, business cards, pricing.  Enable me to develop a clear business plan. Show me where I can get start-up funding, if needed.  Pour out your favor so that I get clients and am able to do a good work for them.  Keep me accountable. Steer me the direction of mentors.  Help me, Lord.

Above all, if this is not of you, than make that very clear to me.  I want to do what You want me to do. Let me not get offtrack.

I'm depending on You alone.  You alone, Father...

Going to the next level

"Present my heart to the Lord and let Him heal it and not act crazy when He's scalping and fixing it."

The above quote is from an amazing teaching from the Prophet, Jennifer Eivaz:  "The Heart of an Intercessor".

In it she talks about there being a next level for us where things are going to be restored and recovered, but not until we allow the Lord to do a healing in us.  This spoke to me, for I know that I've not allowed Him to complete this kind of surgical healing in my life for all these 7-10 years.  I've resorted to alcohol, medicating on TV, rage, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, isolation, bitterness, and controlling others.

There is a grace - and I stand it, and believe my Father is working on my behalf in response to it - yet, I still need to be healed from the inside out.

Father God - move the Holy Spirit to work a work of complete healing inside me - inside my heart.  It has gotten so hard. I've found it difficult to empathize with others and their difficulties - even their pain, such as my mother and my father - their aches and pains - their complaints. Jonathan and situations he encounters socially.  People dealing with financial issues like my sister-in-law, or emotional trauma, like Lolita, or Brandon when he was still living, Anthony and Alex, and many others.  I find myself irritated by them rather than having a heart of love and care toward them.  I receive the forgiveness that awaits me for all these trespasses, in the mighty name of Jesus.  I thank you Father, for it.  Heal my heart.  Grant me a new heart of softness - one that displays the fruit of the Holy Spirit:  Kindness, Gentleness, Love, Godliness, Self-Control.  Keep me from bitterness and foulness of thought, action and words.  May the meditation of my heart and the words from my mouth be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Enable me to pray for others rather than complain about them - to hold bitterness toward them.  When I see myself rolling my eyes in response to a person's name, I know for sure that there is unforgiveness there.  I still hold anger and resentment toward Kay.  There is anger toward my dad because I don't believe he's done all he can to really get stronger so he's not bound to a wheelchair. There's anger toward my mother's bloodline and the fact that out of all her siblings, she's the one that had to be struck with memory issues. There's anger that I'm stuck caring for my parents - why couldn't they be self-sufficient like Ike and Jean or Joan and Sam.

Heal my heart, Lord, of this bitterness and anger towards these individuals.  I pray blessings over their lives - that you pour out your love upon them. That they be strengthened by You, that You prosper them in every way.  I've felt that Kay doesn't deserve more than what he has  - that he really doesn't deserve what he has.  That he's not a real man or a real husband or a real father.  I've compared him to others on a regular basis and made sure that he always falls short.  I resent that he's Jonathan's dad and the fact that he doesn't spend time with him and then I also rejoice in the fact that Jonathan doesn't really have a relationship with him, because of my dislike of his character and my perceptions of him as a person.  I come now in the mighty name of Jesus and utterly destroy each and everyone of these foul thoughts toward Kay.  I command now, in the name of Jesus, untold blessings of health, prosperity and wholeness in Kay's life.  I declare and decree in the mighty name of Jesus that Kay is walking in a renewed, empowered relationship with Jesus Christ and that the outflow of this relationship will be restoration and strengthening of all of his family and work relationships and that he is stepping into a love affair with you like he has never before experienced in his life. Father, this is my prayer for my dad, as well...for my mother...for Lolita...for Tawana...for April...for Frank...for Anthony Chiles...for my nephew, Anthony...for Alex...for Maria...for Yoan...for Michael...for Abril...for all those dear to me, in the mighty name of Jesus.

I asked you earlier today to pour out a blessing in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that we would not be able to contain it. This is my prayer for each person mentioned above.  As you heal them and bless them, continue to do your surgical, precise healing in me. I need it.  I can't continue living without it.

In the name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN.

21-Day Fast - Day 4 - Elixir

My addiction to my nightly alcohol elixir is virtually gone.  It was hard the first two nights and then last night, I had a couple of tasty cookies, which did the trick.  Today I saw that some of the weight I've put back on since the marathon is falling off. That felt good.  I'm sleeping a bit better at night, that's also good.  What's mostly good is that I believe that after 21 days the need for a cocktail or wine to salve my angst will be gone.  Maybe a return to writing is also helping me achieve this goal.

Venting is healthy. Not so much in the cursing, foul way that I do on the regular through my mouth - *sigh* - but simply having an avenue to express myself is a great relief.  Why I stayed away from this blog for so long, I don't know.

Today I had another cursing, I'm sick and tired of this bulls*&^%t, session after getting yet another request for money from my sister-in-law.  It's not so much the request. I want to help - it's a blessing to help. My specific spiritual gift is giving - particularly financial gifts.  It's just that it feels like all I'm doing is giving and sowing and giving and sowing, but a tangible overflow back to me hasn't manifested itself. For me overflow is not necessarily a financial reward, but it would be maybe pipes not bursting or possums and squirrels not tearing up the house - cars not breaking down - roofs not requiring repair - a viable job that fits the pressing, personal responsibilities that I have - a job that I enjoy, that's flexible with good pay and benefits -- better - an answer to my truest desire:  a Godly husband who says, "Don't worry about working outside the home. I got this!"

The reality is that I am blessed. I'm not in need or want. Things aren't perfect but nothing is perfect this side of heaven.  However, it's pretty close to perfect.  Everything we could possibly need we have and much more. EVERYTHING.  I should have NO complaint whatsoever.  In many ways, I still manifest the attitude of the son who stayed with the father while his prodigal brother went off with his inheritance and wasted it all on women and wine.  I'm not always able to see HOW BLESSED I AM ALREADY and all that my Father has made available to me.  It's a trick of satan and I fall for it all the time.

Why is it so hard to focus on what is already good in our lives? Why should giving someone money when they're in need cause me to be angry at God for not doing the "extra" that I want Him to do in my life. I'm able to give, even though my funds are low, because I don't have excessive rent, my mother is paying all of the utilities, my main expenses are groceries, car payment, gas, garbage pick-up, car insurance, tithes, offerings, hair, and recreation for me and Jonathan.  I don't need much to live on.  Kay's $500 per month goes a long way to help, as well. I could definitely get more for Jonathan, but it's enough. It's enough.

Father, help me to always see that I AM BLESSED and I AM BLESSED to BE A BLESSING. Whether abased or abounding, I need to be content, just like the Apostle Paul. We have our health, shelter, clothes on our back.  Enough money to live on, to save and to give away. No, I'm not making 100K+ per year. Even when I did make that kind of money, I still felt like I didn't have enough!  It's all perspective.  I don't want to have a miser complex. I want to always be ready and willing to help someone when they are in need. 

In any case, along with the fast, I was hoping to sow a single unemployment check (gross) in the month of January, which would be $677.  I've given into the Haiti trip for our church- that was $100 and I plan to send my oldest friend's son, who is a college student, $100, and I've just sent my sister-in-law $500, so that covers that $677 seed, with a little extra on top.

My sweet, S. African friend Winsome, who I met in Paris (our friendship journey will require a whole post altogether) has been facing a lot of hardship over the past few years, which we thought was on its way to being remedied on her return to China for an ESL teaching assignment.  The initial assignment did not work out as planned and she was in dire straits trying to find accommodations and another job.  She was on the brink of giving up and going back to S. Africa. The Lord moved me to declare His word over her life - His promises - and to encourage her to believe for BIG things and that she would not have to go back to S. Africa.  Two days later, she emails news of a great assignment, with great pay, and a travel and housing stipend, doing the kind of teaching she really wanted to do, smack dab in the middle of Beijing.

My sister-in-law's request today felt that much more sour because once again I saw the Lord move quickly in response to my intercession for someone else, yet my specific prayers remained unanswered.

However, I'm reminded now how Winsome always makes sure to attach a prayer request with her seed - whether a tithe or offering. I haven't done that. Over the past 6 months, the Lord has poured out a lot of financial seed through me into the lives of people around me.  If I count all the seed of the past 20 years, it would be more than I could measure. He has flowed through me mightily to bless others.

Father, today, I'm bringing each and every offering back to your attention, particularly that which was given out in the past few months and in previous periods of my life, like while in Paris in 2014, when money was very low, but you still purposed for me to bless others with financial offerings.

Please see fit to POUR OUT A BLESSING in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that there be not room enough to receive it (Malachi 3:10).  Fulfill this promise in my life and this one, as well:

Father, I'm asking based on the grace that You're able to grant me by Jesus alone. Even my giving is by Jesus alone, not myself.  So, reward His faithfulness in my life.  Open the doors of heaven.  Give me and Jonathan a suddenly blessing - cause us to shout out loud that you are a God who HEARS and who ANSWERS His children.

In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN!

21-Day Fast - Day 3 - Aesthetically Pleasing

My prayer requests for this year and this fast includes Jonathan's acceptance into an all-boys Christian School located in Princeton called Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart.  I discovered the school in a central jersey mag last summer while getting an oil change on my car.  I had never heard of the school before and was fascinated with its mission, vision and focus on shaping the hearts and minds of young boys into young men.  The school spoke to me and seemed to be a perfect fit for Jonathan, who has had some difficulties socially at his public school, though he is excelling academically.

I attended an open house in November, but arrived late and had to leave early due to Jonathan's Christmas Play rehearsal. I plan to attend another, shorter open house/seminar next Thursday.  I hope to get some questions answered related to funding to attend, cause Lord knows I do not have the money right now to pay for the school and would require a substantial scholarship.  This is where I need the favor of you, Father God, to move expediently on Jonathan's behalf... to first enable him to be accepted and then for all the funding required to be made available - every year that he attends, which I am believing for till 8th grade.

One of the highlights of the school is it's beautiful library:  

It's even more beautiful in person. Just stunning.

It's a serene learning space that I would have loved to spend time reading in and exploring when I was Jonathan's age.  We both are all about aesthetics.  He's enchanted with the building and once he's living and breathing the vision of the school, I know in my heart that he will thrive there and obtain the tools to walk out what the You have envisioned for his life - what You, Father, have purposed him to become.

Speaking of aesthetics, I find that it feeds a lot of what brings me peace and comfort.  I loved working at Brio Point, not just because of the job itself and working for Laurie, but in large part because of the calm and beautiful office setting.  I still can't shake that expanse of windows next to my desk and even my desk itself - a large, draft-like table made of frosted glass.  All day Adele music or Adele-like music flowed through the air and most of the time I was in the office alone. I gladly commuted there daily on sometimes congested 287 knowing that a place of peace was at the end of my journey.  

The way a building feels and looks - how neat and clean - how much light bounces through and from it - the furnishings - the paint colors - all of that sings to me, either like a chorus of angels, if everything is done right, like the Brio Point office in Bedminister - or clangs, clangs, clangs like a loud, obnoxious gong, like - well, a friend's church building in Branchburg, as an example.  The building exterior is unkempt as is the inside. The children's area a mess and the banquet area, well, a bit worn for the wear.  It's dark and dank and just unappealing. The people there, however, are absolutely wonderful.  And my friend and her husband are indeed very much relational, people-centric folks.  They don't mind dust or a little clutter, crumbs on the floor or counter, things not just right - as long as there is joy, and laughter, and fellowship.  So, for them, their church is awesome and when they visited Life Church, which is newer construction, and for me aesthetically beautiful in a post-modern, industrial way, it didn't resonate at all with them. I believe they felt the same level of love and warmth they receive at their church, but in an all out comparison, they were still trying to recruit me and Jonathan to attend where they go. No.  I'll take the warm and loving fellowship that I receive at Life Church WITH great lighting, beautiful, open, spaces, and bathrooms that are very clean, spacious, and modern.

That's just me.

I have an interview for a job next week for an organization called Center for Supportive Schools. It's an awesome org that provides tools and programs that promote and encourage students to remain and excel in school, graduate and obtain post-secondary education, despite obstacles they might face in and outside the school.  The programs assists students, school administrations and families and I would join the team as an Administrative and Finance Associate for an FDA funded Tobacco Inspection Program (focused on reducing the number of young adults purchasing tobacco products and starting to use them).  I would love to get this job, Father, though, as related to you yesterday, not working outside the home would be my number one pick 😀.  Nonetheless, I took a drive out to the offices today to make sure I could find the place and was overjoyed by the location and the buildings themselves.  Yes, very, very aesthetically pleasing.  It's located in a business park with Georgian style building, not cold corporate offices.  A lot of places to stroll around and close to businesses in the Montgomery area.  But what really made it special was just how close the office is to Princeton Academy and the location where I would like us to relocate, if possible:  Hopewell, NJ.  From Hopewell to the school is about 10 minutes and then about another 10 minutes from the school to the office.  It would be perfect.

I just need to get the job, first.  Then Jonathan accepted to the school.

Then funding for the school.

Then an affordable place to live in Hopewell, since the salary will be...

I don't even want to mention it.

It's incredibly meaningful work, though. And that's important. If the dream dream is still a bit off, then meaningful work in the interim is of utmost importance to me - salary be damned.

I'm counting on You, Father.  With You all things are possible.  I'm believing You will make a WAY!

21-Day Fast - Day 2 - Anger Management

Lot's of handling other people's business for me today, which always, sadly, rubs me the wrong way - makes me anxious, agitated, irritated and simply foul.  I constantly have to question if I am truly a child of the living God and Bible saved, due to the words that come out of my mouth, the grimace implanted on my face, the wicked thoughts in my head, and sometimes nasty things that I do to others.  Today the negativity spilled out while rushing around to meet up with my dad at his urology appointment, sitting through the appointment with him and then running out to Macy's to get my mom make-up and hopefully getting back to Somerset in time to pick Jonathan up at the bus stop.  Of course, on the way home from Macy's, I hit a traffic jam caused by, I believe, an accident (due to the firetrucks and EMT vehicles that whizzed by us - I pray that everyone was okay).  I was livid. Just disgusted and voiced my disgust all the way from Macy's till I eventually got home.

My agitation was made that much more significant due to my pride getting the better of me. When I realized I wouldn't get to the bus stop by 3:25, I had to humble myself and call sweet Joanne, the grandmother of a young girl at our same bus stop, to see if she could take Jonathan home because I was delayed. She sweetly agreed to do so, even though Emma hadn't gone to school that day and was home sick. Ugh!  I ABSOLUTELY HATE putting people out or asking for favors or asking for help, period.  Yes, pride, pride, pride, pride.  Though I really think it's rooted more in selfishness cause I hate having to do anyone else favors too - hence the agitation described above related to the stuff I needed to do for my parents today...stuff that I should count as a blessing because they are both here, living and breathing to Help!  I should also have simply counted it a blessing to have Joanne to call and for her willingness to help.  Yet, time and time again, my flesh and its self-centeredness gets the VERY BEST OF ME.

By the way:  My outbursts were a complete waste of time.  Why?  Jonathan's bus broke down, so they were delayed leaving the school. When I got home, I noticed another neighbor's car was still at the bus stop, so I drove to it, and lo and behold, Joanne was sitting there with her husband, still waiting for Jonathan.  I thanked her profusely and they went on their way while I sat another 10 minutes. The bus didn't arrive until almost 4 PM.  Don't tell me our Father doesn't have a sense of humor...

Nonetheless, this pride/selfishness thing really is a burden.  I sometimes believe that I simply lived too many years alone and spent quite a bit too much time even as a youngster alone.  It made me incredibly self-sufficient, stingy with space and time, and self-centered.  I've been on a 10 year scrubbing by the Lord to scrape all that off of me.  I talked in my last post about the Lord having a specific purpose for me to move back to NJ.  Right now I'm believing it simply was this scourging work that still hasn't been completed - heck, I'm not sure the first layer has been scrubbed off yet.  I went from having at most discontent with my job and weight/self-image issues - oh, and not being in love/with a boyfriend/or married - as my primary issues in life, to getting knocked up outside of wedlock, caring for a child alone, than bearing primary responsibility for elderly parents, one with memory loss, and the other in nursing care due to mobility issues, and a rickety rackety old house that constantly requires repairs - on top of that, poor life decisions have me living paycheck to paycheck and essentially without any real plan in place to get up out of where I'm at so that everyone is in a much better place, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.

But maybe this was God's plan after all. To take me from a place of great self-sufficiency, where I didn't have to worry about anyone - where my parents were cool - I had no child to care for - and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted to a place where folks are depending on me and I would have to be forced to depend on others from time to time.

I HATE IT!!

And I'm not sure what this scourging will achieve in the long run. So far, I'm no more able to deal with these responsibilities than I was 7 years ago when they first started to rear their heads in my life.  In fact, I feel even more out of control and vulnerable to breakdown and upset.  I know the Lord is the answer.  "Come ye all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you strength". Yes, I know this word and I know it's true, yet...yet...yet...

Today's devotion from Tim Cooper was about truly stepping into the grace of God for our lives.  To ask for bold, big things that WE DO NOT DESERVE.  Based on my poor behavior, my foul mouth, my anxious, fearful, dreadful thoughts, my discontent, my anger, my resentment, and every other ugly thing you can think of, I'm having a hard time imagining how I can believe God to give me the deep desires of my heart or for Him to speedily fulfill His word in my life.

However, that is grace:  giving us way more than what we deserve. Mercy on the other hand is not taking me out based on what foul things I've done - and Lord knows He has given me MUCH mercy.  But grace?  Have I really, truly tapped into it?

I still find myself feeling unworthy to be granted anything good - and that of course my prayers haven't been answered because I don't know how to act right and mess up so much. What kind of woman of God are you, anyway?  If people could see how you REALLY are??  For sure God does, so do you really think He wants to do anything good for you??!

Romans 5:8 -But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Hmm...yes, the word does say that.  So, if our Father would be willing to give up His son to a horrifying death even while we were still sinners, why should I doubt that once saved He would not still grant me more of this grace:

Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?

True dat😉.

Tim went on to say that we need to do as Paul encouraged the Hebrews:

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

What do I need?  No, what do I want that the Lord almighty knows I do not deserve?

Yesterday, I said I wouldn't write my current prayer requests in this blog, but heck, Tim has encouraged me to step it up, especially in light of how UNWORTHY I KNOW I AM.  So here I go:

I don't want a job outside the home, Father.  Grant me, by Jesus, marriage to a genuinely Godly man, not unlike Dave Meyer, who loves me as Christ loves the church, who is spirit-filled, a giver, handsome to me, healthy and in shape, wears glasses, and comes from a sane, neat, loving family, and who loves Jonathan as if he is his very own son - loves and cares for him VERY well - and is a great example of what it means to be a man of God striving for excellence in his walk with the Lord and his interactions with others.  Grant us, by Jesus, a passionate, marriage that gets better over time, and enable us together to bring more Glory to you, Father, than either of us could ever manage alone.  Enable and give me over to caring for this man, our home, our children and our parents as my primary vocation.  Grant this to me in this calendar year, 2018. I already have the dress!

Open the door WIDE OPEN for Jonathan to be accepted to and to attend Princeton Academy, starting in September 2018, by Jesus.

Move my mother to agreement to sell this house and to move into assisted living and give us a buyer of this home who will pay top dollar, whether for redevelopment or to live.  Make my mother's transition to assisted living one that is full of peace and not dread.  Grant her comfort there, in the mighty name of Jesus!  Enable all of this to take place before the end of the summer of 2018.

Bless us (Jonathan, my husband and I) with a lovely, warm, inviting home, on a big plot of beautiful land, but still near amenities, like parks and shopping, with a small town feel and a main street, good running routes for me, and kids to play with for Jonathan, and big enough to open up for ministry - such as small women's retreats or providing respite space for missionaries and others in long-term Christian service, a place where we can entertain indoors and out and that we can afford on my husband's salary alone.  Make him a man of means, who prospers greatly in his vocation, so that we always have more than enough to live on, to save and to give away!

Fulfill the word you audibly spoke to me in August 2015, Father.  This is between You and me. I heard you.  I heard You clearly. I know it was You and I know You are able to do it.

I ask all these things, even in the wake of my actions, words and thoughts today - even only a few minutes ago when I had to help my mom find the make-up she misplaced that I just brought for her earlier today (yes, I was agitated and didn't go about helping her in a loving, sweet way - *sigh*) - in the mighty and precious name of Jesus Christ, by whom I can receive all things from the Father.  Only BELIEVE and RECEIVE.

AMEN!