Leann's neighbor, can't think of her name, has a co-worker at Verizon that she wants to fix up with a nice Christian woman. She asked Leann if she knew anyone. Leann mentioned me. This was way back in the summer. The plan was to throw a bbq or dinner party and invite us both and we could meet that way. Neither ever happened. So, he was asking Leann's neighbor about me and when it was gonna happen. They decided to simply give me his number so that I can call him.
Funny thing - well, God thing - I had a heart to heart talk with God in the parking lot of Kessler on Friday. I simply asked again for Him to fulfill this work about my vocation being marriage and family - to put in my life a man of the caliber of Dave Meyer, Jeff Smith, Eric Askey - men of stalwart character, who truly love the Lord, love their spouses - whose spouses are even greater women because they have been blessed with these men as husbands - and men who kind of get blindsided by ladies who have a lot of huxbah - they simply are so smitten from the get go that it doesn't bother them at all - they even find it appealing.
And then Leann calls a few hours later.
Not sure if this gentleman is an answer to that prayer. I do like that he appears intentional and is truly seeking a Godly wife. That reminds me of Dave Meyer. That's all I know. Not even sure of his name. Leann thinks that it's Rob, which is funny cause my dad's name is Robert, and usually Rob is short for Robert. So...we shall see. I'm waiting till it's the right time to call. I'm hoping to finally complete a 21 day fast. So maybe after that (after 12/28). I don't know. Lord, lead me rightly.
Please!!!!
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Me in missions?
Well, on Thursday, 12/5/13, I got word from NYC Teaching Collaborative that I was not accepted into the program. I have to thank God. It really wasn't for me. I was forcing something. I've been released from that fruitless pursuit.
However, in October I participated in an outreach to the homeless through the Relief Bus Ministry, based in Elizabeth NJ. It was a transcendent experience for me. The best way I can describe it is to say I felt all of myself and more during the whole of the evening. I met wonderful people who literally make their homes on the streets of Newark and one particular volunteer who survived cancer and spoke such life into me that I'll never really be able to thank her enough. I drove away as if I was driving on air. Got lost and ran into a myriad of roadblocks to get back home due to some road paving in my neighborhood and my attitude remained upbeat. I knew after that first experience that I was destined to become a regular volunteer. Was overjoyed to find out that Liquid will be supporting a monthly outreach at Penn Station throughout 2014.
Soon after, the Lord also seemed to be pricking at my heart to not only consider being a regular volunteer, but to look into actually WORKING for NYC Relief. I pondered this a bit, but was wary. Josiah, the gentleman who led our group, had related he was fully funded, i.e., an old fashioned urban missionary. He's married to a nurse, so they have her income, which in NJ, is a true asset for a person in missions. I don't have a husband, and the idea of ever asking anyone for money to support work that YES I'd be doing through the provision and power of God to His glory and honor, is just completely against my personal philosophy on missions work. Yes, I support several missionaries and ministries, and count it a blessing and honor to do so. However, I was never directly asked to support - well, no one picked up a phone or asked me out to lunch to talk about supporting them in missions. The missionaries provided a general description of the ministry and the work they would be doing to our whole church, or I heard about the person going into a particular ministry work. In either instance, I felt moved by the Lord to give, so I did. That's how I believe it should be. In keeping with the faithful George Mueller, who managed to care for thousands of orphans and build several, beautifully appointed orphanages, without EVER ASKING FOR A SINGLE DIME, but purely by faith and prayer, I could only see myself entering into missions if I could follow the same philosophy. However, NYC Relief wants you o raise the support and then you have to continue to court and cultivate that support for the remaining time that the Lord uses you in that missions capacity.
I'm reading a book now called "The God Ask", where the purpose is to point out that when you are raising support, it's really about God providing through these individual or churches - they are not the supply, He is - you are not the recipient, He is. I understand that I would be depriving those who I care for and love to participate in this worthy work, but can't the Lord simply move individual hearts, like He moved mine to support Caryl, the Salays, Whitney & Tim, the Chiaks, Joyce, Intercessors.org, etc.. Yes, I have the giving gift, so maybe it's a bit easier for God to move me to do just that, give, but God owns all the silver and gold, so if He wants to steer it in the direction of an individual who He has led into missions work, why can't He? Why can't I trust that He will?
For me the perfect paradigm is to send a mass email or a written letter to those I love and care for to let them know about the ministry and what it has accomplished by God and hopes to accomplish through His grace and power in the future, and to relate that the Lord has led me to serve with this ministry. If you would like to support me in this work, here is the information on how you can. If not, please at least keep me in prayer - be a prayer partner - and can I keep you abreast of the work through a regular newsletter or blog update?
That allows me to remain committed to my Mueller philosophy of not directly asking support of any particular individual, while remaining in faith that the Lord will move the heart of the right people, people who will not waiver in their giving, as I have not with the missionaries I support, even if it is only $5 a month. Faithfully. I can be confident that month after month after month after year after year that money will show up - because God has directed that from the provision He has supplied them they shall provide a portion to the work He has called me to do.
That for me would be perfect.
Will NYC Relief allow me to do it this way?
I would hope. I still see this as a powerful testimony of God's provision in my life - maybe even moreso. He has absolute control. I don't ever want to ask anyone for a particular amount of money.
Man --I'm just realizing that I went through all this without divulging why I even care!
Well, on Thursday night, I felt to go check out what are the upcoming volunteer opportunities for the Relief Bus and when I assessed the Web Site, the first thing I saw was an advertisement for a Volunteer Coordinator position. I had to read more. I did. And I knew I had to apply. So I did and the next day, the President, Juan Galloway, called me. Short story short, I have a scheduled call with him on Tuesday, 12/10, to discuss the opportunity further.
So, that is my reason for this struggle I'm having with the whole fundraising thing. I'm just not sure how I'll be able to do it, if I can't do it as described above. Lord, help me to do it as you see fit. Not as I. Not even as NYC Relief. Or God Talk. Or Henri Nouwen (gonna read another book on raising support that he wrote). Not anyone. Only you. Show me the way that it should work for me. Help me Lord, cause I tell you: I REALLY, TRULY want this job! Finally, You have led me to the meaningful work that my heart has been crying out for for YEARS - really for all of my adult life. I can see You doing marvelous things through me and in me as a result of serving with NYC Relief. Please don't let this issue about how I'm gonna take care of Jonathan and myself financially get in the way...
Update 1/10/14: Not for me. I went out on a full day of missions work right before Christmas. It was nice talking to the people and interesting to a point. However, this kind of work is not for me. My calling is to give to the work that is being done to minister to the sick, to the poor, the homeless, the widow and the orphan. So, my prayer has to change. Lord give me funds. Open a door for me to obtain the kinds of money, through faith, in the way of George Mueller, so that you can pour that money out of Jakin Sanctuary Foundation into ministries that touch my heart, like The Relief Bus. I believe you can do it.
However, in October I participated in an outreach to the homeless through the Relief Bus Ministry, based in Elizabeth NJ. It was a transcendent experience for me. The best way I can describe it is to say I felt all of myself and more during the whole of the evening. I met wonderful people who literally make their homes on the streets of Newark and one particular volunteer who survived cancer and spoke such life into me that I'll never really be able to thank her enough. I drove away as if I was driving on air. Got lost and ran into a myriad of roadblocks to get back home due to some road paving in my neighborhood and my attitude remained upbeat. I knew after that first experience that I was destined to become a regular volunteer. Was overjoyed to find out that Liquid will be supporting a monthly outreach at Penn Station throughout 2014.
Soon after, the Lord also seemed to be pricking at my heart to not only consider being a regular volunteer, but to look into actually WORKING for NYC Relief. I pondered this a bit, but was wary. Josiah, the gentleman who led our group, had related he was fully funded, i.e., an old fashioned urban missionary. He's married to a nurse, so they have her income, which in NJ, is a true asset for a person in missions. I don't have a husband, and the idea of ever asking anyone for money to support work that YES I'd be doing through the provision and power of God to His glory and honor, is just completely against my personal philosophy on missions work. Yes, I support several missionaries and ministries, and count it a blessing and honor to do so. However, I was never directly asked to support - well, no one picked up a phone or asked me out to lunch to talk about supporting them in missions. The missionaries provided a general description of the ministry and the work they would be doing to our whole church, or I heard about the person going into a particular ministry work. In either instance, I felt moved by the Lord to give, so I did. That's how I believe it should be. In keeping with the faithful George Mueller, who managed to care for thousands of orphans and build several, beautifully appointed orphanages, without EVER ASKING FOR A SINGLE DIME, but purely by faith and prayer, I could only see myself entering into missions if I could follow the same philosophy. However, NYC Relief wants you o raise the support and then you have to continue to court and cultivate that support for the remaining time that the Lord uses you in that missions capacity.
I'm reading a book now called "The God Ask", where the purpose is to point out that when you are raising support, it's really about God providing through these individual or churches - they are not the supply, He is - you are not the recipient, He is. I understand that I would be depriving those who I care for and love to participate in this worthy work, but can't the Lord simply move individual hearts, like He moved mine to support Caryl, the Salays, Whitney & Tim, the Chiaks, Joyce, Intercessors.org, etc.. Yes, I have the giving gift, so maybe it's a bit easier for God to move me to do just that, give, but God owns all the silver and gold, so if He wants to steer it in the direction of an individual who He has led into missions work, why can't He? Why can't I trust that He will?
For me the perfect paradigm is to send a mass email or a written letter to those I love and care for to let them know about the ministry and what it has accomplished by God and hopes to accomplish through His grace and power in the future, and to relate that the Lord has led me to serve with this ministry. If you would like to support me in this work, here is the information on how you can. If not, please at least keep me in prayer - be a prayer partner - and can I keep you abreast of the work through a regular newsletter or blog update?
That allows me to remain committed to my Mueller philosophy of not directly asking support of any particular individual, while remaining in faith that the Lord will move the heart of the right people, people who will not waiver in their giving, as I have not with the missionaries I support, even if it is only $5 a month. Faithfully. I can be confident that month after month after month after year after year that money will show up - because God has directed that from the provision He has supplied them they shall provide a portion to the work He has called me to do.
That for me would be perfect.
Will NYC Relief allow me to do it this way?
I would hope. I still see this as a powerful testimony of God's provision in my life - maybe even moreso. He has absolute control. I don't ever want to ask anyone for a particular amount of money.
Man --I'm just realizing that I went through all this without divulging why I even care!
Well, on Thursday night, I felt to go check out what are the upcoming volunteer opportunities for the Relief Bus and when I assessed the Web Site, the first thing I saw was an advertisement for a Volunteer Coordinator position. I had to read more. I did. And I knew I had to apply. So I did and the next day, the President, Juan Galloway, called me. Short story short, I have a scheduled call with him on Tuesday, 12/10, to discuss the opportunity further.
So, that is my reason for this struggle I'm having with the whole fundraising thing. I'm just not sure how I'll be able to do it, if I can't do it as described above. Lord, help me to do it as you see fit. Not as I. Not even as NYC Relief. Or God Talk. Or Henri Nouwen (gonna read another book on raising support that he wrote). Not anyone. Only you. Show me the way that it should work for me. Help me Lord, cause I tell you: I REALLY, TRULY want this job! Finally, You have led me to the meaningful work that my heart has been crying out for for YEARS - really for all of my adult life. I can see You doing marvelous things through me and in me as a result of serving with NYC Relief. Please don't let this issue about how I'm gonna take care of Jonathan and myself financially get in the way...
Update 1/10/14: Not for me. I went out on a full day of missions work right before Christmas. It was nice talking to the people and interesting to a point. However, this kind of work is not for me. My calling is to give to the work that is being done to minister to the sick, to the poor, the homeless, the widow and the orphan. So, my prayer has to change. Lord give me funds. Open a door for me to obtain the kinds of money, through faith, in the way of George Mueller, so that you can pour that money out of Jakin Sanctuary Foundation into ministries that touch my heart, like The Relief Bus. I believe you can do it.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Note to a pastor friend
"Wait for the Lord; be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)
Several years ago I was working as a doorman on an overnight shift. I hated the work. Then, I got a job offer which would require me to go to Virginia. I prayed about it and the Lord told me I could not leave the doorman job. I felt He was telling to stay where I was for a season. Shortly after I prayed, I met my wife.
Is God telling you to stay in a situation you hate? Is He saying wait? Don't get discouraged. It always pays to listen to His voice.
Go where He tells you to go, and stay where He tells you to stay. He knows what's best for you. I've learned this the hard way.
Obey God and never persuade anyone to stay in your life unless they feel God has commanded them to be there. This is another hard lesson I'm learning. You can't hold on to people, or dreams, when God is leading them away from you.
Whenever I hold on to something, or someone, who feels led to go in a different direction, I've always missed the blessing of God. People come and people go, success comes and success goes. You can only keep the things God has set aside for you.
I've lived long enough to see a child nourished by a loving mother abandon her, a husband who vowed to be faithful walk away from his family, and best friends become enemies. You can only hold on to the things God has for you. I'm learning this again the hard way.
Is the Lord taking away something you cherish? Don't despair, just wait. Is the Lord telling you to wait somewhere you don't want to be? Don't be anxious, just wait. Wait for the Lord, and...
Be Encouraged.
- Tim Cooper, 11/15/13
Hey, Tim. It's amazing how the Lord uses the devotions I get on a daily basis to minister to me. This devotion is the 4th one I got today where the main message was about trusting in the Lord and waiting on Him. One pointed out that He is El Elyon - God Most High - and that moniker alone should give us enough confidence to place our trust and hope in Him.
I'm not sure if I told you this already, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. Earlier this year, I believe sometime in March, I decided to follow instructions given by Charles Stanley to sit quietly with the Lord and ask Him what His plans were for my life post-IBM; to ask and wait for the answer. So, I did this, and the answer disturbed me. I heard very clearly that my next vocation would be "marriage and family". That made no sense to me. I was hoping (at the time I was still awaiting responses from the PhD programs) He would tell me something about my future career in education, or possibly give me an idea for book, or confirm my desire to live abroad at some point with Jonathan. No - just "marriage and family", nothing more, nothing less.
I've been struggling with this word from the Lord ever since I received it. The PhD program didn't happen, and then my father's fall and the myriad of responsibilities around that seemed to add some weight to the word that was given to me...that possibly the immediate years ahead would be focused on caring for elderly parents and Jonathan and supporting this yet-to-manifest-himself husband. That was an additional concern, because I constantly waffle about even wanting to be married, because I have a real, sometimes obsessive affection for and comfort in my singleness and not having to share my life in such an intimate fashion.
The strain I've experienced recently as a result of caring for my parents and difficulties dealing with Jonathan's toddler-hood has made this word even more unwanted. And so, in my own strength, I've been attempting to re-enter the work world in opposition to His word. After all, I have a son to take care of and my savings are eventually going to run out. I've been applying to a variety of things, such as the NYC Teaching Collaborative (still haven't heard back - and not sure i really want to do it) and other stuff on-line that seems to fit my project management/tech writing background. Nothing has materialized thus far, and underneath all these attempts is a feeling of acute resentment that my sabbatical year to discover God's call on my life was sort of hijacked by my father's injury - and that when I specifically asked about that call, the Lord gave me a response that continues to baffle me. In a nutshell, I was feeling like He had left me out to dry; that I now had to take it upon myself to figure out how to get out of my situation and that meant I might have to go back to doing what I had so hated doing before (working in IT, in project management).
Thankfully, the Lord didn't condemn me for my anger and depression. He heard my heart cry and I can say that today I'm in a much better place. He sent me words of encouragement through an awesome book called "Undaunted" by Christine Caine. And just talking about it to you and Lolita has lifted quite a bit of the burden. I'm, in a way, rejoicing in my infirmities, as Paul tells us to do in Corinthians, realizing that indeed His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I've been endeavoring to turn my moaning into thanksgiving and by doing so, I'm experiencing much more peace.
Over the last few days, I've been slowly letting go of the reigns on my life. I suppose I need to just let God move in my life to bring this word to fruition. Whether I think I want it or am capable of it really doesn't matter. If it's His plan, He'll work out all the small details and give me the abilities I need to carry it out.
Your devotion spoke to me especially because back in August, I asked the Lord again about that word. I was wondering if maybe I was just hearing Him wrong and asked Him if He would give me scripture to confirm what I thought He said.
I prayed and then opened my Bible. He took me straight to these verses in Hebrews 10:
35 Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:
37 “For yet a little while,
And He[j] who is coming will come and will not tarry.
38 Now the[k] just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”[l]
And He[j] who is coming will come and will not tarry.
38 Now the[k] just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”[l]
39 But we are not of those who draw back to perdition, but of those who believe to the saving of the soul.
I wasn't too happy at the time to read that scripture and continued to fight him on it through this continued searching in my own understanding of a way to escape my situation (get a job, get my own money, move out with Jonathan, and only have to deal with my family from a distance and have enough income to take care of Jonathan on my own, without a husband).
However, in the wake of receiving that scripture, this statement in your devotion really resonated with me:
Is God telling you to stay in a situation you hate? Is He saying wait? Don't get discouraged. It always pays to listen to His voice.
If i had read those words even two weeks ago, they might have sunk me deeper into my depression about my current circumstances. I'm grateful that they came now and the other devotions that I received today, when my heart is in a place of thanksgiving about what's going on rather than dread...where my heart is more open to God doing whatever He needs to do to accomplish His purposes in my life.
Thanks again, Tim. Safe travels to you and Yuka and sweet Kento. I pray you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving!
10 things...
Paused for a few minutes while at QuikChek this morning to peruse some magazines. I ended up reading the full article for this month's Essence cover story on Gabriel Union. Insightful. I find her somewhat fascinating, even though her personality can be a bit off-putting. I suppose it's because she carries this, I don't give a damn what you think of me persona. It's something that is foreign to me because I've spent most of my 46 years worried about what people think of me. I'm hoping this is not a trait I've passed on to Jonathan, and yet, he has a penchant for saying "Sorry mommy" that speaks to my own habit of apologizing for everything that happens around me - whether I'm the cause of it or not. Strange how our traits can literally be passed down through our genes. I believe, even more now, that much of our personality is fixed - created before hand by God Almighty - quirks that can at times cripple and maim us - and thus cause us to lean upon His everlasting arms to pick us up, brush us off, and walk with us to a place of strength, only to trip again on the same bad habit. The whole idea of true victory? Humph, I'm shaking that bad boy off. The word makes it clear that when we are weak He is strong. Why? For His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Who inherits the Kingdom of Heaven? Those who are POOR in spirit - not the strong. So, as Paul says, I will boast that much more in my weaknesses, for it's in that state that I am truly strong. An oxymoron, maybe, but it's the way the Lord built most of us who He has called into relationship with Him. And it is He that does the calling. I hope He calls on a few more of those close to me - no that He calls on ALL that are close to me - who have yet to step into this dependent relationship that I so desperately cling to.
Anyway, so I read this G. Union article and she pointed out how a good friend of hers who is a life and fitness coach, called her to task on some of her dysfunctional behaviors. She talked about how she had a penchant for putting other women down - gossiping - and that her friend made her realize how petty it was and that if she really examined the behavior she would realize that she had never cultivated how to talk about anything else. Ouch. Talk about uncovering someone's shallowness!
The life coach friend then suggested that Gabriel write down a list of the 10 things that she like to do...that brought her joy. G. Union had trouble writing this list, and when she did, she included imitation crab meat as one of the things. Her life coach friend pointed out that this was an indication of how Gabby had a penchant for fake and counterfeit things - that she couldn't even enjoy REAL crab meat. Another telling insight.
Gabby eventually was able to write that list - and confront her shallow ways and take the steps to start becoming a more whole, self-actualized, complete and fulfilled woman. And now she's in a great relationship with a man she loves, helping him to raise his sons, who she also loves, on a great new tv show, that she enjoys, and ready to actually have babies herself. Also, she was willing to speak openly about all her weaknesses at an awards ceremony where she was celebrated for her courage - noting that real courage is being able to admit when you really do NOT have it all together.
So, my blog continuously points out how NOT together I am. I gladly roll around in my weaknesses and boast about them like a pig rolling around in wet, gooey, nasty mud. If I didn't, I would absolutely lose my mind.
And yet, I honestly think, like G. Union, I would have trouble writing down what I truly, truly enjoy. The top 10 things. In a minute, I will try, but I also want to talk about some additional words of truth from Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love".
She noted in an interview how she responded to a woman about what she would need to do to pursue her hearts desire and discover her true self in the way that Elizabeth did during her mid-life search for meaning. Elizabeth asked the woman: "Do you remember when you went off the trail?" or words along those lines. She says whenever she asks a woman that they all instantly recall the trail and when they fell off it. For the woman in question, she said it happened when she stopped ice-skating at the age of 14. So, she was now in her 40's and basically had spent 30+ years not feeling the energy and exhilaration of something that brought her much joy.
It made me think about my own trail. It was hard to pinpoint it - and weirdly, I was feeling a bit of shame about not being able to say that I'm PRESENTLY on my trail because I have Jonathan now and he is a significant part of this phase of my life - the current trail that I'm on - shouldn't that be thrilling and fulfilling - exhilarating?
It is - and yet, Jonathan is only on loan to me. The Lord birthed him through me so that He could care for him through me and develop in Jonathan the life that He ordained before time that Jonathan would live to His glory. When Jonathan eventually steps into his life with Christ as an adult, and God-willing I'm still around, where will the I that's still around be - will I have put everything on hold so that once I can step back on that trail, it would have been rerouted to a dead end, filled with pot holes and basically too dangerous to tread?
So, I need to know now. What was that trail? Where was that last place where I felt the truest sense of myself? A place of freedom and unmistakable peace - a sort of knowing that settled me and gave me a sense of wonder and joy?
And the thing that came to me was my trip to the London and Paris, 4 years ago, November 2009. That trip was a last minute decision and then quickly pulled together agenda wise - but it was truly magical. I spent part of it with Lolita, but very little. Most of the trip was me, myself and I and those two beautiful cities.
That one day trip to Paris is still hands down the most magical day of my life, outside of seeing Jonathan for the first time after birth. It still gives me goosebumps. And there wasn't anything special about what I did. It was just the wonder of experiencing that beautiful city for the very first time and how the Lord managed to make the journey there on the train so enchanting and then each and every succeeding step - from one end of the city to the other - astounding and abounding with ever increasing awesomeness and beauty. It was just amazing. I felt so free, so in the moment.
And then I can think of that very first day in London and seeing Trafalgar Square on sunny a midday and then having that delicious dinner in Chinatown. The tranquility and peace of that Monday afternoon to early evening. And the last day - walking beside Hyde Park, wondrously overcast - so serene - the hint of ancient Christmases from the past in the air. Just a wonderful, wonderful week.
I traveled to Paris again that spring of 2010. It was an amazing trip. Just amazing. Yet, it pales in comparison to that week in November. That single day in Paris. The two things that stick out the most for me about the Paris trip were probably the most uneventful parts of my time there with Sandy; That lazy afternoon in her friend's apartment overlooking the city of Maastrict and that lazy afternoon lounging and dozing beside the fountain at the park near the Louvre. Those are truly my highlights of that trip. We DID A LOT - and yet those two things stand out for me. Both were about truly, simply being in the moment and basking in the sheer, unmitigated beauty of my surroundings. Sort of like that forced week of vacation we all had to take in Poughkeepsie in July of I believe 2001. Every day I drove to Cold Springs, pulled out my lounge chair, my Bible, and my journal and just sat next to the boat dock area, the clang clang of the boats hitting the dock and the tranquility of the Hudson River in the background. Lazily, lazily, living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me.
So, those are the things that give me joy: living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me. Unfortunately, doing those things does not put bread on the table. It might bring me great solace and peace, but no bank.
However, God is the God of all wisdom and power. By identifying my joy - maybe, just maybe, He has a way of translating that into a career - a vocation.
Or maybe He has.
I'm not exactly sure how this whole idea of marriage and family being a vocation dovetails with "basking in the beauty all around me" and "being in the moment". But maybe it does. Maybe the Lord is calling me to simply, sit, relax, and enjoy the beauty of those He has has placed in my life - to see their inherent beauty and worth - to soak it in and to celebrate it in my heart. To find a solace and peace in simply doing that, and ignoring everything we don't see when we are in that moment of beholding all that is beautiful. For example, during that one day in Paris, I didn't notice harsh words spoken by folks walking beside me or in the distance, the fact that it was a bit nippy outside, any garbage or unsightly stuff on the streets, rudeness, discomfort on the coach train ride home (well, I did notice the discomfort on the ride home, but I was still in my cloud of appreciation of the day, so it didn't bother me that much). When I was in London, I didn't notice as much how awful my hotel room was (definitely not my usual standards) or that I had to spend time with a travel companion (which up to that point I usually avoided with a passion) or the length of the bus ride to see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. When I was in Maastrict, I didn't get as bothered by the ugly B&B or the walk to Sandy's friend's place from the B & B or how ugly Amsterdam (our first stop) was.
Being in the moment and basking in the beauty all around manages to get your eyes of the ugly. So, if my vocation is TRULY this whole marriage/family thing, that must be what the Lord is endeavoring to get me to practice - not just on travel journeys, but in my day to day life. To not worry about tomorrow, but enjoy today - to seek His kingdom and righteousness - in those around me - in my mother, my father, Jonathan - and eventually this man guy I'm supposed to share my life with - a life I really do not want to share.
Help me Lord. Money is running out and there is no real, concrete answer to a different vocation other than the one you've spoken to me. I'm having a hard time embracing it and really wanting something else - still wanting something else. I need you to help me to embrace it whole heartily - with joy and abandon. To give it my all, without complaint and dread. I really am desperate to meet this man I'm supposed to build life and love with - who can be a real dad to Jonathan. And yet, i know also that I have to get in a spot of knowing what it is I really, truly like so that I'm calling on you to fulfill it, rather than this man - or anyone else - none of who have the capacity to do so.
So, here's my list (yeah, I'm getting to it now). The things I really, truly like:
I'll make sure to travel to those towns a lot more often in the coming weeks...
Anyway, so I read this G. Union article and she pointed out how a good friend of hers who is a life and fitness coach, called her to task on some of her dysfunctional behaviors. She talked about how she had a penchant for putting other women down - gossiping - and that her friend made her realize how petty it was and that if she really examined the behavior she would realize that she had never cultivated how to talk about anything else. Ouch. Talk about uncovering someone's shallowness!
The life coach friend then suggested that Gabriel write down a list of the 10 things that she like to do...that brought her joy. G. Union had trouble writing this list, and when she did, she included imitation crab meat as one of the things. Her life coach friend pointed out that this was an indication of how Gabby had a penchant for fake and counterfeit things - that she couldn't even enjoy REAL crab meat. Another telling insight.
Gabby eventually was able to write that list - and confront her shallow ways and take the steps to start becoming a more whole, self-actualized, complete and fulfilled woman. And now she's in a great relationship with a man she loves, helping him to raise his sons, who she also loves, on a great new tv show, that she enjoys, and ready to actually have babies herself. Also, she was willing to speak openly about all her weaknesses at an awards ceremony where she was celebrated for her courage - noting that real courage is being able to admit when you really do NOT have it all together.
So, my blog continuously points out how NOT together I am. I gladly roll around in my weaknesses and boast about them like a pig rolling around in wet, gooey, nasty mud. If I didn't, I would absolutely lose my mind.
And yet, I honestly think, like G. Union, I would have trouble writing down what I truly, truly enjoy. The top 10 things. In a minute, I will try, but I also want to talk about some additional words of truth from Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love".
She noted in an interview how she responded to a woman about what she would need to do to pursue her hearts desire and discover her true self in the way that Elizabeth did during her mid-life search for meaning. Elizabeth asked the woman: "Do you remember when you went off the trail?" or words along those lines. She says whenever she asks a woman that they all instantly recall the trail and when they fell off it. For the woman in question, she said it happened when she stopped ice-skating at the age of 14. So, she was now in her 40's and basically had spent 30+ years not feeling the energy and exhilaration of something that brought her much joy.
It made me think about my own trail. It was hard to pinpoint it - and weirdly, I was feeling a bit of shame about not being able to say that I'm PRESENTLY on my trail because I have Jonathan now and he is a significant part of this phase of my life - the current trail that I'm on - shouldn't that be thrilling and fulfilling - exhilarating?
It is - and yet, Jonathan is only on loan to me. The Lord birthed him through me so that He could care for him through me and develop in Jonathan the life that He ordained before time that Jonathan would live to His glory. When Jonathan eventually steps into his life with Christ as an adult, and God-willing I'm still around, where will the I that's still around be - will I have put everything on hold so that once I can step back on that trail, it would have been rerouted to a dead end, filled with pot holes and basically too dangerous to tread?
So, I need to know now. What was that trail? Where was that last place where I felt the truest sense of myself? A place of freedom and unmistakable peace - a sort of knowing that settled me and gave me a sense of wonder and joy?
And the thing that came to me was my trip to the London and Paris, 4 years ago, November 2009. That trip was a last minute decision and then quickly pulled together agenda wise - but it was truly magical. I spent part of it with Lolita, but very little. Most of the trip was me, myself and I and those two beautiful cities.
That one day trip to Paris is still hands down the most magical day of my life, outside of seeing Jonathan for the first time after birth. It still gives me goosebumps. And there wasn't anything special about what I did. It was just the wonder of experiencing that beautiful city for the very first time and how the Lord managed to make the journey there on the train so enchanting and then each and every succeeding step - from one end of the city to the other - astounding and abounding with ever increasing awesomeness and beauty. It was just amazing. I felt so free, so in the moment.
And then I can think of that very first day in London and seeing Trafalgar Square on sunny a midday and then having that delicious dinner in Chinatown. The tranquility and peace of that Monday afternoon to early evening. And the last day - walking beside Hyde Park, wondrously overcast - so serene - the hint of ancient Christmases from the past in the air. Just a wonderful, wonderful week.
I traveled to Paris again that spring of 2010. It was an amazing trip. Just amazing. Yet, it pales in comparison to that week in November. That single day in Paris. The two things that stick out the most for me about the Paris trip were probably the most uneventful parts of my time there with Sandy; That lazy afternoon in her friend's apartment overlooking the city of Maastrict and that lazy afternoon lounging and dozing beside the fountain at the park near the Louvre. Those are truly my highlights of that trip. We DID A LOT - and yet those two things stand out for me. Both were about truly, simply being in the moment and basking in the sheer, unmitigated beauty of my surroundings. Sort of like that forced week of vacation we all had to take in Poughkeepsie in July of I believe 2001. Every day I drove to Cold Springs, pulled out my lounge chair, my Bible, and my journal and just sat next to the boat dock area, the clang clang of the boats hitting the dock and the tranquility of the Hudson River in the background. Lazily, lazily, living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me.
So, those are the things that give me joy: living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me. Unfortunately, doing those things does not put bread on the table. It might bring me great solace and peace, but no bank.
However, God is the God of all wisdom and power. By identifying my joy - maybe, just maybe, He has a way of translating that into a career - a vocation.
Or maybe He has.
I'm not exactly sure how this whole idea of marriage and family being a vocation dovetails with "basking in the beauty all around me" and "being in the moment". But maybe it does. Maybe the Lord is calling me to simply, sit, relax, and enjoy the beauty of those He has has placed in my life - to see their inherent beauty and worth - to soak it in and to celebrate it in my heart. To find a solace and peace in simply doing that, and ignoring everything we don't see when we are in that moment of beholding all that is beautiful. For example, during that one day in Paris, I didn't notice harsh words spoken by folks walking beside me or in the distance, the fact that it was a bit nippy outside, any garbage or unsightly stuff on the streets, rudeness, discomfort on the coach train ride home (well, I did notice the discomfort on the ride home, but I was still in my cloud of appreciation of the day, so it didn't bother me that much). When I was in London, I didn't notice as much how awful my hotel room was (definitely not my usual standards) or that I had to spend time with a travel companion (which up to that point I usually avoided with a passion) or the length of the bus ride to see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. When I was in Maastrict, I didn't get as bothered by the ugly B&B or the walk to Sandy's friend's place from the B & B or how ugly Amsterdam (our first stop) was.
Being in the moment and basking in the beauty all around manages to get your eyes of the ugly. So, if my vocation is TRULY this whole marriage/family thing, that must be what the Lord is endeavoring to get me to practice - not just on travel journeys, but in my day to day life. To not worry about tomorrow, but enjoy today - to seek His kingdom and righteousness - in those around me - in my mother, my father, Jonathan - and eventually this man guy I'm supposed to share my life with - a life I really do not want to share.
Help me Lord. Money is running out and there is no real, concrete answer to a different vocation other than the one you've spoken to me. I'm having a hard time embracing it and really wanting something else - still wanting something else. I need you to help me to embrace it whole heartily - with joy and abandon. To give it my all, without complaint and dread. I really am desperate to meet this man I'm supposed to build life and love with - who can be a real dad to Jonathan. And yet, i know also that I have to get in a spot of knowing what it is I really, truly like so that I'm calling on you to fulfill it, rather than this man - or anyone else - none of who have the capacity to do so.
So, here's my list (yeah, I'm getting to it now). The things I really, truly like:
- Jonathan's smile and his giggles. There is NOTHING better.
- Kay's smile - which he gives so infrequently as to almost be an endangered species.
- A really good meal at a quaint, local spot like Sophie's Bistro.
- A great dessert - like that chocolate cocoa cola cake at Cracker Barrel.
- Evening strolls on moonlit nights when the weather is not too cold or too hot.
- A really good book that I have a hard time putting down - whether non-fiction or fiction.
- The Lord speaking to me through a scripture, a sermon, a devotion - just clearly hearing His voice giving me a right now, rhema word.
- House Hunters - and dreaming of owning my own home again - of truly dwelling and living in that home richly, with my family - not as a museum, like the house I had in Alabama.
- Talking to God - even in complaint, griping, moping, grumbling - just having the freedom to come to Him, the only one who accepts me for exactly who I am right at that moment.
- Basking in the beauty all around me and simply being in that enchanted moment - typically occurs when I'm in a foreign city or in a new town or part of town that I've never seen before OR a place that go to time and time again to be refreshed.
When it comes to 10, I see that one of the things that I miss is having that place to go to over and over again to be refreshed. I don't have that here in NJ. I've had it pretty much everywhere in my adult life. In Jersey City it was Pavonia Newport and simply my running in the early mornings - especially my Sunday morning runs.
In Poughkeepsie it was Esopus Lighthouse and Cold Springs.
In Alabama it was the lovely and enchanting Botanical Gardens, Homewood and English Village.
In NJ - nada.
I need that place. I wonder if by having it, I would then be in a much better place emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I need it. Lord, can you lead me to it. Where is this place that I can go....
New Hope and Lambertville. Yup. That's it. How could I forget. I was just there on Monday. And indeed, time stands still for me there. It just does.
I'll make sure to travel to those towns a lot more often in the coming weeks...
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
back again...
The Esther Project? A bust. I got through the first month and then floundered in the 2nd and now, almost 4 months after my initial excitement, I had forgotten all about it until I reopened this blog to add a new post.
August through the present time has been a harrowing, mummifying time for me. My father's continued treatment at Kessler and then transfer to a sub-acute facility (Franklin Care Center)...determining exactly which facility to transfer him to and then hating my choice. I say my choice, cause when it comes down to it, my mother didn't really have a clear idea of a choice based on our options. It was left to me and I chose based on the level of good therapy he would receive, still hoping beyond hope that by the end of his time in sub-acute he'd be able to walk out of the facility with little help other than a walker.
That doesn't look to be what will happen.
I hate that place. Well, I don't hate the whole place. The therapy is great and the general staff is very warm and loving. And in the final analysis that's what matters most. But I hate his room and that archaic, prison-like, rundown bathroom in his room. He hates the food, requesting take-out or food from home every chance he can get. My mother begrudgingly bringing it to him and still ranting about how bad he treated her, how she's not gonna be used and abused any more by him, how she's now gonna have a life, how he's not gonna come to the house needing any care that she has to give, cause she's not gonna wipe his ass or dress him, and on and on.
So, dealing with what I consider a poor decision on the place of his continued treatment, my mother's unbalanced mental and emotional state, my father's recent revelation that it was my mother that pushed him out of bed in the first place (while asleep and as a reflexive response to him moving too close to her in bed, which she despised), stress about my father not really progressing as I hoped, fear that I would eventually be responsible for all the ass wiping and dressing, helping to get him up and walking work that my mother won't do (and in reality, can't physically do - it will be my responsibility), gathering all the paperwork and filling out all the paperwork to apply for Medicaid for my father's likely move to a nursing home, gathering all the paperwork and filling out all the paperwork to get Jonathan enrolled in the Franklin Township Public School System so he can participate in its preschool program for early intervention when he turns 3, gathering all the paperwork and filling out all the paperwork for Jonathan's scheduled meeting with a developmental pediatrician on November 19th (as prescribed by the Township's preschool program) AND dealing with finding Jonathan a new preschool for the fall, concerns about getting Kay to pay for said preschool once found, and Jonathan's continued participation in the Early Intervention program and the fact he's in that stupid program in the first place, AND the fact that my father's fall in May completely derailed by dream of a sabbatical year spent finding out what is the next thing for me to do, despite the Lord's word to me way back in like March that that next thing is some crazy vocation focused on marriage and family NOT my dream of writing, research or academia, yet ignoring that "word" to try to pursue maybe part of my original dream by becoming a teacher (maybe) through the NYC Teaching Collaborative (and its tedious application process), but not really wanting to be a teacher, but really, truly, wanting, as I've always wanted since I was a little girl, to be a full-time writer of fiction or creative non-fiction - yet never really getting any support of that pursuit in the many rejections to writing programs and God's continued rejection of putting a good solid idea in my head to write AND my money almost running out with no prospect of a job or a stupid husband that I don't really want that the Lord seems to be promising is on his way to fulfill this call He has on my life for marriage and family - namely family in the form of caring for invalid/senior parents and in-laws and small children (confirmed through his word - twice), including another, promised child from my womb (again, confirmed through His word - twice) -- all that?
has left me emotionally, mentally, spent, numb...
Mummified - almost.
Oh, and I'm also 15 lbs heavier, my hair is thinning and I'm premenapausal: spotting daily, having to change pantyliners a few times a day, and the spotting emitting a foul odor that leaves me incredibly self-conscious that anyone who comes near me thinks that I stink - and none of these things leave me feeling at all sexy or wanting to be affectionate with the opposite sex in any way, shape or form. I see a life as a celibate being a great future. Just me and Jonathan. No obligations to a man, no sharing space, time or energy, no worry about someone else's feelings or desires (in an intimate way like how you have to in marriage), none of that long-suffering and patience required in marriage, no provision of my body for sex which I really don't like. Yuck! Marriage as a vocation? Caring for elderly folks as a vocation? NO!!!
Nevertheless, I still want A VOCATION. One right for me. Why can't it be the one I've dreamed of all my life or most of my life? Why can't I be a writer...a full-time, published, making a good-living, but in a private, Ann Tyler kind of way, award-winning writer??
Foolish.
I haven't written anything of substance in years. I barely keep up with my blog or my notebook journals. A writer writes. He or she doesn't dream about writing. A writer reads. He or she doesn't have 10+ half-read books either surrounding her bed or on her Kindle waiting to be finished.
And yet, I get full of emotion and tied up in knots whenever I read about writers or the writing craft - hear about some new best-seller and the person behind it or some old best seller and the person behind it. I want to be a person behind a good book. A book that speaks to multitudes. A book that illicits some sort of change or at least thoughtfulness on the part of the reader.
What is that book?
Memoir? About what?
Fiction? Again - what??
I so wish the Lord had opened the door for me to purse an MFA pre-Jonathan, when life was relatively free-living and responsibilities were few. I'm down to very little ready cash. I'm depending on the manifestation of a decent profit on my 401K so that I can withdraw enough to keep it at a prescribed base. I don't want to touch that base. I'm hoping for a tax refund of a specific number so that I can combine it to that 401K profit and my current funds and thus have at least enough money to live on until the end of the 18 month period I thought I would need to get to that next thing (that would be August 2014).
I feel stuck. I can't really move from my parent's home cause of my father and how I will likely need to be around to assist him (even if he's in a nursing home) and my mother. Plus, I simply don't have the money to move. I also want Jonathan to remain close to my parents. I'd like to stay in NJ for the time-being. There are no decent writing programs in this state. Even if there were, I probably wouldn't be accepted. I want to write, but I have nothing to write about or at least, I can't seem to think of anything right now.
Just hopeless.
So, do I just lie down and take the word given to me and accept it? God is faithful to His word, so He will perform it, despite any doubt or misgivings I might have (look at Sarah: she laughed, but Isaac came anyway). So the husband is likely gonna come, elderly parents to take care of are part of my future (and present), another child to raise is on his way (which I do welcome and would love - just not with the husband to have to share space, time, home - ugh - life and my body with). Why can't I get a dream like Stephanie Myer or Meyer, or however you spell that Twilight writer's name. Well, no, I don't want a dream without the ability to truly write, and apparently Stephanie can't write. And I don't want to write primarily to teens or sad, lonely women fantasying about some fantastical love affair. I don't just want a bestseller. I want to be known as a writer of merit - as a unique voice - with unique insights and understanding of human nature - who also manages to weave throughout her writings a reverence and awe of a God who makes absolutely no real sense to the human brain and yet offers and does so much for us - even without asking - but which we tend to take for granted, ignore, or despise. I despise it a lot. Really a lot. I don't want most of what He offers beyond that which enables me to keep breathing and capable of mind and body to wake up, eat, see, talk, hear, move, care for Jonathan, sleep, care for others at times, be somewhat kind and giving. The rest that He gives, like His own prescribed answer to vocation or calling - or having to deal with a relative's stupid fall out of a stupid bed in the middle of MY year - Nah, I don't want that. Yet He does give it freely. "How much more will He give of you good things AND Jesus to those who ask?" Geez, why is marriage and family considered a good thing for me? Giving me more of Jesus - cool. That is good. Give me the skills, fortitude, diligence and motivation to be a successful writer. That would also be good. I don't want this other marriage and family stuff that You are throwing at me, God.
Now, if you were to ask me what I'd like You to give me, well, not to be overly persistent or irritating, but here are some things I'd LOVE to blessed with or others close to me to be blessed with, beyond the gifts that You already and so generously give (as listed above):
Can You please heal my father in a more complete way (well, what we consider a more complete way)? Pleeeaasse, Lord. Such as:
Get him up with his own ability and strength to get up - not with assistance.
Give him the ability to get to a toilet on his own to piss and poop.
Give him the ability to dress himself.
Give my mother the ability to live with him in harmony and not anger, resentment and regret.
Give my mother real joy on the inside.
Give my dad further humility and increased joy in his natural sanguine-ness.
Free me and Jonathan to build a home of our home - finally.
Grow Jonathan up into a solid, intelligent, gifted, athletic, creative, giving, servant-hearted, Chirst-centered man. Protect him, without not even a bone ever being broken on his body.
Enable Jonathan to KNOW in his deepest parts, from a very young age the depth, breath, and height of Your love for him as his true Father.
Fulfill your word to give me a long life - a fulfilling, long life.
Make me into that writer I long to be. Give me your kind of success in it. Move in me to write in such a way that the prose produced moves others - even beyond my human years on this earth.
Make Jonathan an example of Godliness to his generation and his family the legacy of Christ-centeredness that will follow him and his betrothed.
Put GOOD men in my single friend's lives who want to be married and get them married.
Those who want children, like Lolita, give them children.
Save those people in my life who aren't saved, like Bill and Brandon, Yoan and Maria.
Put funds in my hands to keep giving to the spread of the Gospel - you've given me the gift of financial giving. I NEED BUCKS!
If I'm to be this wife you're saying I'm gonna be- well, give me a heart to be her. I don't have that heart now nor do I want it. But since You are faithful to Your word and will perform it, thus the husband is coming, and I believe that You are faithful to Your word and can bring him, then I need to have a heart to be her - so give me that heart.
I don't know who he is. I hope he's not Kay or anyone that I already know. Someone else. Someone suitable. Someone presently alone, like Adam. Or, whatever - whoever it is You deem it to be. I have no idea. Again, I don't even want him.
What a crazy post. I had a lot on my mind and I had to get it off my chest. To others probably one of the most self-centered, self-focused blog posts in the history of blog posts. Nonetheless:
Blogs are awesome! Thank you for my blog, Lord!
The Esther Project? A bust. I got through the first month and then floundered in the 2nd and now, almost 4 months after my initial excitement, I had forgotten all about it until I reopened this blog to add a new post.
August through the present time has been a harrowing, mummifying time for me. My father's continued treatment at Kessler and then transfer to a sub-acute facility (Franklin Care Center)...determining exactly which facility to transfer him to and then hating my choice. I say my choice, cause when it comes down to it, my mother didn't really have a clear idea of a choice based on our options. It was left to me and I chose based on the level of good therapy he would receive, still hoping beyond hope that by the end of his time in sub-acute he'd be able to walk out of the facility with little help other than a walker.
That doesn't look to be what will happen.
I hate that place. Well, I don't hate the whole place. The therapy is great and the general staff is very warm and loving. And in the final analysis that's what matters most. But I hate his room and that archaic, prison-like, rundown bathroom in his room. He hates the food, requesting take-out or food from home every chance he can get. My mother begrudgingly bringing it to him and still ranting about how bad he treated her, how she's not gonna be used and abused any more by him, how she's now gonna have a life, how he's not gonna come to the house needing any care that she has to give, cause she's not gonna wipe his ass or dress him, and on and on.
So, dealing with what I consider a poor decision on the place of his continued treatment, my mother's unbalanced mental and emotional state, my father's recent revelation that it was my mother that pushed him out of bed in the first place (while asleep and as a reflexive response to him moving too close to her in bed, which she despised), stress about my father not really progressing as I hoped, fear that I would eventually be responsible for all the ass wiping and dressing, helping to get him up and walking work that my mother won't do (and in reality, can't physically do - it will be my responsibility), gathering all the paperwork and filling out all the paperwork to apply for Medicaid for my father's likely move to a nursing home, gathering all the paperwork and filling out all the paperwork to get Jonathan enrolled in the Franklin Township Public School System so he can participate in its preschool program for early intervention when he turns 3, gathering all the paperwork and filling out all the paperwork for Jonathan's scheduled meeting with a developmental pediatrician on November 19th (as prescribed by the Township's preschool program) AND dealing with finding Jonathan a new preschool for the fall, concerns about getting Kay to pay for said preschool once found, and Jonathan's continued participation in the Early Intervention program and the fact he's in that stupid program in the first place, AND the fact that my father's fall in May completely derailed by dream of a sabbatical year spent finding out what is the next thing for me to do, despite the Lord's word to me way back in like March that that next thing is some crazy vocation focused on marriage and family NOT my dream of writing, research or academia, yet ignoring that "word" to try to pursue maybe part of my original dream by becoming a teacher (maybe) through the NYC Teaching Collaborative (and its tedious application process), but not really wanting to be a teacher, but really, truly, wanting, as I've always wanted since I was a little girl, to be a full-time writer of fiction or creative non-fiction - yet never really getting any support of that pursuit in the many rejections to writing programs and God's continued rejection of putting a good solid idea in my head to write AND my money almost running out with no prospect of a job or a stupid husband that I don't really want that the Lord seems to be promising is on his way to fulfill this call He has on my life for marriage and family - namely family in the form of caring for invalid/senior parents and in-laws and small children (confirmed through his word - twice), including another, promised child from my womb (again, confirmed through His word - twice) -- all that?
has left me emotionally, mentally, spent, numb...
Mummified - almost.
Oh, and I'm also 15 lbs heavier, my hair is thinning and I'm premenapausal: spotting daily, having to change pantyliners a few times a day, and the spotting emitting a foul odor that leaves me incredibly self-conscious that anyone who comes near me thinks that I stink - and none of these things leave me feeling at all sexy or wanting to be affectionate with the opposite sex in any way, shape or form. I see a life as a celibate being a great future. Just me and Jonathan. No obligations to a man, no sharing space, time or energy, no worry about someone else's feelings or desires (in an intimate way like how you have to in marriage), none of that long-suffering and patience required in marriage, no provision of my body for sex which I really don't like. Yuck! Marriage as a vocation? Caring for elderly folks as a vocation? NO!!!
Nevertheless, I still want A VOCATION. One right for me. Why can't it be the one I've dreamed of all my life or most of my life? Why can't I be a writer...a full-time, published, making a good-living, but in a private, Ann Tyler kind of way, award-winning writer??
Foolish.
I haven't written anything of substance in years. I barely keep up with my blog or my notebook journals. A writer writes. He or she doesn't dream about writing. A writer reads. He or she doesn't have 10+ half-read books either surrounding her bed or on her Kindle waiting to be finished.
And yet, I get full of emotion and tied up in knots whenever I read about writers or the writing craft - hear about some new best-seller and the person behind it or some old best seller and the person behind it. I want to be a person behind a good book. A book that speaks to multitudes. A book that illicits some sort of change or at least thoughtfulness on the part of the reader.
What is that book?
Memoir? About what?
Fiction? Again - what??
I so wish the Lord had opened the door for me to purse an MFA pre-Jonathan, when life was relatively free-living and responsibilities were few. I'm down to very little ready cash. I'm depending on the manifestation of a decent profit on my 401K so that I can withdraw enough to keep it at a prescribed base. I don't want to touch that base. I'm hoping for a tax refund of a specific number so that I can combine it to that 401K profit and my current funds and thus have at least enough money to live on until the end of the 18 month period I thought I would need to get to that next thing (that would be August 2014).
I feel stuck. I can't really move from my parent's home cause of my father and how I will likely need to be around to assist him (even if he's in a nursing home) and my mother. Plus, I simply don't have the money to move. I also want Jonathan to remain close to my parents. I'd like to stay in NJ for the time-being. There are no decent writing programs in this state. Even if there were, I probably wouldn't be accepted. I want to write, but I have nothing to write about or at least, I can't seem to think of anything right now.
Just hopeless.
So, do I just lie down and take the word given to me and accept it? God is faithful to His word, so He will perform it, despite any doubt or misgivings I might have (look at Sarah: she laughed, but Isaac came anyway). So the husband is likely gonna come, elderly parents to take care of are part of my future (and present), another child to raise is on his way (which I do welcome and would love - just not with the husband to have to share space, time, home - ugh - life and my body with). Why can't I get a dream like Stephanie Myer or Meyer, or however you spell that Twilight writer's name. Well, no, I don't want a dream without the ability to truly write, and apparently Stephanie can't write. And I don't want to write primarily to teens or sad, lonely women fantasying about some fantastical love affair. I don't just want a bestseller. I want to be known as a writer of merit - as a unique voice - with unique insights and understanding of human nature - who also manages to weave throughout her writings a reverence and awe of a God who makes absolutely no real sense to the human brain and yet offers and does so much for us - even without asking - but which we tend to take for granted, ignore, or despise. I despise it a lot. Really a lot. I don't want most of what He offers beyond that which enables me to keep breathing and capable of mind and body to wake up, eat, see, talk, hear, move, care for Jonathan, sleep, care for others at times, be somewhat kind and giving. The rest that He gives, like His own prescribed answer to vocation or calling - or having to deal with a relative's stupid fall out of a stupid bed in the middle of MY year - Nah, I don't want that. Yet He does give it freely. "How much more will He give of you good things AND Jesus to those who ask?" Geez, why is marriage and family considered a good thing for me? Giving me more of Jesus - cool. That is good. Give me the skills, fortitude, diligence and motivation to be a successful writer. That would also be good. I don't want this other marriage and family stuff that You are throwing at me, God.
Now, if you were to ask me what I'd like You to give me, well, not to be overly persistent or irritating, but here are some things I'd LOVE to blessed with or others close to me to be blessed with, beyond the gifts that You already and so generously give (as listed above):
Can You please heal my father in a more complete way (well, what we consider a more complete way)? Pleeeaasse, Lord. Such as:
Get him up with his own ability and strength to get up - not with assistance.
Give him the ability to get to a toilet on his own to piss and poop.
Give him the ability to dress himself.
Give my mother the ability to live with him in harmony and not anger, resentment and regret.
Give my mother real joy on the inside.
Give my dad further humility and increased joy in his natural sanguine-ness.
Free me and Jonathan to build a home of our home - finally.
Grow Jonathan up into a solid, intelligent, gifted, athletic, creative, giving, servant-hearted, Chirst-centered man. Protect him, without not even a bone ever being broken on his body.
Enable Jonathan to KNOW in his deepest parts, from a very young age the depth, breath, and height of Your love for him as his true Father.
Fulfill your word to give me a long life - a fulfilling, long life.
Make me into that writer I long to be. Give me your kind of success in it. Move in me to write in such a way that the prose produced moves others - even beyond my human years on this earth.
Make Jonathan an example of Godliness to his generation and his family the legacy of Christ-centeredness that will follow him and his betrothed.
Put GOOD men in my single friend's lives who want to be married and get them married.
Those who want children, like Lolita, give them children.
Save those people in my life who aren't saved, like Bill and Brandon, Yoan and Maria.
Put funds in my hands to keep giving to the spread of the Gospel - you've given me the gift of financial giving. I NEED BUCKS!
If I'm to be this wife you're saying I'm gonna be- well, give me a heart to be her. I don't have that heart now nor do I want it. But since You are faithful to Your word and will perform it, thus the husband is coming, and I believe that You are faithful to Your word and can bring him, then I need to have a heart to be her - so give me that heart.
I don't know who he is. I hope he's not Kay or anyone that I already know. Someone else. Someone suitable. Someone presently alone, like Adam. Or, whatever - whoever it is You deem it to be. I have no idea. Again, I don't even want him.
What a crazy post. I had a lot on my mind and I had to get it off my chest. To others probably one of the most self-centered, self-focused blog posts in the history of blog posts. Nonetheless:
Blogs are awesome! Thank you for my blog, Lord!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Esther Project Phase 1: Mastering the Fundamentals (week 1 - Grooming, presentation, self-care)
Scripture Reading for Phase 1: Esther and Proverbs (read a chapter a day)
So, I mentioned in this post that I plan to complete The Esther Project in the second half of 2013. I started Phase 1, Mastering the Fundamentals, on Monday, July 1. Did some nice de-cluttering and didn't have to do much for week 1's step of "Pamper your sleep" cause my bedroom is already what I want it to be - simply ideal:-). So, I'm doing my scriptural reading for the month (a chapter of Proverbs each day) and skipped a week into Week 3's "Pamper your skin" routine by using my Arbonne RE9 skin care products, which are INCREDIBLE. As part of my new consultant gig, I'll need to set up a monthly automatic delivery of Arbonne products that total at least $150. That will be pretty easy - only half of the RE9 stuff I want will make that number:-/. However, I expect to eventually be able to order all that I want of Arbonne without any hesitation, on a monthly basis, because of how the Lord will bless me in this new work, blessing me to be a blessing, so that He is TREMENDOUSLY GLORIFIED through the work He is doing in and through me. I am excited and full of great expectation. The 2nd week of Phase 1 will be Pamper your teeth and the last week is "Back to basics", which is simply making sure I have a set routine to handle all this self-care stuff (skin, hair, sleep, etc.).
I'm enjoying Proverbs. "The principle thing is wisdom. So get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding." Deep - and so necessary for me to hear...wisdom speaking...understanding needing.
Though I hear a lot and I've lived a lot, in all that hearing and living, I've received gags of wisdom, gags of knowledge, but only a smidgen of understanding. Thus, my life has repeated many of the same foibles over and over again, to my shame and regret. I'm 46 years old, but feel stunted mentally in the late teens/early 20's era of thinking. It's no coincidence that I had a child so late in age and under the circumstances that I did. The lack of understanding of myself and the ways of the world and men enabled me to be in a position to sleep with a man I should not have and to simply sleep with a man before marriage - but it also was such that mentally I was not truly ready for the Lord to open the door to use me in the role of mother until I was almost 44. I guess by then I had at least a modicum of understanding that He could leverage to ensure I do indeed raise this boy in the admonition of the Lord. However, so much much much more understanding do I need.
In all your getting, get understanding.
The word is clear in James about how easy it is to get wisdom. Ask for it. And ask without doubting. God will respond and give it! Without reproach. No need to feel ashamed to ask for wisdom. It is His great desire to grant us all that we need and more. I just need to receive it with open arms and not doubt that He IS delivering it. And yet - Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - grant me more understanding so that I can apply this wisdom rightly.
I'm gonna need it so very much in the coming years, God willing - for my parents, and especially for Jonathan...for this new business-owner career that I'm walking into - the mighty Angels of the Lord protecting me on all sides - God's grace and mercy covering me - His favor going before me. I need wisdom and understanding to navigate and negotiate all that is before me. I need it because I believe it's having a deep abiding wisdom in the things of God and trusting that understanding of who He is in this world and in my life that will enable me to take my hands off my life - to feel safe enough in His care and provision to not try to do all that needs to be done in my own flesh and limited power and ability. I can't. I can only do all things in Christ Jesus my Lord. I can do nothing without him. Lack of wisdom - lack of understanding of this truth has caused me so many missteps, so much stress and anxiety, regret and angst. I so want to be done with that way of living.
Wisdom and understanding also ushers in peace and removes fear:
21 My son, let them not depart from your eyes—
Keep sound wisdom and discretion;
22 So they will be life to your soul
And grace to your neck.
23 Then you will walk safely in your way,
And your foot will not stumble.
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.
25 Do not be afraid of sudden terror,
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;
26 For the Lord will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.
And if there is one thing that I need in my life, it is peace and the absence of the kind of fear and terror which has traveled throughout most of my life, but especially over the last 8 years or so. I want to be free.
It is Your word and Your presence - it is seeking You above all things - that will set me free.
And finally anger and impatience. This stuff that riles up in me and causes me to sound like my mother when I was growing up. I don't want that for Jonathan. Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me in this weakness. I find myself sighing all the time, rolling my eyes, irritated. Why? He's just being 2. Now, yes, Jonathan is a bit more rambunctious and hyper - he has some attention issues -- he is a handful, as Barbara, his speech therapist puts it - so, in general, I'm not totally loosing my mind with him unnecessarily - but I've got to be more loving in my correction, more gentle. Yet, I can't Lord. Not in my own power can I. I have the old scripts that start running like automatic. I hate it and I know You do, too. So, I repent and hand that gunk over to You, believing that through the awesome power of the Holy Spirit-man in me, You are gonna change me. And what I'm really grateful for now is that you've placed this special something in Jonathan - as sensitive as he is - where my groans and "What are you doing, Jonathan?!"'s and my "What is wrong with you, Jonathan?!"'s, and three stooges slaps against his head (yup - Lord please forgive me) have somehow rolled off his back. He's 2 - stuff like that usually does roll off 2 year old backs. They don't have the capacity to store much of their parent's craziness in their memory banks when they're that age. There's not much of anything I remember before say age 4. So, with that said, I suppose that the Lord has 2 years to get me in shape so that I can rebuke and correct this boy without having a conniption fit - AND I can know when correction is truly necessary - not just fly off my anal-retentive handle whenever it feels warranted to do so.
God I truly need HELP!
Okay - I guess I had to get that out - again (I posted about this issue with Jonathan in the past). Nonetheless, I'll keep posting till I'm right for Jonathan in the way the Lord needs me to be -
for Jonathan is, without question, the greatest gift I have ever received short of salvation in Christ.
So, this is my phase 1, Esther Project Entry. I might come back again later in the month, but if not, I'll post again for Esther in the 2nd phase that starts in August: Living on Purpose.
Oh, one last thing. I'm supposed to answer two questions about the book of Esther:
What inspires you about Esther's story and which of her qualities do I possess or desire?
Her courage in a time of crisis and her poise. There was a calm, thoughtfulness about her actions in the wake of Hamman's decree and the request that Mordecai made of her. I love that. I've longed to be able to carry myself in that same way - to step out boldly, knowing God is on my side - to do what appears to be the impossible - and to take those steps in a way that's graceful, poised, and steady. She was so methodical, yet gentle in her approach with the King. How I want that in my interactions with those already in my life and with whom i will meet. I actually see this in Christine's life. Thank you for placing Christine in my life as a real life example of what I long to become - just the Kim-unique version of poise and self-contained control. Lord, help me to get there through You, Your word, The Esther Project and Arbonne - through Your mighty working power operating in me and in the circumstances and people around me.
So, I mentioned in this post that I plan to complete The Esther Project in the second half of 2013. I started Phase 1, Mastering the Fundamentals, on Monday, July 1. Did some nice de-cluttering and didn't have to do much for week 1's step of "Pamper your sleep" cause my bedroom is already what I want it to be - simply ideal:-). So, I'm doing my scriptural reading for the month (a chapter of Proverbs each day) and skipped a week into Week 3's "Pamper your skin" routine by using my Arbonne RE9 skin care products, which are INCREDIBLE. As part of my new consultant gig, I'll need to set up a monthly automatic delivery of Arbonne products that total at least $150. That will be pretty easy - only half of the RE9 stuff I want will make that number:-/. However, I expect to eventually be able to order all that I want of Arbonne without any hesitation, on a monthly basis, because of how the Lord will bless me in this new work, blessing me to be a blessing, so that He is TREMENDOUSLY GLORIFIED through the work He is doing in and through me. I am excited and full of great expectation. The 2nd week of Phase 1 will be Pamper your teeth and the last week is "Back to basics", which is simply making sure I have a set routine to handle all this self-care stuff (skin, hair, sleep, etc.).
I'm enjoying Proverbs. "The principle thing is wisdom. So get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding." Deep - and so necessary for me to hear...wisdom speaking...understanding needing.
Though I hear a lot and I've lived a lot, in all that hearing and living, I've received gags of wisdom, gags of knowledge, but only a smidgen of understanding. Thus, my life has repeated many of the same foibles over and over again, to my shame and regret. I'm 46 years old, but feel stunted mentally in the late teens/early 20's era of thinking. It's no coincidence that I had a child so late in age and under the circumstances that I did. The lack of understanding of myself and the ways of the world and men enabled me to be in a position to sleep with a man I should not have and to simply sleep with a man before marriage - but it also was such that mentally I was not truly ready for the Lord to open the door to use me in the role of mother until I was almost 44. I guess by then I had at least a modicum of understanding that He could leverage to ensure I do indeed raise this boy in the admonition of the Lord. However, so much much much more understanding do I need.
In all your getting, get understanding.
The word is clear in James about how easy it is to get wisdom. Ask for it. And ask without doubting. God will respond and give it! Without reproach. No need to feel ashamed to ask for wisdom. It is His great desire to grant us all that we need and more. I just need to receive it with open arms and not doubt that He IS delivering it. And yet - Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - grant me more understanding so that I can apply this wisdom rightly.
I'm gonna need it so very much in the coming years, God willing - for my parents, and especially for Jonathan...for this new business-owner career that I'm walking into - the mighty Angels of the Lord protecting me on all sides - God's grace and mercy covering me - His favor going before me. I need wisdom and understanding to navigate and negotiate all that is before me. I need it because I believe it's having a deep abiding wisdom in the things of God and trusting that understanding of who He is in this world and in my life that will enable me to take my hands off my life - to feel safe enough in His care and provision to not try to do all that needs to be done in my own flesh and limited power and ability. I can't. I can only do all things in Christ Jesus my Lord. I can do nothing without him. Lack of wisdom - lack of understanding of this truth has caused me so many missteps, so much stress and anxiety, regret and angst. I so want to be done with that way of living.
Wisdom and understanding also ushers in peace and removes fear:
21 My son, let them not depart from your eyes—
Keep sound wisdom and discretion;
22 So they will be life to your soul
And grace to your neck.
23 Then you will walk safely in your way,
And your foot will not stumble.
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.
25 Do not be afraid of sudden terror,
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;
26 For the Lord will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.
And if there is one thing that I need in my life, it is peace and the absence of the kind of fear and terror which has traveled throughout most of my life, but especially over the last 8 years or so. I want to be free.
It is Your word and Your presence - it is seeking You above all things - that will set me free.
And finally anger and impatience. This stuff that riles up in me and causes me to sound like my mother when I was growing up. I don't want that for Jonathan. Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me in this weakness. I find myself sighing all the time, rolling my eyes, irritated. Why? He's just being 2. Now, yes, Jonathan is a bit more rambunctious and hyper - he has some attention issues -- he is a handful, as Barbara, his speech therapist puts it - so, in general, I'm not totally loosing my mind with him unnecessarily - but I've got to be more loving in my correction, more gentle. Yet, I can't Lord. Not in my own power can I. I have the old scripts that start running like automatic. I hate it and I know You do, too. So, I repent and hand that gunk over to You, believing that through the awesome power of the Holy Spirit-man in me, You are gonna change me. And what I'm really grateful for now is that you've placed this special something in Jonathan - as sensitive as he is - where my groans and "What are you doing, Jonathan?!"'s and my "What is wrong with you, Jonathan?!"'s, and three stooges slaps against his head (yup - Lord please forgive me) have somehow rolled off his back. He's 2 - stuff like that usually does roll off 2 year old backs. They don't have the capacity to store much of their parent's craziness in their memory banks when they're that age. There's not much of anything I remember before say age 4. So, with that said, I suppose that the Lord has 2 years to get me in shape so that I can rebuke and correct this boy without having a conniption fit - AND I can know when correction is truly necessary - not just fly off my anal-retentive handle whenever it feels warranted to do so.
God I truly need HELP!
Okay - I guess I had to get that out - again (I posted about this issue with Jonathan in the past). Nonetheless, I'll keep posting till I'm right for Jonathan in the way the Lord needs me to be -
for Jonathan is, without question, the greatest gift I have ever received short of salvation in Christ.
So, this is my phase 1, Esther Project Entry. I might come back again later in the month, but if not, I'll post again for Esther in the 2nd phase that starts in August: Living on Purpose.
Oh, one last thing. I'm supposed to answer two questions about the book of Esther:
What inspires you about Esther's story and which of her qualities do I possess or desire?
Her courage in a time of crisis and her poise. There was a calm, thoughtfulness about her actions in the wake of Hamman's decree and the request that Mordecai made of her. I love that. I've longed to be able to carry myself in that same way - to step out boldly, knowing God is on my side - to do what appears to be the impossible - and to take those steps in a way that's graceful, poised, and steady. She was so methodical, yet gentle in her approach with the King. How I want that in my interactions with those already in my life and with whom i will meet. I actually see this in Christine's life. Thank you for placing Christine in my life as a real life example of what I long to become - just the Kim-unique version of poise and self-contained control. Lord, help me to get there through You, Your word, The Esther Project and Arbonne - through Your mighty working power operating in me and in the circumstances and people around me.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Plans, plans, plans
In essence, I believe the Lord is using Arbonne to deliver me from a fear-based lifestyle that I've been living most of my adult life. My father's illness has shown me how much I am constrained by my fear of people, as I'm having to advocate for him and be more confrontational with others, which I hate. I need to be delivered of this, for my parents and especially for Jonathan; a cowering mom he does not deserve. I need to be delivered of this for ME.
I see Arbonne as the vehicle to empower and set me free. And I'm hoping others that I know (and don't know yet) will catch the vision, and find a way to be transformed and empowered by an entrepreneurial spirit in a company that's all about uplifting both women and men to serve others and to help them make their dreams come true.
If someone were to ask me what I do for a living: "I own a business that allows me to help people become liberated and empowered to accomplish their every hope and dream - and to pass this same gift on to others."
My 15-year and beyond plan (till age 60 and life as a full-time writer and ministry philanthropist - all God-willing!)
- End of 3rd quarter 2013: District
- End of 4th quarter 2013: Area
- End of 4th quarter 2013: Complete Esther Project
- End of 1st quarter 2014: Regional
- Driving our Mercedes as my birthday gift in May 2014
- End of 4th quarter 2014: Executive Regional
- Establish the Jakin Sanctuary Foundation (goal of 1 Million Dollar Endowment by 2027)
- End of 2nd quarter 2015: National
- End of 2nd quarter 2015: National
- 2015 Goal: July - October in Paris with Jonathan
- 2016 Goal: A lovely home for Jonathan and I and hopefully my husband and our child to be (before age 49)
- 2016 Goal: Jonathan enrolled in the best primary school for him
- 2017 Goal: 50! Running the Paris Marathon in April of 2017 & 50th Birthday Celebration
- 2020 Goal: Purchase retreat center and start blessing folks with it
- 2022 Goal: 2nd Child enrolled in the best primary school for him
- 2022 Goal: Run the NYC Marathon
- 2027 Goal: Begin life as a full-time writer and ministry philanthropist
- 2029 Goal: Send Jonathan to College (or off to whatever the Lord leads him - paid in full)
- 2034 Goal: Send 2nd child to College (or to whatever the Lord leads him - paid in full)
- 2035 Goal and beyond (and really, starting now):
Giving, Serving, Living, Loving, Writing, Caring, Teaching until the good Lord brings me to Himself
Monday, July 1, 2013
My sweet silly Jonathan
The love of my life is getting so big!! 28 months old. He had a great time in his tot's class at Community Christian Academy and Preschool. And now we're about to have a summer of fun together. He is awesome, awesome, Jonathan! Today he started swim classes and did great. He finally graduate from the Tummy Tub about a month ago and he so enjoys baths - just lays back and rolls around - I decided that homeboy is ready to learn how to backstroke. So many of our young Black children don't know how to swim. It's imperative that Jonathan learns and learns well.
Anyway, I just wanted to post a cute video of my sweetums. Gosh I love this little boy. He is the mostest evah!
Anyway, I just wanted to post a cute video of my sweetums. Gosh I love this little boy. He is the mostest evah!
What a spring! What an early summer!
Well, I turned 46 on May 15th. Four more years till the big 5-0. Four more years for the Lord to get me in step with who I am in Him and who He is in me. However, I'm utterly amazed at how circumstances have turned so that this work He needs to do gets done. Utterly amazed. And the circumstances did not arise solely for me. They arose, I believe, for my whole family - for all who observe and know my family - and ultimately - for His glory.
So, the day before my birthday, May 14th, my father had a freakish, 6 AM fall out of the bed. He was struggling to wake up and in his fitful sleep he fell. He fell and his full of arthritis body, particularly in the neck area, did not conform too well to the fall. He suffered an injury to the cervical area of his spine. Some vertebrae compressed the spinal area and he ended up having surgery to alleviate the compression and then spent 3 weeks in ICU and is now at an acute rehab facility in West Orange, NJ: Kessler Rehabilitation Institute (Christopher Reeve and Luther Vandross were treated there). Currently, he cannot walk. Can't feed himself. Can't really use his arms. Has minimal movement in his hands. Praise God - he is alive. Praise God - there's been vast improvements already since the initial injury. Praise God- He is moving in my father's life and in our family's life as a result of this incident. It had to happen, I believe, for God to heal what really needs to be healed in our family. My dad's injury is a metaphor for all that's immobile, fixed, and needs to be moved in our lives:
Resentment
Anger
Contempt
Fear
Anxiety
Fear
Selfishness
Self-Centeredness
Unforgiveness
Loneliness
Fear
Fear
And more Fear...
God is moving. He is moving. He is delivering. He is changing. He is moving.
My simple prayer is that my dad walks out of Kessler. I believe he will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that my mom with be delivered of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, anger. I believe she will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that I will be delivered of fear, self-centerdness, selfishness. I believe I will. God is moving.
God is moving.
In His ever mysterious ways.
For instance, last weekend I attended a Woman's Tea. Zarida, a good, Christ-Centered friend, one of the organizers, invited me and my mom as her personal guests. Living on a savings budget me LOVED that. So we went. We enjoyed it - IMMENSELY. We learned a lot. The Esther Project is all about empowering women through a 6-month plan, similar to the preparation Esther experienced before she met the King (open your Bible and read the story of Esther in the Old Testament; great read!).
Early months concentrate on improving you - your skin, your environment, your thoughts, prayer life, etc.. Other months are about extending yourself to others. It's a great program. Seeing that July 1 was a Monday and this is the start to the second half of the year - exactly 6 months - I decided to start the program today. I did a purge of gunk in my living space, finishing tomorrow with further stripping of an already stripped closet. Fortunately, the Lord moved me to do a lot of improvements right after I left IBM, earlier in the year, so this recent purging wasn't a hardship. And I love living anal-neat, so that also made it easy. However, oh how liberating it is to have stuff in even tighter, ship-shop shape. Thank you Esther Project.
Also, last week, Christine Johnson and I met for lovely convo and lunch in NYC. A great day and a great convo. I knew that Christine sold Arbonne. I thought when she reached out to me on LinkedIN to meet for lunch to "catch up" that she might ask me about joining Arbonne as a consultant. Hey, clearly she could see from my profile that I'm currently not working. I think there was something in me that wanted her to extend the offer. Some kind of readiness to receive such an offer.
Holy Spirit?
In the wake of our meeting, I've been researching everything I can about Network Marketing. I sent her hard questions. She provided great answers. We're meeting again tomorrow. I'm gonna drive 90+ minutes to do so. I'm afraid to really, truly do this, but there's no dread. I'm experiencing more of a healthy, this is gonna stretch you to the hilt fear...this is gonna make you step out of your comfort zone fear...this might actually make you do stuff you said you would never, could never do. Why? God wants to do it through you. He wants to show up in power in this thing. Are you gonna let him do it?
I'm not sure -- though, I guess I'm leaning toward...yeah.
So, what's the main thing I'm afraid of? Prospecting. Building my network and doing the actual presentations. Going into people's homes or where ever I might have to go to do the presentations. Having to get people to consider consulting for Arbonne. All the start-up work involved. All the work involved with maintaining and sustaining a team
And yet, I see possibilities for a more authentic and actualized life. I see Jakin Sanctuary Foundation and Retreat Center finally coming to be. I see a season living in Paris with Jonathan and being able to send him to the best school for him in NYC during his primary years. I see God Almighty showing up for me big time to do in me and through me what I could never achieve on my own - similar to IBM, but this time using a platform that makes a hell of a lot more sense to me - supporting a product that makes more sense and where I can tangibly understand it's benefits to our customers - and can articulate those benefits. I could never do that in IT. I was always so lost. But, but, but for His grace. And yet again, if I purse Arbonne, but, but, but For His Grace - with icing of clarity on top.
And truth be told - I'm so tired of living afraid, especially of people. I'm having to wrestle a lot with that part of myself dealing with my dad and mother - having to stand up for them in different situations - stuff I'm totally not used to. I hate confrontation of any kind and I get this strong feeling in my spirit that the Lord wants me free of this fear, i.e., of exerting myself a bit more - of reaching out a bit more. It's interesting to me that both Arbonne and The Esther Project came my way in the same week. I see great synergy in the timing and placement of both of them in my life. It's like confirmation of what I've been sensing from the Lord the past month. It's time for me to get out of my shell, while still being me, but a more actualized, authentic and courageous me. He's got things He wants to do through me, but if keep hiding behind my loner self, they're not gonna get done. If not for my Father's accident, I might not have hit the need for this change in such a strong way - but the current situation demands more of ME. Jonathan does too, as I'm raising him alone. A cowering mother he does not deserve.
So, here is my spring/early summer. With all that is crazy, there is an abiding, underlying peace that is sustaining. God is moving. He is in charge. I can trust Him and lean on Him. I shall not be moved. I shall not be dismayed. He's working His mysterious thing in my life, in my family's life. And guess what:
We're all the better for it.
So, the day before my birthday, May 14th, my father had a freakish, 6 AM fall out of the bed. He was struggling to wake up and in his fitful sleep he fell. He fell and his full of arthritis body, particularly in the neck area, did not conform too well to the fall. He suffered an injury to the cervical area of his spine. Some vertebrae compressed the spinal area and he ended up having surgery to alleviate the compression and then spent 3 weeks in ICU and is now at an acute rehab facility in West Orange, NJ: Kessler Rehabilitation Institute (Christopher Reeve and Luther Vandross were treated there). Currently, he cannot walk. Can't feed himself. Can't really use his arms. Has minimal movement in his hands. Praise God - he is alive. Praise God - there's been vast improvements already since the initial injury. Praise God- He is moving in my father's life and in our family's life as a result of this incident. It had to happen, I believe, for God to heal what really needs to be healed in our family. My dad's injury is a metaphor for all that's immobile, fixed, and needs to be moved in our lives:
Resentment
Anger
Contempt
Fear
Anxiety
Fear
Selfishness
Self-Centeredness
Unforgiveness
Loneliness
Fear
Fear
And more Fear...
God is moving. He is moving. He is delivering. He is changing. He is moving.
My simple prayer is that my dad walks out of Kessler. I believe he will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that my mom with be delivered of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, anger. I believe she will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that I will be delivered of fear, self-centerdness, selfishness. I believe I will. God is moving.
God is moving.
In His ever mysterious ways.
For instance, last weekend I attended a Woman's Tea. Zarida, a good, Christ-Centered friend, one of the organizers, invited me and my mom as her personal guests. Living on a savings budget me LOVED that. So we went. We enjoyed it - IMMENSELY. We learned a lot. The Esther Project is all about empowering women through a 6-month plan, similar to the preparation Esther experienced before she met the King (open your Bible and read the story of Esther in the Old Testament; great read!).
Early months concentrate on improving you - your skin, your environment, your thoughts, prayer life, etc.. Other months are about extending yourself to others. It's a great program. Seeing that July 1 was a Monday and this is the start to the second half of the year - exactly 6 months - I decided to start the program today. I did a purge of gunk in my living space, finishing tomorrow with further stripping of an already stripped closet. Fortunately, the Lord moved me to do a lot of improvements right after I left IBM, earlier in the year, so this recent purging wasn't a hardship. And I love living anal-neat, so that also made it easy. However, oh how liberating it is to have stuff in even tighter, ship-shop shape. Thank you Esther Project.
Also, last week, Christine Johnson and I met for lovely convo and lunch in NYC. A great day and a great convo. I knew that Christine sold Arbonne. I thought when she reached out to me on LinkedIN to meet for lunch to "catch up" that she might ask me about joining Arbonne as a consultant. Hey, clearly she could see from my profile that I'm currently not working. I think there was something in me that wanted her to extend the offer. Some kind of readiness to receive such an offer.
Holy Spirit?
In the wake of our meeting, I've been researching everything I can about Network Marketing. I sent her hard questions. She provided great answers. We're meeting again tomorrow. I'm gonna drive 90+ minutes to do so. I'm afraid to really, truly do this, but there's no dread. I'm experiencing more of a healthy, this is gonna stretch you to the hilt fear...this is gonna make you step out of your comfort zone fear...this might actually make you do stuff you said you would never, could never do. Why? God wants to do it through you. He wants to show up in power in this thing. Are you gonna let him do it?
I'm not sure -- though, I guess I'm leaning toward...yeah.
So, what's the main thing I'm afraid of? Prospecting. Building my network and doing the actual presentations. Going into people's homes or where ever I might have to go to do the presentations. Having to get people to consider consulting for Arbonne. All the start-up work involved. All the work involved with maintaining and sustaining a team
And yet, I see possibilities for a more authentic and actualized life. I see Jakin Sanctuary Foundation and Retreat Center finally coming to be. I see a season living in Paris with Jonathan and being able to send him to the best school for him in NYC during his primary years. I see God Almighty showing up for me big time to do in me and through me what I could never achieve on my own - similar to IBM, but this time using a platform that makes a hell of a lot more sense to me - supporting a product that makes more sense and where I can tangibly understand it's benefits to our customers - and can articulate those benefits. I could never do that in IT. I was always so lost. But, but, but for His grace. And yet again, if I purse Arbonne, but, but, but For His Grace - with icing of clarity on top.
And truth be told - I'm so tired of living afraid, especially of people. I'm having to wrestle a lot with that part of myself dealing with my dad and mother - having to stand up for them in different situations - stuff I'm totally not used to. I hate confrontation of any kind and I get this strong feeling in my spirit that the Lord wants me free of this fear, i.e., of exerting myself a bit more - of reaching out a bit more. It's interesting to me that both Arbonne and The Esther Project came my way in the same week. I see great synergy in the timing and placement of both of them in my life. It's like confirmation of what I've been sensing from the Lord the past month. It's time for me to get out of my shell, while still being me, but a more actualized, authentic and courageous me. He's got things He wants to do through me, but if keep hiding behind my loner self, they're not gonna get done. If not for my Father's accident, I might not have hit the need for this change in such a strong way - but the current situation demands more of ME. Jonathan does too, as I'm raising him alone. A cowering mother he does not deserve.
So, here is my spring/early summer. With all that is crazy, there is an abiding, underlying peace that is sustaining. God is moving. He is in charge. I can trust Him and lean on Him. I shall not be moved. I shall not be dismayed. He's working His mysterious thing in my life, in my family's life. And guess what:
We're all the better for it.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
PhD Pursuit - on hold or maybe...
...not for me. Not sure. Still believing - "One Day...". However, it did not pan out this go around. I'm perfectly happy and fine with it. I'm not clear what the Lord has in store vocation-wise. I trust that He has a plan and that's all that matters. He knows me better than I know myself and knows where I need to be, what I need to be doing, how I need to do it, in the time that I should. I rest in Him alone. I seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, believing that all other stuff that is needed or required He will make manifest in my life by His power and grace. The silver and gold is His - and that includes the credit union bank accounts, the 401K, the pension and any other funds that might come my way - funds, provisions, gifts. He is able to supply all my and Jonathan's needs according to His riches in Glory. He is able to grant me favor with whomever favor needs to be granted. He is able to prosper me so that I can be a vessel of blessing to others, and to be ensured that what He flows through me enables His gospel to be furthered throughout the earth - so that the widow, the orphan, the poor, the hungry and the homeless are blessed and cared for - and lifted up! He is able. I am His - ALL for HIS use and HIS glory. Have your way, Lord. I rely wholly upon YOU. Care for me as your word promises, for it says, Cast all of your anxieties on the Lord." Why? "Because He cares for ME!!"
Praise you JESUS!
Praise you JESUS!
Still believing, yet learning to be ever RECEIVING of His GRACE
So, the title of my blog is "...but for His grace". I've tried to somewhat keep to that theme with my entries, but I have tended to go off track here and there:-). Nonetheless, over the past few months of me sabbatical time - this glorious post-IBM time of my life - I've been learning ever more about the true riches of his grace and mercy that He pours out in the lives of those who have trusted Him as their Lord and Savior! The Lord has blessed me in particular through some extraordinary teachings in His word, primarily - the teachings of Jesus Christ our Lord Himself in the Gospel accounts - and also through new covenant teachers Joel Osteen and Joseph Prince. Between Joel and Joseph, the teachings of Joseph have truly been a blessing! Mind-blowing, really! He is a man truly sent by the Lord God Almighty Himself to bring His children into deeper dependence and satiation in Christ and to inspire more of His creation to come into relationship with Jesus and to understand just how marvelous what He accomplished on the cross is for those who BELIEVE!!
The message is simple: For Those Who confess Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, Who Believe that He indeed was crucified on the cross FOR US and is NOW alive again, EVER LIVING to intercede on our behalves - WE HAVE BEEN UTTERLY and EVERLASTINGLY FORGIVEN and ARE NOW THE RIGHTEOUSNESS of GOD in CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD! In JESUS WE HAVE UNENDING GRACE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN or DONE, ALL THAT WE ARE OR DO, AND ALL THAT WE WILL BE OR DO. HIS WORK ON THE CROSS WAS A COMPLETE and FINISHED WORK. There is nothing left for us, those who believe, to do. He has done it all. ALL WE NEED TO DO IS REST IN HIM and to BASK IN HIM. TURN to Him for everything. Rely on HIM completely. There is nothing in me to enable me to be righteous, to live rightly, to treat people right, to love unconditionally, but He whose eyes are stayed on Christ, can be in PERFECT peace and can be enabled to do whatever is necessary to live a life that glorifies our risen Saviour, our Glorious and Almighty Father in Heaven.
JESUS IS ENOUGH!
No more striving to act right, be right, know right. He has granted us all that is necessary to do those things through the living person of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. REST in JESUS. Meditate on HIM. SPEAK the TRUTH of WHO I AM in HIM. BE HUMBLED by this FINISHED WORK, and SEE HOW He can do so much to HIS GLORY, PRAISE, AND HONOR through this humble resting in the majesty and beauty that is our GOD. HE IS AWESOME, HE IS GREAT, and OH HOW MUCH HE LOVES US. SO MUCH THAT HE SENT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON TO DIE A DEATH that was so atrocious, so painful, so awful, simply so that we could be in the same consecrated, perfect relationship with our Father that He has been able to experience for all eternity, save for those 3 days that He was separated from the Father for our Sake!
What wonder is in His GRACE. WHAT BEAUTY in the way He regards us, cares for us, protects us. EVEN in tragedy - HE is our PROTECTOR. HE keeps us.
As I've been hearing these truths and absorbing them into my heart and mind, I've been hearing the voice of the accuser: OH, this great and merciful and graceful God that you are so excited about. Where was he for those believers that flew on the planes on 9/11/2001? Where was he in that school in Newtown, CT - all those innocent children? Where is He for the thousands, millions of innocent children who have been sexually abused - even defenseless infants, penetrated by GROWN MEN! What kind of GOD is this who you call merciful, loving, gracious and just? What KIND of GOD grants you favor when you have the gall to call and innocent child, your very own son, STUPID BOY - with fervor and great belief and anger! THIS IS the GOD who you say died on a cross for your sins and to grant HIS CHILDREN good things - a life that is abundant?!!
YES HE IS!
I believe that HIS protection, HIS grace, HIS mercy covers and is in the midst of EVERY Situation listed above - as absolutely horrible as they all might sound. In sickness and in health, in terror and in trauma, our LOVING FATHER is present. He is there. He swoops in with His everlasting arms and He holds us - YES - even the Newtown, CT children. How? I believe that He enables them to not experience the fullness of the terror in that moment - somehow, somehow...
I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that the infant is saved from the pain, the trauma of sexual abuse...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that He protected the heart and ears of my son when I spoke so viciously to him...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE that the sick and the dying and the family and friends who are witnesses to the horror of it all ARE comforted - whether in the midst or after - they are comforted by the loving hand of our mighty creator.
HIS GRACE and CARE DOES NOT END. IT IS AVAILABLE For EVERYONE, but I believe even moreso, it is available for the unprotected, the defenseless. the innocent. LORD GOD, I MUST BELIEVE or all else that I believe will simply come to naught!
Lord, as I defend your MIGHTY name, the might and beauty of who YOU ARE, please reveal to me in your word, through dreams, through preaching, whatever way you desire, to show me - to give me even more proof of what I believe. No one wants to be tested. I would hate for anything - any pain or trauma to come to Jonathan or me or any family member or friend to prove my point - and yet, my point, my trust in who YOU ARE and the majesty of your love towards us - Lord, I want people to understand that YOU ARE THERE. Simply saying YOUR ways are HIGHER than our ways -- well, that I don't believe is enough for those who do not believe - who are in the midst of struggle and travail, and can't bring themselves to even believe that you exist let alone that you are with them in their TRIAL. Your word says, CALL TO ME and I will tell you things that you do not know. In my heart I"m holding on to a belief that in ALL Things YOU DESERVE the glory and HONOR and praise and that you truly care for ALL of your creation - that YOU DESIRE THE VERY BEST and that YOU PROVED this through the death and Resurrection of your son. Tragedy rocks this truth, Lord. It rocks this truth.
I stand in faith that the blessings of Abraham - confirmed through Christ - is with Me. That right happenings are coming my way - even today. That wholeness of health in body and mind are for me and Jonathan - that their is supernatural provision and protection that is available to me for I believe that in YOU, the only SOURCE for these things, they are granted through the mighty and precious name of JESUS. I declare your goodness in all Things. Whether abased or abounding - I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS MY LORD!
Thank you Lord. Reveal more of who You ARE to me. HELP me to relate these truths. Help me to be who You need me to be. May YOU GAIN ALL the GLORY, the HONOR, and the PRAISE!!
HALLELUJAH!
The message is simple: For Those Who confess Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, Who Believe that He indeed was crucified on the cross FOR US and is NOW alive again, EVER LIVING to intercede on our behalves - WE HAVE BEEN UTTERLY and EVERLASTINGLY FORGIVEN and ARE NOW THE RIGHTEOUSNESS of GOD in CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD! In JESUS WE HAVE UNENDING GRACE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN or DONE, ALL THAT WE ARE OR DO, AND ALL THAT WE WILL BE OR DO. HIS WORK ON THE CROSS WAS A COMPLETE and FINISHED WORK. There is nothing left for us, those who believe, to do. He has done it all. ALL WE NEED TO DO IS REST IN HIM and to BASK IN HIM. TURN to Him for everything. Rely on HIM completely. There is nothing in me to enable me to be righteous, to live rightly, to treat people right, to love unconditionally, but He whose eyes are stayed on Christ, can be in PERFECT peace and can be enabled to do whatever is necessary to live a life that glorifies our risen Saviour, our Glorious and Almighty Father in Heaven.
JESUS IS ENOUGH!
No more striving to act right, be right, know right. He has granted us all that is necessary to do those things through the living person of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. REST in JESUS. Meditate on HIM. SPEAK the TRUTH of WHO I AM in HIM. BE HUMBLED by this FINISHED WORK, and SEE HOW He can do so much to HIS GLORY, PRAISE, AND HONOR through this humble resting in the majesty and beauty that is our GOD. HE IS AWESOME, HE IS GREAT, and OH HOW MUCH HE LOVES US. SO MUCH THAT HE SENT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON TO DIE A DEATH that was so atrocious, so painful, so awful, simply so that we could be in the same consecrated, perfect relationship with our Father that He has been able to experience for all eternity, save for those 3 days that He was separated from the Father for our Sake!
What wonder is in His GRACE. WHAT BEAUTY in the way He regards us, cares for us, protects us. EVEN in tragedy - HE is our PROTECTOR. HE keeps us.
As I've been hearing these truths and absorbing them into my heart and mind, I've been hearing the voice of the accuser: OH, this great and merciful and graceful God that you are so excited about. Where was he for those believers that flew on the planes on 9/11/2001? Where was he in that school in Newtown, CT - all those innocent children? Where is He for the thousands, millions of innocent children who have been sexually abused - even defenseless infants, penetrated by GROWN MEN! What kind of GOD is this who you call merciful, loving, gracious and just? What KIND of GOD grants you favor when you have the gall to call and innocent child, your very own son, STUPID BOY - with fervor and great belief and anger! THIS IS the GOD who you say died on a cross for your sins and to grant HIS CHILDREN good things - a life that is abundant?!!
YES HE IS!
I believe that HIS protection, HIS grace, HIS mercy covers and is in the midst of EVERY Situation listed above - as absolutely horrible as they all might sound. In sickness and in health, in terror and in trauma, our LOVING FATHER is present. He is there. He swoops in with His everlasting arms and He holds us - YES - even the Newtown, CT children. How? I believe that He enables them to not experience the fullness of the terror in that moment - somehow, somehow...
I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that the infant is saved from the pain, the trauma of sexual abuse...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that He protected the heart and ears of my son when I spoke so viciously to him...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE that the sick and the dying and the family and friends who are witnesses to the horror of it all ARE comforted - whether in the midst or after - they are comforted by the loving hand of our mighty creator.
HIS GRACE and CARE DOES NOT END. IT IS AVAILABLE For EVERYONE, but I believe even moreso, it is available for the unprotected, the defenseless. the innocent. LORD GOD, I MUST BELIEVE or all else that I believe will simply come to naught!
Lord, as I defend your MIGHTY name, the might and beauty of who YOU ARE, please reveal to me in your word, through dreams, through preaching, whatever way you desire, to show me - to give me even more proof of what I believe. No one wants to be tested. I would hate for anything - any pain or trauma to come to Jonathan or me or any family member or friend to prove my point - and yet, my point, my trust in who YOU ARE and the majesty of your love towards us - Lord, I want people to understand that YOU ARE THERE. Simply saying YOUR ways are HIGHER than our ways -- well, that I don't believe is enough for those who do not believe - who are in the midst of struggle and travail, and can't bring themselves to even believe that you exist let alone that you are with them in their TRIAL. Your word says, CALL TO ME and I will tell you things that you do not know. In my heart I"m holding on to a belief that in ALL Things YOU DESERVE the glory and HONOR and praise and that you truly care for ALL of your creation - that YOU DESIRE THE VERY BEST and that YOU PROVED this through the death and Resurrection of your son. Tragedy rocks this truth, Lord. It rocks this truth.
I stand in faith that the blessings of Abraham - confirmed through Christ - is with Me. That right happenings are coming my way - even today. That wholeness of health in body and mind are for me and Jonathan - that their is supernatural provision and protection that is available to me for I believe that in YOU, the only SOURCE for these things, they are granted through the mighty and precious name of JESUS. I declare your goodness in all Things. Whether abased or abounding - I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS MY LORD!
Thank you Lord. Reveal more of who You ARE to me. HELP me to relate these truths. Help me to be who You need me to be. May YOU GAIN ALL the GLORY, the HONOR, and the PRAISE!!
HALLELUJAH!
Monday, April 1, 2013
5-minute post - REJOICING IN FAITH
I have 5 minutes before I have to wake up Mr. Jonathan (who refused to lay down for a nap and basically did not fall asleep until about 45 minutes ago - I think it was the two cookies that the nice lady at the grocery store gave him:->).
Just wanted to express a few words of faith and trust in our Lord God Almighty and how utterly excited I am about how He is moving in my life and expanding my heart to know Him and all His ways. How particular He has been with me lately and how tender in my quest to stand in utter belief and trust that He is able to do the impossible. That He is being unto me like King Hezekiah - reversing the curse, not allowing my trust in Him, my desire to please Him be in vain. As he HEARD Hezekiah's prayers, He hears my prayers. As I've done those things He's led me to in this move toward a miracle that will bring Him great glory, He has reinforced my faith. It's just a joyous time. No matter the outcome. My expectancy of who He is and what He can do will never be the same. It's through the roof and I only can see it going ever higher, higher, higher.
Praise you Lord God in the Highest for You ARE worthy to be Praised and Highly Lifted Up!
Just wanted to express a few words of faith and trust in our Lord God Almighty and how utterly excited I am about how He is moving in my life and expanding my heart to know Him and all His ways. How particular He has been with me lately and how tender in my quest to stand in utter belief and trust that He is able to do the impossible. That He is being unto me like King Hezekiah - reversing the curse, not allowing my trust in Him, my desire to please Him be in vain. As he HEARD Hezekiah's prayers, He hears my prayers. As I've done those things He's led me to in this move toward a miracle that will bring Him great glory, He has reinforced my faith. It's just a joyous time. No matter the outcome. My expectancy of who He is and what He can do will never be the same. It's through the roof and I only can see it going ever higher, higher, higher.
Praise you Lord God in the Highest for You ARE worthy to be Praised and Highly Lifted Up!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Mothers & Daughters
I'm feeling a bit strange today. However, I'm gonna chalk most of it up to PMS for a menstrual cycle that will likely arrive early (not supposed to happen till April Fools Day). I'm just feeling out of sorts and a bit touchy, which is always a sure sign of PMS.
It's primarily connected to my mother. Now, because of I have the spiritual gift of perceiving (according to http://www.gifttest.org), I'm usually on the money about my impressions of a person's regard of me. So, today, what I'm feeling most from my mother is a bit of disdain and I guess jealousy. That sounds so stupid and I'm embarrassed to even write it, however, it's what I'm strongly sensing. It's also something I can weirdly identify with because it's the fear of feeling those emotions that have always made me sorta nervous about having a daughter of my own.
The emotions are related to seeing a younger version of yourself. I'm wearing an outfit today that she actually purchased for me for Christmas It's a basic runners outfit that I requested for my quest to get back into running this year. Weather has been crazy so I've done more walking than running, but the outfit will get good use. It fits me well. My mother has two particular obsessions right now about her appearance: How much weight she's losing primarily by virtue of having several surgeries, eating better, and getting older over the past couple of years and if her hair is growing. They are constants in her conversations. The other constants are complaints related to my father (I plan to do a whole series of entries on the dynamics of that relationship).
She came home today from shopping and she just sort looked me up and down as if she was really disgusted with me. She also was carrying the burden of finding out there's an issue with their Envoy that needs to be fixed and when it comes to any extra expenses that require my father to have a hand in making sure the right thing gets done, she instantly goes into a quiet rage. She doesn't trust his judgment, nor trust that whatever assessment he receives and its cost are accurate and true. She believes that he's constantly looking for ways to get money out of her and cheat her (yes, this is their marriage). So, probably some of the disgust on her face was related to her disgust of the car situation AND the fact that I"m not presently working so maybe if I were I'd be able to help out more on that end (and now I think she's getting a bit impatient with me not working). So all that put together and you get: Disdain, Disdain, Disdain.
Throw in this runners outfit and my badly need a relaxer hair which makes it appear fuller than it is (it's been thinning lately - sad, sad for me -- i feel her pain on that front) and, well, it's just really uncomfortable being around her today.
And like I said above, this sort of thing is something I can imagine a lot of older moms feel around their daughters. Seeing your youth in their faces but you now in your latter years. I suppose if you are living a fulfilling life, in a happy, thriving marriage, or if widowed or divorced, really enjoying time with family, friends and yourself, then those kind of ugly emotions wouldn't rear their head as strongly as I'm experiencing with my mom right now. However, she is severely unhappy with her marriage, severely suspicious of most family and friends (everyone has an agenda and is out to use her) and severely unhappy with her own self-image, the choices she's made, and I believe, in many ways, the God she serves.
She's lived a hard life. I'll go into that in later blog entries. And the hardness of the situations that she's lived through has caused a sort of hardening on the inside. True joy belies here. I see glimpses of it with Jonathan and sometimes when she spends time with a couple of girlfriends that she likes and respects. But she's starved for affection, tangible acts of love from a man who cares for her with all is heart and mind and doesn't have a divided heart - a man she can trust, or who is at least repentant for the wrongs she feels have been enacted against her by him (my dad). She's living in a shell of pain, regret, resentment, anger and contempt and they all touch her interactions with others - especially those in her immediate circle.
My prayer for her is RELEASE. Release from all the internal pain and unrest, and that the Lord pour out in her heart His love, His devotion, His care. That she have a renewed longing to be in fellowship with other believers (for her church has disappointed her to the extent that she no longer wants to attend any church or even really pick up her Bible, save for the 60 minutes of study time that takes place with the Senior Citizens Bible Study on Tuesdays). However, what's most needed is simply fellowship with the Father. To be refreshed and renewed by Him, and, through His love, be able to forgive my father and others who have hurt her, and move forward with compassion and empathy for their weaknesses. To be able to pray for them rather than condemn them. To release them to the Father so that He can work out a plan of redemption in their lives.
That's my prayer.
For now, I'll avoid her as much as possible:-), and pray that the prayer I submitted yesterday about being gentle in my responses to her is answered- whenever we do, by chance, run into each other during the course of the day.
Oh - gonna leave with this question to you, Lord: On acceptance to RU, maybe I should move into a place with me and Jonathan? Can you let me know what you think about that?:-) Thanks!!
It's primarily connected to my mother. Now, because of I have the spiritual gift of perceiving (according to http://www.gifttest.org), I'm usually on the money about my impressions of a person's regard of me. So, today, what I'm feeling most from my mother is a bit of disdain and I guess jealousy. That sounds so stupid and I'm embarrassed to even write it, however, it's what I'm strongly sensing. It's also something I can weirdly identify with because it's the fear of feeling those emotions that have always made me sorta nervous about having a daughter of my own.
The emotions are related to seeing a younger version of yourself. I'm wearing an outfit today that she actually purchased for me for Christmas It's a basic runners outfit that I requested for my quest to get back into running this year. Weather has been crazy so I've done more walking than running, but the outfit will get good use. It fits me well. My mother has two particular obsessions right now about her appearance: How much weight she's losing primarily by virtue of having several surgeries, eating better, and getting older over the past couple of years and if her hair is growing. They are constants in her conversations. The other constants are complaints related to my father (I plan to do a whole series of entries on the dynamics of that relationship).
She came home today from shopping and she just sort looked me up and down as if she was really disgusted with me. She also was carrying the burden of finding out there's an issue with their Envoy that needs to be fixed and when it comes to any extra expenses that require my father to have a hand in making sure the right thing gets done, she instantly goes into a quiet rage. She doesn't trust his judgment, nor trust that whatever assessment he receives and its cost are accurate and true. She believes that he's constantly looking for ways to get money out of her and cheat her (yes, this is their marriage). So, probably some of the disgust on her face was related to her disgust of the car situation AND the fact that I"m not presently working so maybe if I were I'd be able to help out more on that end (and now I think she's getting a bit impatient with me not working). So all that put together and you get: Disdain, Disdain, Disdain.
Throw in this runners outfit and my badly need a relaxer hair which makes it appear fuller than it is (it's been thinning lately - sad, sad for me -- i feel her pain on that front) and, well, it's just really uncomfortable being around her today.
And like I said above, this sort of thing is something I can imagine a lot of older moms feel around their daughters. Seeing your youth in their faces but you now in your latter years. I suppose if you are living a fulfilling life, in a happy, thriving marriage, or if widowed or divorced, really enjoying time with family, friends and yourself, then those kind of ugly emotions wouldn't rear their head as strongly as I'm experiencing with my mom right now. However, she is severely unhappy with her marriage, severely suspicious of most family and friends (everyone has an agenda and is out to use her) and severely unhappy with her own self-image, the choices she's made, and I believe, in many ways, the God she serves.
She's lived a hard life. I'll go into that in later blog entries. And the hardness of the situations that she's lived through has caused a sort of hardening on the inside. True joy belies here. I see glimpses of it with Jonathan and sometimes when she spends time with a couple of girlfriends that she likes and respects. But she's starved for affection, tangible acts of love from a man who cares for her with all is heart and mind and doesn't have a divided heart - a man she can trust, or who is at least repentant for the wrongs she feels have been enacted against her by him (my dad). She's living in a shell of pain, regret, resentment, anger and contempt and they all touch her interactions with others - especially those in her immediate circle.
My prayer for her is RELEASE. Release from all the internal pain and unrest, and that the Lord pour out in her heart His love, His devotion, His care. That she have a renewed longing to be in fellowship with other believers (for her church has disappointed her to the extent that she no longer wants to attend any church or even really pick up her Bible, save for the 60 minutes of study time that takes place with the Senior Citizens Bible Study on Tuesdays). However, what's most needed is simply fellowship with the Father. To be refreshed and renewed by Him, and, through His love, be able to forgive my father and others who have hurt her, and move forward with compassion and empathy for their weaknesses. To be able to pray for them rather than condemn them. To release them to the Father so that He can work out a plan of redemption in their lives.
That's my prayer.
For now, I'll avoid her as much as possible:-), and pray that the prayer I submitted yesterday about being gentle in my responses to her is answered- whenever we do, by chance, run into each other during the course of the day.
Oh - gonna leave with this question to you, Lord: On acceptance to RU, maybe I should move into a place with me and Jonathan? Can you let me know what you think about that?:-) Thanks!!
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