Mothers & Daughters

I'm feeling a bit strange today.  However, I'm gonna chalk most of it up to PMS for a menstrual cycle that will likely arrive early (not supposed to happen till April Fools Day).  I'm just feeling out of sorts and a bit touchy, which is always a sure sign of PMS.

It's primarily connected to my mother.  Now, because of I have the spiritual gift of perceiving (according to http://www.gifttest.org), I'm usually on the money about my impressions of a person's regard of me.  So, today, what I'm feeling most from my mother is a bit of disdain and I guess jealousy.  That sounds so stupid and I'm embarrassed to even write it, however, it's what I'm strongly sensing.  It's also something I can weirdly identify with because it's the fear of feeling those emotions that have always made me sorta nervous about having a daughter of my own.

The emotions are related to seeing a younger version of yourself.  I'm wearing an outfit today that she actually purchased for me for Christmas   It's a basic runners outfit that I requested for my quest to get back into running this year.  Weather has been crazy so I've done more walking than running, but the outfit will get good use. It fits me well.  My mother has two particular obsessions right now about her appearance:  How much weight she's losing primarily by virtue of having several surgeries, eating better, and getting older over the past couple of years and if her hair is growing.  They are constants in her conversations. The other constants are complaints related to my father (I plan to do a whole series of entries on the dynamics of that relationship).

She came home today from shopping and she just sort looked me up and down as if she was really disgusted with me.  She also was carrying the burden of finding out there's an issue with their Envoy that needs to be fixed and when it comes to any extra expenses that require my father to have a hand in making sure the right thing gets done, she instantly goes into a quiet rage. She doesn't trust his judgment, nor trust that whatever assessment he receives and its cost are accurate and true.  She believes that he's constantly looking for ways to get money out of her and cheat her (yes, this is their marriage).  So, probably some of the disgust on her face was related to her disgust of the car situation AND the fact that I"m not presently working so maybe if I were I'd be able to help out more on that end (and now I think she's getting a bit impatient with me not working).  So all that put together and you get:  Disdain, Disdain, Disdain.

Throw in this runners outfit and my badly need a relaxer hair which makes it appear fuller than it is (it's been thinning lately - sad, sad for me -- i feel her pain on that front) and, well, it's just really uncomfortable being around her today.

And like I said above, this sort of thing is something I can imagine a lot of older moms feel around their daughters. Seeing your youth in their faces but you now in your latter years.  I suppose if you are living a fulfilling life, in a happy, thriving marriage, or if widowed or divorced, really enjoying time with family, friends and yourself, then those kind of ugly emotions wouldn't rear their head as strongly as I'm experiencing with my mom right now. However, she is severely unhappy with her marriage, severely suspicious of most family and friends (everyone has an agenda and is out to use her) and severely unhappy with her own self-image, the choices she's made, and I believe, in many ways, the God she serves.

She's lived a hard life. I'll go into that in later blog entries.  And the hardness of the situations that she's lived through has caused a sort of hardening on the inside.  True joy belies here. I see glimpses of it with Jonathan and sometimes when she spends time with a couple of girlfriends that she likes and respects.  But she's starved for affection, tangible acts of love from a man who cares for her with all is heart and mind and doesn't have a divided heart - a man she can trust, or who is at least repentant for the wrongs she feels have been enacted against her by him (my dad).  She's living in a shell of pain, regret, resentment, anger and contempt and they all touch her interactions with others - especially those in her immediate circle.

My prayer for her is RELEASE.  Release from all the internal pain and unrest, and that the Lord pour out in her heart His love, His devotion, His care.  That she have a renewed longing to be in fellowship with other believers (for her church has disappointed her to the extent that she no longer wants to attend any church or even really pick up her Bible, save for the 60 minutes of study time that takes place with the Senior Citizens Bible Study on Tuesdays).  However, what's most needed is simply fellowship with the Father.  To be refreshed and renewed by Him, and, through His love, be able to forgive my father and others who have hurt her, and move forward with compassion and empathy for their weaknesses. To be able to pray for them rather than condemn them.  To release them to the Father so that He can work out a plan of redemption in their lives.

That's my prayer.

For now, I'll avoid her as much as possible:-), and pray that the prayer I submitted yesterday about being gentle in my responses to her is answered- whenever we do, by chance, run into each other during the course of the day.

Oh - gonna leave with this question to you, Lord:  On acceptance to RU, maybe I should move into a place with me and Jonathan?  Can you let me know what you think about that?:-)  Thanks!!