Well, I turned 46 on May 15th. Four more years till the big 5-0. Four more years for the Lord to get me in step with who I am in Him and who He is in me. However, I'm utterly amazed at how circumstances have turned so that this work He needs to do gets done. Utterly amazed. And the circumstances did not arise solely for me. They arose, I believe, for my whole family - for all who observe and know my family - and ultimately - for His glory.
So, the day before my birthday, May 14th, my father had a freakish, 6 AM fall out of the bed. He was struggling to wake up and in his fitful sleep he fell. He fell and his full of arthritis body, particularly in the neck area, did not conform too well to the fall. He suffered an injury to the cervical area of his spine. Some vertebrae compressed the spinal area and he ended up having surgery to alleviate the compression and then spent 3 weeks in ICU and is now at an acute rehab facility in West Orange, NJ: Kessler Rehabilitation Institute (Christopher Reeve and Luther Vandross were treated there). Currently, he cannot walk. Can't feed himself. Can't really use his arms. Has minimal movement in his hands. Praise God - he is alive. Praise God - there's been vast improvements already since the initial injury. Praise God- He is moving in my father's life and in our family's life as a result of this incident. It had to happen, I believe, for God to heal what really needs to be healed in our family. My dad's injury is a metaphor for all that's immobile, fixed, and needs to be moved in our lives:
Resentment
Anger
Contempt
Fear
Anxiety
Fear
Selfishness
Self-Centeredness
Unforgiveness
Loneliness
Fear
Fear
And more Fear...
God is moving. He is moving. He is delivering. He is changing. He is moving.
My simple prayer is that my dad walks out of Kessler. I believe he will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that my mom with be delivered of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, anger. I believe she will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that I will be delivered of fear, self-centerdness, selfishness. I believe I will. God is moving.
God is moving.
In His ever mysterious ways.
For instance, last weekend I attended a Woman's Tea. Zarida, a good, Christ-Centered friend, one of the organizers, invited me and my mom as her personal guests. Living on a savings budget me LOVED that. So we went. We enjoyed it - IMMENSELY. We learned a lot. The Esther Project is all about empowering women through a 6-month plan, similar to the preparation Esther experienced before she met the King (open your Bible and read the story of Esther in the Old Testament; great read!).
Early months concentrate on improving you - your skin, your environment, your thoughts, prayer life, etc.. Other months are about extending yourself to others. It's a great program. Seeing that July 1 was a Monday and this is the start to the second half of the year - exactly 6 months - I decided to start the program today. I did a purge of gunk in my living space, finishing tomorrow with further stripping of an already stripped closet. Fortunately, the Lord moved me to do a lot of improvements right after I left IBM, earlier in the year, so this recent purging wasn't a hardship. And I love living anal-neat, so that also made it easy. However, oh how liberating it is to have stuff in even tighter, ship-shop shape. Thank you Esther Project.
Also, last week, Christine Johnson and I met for lovely convo and lunch in NYC. A great day and a great convo. I knew that Christine sold Arbonne. I thought when she reached out to me on LinkedIN to meet for lunch to "catch up" that she might ask me about joining Arbonne as a consultant. Hey, clearly she could see from my profile that I'm currently not working. I think there was something in me that wanted her to extend the offer. Some kind of readiness to receive such an offer.
Holy Spirit?
In the wake of our meeting, I've been researching everything I can about Network Marketing. I sent her hard questions. She provided great answers. We're meeting again tomorrow. I'm gonna drive 90+ minutes to do so. I'm afraid to really, truly do this, but there's no dread. I'm experiencing more of a healthy, this is gonna stretch you to the hilt fear...this is gonna make you step out of your comfort zone fear...this might actually make you do stuff you said you would never, could never do. Why? God wants to do it through you. He wants to show up in power in this thing. Are you gonna let him do it?
I'm not sure -- though, I guess I'm leaning toward...yeah.
So, what's the main thing I'm afraid of? Prospecting. Building my network and doing the actual presentations. Going into people's homes or where ever I might have to go to do the presentations. Having to get people to consider consulting for Arbonne. All the start-up work involved. All the work involved with maintaining and sustaining a team
And yet, I see possibilities for a more authentic and actualized life. I see Jakin Sanctuary Foundation and Retreat Center finally coming to be. I see a season living in Paris with Jonathan and being able to send him to the best school for him in NYC during his primary years. I see God Almighty showing up for me big time to do in me and through me what I could never achieve on my own - similar to IBM, but this time using a platform that makes a hell of a lot more sense to me - supporting a product that makes more sense and where I can tangibly understand it's benefits to our customers - and can articulate those benefits. I could never do that in IT. I was always so lost. But, but, but for His grace. And yet again, if I purse Arbonne, but, but, but For His Grace - with icing of clarity on top.
And truth be told - I'm so tired of living afraid, especially of people. I'm having to wrestle a lot with that part of myself dealing with my dad and mother - having to stand up for them in different situations - stuff I'm totally not used to. I hate confrontation of any kind and I get this strong feeling in my spirit that the Lord wants me free of this fear, i.e., of exerting myself a bit more - of reaching out a bit more. It's interesting to me that both Arbonne and The Esther Project came my way in the same week. I see great synergy in the timing and placement of both of them in my life. It's like confirmation of what I've been sensing from the Lord the past month. It's time for me to get out of my shell, while still being me, but a more actualized, authentic and courageous me. He's got things He wants to do through me, but if keep hiding behind my loner self, they're not gonna get done. If not for my Father's accident, I might not have hit the need for this change in such a strong way - but the current situation demands more of ME. Jonathan does too, as I'm raising him alone. A cowering mother he does not deserve.
So, here is my spring/early summer. With all that is crazy, there is an abiding, underlying peace that is sustaining. God is moving. He is in charge. I can trust Him and lean on Him. I shall not be moved. I shall not be dismayed. He's working His mysterious thing in my life, in my family's life. And guess what:
We're all the better for it.
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