Scripture Reading for Phase 1: Esther and Proverbs (read a chapter a day)
So, I mentioned in this post that I plan to complete The Esther Project in the second half of 2013. I started Phase 1, Mastering the Fundamentals, on Monday, July 1. Did some nice de-cluttering and didn't have to do much for week 1's step of "Pamper your sleep" cause my bedroom is already what I want it to be - simply ideal:-). So, I'm doing my scriptural reading for the month (a chapter of Proverbs each day) and skipped a week into Week 3's "Pamper your skin" routine by using my Arbonne RE9 skin care products, which are INCREDIBLE. As part of my new consultant gig, I'll need to set up a monthly automatic delivery of Arbonne products that total at least $150. That will be pretty easy - only half of the RE9 stuff I want will make that number:-/. However, I expect to eventually be able to order all that I want of Arbonne without any hesitation, on a monthly basis, because of how the Lord will bless me in this new work, blessing me to be a blessing, so that He is TREMENDOUSLY GLORIFIED through the work He is doing in and through me. I am excited and full of great expectation. The 2nd week of Phase 1 will be Pamper your teeth and the last week is "Back to basics", which is simply making sure I have a set routine to handle all this self-care stuff (skin, hair, sleep, etc.).
I'm enjoying Proverbs. "The principle thing is wisdom. So get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding." Deep - and so necessary for me to hear...wisdom speaking...understanding needing.
Though I hear a lot and I've lived a lot, in all that hearing and living, I've received gags of wisdom, gags of knowledge, but only a smidgen of understanding. Thus, my life has repeated many of the same foibles over and over again, to my shame and regret. I'm 46 years old, but feel stunted mentally in the late teens/early 20's era of thinking. It's no coincidence that I had a child so late in age and under the circumstances that I did. The lack of understanding of myself and the ways of the world and men enabled me to be in a position to sleep with a man I should not have and to simply sleep with a man before marriage - but it also was such that mentally I was not truly ready for the Lord to open the door to use me in the role of mother until I was almost 44. I guess by then I had at least a modicum of understanding that He could leverage to ensure I do indeed raise this boy in the admonition of the Lord. However, so much much much more understanding do I need.
In all your getting, get understanding.
The word is clear in James about how easy it is to get wisdom. Ask for it. And ask without doubting. God will respond and give it! Without reproach. No need to feel ashamed to ask for wisdom. It is His great desire to grant us all that we need and more. I just need to receive it with open arms and not doubt that He IS delivering it. And yet - Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - grant me more understanding so that I can apply this wisdom rightly.
I'm gonna need it so very much in the coming years, God willing - for my parents, and especially for Jonathan...for this new business-owner career that I'm walking into - the mighty Angels of the Lord protecting me on all sides - God's grace and mercy covering me - His favor going before me. I need wisdom and understanding to navigate and negotiate all that is before me. I need it because I believe it's having a deep abiding wisdom in the things of God and trusting that understanding of who He is in this world and in my life that will enable me to take my hands off my life - to feel safe enough in His care and provision to not try to do all that needs to be done in my own flesh and limited power and ability. I can't. I can only do all things in Christ Jesus my Lord. I can do nothing without him. Lack of wisdom - lack of understanding of this truth has caused me so many missteps, so much stress and anxiety, regret and angst. I so want to be done with that way of living.
Wisdom and understanding also ushers in peace and removes fear:
21 My son, let them not depart from your eyes—
Keep sound wisdom and discretion;
22 So they will be life to your soul
And grace to your neck.
23 Then you will walk safely in your way,
And your foot will not stumble.
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.
25 Do not be afraid of sudden terror,
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;
26 For the Lord will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.
And if there is one thing that I need in my life, it is peace and the absence of the kind of fear and terror which has traveled throughout most of my life, but especially over the last 8 years or so. I want to be free.
It is Your word and Your presence - it is seeking You above all things - that will set me free.
And finally anger and impatience. This stuff that riles up in me and causes me to sound like my mother when I was growing up. I don't want that for Jonathan. Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me in this weakness. I find myself sighing all the time, rolling my eyes, irritated. Why? He's just being 2. Now, yes, Jonathan is a bit more rambunctious and hyper - he has some attention issues -- he is a handful, as Barbara, his speech therapist puts it - so, in general, I'm not totally loosing my mind with him unnecessarily - but I've got to be more loving in my correction, more gentle. Yet, I can't Lord. Not in my own power can I. I have the old scripts that start running like automatic. I hate it and I know You do, too. So, I repent and hand that gunk over to You, believing that through the awesome power of the Holy Spirit-man in me, You are gonna change me. And what I'm really grateful for now is that you've placed this special something in Jonathan - as sensitive as he is - where my groans and "What are you doing, Jonathan?!"'s and my "What is wrong with you, Jonathan?!"'s, and three stooges slaps against his head (yup - Lord please forgive me) have somehow rolled off his back. He's 2 - stuff like that usually does roll off 2 year old backs. They don't have the capacity to store much of their parent's craziness in their memory banks when they're that age. There's not much of anything I remember before say age 4. So, with that said, I suppose that the Lord has 2 years to get me in shape so that I can rebuke and correct this boy without having a conniption fit - AND I can know when correction is truly necessary - not just fly off my anal-retentive handle whenever it feels warranted to do so.
God I truly need HELP!
Okay - I guess I had to get that out - again (I posted about this issue with Jonathan in the past). Nonetheless, I'll keep posting till I'm right for Jonathan in the way the Lord needs me to be -
for Jonathan is, without question, the greatest gift I have ever received short of salvation in Christ.
So, this is my phase 1, Esther Project Entry. I might come back again later in the month, but if not, I'll post again for Esther in the 2nd phase that starts in August: Living on Purpose.
Oh, one last thing. I'm supposed to answer two questions about the book of Esther:
What inspires you about Esther's story and which of her qualities do I possess or desire?
Her courage in a time of crisis and her poise. There was a calm, thoughtfulness about her actions in the wake of Hamman's decree and the request that Mordecai made of her. I love that. I've longed to be able to carry myself in that same way - to step out boldly, knowing God is on my side - to do what appears to be the impossible - and to take those steps in a way that's graceful, poised, and steady. She was so methodical, yet gentle in her approach with the King. How I want that in my interactions with those already in my life and with whom i will meet. I actually see this in Christine's life. Thank you for placing Christine in my life as a real life example of what I long to become - just the Kim-unique version of poise and self-contained control. Lord, help me to get there through You, Your word, The Esther Project and Arbonne - through Your mighty working power operating in me and in the circumstances and people around me.
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