Anyway, so I read this G. Union article and she pointed out how a good friend of hers who is a life and fitness coach, called her to task on some of her dysfunctional behaviors. She talked about how she had a penchant for putting other women down - gossiping - and that her friend made her realize how petty it was and that if she really examined the behavior she would realize that she had never cultivated how to talk about anything else. Ouch. Talk about uncovering someone's shallowness!
The life coach friend then suggested that Gabriel write down a list of the 10 things that she like to do...that brought her joy. G. Union had trouble writing this list, and when she did, she included imitation crab meat as one of the things. Her life coach friend pointed out that this was an indication of how Gabby had a penchant for fake and counterfeit things - that she couldn't even enjoy REAL crab meat. Another telling insight.
Gabby eventually was able to write that list - and confront her shallow ways and take the steps to start becoming a more whole, self-actualized, complete and fulfilled woman. And now she's in a great relationship with a man she loves, helping him to raise his sons, who she also loves, on a great new tv show, that she enjoys, and ready to actually have babies herself. Also, she was willing to speak openly about all her weaknesses at an awards ceremony where she was celebrated for her courage - noting that real courage is being able to admit when you really do NOT have it all together.
So, my blog continuously points out how NOT together I am. I gladly roll around in my weaknesses and boast about them like a pig rolling around in wet, gooey, nasty mud. If I didn't, I would absolutely lose my mind.
And yet, I honestly think, like G. Union, I would have trouble writing down what I truly, truly enjoy. The top 10 things. In a minute, I will try, but I also want to talk about some additional words of truth from Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love".
She noted in an interview how she responded to a woman about what she would need to do to pursue her hearts desire and discover her true self in the way that Elizabeth did during her mid-life search for meaning. Elizabeth asked the woman: "Do you remember when you went off the trail?" or words along those lines. She says whenever she asks a woman that they all instantly recall the trail and when they fell off it. For the woman in question, she said it happened when she stopped ice-skating at the age of 14. So, she was now in her 40's and basically had spent 30+ years not feeling the energy and exhilaration of something that brought her much joy.
It made me think about my own trail. It was hard to pinpoint it - and weirdly, I was feeling a bit of shame about not being able to say that I'm PRESENTLY on my trail because I have Jonathan now and he is a significant part of this phase of my life - the current trail that I'm on - shouldn't that be thrilling and fulfilling - exhilarating?
It is - and yet, Jonathan is only on loan to me. The Lord birthed him through me so that He could care for him through me and develop in Jonathan the life that He ordained before time that Jonathan would live to His glory. When Jonathan eventually steps into his life with Christ as an adult, and God-willing I'm still around, where will the I that's still around be - will I have put everything on hold so that once I can step back on that trail, it would have been rerouted to a dead end, filled with pot holes and basically too dangerous to tread?
So, I need to know now. What was that trail? Where was that last place where I felt the truest sense of myself? A place of freedom and unmistakable peace - a sort of knowing that settled me and gave me a sense of wonder and joy?
And the thing that came to me was my trip to the London and Paris, 4 years ago, November 2009. That trip was a last minute decision and then quickly pulled together agenda wise - but it was truly magical. I spent part of it with Lolita, but very little. Most of the trip was me, myself and I and those two beautiful cities.
That one day trip to Paris is still hands down the most magical day of my life, outside of seeing Jonathan for the first time after birth. It still gives me goosebumps. And there wasn't anything special about what I did. It was just the wonder of experiencing that beautiful city for the very first time and how the Lord managed to make the journey there on the train so enchanting and then each and every succeeding step - from one end of the city to the other - astounding and abounding with ever increasing awesomeness and beauty. It was just amazing. I felt so free, so in the moment.
And then I can think of that very first day in London and seeing Trafalgar Square on sunny a midday and then having that delicious dinner in Chinatown. The tranquility and peace of that Monday afternoon to early evening. And the last day - walking beside Hyde Park, wondrously overcast - so serene - the hint of ancient Christmases from the past in the air. Just a wonderful, wonderful week.
I traveled to Paris again that spring of 2010. It was an amazing trip. Just amazing. Yet, it pales in comparison to that week in November. That single day in Paris. The two things that stick out the most for me about the Paris trip were probably the most uneventful parts of my time there with Sandy; That lazy afternoon in her friend's apartment overlooking the city of Maastrict and that lazy afternoon lounging and dozing beside the fountain at the park near the Louvre. Those are truly my highlights of that trip. We DID A LOT - and yet those two things stand out for me. Both were about truly, simply being in the moment and basking in the sheer, unmitigated beauty of my surroundings. Sort of like that forced week of vacation we all had to take in Poughkeepsie in July of I believe 2001. Every day I drove to Cold Springs, pulled out my lounge chair, my Bible, and my journal and just sat next to the boat dock area, the clang clang of the boats hitting the dock and the tranquility of the Hudson River in the background. Lazily, lazily, living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me.
So, those are the things that give me joy: living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me. Unfortunately, doing those things does not put bread on the table. It might bring me great solace and peace, but no bank.
However, God is the God of all wisdom and power. By identifying my joy - maybe, just maybe, He has a way of translating that into a career - a vocation.
Or maybe He has.
I'm not exactly sure how this whole idea of marriage and family being a vocation dovetails with "basking in the beauty all around me" and "being in the moment". But maybe it does. Maybe the Lord is calling me to simply, sit, relax, and enjoy the beauty of those He has has placed in my life - to see their inherent beauty and worth - to soak it in and to celebrate it in my heart. To find a solace and peace in simply doing that, and ignoring everything we don't see when we are in that moment of beholding all that is beautiful. For example, during that one day in Paris, I didn't notice harsh words spoken by folks walking beside me or in the distance, the fact that it was a bit nippy outside, any garbage or unsightly stuff on the streets, rudeness, discomfort on the coach train ride home (well, I did notice the discomfort on the ride home, but I was still in my cloud of appreciation of the day, so it didn't bother me that much). When I was in London, I didn't notice as much how awful my hotel room was (definitely not my usual standards) or that I had to spend time with a travel companion (which up to that point I usually avoided with a passion) or the length of the bus ride to see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. When I was in Maastrict, I didn't get as bothered by the ugly B&B or the walk to Sandy's friend's place from the B & B or how ugly Amsterdam (our first stop) was.
Being in the moment and basking in the beauty all around manages to get your eyes of the ugly. So, if my vocation is TRULY this whole marriage/family thing, that must be what the Lord is endeavoring to get me to practice - not just on travel journeys, but in my day to day life. To not worry about tomorrow, but enjoy today - to seek His kingdom and righteousness - in those around me - in my mother, my father, Jonathan - and eventually this man guy I'm supposed to share my life with - a life I really do not want to share.
Help me Lord. Money is running out and there is no real, concrete answer to a different vocation other than the one you've spoken to me. I'm having a hard time embracing it and really wanting something else - still wanting something else. I need you to help me to embrace it whole heartily - with joy and abandon. To give it my all, without complaint and dread. I really am desperate to meet this man I'm supposed to build life and love with - who can be a real dad to Jonathan. And yet, i know also that I have to get in a spot of knowing what it is I really, truly like so that I'm calling on you to fulfill it, rather than this man - or anyone else - none of who have the capacity to do so.
So, here's my list (yeah, I'm getting to it now). The things I really, truly like:
- Jonathan's smile and his giggles. There is NOTHING better.
- Kay's smile - which he gives so infrequently as to almost be an endangered species.
- A really good meal at a quaint, local spot like Sophie's Bistro.
- A great dessert - like that chocolate cocoa cola cake at Cracker Barrel.
- Evening strolls on moonlit nights when the weather is not too cold or too hot.
- A really good book that I have a hard time putting down - whether non-fiction or fiction.
- The Lord speaking to me through a scripture, a sermon, a devotion - just clearly hearing His voice giving me a right now, rhema word.
- House Hunters - and dreaming of owning my own home again - of truly dwelling and living in that home richly, with my family - not as a museum, like the house I had in Alabama.
- Talking to God - even in complaint, griping, moping, grumbling - just having the freedom to come to Him, the only one who accepts me for exactly who I am right at that moment.
- Basking in the beauty all around me and simply being in that enchanted moment - typically occurs when I'm in a foreign city or in a new town or part of town that I've never seen before OR a place that go to time and time again to be refreshed.
When it comes to 10, I see that one of the things that I miss is having that place to go to over and over again to be refreshed. I don't have that here in NJ. I've had it pretty much everywhere in my adult life. In Jersey City it was Pavonia Newport and simply my running in the early mornings - especially my Sunday morning runs.
In Poughkeepsie it was Esopus Lighthouse and Cold Springs.
In Alabama it was the lovely and enchanting Botanical Gardens, Homewood and English Village.
In NJ - nada.
I need that place. I wonder if by having it, I would then be in a much better place emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I need it. Lord, can you lead me to it. Where is this place that I can go....
New Hope and Lambertville. Yup. That's it. How could I forget. I was just there on Monday. And indeed, time stands still for me there. It just does.
I'll make sure to travel to those towns a lot more often in the coming weeks...
No comments:
Post a Comment