(See part I here: http://but-for-his-grace.blogspot.com/2012/12/end-to-beginning.html)
So...12/14/12 was not my last day at IBM.
It's funny. I had resigned last fall with everything set for me to end my tenure at IBM on 12/14 (with two weeks vacation to take me to the end of the year). At the same time that I resigned, my division enforced this new initiative to move all full-time work at home employees to within 20 miles of a main site OR have the employee get swapped into a position based at one of those sites (Poughkeepsie, NY, Raleigh, NC, Rochester, MN and Austin, TX). Since I knew I was leaving at the end of the year, I didn't want to get swapped into a job in POK (thus allowing me to continue working from home) nor did I want to move back to the area just until the end of the year. Even though my manager knew I was leaving, she wanted to try to do a swap so that she could replace me with a US worker. As it stands now, whenever anyone leaves our division, they're back-filling with inexperienced hires from India. However, to my joy (and her regret), she was unable to swap me into a job in POK. She knew how much I really wanted to move on, so told me she would work out a plan for me to get a severance package, which would essentially be like getting laid off. That would also allow me to get unemployment. I was happy with that plan. I had only expected to leave with my savings and 401K. So, the idea of being able to collect unemployment - the first time I've ever done so - gave me a sense of comfort.
I also started the process of applying to PhD programs and preparing for the GMAT. However, I took the GMAT twice, the last time on 12/29, and my scores were not the best. I started to get nervous about my "future plans". The plans I really shouldn't have had because when I originally felt the assurance I should leave IBM, back in the spirng of last year, the word to me was clearly that I needed to leave without having any real understanding what I would do and to rely solely on the Lord to provide for Jonathan and I as He led me to that next thing. But I'm a planner, so I had to get a plan in place, and the pursuit of a PhD made the most sense. It also was a cushion from questions about "Well, what are you going to do?" or "Do you really want to leave a good paying job with benefits when you have a small child to take care of??"
So, here I was at the start of the year, nervous about what's ahead - and at the start of the year still not out of IBM. Why? A week before what was supposed to be my last day, my manager informed me that HR wouldn't give her clearance to process me out until after she was able to give me my PBC (personal business commitments) rating for the year. PBCs are what our yearly bonuses and pay increases are based on. I was okay with that, just one or two weeks more of being with the company wasn't a big deal.
However, when we came back from the Christmas break, my manager asked if she could call me. I said sure. I was nervous that she was gonna tell me that the severance and "layoff" plan was off the table. At this point I had factored that money into my post-IBM budget. Again, trying to take care of things according to a defined plan.
Well, instead she proposed that I stay on as the Editor for the team - a new role that would be implemented because of all the India writers coming on board - and because the content of the US writers hadn't been officially edited in about 5 years (no funding for an editor). The role would also include pulling together an official quality plan and some other work. I was like: "I thought Heather (an official, trained editor) was gonna take on that role". Her response: Heather is resigning. She won't be with us as of January 18. She's gonna pursue her dream of getting a degree in Biology and working with animals."
I was a confused mess. This is almost exactly what happened back in 2004 when I tried to resign while on leave with Habitat for Humanity. I resigned and then right before my manager had to process the paper work he was like "Why don't we extend your leave a little longer so you can make sure you really want to leave." Now, at that time, the Lord supernaturally made it very clear I should return and I did. However, this time, in all my praying to get a clear understanding of what the heck was going on...why I could not seem to get clear and free of this company when, in the past year, 4 other team members had left without issue, I received no clear direction from the Lord. The silence left me that much more confused. On top of that, I was still under stress about the GMAT scores and the likelihood that I would not be accepted into a PhD program. So, without any clear word from God after about 5 days of prayer and pondering, I told Laura I would take the job. Did I want to be an editor? No. Had I ever, in my almost 16 years with the company want to be an editor? No. But I was feeling that it was a foolish move to not at least try the job. It felt like what I SHOULD do.
Nonetheless, after a week of sleepless nights and not being happy with my decision to stay, I went back to my manager and told her that I couldn't take the job and re-resigned. Of course, now the severance and lay off are off the table. Now, I would be leaving like I felt that I was supposed to leave in April of 2012: Not really knowing what's ahead, with just my savings and maybe the ability to withdrawal a bit off the top of my 401k to hold me over until whatever I'm supposed to be doing next materializes.
And that is the story as of today, 2/1/13. 1/31/13 was my last official day as an IBMer. It's so surreal. I feel like I'm just on vacation or on another leave of absence and that eventually I'll return to the same ole same ole. No - not this time. This is for real. 16 years of my life - a vast chunk of my life - especially these past almost 8, intense years, are now history. There will be no new IBM memories - no new stresses or strains - worries or concerns - griping and mumbling - seeking and striving to get out of dodge. I AM OUT OF DODGE.
Lord have mercy! What have I done!?
A good thing. The best thing. An exciting, LORD OF MERCY, thing!
My words for this year:
Psalm 63:3 - Your unfailing love is better than life itself. How I will praise you all the days of my life.
Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord WHATEVER you do and He WILL ESTABLISH YOUR PLANS
Provers 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART, Kim - DO NOT lean on your own understanding. ACKNOWLEDGE HIM in all that you do, Kim and HE WILL DIRECT your path.
PRAISE HIM
COMMIT MYSELF TO HIM
TRUST HIM
In this year ahead I will be tested to do all of these things and to BELIEVE and not be unbelieving that He has a purpose in all this and that He will enable me to discern it and walk it out. That He remembers the giving He has enabled me to do and that He will allow Jonathan and I to reap a harvest of vineyards that I did not plant, houses that I did not build. He will provide for me and Jonathan out of the riches of HIS GLORY IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD. I have to stand on the word to me that to walk away from what doesn't make sense to walk away from during a time that it doesn't make sense to take that walk is because I can trust that by obediently going out into the deep, HE WILL Bless me to bring in a large haul. I will. I shall. I can!
Let the adventure begin!
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