So, this is my first week away from IBM and I feel even more stressed than I did before I left. This was supposed to be the beginning of my time of rest - at least giving my mind some rest. However, it still is churning, churning, churning...running, running, running.
I felt led to be an online group leader for our church's 40-Day Bible Challenge. It's turning out to be a CHALLENGE for me. Some members having to drop before we even start because of technical issues. I have my own concerns about being able to connect properly so folks can hear me. And I simply have my typical anxiety and worries about leading a group, facilitating the discussion. I have to believe and keep reminding myself that it's not me that will be facilitating, leading - it's the Lord God Almighty using me to do what needs to be done - He will be present and in control. I just need to surrender to His leadership. Lord help me, Help me, HELP ME! to remember that and to NOT lean on my own, faulty, anxious understanding.
(Update: What a gracious and merciful God we serve! The first meeting went great, despite some techincal difficulties. We have 4 lovely ladies (including me - one from TN, one in PA and another in Northern NJ). I feel the Lord is really gonna do a work in and through us during our 8 weeks walking throught he NT. I'm excited. And so so grateful that He is using me to be part of what He plans to do!)
Then today Jonathan was evaluated by the county for speech development and other development according to his age and he did not pass the communication and cognitive skill assessment. I know he has some problems listening to and following through on instructions. His words are few. He doesn't seem to comprehend some basic games like sorting or matching objects. He still doesn't know how to identify his body parts. I just take great joy in the fact that despite these "late developments" he is so loveable, generally joyful and easygoing, energetic and has excellent physical/motor skills. All the rest will follow. What is essential, in my opinion, is there.
He did suffer from a bad fever last night and today, which was a little scary. The first time he has gotten sick and it affected his mood. Weepy, cranky and sleepy, sleepy. He was more himself once the fever left. I still am not sure what that was - possibly a bit of a cold.
(Update: Yup a cold. The mucus (sneezing) and coughing soon followed. Second cold in the last month. My dad said he suffered from colds until he was 12. They called him snotty nose when he was growing up cause his nose was ALWAYS running. Jonathan has a way of having quite neat colds, thank God. However, that might be cause I keep up with him. I'd hate for him to suffer the runny nose issue while in preschool and grammar school when teachers don't really care that much. However, I'll do my best to teach him good hygiene. He actually already has a good hang of "wiping his nose", though, more often, he attempts to use me as his kleenix!)
Anyway, back to my stressful schedule - so I dealt with the evaluation today. I have the Bible Study coming up and I've been putting together all of the Ikea stuff and trying to get everything re-situated in our space upstairs at my parent's house. And then my mom is home from rehab and needs a bit more support than usual. I've been trying to get things straight about how I'm supposed to declare the mutual fund stuff on my taxes (fortunatey, I finally discovered that Turbo Tax Premier can figure that out for me - thank you Jesus!) and I'm still trying to figure out how much I should pull out of my 401K.
Churning, churning, churning...running, running, running.
STOP!
I've got to stop the madness! This is a time to turn off the treadmill and to return to God - to surrender to Him - to ALLOW Him to take full reign. To be lead and enabled by the Holy Spirit. To let Him open and shut doors. To stop planning, to stop strategizing, to stop trying to figure it all out.
STOP!
One of the Girlfriends in God, Mary Southerland, mentioned in her devotional today that we need to write down our top 5 priorities for this year. So, what are mine? This whole stopping thing is definitely one of them. I guess it all falls into that word ALLOW. To allow God to lead and direct this year outside of Big Blue.
For more light of life in and exuding from me. That would be another one, which means...
More intimate time with the Lord. Pure, intimate, alone, quiet time. Not reading anything, not writing anything, not pondering anything. Just sitting with Him and letting His presence overtake me and transform me. Hopefully that will lead to...
Stepping in and fulfilling my true calling - whatever that might mean. Though I know now it does mean that it must be life giving to me - but also life giving to someone else. Whatever I can do that makes that intersection happen will be joy. Joy. JOY!
Any finally: Becoming the kind of woman who is ready for the husband I long to live this light of life with - to raise Jonathan with - to build a family, home, ministry with.
So those are it. My top 5. I lay them at your feet Lord. Turn them upside down, if you wish. Discard them - if that's your better choice. I just need YOU and not me to WORK out whatever YOU need and want to WORK OUT. Please, keep me from getting in the way...
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