P B

It's  a bit uncanny.  Whenever I get the inkling to follow through on my "sense" that marriage is impending, I end up being contacted by a man whom I have dismissed as being marriage material.  I'll just state his initials here - P B.  Also, I tend to dream about him right before he contacts me.  Strange.  Early this morning he was in one of my dreams.  I chalked it up to seeing a gentleman on House Hunters last night who reminded me so much of P B.  Typically, when I make a strong connection like that, it seeps into my subconscious and I end up dreaming about the connected person or situation.  Nonetheless, I didn't think that he would contact me today.  I should have assumed it would happen.  It always happens like that.

Why have I dismissed him?  I've seen a side of him that can be rough - intimidating - even scary.  And yet, he can also be quite tender, thoughtful.  I believe in the safety of a loving relationship, where he really feels cared for and valued, he would give his partner the world.  In a way, like many of the guys I've dated in the past, he's a loner and lonely - he's seeking a sense of belonging and acceptance for who he is.  However, I'm not sure I can handle coddling him AND a small child AND pursuing the next thing the Lord has for me vocation-wise.  Plus, the intimidating part of him:  That gives me pause most of all.  We've had a couple of conversations in the past that really put me off.  I consider those red flags.  Big red flags.

So, if indeed P B is the one that I believe I'm destined to connect with before the end of the year - God's agreed upon life mate with whom, on 4/20/13, I will come into consecrated, covenant marriage - well, I'm gonna have to KNOW in my spirit that that is the case...just an unquestionable YES from the Holy Spirit, without doubt or reservation.  He's gonna have to display something of a change in his character when we speak and interact over the course of this next month, a change that I can conclude is genuine, authentic, transparent and honest.  No games. No pretense.  Real. 

Lord, I need to see this in P B...and I need to reflect that back to him, so that we can both objectively assess what the heck this keepin' on keepin' on comin' into each others life for these past 6 years is all about.

And honestly - what does it mean?

One thing I can reflect on - that continues to warm my heart about this gentleman - well, there are actually a few things, is the care he showed me in the wake of my pregnancy with Jonathan.  He offered to come along side us - to care for Jonathan as his own. I dismissed it. I remembered one of our sour conversations of several months before and thought, no way do I want to get hooked into a long-term relationship with someone who has what I deemed a Jekyll and Hyde sort of personality.

He also showed my mother much tenderness before her knee surgery and after.  And he's been amazingly sweet to Jonathan.  And Jonathan likes him.

Finally, he's raised two sons closely with his first wife and another from a distance (though she did have to take him to court so that he would pay child support - but he has managed to build a relationship with the young man - a good relationship - so I have to give him props) - and all three boys are law-abiding citizens, college graduates, haven't made any babies out of wedlock, are upstanding, good men.

And P B has made strides in his own way toward a deeper, more abiding relationship with Christ.  However, being knitted to a good, Bible-believing church, giving and tithing regularly, serving in his community (well, his job is a huge service, so I'll give him that), and being accountable to mature, Godly males (that's probably the biggest one for me) is a bit lacking.  And I'm not sure that he really has any good, good male friends.  His loner side and the kind of work that he does seems to have gotten in the way of that happening.  Nevertheless, accountability is something that I need to see.  No man is an island.  He needs to get connected.

So, that's that for now.  I'll re-post later on how this thing is going.  Maybe after our Friday convo I'll just return to the place I've always been with him and chalk it up as a false alarm -- the real deal is still on his way before year-end 2012.  Or maybe he is the one -- and crazy as it sounds, I could find myself spending the rest of my life with the one who has seemingly kept arriving to take that place but the timing just wasn't right.  Maybe now it is...