What is it - truly?
I was watching Masterpiece Theater's 2007 version of Jane Erye. There's a piece of dialogue where Mr. Rochester asks Jane, "Do you believe in redemption?" and she responds, "If a person sins, they can be redeemed." That line struck me. It struck me because I've spent a lot of my adult life doing my best to live a visibly, holy life. However, inward there is so much that is corrupt, that requires the Lord's redemptive power. Privately, there's so much I've done and said that I would be embarressed for others to know about. I've even, in recent months, thought evil thoughts about my own son - said evil things under my breath, like "Dummy", when he's only doing what most toddlers do. Or I've been harsh with him - pulling him, pushing him - just evil, evil stuff. Do I ask for forgiveness and receive the redemption made available through Christ? Of course - as much as my actions still grate on my conscience even after seeking that forgiveness - when I ask to be forgiven, I receive the forgiveness. And in my fleshly weakness, I typically find myself having to go back and do it again - seek that redemption - hating myself for my weakness - and yet, that same blood, it pours out. I know that it pours out. "How many times shall I forgive my brother - up to 7 times?" asks Peter. Jesus's response: "Ay (my add), up to 70*7". So, 70*7 negative thoughts, nasty words, pushy, impatient, harsh behvior times, I can go to the Father and He forgives, with the hope that with each time, the return trip gets longer and longer and longer, so that eventually there is no need to go back to Him - to be covered by the blood for that sin.
So that is redemption. That is the blood that covers us and returns us to righteousness - to "right-standing" with God. Its's the same forgiveness available to everyone. Everyone. And there - well, in a particular matter - is my struggle. Specifically when it comes to sexual sin. Sexual sin.
When I speak of my outward holiness, sexual sin is the thing I've fought hard with and have used at times as a measuremet of how Holy I am. Well, I'm celibate. That means I'm in good shape with the Lord. In fact, that's such a HUGE thing, that I'm sure I'm okay overall in the holiness department. That's something I can brag about: "Oh, I've been celibate for 5 yeaars!" For some reason, I'm prone to believe that such a declaration makes people consider me a saint...worthy of praise. However, if I were to instead say, "Well, I haven't yanked Jonathan's arm to hard to get him to stop doing something I don't want him to do for the past 2 weeks..." well, I would never say that because I would be too ashamed to admit in public that I do it at all. We're not supposed to get impatient, or semi-abusive, harsh with our children. No way in hell do you confess to something like that. However, "I've been celibate for 2 years!" - THAT I want to make sure everyone knows about - or at least, I have no qualms about divulging that as a "virtuous" accomplishment.
Why?
Sexual sin, negative, harsh behavior toward your toddler, impatience and using a condescending tone with your elderly parents (guilty of that too), using expletives whenever something doesn't go your way, blaming God when something doesn't your way - all of it, every bit of it, needs the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ to put you back in right-standing with the Lord. Period. None is worst than the other. They are all the same. And yet, I continue to tout this sexual sin thing as being the end all be all of what defines just how holy or unholy you are as a person.
It's been troubling me lately, especially in terms of how I've judged others - or how I've been puzzled that the Lord still blesses and pours out his favor, grace and mercy on individuals - and manages to use, in sometimes mighty, anointed, miraculous ways, people who I know are in the midst of serious, sexual sin: shacking up, fornicating with multiple people at the same time, or just serial fornicators, adultry - all kinds of stuff that. Sexual behavior that, in my mind, rules out that person's usefulness in the Kingdom. However, the Lord doesn't rule them out. Not at all.
It makes me start to think that sexual sin might possibly not be that bad at all. But that's a lie - cause even Paul points out in one of his letters that sexual sin is against our bodies - the same body that houses the Holy Spirit. So, in our Father's viewpoint, there's something particularly egregious about sexual sin. Nonetheless, it still doesn't have any ranking on it to make it either more or less important in the list of the many sins we inact against each other and above all our Father in heaven. I just think the consequences of sexual sin might just be a bit more long-lasting and devestating in the long run than maybe some other sins. But I'm getting off my point.
The point is that the Lord does use people in the midst of sexual sin, of hypocrisy, lies, deciet, theivery, dishonoring their parents, coveting other people's stuff, jealousy and envy - a whole host of sins - whether the person has asked for forgiveness and been redeemed or not. He uses them.
Now - do they have fullness of joy in their lives? Are they living Kingdom of God lives, which is righteous, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. I doubt it. I can say that cause I know that I don't. You can't have fullness of joy when you have to blurt out "f*&&%, s**+#, a**#%hole" and a number of other expletives when something inconvenient happens. You can't have fullness of joy when you shove your 2 year old, or squeeze his arm to tight, or yell at him and you see him shake at the sound of your booming voice. There's no fullness of joy in a life raft with that kind of repetive sin - regardless of all the times you take that trip back to the Father to be forgiven and redeemed for it.
So -- redemption. How I need it. How I exploit it more times than I want to admit. How I'm so grateul to God that He doesn't withold it, when in my heart, in most cases, especially when I act so un-Godly toward the love of my life, Jonathan, I surely don't deserve it. Thank God also for all those He continues to use in the midst of their sin. And how I hope for us all that we can, in Him, rise higher and higher above all that - to be so surrendered to the move of the Holy Spirit in our lives that the redemptive blood is ever flowing, never ebbing or diverted by our carnal choices, our bad behavior.
As Jonathan nears his 2nd birthday, I'm reminded that in the midst of my carnal choice in the early morning hours of 5/29/10, the Lord saw fit to take my sexual sin, and redeem it and turn it into the miracle of a child that I love with all my heart, and who I'm learning to live with in understanding, patience, forebearance, and continuous gratitude for every bit of who he is - the good, the bad and the ugly - and with a toddler, there can be A LOT of ugly. Jonathan is stretching, growing, testing his limits, becoming more and more of who he is. Lord, please keep me from getting in the way of it, but do help me to set up the right boundaries so that his expansion doesn't take him over the edge, but allows him the protective space to truly grow into who You have created him to be. Please keep me out of the way with my ill behavior that I am too ashamed to admit to publically - but come to you, via this blog, to make it understood that I know that you know and that you are forgiving me and cleansing me and making better with each passing day.
You are making his father better too. Good, bad or indifferent - my heady, fickle, ever-changing emotions toward Kay aside - he is Jonathan's dad. Our sexual sin has united us for life through the blessed life of this little boy. I'm tied to Kay. Lord, help me to navigate this relationship. Redeem this relationship, somehow. Redeem it. Make us both better for it. Not bitter.
I find myself there so much. Bitterness and indifference. Anger and longing. Puzzlement, confusion. The why, why, why of it all. Wanting the redemption to take us to a place of true togetherness...
I was talking to April and she mentioned how Abril is going out on a lot of dates. Being asked out a lot. I think that's wonderful. She's 21 years old. She should be enjoying herself. She had a long-term bofriend much of High School and early in her collegiate life. She's now taking this as an opportunity to interview new candidates for her heart. That's as it should be.
I never dated much at her age. It was crushes, infatuations and then a series of long-term relationships and now, here in my mid-40s, I'm left with this semi-requited "something" that I can't really define, that doesn't appear to have any future (yes, I'm talking about me and Kay) and at the same time, feeling hopeless about Kay, I hold on to this other, corresponding hope for something "definite" with the kind of man I can really grow in life with and build a family with - who will love Jonathan as his own - a man like Joyce Meyer's Dave Meyer. But - in my heart of hearts - I'm still hoping that Kay is that man. Just a crazy, mixed up mess, that has dumped me squarely in a pile of apathetic, "I don't want to be bothered at all." And at the center of that pile is some kind of device that has completely sucked out any kind of sexual desire or longing - and is starting to do a work of aging on my face and body. Me is disappearing in a way before I"ve really been found and it's discouraging at best - completely, mentally excrutiating and dehbilitating at worst. So, I have this persistent want of a life with Kay - that doesn't seem to have any logical basis or ability to ever hapen in a way that would be satisfying for either of us AND no real sexual component with the want. And no sexual compoent with the other want (the other guy like Dave Meyer that in reality I'm really hoping ends up being Olukayode Oladeji). So dang, dang, strange. So strange.
Anyway, back to my comments about Abril (which do make sense in this whole redemption discussion). She's dating - and that's good. Very good. However, in my confused, wondering why my love life is in such a state and how come I never had that kind of expereience of multiple guys asking me out and going out on dates behavior, mindset, I burst out to April this crazy question about whether or not Abril was in a generation where there are more boys than girls (seemingly like Jonathan's generation - cause a lot of boys have been born in the past two years and not as many girls). My mindset is such that that was my first explanation for why she's going out on so many dates. Not that possibly, Abril's generation has a breed of young men who actually know what it means to boldly and courageously ask out a girl who they are interested in - and that Abril IS the kind of beautiful, intelligent, sweet-natured, and confident young lady that this sort of young man would ask out. No, that didn't come to my mind first. Of course, April proceeded to correct me -kindly. I felt like a heel and didn't even have the goodness to apologize for my goofuh. I just quickly agreed with her and threw in, for good measure, a heartfelt, "Oh, yeah, Abril is beautiful!" Pitiful.
I bring this exchange up, because it brought to my mind the fact that youthere are a lot of normal people in this world, meeting other normal people, going out on normal dates, getting engaged and married and having normal careers, families and lives. Their lives aren't racked with a lot of psychological trauma or drama either. They roll with the punches. They take the hits and jabs of life as they come and they don't roll up into fetal postions, lash out at others, or have pity parties. They laugh when they should laugh, they cry when they should cry. They tell the truth - they might lie sometimes. Some believe in Jesus as their savior and others no God at all. Though, I have to think that at least if you have Christ - you have much more than this life to look forward to - you have everything to look forward to - though I'm still learning what it means to look forward to the "promise" because I'm still a bit too tied to this side of things. I think it's because I'm still hoping for some of that normal stuff I listed above or at least to rise above all the mixed up stuff in my life to get to normal.
I'm not there yet.
It's that redemption thing still being worked out - for those of us in Christ - we know of what that means - and that it is that alone which moves us to "normalcy" - whatever that is for the idiosyncratic we that we are.
I wonder, really, if the Lord specically calls to himself, those, like myself, who are freakishlyjacked up in the mind and heart. I look at the saints in the Bible and most of them had issues, so I guess I might have something there. The truly normal people I described above, who have a relatioship with Christ, I'm sure have thriving relationships with Him, but I just don't think that they're hanging by their toe nails on Him to live a life that is manageable - crying out to Him on a continual basis - and constantly having to get some stupid thing they've done or said redeemed.
That's me.
So Redemption. The point of this post. He redeems us all - He redeems it all. And He's working in my life. He's making a way. He's gonna make a way for Jonathan and me and maybe eventually Jonathan, me and some guy. Some Kay (reference, end of my post here: http://but-for-his-grace.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-am-convinced.html).
Yeah, I'm gonna throw Kay in here one more time at the end of this post - as he's part of so many posts. As men in general are part of so many posts. Maybe my first book will be about that. This whole obsession with elationship and how it can be almost toxic and soul killing the longer we go without it. I''ll use my mom as a case study. Again, a future blog post...
But I've gotta throw Kay in there again. Afterall, I still have Jane Eyre Part II to watch (again, see reference post above). Mr. Rochester is my type and shadow of Kay. I'm Jane. She went away. I went away - I'd like to go even further away (Auburn - do you hear me - or Florida Atlantic U (if I do creative writing - that's for a future blog post) - do you hear me). And then she returned. He was changed. She was changed. They were now able to be together.
A story of redemption played out in full, tangible (at least to me) effect...
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
A call to Hobby Lobby - or a sign from Auburn?
Pulled in so many directions. My PhD dreams have wained in the wake of such horrific GMAT scores and then seeing that I submitted a couple of my essays with glaring typos. Ouch! However, I've been having this strong sense about Auburn. That I might actually get considered for the program at Auburn - a program that accepts at most 2-3 new candidates per year. How in the world - why in the world would they consider me? And if I get called for an interview - what the heck am I gonna say???
Hmmm - what did Jesus tell the disciples:
Luke 12:11-12 "...do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, 12 for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
So, I have to think likewise. That if the Lord sees fit to open this door, He has a very good reason and He will make it all happen. There will be a purpose for me and Jonathan in Auburn, AL. There will be a purpose.
I'm currently seeing a more focused pursuit of my writing - but I also know that I really want to pull together some serious research skills to undertake the kind of writing that I really want to do - which runs the gamut from memoir to truly, hard science or at least, substantiated research on stuff like purpose and calling - living with consequences - living Holy and single - living. Auburn can make that happen. I can present my words under the guise of the shrewdness of this world, whick will allow me to sneak in the truth of God. Maybe I'm not saying that right. Plus, I dont' need the credentials, really. The disciples, after Jesus' ressurection, suddenly, through the Holy Spirit, had all they needed to become great teachers and preachers. I don't need Auburn. However, I was supenaturally led to apply to thiese PhD programs, despite my lack of background and skills and specially, first to Auburn as the main school to apply to. I got a bit thrwarted with VCU, because of the dreams about VA, but Auburn was the first school the Lord laid on my heart. AL. Something about returning to AL.
And that takes me to Hobby Lobby. I was there today to buy Kay a house warming present (found a cool painting that matches his decor - it spells out Proverbs 3:5) and art supplies so I can create Jonathan's Sprout TV Birthday card (Please LORD, let Jonathan's get on TV - while we're watching). As soon as Jonathan and I entered, a spirit of peace came over me. Hobby Lobby always did that in AL. It's a spiritual place, I believe. It's annointed by the Holy Spirit because the owners revere and honor the Lord, in every way. That filters down to each franchise - maybe moreso in some than in others. It defnintely is there at the new Piscataway, NJ store (sadly, the one in Tuscaloosa, that I did so much shopping in, was destroyed during the 2011 tornado).
Right up front there was info about full-time positions. They actually pay - nationwide - 13 per hour, full-time, w/benefits, vacation, and 401K. They pay 9/hr part time. They're not open on Sundays and they close every night at 8PM. The main thought that came to me is: I could work here - happily. And doing so would give me a lil income to allow me to pursue my writing full throttle. That this income with my savings could hold me over till I got a legitimate publishing deal of some sort or at least start pulling in regular income from self-publishing.
Just a thought.
But maybe a thought that's simply connected with the pull back down south. A pull back to AL.
Lord - it's You alone that I hope in and who I depend. You have set a path before me. Help me to simply discern, follow.
Praise.
Commit.
Trust!
Allow, Allow, Allow! That's all I need and must do. It's just a lot of fun to consider all the possibilities.
Hmmm - what did Jesus tell the disciples:
Luke 12:11-12 "...do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, 12 for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
So, I have to think likewise. That if the Lord sees fit to open this door, He has a very good reason and He will make it all happen. There will be a purpose for me and Jonathan in Auburn, AL. There will be a purpose.
I'm currently seeing a more focused pursuit of my writing - but I also know that I really want to pull together some serious research skills to undertake the kind of writing that I really want to do - which runs the gamut from memoir to truly, hard science or at least, substantiated research on stuff like purpose and calling - living with consequences - living Holy and single - living. Auburn can make that happen. I can present my words under the guise of the shrewdness of this world, whick will allow me to sneak in the truth of God. Maybe I'm not saying that right. Plus, I dont' need the credentials, really. The disciples, after Jesus' ressurection, suddenly, through the Holy Spirit, had all they needed to become great teachers and preachers. I don't need Auburn. However, I was supenaturally led to apply to thiese PhD programs, despite my lack of background and skills and specially, first to Auburn as the main school to apply to. I got a bit thrwarted with VCU, because of the dreams about VA, but Auburn was the first school the Lord laid on my heart. AL. Something about returning to AL.
And that takes me to Hobby Lobby. I was there today to buy Kay a house warming present (found a cool painting that matches his decor - it spells out Proverbs 3:5) and art supplies so I can create Jonathan's Sprout TV Birthday card (Please LORD, let Jonathan's get on TV - while we're watching). As soon as Jonathan and I entered, a spirit of peace came over me. Hobby Lobby always did that in AL. It's a spiritual place, I believe. It's annointed by the Holy Spirit because the owners revere and honor the Lord, in every way. That filters down to each franchise - maybe moreso in some than in others. It defnintely is there at the new Piscataway, NJ store (sadly, the one in Tuscaloosa, that I did so much shopping in, was destroyed during the 2011 tornado).
Right up front there was info about full-time positions. They actually pay - nationwide - 13 per hour, full-time, w/benefits, vacation, and 401K. They pay 9/hr part time. They're not open on Sundays and they close every night at 8PM. The main thought that came to me is: I could work here - happily. And doing so would give me a lil income to allow me to pursue my writing full throttle. That this income with my savings could hold me over till I got a legitimate publishing deal of some sort or at least start pulling in regular income from self-publishing.
Just a thought.
But maybe a thought that's simply connected with the pull back down south. A pull back to AL.
Lord - it's You alone that I hope in and who I depend. You have set a path before me. Help me to simply discern, follow.
Praise.
Commit.
Trust!
Allow, Allow, Allow! That's all I need and must do. It's just a lot of fun to consider all the possibilities.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Only You Lord - we're depending on You Lord...
The gentleman that has been harrassing Lolita - a guy we went to school with - is now out of jail and back to calling her. He just hangs up now. Doesn't leave a message or try to talk to her like in the past - these past 2 years or so now - way too long. And now he's calling her from an Ohio number. The hope is that he is in Ohio and not in the tri-state area. He's clearly not well and needs to be treated - delivered. And that is our greater hope: That he be delivered, healed, and set free. But the immediate hope, in our Lord and unmatchless Saviour, is that He move in this man's heart and mind to leave Lolita alone.
Lord, I know that you have a great call on Lolita's life and sometimes You allow these "thorns" in our flesh to keep us humble. However, Lolita already had a great thorn with the trauma of her upbringing. I suppose I'll never understand why this too. However, I know You are greater than our thorns and greater than our need to know why. And yes, I admit Lord, that as a mother, and being connected to Lolita, I'm concerned for myself and my family, as well. So, I come to You in great faith and anguish of heart and plead with you to protect us all - especially Lolita - to protect as you specify in your word - in Psalm 91. I declare this word now and in the precious and mighty name of Jesus, I cancel the attack and plans of the enemy to harrass, upset, or cause harm in anyway through the weaknesses in this man. I know that's it's a spirtual demon and, as such, I declare William FREE in Jesus' name. Indeed, yes, I say, in the name of Jesus - COME OUT!!! And believe it to be so...that like the men and women full of demons who were soon in their right mind after a word from our Lord and Savior, William is also walking in his right mind, full of the Holy Spirit and declaring the goodness of God over his life. Protect Lolita, protect all who are connected to her and all who are around her. Be her front and rear guard. Set your angels charge over her. Be her cloud in the day and her pillar of fire at night. Be her all in all.
Psalm 91
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
Lord, I know that you have a great call on Lolita's life and sometimes You allow these "thorns" in our flesh to keep us humble. However, Lolita already had a great thorn with the trauma of her upbringing. I suppose I'll never understand why this too. However, I know You are greater than our thorns and greater than our need to know why. And yes, I admit Lord, that as a mother, and being connected to Lolita, I'm concerned for myself and my family, as well. So, I come to You in great faith and anguish of heart and plead with you to protect us all - especially Lolita - to protect as you specify in your word - in Psalm 91. I declare this word now and in the precious and mighty name of Jesus, I cancel the attack and plans of the enemy to harrass, upset, or cause harm in anyway through the weaknesses in this man. I know that's it's a spirtual demon and, as such, I declare William FREE in Jesus' name. Indeed, yes, I say, in the name of Jesus - COME OUT!!! And believe it to be so...that like the men and women full of demons who were soon in their right mind after a word from our Lord and Savior, William is also walking in his right mind, full of the Holy Spirit and declaring the goodness of God over his life. Protect Lolita, protect all who are connected to her and all who are around her. Be her front and rear guard. Set your angels charge over her. Be her cloud in the day and her pillar of fire at night. Be her all in all.
Psalm 91
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.12 In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.12 In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”
Procrastination and insomnia
I've been suffering from both the past couple of days. It's early morning, Tuesday morning. I'm not even gonna look at the clock. It will only depress me. I've just wasted an evening watching YouTube videos and catching up on the new Real Husbands of Hollywood show starring Kevin Hart (which was actually a worthwhile diversion - the show is hilarious). And I've also discovered some cool new music - a guy name Gotye, from Australia, who won record of the year at this year's grammy for a great song called "Someone that I used to know", which features this amazing female singer from New Zealand named Kimbra. They both sing this sorta electronica, groove, jazzy kind of music. So distinct. So, with that and Justin Timberlake coming out with a new album AND my ability after about 7 years of NOT being able to focus on music cause I've been so brain dead from work -- I mean, I can't remember the last time I really listened to music -- my diversions and procrastination - my insomnia, I suppose are all well founded.
But I don't want them to be.
This post is my "focused" writing for the day that I promised to start doing daily in my last post. I see now that following through on that promise might be a hard thing. I suppose it's a vestige of my lack of diligence that was part of my inertia with work in the last few months. I knew I was leaving, so I got done what was necessary - well, actually more than that, cause that was always a demand of the job, in fact, all the way up to my last few minutes on my last day at the job -- but I got the necessary work done at a less dedicated, feverish pace than what I expended pre-Jonathan. That's also why I knew I could NOT take that Editing Job. It would have been a sham. There was no more me in that work. Not at all. So, those last few months, I was experiencing issues getting up at a decent time. Even when Jonathan wakes me up at 6 or 6:30 - I tend to have to get at least another 30 minutes, and then I slowly make my bed and move to his room. Thankfully, he enjoys his alone time talking to his stuffed animals and isn't miffed with me that I don't immediately go in to him when he first wakes up - but that's what I want. I want - REALLY - to wake up before he does and have those minutes of quiet with the Lord that I despeartely need - work out and shower, get dressed and then go in to Jonathan fully alert and ready for us to start our day. This lethargical way I've been these past couple of months makes it so that we don't end up downstairs for breakfast until about 9:30 - which is way too late. And sometimes I'm still not dressed.
It's a bad habit that has to end.
Now the not being able to sleep thing - I'm not sure what that's all about. That's not cool. I guess it's the over stimulation with the music these past couple of nights. So, that's gonna end. That will be a big help with getting me settled down at a reasonable hour for sleep. As it stands now, I've yet to do my reading for our 40-Day Bible Challenge and that has to be done before I go to sleep tonight.
Okay -- enough of all this confessional/moaning/groaning/woe is me business. I have the Spirit of the Living God in me who can enable me to do ANYTHING. He can get me up at a reasonable time and out of the bed and open a space to spend with him, work out, shower and get dressed and into Jonathan by his post-30 minute wake up time. I guess my one request is that that wake up time be more like 7 AM (which it was on Monday) than 6 or 6:30. Of course, daylight savings time starts soon, so that means his 7AM will turn to 6AM and I'll have to pray for homeboy to be one hour more tired once March rolls around.
Challenges, challenges:-) Regardless: Hearing his voice the first thing in the mornig - however, intrusive to my sleep:-), is still the most amazing sound in all the world - and seeing him - those eyes - that bushy head - that mini-man body - that smile - first thing in the morning - regardless of how groggy I am - IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST parts of my day. Hands down. Hands down.
Always.
But I don't want them to be.
This post is my "focused" writing for the day that I promised to start doing daily in my last post. I see now that following through on that promise might be a hard thing. I suppose it's a vestige of my lack of diligence that was part of my inertia with work in the last few months. I knew I was leaving, so I got done what was necessary - well, actually more than that, cause that was always a demand of the job, in fact, all the way up to my last few minutes on my last day at the job -- but I got the necessary work done at a less dedicated, feverish pace than what I expended pre-Jonathan. That's also why I knew I could NOT take that Editing Job. It would have been a sham. There was no more me in that work. Not at all. So, those last few months, I was experiencing issues getting up at a decent time. Even when Jonathan wakes me up at 6 or 6:30 - I tend to have to get at least another 30 minutes, and then I slowly make my bed and move to his room. Thankfully, he enjoys his alone time talking to his stuffed animals and isn't miffed with me that I don't immediately go in to him when he first wakes up - but that's what I want. I want - REALLY - to wake up before he does and have those minutes of quiet with the Lord that I despeartely need - work out and shower, get dressed and then go in to Jonathan fully alert and ready for us to start our day. This lethargical way I've been these past couple of months makes it so that we don't end up downstairs for breakfast until about 9:30 - which is way too late. And sometimes I'm still not dressed.
It's a bad habit that has to end.
Now the not being able to sleep thing - I'm not sure what that's all about. That's not cool. I guess it's the over stimulation with the music these past couple of nights. So, that's gonna end. That will be a big help with getting me settled down at a reasonable hour for sleep. As it stands now, I've yet to do my reading for our 40-Day Bible Challenge and that has to be done before I go to sleep tonight.
Okay -- enough of all this confessional/moaning/groaning/woe is me business. I have the Spirit of the Living God in me who can enable me to do ANYTHING. He can get me up at a reasonable time and out of the bed and open a space to spend with him, work out, shower and get dressed and into Jonathan by his post-30 minute wake up time. I guess my one request is that that wake up time be more like 7 AM (which it was on Monday) than 6 or 6:30. Of course, daylight savings time starts soon, so that means his 7AM will turn to 6AM and I'll have to pray for homeboy to be one hour more tired once March rolls around.
Challenges, challenges:-) Regardless: Hearing his voice the first thing in the mornig - however, intrusive to my sleep:-), is still the most amazing sound in all the world - and seeing him - those eyes - that bushy head - that mini-man body - that smile - first thing in the morning - regardless of how groggy I am - IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST parts of my day. Hands down. Hands down.
Always.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The writer inside me
So, I'm getting that inkling that what I should be doing is writing. Maybe not so much fiction, but creative non-fiction and that I could use this blog as a gateway to that next thing. I don't know. A million people have blogs now adays. Everyone has an opinion. No one makes really good money writing a blog, at least I don't know anyone who does. And to be honest, when it comes to a career in writing, I really want to be that woman who simply writes and doesn't have to do anything to promote it, market it. It just gets promoted via word of mouth and folks appreciate what I have to say, look forward to what I have to say next, and I get paid enough out of the effort - the JOY, really. On top of all that, I'd still be able to live a quiet life, maybe in a cute home in East Millstone, or maybe Palm Beach, FL - and to travel from time to time with Jonathan.
That's my dream.
So - maybe it's not that far-fetched. If I could get published in a big way somewhere - like the "Love" column in the NY Times. That would be a nice seque into a publishing deal - possibly one of those cool artsy foundation grants/fellowships. Something like that.
It's a matter of discovering my niche. Of figurinig out what I really should be creatively, non-fiction writing about.
I keep thinking that it would have something to do that is allegorical in nature - that somehow slips in the gospel and pricks the hearts of skeptics.
How?
I also have a particular, I would say, God-given insight about relationships and people. I guess it's part of my "perceiving' spirtual gift. I believe the Lord could use me to relate wisdom and understanding about those things in the writing He pours through me.
I guess I just have to do it. To discipline myself to write. Every day. To daily add something to the blog - and to be intentional about what I write. And if it means carrying out an idea through several days, then doing that.
Possibly at the end of a year I'll have a portfolio of stuff that is worth something - and maybe this ALLOWING year will be a year for the Lord to move me into the places I need to be so that my writing can be seen, read, appreciated and ultimately PAID for.
Okay. That is what I will do and I will do it in the spirit of George Mueller: By prayer and faith alone. I need not tell anyone. I need not make any grand annoucement, well outside of this private blog:-). If it's the Lord's will and I'm diligent about doing the part I can do, which is sitting down with this netbook every day and writing, the rest will follow.
That is what I believe.
That's my dream.
So - maybe it's not that far-fetched. If I could get published in a big way somewhere - like the "Love" column in the NY Times. That would be a nice seque into a publishing deal - possibly one of those cool artsy foundation grants/fellowships. Something like that.
It's a matter of discovering my niche. Of figurinig out what I really should be creatively, non-fiction writing about.
I keep thinking that it would have something to do that is allegorical in nature - that somehow slips in the gospel and pricks the hearts of skeptics.
How?
I also have a particular, I would say, God-given insight about relationships and people. I guess it's part of my "perceiving' spirtual gift. I believe the Lord could use me to relate wisdom and understanding about those things in the writing He pours through me.
I guess I just have to do it. To discipline myself to write. Every day. To daily add something to the blog - and to be intentional about what I write. And if it means carrying out an idea through several days, then doing that.
Possibly at the end of a year I'll have a portfolio of stuff that is worth something - and maybe this ALLOWING year will be a year for the Lord to move me into the places I need to be so that my writing can be seen, read, appreciated and ultimately PAID for.
Okay. That is what I will do and I will do it in the spirit of George Mueller: By prayer and faith alone. I need not tell anyone. I need not make any grand annoucement, well outside of this private blog:-). If it's the Lord's will and I'm diligent about doing the part I can do, which is sitting down with this netbook every day and writing, the rest will follow.
That is what I believe.
Some wisdom
I was gonna send this to a friend who has a history of getting connected to men who monopolize her time, energy and attention - only to not want to entertain being with her in a more romantic way. It's been frustrating for her - and yes, sad - and equally frustrating and sad to witness. But much like many things I'm realizing at this point in my life, we cause a lot of our own headaches by our own actions.
Our own actions.
The whole idea of allowing and resting seems to deconstruct all this foolishness. I sense that if we truly lived as if we have a power that is able to raise Jesus from the DEAD living in us, we would find that we have no time to ponder if a certain man's actions means he is or isn't interested in us. We simply won't care - or the discernment from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit would be so strong that we wouldn't need to question his intentions. Our knower would simply know if he is or if he's not - and if he is, whether or not he's worth our time.
That's the life I want to live. The life of the spirit. Not of the flesh. Let the dead - this flesh that's daily trying it's best to kill us - bury it's dead. And let us be about life and living it abundantly - and living it freely - which means, letting the Holy God of all who dwells in us through the Holy Spirit, have His marvelous way. Man the places He'll lead us - the ways that He'll transform us if we would only live like that!
*********************************************************************************
You know, I had lunch with Zarida on Friday and she mentioned that her daughter, who's at Spelman, told her she met this guy that she really likes but he made it clear that he just wants to be friends. Sarah told Zarida that "She's gonna work on him.." and Zarida told her, don't work on him: "A man knows he's interested in someone within about 3 minutes and he'll do what he needs to to make something happen. Otherwise, you're wasting your time."
When I reflect on your history, my history, and some other women I know who have run into smilar situations, it's not so much that the guy has implicitly said "I just want to be friends" - the mature thing, but the rare thing (Sarah was lucky). However, the gentleman, in many instances, did not make a direct overture of romantic interest. Instead actions were interpreted as being "they might be or they seem to be interested". A guy - when he's truly interested - will not waste time to let you know it because they're competive by nature and they want to sweep in and make sure they get you before someone else does. I think we've spent entirely too much of our time trying to interpret a man's intentions, behavior, etc., toward us when it wasn't at all necessary. They made it pretty clear that they were or were not interested in being romantically connected to us (and I mean, in a committed relationship) by their actions. And if they even made a step towards us through a kiss/make out session/sex and didn't do much after that to make it clear to us and everyone around us that they wanted to be in a legitimate relationship, then it was time to relegate them to friend status at that point (if a frienship was worth salvaging/building), and to never make the mistake again of allowing them to be near us in an intimate way or - which seems to have repeatedly happened with you when there was no physical intimacy - to no longer let them monopolize your time and attention. Why it takes a woman until she's 45 to realize that, I don't know.
As I get older, I do see that it's a good thing to appreciate each relationship for what it is. Friendship is a gift, regardless of how it might start. So, when we quickly realize that's all something is gonna be, let's just enjoy what we give and get through the friendship and keep on moving/living/enjoying life. The man who is marked for us as partners will meet those things that mere friendship cannot, and we'll meet that for him - and we're now at an age where a lot of the junk in between will and should not get in the way for us to realize that we are good matches for each other. I also think that if we can get more savvy about that "3 minute rule" (yeah, sometimes it might take a little more time than that to figure out a man isn't gonna take the tall leap into truly trying to court us - but it also doesn't take weeks or months either) and just receive the men who currently are in our life for who they are and not more than that, our minds and hearts will be more available for receiving the person with whom we can actually build a life.
That's just my two cents on the matter. Take it or leave it.
My top five priorities...
So, this is my first week away from IBM and I feel even more stressed than I did before I left. This was supposed to be the beginning of my time of rest - at least giving my mind some rest. However, it still is churning, churning, churning...running, running, running.
I felt led to be an online group leader for our church's 40-Day Bible Challenge. It's turning out to be a CHALLENGE for me. Some members having to drop before we even start because of technical issues. I have my own concerns about being able to connect properly so folks can hear me. And I simply have my typical anxiety and worries about leading a group, facilitating the discussion. I have to believe and keep reminding myself that it's not me that will be facilitating, leading - it's the Lord God Almighty using me to do what needs to be done - He will be present and in control. I just need to surrender to His leadership. Lord help me, Help me, HELP ME! to remember that and to NOT lean on my own, faulty, anxious understanding.
(Update: What a gracious and merciful God we serve! The first meeting went great, despite some techincal difficulties. We have 4 lovely ladies (including me - one from TN, one in PA and another in Northern NJ). I feel the Lord is really gonna do a work in and through us during our 8 weeks walking throught he NT. I'm excited. And so so grateful that He is using me to be part of what He plans to do!)
Then today Jonathan was evaluated by the county for speech development and other development according to his age and he did not pass the communication and cognitive skill assessment. I know he has some problems listening to and following through on instructions. His words are few. He doesn't seem to comprehend some basic games like sorting or matching objects. He still doesn't know how to identify his body parts. I just take great joy in the fact that despite these "late developments" he is so loveable, generally joyful and easygoing, energetic and has excellent physical/motor skills. All the rest will follow. What is essential, in my opinion, is there.
He did suffer from a bad fever last night and today, which was a little scary. The first time he has gotten sick and it affected his mood. Weepy, cranky and sleepy, sleepy. He was more himself once the fever left. I still am not sure what that was - possibly a bit of a cold.
(Update: Yup a cold. The mucus (sneezing) and coughing soon followed. Second cold in the last month. My dad said he suffered from colds until he was 12. They called him snotty nose when he was growing up cause his nose was ALWAYS running. Jonathan has a way of having quite neat colds, thank God. However, that might be cause I keep up with him. I'd hate for him to suffer the runny nose issue while in preschool and grammar school when teachers don't really care that much. However, I'll do my best to teach him good hygiene. He actually already has a good hang of "wiping his nose", though, more often, he attempts to use me as his kleenix!)
Anyway, back to my stressful schedule - so I dealt with the evaluation today. I have the Bible Study coming up and I've been putting together all of the Ikea stuff and trying to get everything re-situated in our space upstairs at my parent's house. And then my mom is home from rehab and needs a bit more support than usual. I've been trying to get things straight about how I'm supposed to declare the mutual fund stuff on my taxes (fortunatey, I finally discovered that Turbo Tax Premier can figure that out for me - thank you Jesus!) and I'm still trying to figure out how much I should pull out of my 401K.
Churning, churning, churning...running, running, running.
STOP!
I've got to stop the madness! This is a time to turn off the treadmill and to return to God - to surrender to Him - to ALLOW Him to take full reign. To be lead and enabled by the Holy Spirit. To let Him open and shut doors. To stop planning, to stop strategizing, to stop trying to figure it all out.
STOP!
One of the Girlfriends in God, Mary Southerland, mentioned in her devotional today that we need to write down our top 5 priorities for this year. So, what are mine? This whole stopping thing is definitely one of them. I guess it all falls into that word ALLOW. To allow God to lead and direct this year outside of Big Blue.
For more light of life in and exuding from me. That would be another one, which means...
More intimate time with the Lord. Pure, intimate, alone, quiet time. Not reading anything, not writing anything, not pondering anything. Just sitting with Him and letting His presence overtake me and transform me. Hopefully that will lead to...
Stepping in and fulfilling my true calling - whatever that might mean. Though I know now it does mean that it must be life giving to me - but also life giving to someone else. Whatever I can do that makes that intersection happen will be joy. Joy. JOY!
Any finally: Becoming the kind of woman who is ready for the husband I long to live this light of life with - to raise Jonathan with - to build a family, home, ministry with.
So those are it. My top 5. I lay them at your feet Lord. Turn them upside down, if you wish. Discard them - if that's your better choice. I just need YOU and not me to WORK out whatever YOU need and want to WORK OUT. Please, keep me from getting in the way...
I felt led to be an online group leader for our church's 40-Day Bible Challenge. It's turning out to be a CHALLENGE for me. Some members having to drop before we even start because of technical issues. I have my own concerns about being able to connect properly so folks can hear me. And I simply have my typical anxiety and worries about leading a group, facilitating the discussion. I have to believe and keep reminding myself that it's not me that will be facilitating, leading - it's the Lord God Almighty using me to do what needs to be done - He will be present and in control. I just need to surrender to His leadership. Lord help me, Help me, HELP ME! to remember that and to NOT lean on my own, faulty, anxious understanding.
(Update: What a gracious and merciful God we serve! The first meeting went great, despite some techincal difficulties. We have 4 lovely ladies (including me - one from TN, one in PA and another in Northern NJ). I feel the Lord is really gonna do a work in and through us during our 8 weeks walking throught he NT. I'm excited. And so so grateful that He is using me to be part of what He plans to do!)
Then today Jonathan was evaluated by the county for speech development and other development according to his age and he did not pass the communication and cognitive skill assessment. I know he has some problems listening to and following through on instructions. His words are few. He doesn't seem to comprehend some basic games like sorting or matching objects. He still doesn't know how to identify his body parts. I just take great joy in the fact that despite these "late developments" he is so loveable, generally joyful and easygoing, energetic and has excellent physical/motor skills. All the rest will follow. What is essential, in my opinion, is there.
He did suffer from a bad fever last night and today, which was a little scary. The first time he has gotten sick and it affected his mood. Weepy, cranky and sleepy, sleepy. He was more himself once the fever left. I still am not sure what that was - possibly a bit of a cold.
(Update: Yup a cold. The mucus (sneezing) and coughing soon followed. Second cold in the last month. My dad said he suffered from colds until he was 12. They called him snotty nose when he was growing up cause his nose was ALWAYS running. Jonathan has a way of having quite neat colds, thank God. However, that might be cause I keep up with him. I'd hate for him to suffer the runny nose issue while in preschool and grammar school when teachers don't really care that much. However, I'll do my best to teach him good hygiene. He actually already has a good hang of "wiping his nose", though, more often, he attempts to use me as his kleenix!)
Anyway, back to my stressful schedule - so I dealt with the evaluation today. I have the Bible Study coming up and I've been putting together all of the Ikea stuff and trying to get everything re-situated in our space upstairs at my parent's house. And then my mom is home from rehab and needs a bit more support than usual. I've been trying to get things straight about how I'm supposed to declare the mutual fund stuff on my taxes (fortunatey, I finally discovered that Turbo Tax Premier can figure that out for me - thank you Jesus!) and I'm still trying to figure out how much I should pull out of my 401K.
Churning, churning, churning...running, running, running.
STOP!
I've got to stop the madness! This is a time to turn off the treadmill and to return to God - to surrender to Him - to ALLOW Him to take full reign. To be lead and enabled by the Holy Spirit. To let Him open and shut doors. To stop planning, to stop strategizing, to stop trying to figure it all out.
STOP!
One of the Girlfriends in God, Mary Southerland, mentioned in her devotional today that we need to write down our top 5 priorities for this year. So, what are mine? This whole stopping thing is definitely one of them. I guess it all falls into that word ALLOW. To allow God to lead and direct this year outside of Big Blue.
For more light of life in and exuding from me. That would be another one, which means...
More intimate time with the Lord. Pure, intimate, alone, quiet time. Not reading anything, not writing anything, not pondering anything. Just sitting with Him and letting His presence overtake me and transform me. Hopefully that will lead to...
Stepping in and fulfilling my true calling - whatever that might mean. Though I know now it does mean that it must be life giving to me - but also life giving to someone else. Whatever I can do that makes that intersection happen will be joy. Joy. JOY!
Any finally: Becoming the kind of woman who is ready for the husband I long to live this light of life with - to raise Jonathan with - to build a family, home, ministry with.
So those are it. My top 5. I lay them at your feet Lord. Turn them upside down, if you wish. Discard them - if that's your better choice. I just need YOU and not me to WORK out whatever YOU need and want to WORK OUT. Please, keep me from getting in the way...
Friday, February 1, 2013
P B Part II
See original post here: http://but-for-his-grace.blogspot.com/2012/12/p-b.html
This will be a quick one. Read the original blog entry. I shutter to think that I even REMOTELY considered P B as a possible life-mate candidate - as the answer to my targeted prayer. NOT. He never called which I was immensely grateful about and the Lord helped me to see the light.
Needless to say, I've got a LOT of growing up to do -- and most assuredly, a LOT of growing up IN the LORD. My prayer is to be a woman who is truly pursing the Lord with all my heart and soul and laying myself bare so that He can scrub all the gunk out and off of me. I want to be presented to my husband as one who will indeed bring him contentment. My head is so screwy sometimes, my mouth so unclean, my heart so self-centered, my thoughts so scattered - there's no room for a husband. There's barely room for the love of my life here on earth - Jonathan! Lord - do me better. Do me better.
I long to be married. I want to build a home with a good Godly man. I long for the vision to be fulfilled that I would marry while still under my parents roof and that we would start our lives together here - that we'll be blessed with another child to add to our families. I believe that this will come to pass. However, I know that the Lord has to better me so I can be that better woman for the better man that I long to build this life with.
Lord - do your thing. I'm ready...
This will be a quick one. Read the original blog entry. I shutter to think that I even REMOTELY considered P B as a possible life-mate candidate - as the answer to my targeted prayer. NOT. He never called which I was immensely grateful about and the Lord helped me to see the light.
Needless to say, I've got a LOT of growing up to do -- and most assuredly, a LOT of growing up IN the LORD. My prayer is to be a woman who is truly pursing the Lord with all my heart and soul and laying myself bare so that He can scrub all the gunk out and off of me. I want to be presented to my husband as one who will indeed bring him contentment. My head is so screwy sometimes, my mouth so unclean, my heart so self-centered, my thoughts so scattered - there's no room for a husband. There's barely room for the love of my life here on earth - Jonathan! Lord - do me better. Do me better.
I long to be married. I want to build a home with a good Godly man. I long for the vision to be fulfilled that I would marry while still under my parents roof and that we would start our lives together here - that we'll be blessed with another child to add to our families. I believe that this will come to pass. However, I know that the Lord has to better me so I can be that better woman for the better man that I long to build this life with.
Lord - do your thing. I'm ready...
Beyond Big Blue...
This is my final note to my IBM Family...
From: Kim Ivey/Poughkeepsie/IBM
To: DEPT269-REG, Synergy Development-eServer-WW, Sandra Kipp/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, holttl@us.ibm.com, tae@us.ibm.com, jenjohnson77@gmail.com, yoan@us.ibm.com, kingl@us.ibm.com, Jennifer Raisig/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, Christopher Dawson/Raleigh/IBM, Royce Espey/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, Stephen Bream/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, apjones@us.ibm.com, Paula Cross/Almaden/IBM@IBMUS, lolitaj@aol.com, anitaparrita2@gmail.com, aprilnichelle1729@yahoo.com, kimgentrymusic@gmail.com, miracle@us.ibm.com, lcosley@yahoo.com, Laura Finlaw <hirelaura@yahoo.com>, mocha_v@msn.com, jlisaiah4031@yahoo.com, silyn.solomon@mcmaster.com, peggywsn@aol.com, fowlerda@bellsouth.net, kelvin.wilson@daimler.com, timbocooper@aol.com, la31@cornell.edu, zarida.brokenborough@ml.com, kbayconish@hvc.rr.com, merlyn@nc.rr.com, philacarr@yahoo.com, jodgepodge@gmail.com, w.scott40@verizon.net, Bible Study Group, Julie Lee/Burlington/IBM@IBMUS, "acm406@hotmail.com", "cathyfwang@gmail.com", "christine_waithe@yahoo.com", "kchrissy@msn.com", "lauramlucas@gmail.com", "patty@liquidchurch.com", "zuraida.pugh@yahoo.com", kaiserjak@gmail.com, terrilmathews@yahoo.com, kimqunett@gmail.com, James Latta <wegoperu@gmail.com>, "Larry & Susan Salay" <larrysusan_salay@wbt.org>, "Craig and Jamey Cihak " <us@cihaks.com>, alanrbb@yahoo.com,
Date: 01/31/2013 07:37 PM
Subject: Beyond Big Blue...
Well, this email marks my last one as an IBMer. As of tomorrow, February 1, 2013, I will be venturing into the unknown of life beyond Big Blue. This journey is by choice, with the ultimate goal to live out the conviction expressed in my signature quote below -- sooner rather than later. I must say that I'm quite excited about what lies ahead!
Nonetheless, there is sadness about leaving a place that has been so integral to who I am for almost 16 years. During my tenure, I had the opportunity to work on some amazing (and, yes, often times CHALLENGING:->) projects, with an awesome assortment of individuals - many of whom have remained friends, and some becoming almost like family members. And that is what I will miss the most: The people. IBM indeed attracts the best and the brightest. The talent in this company is awe-inspiring. It's been a blessing to be a member of several teams that have made tremendous contributions to the achievements of what I still consider a great company.
But beyond the talent was just the genuine camaraderie, the laughter, the fun, the kindness, the servant-heartiness, the ready willingness to help each other in a crunch. I can only hope and pray that whatever I end up doing next, I'll have the good fortune of doing it with a similar caliber of folks.
In any case, though I'm leaving Big Blue, I'm not going away. My phone numbers are below and my external email is kimqunett@gmail.com (and yes, for all who have wondered what my middle initial stands for, you now know
).
If you have my current IBM email in your address book, please be
sure to replace with this new one.
And with that, I bid you adieu. All the Best to everyone and God Bless!
Kim Q. Ivey
Cloud Systems Software ID
kimivey@us.ibm.com
205- 393-5028 (cell)
732-659-6143 (home)
"We each have a dream, a vision of life that corresponds to our convictions, embodies our uniqueness, and expresses what is life-giving to us. Daily we make choices that are either consistent with or contrary to our vision. A life of integrity is born of fidelity to that dream." - Brennan Manning
From: Kim Ivey/Poughkeepsie/IBM
To: DEPT269-REG, Synergy Development-eServer-WW, Sandra Kipp/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, holttl@us.ibm.com, tae@us.ibm.com, jenjohnson77@gmail.com, yoan@us.ibm.com, kingl@us.ibm.com, Jennifer Raisig/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, Christopher Dawson/Raleigh/IBM, Royce Espey/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, Stephen Bream/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, apjones@us.ibm.com, Paula Cross/Almaden/IBM@IBMUS, lolitaj@aol.com, anitaparrita2@gmail.com, aprilnichelle1729@yahoo.com, kimgentrymusic@gmail.com, miracle@us.ibm.com, lcosley@yahoo.com, Laura Finlaw <hirelaura@yahoo.com>, mocha_v@msn.com, jlisaiah4031@yahoo.com, silyn.solomon@mcmaster.com, peggywsn@aol.com, fowlerda@bellsouth.net, kelvin.wilson@daimler.com, timbocooper@aol.com, la31@cornell.edu, zarida.brokenborough@ml.com, kbayconish@hvc.rr.com, merlyn@nc.rr.com, philacarr@yahoo.com, jodgepodge@gmail.com, w.scott40@verizon.net, Bible Study Group, Julie Lee/Burlington/IBM@IBMUS, "acm406@hotmail.com", "cathyfwang@gmail.com", "christine_waithe@yahoo.com", "kchrissy@msn.com", "lauramlucas@gmail.com", "patty@liquidchurch.com", "zuraida.pugh@yahoo.com", kaiserjak@gmail.com, terrilmathews@yahoo.com, kimqunett@gmail.com, James Latta <wegoperu@gmail.com>, "Larry & Susan Salay" <larrysusan_salay@wbt.org>, "Craig and Jamey Cihak " <us@cihaks.com>, alanrbb@yahoo.com,
Date: 01/31/2013 07:37 PM
Subject: Beyond Big Blue...
Well, this email marks my last one as an IBMer. As of tomorrow, February 1, 2013, I will be venturing into the unknown of life beyond Big Blue. This journey is by choice, with the ultimate goal to live out the conviction expressed in my signature quote below -- sooner rather than later. I must say that I'm quite excited about what lies ahead!
Nonetheless, there is sadness about leaving a place that has been so integral to who I am for almost 16 years. During my tenure, I had the opportunity to work on some amazing (and, yes, often times CHALLENGING:->) projects, with an awesome assortment of individuals - many of whom have remained friends, and some becoming almost like family members. And that is what I will miss the most: The people. IBM indeed attracts the best and the brightest. The talent in this company is awe-inspiring. It's been a blessing to be a member of several teams that have made tremendous contributions to the achievements of what I still consider a great company.
But beyond the talent was just the genuine camaraderie, the laughter, the fun, the kindness, the servant-heartiness, the ready willingness to help each other in a crunch. I can only hope and pray that whatever I end up doing next, I'll have the good fortune of doing it with a similar caliber of folks.
In any case, though I'm leaving Big Blue, I'm not going away. My phone numbers are below and my external email is kimqunett@gmail.com (and yes, for all who have wondered what my middle initial stands for, you now know
And with that, I bid you adieu. All the Best to everyone and God Bless!
Kim Q. Ivey
Cloud Systems Software ID
kimivey@us.ibm.com
205- 393-5028 (cell)
732-659-6143 (home)
"We each have a dream, a vision of life that corresponds to our convictions, embodies our uniqueness, and expresses what is life-giving to us. Daily we make choices that are either consistent with or contrary to our vision. A life of integrity is born of fidelity to that dream." - Brennan Manning
End to the beginning, Part II
(See part I here: http://but-for-his-grace.blogspot.com/2012/12/end-to-beginning.html)
So...12/14/12 was not my last day at IBM.
It's funny. I had resigned last fall with everything set for me to end my tenure at IBM on 12/14 (with two weeks vacation to take me to the end of the year). At the same time that I resigned, my division enforced this new initiative to move all full-time work at home employees to within 20 miles of a main site OR have the employee get swapped into a position based at one of those sites (Poughkeepsie, NY, Raleigh, NC, Rochester, MN and Austin, TX). Since I knew I was leaving at the end of the year, I didn't want to get swapped into a job in POK (thus allowing me to continue working from home) nor did I want to move back to the area just until the end of the year. Even though my manager knew I was leaving, she wanted to try to do a swap so that she could replace me with a US worker. As it stands now, whenever anyone leaves our division, they're back-filling with inexperienced hires from India. However, to my joy (and her regret), she was unable to swap me into a job in POK. She knew how much I really wanted to move on, so told me she would work out a plan for me to get a severance package, which would essentially be like getting laid off. That would also allow me to get unemployment. I was happy with that plan. I had only expected to leave with my savings and 401K. So, the idea of being able to collect unemployment - the first time I've ever done so - gave me a sense of comfort.
I also started the process of applying to PhD programs and preparing for the GMAT. However, I took the GMAT twice, the last time on 12/29, and my scores were not the best. I started to get nervous about my "future plans". The plans I really shouldn't have had because when I originally felt the assurance I should leave IBM, back in the spirng of last year, the word to me was clearly that I needed to leave without having any real understanding what I would do and to rely solely on the Lord to provide for Jonathan and I as He led me to that next thing. But I'm a planner, so I had to get a plan in place, and the pursuit of a PhD made the most sense. It also was a cushion from questions about "Well, what are you going to do?" or "Do you really want to leave a good paying job with benefits when you have a small child to take care of??"
So, here I was at the start of the year, nervous about what's ahead - and at the start of the year still not out of IBM. Why? A week before what was supposed to be my last day, my manager informed me that HR wouldn't give her clearance to process me out until after she was able to give me my PBC (personal business commitments) rating for the year. PBCs are what our yearly bonuses and pay increases are based on. I was okay with that, just one or two weeks more of being with the company wasn't a big deal.
However, when we came back from the Christmas break, my manager asked if she could call me. I said sure. I was nervous that she was gonna tell me that the severance and "layoff" plan was off the table. At this point I had factored that money into my post-IBM budget. Again, trying to take care of things according to a defined plan.
Well, instead she proposed that I stay on as the Editor for the team - a new role that would be implemented because of all the India writers coming on board - and because the content of the US writers hadn't been officially edited in about 5 years (no funding for an editor). The role would also include pulling together an official quality plan and some other work. I was like: "I thought Heather (an official, trained editor) was gonna take on that role". Her response: Heather is resigning. She won't be with us as of January 18. She's gonna pursue her dream of getting a degree in Biology and working with animals."
I was a confused mess. This is almost exactly what happened back in 2004 when I tried to resign while on leave with Habitat for Humanity. I resigned and then right before my manager had to process the paper work he was like "Why don't we extend your leave a little longer so you can make sure you really want to leave." Now, at that time, the Lord supernaturally made it very clear I should return and I did. However, this time, in all my praying to get a clear understanding of what the heck was going on...why I could not seem to get clear and free of this company when, in the past year, 4 other team members had left without issue, I received no clear direction from the Lord. The silence left me that much more confused. On top of that, I was still under stress about the GMAT scores and the likelihood that I would not be accepted into a PhD program. So, without any clear word from God after about 5 days of prayer and pondering, I told Laura I would take the job. Did I want to be an editor? No. Had I ever, in my almost 16 years with the company want to be an editor? No. But I was feeling that it was a foolish move to not at least try the job. It felt like what I SHOULD do.
Nonetheless, after a week of sleepless nights and not being happy with my decision to stay, I went back to my manager and told her that I couldn't take the job and re-resigned. Of course, now the severance and lay off are off the table. Now, I would be leaving like I felt that I was supposed to leave in April of 2012: Not really knowing what's ahead, with just my savings and maybe the ability to withdrawal a bit off the top of my 401k to hold me over until whatever I'm supposed to be doing next materializes.
And that is the story as of today, 2/1/13. 1/31/13 was my last official day as an IBMer. It's so surreal. I feel like I'm just on vacation or on another leave of absence and that eventually I'll return to the same ole same ole. No - not this time. This is for real. 16 years of my life - a vast chunk of my life - especially these past almost 8, intense years, are now history. There will be no new IBM memories - no new stresses or strains - worries or concerns - griping and mumbling - seeking and striving to get out of dodge. I AM OUT OF DODGE.
Lord have mercy! What have I done!?
A good thing. The best thing. An exciting, LORD OF MERCY, thing!
My words for this year:
Psalm 63:3 - Your unfailing love is better than life itself. How I will praise you all the days of my life.
Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord WHATEVER you do and He WILL ESTABLISH YOUR PLANS
Provers 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART, Kim - DO NOT lean on your own understanding. ACKNOWLEDGE HIM in all that you do, Kim and HE WILL DIRECT your path.
PRAISE HIM
COMMIT MYSELF TO HIM
TRUST HIM
In this year ahead I will be tested to do all of these things and to BELIEVE and not be unbelieving that He has a purpose in all this and that He will enable me to discern it and walk it out. That He remembers the giving He has enabled me to do and that He will allow Jonathan and I to reap a harvest of vineyards that I did not plant, houses that I did not build. He will provide for me and Jonathan out of the riches of HIS GLORY IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD. I have to stand on the word to me that to walk away from what doesn't make sense to walk away from during a time that it doesn't make sense to take that walk is because I can trust that by obediently going out into the deep, HE WILL Bless me to bring in a large haul. I will. I shall. I can!
Let the adventure begin!
So...12/14/12 was not my last day at IBM.
It's funny. I had resigned last fall with everything set for me to end my tenure at IBM on 12/14 (with two weeks vacation to take me to the end of the year). At the same time that I resigned, my division enforced this new initiative to move all full-time work at home employees to within 20 miles of a main site OR have the employee get swapped into a position based at one of those sites (Poughkeepsie, NY, Raleigh, NC, Rochester, MN and Austin, TX). Since I knew I was leaving at the end of the year, I didn't want to get swapped into a job in POK (thus allowing me to continue working from home) nor did I want to move back to the area just until the end of the year. Even though my manager knew I was leaving, she wanted to try to do a swap so that she could replace me with a US worker. As it stands now, whenever anyone leaves our division, they're back-filling with inexperienced hires from India. However, to my joy (and her regret), she was unable to swap me into a job in POK. She knew how much I really wanted to move on, so told me she would work out a plan for me to get a severance package, which would essentially be like getting laid off. That would also allow me to get unemployment. I was happy with that plan. I had only expected to leave with my savings and 401K. So, the idea of being able to collect unemployment - the first time I've ever done so - gave me a sense of comfort.
I also started the process of applying to PhD programs and preparing for the GMAT. However, I took the GMAT twice, the last time on 12/29, and my scores were not the best. I started to get nervous about my "future plans". The plans I really shouldn't have had because when I originally felt the assurance I should leave IBM, back in the spirng of last year, the word to me was clearly that I needed to leave without having any real understanding what I would do and to rely solely on the Lord to provide for Jonathan and I as He led me to that next thing. But I'm a planner, so I had to get a plan in place, and the pursuit of a PhD made the most sense. It also was a cushion from questions about "Well, what are you going to do?" or "Do you really want to leave a good paying job with benefits when you have a small child to take care of??"
So, here I was at the start of the year, nervous about what's ahead - and at the start of the year still not out of IBM. Why? A week before what was supposed to be my last day, my manager informed me that HR wouldn't give her clearance to process me out until after she was able to give me my PBC (personal business commitments) rating for the year. PBCs are what our yearly bonuses and pay increases are based on. I was okay with that, just one or two weeks more of being with the company wasn't a big deal.
However, when we came back from the Christmas break, my manager asked if she could call me. I said sure. I was nervous that she was gonna tell me that the severance and "layoff" plan was off the table. At this point I had factored that money into my post-IBM budget. Again, trying to take care of things according to a defined plan.
Well, instead she proposed that I stay on as the Editor for the team - a new role that would be implemented because of all the India writers coming on board - and because the content of the US writers hadn't been officially edited in about 5 years (no funding for an editor). The role would also include pulling together an official quality plan and some other work. I was like: "I thought Heather (an official, trained editor) was gonna take on that role". Her response: Heather is resigning. She won't be with us as of January 18. She's gonna pursue her dream of getting a degree in Biology and working with animals."
I was a confused mess. This is almost exactly what happened back in 2004 when I tried to resign while on leave with Habitat for Humanity. I resigned and then right before my manager had to process the paper work he was like "Why don't we extend your leave a little longer so you can make sure you really want to leave." Now, at that time, the Lord supernaturally made it very clear I should return and I did. However, this time, in all my praying to get a clear understanding of what the heck was going on...why I could not seem to get clear and free of this company when, in the past year, 4 other team members had left without issue, I received no clear direction from the Lord. The silence left me that much more confused. On top of that, I was still under stress about the GMAT scores and the likelihood that I would not be accepted into a PhD program. So, without any clear word from God after about 5 days of prayer and pondering, I told Laura I would take the job. Did I want to be an editor? No. Had I ever, in my almost 16 years with the company want to be an editor? No. But I was feeling that it was a foolish move to not at least try the job. It felt like what I SHOULD do.
Nonetheless, after a week of sleepless nights and not being happy with my decision to stay, I went back to my manager and told her that I couldn't take the job and re-resigned. Of course, now the severance and lay off are off the table. Now, I would be leaving like I felt that I was supposed to leave in April of 2012: Not really knowing what's ahead, with just my savings and maybe the ability to withdrawal a bit off the top of my 401k to hold me over until whatever I'm supposed to be doing next materializes.
And that is the story as of today, 2/1/13. 1/31/13 was my last official day as an IBMer. It's so surreal. I feel like I'm just on vacation or on another leave of absence and that eventually I'll return to the same ole same ole. No - not this time. This is for real. 16 years of my life - a vast chunk of my life - especially these past almost 8, intense years, are now history. There will be no new IBM memories - no new stresses or strains - worries or concerns - griping and mumbling - seeking and striving to get out of dodge. I AM OUT OF DODGE.
Lord have mercy! What have I done!?
A good thing. The best thing. An exciting, LORD OF MERCY, thing!
My words for this year:
Psalm 63:3 - Your unfailing love is better than life itself. How I will praise you all the days of my life.
Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord WHATEVER you do and He WILL ESTABLISH YOUR PLANS
Provers 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART, Kim - DO NOT lean on your own understanding. ACKNOWLEDGE HIM in all that you do, Kim and HE WILL DIRECT your path.
PRAISE HIM
COMMIT MYSELF TO HIM
TRUST HIM
In this year ahead I will be tested to do all of these things and to BELIEVE and not be unbelieving that He has a purpose in all this and that He will enable me to discern it and walk it out. That He remembers the giving He has enabled me to do and that He will allow Jonathan and I to reap a harvest of vineyards that I did not plant, houses that I did not build. He will provide for me and Jonathan out of the riches of HIS GLORY IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD. I have to stand on the word to me that to walk away from what doesn't make sense to walk away from during a time that it doesn't make sense to take that walk is because I can trust that by obediently going out into the deep, HE WILL Bless me to bring in a large haul. I will. I shall. I can!
Let the adventure begin!
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