21-Day Fast - Day 6 - Jonathan's input

Jonathan at the Jardin Du Luxumberg in Paris France, April 2017

I neglected to include Jonathan's prayer requests during this 21-Day fast with our church.  He's fasting his Kindle, which is a HUGE sacrifice on his part, but I believe will be richly rewarded by our Father.  

So, here we go - what Jonathan hopes the Lord will bring to pass as a result of his fast:

1. This is not a request, but more a statement of gratitude:  Thanks for Mr. Norman and all that he did for us when things weren't right.
2. Bless us with a new house.
3. Bless mommy with a new job.

That's it :-).

I have some stuff to say about Mr. Norman, who has been heavy on my heart today.  I'll post about it later.

Caretaking - Part II

I didn't really address the topic of this morning's post.  It was supposed to be about care taking, particularly that of my mother.  My dad - well, he's pretty much self-sufficient and is getting great care in the nursing home. I don't believe that I provide the level of attention to him that I should - don't visit enough, check up enough, call enough - really don't call at all, he usually calls me.  However, my behavior toward him is rooted in more long-term stuff...general uneasiness and awkwardness with him that has existed all of my life. Even now at 50, I have a hard time transcending it - and I know that I should.  I moved  back here in 2009 and he remained marginalized in my life. I barely spoke to him while he was in the house or sat down to spend time with him.  Knowing that life is short and tomorrow is not promised should be enough for me to step it up - give him the time that he deserves.  Yet...Lord help me.

Anyway -- that's a topic for another day to chew on and ... to chew on. 

It's my mother's fall early this morning, and just the general care that she requires now, that is so pressing on me.  She's complained all day about how achy she is. I know she wants acknowledgement about the fall and the danger of it...she wants me to dispaly more empathy and concern. Yet, I've felt very cold about it - even bothered that she keeps complaining. My head is saying, "Get over it. Yes, you're gonna hurt. You fell.  Yet, God kept you from injury. The soreness will dissipate over time.  Just stop already!"

I don't know why I don't have any real sympathy for what happened or alarm.  In a way it's as if I expected it to happen - or better, of course it would happen. Of course.  Only this time, the Lord sent angels of complete protection (yes, He did for my dad, too, I suppose, but was it complete??)  I don't know the cause of the fall.  Will it happen again? Is there some underlying cause?  Should I have taken her to the doctor to get a full exam and not dismissed it as some odd mishap??

She said she was on the floor for hours.  Was she?  Was she calling me for hours?  The thought of it...I mean the severity of that being the case just won't penetrate my heart.  Why have I gotten so callous when it comes to her and my dad - when it comes to their care?

In the the interview I watched yesterday with TD Jakes, he mentioned how he found himself stuck on the runway in a plane for hours.  It frustrated him to no end. He couldn't understand why he was so irritated. He did what most of us tend to do in that type of situation: try to rationalize it - make it not be so bad - bemoan our complaint.  He said it was a lot like what happens when you feel stuck or trapped in a situation, but rationalize that it really isn't so bad and you are blessed - look at all that you have - why are you complaining, get over yourself!  Sorta like what I did in a post earlier this week. 

He came to the realization that his frustration was rooted in being "stuck in a place of movement".  Man...man...man - did that speak to me.  It is what I've felt for so many years now.  This sense of imprisonment with no way of escape.

I was already hardhearted enough to leave my mother by herself when we went to Paris in 2014.  It seems that as a consequence nothing went well for us there at all, propelling me to return early.  Turns out returning was for the best because her memory issues had deteriorated that much more while we were away and there were things that needed to be handled here related to my dad's care that she would have never been able to take care of if I hadn't returned.

I don't want to come off as some martyr. But you don't leave an elderly woman with memory issues alone.  Yet, this same woman will not go into assisted living.  And even if she is in assisted living, I am still stuck.  Jonathan and I have no freedom of movement to go and try to make a way for ourselves in some other part of the country or world. I would still need to keep an eye on my mother and father...care for two homes rather than one.

Days and days are passing me by - Jonathan's youth is being expended - and yet, there is the blessing that he knows his nana and pop-pop and has been able to spend so much quality time with them, especially his nana. 

Father, how do I shake off this frustration?  How do I embrace being stuck in a place of movement - or really - being stuck in a place of inertia - since movement has been lifted from me? 

I suppose my fantasy of a rich husband who comes in and sweeps me off my feet is my way of escape. That he would be the one who could provide some semblance of freedom, whereby my mom and dad could get the best care, even at home, and yet, we could still go and do, and be together - I could live out my dreams of writing/editing/proofreading, philanthropy, child-rearing and working in the community.

Right now it's the only dream that provides respite for me.  Getting a regular job and continuing in this situation...

And even the idea of simply dating and marrying a regular dude, but being required to work outside the home, so adding the care of a husband, job and existing responsibilities...

I'm not rationalizing anymore, Father. I hate this situation.  Yet, I don't want out by death or sickness for anyone.  I love my parents and am happy to have them still here - at the same time, their existence has become such a burden.  It's so hard to reconcile both without feeling utterly shitty about myself and my perceptions of the state of all our lives at this point.

The word says that we are to share in the sufferings of Christ.  I guess that's what this is all about.  It says in this world you will see trouble, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world...

The world has been taking such severe swipes at me and my family these past 5 years, Father.  Relentless, agonizing swipes of sickness, injury, lost, theft and even death (Brandon). 

Father, can you please come in with power and bring relief -- renew joy.  Give me a brand new heart, soft and able to show genuine mercy and kindness - a heart of love -  not this heart of stone.

I'm so desperate for a suddenly blessing - I can barely articulate the depth of my need. 

When Hannah came to you in desperation of heart, You answered her.  You blessed her.  And You blessed her again and again.

Be unto me as you were to Hannah, Father.  Respond expediently in the same way that you did for her.  I am waiting...

21-Day Fast - Day 5 - Caretaking

So, this morning, around 5 am, I hear Jonathan's little voice speaking - waking me out of a deep sleep.  I call out to him and he comes to the door to tell me that "Nana needs you." Groggy, I get up and we go downstairs to hear my mother calling my name.  Jonathan's bedroom is right over her bedroom, which is why he heard her first, and thank God he did. She was laid out on the floor beside her bed!  Strangely, she was laid out with her head at the foot of the bed. She said she fell out of bed, but I don't think that was possible. Likely she got up and felt dizzy and fainted.  Angels caught her and made sure she fell specifically between the small space between the bed and the bathroom wall, otherwise she could have majorly injured herself, similar to what happened to my dad on May 14, 2013, when he fell out of bed and suffered the cervical spinal injury that eventually led him to nursing home care.

My mother was sore, but no injuries, praise God. I was able to get her up and back into the bed. After a few Tylenol tablets, she went back to sleep and woke later in the morning feeling much better.  Jonathan remained calm the whole time - he is amazing.  He is truly the gift that his name personifies (gift of God).  We both went back to sleep and awoke later to start our day.

To see my mother lying there of course brought back flashbacks of that faithful day back in 2013.  Somewhat like the consecrated place I am with the Lord right now during this fast, I was endeavoring to give over my mornings to the Lord for quiet time.  I had a real push inside me to make sure I got up early on the 14th of May to spend that time with him.  In the midst of this quiet space, my mother's voice broke through, calling me to come downstairs. There was my dad, lodged between the bed and the wall, his leg burnt by the radiator, because he no longer had feeling in his extremities.  From there was the start of a roller-coaster emotional trajectory that lasted from that point up until this past Sunday, before the fast.

In many ways, I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown, one that manifested in decisions and drinking and other behavior that took me away from where the Lord had been trying to take me prior to the event.  Possibly, the seeds of this breakdown really started when I got connected to Kay. A lot of decisions I made in the wake of meeting and connecting with him were totally not of the Lord, but of my flesh, and I reaped the consequences.  My dad's fall simply ignited what would be 5 of the most tumultuous years of my life.  I sense the enemy was trying to get me off track again with my mom's fall today.

Father God, I know you are moving me back in step with you and your plans for my life and Jonathan's life.  The enemy hates it. He wants me sitting every evening on the couch, downing wine and vodka gimlets, drowning out my worries and indecisiveness, keeping me discouraged and hopeless, with no direction or plan to get out.

However, this time, I'm not gonna fall for his tricks. I'm standing strong in the might of Jesus, and know that this is only the beginning of great days for my life and Jonathan's.  Falling into step with you, Lord, is perfectly timed for this season of my life.  I will not be derailed.

Yesterday, I watched a YouTube interview of TD Jakes about his book, SOAR with Steven Furtick of Elevation Church.  The book addresses how to make your dream of a business, non-profit, whatever it is you feel called to do, come to pass in your life.  It was fascinating and I learned a lot.

I'm seeing now that my idea for a non-profit that is funded through editing/proofreading work can happen.  Father, you have massaged this idea and sculpted it into a bit of a different form from what I originally envisioned.  Originally, it was purely a non-profit to route money to individuals in long-term Christian Service and providing a place of respite for them when they had sabbatical time.

Now I see that my gift of writing, editing, proofreading can be used to fund the foundation and be a place where I can share about the different organizations that I currently support and maybe find out about others who need a forum. Maybe providing specific help for missionaries and Christian workers who want to write devotionals, pamphlets, or books that highlight their experiences in the field.

Father, I need your wisdom and direction. I want this to work and to be prosperous. I would like to be able to give 80% of what is donated and live off of 20%.  How do you make that happen?  Please make it happen.

I need wisdom, Father, about a name, marketing, Web site, business cards, pricing.  Enable me to develop a clear business plan. Show me where I can get start-up funding, if needed.  Pour out your favor so that I get clients and am able to do a good work for them.  Keep me accountable. Steer me the direction of mentors.  Help me, Lord.

Above all, if this is not of you, than make that very clear to me.  I want to do what You want me to do. Let me not get offtrack.

I'm depending on You alone.  You alone, Father...

Going to the next level

"Present my heart to the Lord and let Him heal it and not act crazy when He's scalping and fixing it."

The above quote is from an amazing teaching from the Prophet, Jennifer Eivaz:  "The Heart of an Intercessor".

In it she talks about there being a next level for us where things are going to be restored and recovered, but not until we allow the Lord to do a healing in us.  This spoke to me, for I know that I've not allowed Him to complete this kind of surgical healing in my life for all these 7-10 years.  I've resorted to alcohol, medicating on TV, rage, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, isolation, bitterness, and controlling others.

There is a grace - and I stand it, and believe my Father is working on my behalf in response to it - yet, I still need to be healed from the inside out.

Father God - move the Holy Spirit to work a work of complete healing inside me - inside my heart.  It has gotten so hard. I've found it difficult to empathize with others and their difficulties - even their pain, such as my mother and my father - their aches and pains - their complaints. Jonathan and situations he encounters socially.  People dealing with financial issues like my sister-in-law, or emotional trauma, like Lolita, or Brandon when he was still living, Anthony and Alex, and many others.  I find myself irritated by them rather than having a heart of love and care toward them.  I receive the forgiveness that awaits me for all these trespasses, in the mighty name of Jesus.  I thank you Father, for it.  Heal my heart.  Grant me a new heart of softness - one that displays the fruit of the Holy Spirit:  Kindness, Gentleness, Love, Godliness, Self-Control.  Keep me from bitterness and foulness of thought, action and words.  May the meditation of my heart and the words from my mouth be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Enable me to pray for others rather than complain about them - to hold bitterness toward them.  When I see myself rolling my eyes in response to a person's name, I know for sure that there is unforgiveness there.  I still hold anger and resentment toward Kay.  There is anger toward my dad because I don't believe he's done all he can to really get stronger so he's not bound to a wheelchair. There's anger toward my mother's bloodline and the fact that out of all her siblings, she's the one that had to be struck with memory issues. There's anger that I'm stuck caring for my parents - why couldn't they be self-sufficient like Ike and Jean or Joan and Sam.

Heal my heart, Lord, of this bitterness and anger towards these individuals.  I pray blessings over their lives - that you pour out your love upon them. That they be strengthened by You, that You prosper them in every way.  I've felt that Kay doesn't deserve more than what he has  - that he really doesn't deserve what he has.  That he's not a real man or a real husband or a real father.  I've compared him to others on a regular basis and made sure that he always falls short.  I resent that he's Jonathan's dad and the fact that he doesn't spend time with him and then I also rejoice in the fact that Jonathan doesn't really have a relationship with him, because of my dislike of his character and my perceptions of him as a person.  I come now in the mighty name of Jesus and utterly destroy each and everyone of these foul thoughts toward Kay.  I command now, in the name of Jesus, untold blessings of health, prosperity and wholeness in Kay's life.  I declare and decree in the mighty name of Jesus that Kay is walking in a renewed, empowered relationship with Jesus Christ and that the outflow of this relationship will be restoration and strengthening of all of his family and work relationships and that he is stepping into a love affair with you like he has never before experienced in his life. Father, this is my prayer for my dad, as well...for my mother...for Lolita...for Tawana...for April...for Frank...for Anthony Chiles...for my nephew, Anthony...for Alex...for Maria...for Yoan...for Michael...for Abril...for all those dear to me, in the mighty name of Jesus.

I asked you earlier today to pour out a blessing in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that we would not be able to contain it. This is my prayer for each person mentioned above.  As you heal them and bless them, continue to do your surgical, precise healing in me. I need it.  I can't continue living without it.

In the name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN.

21-Day Fast - Day 4 - Elixir

My addiction to my nightly alcohol elixir is virtually gone.  It was hard the first two nights and then last night, I had a couple of tasty cookies, which did the trick.  Today I saw that some of the weight I've put back on since the marathon is falling off. That felt good.  I'm sleeping a bit better at night, that's also good.  What's mostly good is that I believe that after 21 days the need for a cocktail or wine to salve my angst will be gone.  Maybe a return to writing is also helping me achieve this goal.

Venting is healthy. Not so much in the cursing, foul way that I do on the regular through my mouth - *sigh* - but simply having an avenue to express myself is a great relief.  Why I stayed away from this blog for so long, I don't know.

Today I had another cursing, I'm sick and tired of this bulls*&^%t, session after getting yet another request for money from my sister-in-law.  It's not so much the request. I want to help - it's a blessing to help. My specific spiritual gift is giving - particularly financial gifts.  It's just that it feels like all I'm doing is giving and sowing and giving and sowing, but a tangible overflow back to me hasn't manifested itself. For me overflow is not necessarily a financial reward, but it would be maybe pipes not bursting or possums and squirrels not tearing up the house - cars not breaking down - roofs not requiring repair - a viable job that fits the pressing, personal responsibilities that I have - a job that I enjoy, that's flexible with good pay and benefits -- better - an answer to my truest desire:  a Godly husband who says, "Don't worry about working outside the home. I got this!"

The reality is that I am blessed. I'm not in need or want. Things aren't perfect but nothing is perfect this side of heaven.  However, it's pretty close to perfect.  Everything we could possibly need we have and much more. EVERYTHING.  I should have NO complaint whatsoever.  In many ways, I still manifest the attitude of the son who stayed with the father while his prodigal brother went off with his inheritance and wasted it all on women and wine.  I'm not always able to see HOW BLESSED I AM ALREADY and all that my Father has made available to me.  It's a trick of satan and I fall for it all the time.

Why is it so hard to focus on what is already good in our lives? Why should giving someone money when they're in need cause me to be angry at God for not doing the "extra" that I want Him to do in my life. I'm able to give, even though my funds are low, because I don't have excessive rent, my mother is paying all of the utilities, my main expenses are groceries, car payment, gas, garbage pick-up, car insurance, tithes, offerings, hair, and recreation for me and Jonathan.  I don't need much to live on.  Kay's $500 per month goes a long way to help, as well. I could definitely get more for Jonathan, but it's enough. It's enough.

Father, help me to always see that I AM BLESSED and I AM BLESSED to BE A BLESSING. Whether abased or abounding, I need to be content, just like the Apostle Paul. We have our health, shelter, clothes on our back.  Enough money to live on, to save and to give away. No, I'm not making 100K+ per year. Even when I did make that kind of money, I still felt like I didn't have enough!  It's all perspective.  I don't want to have a miser complex. I want to always be ready and willing to help someone when they are in need. 

In any case, along with the fast, I was hoping to sow a single unemployment check (gross) in the month of January, which would be $677.  I've given into the Haiti trip for our church- that was $100 and I plan to send my oldest friend's son, who is a college student, $100, and I've just sent my sister-in-law $500, so that covers that $677 seed, with a little extra on top.

My sweet, S. African friend Winsome, who I met in Paris (our friendship journey will require a whole post altogether) has been facing a lot of hardship over the past few years, which we thought was on its way to being remedied on her return to China for an ESL teaching assignment.  The initial assignment did not work out as planned and she was in dire straits trying to find accommodations and another job.  She was on the brink of giving up and going back to S. Africa. The Lord moved me to declare His word over her life - His promises - and to encourage her to believe for BIG things and that she would not have to go back to S. Africa.  Two days later, she emails news of a great assignment, with great pay, and a travel and housing stipend, doing the kind of teaching she really wanted to do, smack dab in the middle of Beijing.

My sister-in-law's request today felt that much more sour because once again I saw the Lord move quickly in response to my intercession for someone else, yet my specific prayers remained unanswered.

However, I'm reminded now how Winsome always makes sure to attach a prayer request with her seed - whether a tithe or offering. I haven't done that. Over the past 6 months, the Lord has poured out a lot of financial seed through me into the lives of people around me.  If I count all the seed of the past 20 years, it would be more than I could measure. He has flowed through me mightily to bless others.

Father, today, I'm bringing each and every offering back to your attention, particularly that which was given out in the past few months and in previous periods of my life, like while in Paris in 2014, when money was very low, but you still purposed for me to bless others with financial offerings.

Please see fit to POUR OUT A BLESSING in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that there be not room enough to receive it (Malachi 3:10).  Fulfill this promise in my life and this one, as well:

Father, I'm asking based on the grace that You're able to grant me by Jesus alone. Even my giving is by Jesus alone, not myself.  So, reward His faithfulness in my life.  Open the doors of heaven.  Give me and Jonathan a suddenly blessing - cause us to shout out loud that you are a God who HEARS and who ANSWERS His children.

In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN!

21-Day Fast - Day 3 - Aesthetically Pleasing

My prayer requests for this year and this fast includes Jonathan's acceptance into an all-boys Christian School located in Princeton called Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart.  I discovered the school in a central jersey mag last summer while getting an oil change on my car.  I had never heard of the school before and was fascinated with its mission, vision and focus on shaping the hearts and minds of young boys into young men.  The school spoke to me and seemed to be a perfect fit for Jonathan, who has had some difficulties socially at his public school, though he is excelling academically.

I attended an open house in November, but arrived late and had to leave early due to Jonathan's Christmas Play rehearsal. I plan to attend another, shorter open house/seminar next Thursday.  I hope to get some questions answered related to funding to attend, cause Lord knows I do not have the money right now to pay for the school and would require a substantial scholarship.  This is where I need the favor of you, Father God, to move expediently on Jonathan's behalf... to first enable him to be accepted and then for all the funding required to be made available - every year that he attends, which I am believing for till 8th grade.

One of the highlights of the school is it's beautiful library:  

It's even more beautiful in person. Just stunning.

It's a serene learning space that I would have loved to spend time reading in and exploring when I was Jonathan's age.  We both are all about aesthetics.  He's enchanted with the building and once he's living and breathing the vision of the school, I know in my heart that he will thrive there and obtain the tools to walk out what the You have envisioned for his life - what You, Father, have purposed him to become.

Speaking of aesthetics, I find that it feeds a lot of what brings me peace and comfort.  I loved working at Brio Point, not just because of the job itself and working for Laurie, but in large part because of the calm and beautiful office setting.  I still can't shake that expanse of windows next to my desk and even my desk itself - a large, draft-like table made of frosted glass.  All day Adele music or Adele-like music flowed through the air and most of the time I was in the office alone. I gladly commuted there daily on sometimes congested 287 knowing that a place of peace was at the end of my journey.  

The way a building feels and looks - how neat and clean - how much light bounces through and from it - the furnishings - the paint colors - all of that sings to me, either like a chorus of angels, if everything is done right, like the Brio Point office in Bedminister - or clangs, clangs, clangs like a loud, obnoxious gong, like - well, a friend's church building in Branchburg, as an example.  The building exterior is unkempt as is the inside. The children's area a mess and the banquet area, well, a bit worn for the wear.  It's dark and dank and just unappealing. The people there, however, are absolutely wonderful.  And my friend and her husband are indeed very much relational, people-centric folks.  They don't mind dust or a little clutter, crumbs on the floor or counter, things not just right - as long as there is joy, and laughter, and fellowship.  So, for them, their church is awesome and when they visited Life Church, which is newer construction, and for me aesthetically beautiful in a post-modern, industrial way, it didn't resonate at all with them. I believe they felt the same level of love and warmth they receive at their church, but in an all out comparison, they were still trying to recruit me and Jonathan to attend where they go. No.  I'll take the warm and loving fellowship that I receive at Life Church WITH great lighting, beautiful, open, spaces, and bathrooms that are very clean, spacious, and modern.

That's just me.

I have an interview for a job next week for an organization called Center for Supportive Schools. It's an awesome org that provides tools and programs that promote and encourage students to remain and excel in school, graduate and obtain post-secondary education, despite obstacles they might face in and outside the school.  The programs assists students, school administrations and families and I would join the team as an Administrative and Finance Associate for an FDA funded Tobacco Inspection Program (focused on reducing the number of young adults purchasing tobacco products and starting to use them).  I would love to get this job, Father, though, as related to you yesterday, not working outside the home would be my number one pick 😀.  Nonetheless, I took a drive out to the offices today to make sure I could find the place and was overjoyed by the location and the buildings themselves.  Yes, very, very aesthetically pleasing.  It's located in a business park with Georgian style building, not cold corporate offices.  A lot of places to stroll around and close to businesses in the Montgomery area.  But what really made it special was just how close the office is to Princeton Academy and the location where I would like us to relocate, if possible:  Hopewell, NJ.  From Hopewell to the school is about 10 minutes and then about another 10 minutes from the school to the office.  It would be perfect.

I just need to get the job, first.  Then Jonathan accepted to the school.

Then funding for the school.

Then an affordable place to live in Hopewell, since the salary will be...

I don't even want to mention it.

It's incredibly meaningful work, though. And that's important. If the dream dream is still a bit off, then meaningful work in the interim is of utmost importance to me - salary be damned.

I'm counting on You, Father.  With You all things are possible.  I'm believing You will make a WAY!

21-Day Fast - Day 2 - Anger Management

Lot's of handling other people's business for me today, which always, sadly, rubs me the wrong way - makes me anxious, agitated, irritated and simply foul.  I constantly have to question if I am truly a child of the living God and Bible saved, due to the words that come out of my mouth, the grimace implanted on my face, the wicked thoughts in my head, and sometimes nasty things that I do to others.  Today the negativity spilled out while rushing around to meet up with my dad at his urology appointment, sitting through the appointment with him and then running out to Macy's to get my mom make-up and hopefully getting back to Somerset in time to pick Jonathan up at the bus stop.  Of course, on the way home from Macy's, I hit a traffic jam caused by, I believe, an accident (due to the firetrucks and EMT vehicles that whizzed by us - I pray that everyone was okay).  I was livid. Just disgusted and voiced my disgust all the way from Macy's till I eventually got home.

My agitation was made that much more significant due to my pride getting the better of me. When I realized I wouldn't get to the bus stop by 3:25, I had to humble myself and call sweet Joanne, the grandmother of a young girl at our same bus stop, to see if she could take Jonathan home because I was delayed. She sweetly agreed to do so, even though Emma hadn't gone to school that day and was home sick. Ugh!  I ABSOLUTELY HATE putting people out or asking for favors or asking for help, period.  Yes, pride, pride, pride, pride.  Though I really think it's rooted more in selfishness cause I hate having to do anyone else favors too - hence the agitation described above related to the stuff I needed to do for my parents today...stuff that I should count as a blessing because they are both here, living and breathing to Help!  I should also have simply counted it a blessing to have Joanne to call and for her willingness to help.  Yet, time and time again, my flesh and its self-centeredness gets the VERY BEST OF ME.

By the way:  My outbursts were a complete waste of time.  Why?  Jonathan's bus broke down, so they were delayed leaving the school. When I got home, I noticed another neighbor's car was still at the bus stop, so I drove to it, and lo and behold, Joanne was sitting there with her husband, still waiting for Jonathan.  I thanked her profusely and they went on their way while I sat another 10 minutes. The bus didn't arrive until almost 4 PM.  Don't tell me our Father doesn't have a sense of humor...

Nonetheless, this pride/selfishness thing really is a burden.  I sometimes believe that I simply lived too many years alone and spent quite a bit too much time even as a youngster alone.  It made me incredibly self-sufficient, stingy with space and time, and self-centered.  I've been on a 10 year scrubbing by the Lord to scrape all that off of me.  I talked in my last post about the Lord having a specific purpose for me to move back to NJ.  Right now I'm believing it simply was this scourging work that still hasn't been completed - heck, I'm not sure the first layer has been scrubbed off yet.  I went from having at most discontent with my job and weight/self-image issues - oh, and not being in love/with a boyfriend/or married - as my primary issues in life, to getting knocked up outside of wedlock, caring for a child alone, than bearing primary responsibility for elderly parents, one with memory loss, and the other in nursing care due to mobility issues, and a rickety rackety old house that constantly requires repairs - on top of that, poor life decisions have me living paycheck to paycheck and essentially without any real plan in place to get up out of where I'm at so that everyone is in a much better place, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.

But maybe this was God's plan after all. To take me from a place of great self-sufficiency, where I didn't have to worry about anyone - where my parents were cool - I had no child to care for - and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted to a place where folks are depending on me and I would have to be forced to depend on others from time to time.

I HATE IT!!

And I'm not sure what this scourging will achieve in the long run. So far, I'm no more able to deal with these responsibilities than I was 7 years ago when they first started to rear their heads in my life.  In fact, I feel even more out of control and vulnerable to breakdown and upset.  I know the Lord is the answer.  "Come ye all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you strength". Yes, I know this word and I know it's true, yet...yet...yet...

Today's devotion from Tim Cooper was about truly stepping into the grace of God for our lives.  To ask for bold, big things that WE DO NOT DESERVE.  Based on my poor behavior, my foul mouth, my anxious, fearful, dreadful thoughts, my discontent, my anger, my resentment, and every other ugly thing you can think of, I'm having a hard time imagining how I can believe God to give me the deep desires of my heart or for Him to speedily fulfill His word in my life.

However, that is grace:  giving us way more than what we deserve. Mercy on the other hand is not taking me out based on what foul things I've done - and Lord knows He has given me MUCH mercy.  But grace?  Have I really, truly tapped into it?

I still find myself feeling unworthy to be granted anything good - and that of course my prayers haven't been answered because I don't know how to act right and mess up so much. What kind of woman of God are you, anyway?  If people could see how you REALLY are??  For sure God does, so do you really think He wants to do anything good for you??!

Romans 5:8 -But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Hmm...yes, the word does say that.  So, if our Father would be willing to give up His son to a horrifying death even while we were still sinners, why should I doubt that once saved He would not still grant me more of this grace:

Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?

True dat😉.

Tim went on to say that we need to do as Paul encouraged the Hebrews:

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

What do I need?  No, what do I want that the Lord almighty knows I do not deserve?

Yesterday, I said I wouldn't write my current prayer requests in this blog, but heck, Tim has encouraged me to step it up, especially in light of how UNWORTHY I KNOW I AM.  So here I go:

I don't want a job outside the home, Father.  Grant me, by Jesus, marriage to a genuinely Godly man, not unlike Dave Meyer, who loves me as Christ loves the church, who is spirit-filled, a giver, handsome to me, healthy and in shape, wears glasses, and comes from a sane, neat, loving family, and who loves Jonathan as if he is his very own son - loves and cares for him VERY well - and is a great example of what it means to be a man of God striving for excellence in his walk with the Lord and his interactions with others.  Grant us, by Jesus, a passionate, marriage that gets better over time, and enable us together to bring more Glory to you, Father, than either of us could ever manage alone.  Enable and give me over to caring for this man, our home, our children and our parents as my primary vocation.  Grant this to me in this calendar year, 2018. I already have the dress!

Open the door WIDE OPEN for Jonathan to be accepted to and to attend Princeton Academy, starting in September 2018, by Jesus.

Move my mother to agreement to sell this house and to move into assisted living and give us a buyer of this home who will pay top dollar, whether for redevelopment or to live.  Make my mother's transition to assisted living one that is full of peace and not dread.  Grant her comfort there, in the mighty name of Jesus!  Enable all of this to take place before the end of the summer of 2018.

Bless us (Jonathan, my husband and I) with a lovely, warm, inviting home, on a big plot of beautiful land, but still near amenities, like parks and shopping, with a small town feel and a main street, good running routes for me, and kids to play with for Jonathan, and big enough to open up for ministry - such as small women's retreats or providing respite space for missionaries and others in long-term Christian service, a place where we can entertain indoors and out and that we can afford on my husband's salary alone.  Make him a man of means, who prospers greatly in his vocation, so that we always have more than enough to live on, to save and to give away!

Fulfill the word you audibly spoke to me in August 2015, Father.  This is between You and me. I heard you.  I heard You clearly. I know it was You and I know You are able to do it.

I ask all these things, even in the wake of my actions, words and thoughts today - even only a few minutes ago when I had to help my mom find the make-up she misplaced that I just brought for her earlier today (yes, I was agitated and didn't go about helping her in a loving, sweet way - *sigh*) - in the mighty and precious name of Jesus Christ, by whom I can receive all things from the Father.  Only BELIEVE and RECEIVE.

AMEN!