It's funny. I find that the Lord tends to answer my quiet, effortless prayers with a quickness that dumbfounds me. The heartfelt, digging my nails in the ground prayers -- I tend to wait, and wait, and wait. I think sometimes the quiet ones are the ones where I'm utterly inline with His will or utterly and completely out of line - so the answer comes fast -- or maybe just sometimes He knows how weary I am and how desperate I am for a word from Him - so He responds. I don't know. It's just amazing when it happens.
I continue to struggle with this word from Him that was so clear to me but so hard to accept: That my vocation is marriage and family. I can't seem to shake the doubt that what I heard was what I heard. Maybe it's just in my head. Maybe I made it up. It just doesn't make sense. I have a son to care for and elderly parents to look after and support. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. However, the Lord confirmed to me in a supernatural way that it would be okay to leave IBM - that indeed I should - to cast my net out into the deep and I will bring in a big haul. So I did, and then crazy 2013 happened. But early 2013, the Lord spoke to my heart this mission for my life beyond IBM and yet, I can not hold fast to it with the faith and trust that I need to. I continue to struggle with attempts to find a job, worried about if marriage is even for me and if it truly is - whether or not I really want it - that I am doing such a sub-par job right now being a mom and daughter, i can't see how this could at all be a viable vocation for me. It doesn't make sense.
And then I remember Joan Ball and her words that the Lord never gives us a job to do that we are prepared, trained for - look at Noah, Abraham, Gideon, Moses, the Disciples - most of the people in the Bible who went on to do great things to His glory and honor. All imperfect, all untrained, all unprepared.
So, I am that person. Wholly dependent upon my Father to make a way out of no way. To parent Jonathan, to care for and support my parents, to eventually be someone's help meet. Crazy, but so God. So His way. And I have to let Him do it all. I have to take my hands off it and let Him lead me and guide me through these responsibilities and to wait for those that have not come to pass yet. I have to trust that His word is true - that what He spoke to me is true.
Yesterday, Pastor Stanley preached on obeying what God tells you to do, regardless of how much sense it makes to you or anyone else. Obey God and leave the consequences to Him.
My Meditations devotion spoke about not being stubborn like Baalam, who did not want to do what the Lord told Him to do and almost got himself killed in his rebellion, if not for the supernatural intervention of God through a talking Donkey to get him to act right.
And then last night, I quietly asked the Lord once again: Did I hear you right? I mean, I do believe that you spoke to me - and that you gave me scripture confirmation in Hebrews and Habakkuk, but, you know, you usually confirm stuff to me via scripture AND a devotion.
And I left it at that.
So, this morning, my Redemptive Pursuit devotion has this title: Waiting on God. And lo and behold, what is the scripture that the devotion is based on? None other than the scripture the Lord gave me a few months ago when I asked him then, again, to confirm to me if what I heard is what I heard (and me also inquiring if said future husband is what's his name - sigh).
The scripture:
For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.
- Habakkuk 2:3 (NASB)
So, there it is in black & white - my devotion confirmation. So, there it is in front of me, Kim. Will you now let go and let God? Wait on Him. Let Him do His thing. Forget about what other people think - whether you look like a lazy good for nothing. Don't worry about how much money you have or will have. Just wait on God. He will take care of you and Jonathan. He will. In the meantime, do what your heart is crying out for - DRAW NEAR TO HIM. DRINK FROM HIS FULLNESS and be restored, equipped, readied for all that He has for you in the years, decades ahead. Let Him renew you from the inside out. He is preparing you and He will not tarry. What is coming will not delay. It certainly is coming.
Wait on the Lord.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
God's Provision - JESUS IS THE ONLY WAY
Listening to a wonderful teaching by Joseph Prince about God's Provision. He's using the Feeding of the 5000 as his text and it is eye-opening (John 6). I just love how the Lord has taught him to break open the word and reveal deeper truths. Truly marvelous and life-changing. Some great points:
- Why do you think the Holy Spirit shined a focus on Andrew and Phillips's lack of faith? When the miracle happened it shows that God gives His blessings to those who are undeserving.
- God will supply all of my needs not according to the poverty of my faith but according to the riches of His grace.
- Look at Jesus - don't look at my limited funds or the greatness of my need.
- See Jesus in His glory, grace, His love and power and He will see my faith! Look to JESUS FOR EVERYTHING! JESUS ALONE HEALS, JESUS ALONE PROVIDES! JESUS ALONE!
- Andrew & Phillip are pictures of me.
- When I am sick and I look at JESUS ALONE - something happens at the root of that illness - that disease's very root. Children of Israel found healing by looking at the bronze snake - which is a picture of Jesus on the Cross.
- There is LIFE IN ONE LOOK. Look to JESUS! Ignore the devil saying that something is happening - either for me or in me.
- Jesus does not condemn Phillip or Andrew. He supplies according to the riches of His grace.
- You don't have to be smart to follow Jesus. Only God can give wisdom. Wisdom does not depend on IQ.
- If I want Jesus to provide me with His supply - whatever it is:
- SIT DOWN (Jesus told the disciples to make the people sit down - and they sat down in orderly fashion). Rest in Him. Trust in Him. Spend time with Him. Isaiah 30:15 "In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength". It takes time to rest. Whatever time I give to the Lord is NEVER wasted time. He will multiply it back to me. 1 Peter 3 - a woman with quiet spirit, in God's eyes, is very precious. Put down that spirit of haste that is in me - that controls me. Psalm 91 - with long life God satisfies. On the cross, God took what the enemy doesn't want us to have (long life, marriage, children) so that we can have it. Verse 1 - He who dwells (SITS DOWN) in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow of the almighty. Hard to protect a child when it is running around. God will tell me to do the natural - and He will do the supernatural. God supplies all the time. For example, electricity is running in the house but lights won't turn on if you don't plug them in or turn on the switch. PLUG INTO HIS POWER! He made them sit in groups of 100's and 50's. When Israel came out of Egypt they came out in groups of 50. 50 is a picture of 5 - an order of grace. God re-positions us - we are high, sitting in the heavenly places with Christ Jesus - who is at the right hand of God. 5 loaves (grace again). Men 5000 (grace again).
- THANK GOD FOR THE LITTLE (Jesus gave thanks for the 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread). This pleases God most of all. God never despises that which is small. He uses them for His glory. Cannot look to the Lord without the favor of God coming on me. Broke bread (broke one time in the Greek) and gave (a continuous action of giving) to disciples to give out. One act of Jesus body broken on the cross - the blessings from that one act NEVER stops! And He gives as much as we want it (they gave to the people as much as they wanted). God does not give with a stingy hand. Fathomless grace and goodness of the Lord. The supply is always greater than the need. Don't limit God. The 5000 ate till they were filled and still there was 12 baskets full left over. Whatever I divide for his Glory is multiplied back to me. Whatever I subtract from my life for His sake is added back to me. His math is addition by subtraction and multiplication by division. Why the 12 baskets? It's a beautiful picture of the 12 tribes of Israel - after we are blessed (Gentiles) - the overflow will bless the Jews. Like Ruth - the Gentile church - after she ate at Boaz's table (Boaz is a picture of Jesus), she took the leftovers to Naomi (the picture of Israel).
- This story is in all three synoptic gospels
- Priests typically were concerned with fault-finding. However, once Jesus came on the scene, there was an influx of people reporting healings - the removal of faults.
- As Jesus was teaching, His power kept flowing and pressing upon the people to heal them, which includes everyone in the room, including the religious pharisees.
- Jesus wants to be in the center of my life - when that happens, than the circumference is blessed. Everything comes to its fullness - its fruition.
- Son of God became the Son of Man so that all the son's of men could become the Son of God.
- Jesus will always cause me to be the head and not the tail - cause me to dominate and not be dominated by circumstances.
- Unlike the OT, the NT demonstrates God in our midst - to dwell in us and among us. Religious people don't like this. Pharisees wanted God to stay in heaven cause if He is down here, what do they do - they were concerned about their position. They want to keep God and people separate, making their ministry necessary.
- I am transformed by God and His spirit - that is true change. I must behold the glory of God - that is Jesus - full of grace & truth. FAITH IS BRINGING MY EMPTINESS TO HIS FULLNESS!
- He came to be used (remember the woman at the well, who came to him in great thirst and the woman with the issue of blood). Jesus is refreshed by my need - HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED! HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED! HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED!!
- SEE HIM AS THE ANSWER TO MY EVERY NEED!
- DRAW FROM HIS FULLNESS - BE CONFIDENT IN HIS LOVE - IN HIS GOODNESS!
- ONE THING IS NEEDFUL: TO SEE HIS FULLNESS EVERY DAY AND TO DRAW FROM HIM.
- Bartimeus discerned Jesus' fullness even when the Disciples did not.
- Call Jesus is fine enough - that is intimate.
- In old testament prophecy directs the believer. In the NT, prophecy confirms what the Spirit has already spoken to the believer.
- Whenever I put my trust in his grace, I will dwell in the valley of blessings. I might see hard times like Jehoshaphat, but I won't have to fight the battle - GOD WILL! Just praise Him for His grace that endures always!
- God is waiting for me to bring my emptiness to Him.
- The days of do, do, do, do are over. IT IS FINISHED!
- How do I say thank you to the Lord? TAKE MORE FROM HIS FULLNESS!
Friday, January 10, 2014
A new year. Confused as usual...
Well, the point of leaving IBM almost a year ago was to discover my true calling - which at the time I thought was to become a PhD in Organizational Management, and spend the rest of my life reading, researching, writing and teaching. That dream got debunked with the last rejection letter from Rutgers in March. I licked my wounds and hoped to at least salvage the year with more concentrated time with Jonathan and me time figuring out what to do next, through the leadership of Christ. After all, I would have time during the day to seek him in a deeper way and to seek this calling thing. However, other plans prevailed - namely, my father falling out of his bed on May 14, 2013, and pretty much the rest of 2013 beyond his fall being about the work of dealing with the ramifications of his injury.
Then there was also negotiating Jonathan's early intervention. Figuring out his preschool. Confronting premenapausal symptoms that added to my environmental stress. And just an all out despondency because what I had hoped for in my "sabbatical year" simply didn't turn out as I expected.
However, I wrote about this in an older post, so I'm not gonna go into it again here. Leave it to say that despite things not working out as I hoped, because God is sovereign, they clearly worked out as He expected and to His glory and I guess to all of our good. Yes, to all of our good. Let me be affirmative about that. God doesn't like a doubting person.
And that was pretty sarcastic. Forgive me Lord. I'm just a bit - ugh - right now. I've started the new year off on a 21 day fast with Lolita and 3 of her girlfriends, and I guess soon to be acquaintances/friends to me, as well, and other than the enemy not liking it much and attacking all of us in weird ways (for ex., both Lolita and my family went without heat the coldest night of the winter so far), I'm not seeing much in answered prayer. I believe things are gonna come to pass, but the number one thing on my list - a fulfilling job - doesn't seem to coming to pass fast enough for me. However, to think I can rush God is a real laugh fest. I find the more I want something, the slower it seems to arrive.
I just want clarity. Or at least power behind my declarations of what I believe in my heart to be the next thing.
For example, Heather, one of the women on the fast, is currently a successful DA in NYC. Now, her family went through some divorce trauma when she was in college, I believe, and thus, maybe the Lord's favor is a bit denser on her behalf and quicker to be manifest because of it. I just know that Heather, her mom and sister have all hit the lottery when it comes to career satisfaction.
Heather got an undergraduate degree in English and was languishing in a post-undergrad job at Pitney-Bowes. A job she got cause her older sister already worked there. She hated the work, but had no idea what she was gonna do with her English degree. She determined more schooling might be the answer, but what. She didn't want a PhD in English - had no desire to take the GRE subject exam for such an undertaking. And she had pretty much exhausted hitting the deadline for taking a humanities GRE exam because it was like October or November when she decided to pursue additional studies. She wanted to be able to start a program the next fall. The one exam that still had a slot for a December test was the LSATs. She had never though about going to Law School. Had no desire to do so, but she thought, what the heck. Let me sign up and take the exam and see what happens.
So, she submits the application for the exam right on time. Gets a Princeton Review or Kapalan study book. Goes through the study guide briefly and takes some practice exams. She then takes the exam.
From what I recall, before she even gets the scores back and possibly before she even takes the exam, she reisgns from Pitney Bowes and declares "I'm going to Harvard Law School". A lot of moxy, right?
Well, it turns out that she completely aces the LSAT, testing at like the 98th percentile! She only knows about Harvard and Yale. So she applies there. Then she considers schools in towns where she has good friends, like Georgetown in Washington, DC. No, I am not making this up.
Finally, acceptance letters come around and lo and behold, she indeed gets accepted to Harvard.
She accepts.
She excels there.
She goes into corporate law but hates it. Mainly she hates the politics and some of the nasty people she had to work with and for. So, she starts looking elsewhere, while suffering for another year at the corporate gig.
The Lord eventually blesses her with her current DA position, which she absolutely loves. All is good.
Heather's sister: Married to a wealthy European bodyguard to the rich and famous. Have a beautiful daughter. Live in London with a summer home in Turkey. Sister is an entertainment journalist. You can see her on E Television.
Heather's mom: After a grueling separation and divorce, and not having worked in many years because she had been a homemaker and wife of a pastor, moved to NYC to be close to her daughters. They connected her with a headhunter, after I assume crafting a remarkable resume for her based on all that she accomplished as a wife and mother (you can create a great resume based on the myriad of duties and activities - especially as a pastor's wife - that you are responsible for, even if you don't have a traditional 9-5 job), and they secure her a receptionist position at a boutique law firm in the city. Heather's mom's poise and elegance also served her well in such a position. She has no technical skills whatsoever. Does not even know how to use the computer, but does quite well. She's able to parlay that into a job at a bigger law firm and eventually retires from there as the head office manager, with many of the employees absolutely enamored of her.
I would prefer to not have gone through the pain they all suffered before the favor of God fell on them in such tremendous ways, but that is what leaves me wondering: Do you have to go through trauma before the Lord does the absolutely impossible, improbable in your life?
Last year was traumatic for me. The extra 20 lbs on my body - the aches - the lines and age on my face - all attest to that. The strain that I experienced and am still struggling to unload on God, for He asks us to do that - cast our burdens on Him - was and is sometimes unbearable. And yet, my confusion still exists. My declarations for change, for dreams to be fulfilled - well, they fall out into the netherworld, never to become reality.
Why?
Lord, I simply want a job. Give me a job. A job where I don't dread going on Monday and almost don't want to leave on Friday or any day of the work week. A job that fits me. Heather had no idea law would fit her. But it did. I refuse to believe that it's all coincidence. In my heart of hearts it was providential. All lined up timing wise for her to take the LSAT as you designed. Her score was provided through the gifts of intelligence that you gave her. The declaration to attend Harvard Law was placed in her mouth by the Holy Spirit. The acceptance to Harvard was your response to her utterance of faith.
Can you not do the same for me?
Yes, you can.
So, Lord - place in my mouth the declaration of faith. What should I be declaring to do that is so improbable that unless you bring it to pass it just ain't going to happen. What specific skills, talents do I have, maybe even untapped, will enable me to excel and enjoy the work. What is it?
If this marriage and family vocation thing is it - well, Lord, I'm having a hard time seeing it. I'm not experiencing a whole helluva a lot of pleasure dealing with my mother and father, feel like a failure most of the time caring for Jonathan, and though I'm happy about being more connected to Brandon, don't really want to be toooo connected.
Heather, her sister and her mom at least experience (or experienced, in her mom's instance) pleasure in their work. Can I not also be blessed with the same in the vocation you give me? If it is this marriage and family thing, then Lord give me joy in it. Let me wake up excited to do what I need to do in it, go to sleep content about it, and not wanting it to really end. I can be exhausted by the effort and time, but not depleted, discouraged, and despondent. You can enable me to be at once exhausted by all that I have to do, and energized in the doing. That is possible in Christ, who is my righteousness. Who was never weary in caring for others and was always compassionate, willing to extend Himself more and more - even unto the Cross.
Help me Lord to get there.
I'm so, so tired of the confusion.
Then there was also negotiating Jonathan's early intervention. Figuring out his preschool. Confronting premenapausal symptoms that added to my environmental stress. And just an all out despondency because what I had hoped for in my "sabbatical year" simply didn't turn out as I expected.
However, I wrote about this in an older post, so I'm not gonna go into it again here. Leave it to say that despite things not working out as I hoped, because God is sovereign, they clearly worked out as He expected and to His glory and I guess to all of our good. Yes, to all of our good. Let me be affirmative about that. God doesn't like a doubting person.
And that was pretty sarcastic. Forgive me Lord. I'm just a bit - ugh - right now. I've started the new year off on a 21 day fast with Lolita and 3 of her girlfriends, and I guess soon to be acquaintances/friends to me, as well, and other than the enemy not liking it much and attacking all of us in weird ways (for ex., both Lolita and my family went without heat the coldest night of the winter so far), I'm not seeing much in answered prayer. I believe things are gonna come to pass, but the number one thing on my list - a fulfilling job - doesn't seem to coming to pass fast enough for me. However, to think I can rush God is a real laugh fest. I find the more I want something, the slower it seems to arrive.
I just want clarity. Or at least power behind my declarations of what I believe in my heart to be the next thing.
For example, Heather, one of the women on the fast, is currently a successful DA in NYC. Now, her family went through some divorce trauma when she was in college, I believe, and thus, maybe the Lord's favor is a bit denser on her behalf and quicker to be manifest because of it. I just know that Heather, her mom and sister have all hit the lottery when it comes to career satisfaction.
Heather got an undergraduate degree in English and was languishing in a post-undergrad job at Pitney-Bowes. A job she got cause her older sister already worked there. She hated the work, but had no idea what she was gonna do with her English degree. She determined more schooling might be the answer, but what. She didn't want a PhD in English - had no desire to take the GRE subject exam for such an undertaking. And she had pretty much exhausted hitting the deadline for taking a humanities GRE exam because it was like October or November when she decided to pursue additional studies. She wanted to be able to start a program the next fall. The one exam that still had a slot for a December test was the LSATs. She had never though about going to Law School. Had no desire to do so, but she thought, what the heck. Let me sign up and take the exam and see what happens.
So, she submits the application for the exam right on time. Gets a Princeton Review or Kapalan study book. Goes through the study guide briefly and takes some practice exams. She then takes the exam.
From what I recall, before she even gets the scores back and possibly before she even takes the exam, she reisgns from Pitney Bowes and declares "I'm going to Harvard Law School". A lot of moxy, right?
Well, it turns out that she completely aces the LSAT, testing at like the 98th percentile! She only knows about Harvard and Yale. So she applies there. Then she considers schools in towns where she has good friends, like Georgetown in Washington, DC. No, I am not making this up.
Finally, acceptance letters come around and lo and behold, she indeed gets accepted to Harvard.
She accepts.
She excels there.
She goes into corporate law but hates it. Mainly she hates the politics and some of the nasty people she had to work with and for. So, she starts looking elsewhere, while suffering for another year at the corporate gig.
The Lord eventually blesses her with her current DA position, which she absolutely loves. All is good.
Heather's sister: Married to a wealthy European bodyguard to the rich and famous. Have a beautiful daughter. Live in London with a summer home in Turkey. Sister is an entertainment journalist. You can see her on E Television.
Heather's mom: After a grueling separation and divorce, and not having worked in many years because she had been a homemaker and wife of a pastor, moved to NYC to be close to her daughters. They connected her with a headhunter, after I assume crafting a remarkable resume for her based on all that she accomplished as a wife and mother (you can create a great resume based on the myriad of duties and activities - especially as a pastor's wife - that you are responsible for, even if you don't have a traditional 9-5 job), and they secure her a receptionist position at a boutique law firm in the city. Heather's mom's poise and elegance also served her well in such a position. She has no technical skills whatsoever. Does not even know how to use the computer, but does quite well. She's able to parlay that into a job at a bigger law firm and eventually retires from there as the head office manager, with many of the employees absolutely enamored of her.
I would prefer to not have gone through the pain they all suffered before the favor of God fell on them in such tremendous ways, but that is what leaves me wondering: Do you have to go through trauma before the Lord does the absolutely impossible, improbable in your life?
Last year was traumatic for me. The extra 20 lbs on my body - the aches - the lines and age on my face - all attest to that. The strain that I experienced and am still struggling to unload on God, for He asks us to do that - cast our burdens on Him - was and is sometimes unbearable. And yet, my confusion still exists. My declarations for change, for dreams to be fulfilled - well, they fall out into the netherworld, never to become reality.
Why?
Lord, I simply want a job. Give me a job. A job where I don't dread going on Monday and almost don't want to leave on Friday or any day of the work week. A job that fits me. Heather had no idea law would fit her. But it did. I refuse to believe that it's all coincidence. In my heart of hearts it was providential. All lined up timing wise for her to take the LSAT as you designed. Her score was provided through the gifts of intelligence that you gave her. The declaration to attend Harvard Law was placed in her mouth by the Holy Spirit. The acceptance to Harvard was your response to her utterance of faith.
Can you not do the same for me?
Yes, you can.
So, Lord - place in my mouth the declaration of faith. What should I be declaring to do that is so improbable that unless you bring it to pass it just ain't going to happen. What specific skills, talents do I have, maybe even untapped, will enable me to excel and enjoy the work. What is it?
If this marriage and family vocation thing is it - well, Lord, I'm having a hard time seeing it. I'm not experiencing a whole helluva a lot of pleasure dealing with my mother and father, feel like a failure most of the time caring for Jonathan, and though I'm happy about being more connected to Brandon, don't really want to be toooo connected.
Heather, her sister and her mom at least experience (or experienced, in her mom's instance) pleasure in their work. Can I not also be blessed with the same in the vocation you give me? If it is this marriage and family thing, then Lord give me joy in it. Let me wake up excited to do what I need to do in it, go to sleep content about it, and not wanting it to really end. I can be exhausted by the effort and time, but not depleted, discouraged, and despondent. You can enable me to be at once exhausted by all that I have to do, and energized in the doing. That is possible in Christ, who is my righteousness. Who was never weary in caring for others and was always compassionate, willing to extend Himself more and more - even unto the Cross.
Help me Lord to get there.
I'm so, so tired of the confusion.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Quick post - blind phone call...
Leann's neighbor, can't think of her name, has a co-worker at Verizon that she wants to fix up with a nice Christian woman. She asked Leann if she knew anyone. Leann mentioned me. This was way back in the summer. The plan was to throw a bbq or dinner party and invite us both and we could meet that way. Neither ever happened. So, he was asking Leann's neighbor about me and when it was gonna happen. They decided to simply give me his number so that I can call him.
Funny thing - well, God thing - I had a heart to heart talk with God in the parking lot of Kessler on Friday. I simply asked again for Him to fulfill this work about my vocation being marriage and family - to put in my life a man of the caliber of Dave Meyer, Jeff Smith, Eric Askey - men of stalwart character, who truly love the Lord, love their spouses - whose spouses are even greater women because they have been blessed with these men as husbands - and men who kind of get blindsided by ladies who have a lot of huxbah - they simply are so smitten from the get go that it doesn't bother them at all - they even find it appealing.
And then Leann calls a few hours later.
Not sure if this gentleman is an answer to that prayer. I do like that he appears intentional and is truly seeking a Godly wife. That reminds me of Dave Meyer. That's all I know. Not even sure of his name. Leann thinks that it's Rob, which is funny cause my dad's name is Robert, and usually Rob is short for Robert. So...we shall see. I'm waiting till it's the right time to call. I'm hoping to finally complete a 21 day fast. So maybe after that (after 12/28). I don't know. Lord, lead me rightly.
Please!!!!
Funny thing - well, God thing - I had a heart to heart talk with God in the parking lot of Kessler on Friday. I simply asked again for Him to fulfill this work about my vocation being marriage and family - to put in my life a man of the caliber of Dave Meyer, Jeff Smith, Eric Askey - men of stalwart character, who truly love the Lord, love their spouses - whose spouses are even greater women because they have been blessed with these men as husbands - and men who kind of get blindsided by ladies who have a lot of huxbah - they simply are so smitten from the get go that it doesn't bother them at all - they even find it appealing.
And then Leann calls a few hours later.
Not sure if this gentleman is an answer to that prayer. I do like that he appears intentional and is truly seeking a Godly wife. That reminds me of Dave Meyer. That's all I know. Not even sure of his name. Leann thinks that it's Rob, which is funny cause my dad's name is Robert, and usually Rob is short for Robert. So...we shall see. I'm waiting till it's the right time to call. I'm hoping to finally complete a 21 day fast. So maybe after that (after 12/28). I don't know. Lord, lead me rightly.
Please!!!!
Me in missions?
Well, on Thursday, 12/5/13, I got word from NYC Teaching Collaborative that I was not accepted into the program. I have to thank God. It really wasn't for me. I was forcing something. I've been released from that fruitless pursuit.
However, in October I participated in an outreach to the homeless through the Relief Bus Ministry, based in Elizabeth NJ. It was a transcendent experience for me. The best way I can describe it is to say I felt all of myself and more during the whole of the evening. I met wonderful people who literally make their homes on the streets of Newark and one particular volunteer who survived cancer and spoke such life into me that I'll never really be able to thank her enough. I drove away as if I was driving on air. Got lost and ran into a myriad of roadblocks to get back home due to some road paving in my neighborhood and my attitude remained upbeat. I knew after that first experience that I was destined to become a regular volunteer. Was overjoyed to find out that Liquid will be supporting a monthly outreach at Penn Station throughout 2014.
Soon after, the Lord also seemed to be pricking at my heart to not only consider being a regular volunteer, but to look into actually WORKING for NYC Relief. I pondered this a bit, but was wary. Josiah, the gentleman who led our group, had related he was fully funded, i.e., an old fashioned urban missionary. He's married to a nurse, so they have her income, which in NJ, is a true asset for a person in missions. I don't have a husband, and the idea of ever asking anyone for money to support work that YES I'd be doing through the provision and power of God to His glory and honor, is just completely against my personal philosophy on missions work. Yes, I support several missionaries and ministries, and count it a blessing and honor to do so. However, I was never directly asked to support - well, no one picked up a phone or asked me out to lunch to talk about supporting them in missions. The missionaries provided a general description of the ministry and the work they would be doing to our whole church, or I heard about the person going into a particular ministry work. In either instance, I felt moved by the Lord to give, so I did. That's how I believe it should be. In keeping with the faithful George Mueller, who managed to care for thousands of orphans and build several, beautifully appointed orphanages, without EVER ASKING FOR A SINGLE DIME, but purely by faith and prayer, I could only see myself entering into missions if I could follow the same philosophy. However, NYC Relief wants you o raise the support and then you have to continue to court and cultivate that support for the remaining time that the Lord uses you in that missions capacity.
I'm reading a book now called "The God Ask", where the purpose is to point out that when you are raising support, it's really about God providing through these individual or churches - they are not the supply, He is - you are not the recipient, He is. I understand that I would be depriving those who I care for and love to participate in this worthy work, but can't the Lord simply move individual hearts, like He moved mine to support Caryl, the Salays, Whitney & Tim, the Chiaks, Joyce, Intercessors.org, etc.. Yes, I have the giving gift, so maybe it's a bit easier for God to move me to do just that, give, but God owns all the silver and gold, so if He wants to steer it in the direction of an individual who He has led into missions work, why can't He? Why can't I trust that He will?
For me the perfect paradigm is to send a mass email or a written letter to those I love and care for to let them know about the ministry and what it has accomplished by God and hopes to accomplish through His grace and power in the future, and to relate that the Lord has led me to serve with this ministry. If you would like to support me in this work, here is the information on how you can. If not, please at least keep me in prayer - be a prayer partner - and can I keep you abreast of the work through a regular newsletter or blog update?
That allows me to remain committed to my Mueller philosophy of not directly asking support of any particular individual, while remaining in faith that the Lord will move the heart of the right people, people who will not waiver in their giving, as I have not with the missionaries I support, even if it is only $5 a month. Faithfully. I can be confident that month after month after month after year after year that money will show up - because God has directed that from the provision He has supplied them they shall provide a portion to the work He has called me to do.
That for me would be perfect.
Will NYC Relief allow me to do it this way?
I would hope. I still see this as a powerful testimony of God's provision in my life - maybe even moreso. He has absolute control. I don't ever want to ask anyone for a particular amount of money.
Man --I'm just realizing that I went through all this without divulging why I even care!
Well, on Thursday night, I felt to go check out what are the upcoming volunteer opportunities for the Relief Bus and when I assessed the Web Site, the first thing I saw was an advertisement for a Volunteer Coordinator position. I had to read more. I did. And I knew I had to apply. So I did and the next day, the President, Juan Galloway, called me. Short story short, I have a scheduled call with him on Tuesday, 12/10, to discuss the opportunity further.
So, that is my reason for this struggle I'm having with the whole fundraising thing. I'm just not sure how I'll be able to do it, if I can't do it as described above. Lord, help me to do it as you see fit. Not as I. Not even as NYC Relief. Or God Talk. Or Henri Nouwen (gonna read another book on raising support that he wrote). Not anyone. Only you. Show me the way that it should work for me. Help me Lord, cause I tell you: I REALLY, TRULY want this job! Finally, You have led me to the meaningful work that my heart has been crying out for for YEARS - really for all of my adult life. I can see You doing marvelous things through me and in me as a result of serving with NYC Relief. Please don't let this issue about how I'm gonna take care of Jonathan and myself financially get in the way...
Update 1/10/14: Not for me. I went out on a full day of missions work right before Christmas. It was nice talking to the people and interesting to a point. However, this kind of work is not for me. My calling is to give to the work that is being done to minister to the sick, to the poor, the homeless, the widow and the orphan. So, my prayer has to change. Lord give me funds. Open a door for me to obtain the kinds of money, through faith, in the way of George Mueller, so that you can pour that money out of Jakin Sanctuary Foundation into ministries that touch my heart, like The Relief Bus. I believe you can do it.
However, in October I participated in an outreach to the homeless through the Relief Bus Ministry, based in Elizabeth NJ. It was a transcendent experience for me. The best way I can describe it is to say I felt all of myself and more during the whole of the evening. I met wonderful people who literally make their homes on the streets of Newark and one particular volunteer who survived cancer and spoke such life into me that I'll never really be able to thank her enough. I drove away as if I was driving on air. Got lost and ran into a myriad of roadblocks to get back home due to some road paving in my neighborhood and my attitude remained upbeat. I knew after that first experience that I was destined to become a regular volunteer. Was overjoyed to find out that Liquid will be supporting a monthly outreach at Penn Station throughout 2014.
Soon after, the Lord also seemed to be pricking at my heart to not only consider being a regular volunteer, but to look into actually WORKING for NYC Relief. I pondered this a bit, but was wary. Josiah, the gentleman who led our group, had related he was fully funded, i.e., an old fashioned urban missionary. He's married to a nurse, so they have her income, which in NJ, is a true asset for a person in missions. I don't have a husband, and the idea of ever asking anyone for money to support work that YES I'd be doing through the provision and power of God to His glory and honor, is just completely against my personal philosophy on missions work. Yes, I support several missionaries and ministries, and count it a blessing and honor to do so. However, I was never directly asked to support - well, no one picked up a phone or asked me out to lunch to talk about supporting them in missions. The missionaries provided a general description of the ministry and the work they would be doing to our whole church, or I heard about the person going into a particular ministry work. In either instance, I felt moved by the Lord to give, so I did. That's how I believe it should be. In keeping with the faithful George Mueller, who managed to care for thousands of orphans and build several, beautifully appointed orphanages, without EVER ASKING FOR A SINGLE DIME, but purely by faith and prayer, I could only see myself entering into missions if I could follow the same philosophy. However, NYC Relief wants you o raise the support and then you have to continue to court and cultivate that support for the remaining time that the Lord uses you in that missions capacity.
I'm reading a book now called "The God Ask", where the purpose is to point out that when you are raising support, it's really about God providing through these individual or churches - they are not the supply, He is - you are not the recipient, He is. I understand that I would be depriving those who I care for and love to participate in this worthy work, but can't the Lord simply move individual hearts, like He moved mine to support Caryl, the Salays, Whitney & Tim, the Chiaks, Joyce, Intercessors.org, etc.. Yes, I have the giving gift, so maybe it's a bit easier for God to move me to do just that, give, but God owns all the silver and gold, so if He wants to steer it in the direction of an individual who He has led into missions work, why can't He? Why can't I trust that He will?
For me the perfect paradigm is to send a mass email or a written letter to those I love and care for to let them know about the ministry and what it has accomplished by God and hopes to accomplish through His grace and power in the future, and to relate that the Lord has led me to serve with this ministry. If you would like to support me in this work, here is the information on how you can. If not, please at least keep me in prayer - be a prayer partner - and can I keep you abreast of the work through a regular newsletter or blog update?
That allows me to remain committed to my Mueller philosophy of not directly asking support of any particular individual, while remaining in faith that the Lord will move the heart of the right people, people who will not waiver in their giving, as I have not with the missionaries I support, even if it is only $5 a month. Faithfully. I can be confident that month after month after month after year after year that money will show up - because God has directed that from the provision He has supplied them they shall provide a portion to the work He has called me to do.
That for me would be perfect.
Will NYC Relief allow me to do it this way?
I would hope. I still see this as a powerful testimony of God's provision in my life - maybe even moreso. He has absolute control. I don't ever want to ask anyone for a particular amount of money.
Man --I'm just realizing that I went through all this without divulging why I even care!
Well, on Thursday night, I felt to go check out what are the upcoming volunteer opportunities for the Relief Bus and when I assessed the Web Site, the first thing I saw was an advertisement for a Volunteer Coordinator position. I had to read more. I did. And I knew I had to apply. So I did and the next day, the President, Juan Galloway, called me. Short story short, I have a scheduled call with him on Tuesday, 12/10, to discuss the opportunity further.
So, that is my reason for this struggle I'm having with the whole fundraising thing. I'm just not sure how I'll be able to do it, if I can't do it as described above. Lord, help me to do it as you see fit. Not as I. Not even as NYC Relief. Or God Talk. Or Henri Nouwen (gonna read another book on raising support that he wrote). Not anyone. Only you. Show me the way that it should work for me. Help me Lord, cause I tell you: I REALLY, TRULY want this job! Finally, You have led me to the meaningful work that my heart has been crying out for for YEARS - really for all of my adult life. I can see You doing marvelous things through me and in me as a result of serving with NYC Relief. Please don't let this issue about how I'm gonna take care of Jonathan and myself financially get in the way...
Update 1/10/14: Not for me. I went out on a full day of missions work right before Christmas. It was nice talking to the people and interesting to a point. However, this kind of work is not for me. My calling is to give to the work that is being done to minister to the sick, to the poor, the homeless, the widow and the orphan. So, my prayer has to change. Lord give me funds. Open a door for me to obtain the kinds of money, through faith, in the way of George Mueller, so that you can pour that money out of Jakin Sanctuary Foundation into ministries that touch my heart, like The Relief Bus. I believe you can do it.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Note to a pastor friend
"Wait for the Lord; be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)
Several years ago I was working as a doorman on an overnight shift. I hated the work. Then, I got a job offer which would require me to go to Virginia. I prayed about it and the Lord told me I could not leave the doorman job. I felt He was telling to stay where I was for a season. Shortly after I prayed, I met my wife.
Is God telling you to stay in a situation you hate? Is He saying wait? Don't get discouraged. It always pays to listen to His voice.
Go where He tells you to go, and stay where He tells you to stay. He knows what's best for you. I've learned this the hard way.
Obey God and never persuade anyone to stay in your life unless they feel God has commanded them to be there. This is another hard lesson I'm learning. You can't hold on to people, or dreams, when God is leading them away from you.
Whenever I hold on to something, or someone, who feels led to go in a different direction, I've always missed the blessing of God. People come and people go, success comes and success goes. You can only keep the things God has set aside for you.
I've lived long enough to see a child nourished by a loving mother abandon her, a husband who vowed to be faithful walk away from his family, and best friends become enemies. You can only hold on to the things God has for you. I'm learning this again the hard way.
Is the Lord taking away something you cherish? Don't despair, just wait. Is the Lord telling you to wait somewhere you don't want to be? Don't be anxious, just wait. Wait for the Lord, and...
Be Encouraged.
- Tim Cooper, 11/15/13
Hey, Tim. It's amazing how the Lord uses the devotions I get on a daily basis to minister to me. This devotion is the 4th one I got today where the main message was about trusting in the Lord and waiting on Him. One pointed out that He is El Elyon - God Most High - and that moniker alone should give us enough confidence to place our trust and hope in Him.
I'm not sure if I told you this already, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. Earlier this year, I believe sometime in March, I decided to follow instructions given by Charles Stanley to sit quietly with the Lord and ask Him what His plans were for my life post-IBM; to ask and wait for the answer. So, I did this, and the answer disturbed me. I heard very clearly that my next vocation would be "marriage and family". That made no sense to me. I was hoping (at the time I was still awaiting responses from the PhD programs) He would tell me something about my future career in education, or possibly give me an idea for book, or confirm my desire to live abroad at some point with Jonathan. No - just "marriage and family", nothing more, nothing less.
I've been struggling with this word from the Lord ever since I received it. The PhD program didn't happen, and then my father's fall and the myriad of responsibilities around that seemed to add some weight to the word that was given to me...that possibly the immediate years ahead would be focused on caring for elderly parents and Jonathan and supporting this yet-to-manifest-himself husband. That was an additional concern, because I constantly waffle about even wanting to be married, because I have a real, sometimes obsessive affection for and comfort in my singleness and not having to share my life in such an intimate fashion.
The strain I've experienced recently as a result of caring for my parents and difficulties dealing with Jonathan's toddler-hood has made this word even more unwanted. And so, in my own strength, I've been attempting to re-enter the work world in opposition to His word. After all, I have a son to take care of and my savings are eventually going to run out. I've been applying to a variety of things, such as the NYC Teaching Collaborative (still haven't heard back - and not sure i really want to do it) and other stuff on-line that seems to fit my project management/tech writing background. Nothing has materialized thus far, and underneath all these attempts is a feeling of acute resentment that my sabbatical year to discover God's call on my life was sort of hijacked by my father's injury - and that when I specifically asked about that call, the Lord gave me a response that continues to baffle me. In a nutshell, I was feeling like He had left me out to dry; that I now had to take it upon myself to figure out how to get out of my situation and that meant I might have to go back to doing what I had so hated doing before (working in IT, in project management).
Thankfully, the Lord didn't condemn me for my anger and depression. He heard my heart cry and I can say that today I'm in a much better place. He sent me words of encouragement through an awesome book called "Undaunted" by Christine Caine. And just talking about it to you and Lolita has lifted quite a bit of the burden. I'm, in a way, rejoicing in my infirmities, as Paul tells us to do in Corinthians, realizing that indeed His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I've been endeavoring to turn my moaning into thanksgiving and by doing so, I'm experiencing much more peace.
Over the last few days, I've been slowly letting go of the reigns on my life. I suppose I need to just let God move in my life to bring this word to fruition. Whether I think I want it or am capable of it really doesn't matter. If it's His plan, He'll work out all the small details and give me the abilities I need to carry it out.
Your devotion spoke to me especially because back in August, I asked the Lord again about that word. I was wondering if maybe I was just hearing Him wrong and asked Him if He would give me scripture to confirm what I thought He said.
I prayed and then opened my Bible. He took me straight to these verses in Hebrews 10:
35 Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:
37 “For yet a little while,
And He[j] who is coming will come and will not tarry.
38 Now the[k] just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”[l]
And He[j] who is coming will come and will not tarry.
38 Now the[k] just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”[l]
39 But we are not of those who draw back to perdition, but of those who believe to the saving of the soul.
I wasn't too happy at the time to read that scripture and continued to fight him on it through this continued searching in my own understanding of a way to escape my situation (get a job, get my own money, move out with Jonathan, and only have to deal with my family from a distance and have enough income to take care of Jonathan on my own, without a husband).
However, in the wake of receiving that scripture, this statement in your devotion really resonated with me:
Is God telling you to stay in a situation you hate? Is He saying wait? Don't get discouraged. It always pays to listen to His voice.
If i had read those words even two weeks ago, they might have sunk me deeper into my depression about my current circumstances. I'm grateful that they came now and the other devotions that I received today, when my heart is in a place of thanksgiving about what's going on rather than dread...where my heart is more open to God doing whatever He needs to do to accomplish His purposes in my life.
Thanks again, Tim. Safe travels to you and Yuka and sweet Kento. I pray you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving!
10 things...
Paused for a few minutes while at QuikChek this morning to peruse some magazines. I ended up reading the full article for this month's Essence cover story on Gabriel Union. Insightful. I find her somewhat fascinating, even though her personality can be a bit off-putting. I suppose it's because she carries this, I don't give a damn what you think of me persona. It's something that is foreign to me because I've spent most of my 46 years worried about what people think of me. I'm hoping this is not a trait I've passed on to Jonathan, and yet, he has a penchant for saying "Sorry mommy" that speaks to my own habit of apologizing for everything that happens around me - whether I'm the cause of it or not. Strange how our traits can literally be passed down through our genes. I believe, even more now, that much of our personality is fixed - created before hand by God Almighty - quirks that can at times cripple and maim us - and thus cause us to lean upon His everlasting arms to pick us up, brush us off, and walk with us to a place of strength, only to trip again on the same bad habit. The whole idea of true victory? Humph, I'm shaking that bad boy off. The word makes it clear that when we are weak He is strong. Why? For His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Who inherits the Kingdom of Heaven? Those who are POOR in spirit - not the strong. So, as Paul says, I will boast that much more in my weaknesses, for it's in that state that I am truly strong. An oxymoron, maybe, but it's the way the Lord built most of us who He has called into relationship with Him. And it is He that does the calling. I hope He calls on a few more of those close to me - no that He calls on ALL that are close to me - who have yet to step into this dependent relationship that I so desperately cling to.
Anyway, so I read this G. Union article and she pointed out how a good friend of hers who is a life and fitness coach, called her to task on some of her dysfunctional behaviors. She talked about how she had a penchant for putting other women down - gossiping - and that her friend made her realize how petty it was and that if she really examined the behavior she would realize that she had never cultivated how to talk about anything else. Ouch. Talk about uncovering someone's shallowness!
The life coach friend then suggested that Gabriel write down a list of the 10 things that she like to do...that brought her joy. G. Union had trouble writing this list, and when she did, she included imitation crab meat as one of the things. Her life coach friend pointed out that this was an indication of how Gabby had a penchant for fake and counterfeit things - that she couldn't even enjoy REAL crab meat. Another telling insight.
Gabby eventually was able to write that list - and confront her shallow ways and take the steps to start becoming a more whole, self-actualized, complete and fulfilled woman. And now she's in a great relationship with a man she loves, helping him to raise his sons, who she also loves, on a great new tv show, that she enjoys, and ready to actually have babies herself. Also, she was willing to speak openly about all her weaknesses at an awards ceremony where she was celebrated for her courage - noting that real courage is being able to admit when you really do NOT have it all together.
So, my blog continuously points out how NOT together I am. I gladly roll around in my weaknesses and boast about them like a pig rolling around in wet, gooey, nasty mud. If I didn't, I would absolutely lose my mind.
And yet, I honestly think, like G. Union, I would have trouble writing down what I truly, truly enjoy. The top 10 things. In a minute, I will try, but I also want to talk about some additional words of truth from Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love".
She noted in an interview how she responded to a woman about what she would need to do to pursue her hearts desire and discover her true self in the way that Elizabeth did during her mid-life search for meaning. Elizabeth asked the woman: "Do you remember when you went off the trail?" or words along those lines. She says whenever she asks a woman that they all instantly recall the trail and when they fell off it. For the woman in question, she said it happened when she stopped ice-skating at the age of 14. So, she was now in her 40's and basically had spent 30+ years not feeling the energy and exhilaration of something that brought her much joy.
It made me think about my own trail. It was hard to pinpoint it - and weirdly, I was feeling a bit of shame about not being able to say that I'm PRESENTLY on my trail because I have Jonathan now and he is a significant part of this phase of my life - the current trail that I'm on - shouldn't that be thrilling and fulfilling - exhilarating?
It is - and yet, Jonathan is only on loan to me. The Lord birthed him through me so that He could care for him through me and develop in Jonathan the life that He ordained before time that Jonathan would live to His glory. When Jonathan eventually steps into his life with Christ as an adult, and God-willing I'm still around, where will the I that's still around be - will I have put everything on hold so that once I can step back on that trail, it would have been rerouted to a dead end, filled with pot holes and basically too dangerous to tread?
So, I need to know now. What was that trail? Where was that last place where I felt the truest sense of myself? A place of freedom and unmistakable peace - a sort of knowing that settled me and gave me a sense of wonder and joy?
And the thing that came to me was my trip to the London and Paris, 4 years ago, November 2009. That trip was a last minute decision and then quickly pulled together agenda wise - but it was truly magical. I spent part of it with Lolita, but very little. Most of the trip was me, myself and I and those two beautiful cities.
That one day trip to Paris is still hands down the most magical day of my life, outside of seeing Jonathan for the first time after birth. It still gives me goosebumps. And there wasn't anything special about what I did. It was just the wonder of experiencing that beautiful city for the very first time and how the Lord managed to make the journey there on the train so enchanting and then each and every succeeding step - from one end of the city to the other - astounding and abounding with ever increasing awesomeness and beauty. It was just amazing. I felt so free, so in the moment.
And then I can think of that very first day in London and seeing Trafalgar Square on sunny a midday and then having that delicious dinner in Chinatown. The tranquility and peace of that Monday afternoon to early evening. And the last day - walking beside Hyde Park, wondrously overcast - so serene - the hint of ancient Christmases from the past in the air. Just a wonderful, wonderful week.
I traveled to Paris again that spring of 2010. It was an amazing trip. Just amazing. Yet, it pales in comparison to that week in November. That single day in Paris. The two things that stick out the most for me about the Paris trip were probably the most uneventful parts of my time there with Sandy; That lazy afternoon in her friend's apartment overlooking the city of Maastrict and that lazy afternoon lounging and dozing beside the fountain at the park near the Louvre. Those are truly my highlights of that trip. We DID A LOT - and yet those two things stand out for me. Both were about truly, simply being in the moment and basking in the sheer, unmitigated beauty of my surroundings. Sort of like that forced week of vacation we all had to take in Poughkeepsie in July of I believe 2001. Every day I drove to Cold Springs, pulled out my lounge chair, my Bible, and my journal and just sat next to the boat dock area, the clang clang of the boats hitting the dock and the tranquility of the Hudson River in the background. Lazily, lazily, living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me.
So, those are the things that give me joy: living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me. Unfortunately, doing those things does not put bread on the table. It might bring me great solace and peace, but no bank.
However, God is the God of all wisdom and power. By identifying my joy - maybe, just maybe, He has a way of translating that into a career - a vocation.
Or maybe He has.
I'm not exactly sure how this whole idea of marriage and family being a vocation dovetails with "basking in the beauty all around me" and "being in the moment". But maybe it does. Maybe the Lord is calling me to simply, sit, relax, and enjoy the beauty of those He has has placed in my life - to see their inherent beauty and worth - to soak it in and to celebrate it in my heart. To find a solace and peace in simply doing that, and ignoring everything we don't see when we are in that moment of beholding all that is beautiful. For example, during that one day in Paris, I didn't notice harsh words spoken by folks walking beside me or in the distance, the fact that it was a bit nippy outside, any garbage or unsightly stuff on the streets, rudeness, discomfort on the coach train ride home (well, I did notice the discomfort on the ride home, but I was still in my cloud of appreciation of the day, so it didn't bother me that much). When I was in London, I didn't notice as much how awful my hotel room was (definitely not my usual standards) or that I had to spend time with a travel companion (which up to that point I usually avoided with a passion) or the length of the bus ride to see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. When I was in Maastrict, I didn't get as bothered by the ugly B&B or the walk to Sandy's friend's place from the B & B or how ugly Amsterdam (our first stop) was.
Being in the moment and basking in the beauty all around manages to get your eyes of the ugly. So, if my vocation is TRULY this whole marriage/family thing, that must be what the Lord is endeavoring to get me to practice - not just on travel journeys, but in my day to day life. To not worry about tomorrow, but enjoy today - to seek His kingdom and righteousness - in those around me - in my mother, my father, Jonathan - and eventually this man guy I'm supposed to share my life with - a life I really do not want to share.
Help me Lord. Money is running out and there is no real, concrete answer to a different vocation other than the one you've spoken to me. I'm having a hard time embracing it and really wanting something else - still wanting something else. I need you to help me to embrace it whole heartily - with joy and abandon. To give it my all, without complaint and dread. I really am desperate to meet this man I'm supposed to build life and love with - who can be a real dad to Jonathan. And yet, i know also that I have to get in a spot of knowing what it is I really, truly like so that I'm calling on you to fulfill it, rather than this man - or anyone else - none of who have the capacity to do so.
So, here's my list (yeah, I'm getting to it now). The things I really, truly like:
I'll make sure to travel to those towns a lot more often in the coming weeks...
Anyway, so I read this G. Union article and she pointed out how a good friend of hers who is a life and fitness coach, called her to task on some of her dysfunctional behaviors. She talked about how she had a penchant for putting other women down - gossiping - and that her friend made her realize how petty it was and that if she really examined the behavior she would realize that she had never cultivated how to talk about anything else. Ouch. Talk about uncovering someone's shallowness!
The life coach friend then suggested that Gabriel write down a list of the 10 things that she like to do...that brought her joy. G. Union had trouble writing this list, and when she did, she included imitation crab meat as one of the things. Her life coach friend pointed out that this was an indication of how Gabby had a penchant for fake and counterfeit things - that she couldn't even enjoy REAL crab meat. Another telling insight.
Gabby eventually was able to write that list - and confront her shallow ways and take the steps to start becoming a more whole, self-actualized, complete and fulfilled woman. And now she's in a great relationship with a man she loves, helping him to raise his sons, who she also loves, on a great new tv show, that she enjoys, and ready to actually have babies herself. Also, she was willing to speak openly about all her weaknesses at an awards ceremony where she was celebrated for her courage - noting that real courage is being able to admit when you really do NOT have it all together.
So, my blog continuously points out how NOT together I am. I gladly roll around in my weaknesses and boast about them like a pig rolling around in wet, gooey, nasty mud. If I didn't, I would absolutely lose my mind.
And yet, I honestly think, like G. Union, I would have trouble writing down what I truly, truly enjoy. The top 10 things. In a minute, I will try, but I also want to talk about some additional words of truth from Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love".
She noted in an interview how she responded to a woman about what she would need to do to pursue her hearts desire and discover her true self in the way that Elizabeth did during her mid-life search for meaning. Elizabeth asked the woman: "Do you remember when you went off the trail?" or words along those lines. She says whenever she asks a woman that they all instantly recall the trail and when they fell off it. For the woman in question, she said it happened when she stopped ice-skating at the age of 14. So, she was now in her 40's and basically had spent 30+ years not feeling the energy and exhilaration of something that brought her much joy.
It made me think about my own trail. It was hard to pinpoint it - and weirdly, I was feeling a bit of shame about not being able to say that I'm PRESENTLY on my trail because I have Jonathan now and he is a significant part of this phase of my life - the current trail that I'm on - shouldn't that be thrilling and fulfilling - exhilarating?
It is - and yet, Jonathan is only on loan to me. The Lord birthed him through me so that He could care for him through me and develop in Jonathan the life that He ordained before time that Jonathan would live to His glory. When Jonathan eventually steps into his life with Christ as an adult, and God-willing I'm still around, where will the I that's still around be - will I have put everything on hold so that once I can step back on that trail, it would have been rerouted to a dead end, filled with pot holes and basically too dangerous to tread?
So, I need to know now. What was that trail? Where was that last place where I felt the truest sense of myself? A place of freedom and unmistakable peace - a sort of knowing that settled me and gave me a sense of wonder and joy?
And the thing that came to me was my trip to the London and Paris, 4 years ago, November 2009. That trip was a last minute decision and then quickly pulled together agenda wise - but it was truly magical. I spent part of it with Lolita, but very little. Most of the trip was me, myself and I and those two beautiful cities.
That one day trip to Paris is still hands down the most magical day of my life, outside of seeing Jonathan for the first time after birth. It still gives me goosebumps. And there wasn't anything special about what I did. It was just the wonder of experiencing that beautiful city for the very first time and how the Lord managed to make the journey there on the train so enchanting and then each and every succeeding step - from one end of the city to the other - astounding and abounding with ever increasing awesomeness and beauty. It was just amazing. I felt so free, so in the moment.
And then I can think of that very first day in London and seeing Trafalgar Square on sunny a midday and then having that delicious dinner in Chinatown. The tranquility and peace of that Monday afternoon to early evening. And the last day - walking beside Hyde Park, wondrously overcast - so serene - the hint of ancient Christmases from the past in the air. Just a wonderful, wonderful week.
I traveled to Paris again that spring of 2010. It was an amazing trip. Just amazing. Yet, it pales in comparison to that week in November. That single day in Paris. The two things that stick out the most for me about the Paris trip were probably the most uneventful parts of my time there with Sandy; That lazy afternoon in her friend's apartment overlooking the city of Maastrict and that lazy afternoon lounging and dozing beside the fountain at the park near the Louvre. Those are truly my highlights of that trip. We DID A LOT - and yet those two things stand out for me. Both were about truly, simply being in the moment and basking in the sheer, unmitigated beauty of my surroundings. Sort of like that forced week of vacation we all had to take in Poughkeepsie in July of I believe 2001. Every day I drove to Cold Springs, pulled out my lounge chair, my Bible, and my journal and just sat next to the boat dock area, the clang clang of the boats hitting the dock and the tranquility of the Hudson River in the background. Lazily, lazily, living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me.
So, those are the things that give me joy: living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me. Unfortunately, doing those things does not put bread on the table. It might bring me great solace and peace, but no bank.
However, God is the God of all wisdom and power. By identifying my joy - maybe, just maybe, He has a way of translating that into a career - a vocation.
Or maybe He has.
I'm not exactly sure how this whole idea of marriage and family being a vocation dovetails with "basking in the beauty all around me" and "being in the moment". But maybe it does. Maybe the Lord is calling me to simply, sit, relax, and enjoy the beauty of those He has has placed in my life - to see their inherent beauty and worth - to soak it in and to celebrate it in my heart. To find a solace and peace in simply doing that, and ignoring everything we don't see when we are in that moment of beholding all that is beautiful. For example, during that one day in Paris, I didn't notice harsh words spoken by folks walking beside me or in the distance, the fact that it was a bit nippy outside, any garbage or unsightly stuff on the streets, rudeness, discomfort on the coach train ride home (well, I did notice the discomfort on the ride home, but I was still in my cloud of appreciation of the day, so it didn't bother me that much). When I was in London, I didn't notice as much how awful my hotel room was (definitely not my usual standards) or that I had to spend time with a travel companion (which up to that point I usually avoided with a passion) or the length of the bus ride to see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. When I was in Maastrict, I didn't get as bothered by the ugly B&B or the walk to Sandy's friend's place from the B & B or how ugly Amsterdam (our first stop) was.
Being in the moment and basking in the beauty all around manages to get your eyes of the ugly. So, if my vocation is TRULY this whole marriage/family thing, that must be what the Lord is endeavoring to get me to practice - not just on travel journeys, but in my day to day life. To not worry about tomorrow, but enjoy today - to seek His kingdom and righteousness - in those around me - in my mother, my father, Jonathan - and eventually this man guy I'm supposed to share my life with - a life I really do not want to share.
Help me Lord. Money is running out and there is no real, concrete answer to a different vocation other than the one you've spoken to me. I'm having a hard time embracing it and really wanting something else - still wanting something else. I need you to help me to embrace it whole heartily - with joy and abandon. To give it my all, without complaint and dread. I really am desperate to meet this man I'm supposed to build life and love with - who can be a real dad to Jonathan. And yet, i know also that I have to get in a spot of knowing what it is I really, truly like so that I'm calling on you to fulfill it, rather than this man - or anyone else - none of who have the capacity to do so.
So, here's my list (yeah, I'm getting to it now). The things I really, truly like:
- Jonathan's smile and his giggles. There is NOTHING better.
- Kay's smile - which he gives so infrequently as to almost be an endangered species.
- A really good meal at a quaint, local spot like Sophie's Bistro.
- A great dessert - like that chocolate cocoa cola cake at Cracker Barrel.
- Evening strolls on moonlit nights when the weather is not too cold or too hot.
- A really good book that I have a hard time putting down - whether non-fiction or fiction.
- The Lord speaking to me through a scripture, a sermon, a devotion - just clearly hearing His voice giving me a right now, rhema word.
- House Hunters - and dreaming of owning my own home again - of truly dwelling and living in that home richly, with my family - not as a museum, like the house I had in Alabama.
- Talking to God - even in complaint, griping, moping, grumbling - just having the freedom to come to Him, the only one who accepts me for exactly who I am right at that moment.
- Basking in the beauty all around me and simply being in that enchanted moment - typically occurs when I'm in a foreign city or in a new town or part of town that I've never seen before OR a place that go to time and time again to be refreshed.
When it comes to 10, I see that one of the things that I miss is having that place to go to over and over again to be refreshed. I don't have that here in NJ. I've had it pretty much everywhere in my adult life. In Jersey City it was Pavonia Newport and simply my running in the early mornings - especially my Sunday morning runs.
In Poughkeepsie it was Esopus Lighthouse and Cold Springs.
In Alabama it was the lovely and enchanting Botanical Gardens, Homewood and English Village.
In NJ - nada.
I need that place. I wonder if by having it, I would then be in a much better place emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I need it. Lord, can you lead me to it. Where is this place that I can go....
New Hope and Lambertville. Yup. That's it. How could I forget. I was just there on Monday. And indeed, time stands still for me there. It just does.
I'll make sure to travel to those towns a lot more often in the coming weeks...
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