Some wisdom

I was gonna send this to a friend who has a history of getting connected to men who monopolize her time, energy and attention - only to not want to entertain being with her in a more romantic way.  It's been frustrating for her - and yes, sad - and equally frustrating and sad to witness.  But much like many things I'm realizing at this point in my life, we cause a lot of our own headaches by our own actions. 

 

Our own actions. 

 

The whole idea of allowing and resting seems to deconstruct all this foolishness.  I sense that if we truly lived as if we have a power that is able to raise Jesus from the DEAD living in us, we would find that we have no time to ponder if a certain man's actions means he is or isn't interested in us.  We simply won't care - or the discernment from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit would be so strong that we wouldn't need to question his intentions.  Our knower would simply know if he is or if he's not - and if he is, whether or not he's worth our time.

 

That's the life I want to live.  The life of the spirit. Not of the flesh. Let the dead - this flesh that's daily trying it's best to kill us - bury it's dead.  And let us be about life and living it abundantly - and living it freely - which means, letting the Holy God of all who dwells in us through the Holy Spirit, have His marvelous way.  Man the places He'll lead us - the ways that He'll transform us if we would only live like that!

 

*********************************************************************************

You know, I had lunch with Zarida on Friday and she mentioned that her daughter, who's at Spelman, told her she met this guy that she really likes but he made it clear that he just wants to be friends. Sarah told Zarida that "She's gonna work on him.." and Zarida told her, don't work on him: "A man knows he's interested in someone within about 3 minutes and he'll do what he needs to to make something happen. Otherwise, you're wasting your time."

When I reflect on your history, my history, and some other women I know who have run into smilar situations, it's not so much that the guy has implicitly said "I just want to be friends" - the mature thing, but the rare thing (Sarah was lucky). However, the gentleman, in many instances, did not make a direct overture of romantic interest. Instead actions were interpreted as being "they might be or they seem to be interested". A guy - when he's truly interested - will not waste time to let you know it because they're competive by nature and they want to sweep in and make sure they get you before someone else does. I think we've spent entirely too much of our time trying to interpret a man's intentions, behavior, etc., toward us when it wasn't at all necessary. They made it pretty clear that they were or were not interested in being romantically connected to us (and I mean, in a committed relationship) by their actions. And if they even made a step towards us through a kiss/make out session/sex and didn't do much after that to make it clear to us and everyone around us that they wanted to be in a legitimate relationship, then it was time to relegate them to friend status at that point (if a frienship was worth salvaging/building), and to never make the mistake again of allowing them to be near us in an intimate way or - which seems to have repeatedly happened with you when there was no physical intimacy - to no longer let them monopolize your time and attention. Why it takes a woman until she's 45 to realize that, I don't know.

As I get older, I do see that it's a good thing to appreciate each relationship for what it is. Friendship is a gift, regardless of how it might start. So, when we quickly realize that's all something is gonna be, let's just enjoy what we give and get through the friendship and keep on moving/living/enjoying life. The man who is marked for us as partners will meet those things that mere friendship cannot, and we'll meet that for him - and we're now at an age where a lot of the junk in between will and should not get in the way for us to realize that we are good matches for each other. I also think that if we can get more savvy about that "3 minute rule" (yeah, sometimes it might take a little more time than that to figure out a man isn't gonna take the tall leap into truly trying to court us - but it also doesn't take weeks or months either) and just receive the men who currently are in our life for who they are and not more than that, our minds and hearts will be more available for receiving the person with whom we can actually build a life.

 

That's just my two cents on the matter. Take it or leave it.

My top five priorities...

So, this is my first week away from IBM and I feel even more stressed than I did before I left.  This was supposed to be the beginning of my time of rest - at least giving my mind some rest.  However, it still is churning, churning, churning...running, running, running.

I felt led to be an online group leader for our church's 40-Day Bible Challenge.  It's turning out to be a CHALLENGE for me.  Some members having to drop before we even start because of technical issues.  I have my own concerns about being able to connect properly so folks can hear me.  And I simply have my typical anxiety and worries about leading a group, facilitating the discussion.  I have to believe and keep reminding myself that it's not me that will be facilitating, leading - it's the Lord God Almighty using me to do what needs to be done - He will be present and in control.  I just need to surrender to His leadership.  Lord help me, Help me, HELP ME! to remember that and to NOT lean on my own, faulty, anxious understanding.
(Update:  What a gracious and merciful God we serve!  The first meeting went great, despite some techincal difficulties. We have 4 lovely ladies (including me - one from TN, one in PA and another in Northern NJ).  I feel the Lord is really gonna do a work in and through us during our 8 weeks walking throught he NT.  I'm excited.  And so so grateful that He is using me to be part of what He plans to do!)

Then today Jonathan was evaluated by the county for speech development and other development according to his age and he did not pass the communication and cognitive skill assessment.  I know he has some problems listening to and following through on instructions.  His words are few.  He doesn't seem to comprehend some basic games like sorting or matching objects.  He still doesn't know how to identify his body parts.  I just take great joy in the fact that despite these "late developments" he is so loveable, generally joyful and easygoing, energetic and has excellent physical/motor skills.  All the rest will follow.  What is essential, in my opinion, is there.

He did suffer from a bad fever last night and today, which was a little scary.  The first time he has gotten sick and it affected his mood.  Weepy, cranky and sleepy, sleepy.  He was more himself once the fever left.  I still am not sure what that was - possibly a bit of a cold.
(Update:  Yup a cold. The mucus (sneezing) and coughing soon followed.  Second cold in the last month.  My dad said he suffered from colds until he was 12.  They called him snotty nose when he was growing up cause his nose was ALWAYS running.  Jonathan has a way of having quite neat colds, thank God.  However, that might be cause I keep up with him.  I'd hate for him to suffer the runny nose issue while in preschool and grammar school when teachers don't really care that much. However, I'll do my best to teach him good hygiene. He actually already has a good hang of "wiping his nose", though, more often, he attempts to use me as his kleenix!)

Anyway, back to my stressful schedule - so I dealt with the evaluation today.  I have the Bible Study coming up and I've been putting together all of the Ikea stuff and trying to get everything re-situated in our space upstairs at my parent's house.  And then my mom is home from rehab and needs a bit more support than usual.  I've been trying to get things straight about how I'm supposed to declare the mutual fund stuff on my taxes (fortunatey, I finally discovered that Turbo Tax Premier can figure that out for me - thank you Jesus!) and I'm still trying to figure out how much I should pull out of my 401K.

Churning, churning, churning...running, running, running.

STOP!

I've got to stop the madness!  This is a time to turn off the treadmill and to return to God - to surrender to Him - to ALLOW Him to take full reign.  To be lead and enabled by the Holy Spirit.  To let Him open and shut doors. To stop planning, to stop strategizing, to stop trying to figure it all out.

STOP!

One of the Girlfriends in God, Mary Southerland, mentioned in her devotional today that we need to write down our top 5 priorities for this year. So, what are mine?  This whole stopping thing is definitely one of them.  I guess it all falls into that word ALLOW.  To allow God to lead and direct this year outside of Big Blue.

For more light of life in and exuding from me.  That would be another one, which means...

More intimate time with the Lord. Pure, intimate, alone, quiet time.  Not reading anything, not writing anything, not pondering anything. Just sitting with Him and letting His presence overtake me and transform me.  Hopefully that will lead to...

Stepping in and fulfilling my true calling - whatever that might mean.  Though I know now it does mean that it must be life giving to me - but also life giving to someone else.  Whatever I can do that makes that intersection happen will be joy. Joy. JOY!

Any finally:  Becoming the kind of woman who is ready for the husband I long to live this light of life with - to raise Jonathan with - to build a family, home, ministry with.

So those are it.  My top 5.  I lay them at your feet Lord. Turn them upside down, if you wish.  Discard them - if that's your better choice.  I just need YOU and not me to WORK out whatever YOU need and want to WORK OUT.  Please, keep me from getting in the way...

P B Part II

See original post here:  http://but-for-his-grace.blogspot.com/2012/12/p-b.html

This will be a quick one.  Read the original blog entry. I shutter to think that I even REMOTELY considered P B as a possible life-mate candidate - as the answer to my targeted prayer.  NOT.  He never called which I was immensely grateful about and the Lord helped me to see the light.

Needless to say, I've got a LOT of growing up to do -- and most assuredly, a LOT of growing up IN the LORD.  My prayer is to be a woman who is truly pursing the Lord with all my heart and soul and laying myself bare so that He can scrub all the gunk out and off of me.  I want to be presented to my husband as one who will indeed bring him contentment.  My head is so screwy sometimes, my mouth so unclean, my heart so self-centered, my thoughts so scattered - there's no room for a husband.  There's barely room for the love of my life here on earth - Jonathan!  Lord - do me better.  Do me better.

I long to be married. I want to build a home with a good Godly man.  I long for the vision to be fulfilled that I would marry while still under my parents roof and that we would start our lives together here - that we'll be blessed with another child to add to our families.  I believe that this will come to pass.  However, I know that the Lord has to better me so I can be that better woman for the better man that I long to build this life with.

Lord - do your thing.  I'm ready...

Beyond Big Blue...

This is my final note to my IBM Family...

From:        Kim Ivey/Poughkeepsie/IBM
To:        DEPT269-REG, Synergy Development-eServer-WW, Sandra Kipp/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, holttl@us.ibm.com, tae@us.ibm.com, jenjohnson77@gmail.com, yoan@us.ibm.com, kingl@us.ibm.com, Jennifer Raisig/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, Christopher Dawson/Raleigh/IBM, Royce Espey/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, Stephen Bream/Raleigh/IBM@IBMUS, apjones@us.ibm.com, Paula Cross/Almaden/IBM@IBMUS, lolitaj@aol.com, anitaparrita2@gmail.com, aprilnichelle1729@yahoo.com, kimgentrymusic@gmail.com, miracle@us.ibm.com, lcosley@yahoo.com, Laura Finlaw <hirelaura@yahoo.com>, mocha_v@msn.com, jlisaiah4031@yahoo.com, silyn.solomon@mcmaster.com, peggywsn@aol.com, fowlerda@bellsouth.net, kelvin.wilson@daimler.com, timbocooper@aol.com, la31@cornell.edu, zarida.brokenborough@ml.com, kbayconish@hvc.rr.com, merlyn@nc.rr.com, philacarr@yahoo.com, jodgepodge@gmail.com, w.scott40@verizon.net, Bible Study Group, Julie Lee/Burlington/IBM@IBMUS, "acm406@hotmail.com", "cathyfwang@gmail.com", "christine_waithe@yahoo.com", "kchrissy@msn.com", "lauramlucas@gmail.com", "patty@liquidchurch.com", "zuraida.pugh@yahoo.com", kaiserjak@gmail.com, terrilmathews@yahoo.com, kimqunett@gmail.com, James Latta <wegoperu@gmail.com>, "Larry & Susan Salay" <larrysusan_salay@wbt.org>, "Craig and Jamey Cihak " <us@cihaks.com>, alanrbb@yahoo.com,
Date:        01/31/2013 07:37 PM
Subject:        Beyond Big Blue...
 
Well, this email marks my last one as an IBMer.  As of tomorrow, February 1, 2013, I will be venturing into the unknown of life beyond Big Blue.  This journey is by choice, with the ultimate goal to live out the conviction expressed in my signature quote below -- sooner rather than later.  I must say that I'm quite excited about what lies ahead!

Nonetheless, there is sadness about leaving a place that has been so integral to who I am for almost 16 years.  During my tenure, I had the opportunity to work on some amazing (and, yes, often times CHALLENGING:->) projects, with an awesome assortment of individuals - many of whom have remained friends, and some becoming almost like family members.  And that is what I will miss the most:  The people.  IBM indeed attracts the best and the brightest.  The talent in this company is awe-inspiring.  It's been a blessing to be a member of several teams that have made tremendous contributions to the achievements of what I still consider a great company.  

But beyond the talent was just the genuine camaraderie, the laughter, the fun, the kindness, the servant-heartiness, the ready willingness to help each other in a crunch.  I can only hope and pray that whatever I end up doing next, I'll have the good fortune of doing it with a similar caliber of folks.

In any case, though I'm leaving Big Blue, I'm not going away.   My phone numbers are below and my external email is kimqunett@gmail.com (and yes, for all who have wondered what my middle initial stands for, you now know).  If you have my current IBM email in your address book, please be sure to replace with this new one.  

And with that, I bid you adieu.  All the Best to everyone and God Bless!



Kim Q. Ivey
Cloud Systems Software ID
kimivey@us.ibm.com
205- 393-5028 (cell)
732-659-6143 (home)

"We each have a dream, a vision of life that corresponds to our convictions, embodies our uniqueness, and expresses what is life-giving to us.  Daily we make choices that are either consistent with or contrary to our vision.  A life of integrity is born of fidelity to that dream." - Brennan Manning

End to the beginning, Part II

(See part I here: http://but-for-his-grace.blogspot.com/2012/12/end-to-beginning.html)

So...12/14/12 was not my last day at IBM. 

It's funny.  I had resigned last fall with everything set for me to end my tenure at IBM on 12/14 (with two weeks vacation to take me to the end of the year).  At the same time that I resigned, my division enforced this new initiative to move all full-time work at home employees to within 20 miles of a main site OR have the employee get swapped into a position based at one of those sites (Poughkeepsie, NY, Raleigh, NC, Rochester, MN and Austin, TX).  Since I knew I was leaving at the end of the year, I didn't want to get swapped into a job in POK (thus allowing me to continue working from home) nor did I want to move back to the area just until the end of the year.  Even though my manager knew I was leaving, she wanted to try to do a swap so that she could replace me with a US worker.  As it stands now, whenever anyone leaves our division, they're back-filling with inexperienced hires from India.  However, to my joy (and her regret), she was unable to swap me into a job in POK.  She knew how much I really wanted to move on, so told me she would work out  a plan for me to get a severance package, which would essentially be like getting laid off.  That would also allow me to get unemployment.  I was happy with that plan.  I had only expected to leave with my savings and 401K.  So, the idea of being able to collect unemployment - the first time I've ever done so - gave me a sense of comfort.

I also started the process of applying to PhD programs and preparing for the GMAT.  However, I took the GMAT twice, the last time on 12/29, and my scores were not the best.  I started to get nervous about my "future plans".  The plans I really shouldn't have had because when I originally felt the assurance I should leave IBM, back in the spirng of last year, the word to me was clearly that I needed to leave without having any real understanding what I would do and to rely solely on the Lord to provide for Jonathan and I as He led me to that next thing.  But I'm a planner, so I had to get a plan in place, and the pursuit of a PhD made the most sense.  It also was a cushion from questions about "Well, what are you going to do?" or "Do you really want to leave a good paying job with benefits when you have a small child to take care of??"

So, here I was at the start of the year, nervous about what's ahead - and at the start of the year still not out of IBM.  Why?  A week before what was supposed to be my last day, my manager informed me that HR wouldn't give her clearance to process me out until after she was able to give me my PBC (personal business commitments) rating for the year.  PBCs are what our yearly bonuses and pay increases are based on.  I was okay with that, just one or two weeks more of being with the company wasn't a big deal.

However, when we came back from the Christmas break, my manager asked if she could call me.  I said sure.  I was nervous that she was gonna tell me that the severance and "layoff" plan was off the table.  At this point I had factored that money into my post-IBM budget.  Again, trying to take care of things according to a defined plan.

Well, instead she proposed that I stay on as the Editor for the team - a new role that would be implemented because of all the India writers coming on board - and because the content of the US writers hadn't been officially edited in about 5 years (no funding for an editor).  The role would also include pulling together an official quality plan and some other work. I was like:  "I thought Heather (an official, trained editor) was gonna take on that role".  Her response:  Heather is resigning. She won't be with us as of January 18.  She's gonna pursue her dream of getting a degree in Biology and working with animals."

I was a confused mess.  This is almost exactly what happened back in 2004 when I tried to resign while on leave with Habitat for Humanity.  I resigned and then right before my manager had to process the paper work he was like "Why don't we extend your leave a little longer so you can make sure you really want to leave."  Now, at that time, the Lord supernaturally made it very clear I should return and I did.  However, this time, in all my praying to get a clear understanding of what the heck was going on...why I could not seem to get clear and free of this company when, in the past year, 4 other team members had left without issue, I received no clear direction from the Lord.  The silence left me that much more confused.  On top of that, I was still under stress about the GMAT scores and the likelihood that I would not be accepted into a PhD program.  So, without any clear word from God after about 5 days of prayer and pondering, I told Laura I would take the job.  Did I want to be an editor?  No.  Had I ever, in my almost 16 years with the company want to be an editor?  No.  But I was feeling that it was a foolish move to not at least try the job.  It felt like what I SHOULD do. 

Nonetheless, after a week of sleepless nights and not being happy with my decision to stay, I went back to my manager and told her that I couldn't take the job and re-resigned.  Of course, now the severance and lay off are off the table.  Now, I would be leaving like I felt that I was supposed to leave in April of 2012:  Not really knowing what's ahead, with just my savings and maybe the ability to withdrawal a bit off the top of my 401k to hold me over until whatever I'm supposed to be doing next materializes.

And that is the story as of today, 2/1/13.  1/31/13 was my last official day as an IBMer.  It's so surreal.  I feel like I'm just on vacation or on another leave of absence and that eventually I'll return to the same ole same ole.  No - not this time.  This is for real.  16 years of my life - a vast chunk of my life - especially these past almost 8, intense years, are now history.  There will be no new IBM memories - no new stresses or strains - worries or concerns - griping and mumbling - seeking and striving to get out of dodge.  I AM OUT OF DODGE.

Lord have mercy!  What have I done!?

A good thing.  The best thing.  An exciting, LORD OF MERCY, thing!

My words for this year: 
Psalm 63:3  - Your unfailing love is better than life itself.  How I will praise you all the days of my life.
Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord WHATEVER you do and He WILL ESTABLISH YOUR PLANS
Provers 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART, Kim - DO NOT lean on your own understanding.  ACKNOWLEDGE HIM in all that you do, Kim and HE WILL DIRECT your path.

PRAISE HIM
COMMIT MYSELF TO HIM
TRUST HIM

In this year ahead I will be tested to do all of these things and to BELIEVE and not be unbelieving that He has a purpose in all this and that He will enable me to discern it and walk it out.  That He remembers the giving He has enabled me to do and that He will allow Jonathan and I to reap a harvest of vineyards that I did not plant, houses that I did not build.  He will provide for me and Jonathan out of the riches of HIS GLORY IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD.  I have to stand on the word to me that to walk away from what doesn't make sense to walk away from during a time that it doesn't make sense to take that walk is because I can trust that by obediently going out into the deep, HE WILL Bless me to bring in a large haul.  I will.  I shall.  I can!

Let the adventure begin!

P B

It's  a bit uncanny.  Whenever I get the inkling to follow through on my "sense" that marriage is impending, I end up being contacted by a man whom I have dismissed as being marriage material.  I'll just state his initials here - P B.  Also, I tend to dream about him right before he contacts me.  Strange.  Early this morning he was in one of my dreams.  I chalked it up to seeing a gentleman on House Hunters last night who reminded me so much of P B.  Typically, when I make a strong connection like that, it seeps into my subconscious and I end up dreaming about the connected person or situation.  Nonetheless, I didn't think that he would contact me today.  I should have assumed it would happen.  It always happens like that.

Why have I dismissed him?  I've seen a side of him that can be rough - intimidating - even scary.  And yet, he can also be quite tender, thoughtful.  I believe in the safety of a loving relationship, where he really feels cared for and valued, he would give his partner the world.  In a way, like many of the guys I've dated in the past, he's a loner and lonely - he's seeking a sense of belonging and acceptance for who he is.  However, I'm not sure I can handle coddling him AND a small child AND pursuing the next thing the Lord has for me vocation-wise.  Plus, the intimidating part of him:  That gives me pause most of all.  We've had a couple of conversations in the past that really put me off.  I consider those red flags.  Big red flags.

So, if indeed P B is the one that I believe I'm destined to connect with before the end of the year - God's agreed upon life mate with whom, on 4/20/13, I will come into consecrated, covenant marriage - well, I'm gonna have to KNOW in my spirit that that is the case...just an unquestionable YES from the Holy Spirit, without doubt or reservation.  He's gonna have to display something of a change in his character when we speak and interact over the course of this next month, a change that I can conclude is genuine, authentic, transparent and honest.  No games. No pretense.  Real. 

Lord, I need to see this in P B...and I need to reflect that back to him, so that we can both objectively assess what the heck this keepin' on keepin' on comin' into each others life for these past 6 years is all about.

And honestly - what does it mean?

One thing I can reflect on - that continues to warm my heart about this gentleman - well, there are actually a few things, is the care he showed me in the wake of my pregnancy with Jonathan.  He offered to come along side us - to care for Jonathan as his own. I dismissed it. I remembered one of our sour conversations of several months before and thought, no way do I want to get hooked into a long-term relationship with someone who has what I deemed a Jekyll and Hyde sort of personality.

He also showed my mother much tenderness before her knee surgery and after.  And he's been amazingly sweet to Jonathan.  And Jonathan likes him.

Finally, he's raised two sons closely with his first wife and another from a distance (though she did have to take him to court so that he would pay child support - but he has managed to build a relationship with the young man - a good relationship - so I have to give him props) - and all three boys are law-abiding citizens, college graduates, haven't made any babies out of wedlock, are upstanding, good men.

And P B has made strides in his own way toward a deeper, more abiding relationship with Christ.  However, being knitted to a good, Bible-believing church, giving and tithing regularly, serving in his community (well, his job is a huge service, so I'll give him that), and being accountable to mature, Godly males (that's probably the biggest one for me) is a bit lacking.  And I'm not sure that he really has any good, good male friends.  His loner side and the kind of work that he does seems to have gotten in the way of that happening.  Nevertheless, accountability is something that I need to see.  No man is an island.  He needs to get connected.

So, that's that for now.  I'll re-post later on how this thing is going.  Maybe after our Friday convo I'll just return to the place I've always been with him and chalk it up as a false alarm -- the real deal is still on his way before year-end 2012.  Or maybe he is the one -- and crazy as it sounds, I could find myself spending the rest of my life with the one who has seemingly kept arriving to take that place but the timing just wasn't right.  Maybe now it is...

End to the beginning

So, in about 2 weeks I will end my regular work time as an IBM-er.  It's finally about to happen.  All my complaints about my work being an ill-fit...the struggles to do my tasks, especially in the wake of Jonathan's birth...the sense that the anointing upon me to do the work had been lifted - well, the door is now open for me to take a deep breath and move forward into whatever might be the Lord's desire for my life - my life with Jonathan - in 2013 and beyond.

Nonetheless, leaving is sad.

I didn't imagine it would be this sad.  I'm not wallowing in grief, but there's a light fog hovering over my expectations and anticipations for the future - a fog of ennui and remembrances of what IS so good about IBM and so great about the work that the Lord accomplished through me in the company and all the marvelous people that He blessed me to work with, be mentored by and to work under.  It's been a glorious ride.  A lot of pain - some significant pain over the past 7 years as a PM - a few episodes prior during my season with z/OS, but a lot of joy too.  I particularly am sad to leave my current team - just an amazing and beautiful group of individuals.  And yes, there's a lot of change afoot.  Three people have already left in the past year and they're bringing in a slew of new, international energy from India.  The team will be different.  It'll work differently, it'll engage with the product, our deliverables, and each other differently.  I won't be a part of any of that change.  It's my prayer that it'll ultimately be for the VERY best for everyone involved...that all strategic plans are a hit and that the years ahead for ID and Platform - or should I say, Cloud Management (its new incarnation) are the best years yet.

For me - I pray the same:  That the best is yet to come.

I sense that there are opportunities being set up - doors opening - avenues to travel - that I would never encounter if I stayed at IBM.  The Lord confirmed to me way back in March that it was time - time to move on. He gave me a specific word (see this Blog post), so I don't have to doubt that what I'm about to do is right - for this time - right for me - and agreed to by the Lord almighty.  Every step beyond that rhema word has been further confirmation - down to the fact that I'm able to leave in December as I believed I would, and that He is supplying a bit of bounty as I leave through a package and unemployment.

Last night,  I also sensed a renewed calling to pray about marriage...that marriage is indeed part of His overall plan for Jonathan and I in 2013 and to believe that it will come to pass, literally, in the 1st half of the year.  It will be part of the massive shift that is occurring in my life at this time.  Maybe I'm foolish.  However, yesterday when I went to read my scripture for the day it said this (and my iPhone Bible is still saying this today because the app is frozen on the entry):

"This is what I want you to do:  Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you.  Ask in my name, according to my will, and He'll most certainly give it to you.  Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks."  John 16:24 (MSG)

It jolted me -- another goosebump time for me - another rhema word.  Similar to the word to leave IBM at the end of the year.  Similar to the PhD Project email soliciting me to finish my application even though I had decided that a PhD in Management really wasn't for me.  Similar to doing more investigation and realizing that the specialization of organizational management IS a good fit for me.   Similar to the prophetic dreams about Virginia in October  - seeing VerRonda and Will in a field of green, trees behind, looking happy and in love - yet at the time, to my knowledge, not at all in that state - only a few days later to receive a baby shower invite with a beautiful pic displaying exactly what I dreamed - a dream that had prompted me to check out potential schools in VA only to discover that THE school I should apply to - Virginia Commonwealth - is located there.  And similar to the fact that I was rejected by the Project, but it doesn't matter - VCU is not a supporting school - so my main reason to attend the conference - to connect with the chosen schools I was applying to - was null in void - and I can still meet reps from the school - AT THE SCHOOL itself - and get a train ride out of it for me and Jonathan and my mom - in January.  Similar, Similar, Similar - in all the uncanny ways that the Lord tends to speaks to me.

It jolted me even further because yesterday was a very significant day in my life - quiet in it's impact and execution - yet, extremely, extremely significant:  I was re-baptized.

Yes, finally, after years of promptings to do so, I followed through on the Lord's call to my heart.  Well, maybe what I should say is that He pushed me to follow-through - I didn't do it on my own.  He used a hurricane and an anointed word from Pastor Cuyler (our new Liquid New Brunz campus pastor who looks like Donnie Osmond - but oh so sweet!) to compel me to move forward as a true step of moving forward in Him for the rest of my life, in a new, concentrated, consecrated and submitted manner.

So, when I read that scripture, in light of what took place yesterday, I had to take it as an opportunity to follow through and ask - to craft specifically what I'm hoping for at least for 2013.  And that is to be accepted into a PhD program in Biz - with VCU as my first choice - and to be married on a whole number date in April 2013 and to in fact connect with this life mate before the end of the calendar year, 2012.  And weirdly, when I went to check a date on my iPhone calendar, I had already penciled in an expectant wedding date of 4/20/13.  Strange?  No, just one more God-incidence in what I believe will be a whole host of them over the next few months.

So, an end is about to take place. However, many new beginnings, as well.  In the midst - many new changes in me - perfecting, equipping, cleansing, improving, celebrating, being...being His, being more present for Jonathan...being more loving, kind, giving, caring...being more me and liking that me, in all my imperfections and insecurities and weakness - being more IN HIM...and enjoying every minute of it.

Lord, have your way --- open me up to YOU and YOUR PLANS - help me to believe that I'm asking for those things that are in keeping with the things that you have revealed to me - PhD, Marriage, another Son, Travel, Writing, Serving.  Help me to believe beyond belief and to keep on believing after that.  I trust you and I love you.  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Help me to make that clear to everyone around me through the life that I live because of YOU!