Mary Southerland - "Miss Hard word for the day"- Girlfriend of God had a great devotion today. She spoke about really believing that the Lord wants to bless us - wants us to ask Him boldly for what we need - and that we need to expect Him to answer. But not based on what we do or how we act, but upon His grace alone...His goodness alone. I had another devotion today that spoke about a similar truth -- that it's a matter of asking, seeking, knocking and believing that He will respond. We simply must trust and wait.
So, Mary asked that we write out a prayer of committment thanking God for His blessings in our lives and the blessings that He has in store for us.
Here it goes:
Lord God! Father! Daddy! Thank you. Simply Thank you. You are so good to me and by no means do I deserve it. I'm full of self-pity, self-absorption, self-condemnation, every foul thing that the enemy puts in my path to trip over, I dutifully do so, with not much feeling of sorrow for how it really defames the greatness of You in my life and the lives of those close to me. Thank you Lord that despite myself, You still manage to love me and care for me in such a great and perfect manner. I don't always understand Your ways. I feel quite a bit like the Prodigal Son's brother much of the time, but each day You give me a glimpse of HOW MUCH You do love me and want the very best for me. So, Lord: Thank YOU!
Whatever You have for me I receive in gratitude. I've been in an utter fog of confusion. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do from one day to the next. I've had no real motivation to truly spend time with You so that maybe You can talk to me.
WAIT!!
Right now, I'm sensing that the enemy has been keeping me in bondage about this whole notion of QUIET TIME. Yes, it would be better for me not to waste valuable time watching HGTV to the wee hours of the morning, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much wine and eating too many sweets.
However, none of that NEGATES the TRUTH that You will NEVER. EVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME...that You are WITH ME ALWAYS...that the Holy Spirit LIVES IN ME...and that I AM FILLED TO THE OVERFLOW with the Spirit. You speak to me all the time in a myriad of ways. I'm talking to You all the time. We have a very intimate, abiding relationship. That I see very clearly now. Thank You Lord for your presence in my life and for leading and directing me and protecting me and Jonathan. Lord, I bind the attack of the enemy upon my soul to keep me tied to the lie that unless I spend 30 minutes of quiet time with you and 30 minutes a day reading the Bible, you won't speak to me or direct me or bless me. You do all these things regardless of the time I spend with you in QUIET. You supercede quiet. You are God Almighty. You do all things well. There are no limiations to your ability to guide me and lead me. Thank you, Lord, for this truth.
I'm so grateful for our continual conversation. I'm so grateful that You allow me to be gritty raw with You and that You don't shame me. I tend to shame and condemn myself, but I refuse to do that anymore. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I loose upon my heart, mind and spirit utter FREEDOM in Christ Jesus my Lord. For the word is true, whom the Lord sets free, is free indeed!
Praise you God!!!
Oh, yeah, I'm still expecting a great job, perfectly suited to me, with a great schedule, with a just right salary, amazing benefits, an EASY commute, where You are utilizing me to the fullest to bless the work, my colleagues, customers and yeah, myself - where you are GLORIFIED. I'm believing that You are ABLE to bless me with this job for a start date of May 5, 2014 ==> 5+5+2+1+4 = 17 =>1+7=8
8 = New Beginnings. How fitting!
Thank you, God!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Dream a lil dream
So, given the ability to do whatever I wanted to do, what would that be?
I would have to go way back to 1992, scary to think, but that is 22 years ago. 22 years ago.
I would have had the ability to be accepted into an MFA program.
I would have graduated with a manuscript and ability to teach writing at a college level.
I would have taken on an assignment in Eurpose, preferably Paris.
I would have met a wonderful Eurpoean gentleman or an Officer in the US Armed Services and continued to travel with him and build a family, while stilll writing.
I would have eventually been published.
That is my dream.
That didn't happen.
I always go back to the fact that I guess I really don't have a true passion to be a writer. If so, I would have kept on writing, kept trying.
That last rejection back in, I guess it was 2007 or so, just did me in. Any desire to write fiction has wained.
But I still want to write for a living. I want to study the craft of writing creative non-fiction, which is where my current passion in writing lies. I want to be in an atmosphere where that is the focus and the goal - where I am FORCED to write, or no degree will I get. Where I will be forced to give and RECEIVE feedback on my writing. Where I can have directed reading, and where I can critically think about and discuss what I'm reading.
But that's unreasonable. I have a 3 year old and $10,000 of spending money. I could cash out my 401K for this dream, or sacrifice the dream for Jonathan's well-being and future.
The latter is the righteous and noble choice.
Why not just write? Why do you need an MFA or a PhD? Why?
I just do. I'm never gonna have the wherewithal in and of myself to simply write. I just won't. I know myself. I know myself.
Unfortunately, there are no good writing programs, MFA programs that I can apply to in NJ. There is one in Purchase, NY - Mahattanville College - that sounds like a good fit, and yet...
How distressing. What do I do, Lord? Will you make this dream come true for me?
I would have to go way back to 1992, scary to think, but that is 22 years ago. 22 years ago.
I would have had the ability to be accepted into an MFA program.
I would have graduated with a manuscript and ability to teach writing at a college level.
I would have taken on an assignment in Eurpose, preferably Paris.
I would have met a wonderful Eurpoean gentleman or an Officer in the US Armed Services and continued to travel with him and build a family, while stilll writing.
I would have eventually been published.
That is my dream.
That didn't happen.
I always go back to the fact that I guess I really don't have a true passion to be a writer. If so, I would have kept on writing, kept trying.
That last rejection back in, I guess it was 2007 or so, just did me in. Any desire to write fiction has wained.
But I still want to write for a living. I want to study the craft of writing creative non-fiction, which is where my current passion in writing lies. I want to be in an atmosphere where that is the focus and the goal - where I am FORCED to write, or no degree will I get. Where I will be forced to give and RECEIVE feedback on my writing. Where I can have directed reading, and where I can critically think about and discuss what I'm reading.
But that's unreasonable. I have a 3 year old and $10,000 of spending money. I could cash out my 401K for this dream, or sacrifice the dream for Jonathan's well-being and future.
The latter is the righteous and noble choice.
Why not just write? Why do you need an MFA or a PhD? Why?
I just do. I'm never gonna have the wherewithal in and of myself to simply write. I just won't. I know myself. I know myself.
Unfortunately, there are no good writing programs, MFA programs that I can apply to in NJ. There is one in Purchase, NY - Mahattanville College - that sounds like a good fit, and yet...
How distressing. What do I do, Lord? Will you make this dream come true for me?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Mishandling Stress
So, Mary Southerland, the Girlfriend in God devotion writer who always writes the most convicting devotions, that I usually don't want to read, had a decent one today about dealing with stress. She tends to go back to Psalm 23 a lot. I see why. I actually managed to memorize it a few weeks ago, but of course the enemy did a good job snatching it from my memory bank, so I need to do so again. Mary suggests reading the Psalm at least once a day for a week and really mediate on it. She also suggested that I fill in the blank lines below. So, I shall:
Psalm 23 - Beside each phrase below, write you own
thoughts about how God is at work in your life:
He makes me to lie down in green pastures: __ He's calling me to stop worrying about a job, Jonathan, my parents, pretty much everything and just trust Him to work it all out according to His will, timing and purpose, and to His glory____.
He leads me beside the still waters:__He keeps asking me to be still with Him and to lay down the artificial solaces in food, HGTV, and constant reasoning________.
He restores my soul: ___He wants me to get more sleep!_______________.
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me: __To stop being afraid and to simply believe and maintain hope in Him, His provision, His protection._____
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake: __He wants me to remember that it is not I who live but Christ who lives in me and the life that I now live I live by Faith in Christ who loves me and gave His life for me -- that I AM the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.___________.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: __He will fulfill His promises to me! ___.
Psalm 23 - Beside each phrase below, write you own
thoughts about how God is at work in your life:
He makes me to lie down in green pastures: __ He's calling me to stop worrying about a job, Jonathan, my parents, pretty much everything and just trust Him to work it all out according to His will, timing and purpose, and to His glory____.
He leads me beside the still waters:__He keeps asking me to be still with Him and to lay down the artificial solaces in food, HGTV, and constant reasoning________.
He restores my soul: ___He wants me to get more sleep!_______________.
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me: __To stop being afraid and to simply believe and maintain hope in Him, His provision, His protection._____
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake: __He wants me to remember that it is not I who live but Christ who lives in me and the life that I now live I live by Faith in Christ who loves me and gave His life for me -- that I AM the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.___________.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: __He will fulfill His promises to me! ___.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Do better
I need to do better as far as my Father is concerned. I don't return his calls when he calls and leaves voicemails. I only visit him about once a week. I'm complaining about Kay neglecting Jonathan and I'm not doing what I should be doing for my own Father.
Not sure why I'm having so much trouble with this. Part of it, I suppose, is that I don't fully like the facility. I wish I was in a situation where I could afford to put him somewhere much nicer. Better: In a situation where I owned a home big enough to accomodate him and mommy and afford the full-time care. Or my care. My care.
Your vocation is marriage and family.
Maybe all I really heard was your vocation is family. No marriage. No husband. Just taking care of Jonathan, my father and my mother.
I'm not doing any of those things very well.
Wearisome and not sure how to make things right.
Make it right, Lord. I have no capacity to do so. I'm so dependent on Your love and goodness and kindness and other-centeredness working in and through me. Left to myself, I'm no better than a reprobate - a poor excuse for a child of the most high God.
But will this request be answered?
I read a few more inspriational stories of God's amazing provision - miraculous provision - in "It's a God Thing". Great book. Inspiring and soul-deadening at the same time. You see these people who say these surrender prayers, believing for God to take over and then, voila, He does.
Rarely happens with me.
He provides. Crazily so. Just like he did for the prodigal son's brother. I've always been with Him and everything He has is mine.
Yet, that overt showing of His care and provision, in the way that the Father showed out for the prodigal son. Not so much. Yet, like the brother, for me to feel a bit slighted is supposed to be a sin against God. And act of disobedience and disprect. Irreverant.
Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for the prodigal son's brother, but I do. I identify so well with him.
I can pray for others and see God move in mighty, tremendous ways. I just rarely see Him move in direct response to prayers over my life. Indirectly, He does stuff all the time, and yest I AM GRATEFUL. I rejoice in His provision, protection. Where woudl I be without Him. But some things, like job, husband, home -- never mind. I'm being self-pity, Kim, again. I just need to stop it.
Help me, Lord. Help me.
Not sure why I'm having so much trouble with this. Part of it, I suppose, is that I don't fully like the facility. I wish I was in a situation where I could afford to put him somewhere much nicer. Better: In a situation where I owned a home big enough to accomodate him and mommy and afford the full-time care. Or my care. My care.
Your vocation is marriage and family.
Maybe all I really heard was your vocation is family. No marriage. No husband. Just taking care of Jonathan, my father and my mother.
I'm not doing any of those things very well.
Wearisome and not sure how to make things right.
Make it right, Lord. I have no capacity to do so. I'm so dependent on Your love and goodness and kindness and other-centeredness working in and through me. Left to myself, I'm no better than a reprobate - a poor excuse for a child of the most high God.
But will this request be answered?
I read a few more inspriational stories of God's amazing provision - miraculous provision - in "It's a God Thing". Great book. Inspiring and soul-deadening at the same time. You see these people who say these surrender prayers, believing for God to take over and then, voila, He does.
Rarely happens with me.
He provides. Crazily so. Just like he did for the prodigal son's brother. I've always been with Him and everything He has is mine.
Yet, that overt showing of His care and provision, in the way that the Father showed out for the prodigal son. Not so much. Yet, like the brother, for me to feel a bit slighted is supposed to be a sin against God. And act of disobedience and disprect. Irreverant.
Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for the prodigal son's brother, but I do. I identify so well with him.
I can pray for others and see God move in mighty, tremendous ways. I just rarely see Him move in direct response to prayers over my life. Indirectly, He does stuff all the time, and yest I AM GRATEFUL. I rejoice in His provision, protection. Where woudl I be without Him. But some things, like job, husband, home -- never mind. I'm being self-pity, Kim, again. I just need to stop it.
Help me, Lord. Help me.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Breastfeeding Cessation, Wine Relaxation, Regret Strangulation
So, I think it was March 10th that I stopped the nightly breast feeding with Jonathan. A little over 3 years. And that was it. I was done. He was too, though he sorta whined about it and cried some crocodile tears. I had to pull the pillow from him and throw it down the stairs (it's now hidden under my mother's bed). From time to time he goes to reach for it at bedtime, but then remembers "Bye Bye, pillow!" Yup, bye bye pillow.
They say that you'll know when you are ready to stop. I wasn't ready up until that day - no, actually a couple of days earlier he forgot to get the pillow and did not feed and I thought, yay, finally. It was at that point I knew I was done. Jonathan decided to request milk the next night and I was disappointed by the request. And so, a few days later, I just stopped cold turkey.
I've had no physical discomfort. There is still milk there when I squeeze my nipple. I suppose it'll be there for awhile. But I'm done. The woman who when first found pregnant declared she would NEVER breast feed ended up doing so for over 3 years. She was done. Done, Done, Done.
And yet so grateful.
I really have to praise God for the privilege of being able to nourish Jonathan this way. Grateful for the bonding that can only be experienced through breastfeeding and particularly the sweet closesness at night over the last year or so of our once a day night-time feedings. I'm grateful that the Lord made it so that we were both pretty much ready to close the door. I'm not experiencing any sadness, regret or guilt. Thank you, Jesus. I know if I had ended it any earlier, I would have gone through all of that emotional trauma. The Lord made a way out of us having to take that journey.
I do believe that Jonathan was also ready, but strangely, his night time ritual got a bit out of hand that first week or so. He would not lay down. Kept getting up and running around until he was exhausted enough to sleep. He got a cold last week and that seemed to have brought him back to his regular night time cycle of simply hitting the pillow and falling out into a semi-coma for10+hours. All is good now.
You'll see that wine relaxation is in my subject line. Well, I'm back to my wine fix at night. Something that I never really stopped when I was breastfeeding - well, save the first year of breast-feeding - but sorta took a break from at the start of this year when I did that fast with Lolita and the gals.
I suppose Jesus should be my night cap and my morning cap and my all day cap. I should be meditating on Him moreso than the swirl of red in my wine glass.
But wine is easier - and I guess, more satisfying.
Why is that? Why are so many things so much easier than spending quiet time with the Lord? Why do I experience more quiet and peace breast feeding Jonathan or watching a Hockey game or catching episodes of Property Brothers and House Hunters than I do sitting quietly with the Lord?
Why Lord?
I know that true victory and peace in life comes primarily from spending time with the Lord. I know we're supposed to also meditate on the word. However, just the actual time with Him is most important. Yet, I find it so hard to do.
More quiet time - more simply being in His presence would most likely quash my lingering angry outbursts of aggravation and irritation - such as was displayed yesterday when I so RUDELY interrupted the Financial Peace Class. Background: I arrived late to class with Jonathan in tow and he refused to be quiet and so I got up in a huff, making more noise than I had already done entering the class late and then in my anger slammed the door - basically taking about 10 minutes of the classes well-paid qualtity time focusing on the lesson at hand. Just another bone-headed, selfish, self-centered move on my part in a life that seems all about self, self, self, at the expense of other's happiness.
Anyway, I can't shake the reqret of what happened. The weight of this regret feels like it will never ease up. Regardless of God's forgiveness and His ability to throw my sin as far as east is from west, I can't seem to shake off the sense that there is no way to make this up to those people and to the class leader, Tom. Yes, they can forgive, but they can't forget, just like I'm having a hard time doing. I have to suffer the consequences, and I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it. I simply don't want to go back to the class and at this point, I doubt that I will.
Call me a coward. I just don't see how a simple, I'm so sorry for my rudeness and selfishness, please forgive me, will make a difference. Maybe it will. I don't know.
Regret strangulation. Suffocating. Relentless. A constant companion for me. I don't live carefree. Every thing I do is couched in the darkness of severe consequences. Bolts of light are rare. However, I will bask in what light I do receive. Like Jonathan's laughter and his ability to remember characters in books, even those I've only read to him a couple of times. His beautiful eyes and how he looks so intently at me some times. The joy he experiences when we sing together or dance in our silly way. I need to just rest in those moments with him, so that the light of his innocence casts a beam of brightness over all the areas of my life that right now seem dark and hopeless.
I love the wine. It's not enough. Timely ending to breast feeding and having my body fully back to myself. Not enought. Quiet time with the Lord - hard enough. Not enough. What is the answer?
No man. No job. No perfect body, ageless skin, published book, nada. What is it Lord?
What is it Lord?
Receiving His forgiveness.
Not putting Him back on the cross to re-do a work that He has already finished.
My sins are forgiven. Past Present Futuere.
Get over it, Kim.
Whether or not they forgive you. Whether they scowl, hate, turn their noses up to you, find you repulsive, wish you never came back to class...
You are forgiven by the Father. He saw it about to happen. He let it happen. He says, okay Kim. Return to me. My arms are wide open to comfort you in all your shame and regret. In all your anger and remorse. Let me comfort you.
The class will never be able to comfort you or forgive you enough. It's impossible.
Run to the one who forgives COMPLETELY and who remembers your sin, NO MORE.
Run to Jesus.
They say that you'll know when you are ready to stop. I wasn't ready up until that day - no, actually a couple of days earlier he forgot to get the pillow and did not feed and I thought, yay, finally. It was at that point I knew I was done. Jonathan decided to request milk the next night and I was disappointed by the request. And so, a few days later, I just stopped cold turkey.
I've had no physical discomfort. There is still milk there when I squeeze my nipple. I suppose it'll be there for awhile. But I'm done. The woman who when first found pregnant declared she would NEVER breast feed ended up doing so for over 3 years. She was done. Done, Done, Done.
And yet so grateful.
I really have to praise God for the privilege of being able to nourish Jonathan this way. Grateful for the bonding that can only be experienced through breastfeeding and particularly the sweet closesness at night over the last year or so of our once a day night-time feedings. I'm grateful that the Lord made it so that we were both pretty much ready to close the door. I'm not experiencing any sadness, regret or guilt. Thank you, Jesus. I know if I had ended it any earlier, I would have gone through all of that emotional trauma. The Lord made a way out of us having to take that journey.
I do believe that Jonathan was also ready, but strangely, his night time ritual got a bit out of hand that first week or so. He would not lay down. Kept getting up and running around until he was exhausted enough to sleep. He got a cold last week and that seemed to have brought him back to his regular night time cycle of simply hitting the pillow and falling out into a semi-coma for10+hours. All is good now.
You'll see that wine relaxation is in my subject line. Well, I'm back to my wine fix at night. Something that I never really stopped when I was breastfeeding - well, save the first year of breast-feeding - but sorta took a break from at the start of this year when I did that fast with Lolita and the gals.
I suppose Jesus should be my night cap and my morning cap and my all day cap. I should be meditating on Him moreso than the swirl of red in my wine glass.
But wine is easier - and I guess, more satisfying.
Why is that? Why are so many things so much easier than spending quiet time with the Lord? Why do I experience more quiet and peace breast feeding Jonathan or watching a Hockey game or catching episodes of Property Brothers and House Hunters than I do sitting quietly with the Lord?
Why Lord?
I know that true victory and peace in life comes primarily from spending time with the Lord. I know we're supposed to also meditate on the word. However, just the actual time with Him is most important. Yet, I find it so hard to do.
More quiet time - more simply being in His presence would most likely quash my lingering angry outbursts of aggravation and irritation - such as was displayed yesterday when I so RUDELY interrupted the Financial Peace Class. Background: I arrived late to class with Jonathan in tow and he refused to be quiet and so I got up in a huff, making more noise than I had already done entering the class late and then in my anger slammed the door - basically taking about 10 minutes of the classes well-paid qualtity time focusing on the lesson at hand. Just another bone-headed, selfish, self-centered move on my part in a life that seems all about self, self, self, at the expense of other's happiness.
Anyway, I can't shake the reqret of what happened. The weight of this regret feels like it will never ease up. Regardless of God's forgiveness and His ability to throw my sin as far as east is from west, I can't seem to shake off the sense that there is no way to make this up to those people and to the class leader, Tom. Yes, they can forgive, but they can't forget, just like I'm having a hard time doing. I have to suffer the consequences, and I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it. I simply don't want to go back to the class and at this point, I doubt that I will.
Call me a coward. I just don't see how a simple, I'm so sorry for my rudeness and selfishness, please forgive me, will make a difference. Maybe it will. I don't know.
Regret strangulation. Suffocating. Relentless. A constant companion for me. I don't live carefree. Every thing I do is couched in the darkness of severe consequences. Bolts of light are rare. However, I will bask in what light I do receive. Like Jonathan's laughter and his ability to remember characters in books, even those I've only read to him a couple of times. His beautiful eyes and how he looks so intently at me some times. The joy he experiences when we sing together or dance in our silly way. I need to just rest in those moments with him, so that the light of his innocence casts a beam of brightness over all the areas of my life that right now seem dark and hopeless.
I love the wine. It's not enough. Timely ending to breast feeding and having my body fully back to myself. Not enought. Quiet time with the Lord - hard enough. Not enough. What is the answer?
No man. No job. No perfect body, ageless skin, published book, nada. What is it Lord?
What is it Lord?
Receiving His forgiveness.
Not putting Him back on the cross to re-do a work that He has already finished.
My sins are forgiven. Past Present Futuere.
Get over it, Kim.
Whether or not they forgive you. Whether they scowl, hate, turn their noses up to you, find you repulsive, wish you never came back to class...
You are forgiven by the Father. He saw it about to happen. He let it happen. He says, okay Kim. Return to me. My arms are wide open to comfort you in all your shame and regret. In all your anger and remorse. Let me comfort you.
The class will never be able to comfort you or forgive you enough. It's impossible.
Run to the one who forgives COMPLETELY and who remembers your sin, NO MORE.
Run to Jesus.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
A short burst
I want to do a free write. Not think about what I'm writing. Just get it out. Today is a not so spectacular day, save that it is warmer than usual. Arrived at school this morning, with great hope that Jonathan could play outside with all the other little kids running around. He was expectant too. Expectancies dashed as we entered his class to see that the kids running outside were not his classmates, but instead the preschool class, one grade above his. All his classmates were sitting around the table doing a craft.
Sigh.
He cried. Very upset. I totally understand.
Jonathan's primary issue - outside of just being a terrible three - is that he needs to expend energy. He's got cabin fever. His body needs to run, jump, climb! He needs fresh air. And not just for 15 or 20 minutes per day. I'd say at least one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon, and one or more hours after school. I'm sick and tired of the cold. I want the spring and the warmth. The sunshine, the green. He wants it too. He needs it too. I want it not just in the spring and summer. I want it all year round. I want out of NJ. I want to move to somewhere more affordable and Lord knows, more temperant. Alas, I can't. I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I have no job. I need a job. I want a husband. I have no means to a husband. No guarantee that said husband would be financially secure enough so that I would not have to work. It would be great if that were the case. If my dream of dreams could be answered: High Ranking, military officer, wife-less, child-less, looking for both a wife and a child and would like a child of his own. About to be put on assignment overseas, preferably Europe. Preferably France. Oh, that would be marvelous. Loves, Loves, Loves, the Lord and is a man after God's own heart. Stable, secure, and willing to deal with a very mixed up screwy neurotic lady with a terrible three year-old son, a son he will love with the Love of God as if he is his very own.
My dream.
How bout this year we meet?. Next year we marry. Following year our family grows due to a new addition out of my old, 48 year old womb.
How bout it Lord.
How bout my dream of a warm inviting home for our family and to entertain others with a small building on the lot to house my parents and then future missionaries and full-time Christian workers who need a retreat, a place of release and relaxation - at no cost. A home on a beautiful lot, in a cool area where they can stroll on a quaint main street, get a bite to eat, sit on a park bench and just reflect.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up together in an increasing knowledge of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and both their hearts being pricked to live for Christ, in their given vocactons, marriages, and extra-curricular activities.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up around a nice group of kids and each of them being each others best friends, ultimately, but also blessed with one or two wonderful, Christ-centered buddies with whom they can share life with as they grow and mature into responsble, spirit-filled men.
How bout it Lord.
How bout continued health and long life for my parents and reconciliation and an infilling of love and understanding in their hearts for each other so that the latter years are far richer and more fufilling then the former.
How bout Brandon getting totally and completely delivered from alcohol and drug addiciton. His whole family secure and whole as he embraces sobriety. Everyone in harmony in Christ. His step-grandchildren walking in the way, Tawana fully at peace with him and the Father, Maria seeped in joy and in love with a new man that you send into her life.
How bout it Lord.
How bout all my sisters in Christ living spirit-filled, fulfilling lives of service and love, enjoying their work, their families and blessed in loving, convenant marriages - satisfying the word by You: It is not good for man to be alone...
How bout Jonathan and Kay having a vital strong relationship as son and father and Kay being incredibly intentional about spending time with Jonathan and getting to know him - that they truly enjoy each other and establish an unshakeable, almost mystical bond to each other.
How bout it Lord.
Work these things out, Lord. I beseech You, in full knowledge that you are both able AND willing to do so. I praise You, worship You, depend on You, ADOORE You, bow down to You, exalt You, give my all to You, for You alone are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED & HIGHLY LIFTED UP!
You are able to bring this all to fruition - to Your praise and to Your GLORY!
How bout it Lord?
Sigh.
He cried. Very upset. I totally understand.
Jonathan's primary issue - outside of just being a terrible three - is that he needs to expend energy. He's got cabin fever. His body needs to run, jump, climb! He needs fresh air. And not just for 15 or 20 minutes per day. I'd say at least one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon, and one or more hours after school. I'm sick and tired of the cold. I want the spring and the warmth. The sunshine, the green. He wants it too. He needs it too. I want it not just in the spring and summer. I want it all year round. I want out of NJ. I want to move to somewhere more affordable and Lord knows, more temperant. Alas, I can't. I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I have no job. I need a job. I want a husband. I have no means to a husband. No guarantee that said husband would be financially secure enough so that I would not have to work. It would be great if that were the case. If my dream of dreams could be answered: High Ranking, military officer, wife-less, child-less, looking for both a wife and a child and would like a child of his own. About to be put on assignment overseas, preferably Europe. Preferably France. Oh, that would be marvelous. Loves, Loves, Loves, the Lord and is a man after God's own heart. Stable, secure, and willing to deal with a very mixed up screwy neurotic lady with a terrible three year-old son, a son he will love with the Love of God as if he is his very own.
My dream.
How bout this year we meet?. Next year we marry. Following year our family grows due to a new addition out of my old, 48 year old womb.
How bout it Lord.
How bout my dream of a warm inviting home for our family and to entertain others with a small building on the lot to house my parents and then future missionaries and full-time Christian workers who need a retreat, a place of release and relaxation - at no cost. A home on a beautiful lot, in a cool area where they can stroll on a quaint main street, get a bite to eat, sit on a park bench and just reflect.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up together in an increasing knowledge of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and both their hearts being pricked to live for Christ, in their given vocactons, marriages, and extra-curricular activities.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up around a nice group of kids and each of them being each others best friends, ultimately, but also blessed with one or two wonderful, Christ-centered buddies with whom they can share life with as they grow and mature into responsble, spirit-filled men.
How bout it Lord.
How bout continued health and long life for my parents and reconciliation and an infilling of love and understanding in their hearts for each other so that the latter years are far richer and more fufilling then the former.
How bout Brandon getting totally and completely delivered from alcohol and drug addiciton. His whole family secure and whole as he embraces sobriety. Everyone in harmony in Christ. His step-grandchildren walking in the way, Tawana fully at peace with him and the Father, Maria seeped in joy and in love with a new man that you send into her life.
How bout it Lord.
How bout all my sisters in Christ living spirit-filled, fulfilling lives of service and love, enjoying their work, their families and blessed in loving, convenant marriages - satisfying the word by You: It is not good for man to be alone...
How bout Jonathan and Kay having a vital strong relationship as son and father and Kay being incredibly intentional about spending time with Jonathan and getting to know him - that they truly enjoy each other and establish an unshakeable, almost mystical bond to each other.
How bout it Lord.
Work these things out, Lord. I beseech You, in full knowledge that you are both able AND willing to do so. I praise You, worship You, depend on You, ADOORE You, bow down to You, exalt You, give my all to You, for You alone are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED & HIGHLY LIFTED UP!
You are able to bring this all to fruition - to Your praise and to Your GLORY!
How bout it Lord?
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Purifying - the hard way...
So, at 10:30 PM, Sunday, March 16, I ended a 7 day fast from all food and drink, save tea and water (and the last couple of days, two glasses of juice) - a fast that commenced on March 9, 2014. I had not done a 7 day fast since January 2010.
I was desperate.
Jonathan's potty training and overall escalation in strong-willed behavior...my lack of control over food and the extra 25 pounds on my body that had me tipping the scales at a very uncomfortable 166 lbs...bad skin, thinning hair, body odor and just an overall malaise and descending depression that was steeped in rage and angry outbursts --- primarily against Jonathan -- all of these issues had to be nipped in the bud.
I did not want to hurt my son. I no longer wanted to put my hands on him in anger or yell at him or act uncontrollably in any way towards him. Something had to give.
So the Lord led me to fast.
It was hard. A very hard week.
But I'm on the other side now. The food addiction has been broken. I had already started working out again after not really being consistent since my dad's fall last May, and pretty much not working out at all from December-February. I had started walking again, as well. However, there was still a drudgery about doing it - that dread that had fallen upon my absolute favorite thing to do (working out) after my dad's fall, in conjunction with Jonathan's constant intrusions when I would work out, and my inability to work out before he woke up because it made it a very tense assignment for me - totally canceling out the purpose of working out: to relieve stress!
All of the dread is gone. I feel again my vigor and excitement for working out. In addition, I have more of a desire to cook good meals and feel horrible that I have stuffed Jonathan's mouth with so much junk food over the past 9 months or so.
I'm in therapy now, as well. Interestingly enough, at my last session, Vonetta, my therapist, pointed out that all of the stuff I had been dealing with: the anger, the weight gain, the thinning hair, the skin problems, the lack of focus, the feeling as if I was in a fog, the lethargy - well, all of that is an indication of depression. It's tied to the many losses that I've had to deal with over the past year: the presence of my dad at home, the loss of my quasi independence as a daughter (having to take on more responsibility in the care of my parents), the loss of Anthony coming by on a regular basis to spend time with Jonathan because he's in a new relationship...the loss associated with leaving IBM, though of my own fruition, there is still the loss of what was familiar for the past 16 years ...the loss of certainty about Jonathan's intellectual development because of his participation in the early intervention program...the loss of affection towards Kay and the hope of a future family with him...the loss of his attention toward Jonathan that continues to wain and wain (he has not seen Jonathan since New Years Eve).
I have to grieve all of these losses. Until I do, the symptoms of this unexpressed grief will continue to plague me.
So the fast did help in terms of breaking me free of using food to medicate my pain.
However, I'm still struggling with Jonathan.
Turning 3 for him has been hell for me. He seems to be a totally different boy. Incessant whinning...screaming...loud crying jags...not following instructions... totally ignoring directions...refusing to eat what we give him to eat...only wanting sweet stuff to eat.
And Potty training. Ugh! He can't seem to get the peeing on the potty down. He's pooped a lot on the potty, praise God, but it's been pee accident after pee accident. I kept him home for 2 weeks with hopes that he would be able to return to school in underwear. I sent him back even though he was still having accidents, believing that fasting would cause the Lord to work a miracle. It didn't. He's still peeing on himself and refusing to pee on the toilet.
I find myself hating him - dreading him - not wanting to be around him, not wanting to give him the affection and hugs that he demands (which he seems to want the most when he's having an unreasonable crying fit). He's just so unpleasant to be around right now. I love him so much, but displaying an effectual, 1 Cor 13 towards him of late has been very, very hard.
And yet, I have to repeatedly ask myself to put this all into the right perspective: Is my behavior not also so much like this to you, Lord?
Yes, Yes, it is.
And that is one of the things that the Lord gave me in the fast: The reality of my own unreasonableness, my temper tantrums against Him, my demands of Him, my self-pity and self-centeredness, which He NEVER runs away from and never even thinks one moment in His heart that He hates me because I act this way more times than I want to admit. Oh, how great is our God and His merciful love towards us!
I had been questioning if I was even saved and had the Holy Spirit. Where was the power of the Holy Spirit upon my life like the apostles? I'd been asking for more of it. I so need it! God gave me Jonathan to raise. I need the help of the Holy Spirit to raise this very unique, highly intelligent, strong-minded little boy, I need Him - I need POWER from ON HIGH!
And then, during the fast, the Lord led me to open Merlin Carother's Power of Praise, right in the section where he's talking about the in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Merlin explained so clearly that all I have to do to access this power is to pray in tongues and believe that as I pray, He is interceding in that situation and countless other situations with moanings and groanings that I will never understand, but which so accurately describe the need before the throne of our Father in Heaven.
And Daddy hears.
And Daddy acts.
I only need to believe. And I only need to give thanks - always - for everything! The pee accidents, the screaming, the crying jags, the throwing toys and food. Why? Because these are all according to God's perfect plan for our lives - me and Jonathan. He is working all of this for our good and to His glory!
I have been declaring over Jonathan that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. That the Lord will do mighty works through him. How can this happen if he's meek and mild? No, he is the independepent, strong-minded, strong-willed boy that he is for a reason. He might not have many words now to express himself, but the Lord intends to give him many words -- many, many words - that are gonna rock nations and bring His Father in Heaven great glory and fame! And Jonathan will not be thrwarted. He won't let anyone or anything get in his way. The Lord has built him that way.
My confidence is this: The fast worked. My confidence is this: God is preparing both of us for some awesome stuff in the coming year and years. However, the journey will not be easy. I'm being gutted - literally gutted. I've never experienced as much pain as I have over the past year as I have, but it's necessary for me to become whatever I need to become for God to do whatever He needs to do through my life and in my life. I am blessed. I am highly favored and I expect that His promises will come to pass in quick and assured measure in my life. I just have to keep believing, keep praising, and keep thinking him for it ALL. ALL...
ALL
I was desperate.
Jonathan's potty training and overall escalation in strong-willed behavior...my lack of control over food and the extra 25 pounds on my body that had me tipping the scales at a very uncomfortable 166 lbs...bad skin, thinning hair, body odor and just an overall malaise and descending depression that was steeped in rage and angry outbursts --- primarily against Jonathan -- all of these issues had to be nipped in the bud.
I did not want to hurt my son. I no longer wanted to put my hands on him in anger or yell at him or act uncontrollably in any way towards him. Something had to give.
So the Lord led me to fast.
It was hard. A very hard week.
But I'm on the other side now. The food addiction has been broken. I had already started working out again after not really being consistent since my dad's fall last May, and pretty much not working out at all from December-February. I had started walking again, as well. However, there was still a drudgery about doing it - that dread that had fallen upon my absolute favorite thing to do (working out) after my dad's fall, in conjunction with Jonathan's constant intrusions when I would work out, and my inability to work out before he woke up because it made it a very tense assignment for me - totally canceling out the purpose of working out: to relieve stress!
All of the dread is gone. I feel again my vigor and excitement for working out. In addition, I have more of a desire to cook good meals and feel horrible that I have stuffed Jonathan's mouth with so much junk food over the past 9 months or so.
I'm in therapy now, as well. Interestingly enough, at my last session, Vonetta, my therapist, pointed out that all of the stuff I had been dealing with: the anger, the weight gain, the thinning hair, the skin problems, the lack of focus, the feeling as if I was in a fog, the lethargy - well, all of that is an indication of depression. It's tied to the many losses that I've had to deal with over the past year: the presence of my dad at home, the loss of my quasi independence as a daughter (having to take on more responsibility in the care of my parents), the loss of Anthony coming by on a regular basis to spend time with Jonathan because he's in a new relationship...the loss associated with leaving IBM, though of my own fruition, there is still the loss of what was familiar for the past 16 years ...the loss of certainty about Jonathan's intellectual development because of his participation in the early intervention program...the loss of affection towards Kay and the hope of a future family with him...the loss of his attention toward Jonathan that continues to wain and wain (he has not seen Jonathan since New Years Eve).
I have to grieve all of these losses. Until I do, the symptoms of this unexpressed grief will continue to plague me.
So the fast did help in terms of breaking me free of using food to medicate my pain.
However, I'm still struggling with Jonathan.
Turning 3 for him has been hell for me. He seems to be a totally different boy. Incessant whinning...screaming...loud crying jags...not following instructions... totally ignoring directions...refusing to eat what we give him to eat...only wanting sweet stuff to eat.
And Potty training. Ugh! He can't seem to get the peeing on the potty down. He's pooped a lot on the potty, praise God, but it's been pee accident after pee accident. I kept him home for 2 weeks with hopes that he would be able to return to school in underwear. I sent him back even though he was still having accidents, believing that fasting would cause the Lord to work a miracle. It didn't. He's still peeing on himself and refusing to pee on the toilet.
I find myself hating him - dreading him - not wanting to be around him, not wanting to give him the affection and hugs that he demands (which he seems to want the most when he's having an unreasonable crying fit). He's just so unpleasant to be around right now. I love him so much, but displaying an effectual, 1 Cor 13 towards him of late has been very, very hard.
And yet, I have to repeatedly ask myself to put this all into the right perspective: Is my behavior not also so much like this to you, Lord?
Yes, Yes, it is.
And that is one of the things that the Lord gave me in the fast: The reality of my own unreasonableness, my temper tantrums against Him, my demands of Him, my self-pity and self-centeredness, which He NEVER runs away from and never even thinks one moment in His heart that He hates me because I act this way more times than I want to admit. Oh, how great is our God and His merciful love towards us!
I had been questioning if I was even saved and had the Holy Spirit. Where was the power of the Holy Spirit upon my life like the apostles? I'd been asking for more of it. I so need it! God gave me Jonathan to raise. I need the help of the Holy Spirit to raise this very unique, highly intelligent, strong-minded little boy, I need Him - I need POWER from ON HIGH!
And then, during the fast, the Lord led me to open Merlin Carother's Power of Praise, right in the section where he's talking about the in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Merlin explained so clearly that all I have to do to access this power is to pray in tongues and believe that as I pray, He is interceding in that situation and countless other situations with moanings and groanings that I will never understand, but which so accurately describe the need before the throne of our Father in Heaven.
And Daddy hears.
And Daddy acts.
I only need to believe. And I only need to give thanks - always - for everything! The pee accidents, the screaming, the crying jags, the throwing toys and food. Why? Because these are all according to God's perfect plan for our lives - me and Jonathan. He is working all of this for our good and to His glory!
I have been declaring over Jonathan that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. That the Lord will do mighty works through him. How can this happen if he's meek and mild? No, he is the independepent, strong-minded, strong-willed boy that he is for a reason. He might not have many words now to express himself, but the Lord intends to give him many words -- many, many words - that are gonna rock nations and bring His Father in Heaven great glory and fame! And Jonathan will not be thrwarted. He won't let anyone or anything get in his way. The Lord has built him that way.
My confidence is this: The fast worked. My confidence is this: God is preparing both of us for some awesome stuff in the coming year and years. However, the journey will not be easy. I'm being gutted - literally gutted. I've never experienced as much pain as I have over the past year as I have, but it's necessary for me to become whatever I need to become for God to do whatever He needs to do through my life and in my life. I am blessed. I am highly favored and I expect that His promises will come to pass in quick and assured measure in my life. I just have to keep believing, keep praising, and keep thinking him for it ALL. ALL...
ALL
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