I'm really having a difficult time with this whole idea of resting and waiting.
I just spent a lot of wasted time looking at job listings. Sadly there is absolutely nothing that fits me. And really, I'm not sure what I should be looking for. Irritating. Very, Very irritating.
Okay - I'm not supposed to be looking. I know. I'm supposed to be resting. I can't seem to shake the whole notion that if you don't work, you should not eat. That I'm a lazy good for nothing and what kind of example am I setting up for Jonathan. I need to get a job and bring in more money to help my mother with household expenses and for Jonathan and myself.
Yes, marriage and family is my vocation. I'm doing my best to holdfast to that truth - but...
There is no marriage and...
I don't know. It's just hard. I'm talking out of my butt at this point - or should I say, writing out of my butt. There is no reason, no logic. I'm unable to do what I feel the Lord is asking me to do. I don't like this state of nothingness.
That is what it feels like. Nothingness.
Yes, I'm enjoying the time with the Lord. The quiet of coffee shops. The reflection. The sermons and scripture reading. The time, the Time, The time. I do enjoy all of that. However - more. More.
On Monday or Tuesday I listed my hopes and desires - believing the Lord will bring them to pass.
My impatience is getting in the way, though. I guess the one thing that I truly want is to be married - or to be on route to that goal with a man of God's choosing. And yet, where is he?
He is not any man that I already know. That much I am certain.
Not Darryl. Not Phil C. Not Bill. Not Joel. Not Phil B. Not Kay. No one that has already entered my life romantically.
Interestingly enough the number of my "significant relationships" is 6. I had never noticed that before. The Biblical meaning of 6 is man coming short of spiritual perfection. Wow. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
Let me see something:
Darryl M 1 = Unity; New beginnings
Phil C 2 = Union; Division; Witnessing
Bill S 3 = Divine Completeness & Perfection
Joel H 4 = Creation: the World; Creative Works
Phil B 5 = Grace; God's goodness
Kay O 6 = Weakness of Man; Manifestation of Sin; Evils of Satan
? 7 = Resurrection; Spiritual Completeness; Father's Perfection; Divine Fullness
It's interesting how the numbers fall. Darryl was a new beginning as he was my first official boyfriend. Phil C. was marked with union and division (a painful breakup) and witnessing (he was baptized during our relationship, me being a witness of Christ to him). Bill is puzzling. It marks a period of perfection - that possibly he was supposed to be the ONE. I don't know. Overall, he was the person I was most in-line with intellectually, inter-personally, but not necessarily spiritually or physically. The Lord will have to make more sense of that. Joel was marked by creative works. Hmm, also puzzling. Need the Lord to better clarify that, as well. I can sorta see grace and God's goodness over Phil B. Timing was just off for us. Maybe it could have worked. I don't know. Too late now to worry about it. I felt that he wasn't the one and I'm sticking to that. Kay and weakness of man and manifestation of sin. Yeah, that makes total sense. God's redemptive work, as well - through the beauty of Jonathan. The one good thing from this connection.
And so, 7, who ever number 7 is, that will be the Father's perfect one for me and me for him. I'll choose to believe that.
Yet, in the meantime - this waiting and this nothingness. This confusion. This confusion.
Lord, I want to better help my mother with finances. I do want a job, but I'm skittish about taking just any job. By doing that, I end up right back where I was a year ago. Back in a sort of bondage. I don't know.
This is just hard, resting in You and waiting on You. Show me a glimpse of light in this darkness, Lord. Show me the next step to take. Make it clear. Leave me without any doubt.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
More TRUTH to live by...
To the extent that I am in fear or worry there is wrong believing in my life.
It is hard to receive from the Lord if I am full of wrong believing.
Walk in truth not in fear.
Here are some great truths:
Matthew 8:1-4: Many people God has the power to work on their behalf, but they doubt that God is willing to use His power on His behalf. That is me.
He is willing to use HIS power on me. He does it because HE is good.
Under law NO ONE EVER GOT HEALED OF LEPROSY.
And even if they had been healed, they would have needed to go through a ritual of cleansing (that is a picture of the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ). Jesus told the leper that he was CLEANSED. As King, He healed him. As Priest, He cleansed him. The King uses His decree to save, to heal, to deliver. That's why I worship Him, that's why I LOVE HIM as my KING PRIEST!
Deuteronomy 34:7: Moses was 120 years old when he died. His eye was undimmed, and his vigor unabated. Hebrews 11:27: By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible,.i.e., by SEEING GOD. Moses endured (in Greek - CONTINUED STRONG).
Practice the Presence of God. REJOICE IN HIM. BE CONTINUOUSLY IN THANKSGIVING. By doing so, the stronger I will become - just like Moses.
Be grateful that He is my shepherd. That I shall not be in want.
The best way to fight the enemy is to eat the bread of life - to feed at the feet of Jesus. Bread is any teaching - systematic exposition of the doctrines of the Bible - expounding on Christ. Fish represents the practical application of truth. Egg is something that you meditate on, brood over it like a mother hen, and then it will birth life in me.
Numbers 7:89 - 8:4
Message from the Holy of Holies: Everything I do is to bring glory and honor to the Lord Jesus Christ!
When I do: POWER comes into my life. Remember Acts 3:6-16
But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” 7 And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. 8 And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. 9 And all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. 11 While he clung to Peter and John, all the people, utterly astounded, ran together to them in the portico called Solomon's. 12 And when Peter saw it he addressed the people: “Men of Israel, why do you wonder at this, or why do you stare at us, as though by our own power or piety we have made him walk? 13 The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, the God of our fathers, glorified his servant[b] Jesus, whom you delivered over and denied in the presence of Pilate, when he had decided to release him.14 But you denied the Holy and Righteous One, and asked for a murderer to be granted to you, 15 and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses. 16 And his name—by faith in his name—has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus[c] has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all.
When I am burned out, depressed, Jesus lifts me up. He is always raising people up, even today at the right hand of the Father. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He lifts up and wraps me around the trellis (a picture of the cross) and I grow again around it. Value the word of God, eat His bread, and I will be lit up! He will not hide me. I will be set on the lampstand so that EVERYONE can behold His glory.
Ministry of the lampstand is from evening until morning - so in the darkest times of my life, the Lord will shine His light brightly. The enemy's single objective is for me to take my eyes off the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm never stronger, healthier, more prosperous than when I am looking on Jesus, the one who is altogether lovely.
Numbers 7 is all about offerings and giving by the leaders of Israel (specifying their names and the tribes) and then we go to the lampstand in Numbers 8:1-4 and then the rest of 8 is about the consecration of the Levites.
Entire chapter 7 is about giving. After lampstand, consecration of the Levites, it shows that all my giving needs to be given in the light of the sanctuary. The light of the lampstand shows my real motives. Am I serving for gain, to be noticed of men, for my own gratification or is it for the center shaft, Jesus Christ? It must be for Jesus alone.
REMEMBER
1 John 4:16-19
16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.
Jesus loved all the twelve, but John KNEW it. He spoke of himself as the one that Jesus loved. My self-esteem can then be based on this ALONE. When I boast of the Lord's love for me, I will always be used of the Lord MIGHTILY! The son of God who loved me gave Himself for me. Knowledge of this - a true KNOWING - empowers me to withstand temptation, to live victoriously.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
JESUS LOVES ME!
It is hard to receive from the Lord if I am full of wrong believing.
Walk in truth not in fear.
Here are some great truths:
John 1:17
English Standard Version
17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and TRUTH came through Jesus Christ.
He is willing to use HIS power on me. He does it because HE is good.
Under law NO ONE EVER GOT HEALED OF LEPROSY.
And even if they had been healed, they would have needed to go through a ritual of cleansing (that is a picture of the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ). Jesus told the leper that he was CLEANSED. As King, He healed him. As Priest, He cleansed him. The King uses His decree to save, to heal, to deliver. That's why I worship Him, that's why I LOVE HIM as my KING PRIEST!
Deuteronomy 34:7: Moses was 120 years old when he died. His eye was undimmed, and his vigor unabated. Hebrews 11:27: By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible,.i.e., by SEEING GOD. Moses endured (in Greek - CONTINUED STRONG).
Practice the Presence of God. REJOICE IN HIM. BE CONTINUOUSLY IN THANKSGIVING. By doing so, the stronger I will become - just like Moses.
Be grateful that He is my shepherd. That I shall not be in want.
The best way to fight the enemy is to eat the bread of life - to feed at the feet of Jesus. Bread is any teaching - systematic exposition of the doctrines of the Bible - expounding on Christ. Fish represents the practical application of truth. Egg is something that you meditate on, brood over it like a mother hen, and then it will birth life in me.
Numbers 7:89 - 8:4
Message from the Holy of Holies: Everything I do is to bring glory and honor to the Lord Jesus Christ!
When I do: POWER comes into my life. Remember Acts 3:6-16
But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” 7 And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. 8 And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. 9 And all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. 11 While he clung to Peter and John, all the people, utterly astounded, ran together to them in the portico called Solomon's. 12 And when Peter saw it he addressed the people: “Men of Israel, why do you wonder at this, or why do you stare at us, as though by our own power or piety we have made him walk? 13 The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, the God of our fathers, glorified his servant[b] Jesus, whom you delivered over and denied in the presence of Pilate, when he had decided to release him.14 But you denied the Holy and Righteous One, and asked for a murderer to be granted to you, 15 and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses. 16 And his name—by faith in his name—has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus[c] has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all.
When I am burned out, depressed, Jesus lifts me up. He is always raising people up, even today at the right hand of the Father. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He lifts up and wraps me around the trellis (a picture of the cross) and I grow again around it. Value the word of God, eat His bread, and I will be lit up! He will not hide me. I will be set on the lampstand so that EVERYONE can behold His glory.
Ministry of the lampstand is from evening until morning - so in the darkest times of my life, the Lord will shine His light brightly. The enemy's single objective is for me to take my eyes off the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm never stronger, healthier, more prosperous than when I am looking on Jesus, the one who is altogether lovely.
Numbers 7 is all about offerings and giving by the leaders of Israel (specifying their names and the tribes) and then we go to the lampstand in Numbers 8:1-4 and then the rest of 8 is about the consecration of the Levites.
Entire chapter 7 is about giving. After lampstand, consecration of the Levites, it shows that all my giving needs to be given in the light of the sanctuary. The light of the lampstand shows my real motives. Am I serving for gain, to be noticed of men, for my own gratification or is it for the center shaft, Jesus Christ? It must be for Jesus alone.
REMEMBER
1 John 4:16-19
16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.
Jesus loved all the twelve, but John KNEW it. He spoke of himself as the one that Jesus loved. My self-esteem can then be based on this ALONE. When I boast of the Lord's love for me, I will always be used of the Lord MIGHTILY! The son of God who loved me gave Himself for me. Knowledge of this - a true KNOWING - empowers me to withstand temptation, to live victoriously.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
JESUS LOVES ME!
All things are new
See Jesus do a new thing.
This was in my Joseph Prince devotion this morning (yes, again, more Joseph). It was uncanny because the Meditations devotion that I had just read discussed a similar truth, i.e., how when Jesus returns, the God of the Universe will make ALL THINGS NEW:
Jesus is making all things new. I believe even now He is making all things new.
And then my Christine Caine devotion took the newness to a deeper level in terms of renewing our minds:
I'm ever starting over again. Wanting things to be new. Day to day. Week to week. And yet, much of the same pattern of behavior, same thoughts, same actions, same ole same ole stare me in the face. However, He is making things new, despite how it appears. I'm not quite what I was yesterday, last week, last year and definitely not 10 years ago. If there is a lack of diligence in activating change, well, I'm no longer gonna beat myself up about that. I'm resting. And in my rest there is diligence and peace and guidance. He puts out His hand for me to take it and to follow, similar to how much I used to love when Joel would walk in front of me and put his hand out from behind so that I would take it. And then I would follow as he led, in perfect peace, harmony, and to be honest, in a sort of quiet ecstasy. There was something so nice, sensual and powerful in that very little act. If a mere man can do that - and I was just following him through a book store or in the parking lot to our vehicle, how much more gratifying and safe and peaceful and perfect the leadership of the Lord as He guides me to where He needs me to be, when I need to be there. How awesome is His ability to transform and renew me by the renewing and re-molding of my mind. How awesome. I'm resting. No more striving. Resting. Resting and Believing.
If there is any work to do, it is this:
This was in my Joseph Prince devotion this morning (yes, again, more Joseph). It was uncanny because the Meditations devotion that I had just read discussed a similar truth, i.e., how when Jesus returns, the God of the Universe will make ALL THINGS NEW:
Revelation 21:5
Living Bible
5 And the one sitting on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true:
And then my Christine Caine devotion took the newness to a deeper level in terms of renewing our minds:
Romans 12:2
J.B. Phillips New Testament
We have seen God’s mercy and wisdom: how shall we respond?
12 1-2 With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to him and acceptable by him. Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold, but let God re-mold (renew) your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all his demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity.
If there is any work to do, it is this:
John 6:28-29
Amplified Bible
28 They then said, What are we to do, that we may [habitually] be working the works of God? [What are we to do to carry out what God requires?]
29 Jesus replied, This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger].
Cleave to...Trust...Rely on...Have Faith in JESUS!
Sounds so easy, but it really is quite difficult. I've yet to successfully do it. Nonetheless, I am making it my mission to do so now. NOW. Even if the Lord has a job for me - even this most excellent job with Galvan Foundation (which I am believing to be mine) - I can rest in that role, i.e., cleaving to, trusting, relying on, and believing in Jesus to do the job through me - with JOY and not DREAD (as I did with the technical work at IBM). But I'm resting - resting - resting and I will rest without reproach, but rejoicing.
It's so interesting how this has come about, but I'm now seeing the beauty of my season out of work. How awesome it truly is and how refreshing to my soul. It was difficult achieving that last year. So much was going on. The Lord has blessed me with 2014. In this new year, truly NEW things are popping up all around me. Blessings abound. Even today, I was concerned about where to park in my new favorite place in NJ, downtown Somerville, and the Lord led me to park in a spot that has a broken meter! I was planning to run out every hour in the freezing cold to throw a couple of quarters in the meter but that is now not necessary. So, I rest here in "The Dragonfly" coffee shop, on one of their cute couches, blogging, meditating, fellow-shipping through the written word with my God.
Continue to refresh me Lord in this way so that I can be refreshing to Jonathan, my parents, my family as a whole, my friends - to all that I come near. Refresh me through and through - renewing me by this refreshing so that the Glory and Wonder of You seeps through my very being and splashes those around me. Let there be an inexplicable light about me. Let the places where I sit and wonder into and out of be lit with your power as it pours out of me. And increase the brightness and wonder of that light each day going forth. Renew me in my mind, in my spirit and my body. Renew me Lord. Renew my dreams and aspirations and set me free from anything old and damaging. Renew me for motherhood and wifehood and daughterhood and sisterhood. Renew me Lord.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Faith - Faith - and more - FAITH
More great teaching from Joseph Prince on faith.
Romans 10:5-13
Believe and Speak
Mark 11
Have the God kind of faith:
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Doing and speaking are antithesis to each other.
Doing is not of faith.
Do not perform to get a blessing.
As long as I am doing or performing, the enemy is winning.
As long as I am believing and speaking, the enemy is loosing.
The higher I go up in rank, the more I speak, the less that I do (for example, a CEO).
I am seated on Christ's throne. I am a King & a Priest.
Whatever I desire, be believing that I am receiving and it will be mine.
God doesn't wait for me to be perfect to use my faith. For example, Elijah (James 5-17-18): "Elijah was a man like affected as we, and with prayer he did pray -- not to rain, and it did not rain upon the land three years and six months; and again he did pray, and the heaven did give rain, and the land did bring forth her fruit."
The enemy is afraid that I will act like who I am - a KING & A PRIEST! He doesn't care about all my charitable acts, all my service, all the money that I give away. He cares that I KNOW WHO I AM IN CHRIST.
*************************************
I truly have to learn how to do this - to live this out. In my heart, speaking and writing are one in the same. I speak clearest when I write. So, on this, the 28th day of January, in the year 2014, I will speak these desires, believing that I am receiving each one and that they will be mine, in the mighty and precious name of JESUS!
Praise you Father for your favor upon me and the fulfillment of your promise to add to me another son in my 48th year!
Praise you Father that I am blessed and highly favored and that every promise prayed over Jonathan's life shall come to pass!
Praise you Abba Daddy that my family is whole, healthy, and at peace with one another.
Praise you Daddy that my brother is walking in sobriety and that he and His whole household are saved and in continuous fellowship with you and other's who love you.
Praise you Abba Daddy that I am in the best physical condition and shape of my entire life and that all excess weight has been loss FOREVER.
Praise you Jesus for my life partner and for putting each of us in the right place at the right time to meet one another, to know one another, and to come into agreement with You to walk forward in life as husband and wife.
Praise you Jesus that my husband loves Jonathan as his very own.
Thank you Lord God my father that you enable me to walk in the fullness of my vocation which is marriage and family, ever dependent upon you to carry out my daily activities.
Thank you Lord God for joy unspeakable!
Thank you Lord God for prosperity in my finances and that there is abundant surplus to be used for the spread of the gospel through the support of missions and ministries devoted to this cause.
Thank you my Father for FAITH and for YOUR SON who is for me salvation, grace, favor, goodness, power, love, joy, mercy - all that I NEED!
AMEN!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Waiting on God
It's funny. I find that the Lord tends to answer my quiet, effortless prayers with a quickness that dumbfounds me. The heartfelt, digging my nails in the ground prayers -- I tend to wait, and wait, and wait. I think sometimes the quiet ones are the ones where I'm utterly inline with His will or utterly and completely out of line - so the answer comes fast -- or maybe just sometimes He knows how weary I am and how desperate I am for a word from Him - so He responds. I don't know. It's just amazing when it happens.
I continue to struggle with this word from Him that was so clear to me but so hard to accept: That my vocation is marriage and family. I can't seem to shake the doubt that what I heard was what I heard. Maybe it's just in my head. Maybe I made it up. It just doesn't make sense. I have a son to care for and elderly parents to look after and support. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. However, the Lord confirmed to me in a supernatural way that it would be okay to leave IBM - that indeed I should - to cast my net out into the deep and I will bring in a big haul. So I did, and then crazy 2013 happened. But early 2013, the Lord spoke to my heart this mission for my life beyond IBM and yet, I can not hold fast to it with the faith and trust that I need to. I continue to struggle with attempts to find a job, worried about if marriage is even for me and if it truly is - whether or not I really want it - that I am doing such a sub-par job right now being a mom and daughter, i can't see how this could at all be a viable vocation for me. It doesn't make sense.
And then I remember Joan Ball and her words that the Lord never gives us a job to do that we are prepared, trained for - look at Noah, Abraham, Gideon, Moses, the Disciples - most of the people in the Bible who went on to do great things to His glory and honor. All imperfect, all untrained, all unprepared.
So, I am that person. Wholly dependent upon my Father to make a way out of no way. To parent Jonathan, to care for and support my parents, to eventually be someone's help meet. Crazy, but so God. So His way. And I have to let Him do it all. I have to take my hands off it and let Him lead me and guide me through these responsibilities and to wait for those that have not come to pass yet. I have to trust that His word is true - that what He spoke to me is true.
Yesterday, Pastor Stanley preached on obeying what God tells you to do, regardless of how much sense it makes to you or anyone else. Obey God and leave the consequences to Him.
My Meditations devotion spoke about not being stubborn like Baalam, who did not want to do what the Lord told Him to do and almost got himself killed in his rebellion, if not for the supernatural intervention of God through a talking Donkey to get him to act right.
And then last night, I quietly asked the Lord once again: Did I hear you right? I mean, I do believe that you spoke to me - and that you gave me scripture confirmation in Hebrews and Habakkuk, but, you know, you usually confirm stuff to me via scripture AND a devotion.
And I left it at that.
So, this morning, my Redemptive Pursuit devotion has this title: Waiting on God. And lo and behold, what is the scripture that the devotion is based on? None other than the scripture the Lord gave me a few months ago when I asked him then, again, to confirm to me if what I heard is what I heard (and me also inquiring if said future husband is what's his name - sigh).
The scripture:
For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.
- Habakkuk 2:3 (NASB)
So, there it is in black & white - my devotion confirmation. So, there it is in front of me, Kim. Will you now let go and let God? Wait on Him. Let Him do His thing. Forget about what other people think - whether you look like a lazy good for nothing. Don't worry about how much money you have or will have. Just wait on God. He will take care of you and Jonathan. He will. In the meantime, do what your heart is crying out for - DRAW NEAR TO HIM. DRINK FROM HIS FULLNESS and be restored, equipped, readied for all that He has for you in the years, decades ahead. Let Him renew you from the inside out. He is preparing you and He will not tarry. What is coming will not delay. It certainly is coming.
Wait on the Lord.
I continue to struggle with this word from Him that was so clear to me but so hard to accept: That my vocation is marriage and family. I can't seem to shake the doubt that what I heard was what I heard. Maybe it's just in my head. Maybe I made it up. It just doesn't make sense. I have a son to care for and elderly parents to look after and support. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. However, the Lord confirmed to me in a supernatural way that it would be okay to leave IBM - that indeed I should - to cast my net out into the deep and I will bring in a big haul. So I did, and then crazy 2013 happened. But early 2013, the Lord spoke to my heart this mission for my life beyond IBM and yet, I can not hold fast to it with the faith and trust that I need to. I continue to struggle with attempts to find a job, worried about if marriage is even for me and if it truly is - whether or not I really want it - that I am doing such a sub-par job right now being a mom and daughter, i can't see how this could at all be a viable vocation for me. It doesn't make sense.
And then I remember Joan Ball and her words that the Lord never gives us a job to do that we are prepared, trained for - look at Noah, Abraham, Gideon, Moses, the Disciples - most of the people in the Bible who went on to do great things to His glory and honor. All imperfect, all untrained, all unprepared.
So, I am that person. Wholly dependent upon my Father to make a way out of no way. To parent Jonathan, to care for and support my parents, to eventually be someone's help meet. Crazy, but so God. So His way. And I have to let Him do it all. I have to take my hands off it and let Him lead me and guide me through these responsibilities and to wait for those that have not come to pass yet. I have to trust that His word is true - that what He spoke to me is true.
Yesterday, Pastor Stanley preached on obeying what God tells you to do, regardless of how much sense it makes to you or anyone else. Obey God and leave the consequences to Him.
My Meditations devotion spoke about not being stubborn like Baalam, who did not want to do what the Lord told Him to do and almost got himself killed in his rebellion, if not for the supernatural intervention of God through a talking Donkey to get him to act right.
And then last night, I quietly asked the Lord once again: Did I hear you right? I mean, I do believe that you spoke to me - and that you gave me scripture confirmation in Hebrews and Habakkuk, but, you know, you usually confirm stuff to me via scripture AND a devotion.
And I left it at that.
So, this morning, my Redemptive Pursuit devotion has this title: Waiting on God. And lo and behold, what is the scripture that the devotion is based on? None other than the scripture the Lord gave me a few months ago when I asked him then, again, to confirm to me if what I heard is what I heard (and me also inquiring if said future husband is what's his name - sigh).
The scripture:
For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.
- Habakkuk 2:3 (NASB)
So, there it is in black & white - my devotion confirmation. So, there it is in front of me, Kim. Will you now let go and let God? Wait on Him. Let Him do His thing. Forget about what other people think - whether you look like a lazy good for nothing. Don't worry about how much money you have or will have. Just wait on God. He will take care of you and Jonathan. He will. In the meantime, do what your heart is crying out for - DRAW NEAR TO HIM. DRINK FROM HIS FULLNESS and be restored, equipped, readied for all that He has for you in the years, decades ahead. Let Him renew you from the inside out. He is preparing you and He will not tarry. What is coming will not delay. It certainly is coming.
Wait on the Lord.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
God's Provision - JESUS IS THE ONLY WAY
Listening to a wonderful teaching by Joseph Prince about God's Provision. He's using the Feeding of the 5000 as his text and it is eye-opening (John 6). I just love how the Lord has taught him to break open the word and reveal deeper truths. Truly marvelous and life-changing. Some great points:
- Why do you think the Holy Spirit shined a focus on Andrew and Phillips's lack of faith? When the miracle happened it shows that God gives His blessings to those who are undeserving.
- God will supply all of my needs not according to the poverty of my faith but according to the riches of His grace.
- Look at Jesus - don't look at my limited funds or the greatness of my need.
- See Jesus in His glory, grace, His love and power and He will see my faith! Look to JESUS FOR EVERYTHING! JESUS ALONE HEALS, JESUS ALONE PROVIDES! JESUS ALONE!
- Andrew & Phillip are pictures of me.
- When I am sick and I look at JESUS ALONE - something happens at the root of that illness - that disease's very root. Children of Israel found healing by looking at the bronze snake - which is a picture of Jesus on the Cross.
- There is LIFE IN ONE LOOK. Look to JESUS! Ignore the devil saying that something is happening - either for me or in me.
- Jesus does not condemn Phillip or Andrew. He supplies according to the riches of His grace.
- You don't have to be smart to follow Jesus. Only God can give wisdom. Wisdom does not depend on IQ.
- If I want Jesus to provide me with His supply - whatever it is:
- SIT DOWN (Jesus told the disciples to make the people sit down - and they sat down in orderly fashion). Rest in Him. Trust in Him. Spend time with Him. Isaiah 30:15 "In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength". It takes time to rest. Whatever time I give to the Lord is NEVER wasted time. He will multiply it back to me. 1 Peter 3 - a woman with quiet spirit, in God's eyes, is very precious. Put down that spirit of haste that is in me - that controls me. Psalm 91 - with long life God satisfies. On the cross, God took what the enemy doesn't want us to have (long life, marriage, children) so that we can have it. Verse 1 - He who dwells (SITS DOWN) in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow of the almighty. Hard to protect a child when it is running around. God will tell me to do the natural - and He will do the supernatural. God supplies all the time. For example, electricity is running in the house but lights won't turn on if you don't plug them in or turn on the switch. PLUG INTO HIS POWER! He made them sit in groups of 100's and 50's. When Israel came out of Egypt they came out in groups of 50. 50 is a picture of 5 - an order of grace. God re-positions us - we are high, sitting in the heavenly places with Christ Jesus - who is at the right hand of God. 5 loaves (grace again). Men 5000 (grace again).
- THANK GOD FOR THE LITTLE (Jesus gave thanks for the 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread). This pleases God most of all. God never despises that which is small. He uses them for His glory. Cannot look to the Lord without the favor of God coming on me. Broke bread (broke one time in the Greek) and gave (a continuous action of giving) to disciples to give out. One act of Jesus body broken on the cross - the blessings from that one act NEVER stops! And He gives as much as we want it (they gave to the people as much as they wanted). God does not give with a stingy hand. Fathomless grace and goodness of the Lord. The supply is always greater than the need. Don't limit God. The 5000 ate till they were filled and still there was 12 baskets full left over. Whatever I divide for his Glory is multiplied back to me. Whatever I subtract from my life for His sake is added back to me. His math is addition by subtraction and multiplication by division. Why the 12 baskets? It's a beautiful picture of the 12 tribes of Israel - after we are blessed (Gentiles) - the overflow will bless the Jews. Like Ruth - the Gentile church - after she ate at Boaz's table (Boaz is a picture of Jesus), she took the leftovers to Naomi (the picture of Israel).
- This story is in all three synoptic gospels
- Priests typically were concerned with fault-finding. However, once Jesus came on the scene, there was an influx of people reporting healings - the removal of faults.
- As Jesus was teaching, His power kept flowing and pressing upon the people to heal them, which includes everyone in the room, including the religious pharisees.
- Jesus wants to be in the center of my life - when that happens, than the circumference is blessed. Everything comes to its fullness - its fruition.
- Son of God became the Son of Man so that all the son's of men could become the Son of God.
- Jesus will always cause me to be the head and not the tail - cause me to dominate and not be dominated by circumstances.
- Unlike the OT, the NT demonstrates God in our midst - to dwell in us and among us. Religious people don't like this. Pharisees wanted God to stay in heaven cause if He is down here, what do they do - they were concerned about their position. They want to keep God and people separate, making their ministry necessary.
- I am transformed by God and His spirit - that is true change. I must behold the glory of God - that is Jesus - full of grace & truth. FAITH IS BRINGING MY EMPTINESS TO HIS FULLNESS!
- He came to be used (remember the woman at the well, who came to him in great thirst and the woman with the issue of blood). Jesus is refreshed by my need - HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED! HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED! HE IS REFRESHED BY MY NEED!!
- SEE HIM AS THE ANSWER TO MY EVERY NEED!
- DRAW FROM HIS FULLNESS - BE CONFIDENT IN HIS LOVE - IN HIS GOODNESS!
- ONE THING IS NEEDFUL: TO SEE HIS FULLNESS EVERY DAY AND TO DRAW FROM HIM.
- Bartimeus discerned Jesus' fullness even when the Disciples did not.
- Call Jesus is fine enough - that is intimate.
- In old testament prophecy directs the believer. In the NT, prophecy confirms what the Spirit has already spoken to the believer.
- Whenever I put my trust in his grace, I will dwell in the valley of blessings. I might see hard times like Jehoshaphat, but I won't have to fight the battle - GOD WILL! Just praise Him for His grace that endures always!
- God is waiting for me to bring my emptiness to Him.
- The days of do, do, do, do are over. IT IS FINISHED!
- How do I say thank you to the Lord? TAKE MORE FROM HIS FULLNESS!
Friday, January 10, 2014
A new year. Confused as usual...
Well, the point of leaving IBM almost a year ago was to discover my true calling - which at the time I thought was to become a PhD in Organizational Management, and spend the rest of my life reading, researching, writing and teaching. That dream got debunked with the last rejection letter from Rutgers in March. I licked my wounds and hoped to at least salvage the year with more concentrated time with Jonathan and me time figuring out what to do next, through the leadership of Christ. After all, I would have time during the day to seek him in a deeper way and to seek this calling thing. However, other plans prevailed - namely, my father falling out of his bed on May 14, 2013, and pretty much the rest of 2013 beyond his fall being about the work of dealing with the ramifications of his injury.
Then there was also negotiating Jonathan's early intervention. Figuring out his preschool. Confronting premenapausal symptoms that added to my environmental stress. And just an all out despondency because what I had hoped for in my "sabbatical year" simply didn't turn out as I expected.
However, I wrote about this in an older post, so I'm not gonna go into it again here. Leave it to say that despite things not working out as I hoped, because God is sovereign, they clearly worked out as He expected and to His glory and I guess to all of our good. Yes, to all of our good. Let me be affirmative about that. God doesn't like a doubting person.
And that was pretty sarcastic. Forgive me Lord. I'm just a bit - ugh - right now. I've started the new year off on a 21 day fast with Lolita and 3 of her girlfriends, and I guess soon to be acquaintances/friends to me, as well, and other than the enemy not liking it much and attacking all of us in weird ways (for ex., both Lolita and my family went without heat the coldest night of the winter so far), I'm not seeing much in answered prayer. I believe things are gonna come to pass, but the number one thing on my list - a fulfilling job - doesn't seem to coming to pass fast enough for me. However, to think I can rush God is a real laugh fest. I find the more I want something, the slower it seems to arrive.
I just want clarity. Or at least power behind my declarations of what I believe in my heart to be the next thing.
For example, Heather, one of the women on the fast, is currently a successful DA in NYC. Now, her family went through some divorce trauma when she was in college, I believe, and thus, maybe the Lord's favor is a bit denser on her behalf and quicker to be manifest because of it. I just know that Heather, her mom and sister have all hit the lottery when it comes to career satisfaction.
Heather got an undergraduate degree in English and was languishing in a post-undergrad job at Pitney-Bowes. A job she got cause her older sister already worked there. She hated the work, but had no idea what she was gonna do with her English degree. She determined more schooling might be the answer, but what. She didn't want a PhD in English - had no desire to take the GRE subject exam for such an undertaking. And she had pretty much exhausted hitting the deadline for taking a humanities GRE exam because it was like October or November when she decided to pursue additional studies. She wanted to be able to start a program the next fall. The one exam that still had a slot for a December test was the LSATs. She had never though about going to Law School. Had no desire to do so, but she thought, what the heck. Let me sign up and take the exam and see what happens.
So, she submits the application for the exam right on time. Gets a Princeton Review or Kapalan study book. Goes through the study guide briefly and takes some practice exams. She then takes the exam.
From what I recall, before she even gets the scores back and possibly before she even takes the exam, she reisgns from Pitney Bowes and declares "I'm going to Harvard Law School". A lot of moxy, right?
Well, it turns out that she completely aces the LSAT, testing at like the 98th percentile! She only knows about Harvard and Yale. So she applies there. Then she considers schools in towns where she has good friends, like Georgetown in Washington, DC. No, I am not making this up.
Finally, acceptance letters come around and lo and behold, she indeed gets accepted to Harvard.
She accepts.
She excels there.
She goes into corporate law but hates it. Mainly she hates the politics and some of the nasty people she had to work with and for. So, she starts looking elsewhere, while suffering for another year at the corporate gig.
The Lord eventually blesses her with her current DA position, which she absolutely loves. All is good.
Heather's sister: Married to a wealthy European bodyguard to the rich and famous. Have a beautiful daughter. Live in London with a summer home in Turkey. Sister is an entertainment journalist. You can see her on E Television.
Heather's mom: After a grueling separation and divorce, and not having worked in many years because she had been a homemaker and wife of a pastor, moved to NYC to be close to her daughters. They connected her with a headhunter, after I assume crafting a remarkable resume for her based on all that she accomplished as a wife and mother (you can create a great resume based on the myriad of duties and activities - especially as a pastor's wife - that you are responsible for, even if you don't have a traditional 9-5 job), and they secure her a receptionist position at a boutique law firm in the city. Heather's mom's poise and elegance also served her well in such a position. She has no technical skills whatsoever. Does not even know how to use the computer, but does quite well. She's able to parlay that into a job at a bigger law firm and eventually retires from there as the head office manager, with many of the employees absolutely enamored of her.
I would prefer to not have gone through the pain they all suffered before the favor of God fell on them in such tremendous ways, but that is what leaves me wondering: Do you have to go through trauma before the Lord does the absolutely impossible, improbable in your life?
Last year was traumatic for me. The extra 20 lbs on my body - the aches - the lines and age on my face - all attest to that. The strain that I experienced and am still struggling to unload on God, for He asks us to do that - cast our burdens on Him - was and is sometimes unbearable. And yet, my confusion still exists. My declarations for change, for dreams to be fulfilled - well, they fall out into the netherworld, never to become reality.
Why?
Lord, I simply want a job. Give me a job. A job where I don't dread going on Monday and almost don't want to leave on Friday or any day of the work week. A job that fits me. Heather had no idea law would fit her. But it did. I refuse to believe that it's all coincidence. In my heart of hearts it was providential. All lined up timing wise for her to take the LSAT as you designed. Her score was provided through the gifts of intelligence that you gave her. The declaration to attend Harvard Law was placed in her mouth by the Holy Spirit. The acceptance to Harvard was your response to her utterance of faith.
Can you not do the same for me?
Yes, you can.
So, Lord - place in my mouth the declaration of faith. What should I be declaring to do that is so improbable that unless you bring it to pass it just ain't going to happen. What specific skills, talents do I have, maybe even untapped, will enable me to excel and enjoy the work. What is it?
If this marriage and family vocation thing is it - well, Lord, I'm having a hard time seeing it. I'm not experiencing a whole helluva a lot of pleasure dealing with my mother and father, feel like a failure most of the time caring for Jonathan, and though I'm happy about being more connected to Brandon, don't really want to be toooo connected.
Heather, her sister and her mom at least experience (or experienced, in her mom's instance) pleasure in their work. Can I not also be blessed with the same in the vocation you give me? If it is this marriage and family thing, then Lord give me joy in it. Let me wake up excited to do what I need to do in it, go to sleep content about it, and not wanting it to really end. I can be exhausted by the effort and time, but not depleted, discouraged, and despondent. You can enable me to be at once exhausted by all that I have to do, and energized in the doing. That is possible in Christ, who is my righteousness. Who was never weary in caring for others and was always compassionate, willing to extend Himself more and more - even unto the Cross.
Help me Lord to get there.
I'm so, so tired of the confusion.
Then there was also negotiating Jonathan's early intervention. Figuring out his preschool. Confronting premenapausal symptoms that added to my environmental stress. And just an all out despondency because what I had hoped for in my "sabbatical year" simply didn't turn out as I expected.
However, I wrote about this in an older post, so I'm not gonna go into it again here. Leave it to say that despite things not working out as I hoped, because God is sovereign, they clearly worked out as He expected and to His glory and I guess to all of our good. Yes, to all of our good. Let me be affirmative about that. God doesn't like a doubting person.
And that was pretty sarcastic. Forgive me Lord. I'm just a bit - ugh - right now. I've started the new year off on a 21 day fast with Lolita and 3 of her girlfriends, and I guess soon to be acquaintances/friends to me, as well, and other than the enemy not liking it much and attacking all of us in weird ways (for ex., both Lolita and my family went without heat the coldest night of the winter so far), I'm not seeing much in answered prayer. I believe things are gonna come to pass, but the number one thing on my list - a fulfilling job - doesn't seem to coming to pass fast enough for me. However, to think I can rush God is a real laugh fest. I find the more I want something, the slower it seems to arrive.
I just want clarity. Or at least power behind my declarations of what I believe in my heart to be the next thing.
For example, Heather, one of the women on the fast, is currently a successful DA in NYC. Now, her family went through some divorce trauma when she was in college, I believe, and thus, maybe the Lord's favor is a bit denser on her behalf and quicker to be manifest because of it. I just know that Heather, her mom and sister have all hit the lottery when it comes to career satisfaction.
Heather got an undergraduate degree in English and was languishing in a post-undergrad job at Pitney-Bowes. A job she got cause her older sister already worked there. She hated the work, but had no idea what she was gonna do with her English degree. She determined more schooling might be the answer, but what. She didn't want a PhD in English - had no desire to take the GRE subject exam for such an undertaking. And she had pretty much exhausted hitting the deadline for taking a humanities GRE exam because it was like October or November when she decided to pursue additional studies. She wanted to be able to start a program the next fall. The one exam that still had a slot for a December test was the LSATs. She had never though about going to Law School. Had no desire to do so, but she thought, what the heck. Let me sign up and take the exam and see what happens.
So, she submits the application for the exam right on time. Gets a Princeton Review or Kapalan study book. Goes through the study guide briefly and takes some practice exams. She then takes the exam.
From what I recall, before she even gets the scores back and possibly before she even takes the exam, she reisgns from Pitney Bowes and declares "I'm going to Harvard Law School". A lot of moxy, right?
Well, it turns out that she completely aces the LSAT, testing at like the 98th percentile! She only knows about Harvard and Yale. So she applies there. Then she considers schools in towns where she has good friends, like Georgetown in Washington, DC. No, I am not making this up.
Finally, acceptance letters come around and lo and behold, she indeed gets accepted to Harvard.
She accepts.
She excels there.
She goes into corporate law but hates it. Mainly she hates the politics and some of the nasty people she had to work with and for. So, she starts looking elsewhere, while suffering for another year at the corporate gig.
The Lord eventually blesses her with her current DA position, which she absolutely loves. All is good.
Heather's sister: Married to a wealthy European bodyguard to the rich and famous. Have a beautiful daughter. Live in London with a summer home in Turkey. Sister is an entertainment journalist. You can see her on E Television.
Heather's mom: After a grueling separation and divorce, and not having worked in many years because she had been a homemaker and wife of a pastor, moved to NYC to be close to her daughters. They connected her with a headhunter, after I assume crafting a remarkable resume for her based on all that she accomplished as a wife and mother (you can create a great resume based on the myriad of duties and activities - especially as a pastor's wife - that you are responsible for, even if you don't have a traditional 9-5 job), and they secure her a receptionist position at a boutique law firm in the city. Heather's mom's poise and elegance also served her well in such a position. She has no technical skills whatsoever. Does not even know how to use the computer, but does quite well. She's able to parlay that into a job at a bigger law firm and eventually retires from there as the head office manager, with many of the employees absolutely enamored of her.
I would prefer to not have gone through the pain they all suffered before the favor of God fell on them in such tremendous ways, but that is what leaves me wondering: Do you have to go through trauma before the Lord does the absolutely impossible, improbable in your life?
Last year was traumatic for me. The extra 20 lbs on my body - the aches - the lines and age on my face - all attest to that. The strain that I experienced and am still struggling to unload on God, for He asks us to do that - cast our burdens on Him - was and is sometimes unbearable. And yet, my confusion still exists. My declarations for change, for dreams to be fulfilled - well, they fall out into the netherworld, never to become reality.
Why?
Lord, I simply want a job. Give me a job. A job where I don't dread going on Monday and almost don't want to leave on Friday or any day of the work week. A job that fits me. Heather had no idea law would fit her. But it did. I refuse to believe that it's all coincidence. In my heart of hearts it was providential. All lined up timing wise for her to take the LSAT as you designed. Her score was provided through the gifts of intelligence that you gave her. The declaration to attend Harvard Law was placed in her mouth by the Holy Spirit. The acceptance to Harvard was your response to her utterance of faith.
Can you not do the same for me?
Yes, you can.
So, Lord - place in my mouth the declaration of faith. What should I be declaring to do that is so improbable that unless you bring it to pass it just ain't going to happen. What specific skills, talents do I have, maybe even untapped, will enable me to excel and enjoy the work. What is it?
If this marriage and family vocation thing is it - well, Lord, I'm having a hard time seeing it. I'm not experiencing a whole helluva a lot of pleasure dealing with my mother and father, feel like a failure most of the time caring for Jonathan, and though I'm happy about being more connected to Brandon, don't really want to be toooo connected.
Heather, her sister and her mom at least experience (or experienced, in her mom's instance) pleasure in their work. Can I not also be blessed with the same in the vocation you give me? If it is this marriage and family thing, then Lord give me joy in it. Let me wake up excited to do what I need to do in it, go to sleep content about it, and not wanting it to really end. I can be exhausted by the effort and time, but not depleted, discouraged, and despondent. You can enable me to be at once exhausted by all that I have to do, and energized in the doing. That is possible in Christ, who is my righteousness. Who was never weary in caring for others and was always compassionate, willing to extend Himself more and more - even unto the Cross.
Help me Lord to get there.
I'm so, so tired of the confusion.
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