I'm so grateful to my God. He continuously puts up with fickle me. I'm doing all I can to hold on to my profession of hope and faith regarding Sol and a future that I can envision will be rich with the goodness and power of our Lord and Savior - through all the ups & downs we are sure to encounter.
And yet...
Kay
He still lingers in my thoughts...and yes: my heart.
Why can't I shake him?
I'm doing my best to cast down ALL imaginations concerning him and take every thought about him to the obedience of Jesus Christ, i.e., what I didn't do, what I could've done, why the Lord allowed him to be the father of my blessed child and not someone who was truly available to build a life with...should I have not been so rigid? should I have continued in the relationship as it was? and on and on.
I keep comparing our situation to other folks where things weren't perfect -- or the woman and man are clearly very sold out for Christ and live out their faith in the way they treat others -- yet, they were clearly sexually intimate before marriage -2 couples in fact getting pregnant, but losing the child before they walked down the aisle -- and I'm certain the Lord will now bless each marriage with a lovely and healthy child. Yet, I could not continue sexually with Kay -- I could not get past the fact that he was still married. I could not get past it.
The week before Christmas, on a Thursday, in the wee morning hours, I had several dreams about Kay. All quite psychologically traumatic. All indicative of his unavailability to me in a true relationship where we can grow in understanding of one another - both single individuals under Christ - with our unique baggage, yet, not legally attached to anyone else.
Strangely he texted me that next morning asking that I give him a call when I got a chance. I gathered my nerve, still reeling a bit from the dreams, and called him. I related to him the fact that I had dreamed about him and that they weren't the most positive dreams, either. He chuckled saying it's because I have negative thoughts about him. We went onto another subject - Jonathan's Christmas gifts - and ended the convo after that.
A couple of hours later - on his busy Thursday - he took time to send me a text saying: "Your fears are only in your dreams. Think positively and we could have a wonderful life together."
I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say and felt in my spirit I shouldn't say anything, so I left the text stand by itself - festering in my iPhone message trail with Kay.
I've yet to speak about it. However, in the wake of my non-response, he shut down. I guess that was his last olive branch. Maybe if I had reached for it and said what I really wanted to: "That's what I hope for, too, Kay -- I love you so much and I want to build a wonderful life with you." things would be different. Yet, is that "wonderful life" a life with him still married? Yes, I'm pretty sure that IS what he meant. And that is the reason why I walked away back in July. It's terms like that for which I simply can't abide.
So, I hope now for a "new thing" with Sol. Kay is the "old has passed" -- or the "old is passing...slowly, slowly passing". Sol is the new that is coming, coming --- please, oh, please come! Lord, use Sol and I to erase all that came before in our lives!
The Lord answered my prayer about erasing all that my life was as a childless, single woman before Jonathan....all that free time by myself I was so afraid to give up. I honestly don't remember it or why I was so fond of it. Time with Jonathan is far more richer and fulfilling than any "me time" I ever experienced before him. It can be frustrating, and I can lose my cool and see my sin so fiercely before me when I get upset with him (his stubbornness and rambunctiousness - whew!) - but still, I take all of that as well and it still is better than anything I did by myself before Jonathan. The Lord completely dismantled my old life and I have no desire for it again.
So, I know He can move in the same powerful way with my meeting with Sol. That He can pour out his power on our introduction so that all romantic relationships that we've experienced before our intro will seem like a vapor -- mere, fuzzy memories -- and not anything that we would desire now.
BUT -- Even MORE than Sol, I can, in the days going forward, spend time getting more and more acquainted with my Father and who I am in Christ, making those endeavors the supremely MOST fulfilling part of my life -- not Jonathan, Sol, vocation, calling, whatever -- JESUS, MY Mighty, Magnificent, Perfect, Loving, AWESOME, Powerful, MERCIFUL, and GRACIOUS Savior.
He is WHO and WHAT I need most of all...
No comments:
Post a Comment