Was told something tonight that pretty much threw me for a loop -- knocked me off my "daydreaming, declaring God's great goodness and mercy in my life, my Hope is in Him, and I'm believing for GREAT things" pedestal - specifically, the "great things" of marriage, a fulfilling career, being a good mom to Jonathan, Jonathan's life being full of the Lord's blessings, and on and on.
Sometimes we go whole hog on this thing called the future or get a bit caught up in the good things of the present, and we completely dismiss some of the things in our past. And that's good - cause we shouldn't dwell on the mistake or regrets of the past. The Lord doesn't. He accepts our repentance and desire to do better and throws the offenses as far as east is from west - He washes us with the blood of His Son, and makes us as clean as the whitest snow. He truly forgives and forgets.
So, why is this thing I heard tonight eating away at me?
Well, it was words spoken by a person who I know I hurt greatly in the past. I've always felt my decision was just and the best for all concerned, and yet, after hearing what I heard he had to relate a week ago to a good friend, all the shame, guilt, regret that flooded my life for the months after my decision are pouring out again.
The person is my first ex-fiancee. And even saying that makes me cringe -- particularly in light of all my recent blog entries about finding love and marriage. Here I am at 44 still hoping and dreaming for marriage when I had the opportunity to do it twice with good guys, but who I in my unreadiness and feeling that we truly weren't compatible and would probably hate each other once married, decided to say: "Let's not do this."
However, with the 2nd fiancee it was a mutual decision. We both saw it coming.
The first fiancee? Not so much. I blindsided him. He didn't see it coming. And I really should never have accepted the proposal in the first place.
We started dating when I was 29. Got engaged when I was 32. And I ended the relationship soon after.
His life rebounded. He was in a great job. Bought his first home. Was enjoying NYC life. And we managed to ultimately remain friends. I am so grateful to God that this man had such a forgiving heart - that he would even want to be in the same room with me, let alone be my friend.
While we dated, I was in my most rigid, religious way of life. We did not have intercourse. I won't say we didn't have sex, because we pretty much did everything else, but we didn't do the actual "do", so to speak. We dated for almost 3 years that way. He honored my request. He spent many weekends with me on the futon in my living room. We went on romantic vacations, with nothing happening. He popped the question without a preview of things to come. And he was not a believer (which was part of the reason why I eventually called things off -- plus a number of other essential compatibility issues - that I still stand by), yet he respected me and honored me - probably more than any so called "believer" would have or has.
So - the words. What did he actually say?
Turns out, after a few drinks and in the midst of probably the most depressed season of his life (he has been unemployed for over 3 years, is about to lose his condo, has to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy and will be moving back home to live with his mother), he went into a tirade about me having a child with that "nigger" and having the gall to actually give the baby his name!
The person he related this to tried to explain my reasons for the name (my brother and I do not have the same father; his last name is my mother's maiden name, as she chose not to give him his father's last name and my father never adopted him -- this incongruity in our names caused my brother a lot of pain. My mother said it was best that I give my child his father's last name, which I did - though Jonathan also has my last name. I felt it was important that he be identified by both our names).
He really didn't want to hear that explanation. So, my friend knew that there was something deeper going on there. She asked him what this was really about. In her words: "1..2..3..4..5 - He blurted out: 'She had sex with him but never allowed me to and I really truly loved her. And that nigger is responsible for three households!'" and on and on went the tirade.
At first, my reaction was to sort of chuckle at the extremity of his reaction. He had questioned me during the summer about my relationship with Kay - not agreeing that I should try to date him (good advice that I eventually took in July). However, I had no idea that his chagrin about the whole situation ran so deep. Our mutual friend related to me that he also made a point to let her know how he values me and our friendship and would be there for me if I ever needed anything - but this situation with Jonathan's dad - Kay - just really rubs him the wrong way.
Don't worry - it rubbed me the wrong way to.
And now - when I reflect on the way in which I've interacted with the critical men in my life -- when I really look at it -- it has been in a very selfish, what can I get out of it manner - and if I'm not getting what I expect out of it, well: See yah, wouldn't want to be yah.
So, I had to write about this to help me work through it. To truly give it over to the Lord and ask him to forgive me for how I treated this man - and my utter hypocrisy - and how I've treated other important men in my life. And I'm continuing to ask Him to move mightily over this man's life. I've been lifting him up in prayer and even fasted for him - cause I know he has yet to receive Christ as his savior. I know that would make a huge difference in his life -- and I'm asking the Lord to bless him into repentence. To place him into a great job, with benefits and to enable him to be delivered from the mountain of debt that he's under. I know the Lord can do it.
You can do it.
And you have and are forgiving me. You are enabling us to continue to be friends. You've blessed me to still be friends with the other gentleman, who I also haven't been so nice to in my sometimes, hyper-religious, hypocritical, self-centered way. And You are opening up all of our lives to new and unexpected, but extraordinary gifts, straight from your throne, into our hearts. You alone, God. You alone.
I think this is my month of HOPE and REPENTENCE. I suppose that's a good balance. Repentence is sorely needed in a number of places in my life that I didn't realize I needed to ask the Lord's forgiveness about. However, because some of these things are so mind-numbingly painful to face, He's also given me tremendous, renewed hope about a number of dreams and desires. As a result, I'm neither beat down by my old regrets, or too exalted about my fantastic, big dreams and desires.
That indeed is the goodness of God.
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