Just meditating tonight on the endless, beautiful blood of Jesus and the awesomeness of His resurrection. They will NEVER lose their power!
This hymn has been on my heart all evening. May His blood cover and protect all who love Him!
The blood that Jesus shed for me,
way back on Calvary;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It reaches to the highest mountain,
it flows to the lowest valley;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It soothes my doubts and calms my fears,
and it dries all my tears;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It reaches to the highest mountain,
it flows to the lowest valley;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Amazing Jonathan!
This little boy utterly amazes me on a continual basis!
He is now 10.5 months old. He took his first steps on 12/22/11 - still 9 months - so we can say he started walking at the young age of 9 months. However, he did go back to mainly crawling for a nother week or so and then on Thursday, 1/4/12, decided he'd had enough of the crawling, and has been toddling along like a pro ever since.
Just amazing!
I mean, he's got it down where he's already able to walk pass us through tight spaces, turn in circles, turn corners without a beat, open and close doors while standing, climb up on his safety gates and get back down, and skip to his next destination, climb the stairs, get to the landing, stand up and go on his way, walk while holding objects and playing with them, like my iPhone.
My mother keeps telling me "Where did you get this boy??! We never really had a baby."
No, we really didn't. Jonathan did the sleepy infant thing for about 1 week and he's been up and at it ever since. His mind is so quick as well as his hands. I think he comprehends so much. He can watch a cartoon like he knows exactly what's being said - fully engaged. He can turn on and off the separation anxiety -- and primarily does not get anxious. For example, this Sunday at church, a lovely older woman, Anastasia saw that I had to leave the sanctuary cause Mr. Rambunctious wanted to talk and not sit still (I'm waiting till he's 1 year to put him in the nursery) so she came out and took him so I could have communion. Well, he went to her like she was his best friend and then proceeded to entertain her and two other ladies until I came back to get him. So very content.
Anastasia has 5 children so I guess she knows what she talks about when she says that Jonathan will be left-handed. I had hoped so, but she confirmed that his first instinct is to grab things or take things with his left hand. I've been testing that all week and for sure, that is the case.
I love it! cause I can already see that his mind is quick. Left handed folks are quite creative and typically pretty smart - and some very successful folks are left-handed (Obama, Bill Gates, Oprah).
I got a bit sad a few days ago just thinking about my amazing, advanced, express little boy. Right now he's about an 18-month old in a 10 month old body. I believe he's always gonna be like that - slightly frustrated with where he's at in his body because his mind is so far ahead of it. And then when he's able - zoom - off he will go and I will likely not see much of him after that point. The Lord has created in him a zest and zeal for life and people. He will be a great man of influence - the example of Godliness with fervor for the Lord that I've prayed over his life. I believe he will be not unlike Billy Graham - a man that the Lord will use to draw millions to the throne of grace. He is gifted, talented, and God's special creation. What great things the Lord has in store.
And what graciousness the Lord extended to me. Using the early hours of a warm spring day to bless me in a situation that I was not proud of, but I could not keep myself from - to grant me the privilege of carrying and caring for such a special little man. Oh amazing amazing Jonathan.
Oh amazing, amazing God: Thank you!
He is now 10.5 months old. He took his first steps on 12/22/11 - still 9 months - so we can say he started walking at the young age of 9 months. However, he did go back to mainly crawling for a nother week or so and then on Thursday, 1/4/12, decided he'd had enough of the crawling, and has been toddling along like a pro ever since.
Just amazing!
I mean, he's got it down where he's already able to walk pass us through tight spaces, turn in circles, turn corners without a beat, open and close doors while standing, climb up on his safety gates and get back down, and skip to his next destination, climb the stairs, get to the landing, stand up and go on his way, walk while holding objects and playing with them, like my iPhone.
My mother keeps telling me "Where did you get this boy??! We never really had a baby."
No, we really didn't. Jonathan did the sleepy infant thing for about 1 week and he's been up and at it ever since. His mind is so quick as well as his hands. I think he comprehends so much. He can watch a cartoon like he knows exactly what's being said - fully engaged. He can turn on and off the separation anxiety -- and primarily does not get anxious. For example, this Sunday at church, a lovely older woman, Anastasia saw that I had to leave the sanctuary cause Mr. Rambunctious wanted to talk and not sit still (I'm waiting till he's 1 year to put him in the nursery) so she came out and took him so I could have communion. Well, he went to her like she was his best friend and then proceeded to entertain her and two other ladies until I came back to get him. So very content.
Anastasia has 5 children so I guess she knows what she talks about when she says that Jonathan will be left-handed. I had hoped so, but she confirmed that his first instinct is to grab things or take things with his left hand. I've been testing that all week and for sure, that is the case.
I love it! cause I can already see that his mind is quick. Left handed folks are quite creative and typically pretty smart - and some very successful folks are left-handed (Obama, Bill Gates, Oprah).
I got a bit sad a few days ago just thinking about my amazing, advanced, express little boy. Right now he's about an 18-month old in a 10 month old body. I believe he's always gonna be like that - slightly frustrated with where he's at in his body because his mind is so far ahead of it. And then when he's able - zoom - off he will go and I will likely not see much of him after that point. The Lord has created in him a zest and zeal for life and people. He will be a great man of influence - the example of Godliness with fervor for the Lord that I've prayed over his life. I believe he will be not unlike Billy Graham - a man that the Lord will use to draw millions to the throne of grace. He is gifted, talented, and God's special creation. What great things the Lord has in store.
And what graciousness the Lord extended to me. Using the early hours of a warm spring day to bless me in a situation that I was not proud of, but I could not keep myself from - to grant me the privilege of carrying and caring for such a special little man. Oh amazing amazing Jonathan.
Oh amazing, amazing God: Thank you!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Facing old regrets
Was told something tonight that pretty much threw me for a loop -- knocked me off my "daydreaming, declaring God's great goodness and mercy in my life, my Hope is in Him, and I'm believing for GREAT things" pedestal - specifically, the "great things" of marriage, a fulfilling career, being a good mom to Jonathan, Jonathan's life being full of the Lord's blessings, and on and on.
Sometimes we go whole hog on this thing called the future or get a bit caught up in the good things of the present, and we completely dismiss some of the things in our past. And that's good - cause we shouldn't dwell on the mistake or regrets of the past. The Lord doesn't. He accepts our repentance and desire to do better and throws the offenses as far as east is from west - He washes us with the blood of His Son, and makes us as clean as the whitest snow. He truly forgives and forgets.
So, why is this thing I heard tonight eating away at me?
Well, it was words spoken by a person who I know I hurt greatly in the past. I've always felt my decision was just and the best for all concerned, and yet, after hearing what I heard he had to relate a week ago to a good friend, all the shame, guilt, regret that flooded my life for the months after my decision are pouring out again.
The person is my first ex-fiancee. And even saying that makes me cringe -- particularly in light of all my recent blog entries about finding love and marriage. Here I am at 44 still hoping and dreaming for marriage when I had the opportunity to do it twice with good guys, but who I in my unreadiness and feeling that we truly weren't compatible and would probably hate each other once married, decided to say: "Let's not do this."
However, with the 2nd fiancee it was a mutual decision. We both saw it coming.
The first fiancee? Not so much. I blindsided him. He didn't see it coming. And I really should never have accepted the proposal in the first place.
We started dating when I was 29. Got engaged when I was 32. And I ended the relationship soon after.
His life rebounded. He was in a great job. Bought his first home. Was enjoying NYC life. And we managed to ultimately remain friends. I am so grateful to God that this man had such a forgiving heart - that he would even want to be in the same room with me, let alone be my friend.
While we dated, I was in my most rigid, religious way of life. We did not have intercourse. I won't say we didn't have sex, because we pretty much did everything else, but we didn't do the actual "do", so to speak. We dated for almost 3 years that way. He honored my request. He spent many weekends with me on the futon in my living room. We went on romantic vacations, with nothing happening. He popped the question without a preview of things to come. And he was not a believer (which was part of the reason why I eventually called things off -- plus a number of other essential compatibility issues - that I still stand by), yet he respected me and honored me - probably more than any so called "believer" would have or has.
So - the words. What did he actually say?
Turns out, after a few drinks and in the midst of probably the most depressed season of his life (he has been unemployed for over 3 years, is about to lose his condo, has to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy and will be moving back home to live with his mother), he went into a tirade about me having a child with that "nigger" and having the gall to actually give the baby his name!
The person he related this to tried to explain my reasons for the name (my brother and I do not have the same father; his last name is my mother's maiden name, as she chose not to give him his father's last name and my father never adopted him -- this incongruity in our names caused my brother a lot of pain. My mother said it was best that I give my child his father's last name, which I did - though Jonathan also has my last name. I felt it was important that he be identified by both our names).
He really didn't want to hear that explanation. So, my friend knew that there was something deeper going on there. She asked him what this was really about. In her words: "1..2..3..4..5 - He blurted out: 'She had sex with him but never allowed me to and I really truly loved her. And that nigger is responsible for three households!'" and on and on went the tirade.
At first, my reaction was to sort of chuckle at the extremity of his reaction. He had questioned me during the summer about my relationship with Kay - not agreeing that I should try to date him (good advice that I eventually took in July). However, I had no idea that his chagrin about the whole situation ran so deep. Our mutual friend related to me that he also made a point to let her know how he values me and our friendship and would be there for me if I ever needed anything - but this situation with Jonathan's dad - Kay - just really rubs him the wrong way.
Don't worry - it rubbed me the wrong way to.
And now - when I reflect on the way in which I've interacted with the critical men in my life -- when I really look at it -- it has been in a very selfish, what can I get out of it manner - and if I'm not getting what I expect out of it, well: See yah, wouldn't want to be yah.
So, I had to write about this to help me work through it. To truly give it over to the Lord and ask him to forgive me for how I treated this man - and my utter hypocrisy - and how I've treated other important men in my life. And I'm continuing to ask Him to move mightily over this man's life. I've been lifting him up in prayer and even fasted for him - cause I know he has yet to receive Christ as his savior. I know that would make a huge difference in his life -- and I'm asking the Lord to bless him into repentence. To place him into a great job, with benefits and to enable him to be delivered from the mountain of debt that he's under. I know the Lord can do it.
You can do it.
And you have and are forgiving me. You are enabling us to continue to be friends. You've blessed me to still be friends with the other gentleman, who I also haven't been so nice to in my sometimes, hyper-religious, hypocritical, self-centered way. And You are opening up all of our lives to new and unexpected, but extraordinary gifts, straight from your throne, into our hearts. You alone, God. You alone.
I think this is my month of HOPE and REPENTENCE. I suppose that's a good balance. Repentence is sorely needed in a number of places in my life that I didn't realize I needed to ask the Lord's forgiveness about. However, because some of these things are so mind-numbingly painful to face, He's also given me tremendous, renewed hope about a number of dreams and desires. As a result, I'm neither beat down by my old regrets, or too exalted about my fantastic, big dreams and desires.
That indeed is the goodness of God.
Sometimes we go whole hog on this thing called the future or get a bit caught up in the good things of the present, and we completely dismiss some of the things in our past. And that's good - cause we shouldn't dwell on the mistake or regrets of the past. The Lord doesn't. He accepts our repentance and desire to do better and throws the offenses as far as east is from west - He washes us with the blood of His Son, and makes us as clean as the whitest snow. He truly forgives and forgets.
So, why is this thing I heard tonight eating away at me?
Well, it was words spoken by a person who I know I hurt greatly in the past. I've always felt my decision was just and the best for all concerned, and yet, after hearing what I heard he had to relate a week ago to a good friend, all the shame, guilt, regret that flooded my life for the months after my decision are pouring out again.
The person is my first ex-fiancee. And even saying that makes me cringe -- particularly in light of all my recent blog entries about finding love and marriage. Here I am at 44 still hoping and dreaming for marriage when I had the opportunity to do it twice with good guys, but who I in my unreadiness and feeling that we truly weren't compatible and would probably hate each other once married, decided to say: "Let's not do this."
However, with the 2nd fiancee it was a mutual decision. We both saw it coming.
The first fiancee? Not so much. I blindsided him. He didn't see it coming. And I really should never have accepted the proposal in the first place.
We started dating when I was 29. Got engaged when I was 32. And I ended the relationship soon after.
His life rebounded. He was in a great job. Bought his first home. Was enjoying NYC life. And we managed to ultimately remain friends. I am so grateful to God that this man had such a forgiving heart - that he would even want to be in the same room with me, let alone be my friend.
While we dated, I was in my most rigid, religious way of life. We did not have intercourse. I won't say we didn't have sex, because we pretty much did everything else, but we didn't do the actual "do", so to speak. We dated for almost 3 years that way. He honored my request. He spent many weekends with me on the futon in my living room. We went on romantic vacations, with nothing happening. He popped the question without a preview of things to come. And he was not a believer (which was part of the reason why I eventually called things off -- plus a number of other essential compatibility issues - that I still stand by), yet he respected me and honored me - probably more than any so called "believer" would have or has.
So - the words. What did he actually say?
Turns out, after a few drinks and in the midst of probably the most depressed season of his life (he has been unemployed for over 3 years, is about to lose his condo, has to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy and will be moving back home to live with his mother), he went into a tirade about me having a child with that "nigger" and having the gall to actually give the baby his name!
The person he related this to tried to explain my reasons for the name (my brother and I do not have the same father; his last name is my mother's maiden name, as she chose not to give him his father's last name and my father never adopted him -- this incongruity in our names caused my brother a lot of pain. My mother said it was best that I give my child his father's last name, which I did - though Jonathan also has my last name. I felt it was important that he be identified by both our names).
He really didn't want to hear that explanation. So, my friend knew that there was something deeper going on there. She asked him what this was really about. In her words: "1..2..3..4..5 - He blurted out: 'She had sex with him but never allowed me to and I really truly loved her. And that nigger is responsible for three households!'" and on and on went the tirade.
At first, my reaction was to sort of chuckle at the extremity of his reaction. He had questioned me during the summer about my relationship with Kay - not agreeing that I should try to date him (good advice that I eventually took in July). However, I had no idea that his chagrin about the whole situation ran so deep. Our mutual friend related to me that he also made a point to let her know how he values me and our friendship and would be there for me if I ever needed anything - but this situation with Jonathan's dad - Kay - just really rubs him the wrong way.
Don't worry - it rubbed me the wrong way to.
And now - when I reflect on the way in which I've interacted with the critical men in my life -- when I really look at it -- it has been in a very selfish, what can I get out of it manner - and if I'm not getting what I expect out of it, well: See yah, wouldn't want to be yah.
So, I had to write about this to help me work through it. To truly give it over to the Lord and ask him to forgive me for how I treated this man - and my utter hypocrisy - and how I've treated other important men in my life. And I'm continuing to ask Him to move mightily over this man's life. I've been lifting him up in prayer and even fasted for him - cause I know he has yet to receive Christ as his savior. I know that would make a huge difference in his life -- and I'm asking the Lord to bless him into repentence. To place him into a great job, with benefits and to enable him to be delivered from the mountain of debt that he's under. I know the Lord can do it.
You can do it.
And you have and are forgiving me. You are enabling us to continue to be friends. You've blessed me to still be friends with the other gentleman, who I also haven't been so nice to in my sometimes, hyper-religious, hypocritical, self-centered way. And You are opening up all of our lives to new and unexpected, but extraordinary gifts, straight from your throne, into our hearts. You alone, God. You alone.
I think this is my month of HOPE and REPENTENCE. I suppose that's a good balance. Repentence is sorely needed in a number of places in my life that I didn't realize I needed to ask the Lord's forgiveness about. However, because some of these things are so mind-numbingly painful to face, He's also given me tremendous, renewed hope about a number of dreams and desires. As a result, I'm neither beat down by my old regrets, or too exalted about my fantastic, big dreams and desires.
That indeed is the goodness of God.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Casting your pearls before swine
Matthew 7:6 "...do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot..."
I'm learning something about myself and some of the people in my life. I don't cast judgment, but through observation and experience, I'm seeing things that I need to change in me - particularly as they are enacted by others toward me and usually not at all consciously on the part of the person...ok maybe consciously -- since, in many instances, it's a conscious act on my part. The act in question being the situation I quote above -- casting pearls before swine - where pearls are significant, important parts of a person's life that they want to share with me or things important to me that I want to share with others -- and where swine is either me being distant, unavailable, or unresponsive when presented with these pearls or someone doing the same to me when I present my pearls.
It's being on the side of the non-response which shows me just how egregious a behavior that really is. Being confronted with my own behavior, I had to ask the Lord to forgive me for past offenses and to truly work in me so that I regard the pearls presented to me by loved ones with the care and kindness that they truly deserve.
And yet, it's also showing me that if there are repeated instances of this "swine-like" behavior by certain people, it's best to maybe reconsider throwing your pearls in that person's direction in the future. This is what Jesus is warning folks against. For it really doesn't feel good to have those pearls trampled under foot. So, really, why set yourself up for the pain?
Again, most of us who do this thing to others don't do it maliciously. We're too busy...we're a bit "tired" of either hearing or seeing the same ole, same ole again and again from this person, so you just ignore them, rather than go through what you consider the agony of having to deal with that thing that is such a pearl to them but seems pretty benign, petty, self-centered, foolish, or goofy to you. Whatever, the case is - the avoidance is a way to diminish discomfort on our part, but it's at the expense of the other person's heart and vulnerability -- they've opened themselves to you and you've basically stomped on that thing as if it really was of no consequence whatsoever.
I see that now.
So, I'm taking this as a hard lesson to do better in the future. To return the phone call or text message or email. To actually send a nice "how are you note" now and then, without then responding when they inquire about how I am with a novel of my life - or - if I'm trying to keep the convo to the bare minimum, with a few courtesy remarks that are only given so as to stop further emails from the person I'm trying to avoid.
Oh the things our selfish, too busy, too tired, too, too, too - hearts are so willing to do.
Lord help us to be like Jesus, who never turned aside from a need. And help me to not be too quickly offended or hurt when it happens to me - but also to exercise wisdom about just who gets to view my pearls - share those things of beauty in my life - like videos or pics of my little man - or my struggles with my vocation.
It's nice that I have a blog -- for I can share those things with You here -- and also just You everywhere. For You will never leave me or forsake me and my pearls are always precious in your sight...
I'm learning something about myself and some of the people in my life. I don't cast judgment, but through observation and experience, I'm seeing things that I need to change in me - particularly as they are enacted by others toward me and usually not at all consciously on the part of the person...ok maybe consciously -- since, in many instances, it's a conscious act on my part. The act in question being the situation I quote above -- casting pearls before swine - where pearls are significant, important parts of a person's life that they want to share with me or things important to me that I want to share with others -- and where swine is either me being distant, unavailable, or unresponsive when presented with these pearls or someone doing the same to me when I present my pearls.
It's being on the side of the non-response which shows me just how egregious a behavior that really is. Being confronted with my own behavior, I had to ask the Lord to forgive me for past offenses and to truly work in me so that I regard the pearls presented to me by loved ones with the care and kindness that they truly deserve.
And yet, it's also showing me that if there are repeated instances of this "swine-like" behavior by certain people, it's best to maybe reconsider throwing your pearls in that person's direction in the future. This is what Jesus is warning folks against. For it really doesn't feel good to have those pearls trampled under foot. So, really, why set yourself up for the pain?
Again, most of us who do this thing to others don't do it maliciously. We're too busy...we're a bit "tired" of either hearing or seeing the same ole, same ole again and again from this person, so you just ignore them, rather than go through what you consider the agony of having to deal with that thing that is such a pearl to them but seems pretty benign, petty, self-centered, foolish, or goofy to you. Whatever, the case is - the avoidance is a way to diminish discomfort on our part, but it's at the expense of the other person's heart and vulnerability -- they've opened themselves to you and you've basically stomped on that thing as if it really was of no consequence whatsoever.
I see that now.
So, I'm taking this as a hard lesson to do better in the future. To return the phone call or text message or email. To actually send a nice "how are you note" now and then, without then responding when they inquire about how I am with a novel of my life - or - if I'm trying to keep the convo to the bare minimum, with a few courtesy remarks that are only given so as to stop further emails from the person I'm trying to avoid.
Oh the things our selfish, too busy, too tired, too, too, too - hearts are so willing to do.
Lord help us to be like Jesus, who never turned aside from a need. And help me to not be too quickly offended or hurt when it happens to me - but also to exercise wisdom about just who gets to view my pearls - share those things of beauty in my life - like videos or pics of my little man - or my struggles with my vocation.
It's nice that I have a blog -- for I can share those things with You here -- and also just You everywhere. For You will never leave me or forsake me and my pearls are always precious in your sight...
I am convinced
The Lord IS so amazingly gracious and kind to me. So very much!
My last entry discussed my lingering emotions for Kay...my issues with rationalizing and reasoning over us - what could have been, what should be, what isn't. And then the Lord did the miraculous and used Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" to completely blow up all that reasoning and bring me back to the center of God's will for my life.
It is right - very right - for me - for my Father in heaven - for Kay - and for our future lives as spouses - to have ended the relationship as I did in July. It was right.
The chapter I opened to was the one on Sex in marriage. How eye-opening. What a revelation.
My unrest was necessary, because I was uniting myself to someone who was not my husband. Sex, as God desires it, is a uniting force - the thing the Lord uses to both seal and reinforce the covenant relationship between Himself, a wife and a husband. This uniting is not altered when you have sex outside of marriage. It's still there - but with it comes the angst, fear, trauma, distrust, and all the negative stuff attached to having sex with someone who is not committed to you in the way that God ordained married couples to be.
There was this amazing quote from C.S. Lewis that I will hang onto for the rest of my life: "Sex before marriage is like eating a gourmet meal without swallowing or digesting it." It's incomplete, and ultimately unsatisfying, and cannot do the full work of helping two people become one in covenant with God - or - through that oneness, draw them closer to the Father and the persons He desires them to be. Sex is part and parcel of the unique bond that exists in a Godly, Christ-centered marriage. And it is the only way that I desire to have it going forward.
That's why it's SO important to remain celibate before marriage. To not defile the marriage bed. To save yourself for the one who will cultivate and care for that part of you that you only make available to them - who you can be vulnerable with in Christ.
However, to do so - to remain celibate - a person must be CONVINCED that this is the thing to do. That this is the great sacrifice and offering to the Lord, who did ever more in His sacrifice of Himself for us.
Tim refrenced Jane Eyre. And it spoke specifically to my situation with Kay, for Mr. Rochester who is also still married to a woman with whom he no longer has a true marriage relationship, asks Jane to remain with him, as his mistress, as Kay has asked of me.
Jane, like myself, wrestles with her longing for him and her desire to please God - to remain convinced that to deny her desire for Rochester, will serve the greater good for them both and truly glorify the Lord.
She is convinced.
Of course, Jane Eyre provides a nice ending for Jane. Though she runs off and almost dies in that escape from a broken heart. The Lord eventually brings them back together -- however, Rochester is now a broken man - blinded by the fire that kills his wife (and ultimately the tie to a broken marriage, entered into for unGodly reasons (he was tricked into it by the woman's conniving brother and father - and his lust for her, not Christ-centered love).
My desire is to be completely free of Kay - and yet, I remember that prayer back in 2010 - those 7 days of declaring that I would meet my husband at the end of that period, and indeed, my mother coming home on that 7th day declaring "I have a husband for you!" - that person being Kay.
So, is the Lord about to work a work in Kay's life, similar to Mr. Rochester. Will my walking away, as I've done, moving forward with my life (even having someone quite Godly enter in who would possibly entertain making me his wife - as Jane's cousin does, when she retreats from Rochester) - will all that allow the Lord to do things in Kay's situation that will free him from his wife, but break him also of his pride, his striking independence, his questionable view of how to live life, his distance from the Father and accountability to other believers - will he come out broken, with new vision through Spiritual eyes, not a vision that is based on the lust of the flesh, but also a softened man - vulnerable, willing to be cared for as he has cared for others?
This last paragraph just came to me as I reflected on Jane and Rochester. I did not see it last night. I don't know. My one desire right now is deeper relationship with the Father, and if He deems it proper, a Godly marriage, where I am being used of Him to bring truth and encouragement, support and love into my husband's life. Both are mysterious works that only the Lord can bring to pass.
My last entry discussed my lingering emotions for Kay...my issues with rationalizing and reasoning over us - what could have been, what should be, what isn't. And then the Lord did the miraculous and used Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" to completely blow up all that reasoning and bring me back to the center of God's will for my life.
It is right - very right - for me - for my Father in heaven - for Kay - and for our future lives as spouses - to have ended the relationship as I did in July. It was right.
The chapter I opened to was the one on Sex in marriage. How eye-opening. What a revelation.
My unrest was necessary, because I was uniting myself to someone who was not my husband. Sex, as God desires it, is a uniting force - the thing the Lord uses to both seal and reinforce the covenant relationship between Himself, a wife and a husband. This uniting is not altered when you have sex outside of marriage. It's still there - but with it comes the angst, fear, trauma, distrust, and all the negative stuff attached to having sex with someone who is not committed to you in the way that God ordained married couples to be.
There was this amazing quote from C.S. Lewis that I will hang onto for the rest of my life: "Sex before marriage is like eating a gourmet meal without swallowing or digesting it." It's incomplete, and ultimately unsatisfying, and cannot do the full work of helping two people become one in covenant with God - or - through that oneness, draw them closer to the Father and the persons He desires them to be. Sex is part and parcel of the unique bond that exists in a Godly, Christ-centered marriage. And it is the only way that I desire to have it going forward.
That's why it's SO important to remain celibate before marriage. To not defile the marriage bed. To save yourself for the one who will cultivate and care for that part of you that you only make available to them - who you can be vulnerable with in Christ.
However, to do so - to remain celibate - a person must be CONVINCED that this is the thing to do. That this is the great sacrifice and offering to the Lord, who did ever more in His sacrifice of Himself for us.
Tim refrenced Jane Eyre. And it spoke specifically to my situation with Kay, for Mr. Rochester who is also still married to a woman with whom he no longer has a true marriage relationship, asks Jane to remain with him, as his mistress, as Kay has asked of me.
Jane, like myself, wrestles with her longing for him and her desire to please God - to remain convinced that to deny her desire for Rochester, will serve the greater good for them both and truly glorify the Lord.
She is convinced.
Of course, Jane Eyre provides a nice ending for Jane. Though she runs off and almost dies in that escape from a broken heart. The Lord eventually brings them back together -- however, Rochester is now a broken man - blinded by the fire that kills his wife (and ultimately the tie to a broken marriage, entered into for unGodly reasons (he was tricked into it by the woman's conniving brother and father - and his lust for her, not Christ-centered love).
My desire is to be completely free of Kay - and yet, I remember that prayer back in 2010 - those 7 days of declaring that I would meet my husband at the end of that period, and indeed, my mother coming home on that 7th day declaring "I have a husband for you!" - that person being Kay.
So, is the Lord about to work a work in Kay's life, similar to Mr. Rochester. Will my walking away, as I've done, moving forward with my life (even having someone quite Godly enter in who would possibly entertain making me his wife - as Jane's cousin does, when she retreats from Rochester) - will all that allow the Lord to do things in Kay's situation that will free him from his wife, but break him also of his pride, his striking independence, his questionable view of how to live life, his distance from the Father and accountability to other believers - will he come out broken, with new vision through Spiritual eyes, not a vision that is based on the lust of the flesh, but also a softened man - vulnerable, willing to be cared for as he has cared for others?
This last paragraph just came to me as I reflected on Jane and Rochester. I did not see it last night. I don't know. My one desire right now is deeper relationship with the Father, and if He deems it proper, a Godly marriage, where I am being used of Him to bring truth and encouragement, support and love into my husband's life. Both are mysterious works that only the Lord can bring to pass.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
I'm so grateful to my God. He continuously puts up with fickle me. I'm doing all I can to hold on to my profession of hope and faith regarding Sol and a future that I can envision will be rich with the goodness and power of our Lord and Savior - through all the ups & downs we are sure to encounter.
And yet...
Kay
He still lingers in my thoughts...and yes: my heart.
Why can't I shake him?
I'm doing my best to cast down ALL imaginations concerning him and take every thought about him to the obedience of Jesus Christ, i.e., what I didn't do, what I could've done, why the Lord allowed him to be the father of my blessed child and not someone who was truly available to build a life with...should I have not been so rigid? should I have continued in the relationship as it was? and on and on.
I keep comparing our situation to other folks where things weren't perfect -- or the woman and man are clearly very sold out for Christ and live out their faith in the way they treat others -- yet, they were clearly sexually intimate before marriage -2 couples in fact getting pregnant, but losing the child before they walked down the aisle -- and I'm certain the Lord will now bless each marriage with a lovely and healthy child. Yet, I could not continue sexually with Kay -- I could not get past the fact that he was still married. I could not get past it.
The week before Christmas, on a Thursday, in the wee morning hours, I had several dreams about Kay. All quite psychologically traumatic. All indicative of his unavailability to me in a true relationship where we can grow in understanding of one another - both single individuals under Christ - with our unique baggage, yet, not legally attached to anyone else.
Strangely he texted me that next morning asking that I give him a call when I got a chance. I gathered my nerve, still reeling a bit from the dreams, and called him. I related to him the fact that I had dreamed about him and that they weren't the most positive dreams, either. He chuckled saying it's because I have negative thoughts about him. We went onto another subject - Jonathan's Christmas gifts - and ended the convo after that.
A couple of hours later - on his busy Thursday - he took time to send me a text saying: "Your fears are only in your dreams. Think positively and we could have a wonderful life together."
I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say and felt in my spirit I shouldn't say anything, so I left the text stand by itself - festering in my iPhone message trail with Kay.
I've yet to speak about it. However, in the wake of my non-response, he shut down. I guess that was his last olive branch. Maybe if I had reached for it and said what I really wanted to: "That's what I hope for, too, Kay -- I love you so much and I want to build a wonderful life with you." things would be different. Yet, is that "wonderful life" a life with him still married? Yes, I'm pretty sure that IS what he meant. And that is the reason why I walked away back in July. It's terms like that for which I simply can't abide.
So, I hope now for a "new thing" with Sol. Kay is the "old has passed" -- or the "old is passing...slowly, slowly passing". Sol is the new that is coming, coming --- please, oh, please come! Lord, use Sol and I to erase all that came before in our lives!
The Lord answered my prayer about erasing all that my life was as a childless, single woman before Jonathan....all that free time by myself I was so afraid to give up. I honestly don't remember it or why I was so fond of it. Time with Jonathan is far more richer and fulfilling than any "me time" I ever experienced before him. It can be frustrating, and I can lose my cool and see my sin so fiercely before me when I get upset with him (his stubbornness and rambunctiousness - whew!) - but still, I take all of that as well and it still is better than anything I did by myself before Jonathan. The Lord completely dismantled my old life and I have no desire for it again.
So, I know He can move in the same powerful way with my meeting with Sol. That He can pour out his power on our introduction so that all romantic relationships that we've experienced before our intro will seem like a vapor -- mere, fuzzy memories -- and not anything that we would desire now.
BUT -- Even MORE than Sol, I can, in the days going forward, spend time getting more and more acquainted with my Father and who I am in Christ, making those endeavors the supremely MOST fulfilling part of my life -- not Jonathan, Sol, vocation, calling, whatever -- JESUS, MY Mighty, Magnificent, Perfect, Loving, AWESOME, Powerful, MERCIFUL, and GRACIOUS Savior.
He is WHO and WHAT I need most of all...
And yet...
Kay
He still lingers in my thoughts...and yes: my heart.
Why can't I shake him?
I'm doing my best to cast down ALL imaginations concerning him and take every thought about him to the obedience of Jesus Christ, i.e., what I didn't do, what I could've done, why the Lord allowed him to be the father of my blessed child and not someone who was truly available to build a life with...should I have not been so rigid? should I have continued in the relationship as it was? and on and on.
I keep comparing our situation to other folks where things weren't perfect -- or the woman and man are clearly very sold out for Christ and live out their faith in the way they treat others -- yet, they were clearly sexually intimate before marriage -2 couples in fact getting pregnant, but losing the child before they walked down the aisle -- and I'm certain the Lord will now bless each marriage with a lovely and healthy child. Yet, I could not continue sexually with Kay -- I could not get past the fact that he was still married. I could not get past it.
The week before Christmas, on a Thursday, in the wee morning hours, I had several dreams about Kay. All quite psychologically traumatic. All indicative of his unavailability to me in a true relationship where we can grow in understanding of one another - both single individuals under Christ - with our unique baggage, yet, not legally attached to anyone else.
Strangely he texted me that next morning asking that I give him a call when I got a chance. I gathered my nerve, still reeling a bit from the dreams, and called him. I related to him the fact that I had dreamed about him and that they weren't the most positive dreams, either. He chuckled saying it's because I have negative thoughts about him. We went onto another subject - Jonathan's Christmas gifts - and ended the convo after that.
A couple of hours later - on his busy Thursday - he took time to send me a text saying: "Your fears are only in your dreams. Think positively and we could have a wonderful life together."
I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say and felt in my spirit I shouldn't say anything, so I left the text stand by itself - festering in my iPhone message trail with Kay.
I've yet to speak about it. However, in the wake of my non-response, he shut down. I guess that was his last olive branch. Maybe if I had reached for it and said what I really wanted to: "That's what I hope for, too, Kay -- I love you so much and I want to build a wonderful life with you." things would be different. Yet, is that "wonderful life" a life with him still married? Yes, I'm pretty sure that IS what he meant. And that is the reason why I walked away back in July. It's terms like that for which I simply can't abide.
So, I hope now for a "new thing" with Sol. Kay is the "old has passed" -- or the "old is passing...slowly, slowly passing". Sol is the new that is coming, coming --- please, oh, please come! Lord, use Sol and I to erase all that came before in our lives!
The Lord answered my prayer about erasing all that my life was as a childless, single woman before Jonathan....all that free time by myself I was so afraid to give up. I honestly don't remember it or why I was so fond of it. Time with Jonathan is far more richer and fulfilling than any "me time" I ever experienced before him. It can be frustrating, and I can lose my cool and see my sin so fiercely before me when I get upset with him (his stubbornness and rambunctiousness - whew!) - but still, I take all of that as well and it still is better than anything I did by myself before Jonathan. The Lord completely dismantled my old life and I have no desire for it again.
So, I know He can move in the same powerful way with my meeting with Sol. That He can pour out his power on our introduction so that all romantic relationships that we've experienced before our intro will seem like a vapor -- mere, fuzzy memories -- and not anything that we would desire now.
BUT -- Even MORE than Sol, I can, in the days going forward, spend time getting more and more acquainted with my Father and who I am in Christ, making those endeavors the supremely MOST fulfilling part of my life -- not Jonathan, Sol, vocation, calling, whatever -- JESUS, MY Mighty, Magnificent, Perfect, Loving, AWESOME, Powerful, MERCIFUL, and GRACIOUS Savior.
He is WHO and WHAT I need most of all...
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Wedding inspiration
I've been fascinated for the past few days with a couple of very creative wedding sites: The Bride's Cafe (http://thebridescafe.com) and Munaluchi Bridal (http://munaluchibridal.com).
There are a multitude of real wedding pics on both sites that are quite beautiful and inspiring. I know for myself I have a vision of actually being married in my parent's living room and then going out to an intimate dinner with family afterward. However, a few months later, I would like us to marry again in a small and simple but elegant ceremony at the Lady of Restoration Chapel in Cold Spring, NY - having an intimate brunch reception afterward in the Chancery. I know that a great photographer, great caterer and great florist will be necessary -- and very unique favors and welcome gifts for guests staying overnight. I believe that our intimate dinner after the first ceremony will take place at Sophie's Bistro. I would like Pastor Kelvin to marry us in Cold Spring and Rev. Robinson to marry us at my parents (or maybe we'll have two Pastors in Cold Spring).
Just my rough sketch vision. I place the absolute details in the hands of my Father in heaven.
Oh -- I do have a dress for the first ceremony. That sweet little dress that I bought in New Hope. I still need my petal pink shoes, however...
But let's return to the http://munaluchibridal.com site.
Last night, I was particularly moved by a story about an ex-NFL player who married his bride, while she was battling cancer, only 1 month before she passed. The video truly messed me up and was a pivotal thing for me to see. I got a real glimpse of the love that Christ displayed to us through this man's show of love for his wife -- to give her the wedding that most women dream of -- to take that walk down the aisle, to kiss the man that you love at the alter after exchanging covenant vows before our Father - to dance that first dance with your husband -- to dance that beautiful poignant dance with your dad (she actually got the strength to boogie down with her dad:->). It truly was life changing. I pray I never forget what I learned there: Love is never about what you can get -- it's ALWAYS absolutely, completely, unquestionably about what you can give...
There are a multitude of real wedding pics on both sites that are quite beautiful and inspiring. I know for myself I have a vision of actually being married in my parent's living room and then going out to an intimate dinner with family afterward. However, a few months later, I would like us to marry again in a small and simple but elegant ceremony at the Lady of Restoration Chapel in Cold Spring, NY - having an intimate brunch reception afterward in the Chancery. I know that a great photographer, great caterer and great florist will be necessary -- and very unique favors and welcome gifts for guests staying overnight. I believe that our intimate dinner after the first ceremony will take place at Sophie's Bistro. I would like Pastor Kelvin to marry us in Cold Spring and Rev. Robinson to marry us at my parents (or maybe we'll have two Pastors in Cold Spring).
Just my rough sketch vision. I place the absolute details in the hands of my Father in heaven.
Oh -- I do have a dress for the first ceremony. That sweet little dress that I bought in New Hope. I still need my petal pink shoes, however...
But let's return to the http://munaluchibridal.com site.
Last night, I was particularly moved by a story about an ex-NFL player who married his bride, while she was battling cancer, only 1 month before she passed. The video truly messed me up and was a pivotal thing for me to see. I got a real glimpse of the love that Christ displayed to us through this man's show of love for his wife -- to give her the wedding that most women dream of -- to take that walk down the aisle, to kiss the man that you love at the alter after exchanging covenant vows before our Father - to dance that first dance with your husband -- to dance that beautiful poignant dance with your dad (she actually got the strength to boogie down with her dad:->). It truly was life changing. I pray I never forget what I learned there: Love is never about what you can get -- it's ALWAYS absolutely, completely, unquestionably about what you can give...
Sol...
For several years an old colleague from POK has been trying to connect me with her younger brother, Solomon (Sol to family - Saul to his friends). It just hasn't happened. The closest was in the spring/summer of 2010 - right before I discovered that I was pregnant with Jonathan. I had to back out of a bbq that Betty invited me to because I was in the thick of things with Kay and Phil B. had recently also stepped back into the picture. I was a royal mess, emotionally, and didn't think it was wise to try to meet someone new at that time in my life. She said that Sol was disappointed and that she was certain if we'd meet, I would get a husband out of it! She's got such a conviction in her heart that we would be great for one another.
Well, fast forward to summer 2011. Betty contacts me again - me now with beautiful Jonathan - and inquiries if I'm still interested in meeting Sol. I say sure. She says she'll get back to me on arranging something. She never does. Good thing. Even though I was at the tail end of my "situation" with Kay, I was still tip-toeing in the mucky mire of it, and so it was, yet again, not a good time for me to meet Sol.
We come to early January 2012 - in the wake of two fasts related to meeting my husband. I receive a Christmas Card from Betty saying she'll call me after the New Year. I decided to go ahead and send her a New Years greeting on 1/5/12 (2 = Witness, Agreement, Partnership). She's glad to hear from me and mentions again my meeting Sol. We set up a meeting for Saturday, 1/7/12 (4 = God's creative works - Perfect Order of God). However, Betty has to cancel. Sol has a church obligation (a good sign!). We reschedule for 1/28/12 (7=Spiritual Completeness - God's Perfection). More time is good for me - because I'm on a mission to complete some mental, spiritual preparation for meeting someone with whom I can share my life and build a family, centered in Christ. This includes, completing three books and a Joyce Meyer tape series. 21 Days. Can I? Shall I? I hope in God, I will!
So Sol...
Is he he the one I've been asking for all these years? Is Betty like Abraham's servant to Rebekkah: Bringing me to my Isaac? A man who seeks the Lord - older - committed to his mom -- committed to God -- who loves me and who prays for me -- a man I can say Yes to, Pray over, Care for, Encourage, and support -- submit to as my head under Christ?
Lord, you've heard my prayers. You know the final outcome.
I state here in an act of faith that I'm believing that You have ordered our steps and that You have heard our prayers. That You have moved heaven and earth and timed our meeting according to your perfect plans for our lives. I believe that You desire for Sol and I to become great friends and that You are able to knit us together to become deeply intwined, through our Spirit man, as man and wife - cleaving unto one another - becoming one - uniting to achieve more together than either of us could ever have done alone. I want to be positive for once when it comes to meeting someone. We're both advanced in age. I am now a mother. We don't want to waste any more time. I long to be married and give of myself in marriage - as scary as that really is. As vulnerable and totally OUT OF CONTROL that could be for me. I desire it. I hope for it. Only You can bring it to pass. I hope in You that I am attracted to Sol's spirit - but also to him as a man - in terms of his voice, his hands, his physical appearance -- his breath! (Lord PLEASE let him have good breath!) I thank you even now for an answer to my prayer that the Sol be THE BEST KISSER --- as if I've never been kissed before! And Lord, move him to pursue me with abandon -- to be unto me even moreso than Tim was to Whitney. Let there be a beauty about our connection that inspires others. Move mightily on our behalfs. Not because we deserve it - but by your great, unmatchless mercy & grace alone! YOU ARE My praise and DESERVE ALL MY PRAISE, ALL MY HONOR -- I thank you in advance for what only YOU can do. I DESIRE TO SEE YOU GLORIFIED through this answered prayer. I thank you for preparing Sol and I during these weeks till we meet.
I ask you to find me a very pretty dress - even if it is already in my closet. Lord, make me to be especially pretty that evening. My skin radiant, my hair falling just right - and the beauty of a quiet spirit, being the thing that truly enchants him. Let me be to Sol like no other woman before me. May he be the same for me -- like no other man. Oh, I rejoice in your word, Lord:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
Hallelujah!!!
Well, fast forward to summer 2011. Betty contacts me again - me now with beautiful Jonathan - and inquiries if I'm still interested in meeting Sol. I say sure. She says she'll get back to me on arranging something. She never does. Good thing. Even though I was at the tail end of my "situation" with Kay, I was still tip-toeing in the mucky mire of it, and so it was, yet again, not a good time for me to meet Sol.
We come to early January 2012 - in the wake of two fasts related to meeting my husband. I receive a Christmas Card from Betty saying she'll call me after the New Year. I decided to go ahead and send her a New Years greeting on 1/5/12 (2 = Witness, Agreement, Partnership). She's glad to hear from me and mentions again my meeting Sol. We set up a meeting for Saturday, 1/7/12 (4 = God's creative works - Perfect Order of God). However, Betty has to cancel. Sol has a church obligation (a good sign!). We reschedule for 1/28/12 (7=Spiritual Completeness - God's Perfection). More time is good for me - because I'm on a mission to complete some mental, spiritual preparation for meeting someone with whom I can share my life and build a family, centered in Christ. This includes, completing three books and a Joyce Meyer tape series. 21 Days. Can I? Shall I? I hope in God, I will!
So Sol...
Is he he the one I've been asking for all these years? Is Betty like Abraham's servant to Rebekkah: Bringing me to my Isaac? A man who seeks the Lord - older - committed to his mom -- committed to God -- who loves me and who prays for me -- a man I can say Yes to, Pray over, Care for, Encourage, and support -- submit to as my head under Christ?
Lord, you've heard my prayers. You know the final outcome.
I state here in an act of faith that I'm believing that You have ordered our steps and that You have heard our prayers. That You have moved heaven and earth and timed our meeting according to your perfect plans for our lives. I believe that You desire for Sol and I to become great friends and that You are able to knit us together to become deeply intwined, through our Spirit man, as man and wife - cleaving unto one another - becoming one - uniting to achieve more together than either of us could ever have done alone. I want to be positive for once when it comes to meeting someone. We're both advanced in age. I am now a mother. We don't want to waste any more time. I long to be married and give of myself in marriage - as scary as that really is. As vulnerable and totally OUT OF CONTROL that could be for me. I desire it. I hope for it. Only You can bring it to pass. I hope in You that I am attracted to Sol's spirit - but also to him as a man - in terms of his voice, his hands, his physical appearance -- his breath! (Lord PLEASE let him have good breath!) I thank you even now for an answer to my prayer that the Sol be THE BEST KISSER --- as if I've never been kissed before! And Lord, move him to pursue me with abandon -- to be unto me even moreso than Tim was to Whitney. Let there be a beauty about our connection that inspires others. Move mightily on our behalfs. Not because we deserve it - but by your great, unmatchless mercy & grace alone! YOU ARE My praise and DESERVE ALL MY PRAISE, ALL MY HONOR -- I thank you in advance for what only YOU can do. I DESIRE TO SEE YOU GLORIFIED through this answered prayer. I thank you for preparing Sol and I during these weeks till we meet.
I ask you to find me a very pretty dress - even if it is already in my closet. Lord, make me to be especially pretty that evening. My skin radiant, my hair falling just right - and the beauty of a quiet spirit, being the thing that truly enchants him. Let me be to Sol like no other woman before me. May he be the same for me -- like no other man. Oh, I rejoice in your word, Lord:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
Hallelujah!!!
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