So, this morning, around 5 am, I hear Jonathan's little voice speaking - waking me out of a deep sleep. I call out to him and he comes to the door to tell me that "Nana needs you." Groggy, I get up and we go downstairs to hear my mother calling my name. Jonathan's bedroom is right over her bedroom, which is why he heard her first, and thank God he did. She was laid out on the floor beside her bed! Strangely, she was laid out with her head at the foot of the bed. She said she fell out of bed, but I don't think that was possible. Likely she got up and felt dizzy and fainted. Angels caught her and made sure she fell specifically between the small space between the bed and the bathroom wall, otherwise she could have majorly injured herself, similar to what happened to my dad on May 14, 2013, when he fell out of bed and suffered the cervical spinal injury that eventually led him to nursing home care.
My mother was sore, but no injuries, praise God. I was able to get her up and back into the bed. After a few Tylenol tablets, she went back to sleep and woke later in the morning feeling much better. Jonathan remained calm the whole time - he is amazing. He is truly the gift that his name personifies (gift of God). We both went back to sleep and awoke later to start our day.
To see my mother lying there of course brought back flashbacks of that faithful day back in 2013. Somewhat like the consecrated place I am with the Lord right now during this fast, I was endeavoring to give over my mornings to the Lord for quiet time. I had a real push inside me to make sure I got up early on the 14th of May to spend that time with him. In the midst of this quiet space, my mother's voice broke through, calling me to come downstairs. There was my dad, lodged between the bed and the wall, his leg burnt by the radiator, because he no longer had feeling in his extremities. From there was the start of a roller-coaster emotional trajectory that lasted from that point up until this past Sunday, before the fast.
In many ways, I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown, one that manifested in decisions and drinking and other behavior that took me away from where the Lord had been trying to take me prior to the event. Possibly, the seeds of this breakdown really started when I got connected to Kay. A lot of decisions I made in the wake of meeting and connecting with him were totally not of the Lord, but of my flesh, and I reaped the consequences. My dad's fall simply ignited what would be 5 of the most tumultuous years of my life. I sense the enemy was trying to get me off track again with my mom's fall today.
Father God, I know you are moving me back in step with you and your plans for my life and Jonathan's life. The enemy hates it. He wants me sitting every evening on the couch, downing wine and vodka gimlets, drowning out my worries and indecisiveness, keeping me discouraged and hopeless, with no direction or plan to get out.
However, this time, I'm not gonna fall for his tricks. I'm standing strong in the might of Jesus, and know that this is only the beginning of great days for my life and Jonathan's. Falling into step with you, Lord, is perfectly timed for this season of my life. I will not be derailed.
Yesterday, I watched a YouTube interview of TD Jakes about his book, SOAR with Steven Furtick of Elevation Church. The book addresses how to make your dream of a business, non-profit, whatever it is you feel called to do, come to pass in your life. It was fascinating and I learned a lot.
I'm seeing now that my idea for a non-profit that is funded through editing/proofreading work can happen. Father, you have massaged this idea and sculpted it into a bit of a different form from what I originally envisioned. Originally, it was purely a non-profit to route money to individuals in long-term Christian Service and providing a place of respite for them when they had sabbatical time.
Now I see that my gift of writing, editing, proofreading can be used to fund the foundation and be a place where I can share about the different organizations that I currently support and maybe find out about others who need a forum. Maybe providing specific help for missionaries and Christian workers who want to write devotionals, pamphlets, or books that highlight their experiences in the field.
Father, I need your wisdom and direction. I want this to work and to be prosperous. I would like to be able to give 80% of what is donated and live off of 20%. How do you make that happen? Please make it happen.
I need wisdom, Father, about a name, marketing, Web site, business cards, pricing. Enable me to develop a clear business plan. Show me where I can get start-up funding, if needed. Pour out your favor so that I get clients and am able to do a good work for them. Keep me accountable. Steer me the direction of mentors. Help me, Lord.
Above all, if this is not of you, than make that very clear to me. I want to do what You want me to do. Let me not get offtrack.
I'm depending on You alone. You alone, Father...
Friday, January 12, 2018
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Going to the next level
"Present my heart to the Lord and let Him heal it and not act crazy when He's scalping and fixing it."
The above quote is from an amazing teaching from the Prophet, Jennifer Eivaz: "The Heart of an Intercessor".
In it she talks about there being a next level for us where things are going to be restored and recovered, but not until we allow the Lord to do a healing in us. This spoke to me, for I know that I've not allowed Him to complete this kind of surgical healing in my life for all these 7-10 years. I've resorted to alcohol, medicating on TV, rage, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, isolation, bitterness, and controlling others.
There is a grace - and I stand it, and believe my Father is working on my behalf in response to it - yet, I still need to be healed from the inside out.
Father God - move the Holy Spirit to work a work of complete healing inside me - inside my heart. It has gotten so hard. I've found it difficult to empathize with others and their difficulties - even their pain, such as my mother and my father - their aches and pains - their complaints. Jonathan and situations he encounters socially. People dealing with financial issues like my sister-in-law, or emotional trauma, like Lolita, or Brandon when he was still living, Anthony and Alex, and many others. I find myself irritated by them rather than having a heart of love and care toward them. I receive the forgiveness that awaits me for all these trespasses, in the mighty name of Jesus. I thank you Father, for it. Heal my heart. Grant me a new heart of softness - one that displays the fruit of the Holy Spirit: Kindness, Gentleness, Love, Godliness, Self-Control. Keep me from bitterness and foulness of thought, action and words. May the meditation of my heart and the words from my mouth be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Enable me to pray for others rather than complain about them - to hold bitterness toward them. When I see myself rolling my eyes in response to a person's name, I know for sure that there is unforgiveness there. I still hold anger and resentment toward Kay. There is anger toward my dad because I don't believe he's done all he can to really get stronger so he's not bound to a wheelchair. There's anger toward my mother's bloodline and the fact that out of all her siblings, she's the one that had to be struck with memory issues. There's anger that I'm stuck caring for my parents - why couldn't they be self-sufficient like Ike and Jean or Joan and Sam.
Heal my heart, Lord, of this bitterness and anger towards these individuals. I pray blessings over their lives - that you pour out your love upon them. That they be strengthened by You, that You prosper them in every way. I've felt that Kay doesn't deserve more than what he has - that he really doesn't deserve what he has. That he's not a real man or a real husband or a real father. I've compared him to others on a regular basis and made sure that he always falls short. I resent that he's Jonathan's dad and the fact that he doesn't spend time with him and then I also rejoice in the fact that Jonathan doesn't really have a relationship with him, because of my dislike of his character and my perceptions of him as a person. I come now in the mighty name of Jesus and utterly destroy each and everyone of these foul thoughts toward Kay. I command now, in the name of Jesus, untold blessings of health, prosperity and wholeness in Kay's life. I declare and decree in the mighty name of Jesus that Kay is walking in a renewed, empowered relationship with Jesus Christ and that the outflow of this relationship will be restoration and strengthening of all of his family and work relationships and that he is stepping into a love affair with you like he has never before experienced in his life. Father, this is my prayer for my dad, as well...for my mother...for Lolita...for Tawana...for April...for Frank...for Anthony Chiles...for my nephew, Anthony...for Alex...for Maria...for Yoan...for Michael...for Abril...for all those dear to me, in the mighty name of Jesus.
I asked you earlier today to pour out a blessing in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that we would not be able to contain it. This is my prayer for each person mentioned above. As you heal them and bless them, continue to do your surgical, precise healing in me. I need it. I can't continue living without it.
In the name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN.
The above quote is from an amazing teaching from the Prophet, Jennifer Eivaz: "The Heart of an Intercessor".
In it she talks about there being a next level for us where things are going to be restored and recovered, but not until we allow the Lord to do a healing in us. This spoke to me, for I know that I've not allowed Him to complete this kind of surgical healing in my life for all these 7-10 years. I've resorted to alcohol, medicating on TV, rage, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, isolation, bitterness, and controlling others.
There is a grace - and I stand it, and believe my Father is working on my behalf in response to it - yet, I still need to be healed from the inside out.
Father God - move the Holy Spirit to work a work of complete healing inside me - inside my heart. It has gotten so hard. I've found it difficult to empathize with others and their difficulties - even their pain, such as my mother and my father - their aches and pains - their complaints. Jonathan and situations he encounters socially. People dealing with financial issues like my sister-in-law, or emotional trauma, like Lolita, or Brandon when he was still living, Anthony and Alex, and many others. I find myself irritated by them rather than having a heart of love and care toward them. I receive the forgiveness that awaits me for all these trespasses, in the mighty name of Jesus. I thank you Father, for it. Heal my heart. Grant me a new heart of softness - one that displays the fruit of the Holy Spirit: Kindness, Gentleness, Love, Godliness, Self-Control. Keep me from bitterness and foulness of thought, action and words. May the meditation of my heart and the words from my mouth be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Enable me to pray for others rather than complain about them - to hold bitterness toward them. When I see myself rolling my eyes in response to a person's name, I know for sure that there is unforgiveness there. I still hold anger and resentment toward Kay. There is anger toward my dad because I don't believe he's done all he can to really get stronger so he's not bound to a wheelchair. There's anger toward my mother's bloodline and the fact that out of all her siblings, she's the one that had to be struck with memory issues. There's anger that I'm stuck caring for my parents - why couldn't they be self-sufficient like Ike and Jean or Joan and Sam.
Heal my heart, Lord, of this bitterness and anger towards these individuals. I pray blessings over their lives - that you pour out your love upon them. That they be strengthened by You, that You prosper them in every way. I've felt that Kay doesn't deserve more than what he has - that he really doesn't deserve what he has. That he's not a real man or a real husband or a real father. I've compared him to others on a regular basis and made sure that he always falls short. I resent that he's Jonathan's dad and the fact that he doesn't spend time with him and then I also rejoice in the fact that Jonathan doesn't really have a relationship with him, because of my dislike of his character and my perceptions of him as a person. I come now in the mighty name of Jesus and utterly destroy each and everyone of these foul thoughts toward Kay. I command now, in the name of Jesus, untold blessings of health, prosperity and wholeness in Kay's life. I declare and decree in the mighty name of Jesus that Kay is walking in a renewed, empowered relationship with Jesus Christ and that the outflow of this relationship will be restoration and strengthening of all of his family and work relationships and that he is stepping into a love affair with you like he has never before experienced in his life. Father, this is my prayer for my dad, as well...for my mother...for Lolita...for Tawana...for April...for Frank...for Anthony Chiles...for my nephew, Anthony...for Alex...for Maria...for Yoan...for Michael...for Abril...for all those dear to me, in the mighty name of Jesus.
I asked you earlier today to pour out a blessing in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that we would not be able to contain it. This is my prayer for each person mentioned above. As you heal them and bless them, continue to do your surgical, precise healing in me. I need it. I can't continue living without it.
In the name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN.
21-Day Fast - Day 4 - Elixir
Venting is healthy. Not so much in the cursing, foul way that I do on the regular through my mouth - *sigh* - but simply having an avenue to express myself is a great relief. Why I stayed away from this blog for so long, I don't know.
Today I had another cursing, I'm sick and tired of this bulls*&^%t, session after getting yet another request for money from my sister-in-law. It's not so much the request. I want to help - it's a blessing to help. My specific spiritual gift is giving - particularly financial gifts. It's just that it feels like all I'm doing is giving and sowing and giving and sowing, but a tangible overflow back to me hasn't manifested itself. For me overflow is not necessarily a financial reward, but it would be maybe pipes not bursting or possums and squirrels not tearing up the house - cars not breaking down - roofs not requiring repair - a viable job that fits the pressing, personal responsibilities that I have - a job that I enjoy, that's flexible with good pay and benefits -- better - an answer to my truest desire: a Godly husband who says, "Don't worry about working outside the home. I got this!"
The reality is that I am blessed. I'm not in need or want. Things aren't perfect but nothing is perfect this side of heaven. However, it's pretty close to perfect. Everything we could possibly need we have and much more. EVERYTHING. I should have NO complaint whatsoever. In many ways, I still manifest the attitude of the son who stayed with the father while his prodigal brother went off with his inheritance and wasted it all on women and wine. I'm not always able to see HOW BLESSED I AM ALREADY and all that my Father has made available to me. It's a trick of satan and I fall for it all the time.
Why is it so hard to focus on what is already good in our lives? Why should giving someone money when they're in need cause me to be angry at God for not doing the "extra" that I want Him to do in my life. I'm able to give, even though my funds are low, because I don't have excessive rent, my mother is paying all of the utilities, my main expenses are groceries, car payment, gas, garbage pick-up, car insurance, tithes, offerings, hair, and recreation for me and Jonathan. I don't need much to live on. Kay's $500 per month goes a long way to help, as well. I could definitely get more for Jonathan, but it's enough. It's enough.
Father, help me to always see that I AM BLESSED and I AM BLESSED to BE A BLESSING. Whether abased or abounding, I need to be content, just like the Apostle Paul. We have our health, shelter, clothes on our back. Enough money to live on, to save and to give away. No, I'm not making 100K+ per year. Even when I did make that kind of money, I still felt like I didn't have enough! It's all perspective. I don't want to have a miser complex. I want to always be ready and willing to help someone when they are in need.
In any case, along with the fast, I was hoping to sow a single unemployment check (gross) in the month of January, which would be $677. I've given into the Haiti trip for our church- that was $100 and I plan to send my oldest friend's son, who is a college student, $100, and I've just sent my sister-in-law $500, so that covers that $677 seed, with a little extra on top.
My sweet, S. African friend Winsome, who I met in Paris (our friendship journey will require a whole post altogether) has been facing a lot of hardship over the past few years, which we thought was on its way to being remedied on her return to China for an ESL teaching assignment. The initial assignment did not work out as planned and she was in dire straits trying to find accommodations and another job. She was on the brink of giving up and going back to S. Africa. The Lord moved me to declare His word over her life - His promises - and to encourage her to believe for BIG things and that she would not have to go back to S. Africa. Two days later, she emails news of a great assignment, with great pay, and a travel and housing stipend, doing the kind of teaching she really wanted to do, smack dab in the middle of Beijing.
My sister-in-law's request today felt that much more sour because once again I saw the Lord move quickly in response to my intercession for someone else, yet my specific prayers remained unanswered.
However, I'm reminded now how Winsome always makes sure to attach a prayer request with her seed - whether a tithe or offering. I haven't done that. Over the past 6 months, the Lord has poured out a lot of financial seed through me into the lives of people around me. If I count all the seed of the past 20 years, it would be more than I could measure. He has flowed through me mightily to bless others.
Father, today, I'm bringing each and every offering back to your attention, particularly that which was given out in the past few months and in previous periods of my life, like while in Paris in 2014, when money was very low, but you still purposed for me to bless others with financial offerings.
Please see fit to POUR OUT A BLESSING in my and Jonathan's lives, so much so that there be not room enough to receive it (Malachi 3:10). Fulfill this promise in my life and this one, as well:
Father, I'm asking based on the grace that You're able to grant me by Jesus alone. Even my giving is by Jesus alone, not myself. So, reward His faithfulness in my life. Open the doors of heaven. Give me and Jonathan a suddenly blessing - cause us to shout out loud that you are a God who HEARS and who ANSWERS His children.
In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN!
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 3 - Aesthetically Pleasing
My prayer requests for this year and this fast includes Jonathan's acceptance into an all-boys Christian School located in Princeton called Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart. I discovered the school in a central jersey mag last summer while getting an oil change on my car. I had never heard of the school before and was fascinated with its mission, vision and focus on shaping the hearts and minds of young boys into young men. The school spoke to me and seemed to be a perfect fit for Jonathan, who has had some difficulties socially at his public school, though he is excelling academically.
I attended an open house in November, but arrived late and had to leave early due to Jonathan's Christmas Play rehearsal. I plan to attend another, shorter open house/seminar next Thursday. I hope to get some questions answered related to funding to attend, cause Lord knows I do not have the money right now to pay for the school and would require a substantial scholarship. This is where I need the favor of you, Father God, to move expediently on Jonathan's behalf... to first enable him to be accepted and then for all the funding required to be made available - every year that he attends, which I am believing for till 8th grade.
One of the highlights of the school is it's beautiful library:
It's even more beautiful in person. Just stunning.
It's a serene learning space that I would have loved to spend time reading in and exploring when I was Jonathan's age. We both are all about aesthetics. He's enchanted with the building and once he's living and breathing the vision of the school, I know in my heart that he will thrive there and obtain the tools to walk out what the You have envisioned for his life - what You, Father, have purposed him to become.
Speaking of aesthetics, I find that it feeds a lot of what brings me peace and comfort. I loved working at Brio Point, not just because of the job itself and working for Laurie, but in large part because of the calm and beautiful office setting. I still can't shake that expanse of windows next to my desk and even my desk itself - a large, draft-like table made of frosted glass. All day Adele music or Adele-like music flowed through the air and most of the time I was in the office alone. I gladly commuted there daily on sometimes congested 287 knowing that a place of peace was at the end of my journey.
The way a building feels and looks - how neat and clean - how much light bounces through and from it - the furnishings - the paint colors - all of that sings to me, either like a chorus of angels, if everything is done right, like the Brio Point office in Bedminister - or clangs, clangs, clangs like a loud, obnoxious gong, like - well, a friend's church building in Branchburg, as an example. The building exterior is unkempt as is the inside. The children's area a mess and the banquet area, well, a bit worn for the wear. It's dark and dank and just unappealing. The people there, however, are absolutely wonderful. And my friend and her husband are indeed very much relational, people-centric folks. They don't mind dust or a little clutter, crumbs on the floor or counter, things not just right - as long as there is joy, and laughter, and fellowship. So, for them, their church is awesome and when they visited Life Church, which is newer construction, and for me aesthetically beautiful in a post-modern, industrial way, it didn't resonate at all with them. I believe they felt the same level of love and warmth they receive at their church, but in an all out comparison, they were still trying to recruit me and Jonathan to attend where they go. No. I'll take the warm and loving fellowship that I receive at Life Church WITH great lighting, beautiful, open, spaces, and bathrooms that are very clean, spacious, and modern.
That's just me.
I have an interview for a job next week for an organization called Center for Supportive Schools. It's an awesome org that provides tools and programs that promote and encourage students to remain and excel in school, graduate and obtain post-secondary education, despite obstacles they might face in and outside the school. The programs assists students, school administrations and families and I would join the team as an Administrative and Finance Associate for an FDA funded Tobacco Inspection Program (focused on reducing the number of young adults purchasing tobacco products and starting to use them). I would love to get this job, Father, though, as related to you yesterday, not working outside the home would be my number one pick 😀. Nonetheless, I took a drive out to the offices today to make sure I could find the place and was overjoyed by the location and the buildings themselves. Yes, very, very aesthetically pleasing. It's located in a business park with Georgian style building, not cold corporate offices. A lot of places to stroll around and close to businesses in the Montgomery area. But what really made it special was just how close the office is to Princeton Academy and the location where I would like us to relocate, if possible: Hopewell, NJ. From Hopewell to the school is about 10 minutes and then about another 10 minutes from the school to the office. It would be perfect.
I just need to get the job, first. Then Jonathan accepted to the school.
Then funding for the school.
Then an affordable place to live in Hopewell, since the salary will be...
I don't even want to mention it.
It's incredibly meaningful work, though. And that's important. If the dream dream is still a bit off, then meaningful work in the interim is of utmost importance to me - salary be damned.
I'm counting on You, Father. With You all things are possible. I'm believing You will make a WAY!
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
21-Day Fast - Day 2 - Anger Management
Lot's of handling other people's business for me today, which always, sadly, rubs me the wrong way - makes me anxious, agitated, irritated and simply foul. I constantly have to question if I am truly a child of the living God and Bible saved, due to the words that come out of my mouth, the grimace implanted on my face, the wicked thoughts in my head, and sometimes nasty things that I do to others. Today the negativity spilled out while rushing around to meet up with my dad at his urology appointment, sitting through the appointment with him and then running out to Macy's to get my mom make-up and hopefully getting back to Somerset in time to pick Jonathan up at the bus stop. Of course, on the way home from Macy's, I hit a traffic jam caused by, I believe, an accident (due to the firetrucks and EMT vehicles that whizzed by us - I pray that everyone was okay). I was livid. Just disgusted and voiced my disgust all the way from Macy's till I eventually got home.
My agitation was made that much more significant due to my pride getting the better of me. When I realized I wouldn't get to the bus stop by 3:25, I had to humble myself and call sweet Joanne, the grandmother of a young girl at our same bus stop, to see if she could take Jonathan home because I was delayed. She sweetly agreed to do so, even though Emma hadn't gone to school that day and was home sick. Ugh! I ABSOLUTELY HATE putting people out or asking for favors or asking for help, period. Yes, pride, pride, pride, pride. Though I really think it's rooted more in selfishness cause I hate having to do anyone else favors too - hence the agitation described above related to the stuff I needed to do for my parents today...stuff that I should count as a blessing because they are both here, living and breathing to Help! I should also have simply counted it a blessing to have Joanne to call and for her willingness to help. Yet, time and time again, my flesh and its self-centeredness gets the VERY BEST OF ME.
By the way: My outbursts were a complete waste of time. Why? Jonathan's bus broke down, so they were delayed leaving the school. When I got home, I noticed another neighbor's car was still at the bus stop, so I drove to it, and lo and behold, Joanne was sitting there with her husband, still waiting for Jonathan. I thanked her profusely and they went on their way while I sat another 10 minutes. The bus didn't arrive until almost 4 PM. Don't tell me our Father doesn't have a sense of humor...
Nonetheless, this pride/selfishness thing really is a burden. I sometimes believe that I simply lived too many years alone and spent quite a bit too much time even as a youngster alone. It made me incredibly self-sufficient, stingy with space and time, and self-centered. I've been on a 10 year scrubbing by the Lord to scrape all that off of me. I talked in my last post about the Lord having a specific purpose for me to move back to NJ. Right now I'm believing it simply was this scourging work that still hasn't been completed - heck, I'm not sure the first layer has been scrubbed off yet. I went from having at most discontent with my job and weight/self-image issues - oh, and not being in love/with a boyfriend/or married - as my primary issues in life, to getting knocked up outside of wedlock, caring for a child alone, than bearing primary responsibility for elderly parents, one with memory loss, and the other in nursing care due to mobility issues, and a rickety rackety old house that constantly requires repairs - on top of that, poor life decisions have me living paycheck to paycheck and essentially without any real plan in place to get up out of where I'm at so that everyone is in a much better place, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.
But maybe this was God's plan after all. To take me from a place of great self-sufficiency, where I didn't have to worry about anyone - where my parents were cool - I had no child to care for - and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted to a place where folks are depending on me and I would have to be forced to depend on others from time to time.
I HATE IT!!
And I'm not sure what this scourging will achieve in the long run. So far, I'm no more able to deal with these responsibilities than I was 7 years ago when they first started to rear their heads in my life. In fact, I feel even more out of control and vulnerable to breakdown and upset. I know the Lord is the answer. "Come ye all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you strength". Yes, I know this word and I know it's true, yet...yet...yet...
Today's devotion from Tim Cooper was about truly stepping into the grace of God for our lives. To ask for bold, big things that WE DO NOT DESERVE. Based on my poor behavior, my foul mouth, my anxious, fearful, dreadful thoughts, my discontent, my anger, my resentment, and every other ugly thing you can think of, I'm having a hard time imagining how I can believe God to give me the deep desires of my heart or for Him to speedily fulfill His word in my life.
However, that is grace: giving us way more than what we deserve. Mercy on the other hand is not taking me out based on what foul things I've done - and Lord knows He has given me MUCH mercy. But grace? Have I really, truly tapped into it?
I still find myself feeling unworthy to be granted anything good - and that of course my prayers haven't been answered because I don't know how to act right and mess up so much. What kind of woman of God are you, anyway? If people could see how you REALLY are?? For sure God does, so do you really think He wants to do anything good for you??!
Romans 5:8 -But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Hmm...yes, the word does say that. So, if our Father would be willing to give up His son to a horrifying death even while we were still sinners, why should I doubt that once saved He would not still grant me more of this grace:
Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
True dat😉.
Tim went on to say that we need to do as Paul encouraged the Hebrews:
Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
What do I need? No, what do I want that the Lord almighty knows I do not deserve?
Yesterday, I said I wouldn't write my current prayer requests in this blog, but heck, Tim has encouraged me to step it up, especially in light of how UNWORTHY I KNOW I AM. So here I go:
I don't want a job outside the home, Father. Grant me, by Jesus, marriage to a genuinely Godly man, not unlike Dave Meyer, who loves me as Christ loves the church, who is spirit-filled, a giver, handsome to me, healthy and in shape, wears glasses, and comes from a sane, neat, loving family, and who loves Jonathan as if he is his very own son - loves and cares for him VERY well - and is a great example of what it means to be a man of God striving for excellence in his walk with the Lord and his interactions with others. Grant us, by Jesus, a passionate, marriage that gets better over time, and enable us together to bring more Glory to you, Father, than either of us could ever manage alone. Enable and give me over to caring for this man, our home, our children and our parents as my primary vocation. Grant this to me in this calendar year, 2018. I already have the dress!
Open the door WIDE OPEN for Jonathan to be accepted to and to attend Princeton Academy, starting in September 2018, by Jesus.
Move my mother to agreement to sell this house and to move into assisted living and give us a buyer of this home who will pay top dollar, whether for redevelopment or to live. Make my mother's transition to assisted living one that is full of peace and not dread. Grant her comfort there, in the mighty name of Jesus! Enable all of this to take place before the end of the summer of 2018.
Bless us (Jonathan, my husband and I) with a lovely, warm, inviting home, on a big plot of beautiful land, but still near amenities, like parks and shopping, with a small town feel and a main street, good running routes for me, and kids to play with for Jonathan, and big enough to open up for ministry - such as small women's retreats or providing respite space for missionaries and others in long-term Christian service, a place where we can entertain indoors and out and that we can afford on my husband's salary alone. Make him a man of means, who prospers greatly in his vocation, so that we always have more than enough to live on, to save and to give away!
Fulfill the word you audibly spoke to me in August 2015, Father. This is between You and me. I heard you. I heard You clearly. I know it was You and I know You are able to do it.
I ask all these things, even in the wake of my actions, words and thoughts today - even only a few minutes ago when I had to help my mom find the make-up she misplaced that I just brought for her earlier today (yes, I was agitated and didn't go about helping her in a loving, sweet way - *sigh*) - in the mighty and precious name of Jesus Christ, by whom I can receive all things from the Father. Only BELIEVE and RECEIVE.
AMEN!
My agitation was made that much more significant due to my pride getting the better of me. When I realized I wouldn't get to the bus stop by 3:25, I had to humble myself and call sweet Joanne, the grandmother of a young girl at our same bus stop, to see if she could take Jonathan home because I was delayed. She sweetly agreed to do so, even though Emma hadn't gone to school that day and was home sick. Ugh! I ABSOLUTELY HATE putting people out or asking for favors or asking for help, period. Yes, pride, pride, pride, pride. Though I really think it's rooted more in selfishness cause I hate having to do anyone else favors too - hence the agitation described above related to the stuff I needed to do for my parents today...stuff that I should count as a blessing because they are both here, living and breathing to Help! I should also have simply counted it a blessing to have Joanne to call and for her willingness to help. Yet, time and time again, my flesh and its self-centeredness gets the VERY BEST OF ME.
By the way: My outbursts were a complete waste of time. Why? Jonathan's bus broke down, so they were delayed leaving the school. When I got home, I noticed another neighbor's car was still at the bus stop, so I drove to it, and lo and behold, Joanne was sitting there with her husband, still waiting for Jonathan. I thanked her profusely and they went on their way while I sat another 10 minutes. The bus didn't arrive until almost 4 PM. Don't tell me our Father doesn't have a sense of humor...
Nonetheless, this pride/selfishness thing really is a burden. I sometimes believe that I simply lived too many years alone and spent quite a bit too much time even as a youngster alone. It made me incredibly self-sufficient, stingy with space and time, and self-centered. I've been on a 10 year scrubbing by the Lord to scrape all that off of me. I talked in my last post about the Lord having a specific purpose for me to move back to NJ. Right now I'm believing it simply was this scourging work that still hasn't been completed - heck, I'm not sure the first layer has been scrubbed off yet. I went from having at most discontent with my job and weight/self-image issues - oh, and not being in love/with a boyfriend/or married - as my primary issues in life, to getting knocked up outside of wedlock, caring for a child alone, than bearing primary responsibility for elderly parents, one with memory loss, and the other in nursing care due to mobility issues, and a rickety rackety old house that constantly requires repairs - on top of that, poor life decisions have me living paycheck to paycheck and essentially without any real plan in place to get up out of where I'm at so that everyone is in a much better place, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.
But maybe this was God's plan after all. To take me from a place of great self-sufficiency, where I didn't have to worry about anyone - where my parents were cool - I had no child to care for - and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted to a place where folks are depending on me and I would have to be forced to depend on others from time to time.
I HATE IT!!
And I'm not sure what this scourging will achieve in the long run. So far, I'm no more able to deal with these responsibilities than I was 7 years ago when they first started to rear their heads in my life. In fact, I feel even more out of control and vulnerable to breakdown and upset. I know the Lord is the answer. "Come ye all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you strength". Yes, I know this word and I know it's true, yet...yet...yet...
Today's devotion from Tim Cooper was about truly stepping into the grace of God for our lives. To ask for bold, big things that WE DO NOT DESERVE. Based on my poor behavior, my foul mouth, my anxious, fearful, dreadful thoughts, my discontent, my anger, my resentment, and every other ugly thing you can think of, I'm having a hard time imagining how I can believe God to give me the deep desires of my heart or for Him to speedily fulfill His word in my life.
However, that is grace: giving us way more than what we deserve. Mercy on the other hand is not taking me out based on what foul things I've done - and Lord knows He has given me MUCH mercy. But grace? Have I really, truly tapped into it?
I still find myself feeling unworthy to be granted anything good - and that of course my prayers haven't been answered because I don't know how to act right and mess up so much. What kind of woman of God are you, anyway? If people could see how you REALLY are?? For sure God does, so do you really think He wants to do anything good for you??!
Romans 5:8 -But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Hmm...yes, the word does say that. So, if our Father would be willing to give up His son to a horrifying death even while we were still sinners, why should I doubt that once saved He would not still grant me more of this grace:
Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
True dat😉.
Tim went on to say that we need to do as Paul encouraged the Hebrews:
Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
What do I need? No, what do I want that the Lord almighty knows I do not deserve?
Yesterday, I said I wouldn't write my current prayer requests in this blog, but heck, Tim has encouraged me to step it up, especially in light of how UNWORTHY I KNOW I AM. So here I go:
I don't want a job outside the home, Father. Grant me, by Jesus, marriage to a genuinely Godly man, not unlike Dave Meyer, who loves me as Christ loves the church, who is spirit-filled, a giver, handsome to me, healthy and in shape, wears glasses, and comes from a sane, neat, loving family, and who loves Jonathan as if he is his very own son - loves and cares for him VERY well - and is a great example of what it means to be a man of God striving for excellence in his walk with the Lord and his interactions with others. Grant us, by Jesus, a passionate, marriage that gets better over time, and enable us together to bring more Glory to you, Father, than either of us could ever manage alone. Enable and give me over to caring for this man, our home, our children and our parents as my primary vocation. Grant this to me in this calendar year, 2018. I already have the dress!
Open the door WIDE OPEN for Jonathan to be accepted to and to attend Princeton Academy, starting in September 2018, by Jesus.
Move my mother to agreement to sell this house and to move into assisted living and give us a buyer of this home who will pay top dollar, whether for redevelopment or to live. Make my mother's transition to assisted living one that is full of peace and not dread. Grant her comfort there, in the mighty name of Jesus! Enable all of this to take place before the end of the summer of 2018.
Bless us (Jonathan, my husband and I) with a lovely, warm, inviting home, on a big plot of beautiful land, but still near amenities, like parks and shopping, with a small town feel and a main street, good running routes for me, and kids to play with for Jonathan, and big enough to open up for ministry - such as small women's retreats or providing respite space for missionaries and others in long-term Christian service, a place where we can entertain indoors and out and that we can afford on my husband's salary alone. Make him a man of means, who prospers greatly in his vocation, so that we always have more than enough to live on, to save and to give away!
Fulfill the word you audibly spoke to me in August 2015, Father. This is between You and me. I heard you. I heard You clearly. I know it was You and I know You are able to do it.
I ask all these things, even in the wake of my actions, words and thoughts today - even only a few minutes ago when I had to help my mom find the make-up she misplaced that I just brought for her earlier today (yes, I was agitated and didn't go about helping her in a loving, sweet way - *sigh*) - in the mighty and precious name of Jesus Christ, by whom I can receive all things from the Father. Only BELIEVE and RECEIVE.
AMEN!
Monday, January 8, 2018
21 Day Fast - Day 1
I didn't mention yesterday that Jonathan and I started attending a new church in Dayton, NJ after returning from Paris in 2015. It's a small, family-friendly, multi-cultural church formally called Abundant Life Church, but because there are so many Abundant Life Churches across the country and particularly in NJ, they changed the name to Life Church this year. And there is a lot of life and love in the church.
While in Paris, I looked into the church after a friend's brother mentioned visiting it in 2014. He said the congregation was so friendly and he was impressed by how the pastor and his wife remembered his name after only one visit. I checked out the Web site and listened to a couple of sermons. I was impressed by the teachings and even moreso by their commitment to missions and the community.
I knew I wanted Jonathan and I to find a smaller church where I would physically be in the same room with my pastor and his family on a weekly basis. Liquid Church was getting too big and I felt disconnected, despite my lovely group of ladies that were in my small group there and who I still connect with on a regular basis since leaving Liquid. Life Church offered us what I'd be longing to have in a church family. I've made great friends there and so has Jonathan and the children's ministry is wonderful. In addition, they have a great boy's ministry called Royal Rangers and I was able to get Jonathan into about a year earlier than normal (at age 5 rather than 6). It's like a Christian Boy's Scout and is led by a wonderful, dedicated man of God, who has been mentoring and leading the troop since the 80s. Royal Rangers might be the best thing about Life Church. For a young boy who does not have regular contact with his father, it's a huge HUGE blessing.
They also support a missionary in Haiti and have been doing so for over 20 years and send a team there every January to minister and simply meet with the families, teachers and the many children that the missionary, Ed Lockett, blesses through his sacrifice and calling to the area. I haven't gone on a trip yet. When it comes to short term missions, I prefer to have something tangible to do, like construction, medical service, etc.. The team typically goes around and visits with families and schools - bringing supplies and money and fellowshipping. A lot of time is spent just being with the children from the community that Ed blesses in his home. I'm not much of a sit around and just fellowship kind of person and really don't love spending a lot of time with kids that aren't Jonathan, so.... Nonetheless, when Jonathan is of age, I believe I will make the Haiti trip with him and hopefully will do other more service-oriented short term missions trips with him before he's a teenager.
Anyway, that's all the back story to the fast that the church actually started yesterday but I'm starting today. I needed to get rid of the last of the alcohol in the house last night😇, which I gladly did, and do a final night of watching my law & order re-runs and simply vegging out in front of the tv until 1 am in the morning.
So today marks the first time in years that I'm giving over myself to quiet and rest in Jesus. I am desperate to find a place of peace that doesn't require a cocktail or wine or mindless TV watching.
I'm not sure if I have any specific prayer requests. I know it's important to lay out before the Lord your specific needs before a fast. It's just that I feel I have so many and at the same time, not really any of true importance.
I talked with Him last week about simply wanting Him to lead and direct and that I'm done trying to figure stuff out. So maybe that's the primary need I want Him to fulfill during this fast: Removing my mind and hands off my life and the lives of those around me. So far He's been doing an outstanding job with Jonathan, despite all the ways I mess up, through action, word and thought. Jonathan is articulate, polite, sanguine, jolly, funny, smart and - well - the love of my life. He's also prone to angry outbursts (usually Kindle induced), stubbornness, disobedience (why can't he follow simple instructions?!) and boy can he be loud and sometimes TOO talkative! But I love all of it - frustrated by some of it - but grateful for all that he is and how the Lord is shaping him into the man he is purposed to become.
I no longer want to figure out what my career should be, where we should or should not live, how to care for this house, how to care for my parents, whether or not we sell this house and my mom go into assistant living, whether or not I have enough money, where Jonathan goes to school - nothing. I want to be completely beholden to the Lord God Almighty and led by Him. I want Him to download daily, moment by moment instructions and then enable me to carry them out. I want to be free of me and let Him do what He said He would do for me if I seek Him and believe that He exists: Richly reward me - richly reward Jonathan.
Do I still have dreams? Yes, yes I do. I mainly want Him to fulfill those words spoken to me over these past five years - whether audibly or through scripture, sermons, devotions. I won't write them here. It's between me and Him. Probably a few of the older ones are documented in earlier entries (2014 and earlier). There is one in particular that was quite specific, audibly given to me in 2015, but has yet to come to pass, and if it does or should i say, when it does, would be quite a miracle and testimony of His power and grace in my life.
Other dreams have died. I don't plan on trying to pull them back into this life. Maybe they'll be manifest in Jonathan's life. I don't know.
Quite a few dreams have been fulfilled: AmeriCorps VISTA, living abroad, running a marathon, bearing a son. It is these fulfilled dreams that enable me to believe that even what seems impossible can be made possible by the power of my living, breathing, wonderful Father in Heaven.
So, what I want for this fast I suppose distills down to having more of the Father - not running away from Him again. And it's a request that the enemy has fought to keep from me for most of my life but particularly these almost 10 years since making the decision to move back to NJ in Christmas 2008.
That was a God-ordained decision and I believe in it were to be blessings untold. And maybe in all the sadness and loss and regret, save Jonathan's birth and my dad's survival after that devastating fall, His calling back to NJ was manifest. Yet, I believe there was much, much, much more that He had for me here that those pivotal moments in my life sort of derailed (getting re-involved with Kay in 2011 after Jonathan's birth and then possibly, I believe now, suffering a bit of a nervous breakdown after my dad's fall and the myriad of changes and responsibilities and sometimes, yes, burdens, laid on me in the wake of it). I've been floundering - not really able to get a firm footing - and then simply giving over myself to what was an easy way to handle it all: booze and more booze - more and more as the years progressed.
I went for my run today after almost a week of not being able to get out there since the arctic burst and blizzard. It was cold but wonderful. I thank God for the gift of running. It is one of the things I hold onto, along with the many dreams He has fulfilled in my life, that tells me that in the midst of all my sin and forsaking Him, He is the giver of good things to His children.
He gave me Jonathan out of a poor decision of sexual sin on my part with a married man...
He brought me home to NJ to be there for my mother when my father's injury occurred, though I originally had other plans for my life in NJ and post NJ; ulterior motives so to speak...
He blessed me with a renewed relationship with my brother after my return to NJ - a few years to get to know one another as adults before the Lord decided to take Him home and away from the pain and angst he suffered for most of his life...
He gifted me with a love of Paris and quality time spent there, learning the city and being all that I am, without shame, and doing so with Jonathan...
He gave me running and released me from the burden of excess weight - reversing the curse of menopause, renewing my youth, and invigorating my life...
I still have a ways to go. He's working on me. bit by bit.
So I suppose what I most need, Father, is for You to make this fast a way to accelerate moving me back to that original purpose You had when you ordained that I come back to NJ. Open doors and lead me rightly, equip and enable me to walk it out. And move me to readily stand in the authority granted to me by Christ to withstand the angry darts of the enemy. He doesn't want me to move into what You've had for me - waiting for me - since 2008. He doesn't want it because He knows that within it is something - many things - that will bring you tremendous glory and me tremendous joy, satisfaction, peace and FULFILLMENT - here on earth - not out somewhere in the future by and by. Here and now - starting here and now.
Have your way o Lord.
While in Paris, I looked into the church after a friend's brother mentioned visiting it in 2014. He said the congregation was so friendly and he was impressed by how the pastor and his wife remembered his name after only one visit. I checked out the Web site and listened to a couple of sermons. I was impressed by the teachings and even moreso by their commitment to missions and the community.
I knew I wanted Jonathan and I to find a smaller church where I would physically be in the same room with my pastor and his family on a weekly basis. Liquid Church was getting too big and I felt disconnected, despite my lovely group of ladies that were in my small group there and who I still connect with on a regular basis since leaving Liquid. Life Church offered us what I'd be longing to have in a church family. I've made great friends there and so has Jonathan and the children's ministry is wonderful. In addition, they have a great boy's ministry called Royal Rangers and I was able to get Jonathan into about a year earlier than normal (at age 5 rather than 6). It's like a Christian Boy's Scout and is led by a wonderful, dedicated man of God, who has been mentoring and leading the troop since the 80s. Royal Rangers might be the best thing about Life Church. For a young boy who does not have regular contact with his father, it's a huge HUGE blessing.
They also support a missionary in Haiti and have been doing so for over 20 years and send a team there every January to minister and simply meet with the families, teachers and the many children that the missionary, Ed Lockett, blesses through his sacrifice and calling to the area. I haven't gone on a trip yet. When it comes to short term missions, I prefer to have something tangible to do, like construction, medical service, etc.. The team typically goes around and visits with families and schools - bringing supplies and money and fellowshipping. A lot of time is spent just being with the children from the community that Ed blesses in his home. I'm not much of a sit around and just fellowship kind of person and really don't love spending a lot of time with kids that aren't Jonathan, so.... Nonetheless, when Jonathan is of age, I believe I will make the Haiti trip with him and hopefully will do other more service-oriented short term missions trips with him before he's a teenager.
Anyway, that's all the back story to the fast that the church actually started yesterday but I'm starting today. I needed to get rid of the last of the alcohol in the house last night😇, which I gladly did, and do a final night of watching my law & order re-runs and simply vegging out in front of the tv until 1 am in the morning.
So today marks the first time in years that I'm giving over myself to quiet and rest in Jesus. I am desperate to find a place of peace that doesn't require a cocktail or wine or mindless TV watching.
I'm not sure if I have any specific prayer requests. I know it's important to lay out before the Lord your specific needs before a fast. It's just that I feel I have so many and at the same time, not really any of true importance.
I talked with Him last week about simply wanting Him to lead and direct and that I'm done trying to figure stuff out. So maybe that's the primary need I want Him to fulfill during this fast: Removing my mind and hands off my life and the lives of those around me. So far He's been doing an outstanding job with Jonathan, despite all the ways I mess up, through action, word and thought. Jonathan is articulate, polite, sanguine, jolly, funny, smart and - well - the love of my life. He's also prone to angry outbursts (usually Kindle induced), stubbornness, disobedience (why can't he follow simple instructions?!) and boy can he be loud and sometimes TOO talkative! But I love all of it - frustrated by some of it - but grateful for all that he is and how the Lord is shaping him into the man he is purposed to become.
I no longer want to figure out what my career should be, where we should or should not live, how to care for this house, how to care for my parents, whether or not we sell this house and my mom go into assistant living, whether or not I have enough money, where Jonathan goes to school - nothing. I want to be completely beholden to the Lord God Almighty and led by Him. I want Him to download daily, moment by moment instructions and then enable me to carry them out. I want to be free of me and let Him do what He said He would do for me if I seek Him and believe that He exists: Richly reward me - richly reward Jonathan.
Do I still have dreams? Yes, yes I do. I mainly want Him to fulfill those words spoken to me over these past five years - whether audibly or through scripture, sermons, devotions. I won't write them here. It's between me and Him. Probably a few of the older ones are documented in earlier entries (2014 and earlier). There is one in particular that was quite specific, audibly given to me in 2015, but has yet to come to pass, and if it does or should i say, when it does, would be quite a miracle and testimony of His power and grace in my life.
Other dreams have died. I don't plan on trying to pull them back into this life. Maybe they'll be manifest in Jonathan's life. I don't know.
Quite a few dreams have been fulfilled: AmeriCorps VISTA, living abroad, running a marathon, bearing a son. It is these fulfilled dreams that enable me to believe that even what seems impossible can be made possible by the power of my living, breathing, wonderful Father in Heaven.
So, what I want for this fast I suppose distills down to having more of the Father - not running away from Him again. And it's a request that the enemy has fought to keep from me for most of my life but particularly these almost 10 years since making the decision to move back to NJ in Christmas 2008.
That was a God-ordained decision and I believe in it were to be blessings untold. And maybe in all the sadness and loss and regret, save Jonathan's birth and my dad's survival after that devastating fall, His calling back to NJ was manifest. Yet, I believe there was much, much, much more that He had for me here that those pivotal moments in my life sort of derailed (getting re-involved with Kay in 2011 after Jonathan's birth and then possibly, I believe now, suffering a bit of a nervous breakdown after my dad's fall and the myriad of changes and responsibilities and sometimes, yes, burdens, laid on me in the wake of it). I've been floundering - not really able to get a firm footing - and then simply giving over myself to what was an easy way to handle it all: booze and more booze - more and more as the years progressed.
I went for my run today after almost a week of not being able to get out there since the arctic burst and blizzard. It was cold but wonderful. I thank God for the gift of running. It is one of the things I hold onto, along with the many dreams He has fulfilled in my life, that tells me that in the midst of all my sin and forsaking Him, He is the giver of good things to His children.
He gave me Jonathan out of a poor decision of sexual sin on my part with a married man...
He brought me home to NJ to be there for my mother when my father's injury occurred, though I originally had other plans for my life in NJ and post NJ; ulterior motives so to speak...
He blessed me with a renewed relationship with my brother after my return to NJ - a few years to get to know one another as adults before the Lord decided to take Him home and away from the pain and angst he suffered for most of his life...
He gifted me with a love of Paris and quality time spent there, learning the city and being all that I am, without shame, and doing so with Jonathan...
He gave me running and released me from the burden of excess weight - reversing the curse of menopause, renewing my youth, and invigorating my life...
I still have a ways to go. He's working on me. bit by bit.
So I suppose what I most need, Father, is for You to make this fast a way to accelerate moving me back to that original purpose You had when you ordained that I come back to NJ. Open doors and lead me rightly, equip and enable me to walk it out. And move me to readily stand in the authority granted to me by Christ to withstand the angry darts of the enemy. He doesn't want me to move into what You've had for me - waiting for me - since 2008. He doesn't want it because He knows that within it is something - many things - that will bring you tremendous glory and me tremendous joy, satisfaction, peace and FULFILLMENT - here on earth - not out somewhere in the future by and by. Here and now - starting here and now.
Have your way o Lord.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
I'm back...
It seems appropriate to post a picture of the Eiffel Tower in this, my first post since May 2014 - a few months before my fateful journey with Jonathan to live in the city of lights and pursue what ended up being an aborted attempt at an MBA.
Our travails are described in the Paris...really? blog, so no need to go into them here. Needless to say, we returned in January 2015. I was jobless for a few months and then got a gig at Labyrinth Books in Princeton. Hated it. Ended up later in the year as a Firm Administrator at a small accounting firm based in Bedminster that I really enjoyed. We worked out of a lovely, light-filled office, windows across the whole side of the space, a group of "Designing Women" huddled above us on the top floor. My boss was a pretty, astute, incredibly talented half-Mexican accountant who had pulled herself out of poverty and teenage pregnancy in the Los Angeles area, to a self-paid undergraduate and graduate degree in accounting, becoming a CPA and then starting her own business on the East Coast - in a loving relationship with a talented engineer and contractor from Peru, both raising a beautiful little girl together in this awesome home in Piscataway. I made $14 and hour and enjoyed every minute of the job and learned a lot. In addition, I almost, due to my several years of not really making any money after leaving IBM, moved into a brand new low-income, three story townhome apartment in GREATEST school district, Montgomery New Jersey, before getting an email from a couple of old IBM colleagues about a Project Manager contract job with Intuit Inc. I applied, interviewed and got the gig. I went from $14 an hour to $57 an hour within a couple of weeks. Strangely enough, when I told my accountant boss that I would be leaving for this contract gig, she informed me that she too was interviewing for CFO jobs and actually ended up getting an assistant CFO job at a design firm in Princeton about a month after I left. She closed up shop and left the light-filled office behind for a more stable 9-5 gig and the opportunity to add another child to the family (which they did in September 2017 - a beautiful little boy).
So, here I was - back in IT, making good money, working with a lot of my old IBM chums. Even pulled my oldest IBM buddy into the company via a contract gig (he had been among the many laid off in 2013 after I resigned in January of that year - thus missing out on what has been reported to be a very nice exit package...). His contract ended like mine, but he's going back in a couple of weeks for another 18 months, and I hope and pray, an eventual permanent gig.
As for me and Intuit? Well, as usual, I didn't really enjoy the work. Loved the people I was working with, but came to the end of the contract knowing that I was THROUGH with IT project management. I mean, listen, I'm almost once again going to have a probation year with my PMP certification because I don't have enough professional development units. I need 45 by March! That speaks enough to my disenchantment with the profession and lack of passion for it.
And yet, I'm at another impasse. What do I do with the rest of my life?
I can say that the Intuit job and working from home again was a particular blessing - and not just the great money. How? Well, the Lord opened the door for me in July 2017 to join a fitness club called Kinetics, in Highland Park, NJ. It was life changing. I did a 21-Day Little Black Dress challenge. I had already signed up earlier in the year to run the Paris Marathon in April 2017 - one month before my 50th birthday. This was done to put some traction of my dream to run a marathon before I turned 50. Kinetics put me on track to fulfill that goal. I lost 10 lbs during the challenge and started running again in September, and hard core training in October.
The Eiffel Tower picture above was taken about a week after the marathon in April 2017. Yes, I ran it, on Sunday, April 9, 2017 - on a sunny, unexpectedly warm day in Paris, France. It was the return trip I had hungered for after the debacle of our first journey there. The journey didn't lack drama, however.
I had rented a lovely apartment in the 4th eme only to not be able to use the key to open the lock. We tried for about 30 minutes with no luck. So, I had to run around to find another place to stay on short notice. The Lord blessed us with a beautiful hotel in the 1st eme, near the Louvre, with a wonderful and loving staff. All in all it worked out for the best.
I also fell ill the week before the race and was unable to do any running after that Monday before we left. I had hives, severe chest congestion and then got my period, 5 days early! So, I ran under the weather, with a full-on menstrual cycle flowing, coughing the whole way! God is good. I finished and RAN THE FULL 26.2 miles! I finished in 6 hours 17 minutes. It was magical.
I had only done two half-marathons in the month before the race. I'd never gotten to run at least 18 to 20 miles so my body took a beating. I could barely move after the race. And the following day I got sick again and lost my voice. So the week after was a bit slow going, but Paris was still lovely. Jonathan and I had such a beautiful time.
We went to all our old haunts, celebrated good Friday at the Sacre Couer, met up with Darryl Morris (my first boyfriend) in London on Easter, spent two AWESOME days at Paris Disney, connected with a sweet Belgium friend, Sadie, in the 19th and simply spent several wonderful days in our old home town of the 19th, visiting Jonathan's school and seeing all of the beautiful teachers and staff who worked there.
Oh, let me not forget - the Lord blessed me with former ISM schoolmate, Missy Strong, who watched Jonathan during the race and who was there when I fainted on the subway AFTER the race. Yes, fainted. Like I said, I didn't do the hard hard training I should have before the race nor did I eat enough sugar/get glucose during the race, so my body responded accordingly. Praise God He got me back up and the worst that I experienced after were the body aches and that respiratory infection that took my voice for a few days.
All in all, I ended up losing close to 50 lbs, but put back on about 8, which I needed to - I'd gotten too skinny. However, I'm back to my fighting weight and I am a legitimate runner now. I LOVE IT!! My next marathon is the NJ Marathon at the beginning of May 2018. I plan to do one every year until the Lord brings me home to Him.
So, it's been an eventful 4 years almost (and there are lots of other things I haven't brought up, but will discuss in later posts) -- but as I stated above, I'm still at a sort of impasse. Been searching for a new gig since leaving Intuit. Nothing firm has come up. My desire to work in the non-profit realm has resurfaced, so I've focused my search there. I also have a strong desire to be in the Princeton area so that Jonathan and I can move there and he can attend this amazing all boys, Christian school called Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart. It seems built just for him. I know he would thrive there.
Of course, there's still my mom and dad to think of. More about them later...
Anyway, I'm returning to this blog because today marks what I'm hoping to be the true 2nd half of my life. In all that has been great in the past year, vestiges of the pain of my life over the past 10 years or so, especially since 2013 have continued to plague me. There has been great personal loss as well - including my brother Brandon, who passed in July 2017 and our sweet family friend, Norman Bailey, who passed in June and April's mom, who passed in September (more about these individuals in later posts). More and more loss along with the many things still not restored that were lost, broken or stolen in previous years.
My solution thus far: I've medicated more than necessary on alcohol, using that as my elixir more than the true elixir Jesus. That ends today.
Our church starts a church wide fast today - from now until 1/27/2018. Strangely enough, if you add up 1+7+2+-+1+8 it equals 9, which is the biblical number for fruit of the spirit...divine completeness from the Father. Adding 1+2+7+2+0+1+8 equals 1, which means unity and new beginnings.
So, I'm believing that God has ordained today as the completion of several years of a mix of not so good stuff (too much) with a bit of the good (to which He deserves praise - for both) and for the unleashing of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life, as well as the lives of all those participating in the fast, and that by the end, we will be firmly rooted in the new beginning that God has for us going forward, in unity of mind, heart and spirit in HIM.
I'm declaring that this is the year for great, suddenly blessings, restoration of things lost, stolen and broken, and fulfillment of long-held dreams and promises spoken to me by the Lord!
I've been away too long. It's time for me to return to his blog and record what I believe to be life-changing events in my life and Jonathan's life in this year and beyond - above what I could ever hoped or imagined -GOOD THINGS - just as our Father promised in Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."
I -AM - EXPECTANT!!
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