So, I think it was March 10th that I stopped the nightly breast feeding with Jonathan. A little over 3 years. And that was it. I was done. He was too, though he sorta whined about it and cried some crocodile tears. I had to pull the pillow from him and throw it down the stairs (it's now hidden under my mother's bed). From time to time he goes to reach for it at bedtime, but then remembers "Bye Bye, pillow!" Yup, bye bye pillow.
They say that you'll know when you are ready to stop. I wasn't ready up until that day - no, actually a couple of days earlier he forgot to get the pillow and did not feed and I thought, yay, finally. It was at that point I knew I was done. Jonathan decided to request milk the next night and I was disappointed by the request. And so, a few days later, I just stopped cold turkey.
I've had no physical discomfort. There is still milk there when I squeeze my nipple. I suppose it'll be there for awhile. But I'm done. The woman who when first found pregnant declared she would NEVER breast feed ended up doing so for over 3 years. She was done. Done, Done, Done.
And yet so grateful.
I really have to praise God for the privilege of being able to nourish Jonathan this way. Grateful for the bonding that can only be experienced through breastfeeding and particularly the sweet closesness at night over the last year or so of our once a day night-time feedings. I'm grateful that the Lord made it so that we were both pretty much ready to close the door. I'm not experiencing any sadness, regret or guilt. Thank you, Jesus. I know if I had ended it any earlier, I would have gone through all of that emotional trauma. The Lord made a way out of us having to take that journey.
I do believe that Jonathan was also ready, but strangely, his night time ritual got a bit out of hand that first week or so. He would not lay down. Kept getting up and running around until he was exhausted enough to sleep. He got a cold last week and that seemed to have brought him back to his regular night time cycle of simply hitting the pillow and falling out into a semi-coma for10+hours. All is good now.
You'll see that wine relaxation is in my subject line. Well, I'm back to my wine fix at night. Something that I never really stopped when I was breastfeeding - well, save the first year of breast-feeding - but sorta took a break from at the start of this year when I did that fast with Lolita and the gals.
I suppose Jesus should be my night cap and my morning cap and my all day cap. I should be meditating on Him moreso than the swirl of red in my wine glass.
But wine is easier - and I guess, more satisfying.
Why is that? Why are so many things so much easier than spending quiet time with the Lord? Why do I experience more quiet and peace breast feeding Jonathan or watching a Hockey game or catching episodes of Property Brothers and House Hunters than I do sitting quietly with the Lord?
Why Lord?
I know that true victory and peace in life comes primarily from spending time with the Lord. I know we're supposed to also meditate on the word. However, just the actual time with Him is most important. Yet, I find it so hard to do.
More quiet time - more simply being in His presence would most likely quash my lingering angry outbursts of aggravation and irritation - such as was displayed yesterday when I so RUDELY interrupted the Financial Peace Class. Background: I arrived late to class with Jonathan in tow and he refused to be quiet and so I got up in a huff, making more noise than I had already done entering the class late and then in my anger slammed the door - basically taking about 10 minutes of the classes well-paid qualtity time focusing on the lesson at hand. Just another bone-headed, selfish, self-centered move on my part in a life that seems all about self, self, self, at the expense of other's happiness.
Anyway, I can't shake the reqret of what happened. The weight of this regret feels like it will never ease up. Regardless of God's forgiveness and His ability to throw my sin as far as east is from west, I can't seem to shake off the sense that there is no way to make this up to those people and to the class leader, Tom. Yes, they can forgive, but they can't forget, just like I'm having a hard time doing. I have to suffer the consequences, and I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it. I simply don't want to go back to the class and at this point, I doubt that I will.
Call me a coward. I just don't see how a simple, I'm so sorry for my rudeness and selfishness, please forgive me, will make a difference. Maybe it will. I don't know.
Regret strangulation. Suffocating. Relentless. A constant companion for me. I don't live carefree. Every thing I do is couched in the darkness of severe consequences. Bolts of light are rare. However, I will bask in what light I do receive. Like Jonathan's laughter and his ability to remember characters in books, even those I've only read to him a couple of times. His beautiful eyes and how he looks so intently at me some times. The joy he experiences when we sing together or dance in our silly way. I need to just rest in those moments with him, so that the light of his innocence casts a beam of brightness over all the areas of my life that right now seem dark and hopeless.
I love the wine. It's not enough. Timely ending to breast feeding and having my body fully back to myself. Not enought. Quiet time with the Lord - hard enough. Not enough. What is the answer?
No man. No job. No perfect body, ageless skin, published book, nada. What is it Lord?
What is it Lord?
Receiving His forgiveness.
Not putting Him back on the cross to re-do a work that He has already finished.
My sins are forgiven. Past Present Futuere.
Get over it, Kim.
Whether or not they forgive you. Whether they scowl, hate, turn their noses up to you, find you repulsive, wish you never came back to class...
You are forgiven by the Father. He saw it about to happen. He let it happen. He says, okay Kim. Return to me. My arms are wide open to comfort you in all your shame and regret. In all your anger and remorse. Let me comfort you.
The class will never be able to comfort you or forgive you enough. It's impossible.
Run to the one who forgives COMPLETELY and who remembers your sin, NO MORE.
Run to Jesus.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
A short burst
I want to do a free write. Not think about what I'm writing. Just get it out. Today is a not so spectacular day, save that it is warmer than usual. Arrived at school this morning, with great hope that Jonathan could play outside with all the other little kids running around. He was expectant too. Expectancies dashed as we entered his class to see that the kids running outside were not his classmates, but instead the preschool class, one grade above his. All his classmates were sitting around the table doing a craft.
Sigh.
He cried. Very upset. I totally understand.
Jonathan's primary issue - outside of just being a terrible three - is that he needs to expend energy. He's got cabin fever. His body needs to run, jump, climb! He needs fresh air. And not just for 15 or 20 minutes per day. I'd say at least one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon, and one or more hours after school. I'm sick and tired of the cold. I want the spring and the warmth. The sunshine, the green. He wants it too. He needs it too. I want it not just in the spring and summer. I want it all year round. I want out of NJ. I want to move to somewhere more affordable and Lord knows, more temperant. Alas, I can't. I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I have no job. I need a job. I want a husband. I have no means to a husband. No guarantee that said husband would be financially secure enough so that I would not have to work. It would be great if that were the case. If my dream of dreams could be answered: High Ranking, military officer, wife-less, child-less, looking for both a wife and a child and would like a child of his own. About to be put on assignment overseas, preferably Europe. Preferably France. Oh, that would be marvelous. Loves, Loves, Loves, the Lord and is a man after God's own heart. Stable, secure, and willing to deal with a very mixed up screwy neurotic lady with a terrible three year-old son, a son he will love with the Love of God as if he is his very own.
My dream.
How bout this year we meet?. Next year we marry. Following year our family grows due to a new addition out of my old, 48 year old womb.
How bout it Lord.
How bout my dream of a warm inviting home for our family and to entertain others with a small building on the lot to house my parents and then future missionaries and full-time Christian workers who need a retreat, a place of release and relaxation - at no cost. A home on a beautiful lot, in a cool area where they can stroll on a quaint main street, get a bite to eat, sit on a park bench and just reflect.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up together in an increasing knowledge of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and both their hearts being pricked to live for Christ, in their given vocactons, marriages, and extra-curricular activities.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up around a nice group of kids and each of them being each others best friends, ultimately, but also blessed with one or two wonderful, Christ-centered buddies with whom they can share life with as they grow and mature into responsble, spirit-filled men.
How bout it Lord.
How bout continued health and long life for my parents and reconciliation and an infilling of love and understanding in their hearts for each other so that the latter years are far richer and more fufilling then the former.
How bout Brandon getting totally and completely delivered from alcohol and drug addiciton. His whole family secure and whole as he embraces sobriety. Everyone in harmony in Christ. His step-grandchildren walking in the way, Tawana fully at peace with him and the Father, Maria seeped in joy and in love with a new man that you send into her life.
How bout it Lord.
How bout all my sisters in Christ living spirit-filled, fulfilling lives of service and love, enjoying their work, their families and blessed in loving, convenant marriages - satisfying the word by You: It is not good for man to be alone...
How bout Jonathan and Kay having a vital strong relationship as son and father and Kay being incredibly intentional about spending time with Jonathan and getting to know him - that they truly enjoy each other and establish an unshakeable, almost mystical bond to each other.
How bout it Lord.
Work these things out, Lord. I beseech You, in full knowledge that you are both able AND willing to do so. I praise You, worship You, depend on You, ADOORE You, bow down to You, exalt You, give my all to You, for You alone are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED & HIGHLY LIFTED UP!
You are able to bring this all to fruition - to Your praise and to Your GLORY!
How bout it Lord?
Sigh.
He cried. Very upset. I totally understand.
Jonathan's primary issue - outside of just being a terrible three - is that he needs to expend energy. He's got cabin fever. His body needs to run, jump, climb! He needs fresh air. And not just for 15 or 20 minutes per day. I'd say at least one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon, and one or more hours after school. I'm sick and tired of the cold. I want the spring and the warmth. The sunshine, the green. He wants it too. He needs it too. I want it not just in the spring and summer. I want it all year round. I want out of NJ. I want to move to somewhere more affordable and Lord knows, more temperant. Alas, I can't. I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I have no job. I need a job. I want a husband. I have no means to a husband. No guarantee that said husband would be financially secure enough so that I would not have to work. It would be great if that were the case. If my dream of dreams could be answered: High Ranking, military officer, wife-less, child-less, looking for both a wife and a child and would like a child of his own. About to be put on assignment overseas, preferably Europe. Preferably France. Oh, that would be marvelous. Loves, Loves, Loves, the Lord and is a man after God's own heart. Stable, secure, and willing to deal with a very mixed up screwy neurotic lady with a terrible three year-old son, a son he will love with the Love of God as if he is his very own.
My dream.
How bout this year we meet?. Next year we marry. Following year our family grows due to a new addition out of my old, 48 year old womb.
How bout it Lord.
How bout my dream of a warm inviting home for our family and to entertain others with a small building on the lot to house my parents and then future missionaries and full-time Christian workers who need a retreat, a place of release and relaxation - at no cost. A home on a beautiful lot, in a cool area where they can stroll on a quaint main street, get a bite to eat, sit on a park bench and just reflect.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up together in an increasing knowledge of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and both their hearts being pricked to live for Christ, in their given vocactons, marriages, and extra-curricular activities.
How bout it Lord.
How bout Jonathan and his brother growing up around a nice group of kids and each of them being each others best friends, ultimately, but also blessed with one or two wonderful, Christ-centered buddies with whom they can share life with as they grow and mature into responsble, spirit-filled men.
How bout it Lord.
How bout continued health and long life for my parents and reconciliation and an infilling of love and understanding in their hearts for each other so that the latter years are far richer and more fufilling then the former.
How bout Brandon getting totally and completely delivered from alcohol and drug addiciton. His whole family secure and whole as he embraces sobriety. Everyone in harmony in Christ. His step-grandchildren walking in the way, Tawana fully at peace with him and the Father, Maria seeped in joy and in love with a new man that you send into her life.
How bout it Lord.
How bout all my sisters in Christ living spirit-filled, fulfilling lives of service and love, enjoying their work, their families and blessed in loving, convenant marriages - satisfying the word by You: It is not good for man to be alone...
How bout Jonathan and Kay having a vital strong relationship as son and father and Kay being incredibly intentional about spending time with Jonathan and getting to know him - that they truly enjoy each other and establish an unshakeable, almost mystical bond to each other.
How bout it Lord.
Work these things out, Lord. I beseech You, in full knowledge that you are both able AND willing to do so. I praise You, worship You, depend on You, ADOORE You, bow down to You, exalt You, give my all to You, for You alone are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED & HIGHLY LIFTED UP!
You are able to bring this all to fruition - to Your praise and to Your GLORY!
How bout it Lord?
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Purifying - the hard way...
So, at 10:30 PM, Sunday, March 16, I ended a 7 day fast from all food and drink, save tea and water (and the last couple of days, two glasses of juice) - a fast that commenced on March 9, 2014. I had not done a 7 day fast since January 2010.
I was desperate.
Jonathan's potty training and overall escalation in strong-willed behavior...my lack of control over food and the extra 25 pounds on my body that had me tipping the scales at a very uncomfortable 166 lbs...bad skin, thinning hair, body odor and just an overall malaise and descending depression that was steeped in rage and angry outbursts --- primarily against Jonathan -- all of these issues had to be nipped in the bud.
I did not want to hurt my son. I no longer wanted to put my hands on him in anger or yell at him or act uncontrollably in any way towards him. Something had to give.
So the Lord led me to fast.
It was hard. A very hard week.
But I'm on the other side now. The food addiction has been broken. I had already started working out again after not really being consistent since my dad's fall last May, and pretty much not working out at all from December-February. I had started walking again, as well. However, there was still a drudgery about doing it - that dread that had fallen upon my absolute favorite thing to do (working out) after my dad's fall, in conjunction with Jonathan's constant intrusions when I would work out, and my inability to work out before he woke up because it made it a very tense assignment for me - totally canceling out the purpose of working out: to relieve stress!
All of the dread is gone. I feel again my vigor and excitement for working out. In addition, I have more of a desire to cook good meals and feel horrible that I have stuffed Jonathan's mouth with so much junk food over the past 9 months or so.
I'm in therapy now, as well. Interestingly enough, at my last session, Vonetta, my therapist, pointed out that all of the stuff I had been dealing with: the anger, the weight gain, the thinning hair, the skin problems, the lack of focus, the feeling as if I was in a fog, the lethargy - well, all of that is an indication of depression. It's tied to the many losses that I've had to deal with over the past year: the presence of my dad at home, the loss of my quasi independence as a daughter (having to take on more responsibility in the care of my parents), the loss of Anthony coming by on a regular basis to spend time with Jonathan because he's in a new relationship...the loss associated with leaving IBM, though of my own fruition, there is still the loss of what was familiar for the past 16 years ...the loss of certainty about Jonathan's intellectual development because of his participation in the early intervention program...the loss of affection towards Kay and the hope of a future family with him...the loss of his attention toward Jonathan that continues to wain and wain (he has not seen Jonathan since New Years Eve).
I have to grieve all of these losses. Until I do, the symptoms of this unexpressed grief will continue to plague me.
So the fast did help in terms of breaking me free of using food to medicate my pain.
However, I'm still struggling with Jonathan.
Turning 3 for him has been hell for me. He seems to be a totally different boy. Incessant whinning...screaming...loud crying jags...not following instructions... totally ignoring directions...refusing to eat what we give him to eat...only wanting sweet stuff to eat.
And Potty training. Ugh! He can't seem to get the peeing on the potty down. He's pooped a lot on the potty, praise God, but it's been pee accident after pee accident. I kept him home for 2 weeks with hopes that he would be able to return to school in underwear. I sent him back even though he was still having accidents, believing that fasting would cause the Lord to work a miracle. It didn't. He's still peeing on himself and refusing to pee on the toilet.
I find myself hating him - dreading him - not wanting to be around him, not wanting to give him the affection and hugs that he demands (which he seems to want the most when he's having an unreasonable crying fit). He's just so unpleasant to be around right now. I love him so much, but displaying an effectual, 1 Cor 13 towards him of late has been very, very hard.
And yet, I have to repeatedly ask myself to put this all into the right perspective: Is my behavior not also so much like this to you, Lord?
Yes, Yes, it is.
And that is one of the things that the Lord gave me in the fast: The reality of my own unreasonableness, my temper tantrums against Him, my demands of Him, my self-pity and self-centeredness, which He NEVER runs away from and never even thinks one moment in His heart that He hates me because I act this way more times than I want to admit. Oh, how great is our God and His merciful love towards us!
I had been questioning if I was even saved and had the Holy Spirit. Where was the power of the Holy Spirit upon my life like the apostles? I'd been asking for more of it. I so need it! God gave me Jonathan to raise. I need the help of the Holy Spirit to raise this very unique, highly intelligent, strong-minded little boy, I need Him - I need POWER from ON HIGH!
And then, during the fast, the Lord led me to open Merlin Carother's Power of Praise, right in the section where he's talking about the in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Merlin explained so clearly that all I have to do to access this power is to pray in tongues and believe that as I pray, He is interceding in that situation and countless other situations with moanings and groanings that I will never understand, but which so accurately describe the need before the throne of our Father in Heaven.
And Daddy hears.
And Daddy acts.
I only need to believe. And I only need to give thanks - always - for everything! The pee accidents, the screaming, the crying jags, the throwing toys and food. Why? Because these are all according to God's perfect plan for our lives - me and Jonathan. He is working all of this for our good and to His glory!
I have been declaring over Jonathan that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. That the Lord will do mighty works through him. How can this happen if he's meek and mild? No, he is the independepent, strong-minded, strong-willed boy that he is for a reason. He might not have many words now to express himself, but the Lord intends to give him many words -- many, many words - that are gonna rock nations and bring His Father in Heaven great glory and fame! And Jonathan will not be thrwarted. He won't let anyone or anything get in his way. The Lord has built him that way.
My confidence is this: The fast worked. My confidence is this: God is preparing both of us for some awesome stuff in the coming year and years. However, the journey will not be easy. I'm being gutted - literally gutted. I've never experienced as much pain as I have over the past year as I have, but it's necessary for me to become whatever I need to become for God to do whatever He needs to do through my life and in my life. I am blessed. I am highly favored and I expect that His promises will come to pass in quick and assured measure in my life. I just have to keep believing, keep praising, and keep thinking him for it ALL. ALL...
ALL
I was desperate.
Jonathan's potty training and overall escalation in strong-willed behavior...my lack of control over food and the extra 25 pounds on my body that had me tipping the scales at a very uncomfortable 166 lbs...bad skin, thinning hair, body odor and just an overall malaise and descending depression that was steeped in rage and angry outbursts --- primarily against Jonathan -- all of these issues had to be nipped in the bud.
I did not want to hurt my son. I no longer wanted to put my hands on him in anger or yell at him or act uncontrollably in any way towards him. Something had to give.
So the Lord led me to fast.
It was hard. A very hard week.
But I'm on the other side now. The food addiction has been broken. I had already started working out again after not really being consistent since my dad's fall last May, and pretty much not working out at all from December-February. I had started walking again, as well. However, there was still a drudgery about doing it - that dread that had fallen upon my absolute favorite thing to do (working out) after my dad's fall, in conjunction with Jonathan's constant intrusions when I would work out, and my inability to work out before he woke up because it made it a very tense assignment for me - totally canceling out the purpose of working out: to relieve stress!
All of the dread is gone. I feel again my vigor and excitement for working out. In addition, I have more of a desire to cook good meals and feel horrible that I have stuffed Jonathan's mouth with so much junk food over the past 9 months or so.
I'm in therapy now, as well. Interestingly enough, at my last session, Vonetta, my therapist, pointed out that all of the stuff I had been dealing with: the anger, the weight gain, the thinning hair, the skin problems, the lack of focus, the feeling as if I was in a fog, the lethargy - well, all of that is an indication of depression. It's tied to the many losses that I've had to deal with over the past year: the presence of my dad at home, the loss of my quasi independence as a daughter (having to take on more responsibility in the care of my parents), the loss of Anthony coming by on a regular basis to spend time with Jonathan because he's in a new relationship...the loss associated with leaving IBM, though of my own fruition, there is still the loss of what was familiar for the past 16 years ...the loss of certainty about Jonathan's intellectual development because of his participation in the early intervention program...the loss of affection towards Kay and the hope of a future family with him...the loss of his attention toward Jonathan that continues to wain and wain (he has not seen Jonathan since New Years Eve).
I have to grieve all of these losses. Until I do, the symptoms of this unexpressed grief will continue to plague me.
So the fast did help in terms of breaking me free of using food to medicate my pain.
However, I'm still struggling with Jonathan.
Turning 3 for him has been hell for me. He seems to be a totally different boy. Incessant whinning...screaming...loud crying jags...not following instructions... totally ignoring directions...refusing to eat what we give him to eat...only wanting sweet stuff to eat.
And Potty training. Ugh! He can't seem to get the peeing on the potty down. He's pooped a lot on the potty, praise God, but it's been pee accident after pee accident. I kept him home for 2 weeks with hopes that he would be able to return to school in underwear. I sent him back even though he was still having accidents, believing that fasting would cause the Lord to work a miracle. It didn't. He's still peeing on himself and refusing to pee on the toilet.
I find myself hating him - dreading him - not wanting to be around him, not wanting to give him the affection and hugs that he demands (which he seems to want the most when he's having an unreasonable crying fit). He's just so unpleasant to be around right now. I love him so much, but displaying an effectual, 1 Cor 13 towards him of late has been very, very hard.
And yet, I have to repeatedly ask myself to put this all into the right perspective: Is my behavior not also so much like this to you, Lord?
Yes, Yes, it is.
And that is one of the things that the Lord gave me in the fast: The reality of my own unreasonableness, my temper tantrums against Him, my demands of Him, my self-pity and self-centeredness, which He NEVER runs away from and never even thinks one moment in His heart that He hates me because I act this way more times than I want to admit. Oh, how great is our God and His merciful love towards us!
I had been questioning if I was even saved and had the Holy Spirit. Where was the power of the Holy Spirit upon my life like the apostles? I'd been asking for more of it. I so need it! God gave me Jonathan to raise. I need the help of the Holy Spirit to raise this very unique, highly intelligent, strong-minded little boy, I need Him - I need POWER from ON HIGH!
And then, during the fast, the Lord led me to open Merlin Carother's Power of Praise, right in the section where he's talking about the in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Merlin explained so clearly that all I have to do to access this power is to pray in tongues and believe that as I pray, He is interceding in that situation and countless other situations with moanings and groanings that I will never understand, but which so accurately describe the need before the throne of our Father in Heaven.
And Daddy hears.
And Daddy acts.
I only need to believe. And I only need to give thanks - always - for everything! The pee accidents, the screaming, the crying jags, the throwing toys and food. Why? Because these are all according to God's perfect plan for our lives - me and Jonathan. He is working all of this for our good and to His glory!
I have been declaring over Jonathan that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. That the Lord will do mighty works through him. How can this happen if he's meek and mild? No, he is the independepent, strong-minded, strong-willed boy that he is for a reason. He might not have many words now to express himself, but the Lord intends to give him many words -- many, many words - that are gonna rock nations and bring His Father in Heaven great glory and fame! And Jonathan will not be thrwarted. He won't let anyone or anything get in his way. The Lord has built him that way.
My confidence is this: The fast worked. My confidence is this: God is preparing both of us for some awesome stuff in the coming year and years. However, the journey will not be easy. I'm being gutted - literally gutted. I've never experienced as much pain as I have over the past year as I have, but it's necessary for me to become whatever I need to become for God to do whatever He needs to do through my life and in my life. I am blessed. I am highly favored and I expect that His promises will come to pass in quick and assured measure in my life. I just have to keep believing, keep praising, and keep thinking him for it ALL. ALL...
ALL
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Why is it so hard to rest?!
I'm really having a difficult time with this whole idea of resting and waiting.
I just spent a lot of wasted time looking at job listings. Sadly there is absolutely nothing that fits me. And really, I'm not sure what I should be looking for. Irritating. Very, Very irritating.
Okay - I'm not supposed to be looking. I know. I'm supposed to be resting. I can't seem to shake the whole notion that if you don't work, you should not eat. That I'm a lazy good for nothing and what kind of example am I setting up for Jonathan. I need to get a job and bring in more money to help my mother with household expenses and for Jonathan and myself.
Yes, marriage and family is my vocation. I'm doing my best to holdfast to that truth - but...
There is no marriage and...
I don't know. It's just hard. I'm talking out of my butt at this point - or should I say, writing out of my butt. There is no reason, no logic. I'm unable to do what I feel the Lord is asking me to do. I don't like this state of nothingness.
That is what it feels like. Nothingness.
Yes, I'm enjoying the time with the Lord. The quiet of coffee shops. The reflection. The sermons and scripture reading. The time, the Time, The time. I do enjoy all of that. However - more. More.
On Monday or Tuesday I listed my hopes and desires - believing the Lord will bring them to pass.
My impatience is getting in the way, though. I guess the one thing that I truly want is to be married - or to be on route to that goal with a man of God's choosing. And yet, where is he?
He is not any man that I already know. That much I am certain.
Not Darryl. Not Phil C. Not Bill. Not Joel. Not Phil B. Not Kay. No one that has already entered my life romantically.
Interestingly enough the number of my "significant relationships" is 6. I had never noticed that before. The Biblical meaning of 6 is man coming short of spiritual perfection. Wow. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
Let me see something:
Darryl M 1 = Unity; New beginnings
Phil C 2 = Union; Division; Witnessing
Bill S 3 = Divine Completeness & Perfection
Joel H 4 = Creation: the World; Creative Works
Phil B 5 = Grace; God's goodness
Kay O 6 = Weakness of Man; Manifestation of Sin; Evils of Satan
? 7 = Resurrection; Spiritual Completeness; Father's Perfection; Divine Fullness
It's interesting how the numbers fall. Darryl was a new beginning as he was my first official boyfriend. Phil C. was marked with union and division (a painful breakup) and witnessing (he was baptized during our relationship, me being a witness of Christ to him). Bill is puzzling. It marks a period of perfection - that possibly he was supposed to be the ONE. I don't know. Overall, he was the person I was most in-line with intellectually, inter-personally, but not necessarily spiritually or physically. The Lord will have to make more sense of that. Joel was marked by creative works. Hmm, also puzzling. Need the Lord to better clarify that, as well. I can sorta see grace and God's goodness over Phil B. Timing was just off for us. Maybe it could have worked. I don't know. Too late now to worry about it. I felt that he wasn't the one and I'm sticking to that. Kay and weakness of man and manifestation of sin. Yeah, that makes total sense. God's redemptive work, as well - through the beauty of Jonathan. The one good thing from this connection.
And so, 7, who ever number 7 is, that will be the Father's perfect one for me and me for him. I'll choose to believe that.
Yet, in the meantime - this waiting and this nothingness. This confusion. This confusion.
Lord, I want to better help my mother with finances. I do want a job, but I'm skittish about taking just any job. By doing that, I end up right back where I was a year ago. Back in a sort of bondage. I don't know.
This is just hard, resting in You and waiting on You. Show me a glimpse of light in this darkness, Lord. Show me the next step to take. Make it clear. Leave me without any doubt.
I just spent a lot of wasted time looking at job listings. Sadly there is absolutely nothing that fits me. And really, I'm not sure what I should be looking for. Irritating. Very, Very irritating.
Okay - I'm not supposed to be looking. I know. I'm supposed to be resting. I can't seem to shake the whole notion that if you don't work, you should not eat. That I'm a lazy good for nothing and what kind of example am I setting up for Jonathan. I need to get a job and bring in more money to help my mother with household expenses and for Jonathan and myself.
Yes, marriage and family is my vocation. I'm doing my best to holdfast to that truth - but...
There is no marriage and...
I don't know. It's just hard. I'm talking out of my butt at this point - or should I say, writing out of my butt. There is no reason, no logic. I'm unable to do what I feel the Lord is asking me to do. I don't like this state of nothingness.
That is what it feels like. Nothingness.
Yes, I'm enjoying the time with the Lord. The quiet of coffee shops. The reflection. The sermons and scripture reading. The time, the Time, The time. I do enjoy all of that. However - more. More.
On Monday or Tuesday I listed my hopes and desires - believing the Lord will bring them to pass.
My impatience is getting in the way, though. I guess the one thing that I truly want is to be married - or to be on route to that goal with a man of God's choosing. And yet, where is he?
He is not any man that I already know. That much I am certain.
Not Darryl. Not Phil C. Not Bill. Not Joel. Not Phil B. Not Kay. No one that has already entered my life romantically.
Interestingly enough the number of my "significant relationships" is 6. I had never noticed that before. The Biblical meaning of 6 is man coming short of spiritual perfection. Wow. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
Let me see something:
Darryl M 1 = Unity; New beginnings
Phil C 2 = Union; Division; Witnessing
Bill S 3 = Divine Completeness & Perfection
Joel H 4 = Creation: the World; Creative Works
Phil B 5 = Grace; God's goodness
Kay O 6 = Weakness of Man; Manifestation of Sin; Evils of Satan
? 7 = Resurrection; Spiritual Completeness; Father's Perfection; Divine Fullness
It's interesting how the numbers fall. Darryl was a new beginning as he was my first official boyfriend. Phil C. was marked with union and division (a painful breakup) and witnessing (he was baptized during our relationship, me being a witness of Christ to him). Bill is puzzling. It marks a period of perfection - that possibly he was supposed to be the ONE. I don't know. Overall, he was the person I was most in-line with intellectually, inter-personally, but not necessarily spiritually or physically. The Lord will have to make more sense of that. Joel was marked by creative works. Hmm, also puzzling. Need the Lord to better clarify that, as well. I can sorta see grace and God's goodness over Phil B. Timing was just off for us. Maybe it could have worked. I don't know. Too late now to worry about it. I felt that he wasn't the one and I'm sticking to that. Kay and weakness of man and manifestation of sin. Yeah, that makes total sense. God's redemptive work, as well - through the beauty of Jonathan. The one good thing from this connection.
And so, 7, who ever number 7 is, that will be the Father's perfect one for me and me for him. I'll choose to believe that.
Yet, in the meantime - this waiting and this nothingness. This confusion. This confusion.
Lord, I want to better help my mother with finances. I do want a job, but I'm skittish about taking just any job. By doing that, I end up right back where I was a year ago. Back in a sort of bondage. I don't know.
This is just hard, resting in You and waiting on You. Show me a glimpse of light in this darkness, Lord. Show me the next step to take. Make it clear. Leave me without any doubt.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
More TRUTH to live by...
To the extent that I am in fear or worry there is wrong believing in my life.
It is hard to receive from the Lord if I am full of wrong believing.
Walk in truth not in fear.
Here are some great truths:
Matthew 8:1-4: Many people God has the power to work on their behalf, but they doubt that God is willing to use His power on His behalf. That is me.
He is willing to use HIS power on me. He does it because HE is good.
Under law NO ONE EVER GOT HEALED OF LEPROSY.
And even if they had been healed, they would have needed to go through a ritual of cleansing (that is a picture of the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ). Jesus told the leper that he was CLEANSED. As King, He healed him. As Priest, He cleansed him. The King uses His decree to save, to heal, to deliver. That's why I worship Him, that's why I LOVE HIM as my KING PRIEST!
Deuteronomy 34:7: Moses was 120 years old when he died. His eye was undimmed, and his vigor unabated. Hebrews 11:27: By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible,.i.e., by SEEING GOD. Moses endured (in Greek - CONTINUED STRONG).
Practice the Presence of God. REJOICE IN HIM. BE CONTINUOUSLY IN THANKSGIVING. By doing so, the stronger I will become - just like Moses.
Be grateful that He is my shepherd. That I shall not be in want.
The best way to fight the enemy is to eat the bread of life - to feed at the feet of Jesus. Bread is any teaching - systematic exposition of the doctrines of the Bible - expounding on Christ. Fish represents the practical application of truth. Egg is something that you meditate on, brood over it like a mother hen, and then it will birth life in me.
Numbers 7:89 - 8:4
Message from the Holy of Holies: Everything I do is to bring glory and honor to the Lord Jesus Christ!
When I do: POWER comes into my life. Remember Acts 3:6-16
But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” 7 And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. 8 And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. 9 And all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. 11 While he clung to Peter and John, all the people, utterly astounded, ran together to them in the portico called Solomon's. 12 And when Peter saw it he addressed the people: “Men of Israel, why do you wonder at this, or why do you stare at us, as though by our own power or piety we have made him walk? 13 The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, the God of our fathers, glorified his servant[b] Jesus, whom you delivered over and denied in the presence of Pilate, when he had decided to release him.14 But you denied the Holy and Righteous One, and asked for a murderer to be granted to you, 15 and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses. 16 And his name—by faith in his name—has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus[c] has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all.
When I am burned out, depressed, Jesus lifts me up. He is always raising people up, even today at the right hand of the Father. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He lifts up and wraps me around the trellis (a picture of the cross) and I grow again around it. Value the word of God, eat His bread, and I will be lit up! He will not hide me. I will be set on the lampstand so that EVERYONE can behold His glory.
Ministry of the lampstand is from evening until morning - so in the darkest times of my life, the Lord will shine His light brightly. The enemy's single objective is for me to take my eyes off the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm never stronger, healthier, more prosperous than when I am looking on Jesus, the one who is altogether lovely.
Numbers 7 is all about offerings and giving by the leaders of Israel (specifying their names and the tribes) and then we go to the lampstand in Numbers 8:1-4 and then the rest of 8 is about the consecration of the Levites.
Entire chapter 7 is about giving. After lampstand, consecration of the Levites, it shows that all my giving needs to be given in the light of the sanctuary. The light of the lampstand shows my real motives. Am I serving for gain, to be noticed of men, for my own gratification or is it for the center shaft, Jesus Christ? It must be for Jesus alone.
REMEMBER
1 John 4:16-19
16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.
Jesus loved all the twelve, but John KNEW it. He spoke of himself as the one that Jesus loved. My self-esteem can then be based on this ALONE. When I boast of the Lord's love for me, I will always be used of the Lord MIGHTILY! The son of God who loved me gave Himself for me. Knowledge of this - a true KNOWING - empowers me to withstand temptation, to live victoriously.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
JESUS LOVES ME!
It is hard to receive from the Lord if I am full of wrong believing.
Walk in truth not in fear.
Here are some great truths:
John 1:17
English Standard Version
17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and TRUTH came through Jesus Christ.
He is willing to use HIS power on me. He does it because HE is good.
Under law NO ONE EVER GOT HEALED OF LEPROSY.
And even if they had been healed, they would have needed to go through a ritual of cleansing (that is a picture of the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ). Jesus told the leper that he was CLEANSED. As King, He healed him. As Priest, He cleansed him. The King uses His decree to save, to heal, to deliver. That's why I worship Him, that's why I LOVE HIM as my KING PRIEST!
Deuteronomy 34:7: Moses was 120 years old when he died. His eye was undimmed, and his vigor unabated. Hebrews 11:27: By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible,.i.e., by SEEING GOD. Moses endured (in Greek - CONTINUED STRONG).
Practice the Presence of God. REJOICE IN HIM. BE CONTINUOUSLY IN THANKSGIVING. By doing so, the stronger I will become - just like Moses.
Be grateful that He is my shepherd. That I shall not be in want.
The best way to fight the enemy is to eat the bread of life - to feed at the feet of Jesus. Bread is any teaching - systematic exposition of the doctrines of the Bible - expounding on Christ. Fish represents the practical application of truth. Egg is something that you meditate on, brood over it like a mother hen, and then it will birth life in me.
Numbers 7:89 - 8:4
Message from the Holy of Holies: Everything I do is to bring glory and honor to the Lord Jesus Christ!
When I do: POWER comes into my life. Remember Acts 3:6-16
But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” 7 And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. 8 And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. 9 And all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. 11 While he clung to Peter and John, all the people, utterly astounded, ran together to them in the portico called Solomon's. 12 And when Peter saw it he addressed the people: “Men of Israel, why do you wonder at this, or why do you stare at us, as though by our own power or piety we have made him walk? 13 The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, the God of our fathers, glorified his servant[b] Jesus, whom you delivered over and denied in the presence of Pilate, when he had decided to release him.14 But you denied the Holy and Righteous One, and asked for a murderer to be granted to you, 15 and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses. 16 And his name—by faith in his name—has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus[c] has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all.
When I am burned out, depressed, Jesus lifts me up. He is always raising people up, even today at the right hand of the Father. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He lifts up and wraps me around the trellis (a picture of the cross) and I grow again around it. Value the word of God, eat His bread, and I will be lit up! He will not hide me. I will be set on the lampstand so that EVERYONE can behold His glory.
Ministry of the lampstand is from evening until morning - so in the darkest times of my life, the Lord will shine His light brightly. The enemy's single objective is for me to take my eyes off the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm never stronger, healthier, more prosperous than when I am looking on Jesus, the one who is altogether lovely.
Numbers 7 is all about offerings and giving by the leaders of Israel (specifying their names and the tribes) and then we go to the lampstand in Numbers 8:1-4 and then the rest of 8 is about the consecration of the Levites.
Entire chapter 7 is about giving. After lampstand, consecration of the Levites, it shows that all my giving needs to be given in the light of the sanctuary. The light of the lampstand shows my real motives. Am I serving for gain, to be noticed of men, for my own gratification or is it for the center shaft, Jesus Christ? It must be for Jesus alone.
REMEMBER
1 John 4:16-19
16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.
Jesus loved all the twelve, but John KNEW it. He spoke of himself as the one that Jesus loved. My self-esteem can then be based on this ALONE. When I boast of the Lord's love for me, I will always be used of the Lord MIGHTILY! The son of God who loved me gave Himself for me. Knowledge of this - a true KNOWING - empowers me to withstand temptation, to live victoriously.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
JESUS LOVES ME!
All things are new
See Jesus do a new thing.
This was in my Joseph Prince devotion this morning (yes, again, more Joseph). It was uncanny because the Meditations devotion that I had just read discussed a similar truth, i.e., how when Jesus returns, the God of the Universe will make ALL THINGS NEW:
Jesus is making all things new. I believe even now He is making all things new.
And then my Christine Caine devotion took the newness to a deeper level in terms of renewing our minds:
I'm ever starting over again. Wanting things to be new. Day to day. Week to week. And yet, much of the same pattern of behavior, same thoughts, same actions, same ole same ole stare me in the face. However, He is making things new, despite how it appears. I'm not quite what I was yesterday, last week, last year and definitely not 10 years ago. If there is a lack of diligence in activating change, well, I'm no longer gonna beat myself up about that. I'm resting. And in my rest there is diligence and peace and guidance. He puts out His hand for me to take it and to follow, similar to how much I used to love when Joel would walk in front of me and put his hand out from behind so that I would take it. And then I would follow as he led, in perfect peace, harmony, and to be honest, in a sort of quiet ecstasy. There was something so nice, sensual and powerful in that very little act. If a mere man can do that - and I was just following him through a book store or in the parking lot to our vehicle, how much more gratifying and safe and peaceful and perfect the leadership of the Lord as He guides me to where He needs me to be, when I need to be there. How awesome is His ability to transform and renew me by the renewing and re-molding of my mind. How awesome. I'm resting. No more striving. Resting. Resting and Believing.
If there is any work to do, it is this:
This was in my Joseph Prince devotion this morning (yes, again, more Joseph). It was uncanny because the Meditations devotion that I had just read discussed a similar truth, i.e., how when Jesus returns, the God of the Universe will make ALL THINGS NEW:
Revelation 21:5
Living Bible
5 And the one sitting on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true:
And then my Christine Caine devotion took the newness to a deeper level in terms of renewing our minds:
Romans 12:2
J.B. Phillips New Testament
We have seen God’s mercy and wisdom: how shall we respond?
12 1-2 With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to him and acceptable by him. Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold, but let God re-mold (renew) your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all his demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity.
If there is any work to do, it is this:
John 6:28-29
Amplified Bible
28 They then said, What are we to do, that we may [habitually] be working the works of God? [What are we to do to carry out what God requires?]
29 Jesus replied, This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger].
Cleave to...Trust...Rely on...Have Faith in JESUS!
Sounds so easy, but it really is quite difficult. I've yet to successfully do it. Nonetheless, I am making it my mission to do so now. NOW. Even if the Lord has a job for me - even this most excellent job with Galvan Foundation (which I am believing to be mine) - I can rest in that role, i.e., cleaving to, trusting, relying on, and believing in Jesus to do the job through me - with JOY and not DREAD (as I did with the technical work at IBM). But I'm resting - resting - resting and I will rest without reproach, but rejoicing.
It's so interesting how this has come about, but I'm now seeing the beauty of my season out of work. How awesome it truly is and how refreshing to my soul. It was difficult achieving that last year. So much was going on. The Lord has blessed me with 2014. In this new year, truly NEW things are popping up all around me. Blessings abound. Even today, I was concerned about where to park in my new favorite place in NJ, downtown Somerville, and the Lord led me to park in a spot that has a broken meter! I was planning to run out every hour in the freezing cold to throw a couple of quarters in the meter but that is now not necessary. So, I rest here in "The Dragonfly" coffee shop, on one of their cute couches, blogging, meditating, fellow-shipping through the written word with my God.
Continue to refresh me Lord in this way so that I can be refreshing to Jonathan, my parents, my family as a whole, my friends - to all that I come near. Refresh me through and through - renewing me by this refreshing so that the Glory and Wonder of You seeps through my very being and splashes those around me. Let there be an inexplicable light about me. Let the places where I sit and wonder into and out of be lit with your power as it pours out of me. And increase the brightness and wonder of that light each day going forth. Renew me in my mind, in my spirit and my body. Renew me Lord. Renew my dreams and aspirations and set me free from anything old and damaging. Renew me for motherhood and wifehood and daughterhood and sisterhood. Renew me Lord.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Faith - Faith - and more - FAITH
More great teaching from Joseph Prince on faith.
Romans 10:5-13
Believe and Speak
Mark 11
Have the God kind of faith:
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Doing and speaking are antithesis to each other.
Doing is not of faith.
Do not perform to get a blessing.
As long as I am doing or performing, the enemy is winning.
As long as I am believing and speaking, the enemy is loosing.
The higher I go up in rank, the more I speak, the less that I do (for example, a CEO).
I am seated on Christ's throne. I am a King & a Priest.
Whatever I desire, be believing that I am receiving and it will be mine.
God doesn't wait for me to be perfect to use my faith. For example, Elijah (James 5-17-18): "Elijah was a man like affected as we, and with prayer he did pray -- not to rain, and it did not rain upon the land three years and six months; and again he did pray, and the heaven did give rain, and the land did bring forth her fruit."
The enemy is afraid that I will act like who I am - a KING & A PRIEST! He doesn't care about all my charitable acts, all my service, all the money that I give away. He cares that I KNOW WHO I AM IN CHRIST.
*************************************
I truly have to learn how to do this - to live this out. In my heart, speaking and writing are one in the same. I speak clearest when I write. So, on this, the 28th day of January, in the year 2014, I will speak these desires, believing that I am receiving each one and that they will be mine, in the mighty and precious name of JESUS!
Praise you Father for your favor upon me and the fulfillment of your promise to add to me another son in my 48th year!
Praise you Father that I am blessed and highly favored and that every promise prayed over Jonathan's life shall come to pass!
Praise you Abba Daddy that my family is whole, healthy, and at peace with one another.
Praise you Daddy that my brother is walking in sobriety and that he and His whole household are saved and in continuous fellowship with you and other's who love you.
Praise you Abba Daddy that I am in the best physical condition and shape of my entire life and that all excess weight has been loss FOREVER.
Praise you Jesus for my life partner and for putting each of us in the right place at the right time to meet one another, to know one another, and to come into agreement with You to walk forward in life as husband and wife.
Praise you Jesus that my husband loves Jonathan as his very own.
Thank you Lord God my father that you enable me to walk in the fullness of my vocation which is marriage and family, ever dependent upon you to carry out my daily activities.
Thank you Lord God for joy unspeakable!
Thank you Lord God for prosperity in my finances and that there is abundant surplus to be used for the spread of the gospel through the support of missions and ministries devoted to this cause.
Thank you my Father for FAITH and for YOUR SON who is for me salvation, grace, favor, goodness, power, love, joy, mercy - all that I NEED!
AMEN!
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