God's Unmatchless Mercy and Grace

Day 1 - Email Testimony:

I'm writing this email before the fact.  It's an act of faith on my part.  I'm inspired in part by all the examples of Jesus performing miracles in the lives of so many in the Gospel (and even now today, as He lives and reigns with our Father in heaven) primarily because they simply believed that He could before He did.  They took Him at His word when He said "Have faith in God...whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11:22-24).  In another instance, He said, "Do not be unbelieving but believing." (John 20:27).  And yet in another place, "With man it is impossible, but not with God, with God all things are possible." (Mark 10:27).  And finally, "Ask and it will be given to you, see and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7-8).  So, this email is a pronouncement before the fact of God's immeasurable mercy and grace extended toward me in enabling me to be accepted into the Rutgers University PhD program in Organizational Management, as part of the class that begins in the Fall of 2013.

I said I was inspired in part of to make this declaration of faith by the scriptures in the Gospel.  The other part that has encouraged me is the many words spoken to me in the devotions I've received over the past week, the powerful words written by Pastor Steven Furtick in his book, Greater, and words of encouragement that I've recently, but probably more applicably absorbed through finally reading the paperback version of Joel Osteen's, Your Best Life Now (in the past, I had only listened to an abridged, audio-book version).

All these have worked together to help amplify the promises in the Bible that I've been blessed to read over the past two months during my church's (www.liquidchurch.com) 40-Day Challenge to read the totality of the NT.  The challenge ends on Good Friday and it's been an amazing journey!  If you have never read the NT word for word, I highly encourage you to do so.  In my 45 years of life, I had never done so before, and oh how much I did NOT know that I thought I knew.  If there are major take aways that I have received through this time is that our God - the Living God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth - is faithful, He is true, He is powerful, and He loves us with an inescapable love. We can depend on Him and HE DOES PERFORM miracles.  He is our comfort, our shield, and our Guide.  He is AWESOME and all glory is due Him - ALWAYS.

I wanted to write this email so that when what I am hoping does come to pass, our great God will indeed get all the glory and honor and praise for working out what only He could because He is merciful, loving and kind.  Period.  It was not due to ANY merit or ability on my part.  This I know only too well.  Why?

1.  RU was my LAST choice, so I was a bit neglectful in doing a very proper edit of the materials that I submitted.  As a result, I noticed that my essay had two glaring errors:  a missing period on the very last sentence and two missing words in a sentence earlier in the essay.  It is only by God's grace and favor that I was accepted into a PhD program with such egregious errors on my application.
2.  I only scored a whopping 490 on the GMAT - about 170 points lower than the average GMAT score for most students accepted into the program.
3.  Again, RU wasn't my first choice. My first choice was VCU (Virginia Commonwealth University), based primarily on some dreams that I had:-/ and my understanding of what I thought the program could offer ME.  My second choice was Auburn University, which I sort of arbitrarily picked and massaged to fit - again- what I thought the program could offer me.  The RU program was - well, at RU, and I had already done my time there as an undergraduate.  It also appeared to want A LOT from me - something that in my naivety about enrolling in a PhD program appeared wanting.  Through the wisdom of Christ, I now realize that it is exactly the school that will allow me to contribute the most to its PhD program as a student and an experienced professional, while also preparing me to be the scholar and academic I've been hoping to become for all these years.  It's also smack dab in a location where the kind of support I'll need as a single mom, through family and friends, is at the ready.  So, God knew what was best all along.  This is just another reminder that I should NEVER lean on my own understanding (Pro 3:5-6).
4.  Finally, I submitted the application with no academic recommendations.  As this was about the 10th program I've applied to over the past 15 years, my ever willing Professor Herndl, from New Mexico State University, decided to not respond to my request for yet another recommendation.  Fortunately, the Lord had placed in my heart that I should request a recommendation from the Executive Director who ran Habitat for Humanity of Tuscaloosa when I did my Americorps*Vista assignment. She gladly obliged.  She actually is now an instructor at the University of Alabama, but I did not know that when I requested the recommendation.  Anyway, if not for her recommendation, I would not have had the requisite number of recommendations needed to apply to any of the schools that I applied to.  Again, the Lord's favor flowing over my life.

So, with a great deal of humility I give Him my utmost thanks, for I know it is He alone who has enabled my acceptance into RU to happen.  And honestly, that gives me even greater confidence that He will also carry me all the way through the 4 years of the program - me and Jonathan - just as He has carried me thus far, these 45+ years.  I thank Him for this season of rest and preparation beforehand, so that once I'm in the thick of it, I'll be able to tap into that rest at will!  I also thank Him for all those who encouraged me and told me that I would most certainly get into a program.  Though I was greatly discouraged, especially when I received my GMAT scores and then those glaring application errors, I praise God for the kindness and prayers of others and above all HIS amazing words of truth, which have given me the ability to simply BELIEVE that HE CAN DO THE IMPOSSIBLE!

Thank you Jesus!!!

Day 2 - Acceptance Letter to RU:

Dear PhD Admissions Committee:

It is with great humility and honor that I, Kim Ivey, graciously and enthusiastically accept your invitation to become a member of the Rutgers Business School PhD program in Organizational Management, starting in the Fall of 2013. 

I’m truly looking forward to all that I am about to encounter (well, maybe not the lack of sleepJ).   I have believed for a long time that this is the path that I should take, one in which I can contribute the most of who I am and will become, and the means by which I can best serve the community, nation and the world.  And in a very personal way, I consider my pursuit of this PhD as an additional means by which I can lay a positive and inspirational legacy for my son. 

During my interview with the committee, I was inspired and evermore encouraged in my quest to become a business scholar and move into a new and invigorating career in academia.  I am so grateful to the committee for granting me the privilege to work under and alongside such a distinguished faculty, as well as with current and future students who will contribute to the continued excellence of the Rutgers Business School.  Again, thank you so much for this opportunity to pursue my doctoral studies as part of such a prestigious program. 

I’m about to take on the challenge of a lifetime and I truly can’t wait to start the journey!

With Sincerest Regards,

Kim Ivey

Don't talk so much

It's Sunday and we stayed home today to nurse Jonathan's cold.  I believe he finally succumbed to one of the colds going around his preschool class.  Every child in there seemed to have a runny nose last week.  A bit nasty, I must admit.  If Jonathan is still shooting out snot with every sneeze on Tuesday, I'll keep him home. I thank God for the luxury of being able to do that.  Many of the children in his class don't have that option.  Mom and Dad need to go to work outside the home and thus, they're at the mercy of Ms. Susan and Ms. Christina to ensure that their noses get cleaned.  Clearly our sweet teachers don't have time to wipe the noses of every child in the class. So runny noses galore - hurrah, hurrah (yuck!)

Anyway, I felt that this is a good time to catch up on where things are in my life.  Not much progression.  Two rejections from Auburn and VCU in terms of the PhD in Bizness programs.  A bit disappointing, but I'm seeing now - or should I say "feeling now" - that that might not be the direction beyond IBM the Lord has for me.  I don't know - I still have Rutgers, so the Lord might have some miracle up His sleeve there.  I rejoice in His mighty work whatever the outcome. Ultimately, I still don't know what the exact direction is but that's also something that I've been learning that I need to simply rest in the Lord about and to stop striving to figure it all out.

And, indeed, everything has been pointing in that direction:  All of the reading in our 40-Day Challenge of the NT (awesome)...our discussions in the small study group with three fantastic women of God - Kathie, Corey and Bic (what a blessing they are and how grateful to God I am for the courage He gave me to follow through on His prompting to lead this group)...my devotions over the last month, but particularly the last week; so many pointing to simply waiting, resting, and spending time with the Lord... and even today, the word from Pastor Prince on TV was about the fact that what God considers most Holy is the act of REST and that we should labor only to ENTER that REST.  When we do, He is able to flow through our lives with a graceful ease - bringing to us all those things we try to strategize, plan, and work for.

And then Pastor Osteen pointed out another thing the Lord has placed on my heart recently, which is to listen to His still small voice as we rest - to follow through on those impressions that He gives us that many times we simply dismiss.  For example, recently I needed gas and I sensed I should not go to my regular gas station but wait till I got on Route 27, where I was about to travel.  However, in my impatience I decided to go to my regular spot. Well, when I got on Route 27, there were about 3 stations that were selling gas from 10 to 12 cents less than what I paid.  Needless to say, I was disgusted with myself.  This kind of thing happens to me all the time.  I have to listen, listen, listen.  Leaving IBM was an act of listening.  Moving back to NJ was an act of listening.  When I do, His blessings flow.  When I don't, it's as if I tie up His hands - I block His mighty, miraculous working power.

The goal must be for Him to be absolutely, utterly, completely, without doubt, glorified in my life.  That happens through rest.  He can be glorified through my care of Jonathan - not thwarted by my anxiety, impatience, selfishness, self-centeredness, or striving to be a "great" mom in my own, mediocre power.

He can be glorified in whatever work He eventually places before me beyond this time of focused rest after IBM.  He has impressed upon me what that work will be and for now I shall keep that between Himself and I.  It is hard for me to accept because of the open-endedness of it all and because there is no way that I can add my own effort to it to make it come to pass.  I have to simply do the things He's told me to do:  spend quiet time with Him early in the morning, read the books He's led me to read, continue in my work with the small group, write regularly in my blog, and spend more time communicating with my dad.  However, the number one thing is the time with Him - just basking in His presence and listening for next steps.  To not try to plan out my next move. To not worry how anything will be funded, how things will happen.  So, that takes my hands off worrying about how I'll extend my funds until August 2014 - the time period I strongly sense that I'm to wait on Him and be led of Him to that next thing.  He is preparing me in the interim. He'll take care of preschool, summer, fall, winter clothes, healthcare payments, food, recreational stuff, my vehicle, tithes, offerings and miscellaneous and regular expenses.  He'll take care of them.  Me:  Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these other things will be given to you.

So, that's where I'm at, on the 24th day of March 2013 - 17 months more to go till August 2014.  I've been thinking about primary school teaching (maybe 3rd grade with an ESL certification).  Now, I'm not foolish, so I will research, but my research will be spirit led.  If a door opens, I'll walk through it.  If there's another direction, I'll take that.  I simply know that the thing I mentioned about that He's impressed upon me is THE work - the primary work.  There is simply preparation involved so that in that work He is MOST glorified. I will rest as Lazarus rested until Christ came to resurrect Him to new life - for indeed we worship a Savior who IS the Resurrection and the life.  In Him I move, and breathe, and have my meaning. In Him, there is a future and a hope. I will only find it through this intense time of resting, that will prepare me to be able in that next thing, to enter that rest at will.

Thank you, Jesus!

P.S.  I sense that one of the books I'm to read - and this just came to me after putting it away for the 100th time after Jonathan pulled it off the shelf - the only book he keeps pulling off my newly installed bookshelf - is Joel Osteen's "Your Best LIfe Now".  I never finished reading the book.  Instead, I listened to the book on audio, which was a blessing. However, I suppose I need to actually read the paperback version from cover to cover. So, after I finish this awesome book I'm reading now called "Greater", I'll dig into "Best Life".  Not sure what new thing the Lord will speak to me through reading it, but I look forward to the journey.

Again - Thank you, Jesus!

P.S. P.S.  I forgot!  My title to this post is based on info from my Meditations devotion today. It truly encapsulates what the Lord is doing in my life and how He desires me to live with Him - how He desires ALL of His followers to live with Him:

Click to read: Ecclesiastes 5:2
Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.

Don't talk so much.  Maybe your parents told you that as a kid. Maybe your spouse tells you that now.  Maybe your coworkers tell it to you.  Whether you've heard it or haven't, it's good advice from scripture when you are in God's presence.  Our viewpoint is so limited.  We are on earth.  We see things from an earthly perspective.  We think earthbound thoughts.  

Peter was like this when Jesus was transfigured.  He blurts out, "Lord, it is good for us to have been here.  Let us build three tabernacles.  One for you; one for Moses and one for Elijah."  Jesus didn't even respond to that statement.  Instead, a cloud covered the group, and the voice of God spoke a heavenly viewpoint:  "This is my beloved Son.  Hear Him."  Call it a mild rebuke, but God was essentially saying, "It's not what you say that really matters here, Peter.  LISTEN!"  

We are so self-centered that even when we do break through the lack of discipline and begin in earnest to have a prayer life, we naturally assume that it is what WE have to say that is all important. God simply wants us to learn to kneel, to listen, to learn from Him. He has the plan of the ages.  He has the plan for your life.  You'll never learn it by talking, but you will learn a great deal by listening to Him instead.  

Be blessed.     

Craig Thompson

Redemption

What is it - truly?

I was watching Masterpiece Theater's 2007 version of Jane Erye.  There's a piece of dialogue where Mr. Rochester asks Jane, "Do you believe in redemption?" and she responds, "If a person sins, they can be redeemed."  That line struck me.  It struck me because I've spent a lot of my adult life doing my best to live a visibly, holy life.  However, inward there is so much that is corrupt, that requires the Lord's redemptive power.  Privately, there's so much I've done and said that I would be embarressed for others to know about.  I've even, in recent months, thought evil thoughts about my own son - said evil things under my breath, like "Dummy", when he's only doing what most toddlers do.  Or I've been harsh with him - pulling him, pushing him - just evil, evil stuff.  Do I ask for forgiveness and receive the redemption made available through Christ?  Of course - as much as my actions still grate on my conscience even after seeking that forgiveness - when I ask to be forgiven, I receive the forgiveness.  And in my fleshly weakness, I typically find myself having to go back and do it again - seek that redemption - hating myself for my weakness - and yet, that same blood, it pours out.  I know that it pours out.  "How many times shall I forgive my brother - up to 7 times?" asks Peter.  Jesus's response: "Ay (my add), up to 70*7".  So, 70*7 negative thoughts, nasty words, pushy, impatient, harsh behvior times, I can go to the Father and He forgives, with the hope that with each time, the return trip gets longer and longer and longer, so that eventually there is no need to go back to Him - to be covered by the blood for that sin.

So that is redemption.  That is the blood that covers us and returns us to righteousness - to "right-standing" with God.  Its's the same forgiveness available to everyone.  Everyone.  And there - well, in a particular matter - is my struggle.  Specifically when it comes to sexual sin.  Sexual sin.

When I speak of my outward holiness, sexual sin is the thing I've fought hard with and have used at times as a measuremet of how Holy I am.  Well, I'm celibate.  That means I'm in good shape with the Lord.  In fact, that's such a HUGE thing, that I'm sure I'm okay overall in the holiness department.  That's something I can brag about: "Oh, I've been celibate for 5 yeaars!"  For some reason, I'm prone to believe that such a declaration makes people consider me a saint...worthy of praise.  However, if I were to instead say, "Well, I haven't yanked Jonathan's arm to hard to get him to stop doing something I don't want him to do for the past 2 weeks..." well, I would never say that because I would be too ashamed to admit in public that I do it at all.  We're not supposed to get impatient, or semi-abusive, harsh with our children.  No way in hell do you confess to something like that.  However, "I've been celibate for 2 years!" - THAT I want to make sure everyone knows about - or at least, I have no qualms about divulging that as a "virtuous" accomplishment.

Why?

Sexual sin, negative, harsh behavior toward your toddler, impatience and using a condescending tone with your elderly parents (guilty of that too), using expletives whenever something doesn't go your way, blaming God when something doesn't your way - all of it, every bit of it, needs the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ to put you back in right-standing with the Lord.  Period.  None is worst than the other.  They are all the same.  And yet, I continue to tout this sexual sin thing as being the end all be all of what defines just how holy or unholy you are as a person.

It's been troubling me lately, especially in terms of how I've judged others - or how I've been puzzled that the Lord still blesses and pours out his favor, grace and mercy on individuals - and manages to use, in sometimes mighty, anointed, miraculous ways, people who I know are in the midst of serious, sexual sin:  shacking up, fornicating with multiple people at the same time, or just serial fornicators, adultry - all kinds of stuff that.  Sexual behavior that, in my mind, rules out that person's usefulness in the Kingdom.  However, the Lord doesn't rule them out.  Not at all.

It makes me start to think that sexual sin might possibly not be that bad at all.  But that's a lie - cause even Paul points out in one of his letters that sexual sin is against our bodies - the same body that houses the Holy Spirit.  So, in our Father's viewpoint, there's something particularly egregious about sexual sin.  Nonetheless, it still doesn't have any ranking on it to make it either more or less important in the list of the many sins we inact against each other and above all our Father in heaven.  I just think the consequences of sexual sin might just be a bit more long-lasting and devestating in the long run than maybe some other sins.  But I'm getting off my point.

The point is that the Lord does use people in the midst of sexual sin, of hypocrisy, lies, deciet, theivery, dishonoring their parents, coveting other people's stuff, jealousy and envy - a whole host of sins - whether the person has asked for forgiveness and been redeemed or not.  He uses them. 

Now - do they have fullness of joy in their lives?  Are they living Kingdom of God lives, which is righteous, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.  I doubt it.  I can say that cause I know that I don't.  You can't have fullness of joy when you have to blurt out "f*&&%, s**+#, a**#%hole" and a number of other expletives when something inconvenient happens.  You can't have fullness of joy when you shove your 2 year old, or squeeze his arm to tight, or yell at him and you see him shake at the sound of your booming voice. There's no fullness of joy in a life raft with that kind of repetive sin - regardless of all the times you take that trip back to the Father to be forgiven and redeemed for it.

So -- redemption.  How I need it.  How I exploit it more times than I want to admit.  How I'm so grateul to God that He doesn't withold it, when in my heart, in most cases, especially when I act so un-Godly toward the love of my life, Jonathan, I surely don't deserve it.  Thank God also for all those He continues to use in the midst of their sin.  And how I hope for us all that we can, in Him, rise higher and higher above all that - to be so surrendered to the move of the Holy Spirit in our lives that the redemptive blood is ever flowing, never ebbing or diverted by our carnal choices, our bad behavior.

As Jonathan nears his 2nd birthday, I'm reminded that in the midst of my carnal choice in the early morning hours of 5/29/10, the Lord saw fit to take my sexual sin, and redeem it and turn it into the miracle of a child that I love with all my heart, and who I'm learning to live with in understanding, patience, forebearance, and continuous gratitude for every bit of who he is - the good, the bad and the ugly - and with a toddler, there can be A LOT of ugly.  Jonathan is stretching, growing, testing his limits, becoming more and more of who he is.  Lord, please keep me from getting in the way of it, but do help me to set up the right boundaries so that his expansion doesn't take him over the edge, but allows him the protective space to truly grow into who You have created him to be.  Please keep me out of the way with my ill behavior that I am too ashamed to admit to publically - but come to you, via this blog, to make it understood that I know that you know and that you are forgiving me and cleansing me and making better with each passing day.

You are making his father better too.  Good, bad or indifferent - my heady, fickle, ever-changing emotions toward Kay aside - he is Jonathan's dad.  Our sexual sin has united us for life through the blessed life of this little boy.  I'm tied to Kay.  Lord, help me to navigate this relationship.   Redeem this relationship, somehow.  Redeem it.  Make us both better for it. Not bitter.

I find myself there so much.  Bitterness and indifference.  Anger and longing.  Puzzlement, confusion.  The why, why, why of it all.  Wanting the redemption to take us to a place of true togetherness...

I was talking to April and she mentioned how Abril is going out on a lot of dates. Being asked out a lot.  I think that's wonderful.  She's 21 years old. She should be enjoying herself. She had a long-term bofriend much of High School and early in her collegiate life.  She's now taking this as an opportunity to interview new candidates for her heart. That's as it should be.

I never dated much at her age.  It was crushes, infatuations and then a series of long-term relationships and now, here in my mid-40s, I'm left with this semi-requited "something" that I can't really define, that doesn't appear to have any future (yes, I'm talking about me and Kay) and at the same time, feeling hopeless about Kay, I hold on to this other, corresponding hope for something "definite" with the kind of man I can really grow in life with and build a family with - who will love Jonathan as his own - a man like Joyce Meyer's Dave Meyer.  But  - in my heart of hearts - I'm still hoping that Kay is that man.  Just a crazy, mixed up mess, that has dumped me squarely in a pile of apathetic, "I don't want to be bothered at all." And at the center of that pile is some kind of device that has completely sucked out any kind of sexual desire or longing - and is starting to do a work of aging on my face and body.  Me is disappearing in a way before I"ve really been found and it's discouraging at best - completely, mentally excrutiating and dehbilitating at worst.  So, I have this persistent want of a life with Kay - that doesn't seem to have any logical basis or ability to ever hapen in a way that would be satisfying for either of us AND no real sexual component with the want.  And no sexual compoent with the other want (the other guy like Dave Meyer that in reality I'm really hoping ends up being Olukayode Oladeji).  So dang, dang, strange. So strange.

Anyway, back to my comments about Abril (which do make sense in this whole redemption discussion).  She's dating - and that's  good.  Very good.  However, in my confused, wondering why my love life is in such a state and how come I never had that kind of expereience of multiple guys asking me out and going out on dates behavior, mindset, I burst out to April this crazy question about whether or not Abril was in a generation where there are more boys than girls (seemingly like Jonathan's generation - cause a lot of boys have been born in the past two years and not as many girls). My mindset is such that that was my first explanation for why she's going out on so many dates.  Not that possibly, Abril's generation has a breed of young men who actually know what it means to boldly and courageously ask out a girl who they are interested in - and that Abril IS the kind of beautiful, intelligent, sweet-natured, and confident young lady that this sort of young man would ask out.  No, that didn't come to my mind first.  Of course, April proceeded to correct me -kindly. I felt like a heel and didn't even have the goodness to apologize for my goofuh.  I just quickly agreed with her and threw in, for good measure, a heartfelt, "Oh, yeah, Abril is beautiful!"  Pitiful.

I bring this exchange up, because it brought to my mind the fact that youthere are a lot of normal people in this world, meeting other normal people, going out on normal dates, getting engaged and married and having normal careers, families and lives.  Their lives aren't racked with a lot of psychological trauma or drama either.  They roll with the punches. They take the hits and jabs of life as they come and they don't roll up into fetal postions, lash out at others, or have pity parties. They laugh when they should laugh, they cry when they should cry. They tell the truth - they might lie sometimes.  Some believe in Jesus as their savior and others no God at all.  Though, I have to think that at least if you have Christ - you have much more than this life to look forward to - you have everything to look forward to - though I'm still learning what it means to look forward to the "promise" because I'm still a bit too tied to this side of things.  I think it's because I'm still hoping for some of that normal stuff I listed above or at least to rise above all the mixed up stuff in my life to get to normal.

I'm not there yet.

It's that redemption thing still being worked out - for those of us in Christ - we know of what that means - and that it is that alone which moves us to "normalcy" - whatever that is for the idiosyncratic we that we are.

I wonder, really, if the Lord specically calls to himself, those, like myself, who are freakishlyjacked up in the mind and heart.  I look at the saints in the Bible and most of them had issues, so I guess I might have something there.  The truly normal people I described above, who have a relatioship with Christ, I'm sure have thriving relationships with Him, but I just don't think that they're hanging by their toe nails on Him to live a life that is manageable - crying out to Him on a continual basis - and constantly having to get some stupid thing they've done or said redeemed.

That's me.

So Redemption.  The point of this post.  He redeems us all - He redeems it all.  And He's working in my life.  He's making a way. He's gonna make a way for Jonathan and me and maybe eventually Jonathan, me and some guy.  Some Kay (reference, end of my post here:  http://but-for-his-grace.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-am-convinced.html).

Yeah, I'm gonna throw Kay in here one more time at the end of this post - as he's part of so many posts.  As men in general are part of so many posts.  Maybe my first book will be about that.  This whole obsession with elationship and how it can be almost toxic and soul killing the longer we go without it.  I''ll use my mom as a case study.  Again, a future blog post... 

But I've gotta throw Kay in there again.  Afterall, I still have Jane Eyre Part II to watch (again, see reference post above).  Mr. Rochester is my type and shadow of Kay.  I'm Jane.  She went away. I went away - I'd like to go even further away (Auburn - do you hear me - or Florida Atlantic U (if I do creative writing - that's for a future blog post) - do you hear me).  And then she returned. He was changed. She was changed.  They were now able to be together.

A story of redemption played out in full, tangible (at least to me) effect...

A call to Hobby Lobby - or a sign from Auburn?

Pulled in so many directions.  My PhD dreams have wained in the wake of such horrific GMAT scores and then seeing that I submitted a couple of my essays with glaring typos.  Ouch!  However, I've been having this strong sense about Auburn.  That I might actually get considered for the program at Auburn - a program that accepts at most 2-3 new candidates per year.  How in the world - why in the world would they consider me?  And if I get called for an interview - what the heck am I gonna say??? 

Hmmm - what did Jesus tell the disciples:

Luke 12:11-12 "...do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, ¹² for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."

So, I have to think likewise.  That if the Lord sees fit to open this door, He has a very good reason and He will make it all happen.  There will be a purpose for me and Jonathan in Auburn, AL. There will be a purpose.

I'm currently seeing  a more focused pursuit of my writing - but I also know that I really want to pull together some serious research skills to undertake the kind of writing that I really want to do - which runs the gamut from memoir to truly, hard science or at least, substantiated research on stuff like purpose and calling - living with consequences - living Holy and single - living.  Auburn can make that happen.  I can present my words under the guise of the shrewdness of this world, whick will allow me to sneak in the truth of God.  Maybe I'm not saying that right.  Plus, I dont' need the credentials, really.  The disciples, after Jesus' ressurection, suddenly, through the Holy Spirit, had all they needed to become great teachers and preachers.  I don't need Auburn.  However, I was supenaturally led to apply to thiese PhD programs, despite my lack of background and skills and specially, first to Auburn as the main school to apply to.  I got a bit thrwarted with VCU, because of the dreams about VA, but Auburn was the first school the Lord laid on my heart.  AL.  Something about returning to AL.

And that takes me to Hobby Lobby.  I was there today to buy Kay a house warming present (found a cool painting that matches his decor - it spells out Proverbs 3:5) and art supplies so I can create Jonathan's Sprout TV Birthday card (Please LORD, let Jonathan's get on TV - while we're watching).  As soon as Jonathan and I entered, a spirit of peace came over me.  Hobby Lobby always did that in AL.  It's a spiritual place, I believe.  It's annointed by the Holy Spirit because the owners revere and honor the Lord, in every way.  That filters down to each franchise - maybe moreso in some than in others.  It defnintely is there at the new Piscataway, NJ store (sadly, the one in Tuscaloosa, that I did so much shopping in, was destroyed during the 2011 tornado).

Right up front there was info about full-time positions.  They actually pay - nationwide - 13 per hour, full-time, w/benefits, vacation, and 401K.  They pay 9/hr part time. They're not open on Sundays and they close every night at 8PM.  The main thought that came to me is:  I could work here - happily.  And doing so would give me a lil income to allow me to pursue my writing full throttle. That this income with my savings could hold me over till I got a legitimate publishing deal of some sort or at least start pulling in regular income from self-publishing.

Just a thought.

But maybe a thought that's simply connected with the pull back down south. A pull back to AL.

Lord - it's You alone that I hope in and who I depend.  You have set a path before me.  Help me to simply discern, follow.

Praise.
Commit.
Trust!

Allow, Allow, Allow!  That's all I need and must do.  It's just a lot of fun to consider all the possibilities. 

Only You Lord - we're depending on You Lord...

The gentleman that has been harrassing Lolita - a guy we went to school with - is now out of jail and back to calling her.  He just hangs up now.  Doesn't leave a message or try to talk to her like in the past - these past 2 years or so now - way too long.  And now he's calling her from an Ohio number. The hope is that he is in Ohio and not in the tri-state area.  He's clearly not well and needs to be treated - delivered.  And that is our greater hope:  That he be delivered, healed, and set free.   But the immediate hope, in our Lord and unmatchless Saviour, is that He move in this man's heart and mind to leave Lolita alone.

Lord, I know that you have a great call on Lolita's life and sometimes You allow these "thorns" in our flesh to keep us humble.   However, Lolita already had a great thorn with the trauma of her upbringing.   I suppose I'll never understand why this too.  However, I know You are greater than our thorns and greater than our need to know why.  And yes, I admit Lord, that as a mother, and being connected to Lolita, I'm concerned for myself and my family, as well.   So, I come to You in great faith and anguish of heart and plead with you to protect us all - especially Lolita - to protect as you specify in your word - in Psalm 91. I declare this word now and in the precious and mighty name of Jesus, I cancel the attack and plans of the enemy to harrass, upset, or cause harm in anyway through  the weaknesses in this man.   I know that's it's a spirtual demon and, as such, I declare William FREE in Jesus' name.  Indeed, yes, I say, in the name of Jesus - COME OUT!!! And believe it to be so...that like the men and women full of demons who were soon in their right mind after a word from our Lord and Savior, William is also walking in his right mind, full of the Holy Spirit and declaring the goodness of God over his life. Protect Lolita, protect all who are connected to her and all who are around her. Be her front and rear guard. Set your angels charge over her.  Be her cloud in the day and her pillar of fire at night.   Be her all in all.

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”

³ Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler^[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
⁴ He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
⁵ You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
⁸ Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

⁹ Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
¹⁰ No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
¹¹ For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.¹² In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

¹⁴ “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
¹⁵ He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”

Procrastination and insomnia

I've been suffering from both the past couple of days.  It's early morning, Tuesday morning.  I'm not even gonna look at the clock. It will only depress me. I've just wasted an evening watching YouTube videos and catching up on the new Real Husbands of Hollywood show starring Kevin Hart (which was actually a worthwhile diversion - the show is hilarious).  And I've also discovered some cool new music - a guy name Gotye, from Australia, who won record of the year at this year's grammy for a great song called "Someone that I used to know", which features this amazing female singer from New Zealand named Kimbra.  They both sing this sorta electronica, groove, jazzy kind of music.  So distinct.  So, with that and Justin Timberlake coming out with a new album AND my ability after about 7 years of NOT being able to focus on music cause I've been so brain dead from work --  I mean, I can't remember the last time I really listened to music -- my diversions and procrastination - my insomnia, I suppose are all well founded.

But I don't want them to be.

This post is my "focused" writing for the day that I promised to start doing daily in my last post.  I see now that following through on that promise might be a hard thing.  I suppose it's a vestige of my lack of diligence that was part of my inertia with work in the last few months.  I knew I was leaving, so I got done what was necessary - well, actually more than that, cause that was always a demand of the job, in fact, all the way up to my last few minutes on my last day at the job -- but I got the necessary work done at a less dedicated, feverish pace than what I expended pre-Jonathan.  That's also why I knew I could NOT take that Editing Job.  It would have been a sham.  There was no more me in that work.  Not at all.  So, those last few months, I was experiencing issues getting up at a decent time.  Even when Jonathan wakes me up at 6 or 6:30 - I tend to have to get at least another 30 minutes, and then I slowly make my bed and move to his room.  Thankfully, he enjoys his alone time talking to his stuffed animals and isn't miffed with me that I don't immediately go in to him when he first wakes up - but that's what I want.  I want - REALLY - to wake up before he does and have those minutes of quiet with the Lord that I despeartely need - work out and shower, get dressed and then go in to Jonathan fully alert and ready for us to start our day.  This lethargical way I've been these past couple of months makes it so that we don't end up downstairs for breakfast until about 9:30 - which is way too late. And sometimes I'm still not dressed.

It's a bad habit that has to end.

Now the not being able to sleep thing - I'm not sure what that's all about.  That's not cool.  I guess it's the over stimulation with the music these past couple of nights.  So, that's gonna end.  That will be a big help with getting me settled down at a reasonable hour for sleep.  As it stands now, I've yet to do my reading for our 40-Day Bible Challenge and that has to be done before I go to sleep tonight.

Okay -- enough of all this confessional/moaning/groaning/woe is me business.  I have the Spirit of the Living God in me who can enable me to do ANYTHING.  He can get me up at a reasonable time and out of the bed and open a space to spend with him, work out, shower and get dressed and into Jonathan by his post-30 minute wake up time. I guess my one request is that that wake up time be more like 7 AM (which it was on Monday) than 6 or 6:30.   Of course, daylight savings time starts soon, so that means his 7AM will turn to 6AM and I'll have to pray for homeboy to be one hour more tired once March rolls around.

Challenges, challenges:-)  Regardless:  Hearing his voice the first thing in the mornig - however, intrusive to my sleep:-), is still the most amazing sound in all the world - and seeing him - those eyes - that bushy head - that mini-man body - that smile - first thing in the morning - regardless of how groggy I am - IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST parts of my day.  Hands down.  Hands down.

Always.

The writer inside me

So, I'm getting that inkling that what I should be doing is writing.  Maybe not so much fiction, but creative non-fiction and that I could use this blog as a gateway to that next thing.  I don't know.  A million people have blogs now adays.  Everyone has an opinion.  No one makes really good money writing a blog, at least I don't know anyone who does.  And to be honest, when it comes to a career in writing, I really want to be that woman who simply writes and doesn't have to do anything to promote it, market it.  It just gets promoted via word of mouth and folks appreciate what I have to say, look forward to what I have to say next, and I get paid enough out of the effort - the JOY, really.  On top of all that, I'd still be able to live a quiet life, maybe in a cute home in East Millstone, or maybe Palm Beach, FL - and to travel from time to time with Jonathan.

That's my dream.

So - maybe it's not that far-fetched.  If I could get published in a big way somewhere - like the "Love" column in the NY Times.  That would be a nice seque into a publishing deal - possibly one of those cool artsy foundation grants/fellowships.  Something like that.

It's a matter of discovering my niche. Of figurinig out what I really should be creatively, non-fiction writing about.

I keep thinking that it would have something to do that is allegorical in nature - that somehow slips in the gospel and pricks the hearts of skeptics.

How?

I also have a particular, I would say, God-given insight about relationships and people. I guess it's part of my "perceiving' spirtual gift.  I believe the Lord could use me to relate wisdom and understanding about those things in the writing He pours through me.

I guess I just have to do it.  To discipline myself to write.  Every day.  To daily add something to the blog - and to be intentional about what I write.  And if it means carrying out an idea through several days, then doing that.

Possibly at the end of a year I'll have a portfolio of stuff that is worth something - and maybe this ALLOWING year will be a year for the Lord to move me into the places I need to be so that my writing can be seen, read, appreciated and ultimately PAID for.

Okay.  That is what I will do and I will do it in the spirit of George Mueller: By prayer and faith alone. I need not tell anyone.   I need not make any grand annoucement, well outside of this private blog:-).  If it's the Lord's will and I'm diligent about doing the part I can do, which is sitting down with this netbook every day and writing, the rest will follow.

That is what I believe.