Aspirations

I'm mentoring a student who attends a new technical High School in Brooklyn, co-founded by IBM. Her name is La Kya, and she's very sweet. For one of our assignments, we had to list some aspirations/goals that we have in life. I listed my travel goals in the previous post. Here are some others:

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I must accomplish this in my CAREER: The Lord has blessed me to accomplish everything I wanted to in my current career. My next goal is that the Lord allow me to start a whole new career as a practicing PhD in Social Work, utilizing my scholarship as an active researcher/instructor in the discipline, and as an accomplished non-fiction writer, and most importantly, as a founder of a non-profit that provides funding to individuals in full-time Christian service (particularly those working with Sexual Abuse survivors and victims). The non-profit would also provide a free retreat center for these individuals, located in a quiet peaceful setting, where they can recharge and relax. My research focus will be a mix of exploring the Christian ethos as a factor in the lives of Christian sexual abuse victims AND (possibly an odd mix) the use of creative interior design/decorating to generate healing, peace, harmony in the lives of individuals and families.

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I must LEARN how to: ride a motorcycle, mountain bike, ski black diamonds, play the piano, play the guitar, latin ballroom dance, knit

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I must MEET this person: My husband to be! (If not actually, re-meet him:->)

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I must READ this: The Bible - front to back.

God Will Answer Your Prayer!

"Father, answer prayer. You want to be glorified in our world, and we
want to enjoy you every day. Surprise and delight our dejected hearts
with specific answers to prayer today. Just say "yes", so we can....BE ENCOURAGED!
- Tim Cooper

Petitions:

1. A deeper, more significant, more intimate, spirit-filled walk with Christ -- honing my ears to hear, my eyes to see, my heart to obey - to love Him with all my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength!
2. The wisdom, courage, discipline and humility to be a loving, caring mother for Jonathan and his younger brother (whom the Lord spoke to me through scripture I will bear), raising them in the admonition of Christ.
3. Every prayer and scripture spoken over my children's lives for their good and to your glory come to pass, such as their being an example of Godliness to their generation, walking in the fruit of the spirit, pursuing You with abandon, thirsty and hungry for the word, bonded to one or two Godly friends in Christ from a young age until they go home to you, a Godly, sold out for Christ spouse, remaining sexually pure until marriage, walking out your specific purpose for their lives, prosperity in health and wealth, intellectually vigorous and exceptional, world travelers, that they are the start of a Godly heritage from my womb, raising children who will love the Lord even more than they do.
4. The ability to leave IBM be a stay-at-home mother AND delve into the ministry writing and missions work that I'm purposed to carry out.
5. That Kay truly receive Jesus Christ as His Lord and Savior and that his heart continue toward a more consecrated relationship with the Father and that the spirit of truth rise up to an overflow in his life, with continued evidence of a better relationship with his wife and children, if not also reconciliation and restoration of his marriage.
6. Complete deliverance from my prevailing attraction and longing for Kay and an ease, honesty, and Godly love and respect in our interactions as we parent Jonathan.
7. A Christ-Centered marriage, where we, by the power of the Holy Spirit, speak truth to each other in love and grace, endeavoring to be used by God to help the other become the man, woman, parent, friend, employee, child, sibling, relative and citizen God has purposed us to be.
8. Being blessed to conceive a son, consecrated to Christ from the womb in 2014 (the year of God's double (7+7) perfection), my 47th year of life, and to experience his healthy birth in 2015, my 48th year of life (as I have perceived how it will come to pass in my spirit).
9. Clear, undeniable, specific confirmation that Mia is making a turn for the better in You, emotionally, inter-personally and mentally.
10. Godly, suitable spouses and a healthy child/children for Dana, Lolita, Terri, Sandy, and Mia; Godly Suitable spouses for April, Anita, VerRonda, Joanne, Katie, Mona, Rachel, Wendy & Wanda, and Jessica.
11. Bill Scott receives Christ as His savior and the Lord blesses him with a good paying job w/benefits and a Godly wife.
12. Dot Fowler returns to an abiding relationship with Christ and is blessed with a permanent, good paying job w/benefits.
13. Yoan and Jen are blessed with another child and Yoan receives Christ as his savior and they, as a family , return to fellowship w/other believers.
14. Kim and Adam are blessed with a child and continued happiness and the ability to live closer or in the same town and Kim & Chad's music thrive and become known throughout the world, to your Glory and fame.
15. Continue compassion and understanding between my parents and the release of unforgiveness and old resentments in my mother's heart - my father's deliverance from any untoward behavior or other destructive habits that have hindered the marriage and his ability to maintain friendships - that the spirit of God's love reign supreme and that both understand to the core how much Christ loves them.
16. Continued strong health and minds for Jonathan's grandparents - till his High School graduation and beyond.
17. Continued good health, strong minds and bodies for me and Kay so we are here to experience and enjoy Jonathan's children.
18. Jonathan and his half-siblings eventually become close friends.
19. A specific location for Jakin Sanctuary retreat center that would also serve as the location of a home that I share with my husband and our children.
20. Travel to all the locations in my heart to see and to do a lot of it with my husband and children (see locations below).
21. Brandon truly receiving Jesus Christ as his savior and his return to fellowship and an abiding walk with Christ.
22. Salvation and fellowship with other believers for Junito & his family, Alex, Anthony, Maria, Marc & Marjorie and other friends near to me who have not received Christ or are backslidden.
23. A deeper more abiding walk with Christ and regular fellowship and accountability for Phil Barnes, Phil Carr, Joel Hodge and Darryl Morris. If they have not truly received Christ as their savior, for them to do so!

I base these petitions on the following:

All of God's promises are Yes and Amen!

With man it is impossible, but not with God. With God all things are possible.

Believe what you ask for without doubting and you will have what you ask.

Our Father can do immeasurably above and beyond what we hope and imagine

He rewards those who richly seek Him

You have not because you ask not - so ask so that you will have

Knock and the door will be opened, seek and you will find, ask and you will be answered

Be believing, not unbelieving!!

Travel hopes:

Seville (Spain) - Rome, Tuscanny, Venice (Italy) - Paris (again and again), Provence (France) - Ireland (again and again - back to the SW Coast and also Northern Ireland) - Copenhagen (Denmark) - Croatia - Prague (Czekoslovakia) - Israel (tour the breathe of it) - Tunisia and Morocco - Turkey - Vienna (Austria) - London (again) (England) - Namibia, Nigeria, Botswana, South Africa (Africa) - Venezuala - Argentina - Uraguay - Gallapogos Islands (off of Chile) - Mexico City, Oaxaca, San Miguel de Allende (Mexico) - Tokyo, Kyoto (Japan) - India (tour the breathe of it) - Sri Lanka -The Bahamas, Jamaica, St. Barts (again) (Caribbean) - San Francisco, Napa Valley (California) - Key West, Disney World, St. Augustine, Miami, Micanopy, Fort Myers (Florida) - A Cruise around Alaska, all the State Parks in the US

My Hope

Back in November of 2009, I wrote these words of hope. I believe they still stand today - one actually being fulfilled through Jonathan's miraculous arrival in my life! A few in progress...others still to be accomplished. I rest in an assurance and trust that the Lord did not allow these words to be written without giving me the confidence that He has the power and grace to bring them to past. I shall endeavor to hold fast to my confession of Hope and FAITH. I trust in my Father alone.

MY HOPE

A man to love

A child to raise (YAY!! Jonathan -- Thank you, LORD!)

A ministry to run

A book or books to write

A deeper more abiding relationship with Him as all these things come to pass

A deeper faith that they can - that they will come to pass

A fuller assurance that I can depend on Him

A firmer confidence that He will not allow me to fall

A greater understanding of His ways and eternity

A lesser dependence on the here and now

A certified hope that my dreams will not curse or punish me

A trust that He is faithful and knows my hurts, my wants, my needs

A belief that He heard the prayers of those interceding for me

A belief that He has heard my prayers, as well

A lessening of the sadness and despondency

A heightened sense of joy

A greater peace

A God to Glorify and Serve

A better me

A forgiven me when better is not achieved...

My Love Letter to God

I wrote this back in June - the halfway mark in this great year of God's favor, blessings, grace and forgiveness! I think it's suitable for me to publicly make this declaration as the year draws to a close.

May these words from the deepest part of my heart carry me into the New Year and beyond. To the Lord God almighty -- my Abba Daddy -- my all in all: I LOVE YOU!
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Dear Lord, there are not enough words. I have a great love for Jonathan. He rocks my world. To the very depths of myself, I love him and am so grateful for him. I don't believe any man, any vocation, and gift will ever surpass the love and devotion - the passion - that I have for that little boy. Only my love for You surpasses it.

I love you because You are persistent. You are dependable. You are reliable. You have been my absolute, closest, dearest friend in ALL the earth. No one knows me like you know me, and yet you still stick around! In my loneliest, more painful times, you've been there. I think that's what it really comes down to. I can't make it any more simple. When all else passes away - you are. That's it. So, I find myself caught up in some prickly, intentional sins, gripped by fear and anxiety, blocked by petty resentments and jealously, bound up with procrastination and selfishness. You are. You remain. You stay. You hold me. I care for Kay. I love him --- am in love with him (but desiring to fall out of this prevailing love for him), however, he'll never take your place in my life. No one can. That's it. No one can. You're it for me, Lord. You satisfy me. I see myself walking through the botanical gardens in Birmingham. In the thickest part of the park -- no one around, but feeling perfectly safe. You were with me. You're always with me.

Lord, I love you. I'm in love with you. I long for you. I need you. That will never, ever, ever change. If I have a hard time bonding with any man -- being nitty gritty tight with any woman -- it's because I've been created and made to be devoted and tight with no one other than you, first and foremost. You were gracious to give me one other to love on almost as strongly, but still leap years away - and that's Jonathan. My child will never love me back the way I love him. However, what little love I show you - that I think is so overwhelmingly great -- can never compare to the deep, abiding, rich, magnificent and perfect love that you have for me. Nothing.

I love you Lord. I love you my Father. I LOVE YOU!!!

Walking with God

This was part of one of my devotions today:

It is so easy to lose perspective. How effortless it can be to place our emphasis on actions! We can feel that our success in the Kingdom of God is based on the deeds we’ve done. Sometimes we even feel guilty and inadequate if we haven’t received attention.Yes, God wants us to be kind and compassionate, to demonstrate His power and participate in ministry, to receive His blessing. But we must never lose sight of this fact: God first wants our personal, intimate fellowship. He wants us to walk with Him, not just once in a while, but every day.

It really touched me. I read it in the wake of some powerful teaching out of a Merlin Carothers book - Power in Praise - that I read last night. That teaching spoke also about being liberated from "works" or specific actions to gain merit in our Father's eyes. It's something that I continuously wrestle with -- it's the main reason why I started this blog: to be a regular place to relate my struggles with walking in the Grace and Mercy of God vs my striving to please Him through my own efforts.

Merlin spoke about how those of us who have received Christ AND asked for the in-filling of the Holy Spirit (to be saturated by the Spirit so that our lives are fully and completely surrendered to Jesus Christ - to do His will as He directs) should live in faith that we indeed HAVE this eternal salvation, this infilling, this eternal forgiveness, this eternal power through the Holy Sprit, this eternal authority in the name of Jesus, this eternal love - we have everything we need in Christ.

He encouraged praying in tongues, i.e., our personal prayer language, reiterating some former teaching I've received about how when we pray this way, the Holy Spriti is able to communicate directly to the Father things we could never utter on our own -- things not in our conscience minds, but deep in our subconscience. Also, we're able to intercede for others about things that we're not even aware of. In a nutshell, so much healing can take place in the life of an individual who exercises his/her prayer language, as well as in the lives of those near and dear to them.

There are so many people around me in need of prayer and I've been struggling to stay on track with those prayers or, when I remember, to know what to pray. So, I'm endeavoring to be consistent with my praying in tongues. To start the day and end the day in this manner. I expect to see some drastic and amazing changes taking place - in my work, my family, in the lives of my co-workers and friends, in my spirit and mind. I believe strongly that my neglecting to do so is the reason why I've been feeling so powerless and confused and discouraged lately.

Oh, Holy Spirit, how much I need for You to interecede for me and others with moanings and groanings only you can express!

Please have Your way - have Your way!!

Jonathan is 8 months old!! And he celebrated his first ever Halloween on October 31, 2011. Our wonderful friends in Tucson, Yoan, Jen and Sophie, were too sweet and sent Jonathan Sophie's first Halloween costume: Tigger from Winne the Pooh! We didn't go trick-or-treating. But we went out our usual evening stroll and watched the other trick-or-treaters in their costumes (or not -- that sorta irritates me that a lot of kids go out without any costumes and expect candy!). We also, as you can tell, took loads of pics on this special occassion:-).

Oh, Jonathan, you look so scrumptious. You are still so incredibly wonderful, so incredibly happy, so incredibly smart, so incredibily energetic, so incredibly unique, so incredibly YOU! I praise God in my heart continuously for you. I want to shout it out every day -- YOU'RE the GREATEST! You've made my mediocre life great and I'm so grateful for God that He deemed me worthy to take care of you.

So, I have your images and a few comments about you in this personal blog that might at some point get aired out in public, public...maybe not. Anyway, I believe you really need your OWN blog. Something that reflects your sanguine nature and not your mom's melacholy/choleric nature:-/. So, mommy has a goal of starting a new blog just for you maybe for your 9 month milestone -- that would be equivalent to the 9 months you were in my belly and I think that would be quite appropo.

So, keep a look out for it Jon Asher (only I can call u that!). And let's pray that mommy is able to keep it up for the next 18 years -- Lord, bless me to keep it up for at least the next 18 years!

So here I am

A decision was finally made regarding me and my baby's dad. All the wrestling in my soul and heart over our situation - the pulling in me to stay in it -- the sense that there was a purpose in us continuing to be "together" in a "not so much what I had always envisioned for myself in a relationship with the father of my child" dealio. It all finally came to a head in mid-July. I knew that I had to either continue moving forward as we were - with no promise that we would ever truly be together in the legal, covenant sense of the word - and me essentially being in an adultrous relationship, since he was not moving toward divorce - and me knowing in my heart that to ask for or pray for divorce was not a pleasing petition to the Father (I couldn't get those words out of my mouth or even in a groaning prayer in my heart) - OR - I simply close the door on our conjugal tie and leave it at a co-parent relationship only. Cordial. Friendly. With hopes that my longing for him would dissipate over time.

The Lord worked it out for me.

It took about 21 days, but at the end, I was disentangled. I knew I would eventually be able to turn aside from what I was hoping to be, but likely never could.

One of my previous blog entries mentioned how someone's life was a stake in this whole situation. That was true. My life. I wish I could say that I had never slept with him again after our single daliance on 5/29/2010, which conceived our beautiful son. I still can't figure out why I didn't say no, withstand his advances when I was just 4-weeks post-partum. Why after heading to the emergency room later that evening because of sudden chills and a 103 degree temperature, clearly brought on by my body being shocked by that brief act (it was too painful and gory to finish -- sorry for being so graphic) - why did I still sleep with him again and again, each time intensely painful, each time my heart breaking open and spilling out around me because, though I felt a need to be entangled, I could sense that the entangling would eventually tie me up and and cast me into a sea of remorse and regret.

Indeed, that's where I ended up after the 21 days and still have to work on when those self-condemnation feelings come up -- the "Kim, why were you so foolish...what were you thinking??!" thoughts try to take over.

I'm not sure his professions of love were sincere. And I don't know if what I was feeling was love or just that crazy hormonol longing in the wake of having a child and really needing to be in a family way. I suppose I took our sleeping together to mean so much more. Now, in hindsight, I see what it essentially was: screwing. There was no love making there. It's impossible when the Holy Spirit who dwells within you is partaking in something that grieves Him so badly, when our Father can't enter in and be there in the midst as we connect, when our Saviour has to bow His head in intercession for us, as we ignore His very presence and the large sum that He paid for our bodies -- for we are not our own, we were brought with a price.

So I am here -- repented, forgiven, casting down all imaginations, and endeavoring to keep myself from self-condemnation, for there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus our Lord. A truth that I must live and believe.

I continue to pray for Jonathan's dad. I continue to thank the Lord that he is the father of my son, for he is a good man, and a caring man, in his own way, and a generous man. The Lord blessed Jonathan with a Godly heritage on both sides, a dad who is hard-working and responsible. I know that the Spirit of Truth that rose up in me and continues to sustain me in the wake of my decision - especially when old pangs of longing rear their messy heads - is also rising up in Jonathan's dad. That either he will take steps to reconcile with his ex and ressurrect their marriage, or they will go their separate ways, cordially, so that each can begin anew.

For me, my desire remains for family. For Jonathan and I to be knit with a man who I am suited to, who I can support and encourage, and who the Lord deems me to be his corresponding part- a man who loves the Lord and will live with me in understanding and love and care for Jonathan as if he is his very own. And yes, a man who will encourage and support my longing to take care of home & family as my primary occupation.

I'll continue to believe that by some miraculous move by God that this man will walk into my life and Jonathan and I into his - and very soon. That not by any works or good deeds or good behavior or perfect decision-making on my part, but simply by the Lord's mercy and grace extended to me and Jonathan. For that ENSURES that He gets all the glory, all the thanksgiving, and all the praise!

Belief takes a person far. "It's your faith..."as Jesus said so eloquently, so consistently, so frequently.

It's my faith...