A decision was finally made regarding me and my baby's dad. All the wrestling in my soul and heart over our situation - the pulling in me to stay in it -- the sense that there was a purpose in us continuing to be "together" in a "not so much what I had always envisioned for myself in a relationship with the father of my child" dealio. It all finally came to a head in mid-July. I knew that I had to either continue moving forward as we were - with no promise that we would ever truly be together in the legal, covenant sense of the word - and me essentially being in an adultrous relationship, since he was not moving toward divorce - and me knowing in my heart that to ask for or pray for divorce was not a pleasing petition to the Father (I couldn't get those words out of my mouth or even in a groaning prayer in my heart) - OR - I simply close the door on our conjugal tie and leave it at a co-parent relationship only. Cordial. Friendly. With hopes that my longing for him would dissipate over time.
The Lord worked it out for me.
It took about 21 days, but at the end, I was disentangled. I knew I would eventually be able to turn aside from what I was hoping to be, but likely never could.
One of my previous blog entries mentioned how someone's life was a stake in this whole situation. That was true. My life. I wish I could say that I had never slept with him again after our single daliance on 5/29/2010, which conceived our beautiful son. I still can't figure out why I didn't say no, withstand his advances when I was just 4-weeks post-partum. Why after heading to the emergency room later that evening because of sudden chills and a 103 degree temperature, clearly brought on by my body being shocked by that brief act (it was too painful and gory to finish -- sorry for being so graphic) - why did I still sleep with him again and again, each time intensely painful, each time my heart breaking open and spilling out around me because, though I felt a need to be entangled, I could sense that the entangling would eventually tie me up and and cast me into a sea of remorse and regret.
Indeed, that's where I ended up after the 21 days and still have to work on when those self-condemnation feelings come up -- the "Kim, why were you so foolish...what were you thinking??!" thoughts try to take over.
I'm not sure his professions of love were sincere. And I don't know if what I was feeling was love or just that crazy hormonol longing in the wake of having a child and really needing to be in a family way. I suppose I took our sleeping together to mean so much more. Now, in hindsight, I see what it essentially was: screwing. There was no love making there. It's impossible when the Holy Spirit who dwells within you is partaking in something that grieves Him so badly, when our Father can't enter in and be there in the midst as we connect, when our Saviour has to bow His head in intercession for us, as we ignore His very presence and the large sum that He paid for our bodies -- for we are not our own, we were brought with a price.
So I am here -- repented, forgiven, casting down all imaginations, and endeavoring to keep myself from self-condemnation, for there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus our Lord. A truth that I must live and believe.
I continue to pray for Jonathan's dad. I continue to thank the Lord that he is the father of my son, for he is a good man, and a caring man, in his own way, and a generous man. The Lord blessed Jonathan with a Godly heritage on both sides, a dad who is hard-working and responsible. I know that the Spirit of Truth that rose up in me and continues to sustain me in the wake of my decision - especially when old pangs of longing rear their messy heads - is also rising up in Jonathan's dad. That either he will take steps to reconcile with his ex and ressurrect their marriage, or they will go their separate ways, cordially, so that each can begin anew.
For me, my desire remains for family. For Jonathan and I to be knit with a man who I am suited to, who I can support and encourage, and who the Lord deems me to be his corresponding part- a man who loves the Lord and will live with me in understanding and love and care for Jonathan as if he is his very own. And yes, a man who will encourage and support my longing to take care of home & family as my primary occupation.
I'll continue to believe that by some miraculous move by God that this man will walk into my life and Jonathan and I into his - and very soon. That not by any works or good deeds or good behavior or perfect decision-making on my part, but simply by the Lord's mercy and grace extended to me and Jonathan. For that ENSURES that He gets all the glory, all the thanksgiving, and all the praise!
Belief takes a person far. "It's your faith..."as Jesus said so eloquently, so consistently, so frequently.
It's my faith...
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