My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Matthew 27:46 (NKJV)

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”


These final words from Jesus have become particularly significant to me in recent years.  There have been many times when I have felt that God was missing in action, had forgotten me, that maybe - maybe he really didn't like me that much.  The words, "Do you hate me God?!" have escaped from my lips more times than I would like to admit.  My prayers appeared to be hitting a brick wall.  I've felt utterly alone.  Despondent and discouraged, my faith in Him whittling with each unanswered prayer.

Interestingly, though, I was not aware until I started to write down what I wanted to say about these words did I discover that King David had made the exact utterance to God in a Psalm - Psalm 22:1 to be exact:

Psalm 22:1 (NIV)

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?

In this Psalm, David put into beautiful and powerful language the degree of his  upset about God's seeming absence in his time of great need...in his time of fear and anxiousness...in his time of persecution and danger.  Where was this great God that he revered - this God who enabled him to slay the mighty Goliath.  Where was God when he needed him most.

I identified with David.  His words resonated with me.

However, like David, what has kept me from completely abandoning my God...what enables me to remain hopeful that ultimately, ultimately He will come through for me, is that He continuously brings to remembrance what He has done for me in the past.  In the midst of his crying out to God, David managed to give Him praise for the myriad of ways that He had shown up for David and the nation of Israel.  David's Psalm reminded me that that the words of Jesus are true:  He will never leave us or forsake us.

I can believe this because for one moment in time, our great Lord and Savior, the altogether lovely one, our Wonderful Counselor, and Prince of Peace - for one moment in time, this promise - that God would never leave us or forsake us, was not true for him.  For one moment in time - for David's sake, for my sake, for the sake of the whole world - Jesus was utterly, completely, and absolutely cutoff from the Father.  Our sin upon Him, his Abba Father, His daddy, had to turn his back upon Him.  

And in this, we can realize the extent of Jesus' sacrifice for us.  He was cut off so that we can be assured that even in our darkest hour, God is with us.  We might walk away -- we might forget -- we might doubt.  But this eternal promise remains:

“I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!” 
(Heb 13:5 AMP)

JONATHAN IS A MEMBER OF THE 2025 CLASS OF PRINCETON ACADEMY!!!

I'm still stunned. In a state of shock.  Awed by the mercy and power of our Living Father God!  Thankful beyond Thankful for His favor and grace and outpouring of love towards Jonathan in extending him this gift - opening this door.  I feel this is in God's plan for Jonathan's life.  That He steered me to open that magazine last year, focused my eyes on the article about Princeton Academy and quickened my heart to apply, knowing that He had already established a place for Jonathan there.  In the 11th hour, I was asked to give information about Kay and that shook me. I was sure it would disqualify me from any real aid, considering his income. However, I was honest about our relationship and how Jonathan came into the world in the way that he did and that in the wake of his birth, there hasn't been much direct parenting from Kay.  They were so compassionate.  They understood. And they didn't consider my foolish financial decisions over the past few years and my underemployment.  They didn't because it was not God's plan for them to do so.  If ever I have felt that I am truly His child through Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, I felt it yesterday.  And I still feel it now.  This was a soul changing blessing.  My heart is so full.  My cup overflows.  

THANK YOU JESUS!! PRAISE YOU LORD GOD IN THE HIGHEST!!!!

March 16, 2018

Dear Kim,

I am delighted to inform you that Jonathan’s application for admission to Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart has been approved and we enthusiastically invite him to join the Princeton Academy Class of 2025. The Admission Committee is confident that Jonathan will be a successful student and that he will also strive to achieve the high standards expected of Princeton Academy students.

The offer of admission brings with it our commitment to support Jonathan in all aspects of his education and personal development. It also carries important expectations of him in that we ask all members of our school community to do their best to be productive students and honorable and compassionate stewards of our school and the Sacred Heart goals upon which we are founded. We hope you will join us in providing Jonathan a learning experience which challenges his potential and is sensitive to his individual needs. We know the formative educational experience and preparation he will receive at Princeton Academy will serve him well in the years to come.

Sweet, hardworking, and bright, Jonathan is clearly a full participant in his surroundings. We know that our boy-centered program is the place to encourage his curiosity and inspire his intellect and imagination. We also know that our attention to individual student growth combined with our program structure and hands-on engagement will serve Jonathan well as he progresses toward a consistently focused learner. Much is in store for Jonathan and we look forward to seeing his growth in our Grade 2 and beyond. We also look forward to partnering with you to best support Jonathan in his development.

We will also be forwarding Jonathan a letter and certificate to welcome him to Princeton Academy. These should arrive in the mail shortly. A separate email follows this one with instructions regarding the enrollment process and access to the online enrollment portal. Please read the instructions carefully and contact me with any questions that arise. Along with the necessary forms to secure enrollment, the enrollment portal also provides access to the 2018-2019 School Calendar as well as events this spring for newly enrolled families. 

We look forward to having Jonathan as a student in our school and we are eager to also welcome your family to our school community. Should questions remain unanswered as you plan for Jonathan’s educational future, please note that we will be hosting a reception for parents of accepted students on Tuesday, April 3 at 6:30 p.m. at the home of one of our current Princeton families. A formal invitation will be sent to you soon with more details.

Warmest Regards,

Jennifer B. Sheppard
Director of Admission

March 19, 2018

Dear Kim,

Thank you for completing the enrollment process for Jonathan for the 2018-2019 school year. We look forward to having him grow and thrive at Princeton Academy as a member of the 2nd grade next year. This email is to serve as your confirmation of Jonathan's enrollment for the 2018-2019 school year. A copy of your enrollment contract is available in your enrollment portal account for your reference.

At Princeton Academy, we care deeply about each of our young men. We are dedicated to creating a learning environment where our boys can grow with open hearts and open minds. Our mission is to develop young men with active and creative minds, a sense of understanding and compassion for others, and the courage to act on their beliefs. We educate and develop the whole boy in body, mind and spirit through devotion to our Sacred Heart Goals and to our Learning Principles for Boys. We seek to lead a national reinvention of boys education for a new generation of enlightened men. I know that together we will make this vision a reality.

Thank you for entrusting the education of Jonathan to our talented and committed team of faculty and staff at Princeton Academy. In partnership together, we are devoted to bringing out the best in your son.


Inspired,
Alfred (Rik) F. Dugan III
Headmaster

Things are looking up

Spring is almost here with all it's newness of life and promise of better days.

We just suffered a major snowstorm.  Downed trees, people without power for days.  It was a woozy.

Yes, I am ready for spring.

Last week, I think, was the darkest week I've experienced so far - even worst than that last, crazy post from 2/2/18.  I was without any hope. Despondent, irritated, angry, frustrated and just feeling so trapped by life and my present circumstances.

The hopefulness associated with spring was no where to be found.  I just wanted a way of escape.

In the midst of this depression, a Joseph Prince devotion reminded me that it is good to give God the praise in all circumstances, even when it seems He is not working on your behalf.  He is.  It may feel so much like He isn't. But He is.

He will never leave me or forsake me. He understands.  I have to trust Him.

Reading those words of encouragement helped a lot.  My sister in Christ Tena prayed for me, too, after I sent her this rant of a text message about how awful my life is right now.

Sister Sue Evans gifted me with tickets to see Mercy Me yesterday.  And the youth group was also going and seeing it from Infiniti suite seats at Prudential Center.  So, her brother-in-law, who leads the youth ministry and Jonathan's Royal Rangers, Jeff Evans, got us tickets in the same suite.  And oh was it sweet! AND the show was fantastic.

This too helped to move me closer to the light and hopefulness of spring.

I'm feeling like a leaf is turning.  Finally - FINALLY - Ms. Smith provided her recommendation for Jonathan's application to Princeton Academy.  We will hear by Wednesday if he has been accepted.

He is accepted.

Jonathan stood on the kitchen table tonight and called out to God to lift him up and I believe our Father heard that prayer and I agreed with Jonathan, so where two or three agree, He hears and He acts.

Jonathan is a student at Princeton Academy.

Jonathan shall be a graduate of Princeton Academy.

Oh, and I also got a job.  

I started on 2/20.  You wold think that would be reason to lift my mood. But it wasn't.

It's a scheduling assistant position - though I think I'm gonna change it to scheduling coordinator - at a new law firm, Davis & Brusca, LLC.  We are in Lawrence Township and eventually Hamilton and hopefully, permanently in Pennington.

Two primary attorneys, an associate, a paralegal, a legal secretary and myself. They're a cool group of peeps. I enjoy working with them.

I interviewed in Dec for the gig and thought I might get it then. I liked the flexible hours and the girls I interviewed with. But they gave it to another gal who lived closer with more experience.

She didn't last a month. Said she was overwhelmed.

After my first week, I totally understood and was about to quit myself.  However, I felt a quickening by the Holy Spirit to stay.  To see it out for at least 6 months to a year.

I'm now in my 4th week, and it gets better and better with each week. It's a complicated job. I have to email, be on phones (which I don't like), write deposition notices, schedule deps, mediations, client meetings, confirm all this stuff, reschedule most of it. I'm busy the whole time I'm there.

I'm learning a lot and I feel like I'm making a difference. Making it easier for the team.

So, I'm sticking with it and we'll see in a year.  I hope I get a nice bonus at years end:-).

The commute.  Bearable cause I make my own hours.  Probably will be about 27 a week. I can get my runs in before I go.

Once Jonathan is in Princeton Academy, it will be the same, if we can move to Montgomery, like I'm hoping.

And there's the other news.  There are vacancies in the low income apartments that we originally planned to move to in 2016.  I'm gonna apply again.

Walking distance away is a retirement community where my mother can be in assisted living/memory care and my father in long-term care - and they accept Medicare.  And it's beautiful.

Not sure they want Black folks. However, I serve a mighty God. He'll get us over that hump.

So, I'm believing and decreeing that we'll be living in Montgomery before fall 2018.  That my mom will be at Stonebridge. That they'll help us sell the home and the items my parents own they no longer need and that in due time my father will also join my mom at Stonebridge.

Finally, the big big news:  Parker McCarrick plans to take my dad's wheelchair. He'll be using a walker!  Praise God!! This is an answer to prayer.  I knew he would eventually not need that chair - not sure he really needed it after leaving Kessler, but I'm not gonna worry bout that. I just know that God is moving and answering prayers. So yes - YES - Spring is in the air and...

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP!!!

21-Day Fast - Day 15: Giving over all

The sermon from Pastor Scott yesterday was so powerful.  It was a life-shift kind of sermon.  I felt as if I came face to face with my destiny and if I did not make a decision to move forward as he was directing us, by the Spirit of God, I would never find my way completely out of the despair and stagnation that has been my life these past few years.

His text focus was the story of Joseph, but particularly the manner in which Joseph dealt with all of the delays and unfair treatment that he experienced over a course of 13 years between the Father giving him the dream of his future and achievement or manifestation of that dream.

He was hated by his brothers, almost left for dead by those same brothers, but then, due to a change of heart, sold by those brothers into slavery.

He was then unjustly accused by his slave owner's wife of molestation and thrown into jail.

While in jail, he helped two prisoners, enabling one to be set free, only to be forgotten once that prisoner returned to civilian life.

Ultimately, the Lord brought about the realization of that dream - prospered Joseph mightily and allowed reconciliation with the brothers who had so cruelly abandoned & hated him years before.

Through it all, Joseph remained committed to his Father and committed to living a life of diligence, calm, and poise.

And he never complained.

Not once.  And the word says that throughout all of the trials, Joseph found favor with God and was a successful man.

Even as a slave, he was the top slave.

In jail he was the top prisoner.

And finally as a free man, he was second in command to Pharaoh.  Just amazing!

Our Pastor noted that what is central to all of this is that Joseph displayed a spirit of giving over all to the Father.  He never solicited for any more than what was right before him. He clearly lived a life led by the Father and dependent on God alone.  Nary a pleading, begging prayer for anything that HE WANTED came from his lips. He was fully surrendered and as a result he was a blessed man - one able to love others, serve others, and forgive others, without hesitation.

I've spent most of my life begging, pleading, grumbling, complaining.  There's been very little, if any surrendering.

I know of one distinct time when I did surrender:  El Paso Texas, December 1996.  I came truly to the very end of myself.  In utter despair, emotionally spent, lonely, depressed, sad and hopeless.  I had no one but the Father.

He had me exactly where He needed me to be.

I left El Paso utterly broken, but within a month, the Lord had given me what I'd be striving for all those previous months:  Not one, but three job offers.

Thus, I know first hand that the surrendered life is the life He desires for all His children.  Yet, why is it so hard?

Well, after yesterday's sermon, already feeling almost as despairing as I did in 1996 - the excitement of my impossible dream of buying that dream house on 43 S Middlebush starting to wain - I found myself at the alter - pouring out my heart, tears soaking my face, and I gave all of it to Him.

A job

Being a parent to Jonathan

Being a caregiver to my parents

Staying in this house

Moving from this house

Buying a new home

43 S Middlebush

Renovating a home

Jonathan's schooling

Getting married

God fulfilling his word to me

My tongue

My behavior

My thoughts

Everything

It's all back in the Father's hands, where it should be.

Later at church, two elders prayed over me about work.  I no longer see this CSS job as a good fit.  It's not for me. I don't want it.  I sensed Labyrinth Books and the claustrophobic nature of that job all over CSS, and I want no part of it - no matter how nice the team might be.  The elders prayed for the Father to place me in the job best for me - at a salary that is appropriate - and that His favor remain on me to be selected - even found by my future employer.  That is what I am standing on now. I'm no longer looking. I plan to respond to inquiries only.

And by the goodness of God, I indeed did get an inquiry today from a contracting firm for a 12-month contract assignment! The description sounds like a great fit and it's in Bedminster - a location that I like - and it seems possible that this could be a work from home job.  I'm not gonna shake my head at contract jobs anymore.  My Father can convert the job to permanent - if not that one, than another. There will no longer be gaps in my employment. I decree and declare that right now!  In fact, this job will not require an extensive interview.  It pays well, it allows for work at home, and it is mine!

Indeed, this is a new season of believing and thanksgiving!  The pleading and begging are over.  I plan to walk in the rights and privileges of being a daughter of the most High God, my El Shadai - God Almighty - my Jehovah Nissi - Whose banner is over me - my Jehovah Shalom, Whose peace comforts and keeps me.  He is doing great things in my life and in Jonathan's life and all those who are near and dear to me. I can see it. I am so thankful for it.

You indeed are the GREAT I AM!  All praises to You in the Highest!  Thank you for Your Son Jesus, through whom I can come BOLDLY to the THRONE of GRACE to receive MERCY & GRACE in my time of need!

Hallelujah - AMEN!!

21-Day Fast - Day 12: Job Interview and new home...

In 2016, right after I started my contract job with Intuit, a home in a section of Somerset that I really love came on the market.  I walked around it with Jonathan and then had my trusty realtor, Pat Pilat, who's been working with me to find a home (since 2010!) bring me in to do a walk-through. It was a 1860's era home with a lot of the original details, but in pretty good condition. One issue was that the main bathroom had a weirdly placed shower and all of the ceilings were low, low. I mean, like, Jonathan would probably curse me out as a 6 ft+ teenager kind of low!  I put an offer on it anyway and we kept negotiating. Got them down to $175000. I pushed for $165000 and they went with another seller.

I still regret losing that house.  In reality, I likely would not have been able to make payments in the wake of me not finding a job since the Intuit contract ended.  Nonetheless, I continued to covet the potential of another home, on the same block, going on the market.

With this new desire for Jonathan to attend Princeton Academy and the possibility that I would be working in Princeton, as well, my hunger for a house in that location started to peak again.  I decided to do a realtor.com search on homes in Somerset for sale 200000 and under.  A house on that block popped up. I checked out the pictures. Another 1800 era home with original details. Large backyard, three car garage, beautiful treed lot.  I was enchanted. Next day, I drove to the house with mom and walked around it and peeked in windows. Fell more in love. Called Pat. We got in to see it later that day.  Jonathan and I were smitten.

This is our home.

Today, however, I took a closer look at the listing and the house has a lot of hidden problems.  So much character, but a shaky foundation that will need major repairs, wet basement will need new sump pump, new roof is required on the garage and new windows, as well...some new windows on the house, possibly an underground oil tank that has contaminated the soil, so that will need drying out and sealing - and then well inspected to insure all is okay there...

So all that plus cosmetic stuff that needs to be done.  Sigh. In the past, I would have just given up. In fact, I don't even have a job, so do I really believe I can get a mortgage? And it would need to be a 203K mortgage at that.  Stop being in dreamland, Kim!  Really - just stop!

I won't. I can't. 

We're smitten. There's a main floor bedroom for my mom. Only one bath, but it's set up how I love - bath tub on one side, toilet and sink on the other.  Beautiful wide plank pine floors, a gorgeous fireplace, dedicated dining room, kitchen that can easily be updated, a big bedroom for Jonathan with a window seat - walk up attic for storage and CENTRAL AIR!  A future possibility to fit a bath on top floor.  And above all, a three car garage that I can easily see as the retreat center space I've been believing for...

Another request I've added to my list, Father :-)

So, today was the job interview with Center for Supportive Schools and I believe it went well.  A panel interview in front of 6 members of the team.  I felt the Lord's hedge of protection and His peace throughout the interview. They're a fun bunch - collegial and I can see myself as a good fit.  I had to take an excel test at the end that I pretty much bombed. However, if it be your will, Father, I know You can enable me to be an EXCELLENT contributor to the team and organization.  Now only to figure out how - I - not a morning person, can transform my schedule to be up early for work and work out later in the day  - run later in the day - or - do more short runs during the week in the wee hours of the morning and long runs on the weekends and yoga at night - probably Hot Yoga on Mondays but not with Marcus (boo hoo).

So do I really want this job after all???

In truth - I still want to work full time from home.  Yet, none of the jobs I've applied to will allow that. I know that I'll be able to eventually work from home with CSS, at least once a week, but...I would still need to get Jonathan to school and then log on for a bit and then leave to do yoga! Will they allow that?  They did with Intuit, which I LOVED!  But CSS?  Father, this is my request:  To be able to work from home on Wednesdays and have the freedom to step away from 8:30-10:30 for yoga.  Will they agree to that?

In any case, stuff is sorta falling into place.  Reality - what I still long for is marriage to a man who would not require that I work from home AND getting that beautiful home AND a man who is able to actually do a lot of the work - a contractor. 

Big Ask, huh, Father?

Well, You are able to accomplish, to do, to make happen - THE IMPOSSIBLE. I'm throwing quite a few at you! If You can raise Christ from the dead, I know You can work all this out in our favor.

I'm a believer  - in YOU ALONE!!

I receive it all, in the mighty, precious name of J-E-S-U-S!!!!

21-Day Fast - Day 10 - Say it...Do it...Receive it...Tell it!

I've been reading my Kenneth E. Hagin pamphlets again.  I came upon them back at the end of 2016.  I would carry one with me to my cocktail time at the Heldrich Hotel. They blessed me and were great reading along with my vodka gimlets and hot wings or fries  By February of 2017, I was done with the Heldrich and discovered I could make my own cocktails at home.  I suppose that wasn't a good thing.  I spent almost every evening from February 2017 to the start of this fast inebriated in some fashion, either via a couple of cocktails or a few glasses of wine. Praise God again for using this fast to deliver me from that bondage.

I knew that Pastor Hagin wrote a few pamphlets related to walking in love.  It turns out it was his son that wrote them - Kenneth W. Hagin.  One is called Faith Worketh by Love. It was eye-opening, considering my current revelation of how much I do not walk in love. 

The pamphlet points out that if you are believing for something and have great faith that it will come to pass, it really doesn't measure up to much if you're not walking in love - preferring others, being kind and considerate - living out 1 Corinthians 13.

One particular scripture from that chapter resonates with me:  "Love does not seek after its own".  I see now that a lot of my discontent is related to me seeking after my own peace of mind, my own comfort, my own happiness.  I haven't achieved any of those things, however. Just more bitterness, resentment, impatience, anger and discouragement.

Father, you are working on my heart. I believe it's changing.  And I'm moving forward with the belief that I AM CHANGED! 

Another teaching by Kenneth E. Hagin is You Can Have What You Say.  He outlines four steps to follow that will utterly change your life if you practice them:

1. Say it (as if it has already happened)
2. Do it (as if you already have it)
3. Receive it (with thanksgiving and praise)
4. Tell it (pronounce your testimony with gladness)

What spoke to me about these steps is that it's not limited to material things, but also, and more importantly, spiritual things.  

For example, I can literally say "I walk in Love" and then just start walking in love!

I can say "I walk in the fruit of the spirit" and allow kindness to flow through me.

I can say "The spirit of complaint is not part of me" and mediate on what is possible and good.

And on and on, such as...

I can say "Whatever is lovely, praiseworthy, honorable and of good report - I think on and say these things."

I can say "I do not frustrate Jonathan, but raise him up in the way that he should go."

I can say "I am as one who brings him (my spouse) comfort." and "My husband loves me as Christ loves the church and lives with me in understanding" and "I am a suitable help meet for a Godly, Christ-centered man who God says should not be alone."

And yes, material things as well, such as...

"We live in a spacious house, on a large lot, near springs and brooks, and a downtown that's walkable, with children Jonathan can play with, and where we can bless others through retreats, pot lucks, Bible Studies, playtime."

"Our family is prosperous - in health and wealth - and we have more than enough to live on, give away and save."

The Sky is the Limit!

I'm endeavoring to believe this way.  I know that when I have in the past, the Lord has worked miracle after miracle for me.  

I thank you, Father, that you are opening my heart and mind to truths that will take me to the next stage of my life - a stage that has been prepared for me and Jonathan for such a time as this.  As the blessings unfold, You will receive all the honor and praise due to You, for You are WORTHY TO BE PRAISED AND HIGHLY LIFTED UP!

Father, my declarations of belief extend to my family and friends, so that no one is lacking and their needs are being met by Christ Jesus our Lord. So that Jonathan finds favor with You and man, and walks out your specific purpose for his life, so that those in ministry like Miracle and Tena fulfill the fullness of your call on their lives, so that those who are sick are made well, by the stripes of Jesus.

This is the year of great and unexpected, suddenly blessings!  Keep me ever expectant that You will work wonders in our lives!

21-Day Fast - Day 7 - Weary

I am tired. Very very tired, so don't have much to say today.

I had a long talk with you last night, Father. About the dearth of genuine kindness in my life.  My seeming inability to display it naturally.  When I do, it seems forced, fake.  What comes naturally is irritation and being perturbed by people and situations. 

What I know is that only by the Holy Spirit are we able to display the fruit of the Spirit - goodness, gentleness, Godliness, love, self-control, kindness.

So, I clearly need much much more of the Holy Spirit.

Your word says how much more of the Holy Spirit will you give to those who ask.

I'm asking.

Give.

I need so much more of Him in my life so I can effectively, authentically be kind, be gentle, be good, be self-controlled, be loving.

Give, Father. Shaken down and pressed together. 

Give.