21 Day Fast - Day 1

I didn't mention yesterday that Jonathan and I started attending a new church in Dayton, NJ after returning from Paris in 2015.  It's a small, family-friendly, multi-cultural church formally called Abundant Life Church, but because there are so many Abundant Life Churches across the country and particularly in NJ, they changed the name to Life Church this year.  And there is a lot of life and love in the church.

While in Paris, I looked into the church after a friend's brother mentioned visiting it in 2014.  He said the congregation was so friendly and he was impressed by how the pastor and his wife remembered his name after only one visit.  I checked out the Web site and listened to a couple of sermons. I was impressed by the teachings and even moreso by their commitment to missions and the community.

I knew I wanted Jonathan and I to find a smaller church where I would physically be in the same room with my pastor and his family on a weekly basis. Liquid Church was getting too big and I felt disconnected, despite my lovely group of ladies that were in my small group there and who I still connect with on a regular basis since leaving Liquid.  Life Church offered us what I'd be longing to have in a church family. I've made great friends there and so has Jonathan and the children's ministry is wonderful.  In addition, they have a great boy's ministry called Royal Rangers and I was able to get Jonathan into about a year earlier than normal (at age 5 rather than 6). It's like a Christian Boy's Scout and is led by a wonderful, dedicated man of God, who has been mentoring and leading the troop since the 80s.  Royal Rangers might be the best thing about Life Church.  For a young boy who does not have regular contact with his father, it's a huge HUGE blessing.

They also support a missionary in Haiti and have been doing so for over 20 years and send a team there every January to minister and simply meet with the families, teachers and the many children that the missionary, Ed Lockett, blesses through his sacrifice and calling to the area.  I haven't gone on a trip yet.  When it comes to short term missions, I prefer to have something tangible to do, like construction, medical service, etc..  The team typically goes around and visits with families and schools - bringing supplies and money and fellowshipping. A lot of time is spent just being with the children from the community that Ed blesses in his home.  I'm not much of a sit around and just fellowship kind of person and really don't love spending a lot of time with kids that aren't Jonathan, so....  Nonetheless, when Jonathan is of age, I believe I will make the Haiti trip with him and hopefully will do other more service-oriented short term missions trips with him before he's a teenager.

Anyway, that's all the back story to the fast that the church actually started yesterday but I'm starting today.  I needed to get rid of the last of the alcohol in the house last night😇, which I gladly did, and do a final night of watching my law  & order re-runs and simply vegging out in front of the tv until 1 am in the morning. 

So today marks the first time in years that I'm giving over myself to quiet and rest in Jesus.  I am desperate to find a place of peace that doesn't require a cocktail or wine or mindless TV watching.

I'm not sure if I have any specific prayer requests.  I know it's important to lay out before the Lord your specific needs before a fast.  It's just that I feel I have so many and at the same time, not really any of true importance.

I talked with Him last week about simply wanting Him to lead and direct and that I'm done trying to figure stuff out.  So maybe that's the primary need I want Him to fulfill during this fast:  Removing my mind and hands off my life and the lives of those around me.  So far He's been doing an outstanding job with Jonathan, despite all the ways I mess up, through action, word and thought.  Jonathan is articulate, polite, sanguine, jolly, funny, smart and - well - the love of my life. He's also prone to angry outbursts (usually Kindle induced), stubbornness, disobedience (why can't he follow simple instructions?!) and boy can he be loud and sometimes TOO talkative!  But I love all of it - frustrated by some of it - but grateful for all that he is and how the Lord is shaping him into the man he is purposed to become.

I no longer want to figure out what my career should be, where we should or should not live, how to care for this house, how to care for my parents, whether or not we sell this house and my mom go into assistant living, whether or not I have enough money, where Jonathan goes to school - nothing.  I want to be completely beholden to the Lord God Almighty and led by Him.  I want Him to download daily, moment by moment instructions and then enable me to carry them out. I want to be free of me and let Him do what He said He would do for me if I seek Him and believe that He exists:  Richly reward me - richly reward Jonathan.

Do I still have dreams?  Yes, yes I do.  I mainly want Him to fulfill those words spoken to me over these past five years - whether audibly or through scripture, sermons, devotions.  I won't write them here. It's between me and Him. Probably a few of the older ones are documented in earlier entries (2014 and earlier).  There is one in particular that was quite specific, audibly given to me in 2015, but has yet to come to pass, and if it does or should i say, when it does, would be quite a miracle and testimony of His power and grace in my life.

Other dreams have died.  I don't plan on trying to pull them back into this life. Maybe they'll be manifest in Jonathan's life. I don't know.

Quite a few dreams have been fulfilled:  AmeriCorps VISTA, living abroad, running a marathon, bearing a son.  It is these fulfilled dreams that enable me to believe that even what seems impossible can be made possible by the power of my living, breathing, wonderful Father in Heaven.

So, what I want for this fast I suppose distills down to having more of the Father - not running away from Him again.  And it's a request that the enemy has fought to keep from me for most of my life but particularly these almost 10 years since making the decision to move back to NJ in Christmas 2008. 

That was a God-ordained decision and I believe in it were to be blessings untold. And maybe in all the sadness and loss and regret, save Jonathan's birth and my dad's survival after that devastating fall, His calling back to NJ was manifest.  Yet, I believe there was much, much, much more that He had for me here that those pivotal moments in my life sort of derailed (getting re-involved with Kay in 2011 after Jonathan's birth and then possibly, I believe now, suffering a bit of a nervous breakdown after my dad's fall and the myriad of changes and responsibilities and sometimes, yes, burdens, laid on me in the wake of it).  I've been floundering - not really able to get a firm footing - and then simply giving over myself to what was an easy way to handle it all:  booze and more booze - more and more as the years progressed.

I went for my run today after almost a week of not being able to get out there since the arctic burst and blizzard.  It was cold but wonderful.  I thank God for the gift of running. It is one of the things I hold onto, along with the many dreams He has fulfilled in my life, that tells me that in the midst of all my sin and forsaking Him, He is the giver of good things to His children.

He gave me Jonathan out of a poor decision of sexual sin on my part with a married man...

He brought me home to NJ to be there for my mother when my father's injury occurred, though I originally had other plans for my life in NJ and post NJ; ulterior motives so to speak...

He blessed me with a renewed relationship with my brother after my return to NJ - a few years to get to know one another as adults before the Lord decided to take Him home and away from the pain and angst he suffered for most of his life...

He gifted me with a love of Paris and quality time spent there, learning the city and being all that I am, without shame, and doing so with Jonathan...

He gave me running and released me from the burden of excess weight - reversing the curse of menopause, renewing my youth, and invigorating my life...

I still have a ways to go.  He's working on me. bit by bit. 

So I suppose what I most need, Father, is for You to make this fast a way to accelerate moving me back to that original purpose You had when you ordained that I come back to NJ.  Open doors and lead me rightly, equip and enable me to walk it out.  And move me to readily stand in the authority granted to me by Christ to withstand the angry darts of the enemy. He doesn't want me to move into what You've had for me - waiting for me - since 2008.  He doesn't want it because He knows that within it is something - many things - that will bring you tremendous glory and me tremendous joy, satisfaction, peace and FULFILLMENT - here on earth - not out somewhere in the future by and by.  Here and now - starting here and now.

Have your way o Lord.

I'm back...

It seems appropriate to post a picture of the Eiffel Tower in this, my first post since May 2014 - a few months before my fateful journey with Jonathan to live in the city of lights and pursue what ended up being an aborted attempt at an MBA.

Our travails are described in the Paris...really? blog, so no need to go into them here.  Needless to say, we returned in January 2015.  I was jobless for a few months and then got a gig at Labyrinth Books in Princeton. Hated it.  Ended up later in the year as a Firm Administrator at a small accounting firm based in Bedminster that I really enjoyed.  We worked out of a lovely, light-filled office, windows across the whole side of the space, a group of "Designing Women" huddled above us on the top floor.  My boss was a pretty, astute, incredibly talented half-Mexican accountant who had pulled herself out of poverty and teenage pregnancy in the Los Angeles area, to a self-paid undergraduate and graduate degree in accounting, becoming a CPA and then starting her own business on the East Coast - in a loving relationship with a talented engineer and contractor from Peru, both raising a beautiful little girl together in this awesome home in Piscataway. I made $14 and hour and enjoyed every minute of the job and learned a lot. In addition, I almost, due to my several years of not really making any money after leaving IBM, moved into a brand new low-income, three story townhome apartment in GREATEST school district, Montgomery New Jersey, before getting an email from a couple of old IBM colleagues about a Project Manager contract job with Intuit Inc.  I applied, interviewed and got the gig.  I went from $14 an hour to $57 an hour within a couple of weeks.  Strangely enough, when I told my accountant boss that I would be leaving for this contract gig, she informed me that she too was interviewing for CFO jobs and actually ended up getting an assistant CFO job at a design firm in Princeton about a month after I left. She closed up shop and left the light-filled office behind for a more stable 9-5 gig and the opportunity to add another child to the family (which they did in September 2017 - a beautiful little boy).

So, here I was - back in IT, making good money, working with a lot of my old IBM chums.  Even pulled my oldest IBM buddy into the company via a contract gig (he had been among the many laid off in 2013 after I resigned in January of that year - thus missing out on what has been reported to be a very nice exit package...). His contract ended like mine, but he's going back in a couple of weeks for another 18 months, and I hope and pray, an eventual permanent gig.

As for me and Intuit?  Well, as usual, I didn't really enjoy the work. Loved the people I was working with, but came to the end of the contract knowing that I was THROUGH with IT project management.  I mean, listen, I'm almost once again going to have a probation year with my PMP certification because I don't have enough professional development units. I need 45 by March!  That speaks enough to my disenchantment with the profession and lack of passion for it.

And yet, I'm at another impasse. What do I do with the rest of my life?

I can say that the Intuit job and working from home again was a particular blessing - and not just the great money.  How?  Well, the Lord opened the door for me in July 2017 to join a fitness club called Kinetics, in Highland Park, NJ.  It was life changing. I did a 21-Day Little Black Dress challenge. I had already signed up earlier in the year to run the Paris Marathon in April 2017 - one month before my 50th birthday. This was done to put some traction of my dream to run a marathon before I turned 50. Kinetics put me on track to fulfill that goal. I lost 10 lbs during the challenge and started running again in September, and hard core training in October.

The Eiffel Tower picture above was taken about a week after the marathon in April 2017. Yes, I ran it, on Sunday, April 9, 2017 - on a sunny, unexpectedly warm day in Paris, France. It was the return trip I had hungered for after the debacle of our first journey there. The journey didn't lack drama, however.

I had rented a lovely apartment in the 4th eme only to not be able to use the key to open the lock. We tried for about 30 minutes with no luck.  So, I had to run around to find another place to stay on short notice. The Lord blessed us with a beautiful hotel in the 1st eme, near the Louvre, with a wonderful and loving staff. All in all it worked out for the best.

I also fell ill the week before the race and was unable to do any running after that Monday before we left.  I had hives, severe chest congestion and then got my period, 5 days early!  So, I ran under the weather, with a full-on menstrual cycle flowing, coughing the whole way!  God is good. I finished and RAN THE FULL 26.2 miles!  I finished in 6 hours 17 minutes. It was magical.

I had only done two half-marathons in the month before the race. I'd never gotten to run at least 18 to 20 miles so my body took a beating. I could barely move after the race. And the following day I got sick again and lost my voice.  So the week after was a bit slow going, but Paris was still lovely.  Jonathan and I had such a beautiful time.

We went to all our old haunts, celebrated good Friday at the Sacre Couer, met up with Darryl Morris (my first boyfriend) in London on Easter, spent two AWESOME days at Paris Disney, connected with a sweet Belgium friend, Sadie, in the 19th and simply spent several wonderful days in our old home town of the 19th, visiting Jonathan's school and seeing all of the beautiful teachers and staff who worked there.

Oh, let me not forget - the Lord blessed me with former ISM schoolmate, Missy Strong, who watched Jonathan during the race and who was there when I fainted on the subway AFTER the race. Yes, fainted. Like I said, I didn't do the hard hard training I should have before the race nor did I eat enough sugar/get glucose during the race, so my body responded accordingly. Praise God He got me back up and the worst that I experienced after were the body aches and that respiratory infection that took my voice for a few days.

All in all, I ended up losing close to 50 lbs, but put back on about 8, which I needed to - I'd gotten too skinny. However, I'm back to my fighting weight and I am a legitimate runner now. I LOVE IT!!  My next marathon is the NJ Marathon at the beginning of May 2018.  I plan to do one every year until the Lord brings me home to Him.

So, it's been an eventful 4 years almost (and there are lots of other things I haven't brought up, but will discuss in later posts) -- but as I stated above, I'm still at a sort of impasse. Been searching for a new gig since leaving Intuit. Nothing firm has come up. My desire to work in the non-profit realm has resurfaced, so I've focused my search there.  I also have a strong desire to be in the Princeton area so that Jonathan and I can move there and he can attend this amazing all boys, Christian school called Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart. It seems built just for him. I know he would thrive there.

Of course, there's still my mom and dad to think of.  More about them later...

Anyway, I'm returning to this blog because today marks what I'm hoping to be the true 2nd half of my life. In all that has been great in the past year, vestiges of the  pain of my life over the past 10 years or so, especially since 2013 have continued to plague me. There has been great personal loss as well - including my brother Brandon, who passed in July 2017 and our sweet family friend, Norman Bailey, who passed in June and April's mom, who passed in September (more about these individuals in later posts).  More and more loss along with the many things still not restored that were lost, broken or stolen in previous years.

My solution thus far:  I've medicated more than necessary on alcohol, using that as my elixir more than the true elixir Jesus. That ends today. 

Our church starts a church wide fast today - from now until 1/27/2018.  Strangely enough, if you add up 1+7+2+-+1+8 it equals 9, which is the biblical number for fruit of the spirit...divine completeness from the Father. Adding 1+2+7+2+0+1+8 equals 1, which means unity and new beginnings.

So, I'm believing that God has ordained today as the completion of several years of a mix of not so good stuff (too much) with a bit of the good (to which He deserves praise - for both) and for the unleashing of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life, as well as the lives of all those participating in the fast, and that by the end, we will be firmly rooted in the new beginning that God has for us going forward, in unity of mind, heart and spirit in HIM.

I'm declaring that this is the year for great, suddenly blessings, restoration of things lost, stolen and broken, and fulfillment of long-held dreams and promises spoken to me by the Lord!

I've been away too long.  It's time for me to return to his blog and record what I believe to be life-changing events in my life and Jonathan's life in this year and beyond - above what I could ever hoped or imagined -GOOD THINGS - just as our Father promised in Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

I -AM - EXPECTANT!!

Paris or bust?

I recently encountered Joan Ball again within the pages of an InTouch Magazine article.  She continues to fascinate me.  Her alternate, dynamic view of the Christian walk and the way it energizes and directs her every step, enabling her live in the moment with great exepctation of what's to come next...well, it simply inspires me.

This article was more of her same encouragement to live the abiding life with Christ - to take a chance on Him- to follow His lead, even if it doesn't make any sense to anyone else.  To do what you really feel in your gut He is telling you to do - or to at least trust the promptings in your spirit to not remain inert and spellbound by fear.

I read that article and it made me recall my initial acquaintance with Joan at the Collyde Summit in 2012, and her words of wisdom about how God generally doesn't give us a work to do that we are prepared to do.  He wants us to step out in faith and trust that He'll enable us along the way.  Her comments at that time were the fuel I needed to finally decide that I would leave IBM and move forward on achieving my goal to go back to school to obtain my doctorate.

However, that dream got smashed into a million pieces.  No sense going into all that again.  Three schools.  Three rejections. Enough said.  Nonetheless, my dream of a PhD came back to the forefront of my mind as I ruminated on Joan and her wise words and the effective way in which she lives out her faith.  I then thought to myself - hmm, Joan has a PhD in Business now. Where exactly did she get it?  So, I googled her name and St. Johns, where she is now a Professor, and saw that she had obtained said doctorate at a school based in Paris::  The International School of Management.

The wheels in my head and heart started churning.  Paris.  Paris.  The place that I've been dreaming to finally return to and live for a season with Jonathan.

I decided to check out the school's Web site and found myself, over the course of the next few days, going through almost every page - my curiousity growing into a great longing to apply to the PhD program.  However, as I considered and reconsidered the financial cost, it appeared that this might - once again - be a dream deferred. The program was simply too expensive.

My heart, however, wasn't gonna give up without a fight.  I found myself taking a hard look at the MBA program, and begin to sense that maybe that was more in line with where my life needs to go as I moved forward...that maybe an International Business MBA would allow me to gain the business acumen required to run my own non-profit - to finally make Jakin Sanctuary a reality.  And I would be building these skills in an International setting, with fellow students and instructors from a myriad of cultures and backgrounds.

I sent an initial inquiry.  I spoke to the lovely Admissions Diretcor.  We discussed the PhD as well as the MBA.  With a scholarship the PhD program seemed more doable.  I hung up excited about moving forward with either the PhD or the MBA - it was just a matter of deciding which one.

And then fear set in.

Okay, maybe not fear.  Maybe just that same sort of dreamkilling stuff that has been lurking behind me all of the days sense my dad's fall out of bed on May 14th, 2013.

How could I leave my mother in the house alone?   I have to stay here to watch over things - to make sure she's fine. I have to keep up with my father's continued care at the Nursing Home.  Should I really take money out of my 401K to do this?  Will Kay let me take Jonathan to Paris? Can I do this with a three year old on foregin soil?

What am I thinking??!

And that brings me to right now - almost a week after my conversation with the Admissions Counselor - and a few hours after my therapy session, where I vetted this all out with Vonita.  And through talking with Vonita, I realize that I have to apply.  I have to move forward and see what happens.

I also realized that nothing is a coinsidence.  My reading that InTouch article...Joan Ball entering my mind again as a result...her comments that made me re-think my dream about returning to graduate school...discovering that Joan had attended ISM...ISM being in Paris - perfectly aligning with my dream to live in that amazing city for a season BEFORE Jonathan started primary school...

Nothing is a coinsidence.

So I'm applying. I've decided to apply to the MBA program.  And I'm gonna get accepted.  I'm gonna figure out how to manage paying for the program, doing well in it with a toddler in tow, and doing it while living in a place that has enchanted me like no other in all the 46 years that I've lived.

I'm gonna do this.

God will take care of the rest.

A bold request

Mary Southerland - "Miss Hard word for the day"- Girlfriend of God had a great devotion today.  She spoke about really believing that the Lord wants to bless us - wants us to ask Him boldly for what we need - and that we need to expect Him to answer.  But not based on what we do or how we act, but upon His grace alone...His goodness alone.  I had another devotion today that spoke about a similar truth -- that it's a matter of asking, seeking, knocking and believing that He will respond.  We simply must trust and wait.

So, Mary asked that we write out a prayer of committment thanking God for His blessings in our lives and the blessings that He has in store for us.

Here it goes:

Lord God!  Father!  Daddy!  Thank you.  Simply Thank you.  You are so good to me and by no means do I deserve it.  I'm full of self-pity, self-absorption, self-condemnation, every foul thing that the enemy puts in my path to trip over, I dutifully do so, with not much feeling of sorrow for how it really defames the greatness of You in my life and the lives of those close to me.  Thank you Lord that despite myself, You still manage to love me and care for me in such a great and perfect manner. I don't always understand Your ways.  I feel quite a bit like the Prodigal Son's brother much of the time, but each day You give me a glimpse of HOW MUCH You do love me and want the very best for me.  So, Lord:  Thank YOU!

Whatever You have for me I receive in gratitude. I've been in an utter fog of confusion.  I have no idea what I'm supposed to do from one day to the next.  I've had no real motivation to truly spend time with You so that maybe You can talk to me.

WAIT!!

Right now, I'm sensing that the enemy has been keeping me in bondage about this whole notion of QUIET TIME.  Yes, it would be better for me not to waste valuable time watching HGTV to the wee hours of the morning, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much wine and eating too many sweets.
However, none of that NEGATES the TRUTH that You will NEVER. EVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME...that You are WITH ME ALWAYS...that the Holy Spirit LIVES IN ME...and that I AM FILLED TO THE OVERFLOW with the Spirit.  You speak to me all the time in a myriad of ways. I'm talking to You all the time. We have a very intimate, abiding relationship.  That I see very clearly now.  Thank You Lord for your presence in my life and for leading and directing me and protecting me and Jonathan.  Lord, I bind the attack of the enemy upon my soul to keep me tied to the lie that unless I spend 30 minutes of quiet time with you and 30 minutes a day reading the Bible, you won't speak to me or direct me or bless me.  You do all these things regardless of the time I spend with you in QUIET. You supercede quiet. You are God Almighty. You do all things well. There are no limiations to your ability to guide me and lead me.  Thank you, Lord, for this truth.

I'm so grateful for our continual conversation. I'm so grateful that You allow me to be gritty raw with You and that You don't shame me. I tend to shame and condemn myself, but I refuse to do that anymore.  In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I loose upon my heart, mind and spirit utter FREEDOM in Christ Jesus my Lord.  For the word is true, whom the Lord sets free, is free indeed!

Praise you God!!!

Oh, yeah, I'm still expecting a great job, perfectly suited to me, with a great schedule, with a just right salary, amazing benefits, an EASY commute, where You are utilizing me to the fullest to bless the work, my colleagues, customers and yeah, myself - where you are GLORIFIED.  I'm believing that You are ABLE to bless me with this job for a start date of May 5, 2014 ==> 5+5+2+1+4 = 17 =>1+7=8

8 = New Beginnings. How fitting!

Thank you, God!

Dream a lil dream

So, given the ability to do whatever I wanted to do, what would that be?

I would have to go way back to 1992, scary to think, but that is 22 years ago.  22 years ago.

I would have had the ability to be accepted into an MFA program.

I would have graduated with a manuscript and ability to teach writing at a college level.

I would have taken on an assignment in Eurpose, preferably Paris.

I would have met a wonderful Eurpoean gentleman or an Officer in the US Armed Services and continued to travel with him and build a family, while stilll writing.

I would have eventually been published.

That is my dream.

That didn't happen.

I always go back to the fact that I guess I really don't have a true passion to be a writer. If so, I would have kept on writing, kept trying.

That last rejection back in, I guess it was 2007 or so, just did me in.  Any desire to write fiction has wained.

But I still want to write for a living. I want to study the craft of writing creative non-fiction, which is where my current passion in writing lies. I want to be in an atmosphere where that is the focus and the goal - where I am FORCED to write, or no degree will I get.  Where I will be forced to give and RECEIVE feedback on my writing. Where I can have directed reading, and where I can critically think about and discuss what I'm reading.

But that's unreasonable.  I have a 3 year old and $10,000 of spending money. I could cash out my 401K for this dream, or sacrifice the dream for Jonathan's well-being and future.

The latter is the righteous and noble choice.

Why not just write?  Why do you need an MFA or a PhD?  Why?

I just do.  I'm never gonna have the wherewithal in and of myself to simply write. I just won't.  I know myself.  I know myself.

Unfortunately, there are no good writing programs, MFA programs that I can apply to in NJ.  There is one in Purchase, NY - Mahattanville College - that sounds like a good fit, and yet...

How distressing.  What do I do, Lord?  Will you make this dream come true for me?

Mishandling Stress

So, Mary Southerland, the Girlfriend in God devotion writer who always writes the most convicting devotions, that I usually don't want to read, had a decent one today about dealing with stress.  She tends to go back to Psalm 23 a lot.  I see why. I actually managed to memorize it a few weeks ago, but of course the enemy did a good job snatching it from my memory bank, so I need to do so again.  Mary suggests reading the Psalm at least once a day for a week and really mediate on it.  She also suggested that I fill in the blank lines below.  So, I shall:

Psalm 23 - Beside each phrase below, write you own
thoughts about how God is at work in your life:

He makes me to lie down in green pastures: __ He's calling me to stop worrying about a job, Jonathan, my parents, pretty much everything and just trust Him to work it all out according to His will, timing and purpose, and to His glory____.

He leads me beside the still waters:__He keeps asking me to be still with Him and to lay down the artificial solaces in food, HGTV, and constant reasoning________.

He restores my soul: ___He wants me to get more sleep!_______________.

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me:  __To stop being afraid and to simply believe and maintain hope in Him, His provision, His protection.______.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake:  __He wants me to remember that it is not I who live but Christ who lives in me and the life that I now live I live by Faith in Christ who loves me and gave His life for me -- that I AM the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.___________.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:  __He will fulfill His promises to me! ___.

Do better

I need to do better as far as my Father is concerned.  I don't return his calls when he calls and leaves voicemails.  I only visit him about once a week.  I'm complaining about Kay neglecting Jonathan and I'm not doing what I should be doing for my own Father.

Not sure why I'm having so much trouble with this.  Part of it, I suppose, is that I don't fully like the facility.  I wish I was in a situation where I could afford to put him somewhere much nicer.  Better: In a situation where I owned a home big enough to accomodate him and mommy and afford the full-time care.  Or my care.  My care.

Your vocation is marriage and family.

Maybe all I really heard was your vocation is family.  No marriage.  No husband.  Just taking care of Jonathan, my father and my mother.

I'm not doing any of those things very well.

Wearisome and not sure how to make things right.

Make it right, Lord.  I have no capacity to do so. I'm so dependent on Your love and goodness and kindness and other-centeredness working in and through me.  Left to myself, I'm no better than a reprobate - a poor excuse for a child of the most high God.

But will this request be answered?

I read a few more inspriational stories of God's amazing provision - miraculous provision - in "It's a God Thing".  Great book.  Inspiring and soul-deadening at the same time.  You see these people who say these surrender prayers, believing for God to take over and then, voila, He does.

Rarely happens with me.

He provides.  Crazily so.  Just like he did for the prodigal son's brother.  I've always been with Him and everything He has is mine.

Yet, that overt showing of His care and provision, in the way that the Father showed out for the prodigal son.  Not so much.  Yet, like the brother, for me to feel a bit slighted is supposed to be a sin against God.  And act of disobedience and disprect. Irreverant.

Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for the prodigal son's brother, but I do. I identify so well with him.

I can pray for others and see God move in mighty, tremendous ways.  I just rarely see Him move in direct response to prayers over my life.  Indirectly, He does stuff all the time, and yest I AM GRATEFUL.  I rejoice in His provision, protection.  Where woudl I be without Him.  But some things, like job, husband, home -- never mind.  I'm being self-pity, Kim, again.  I just need to stop it.

Help me, Lord.  Help me.