This speaks to me now...

Many Dreams
By Laura Ziesel
April 9, 2012


Scripture:
"For in many dreams and in many words there is emptiness. Rather, fear God." Ecclesiastes 5:7

Reflection:
Over the years, I've had many dreams about who I would be as an adult. I went to college in New York City, and I dreamed of staying there my whole life, learning every corner bakery and hidden treasure. But I've also dreamed of living a quiet life in the country, with my own gardens and chickens, becoming a pro at picking berries off the bushes. I've dreamed of being a lawyer, a teacher, and a business owner. I've dreamed of being married to a pastor, a city banker, and a cowboy. I've dreamed of having my kids young while I'm energetic, and I've dreamed of putting off kids until later in life. In short: my dreams have been many, and they often contradict one another.

Most of the big choices I've made in life have meant not only that I am saying, "Yes" to one thing, but also that I am saying, "No" to many other things. When I decided to follow Jesus, I effectively said goodbye to living for myself. When I married my husband, I said goodbye to my dreams that didn't include him. He's certainly not a cowboy! As I am now pregnant, I find myself starting to wonder what other dreams will never come true as I had imagined.

Because of this uncertainty about the future, I have been reminding myself a lot lately that my value as a person is not found in my ability to accomplish goals or make my dreams into a reality. My value is not in my life experiences, my diplomas, or my future brood of children. It's not in how well I bake a pie or know how to speak a foreign language. My value is entirely and completely in Christ.

I know that truth about my identity in Christ in my mind, but figuring out what that means has been more evasive. Lately, the phrase that brings it all to the surface has been, "Lord, am I enough?" When I ask him that, I crumble inside. I fear that I'm not enough. I want to become those romanticized images of a respected working woman, a joyful gardener, and a world traveler. This one life is not enough to accomplish everything I want to accomplish, everything that I think will make me joyful and fulfilled. There is only one me, and at all times, I want to be more than I currently am.

When I ask him, "Lord, am I enough?," graciously, and only because of the sacrifice of Christ, God always responds to me, "My dear child. You have always been enough for me. You are the one who is unsatisfied." And that is where I now sit, realizing that yet again, I am the one who has to let some of my dreams die. My dreams aren't God's dreams. God doesn't usually give me a preview of what he has dreamed for me. In the face of my many dreams, my selfish dreams and even the noble ones, God looks at me and asks, "The real question is, am I enough for you?" What he wants is that I would simply follow him and be content with being with him, wherever that is.

Prayer:
Gracious God, you have walked with so many men and women before me. You know how fickle the human heart is. Yet for some reason, you still want us, fickle hearts and all. Thank you for wanting me, for calling me to yourself, for dying so that I could be whole. Help me to surrender my dreams to you and to trust you with my future. Help me to be content in you, to find joy simply in spending time with you. And for all of my failures, I ask for your mercy. Amen.

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