Guilt

Is the Lord asking me to do something now?

What's been eating at me most right now is bonding more with my brother and accepting his marriage to a woman who I'm quite uncomfortable even thinking about getting to know because of the circumstances surrounding their relationship, combined with this being a decision that adds to all the pain my brother has caused my mother throughout his life -- and feeling incredibly guilty and ungodly that I feel that way. Wishing he would have worked things out with the woman he spent 25+ years with, who he helped raise her two older sons, and my nephew that they had together (that wasn't a perfect relationship either, but he apparently is still coming to her asking to come back - yes, this is my brother - and I believe Maria would if she thought he'd be up and up in the relationship and stop cheating). My mother has struggled with my brother all her life (his problems going through school, drug abuse & alcoholism, him abusing his relationship with her to get money for drugs, abandonment of his fellowship with other believers, etc.) and she's concerned, as am I, that this woman, who was verbally abusive and rough with my parents when she initially met them (burst into the house demanding that my parents tell her where my brother was), who is raising her jailed daughter's 4 small children, and possibly misusing the money that she receives for their care (and my brother helping her to do so), isn't right for him or my brother for her. It just seems like a train wreck. However, I have such guilt about not inviting her into my life and her children and supporting my brother in this. How can I call myself a Christian if I can't accept this situation and be loving and supportive? Is this unforgiveness? I don't hold a grudge - I don't have anything against her. I guess it's just because the situation...circumstances are so messy and our lives (my parent's and myself) are in a good, relatively quiet place, with me raising my son and being blessed to have my parents share in his upbringing because I live with them (and double blessing due to the circumstances of me being a single mom), that I'm afraid of the upheaval -- of this abrasive woman and her grandchildren running rough-shod over our lives, of my brother allowing it to happen , of them taking advantage of my parents when I eventually move out. I guess it's fear. And I know perfect love casts out all fear, so, clearly, I'm not expressing perfect love...

Please forgive me for this rant. It's been killing me the last few days dealing with this. And all the devotions I've been receiving lately seem to be stomping on me about not accepting my brother's fiancee and the marriage and not doing what I need to do to be closer to my brother. I took an initial step of asking him out to dinner this weekend and tentatively asked him to church. Of course, my guilty conscience is like, you should tell him to also ask if his fiancee can join us...

Lord, deliver me from fear, please give me direction on how to deal with my brother and this situation. Please grant me peace of mind.

My other guilt -- an old friend and my misgivings/struggles with remaining in relationship with her. Lord, I need Your mind's eye. She's in my life and I don't see that changing. So, enable me to receive her into my life and my son's life with love and not dread. Dread is what I feel most of the time. Though, i'm sure there are folks who feel the same about me. I'm sure one of my other girlfriends dreads seeing an email from me. Maybe a particular co-worker at work, too. I know there are people that want to go in the other direction when I'm around. So, it's not particular to her. However, I can't do much with the heart of those who have issues with me, other than pray that you improve me in the areas that get on their nerves.

Lord, move my heart to a place of genuine care and concern. I love this woman, mainly because of our long history - but I don't really like her. I admire and respect her - but I simply don't like her. I don't get a 100% enjoyment being around her and dread her emails and phone calls. I dread having to spend time with her. I simply dread her.

I have to be honest, Lord. I need You in me to change this, because as I said, the situation is likely NOT gonna change, short of us going home to see you - and my prayer is that that does not come any time soon for either of us. So, something's gotta change in my heart to make this a mutually satisfying relationship. I want to look forward to seeing her, spending time with her, speaking to her, getting and email from her. I need you, Lord. I need you...