Anyway, I just wanted to post a cute video of my sweetums. Gosh I love this little boy. He is the mostest evah!
Monday, July 1, 2013
My sweet silly Jonathan
The love of my life is getting so big!! 28 months old. He had a great time in his tot's class at Community Christian Academy and Preschool. And now we're about to have a summer of fun together. He is awesome, awesome, Jonathan! Today he started swim classes and did great. He finally graduate from the Tummy Tub about a month ago and he so enjoys baths - just lays back and rolls around - I decided that homeboy is ready to learn how to backstroke. So many of our young Black children don't know how to swim. It's imperative that Jonathan learns and learns well.
Anyway, I just wanted to post a cute video of my sweetums. Gosh I love this little boy. He is the mostest evah!
Anyway, I just wanted to post a cute video of my sweetums. Gosh I love this little boy. He is the mostest evah!
What a spring! What an early summer!
Well, I turned 46 on May 15th. Four more years till the big 5-0. Four more years for the Lord to get me in step with who I am in Him and who He is in me. However, I'm utterly amazed at how circumstances have turned so that this work He needs to do gets done. Utterly amazed. And the circumstances did not arise solely for me. They arose, I believe, for my whole family - for all who observe and know my family - and ultimately - for His glory.
So, the day before my birthday, May 14th, my father had a freakish, 6 AM fall out of the bed. He was struggling to wake up and in his fitful sleep he fell. He fell and his full of arthritis body, particularly in the neck area, did not conform too well to the fall. He suffered an injury to the cervical area of his spine. Some vertebrae compressed the spinal area and he ended up having surgery to alleviate the compression and then spent 3 weeks in ICU and is now at an acute rehab facility in West Orange, NJ: Kessler Rehabilitation Institute (Christopher Reeve and Luther Vandross were treated there). Currently, he cannot walk. Can't feed himself. Can't really use his arms. Has minimal movement in his hands. Praise God - he is alive. Praise God - there's been vast improvements already since the initial injury. Praise God- He is moving in my father's life and in our family's life as a result of this incident. It had to happen, I believe, for God to heal what really needs to be healed in our family. My dad's injury is a metaphor for all that's immobile, fixed, and needs to be moved in our lives:
Resentment
Anger
Contempt
Fear
Anxiety
Fear
Selfishness
Self-Centeredness
Unforgiveness
Loneliness
Fear
Fear
And more Fear...
God is moving. He is moving. He is delivering. He is changing. He is moving.
My simple prayer is that my dad walks out of Kessler. I believe he will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that my mom with be delivered of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, anger. I believe she will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that I will be delivered of fear, self-centerdness, selfishness. I believe I will. God is moving.
God is moving.
In His ever mysterious ways.
For instance, last weekend I attended a Woman's Tea. Zarida, a good, Christ-Centered friend, one of the organizers, invited me and my mom as her personal guests. Living on a savings budget me LOVED that. So we went. We enjoyed it - IMMENSELY. We learned a lot. The Esther Project is all about empowering women through a 6-month plan, similar to the preparation Esther experienced before she met the King (open your Bible and read the story of Esther in the Old Testament; great read!).
Early months concentrate on improving you - your skin, your environment, your thoughts, prayer life, etc.. Other months are about extending yourself to others. It's a great program. Seeing that July 1 was a Monday and this is the start to the second half of the year - exactly 6 months - I decided to start the program today. I did a purge of gunk in my living space, finishing tomorrow with further stripping of an already stripped closet. Fortunately, the Lord moved me to do a lot of improvements right after I left IBM, earlier in the year, so this recent purging wasn't a hardship. And I love living anal-neat, so that also made it easy. However, oh how liberating it is to have stuff in even tighter, ship-shop shape. Thank you Esther Project.
Also, last week, Christine Johnson and I met for lovely convo and lunch in NYC. A great day and a great convo. I knew that Christine sold Arbonne. I thought when she reached out to me on LinkedIN to meet for lunch to "catch up" that she might ask me about joining Arbonne as a consultant. Hey, clearly she could see from my profile that I'm currently not working. I think there was something in me that wanted her to extend the offer. Some kind of readiness to receive such an offer.
Holy Spirit?
In the wake of our meeting, I've been researching everything I can about Network Marketing. I sent her hard questions. She provided great answers. We're meeting again tomorrow. I'm gonna drive 90+ minutes to do so. I'm afraid to really, truly do this, but there's no dread. I'm experiencing more of a healthy, this is gonna stretch you to the hilt fear...this is gonna make you step out of your comfort zone fear...this might actually make you do stuff you said you would never, could never do. Why? God wants to do it through you. He wants to show up in power in this thing. Are you gonna let him do it?
I'm not sure -- though, I guess I'm leaning toward...yeah.
So, what's the main thing I'm afraid of? Prospecting. Building my network and doing the actual presentations. Going into people's homes or where ever I might have to go to do the presentations. Having to get people to consider consulting for Arbonne. All the start-up work involved. All the work involved with maintaining and sustaining a team
And yet, I see possibilities for a more authentic and actualized life. I see Jakin Sanctuary Foundation and Retreat Center finally coming to be. I see a season living in Paris with Jonathan and being able to send him to the best school for him in NYC during his primary years. I see God Almighty showing up for me big time to do in me and through me what I could never achieve on my own - similar to IBM, but this time using a platform that makes a hell of a lot more sense to me - supporting a product that makes more sense and where I can tangibly understand it's benefits to our customers - and can articulate those benefits. I could never do that in IT. I was always so lost. But, but, but for His grace. And yet again, if I purse Arbonne, but, but, but For His Grace - with icing of clarity on top.
And truth be told - I'm so tired of living afraid, especially of people. I'm having to wrestle a lot with that part of myself dealing with my dad and mother - having to stand up for them in different situations - stuff I'm totally not used to. I hate confrontation of any kind and I get this strong feeling in my spirit that the Lord wants me free of this fear, i.e., of exerting myself a bit more - of reaching out a bit more. It's interesting to me that both Arbonne and The Esther Project came my way in the same week. I see great synergy in the timing and placement of both of them in my life. It's like confirmation of what I've been sensing from the Lord the past month. It's time for me to get out of my shell, while still being me, but a more actualized, authentic and courageous me. He's got things He wants to do through me, but if keep hiding behind my loner self, they're not gonna get done. If not for my Father's accident, I might not have hit the need for this change in such a strong way - but the current situation demands more of ME. Jonathan does too, as I'm raising him alone. A cowering mother he does not deserve.
So, here is my spring/early summer. With all that is crazy, there is an abiding, underlying peace that is sustaining. God is moving. He is in charge. I can trust Him and lean on Him. I shall not be moved. I shall not be dismayed. He's working His mysterious thing in my life, in my family's life. And guess what:
We're all the better for it.
So, the day before my birthday, May 14th, my father had a freakish, 6 AM fall out of the bed. He was struggling to wake up and in his fitful sleep he fell. He fell and his full of arthritis body, particularly in the neck area, did not conform too well to the fall. He suffered an injury to the cervical area of his spine. Some vertebrae compressed the spinal area and he ended up having surgery to alleviate the compression and then spent 3 weeks in ICU and is now at an acute rehab facility in West Orange, NJ: Kessler Rehabilitation Institute (Christopher Reeve and Luther Vandross were treated there). Currently, he cannot walk. Can't feed himself. Can't really use his arms. Has minimal movement in his hands. Praise God - he is alive. Praise God - there's been vast improvements already since the initial injury. Praise God- He is moving in my father's life and in our family's life as a result of this incident. It had to happen, I believe, for God to heal what really needs to be healed in our family. My dad's injury is a metaphor for all that's immobile, fixed, and needs to be moved in our lives:
Resentment
Anger
Contempt
Fear
Anxiety
Fear
Selfishness
Self-Centeredness
Unforgiveness
Loneliness
Fear
Fear
And more Fear...
God is moving. He is moving. He is delivering. He is changing. He is moving.
My simple prayer is that my dad walks out of Kessler. I believe he will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that my mom with be delivered of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, anger. I believe she will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that I will be delivered of fear, self-centerdness, selfishness. I believe I will. God is moving.
God is moving.
In His ever mysterious ways.
For instance, last weekend I attended a Woman's Tea. Zarida, a good, Christ-Centered friend, one of the organizers, invited me and my mom as her personal guests. Living on a savings budget me LOVED that. So we went. We enjoyed it - IMMENSELY. We learned a lot. The Esther Project is all about empowering women through a 6-month plan, similar to the preparation Esther experienced before she met the King (open your Bible and read the story of Esther in the Old Testament; great read!).
Early months concentrate on improving you - your skin, your environment, your thoughts, prayer life, etc.. Other months are about extending yourself to others. It's a great program. Seeing that July 1 was a Monday and this is the start to the second half of the year - exactly 6 months - I decided to start the program today. I did a purge of gunk in my living space, finishing tomorrow with further stripping of an already stripped closet. Fortunately, the Lord moved me to do a lot of improvements right after I left IBM, earlier in the year, so this recent purging wasn't a hardship. And I love living anal-neat, so that also made it easy. However, oh how liberating it is to have stuff in even tighter, ship-shop shape. Thank you Esther Project.
Also, last week, Christine Johnson and I met for lovely convo and lunch in NYC. A great day and a great convo. I knew that Christine sold Arbonne. I thought when she reached out to me on LinkedIN to meet for lunch to "catch up" that she might ask me about joining Arbonne as a consultant. Hey, clearly she could see from my profile that I'm currently not working. I think there was something in me that wanted her to extend the offer. Some kind of readiness to receive such an offer.
Holy Spirit?
In the wake of our meeting, I've been researching everything I can about Network Marketing. I sent her hard questions. She provided great answers. We're meeting again tomorrow. I'm gonna drive 90+ minutes to do so. I'm afraid to really, truly do this, but there's no dread. I'm experiencing more of a healthy, this is gonna stretch you to the hilt fear...this is gonna make you step out of your comfort zone fear...this might actually make you do stuff you said you would never, could never do. Why? God wants to do it through you. He wants to show up in power in this thing. Are you gonna let him do it?
I'm not sure -- though, I guess I'm leaning toward...yeah.
So, what's the main thing I'm afraid of? Prospecting. Building my network and doing the actual presentations. Going into people's homes or where ever I might have to go to do the presentations. Having to get people to consider consulting for Arbonne. All the start-up work involved. All the work involved with maintaining and sustaining a team
And yet, I see possibilities for a more authentic and actualized life. I see Jakin Sanctuary Foundation and Retreat Center finally coming to be. I see a season living in Paris with Jonathan and being able to send him to the best school for him in NYC during his primary years. I see God Almighty showing up for me big time to do in me and through me what I could never achieve on my own - similar to IBM, but this time using a platform that makes a hell of a lot more sense to me - supporting a product that makes more sense and where I can tangibly understand it's benefits to our customers - and can articulate those benefits. I could never do that in IT. I was always so lost. But, but, but for His grace. And yet again, if I purse Arbonne, but, but, but For His Grace - with icing of clarity on top.
And truth be told - I'm so tired of living afraid, especially of people. I'm having to wrestle a lot with that part of myself dealing with my dad and mother - having to stand up for them in different situations - stuff I'm totally not used to. I hate confrontation of any kind and I get this strong feeling in my spirit that the Lord wants me free of this fear, i.e., of exerting myself a bit more - of reaching out a bit more. It's interesting to me that both Arbonne and The Esther Project came my way in the same week. I see great synergy in the timing and placement of both of them in my life. It's like confirmation of what I've been sensing from the Lord the past month. It's time for me to get out of my shell, while still being me, but a more actualized, authentic and courageous me. He's got things He wants to do through me, but if keep hiding behind my loner self, they're not gonna get done. If not for my Father's accident, I might not have hit the need for this change in such a strong way - but the current situation demands more of ME. Jonathan does too, as I'm raising him alone. A cowering mother he does not deserve.
So, here is my spring/early summer. With all that is crazy, there is an abiding, underlying peace that is sustaining. God is moving. He is in charge. I can trust Him and lean on Him. I shall not be moved. I shall not be dismayed. He's working His mysterious thing in my life, in my family's life. And guess what:
We're all the better for it.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
PhD Pursuit - on hold or maybe...
...not for me. Not sure. Still believing - "One Day...". However, it did not pan out this go around. I'm perfectly happy and fine with it. I'm not clear what the Lord has in store vocation-wise. I trust that He has a plan and that's all that matters. He knows me better than I know myself and knows where I need to be, what I need to be doing, how I need to do it, in the time that I should. I rest in Him alone. I seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, believing that all other stuff that is needed or required He will make manifest in my life by His power and grace. The silver and gold is His - and that includes the credit union bank accounts, the 401K, the pension and any other funds that might come my way - funds, provisions, gifts. He is able to supply all my and Jonathan's needs according to His riches in Glory. He is able to grant me favor with whomever favor needs to be granted. He is able to prosper me so that I can be a vessel of blessing to others, and to be ensured that what He flows through me enables His gospel to be furthered throughout the earth - so that the widow, the orphan, the poor, the hungry and the homeless are blessed and cared for - and lifted up! He is able. I am His - ALL for HIS use and HIS glory. Have your way, Lord. I rely wholly upon YOU. Care for me as your word promises, for it says, Cast all of your anxieties on the Lord." Why? "Because He cares for ME!!"
Praise you JESUS!
Praise you JESUS!
Still believing, yet learning to be ever RECEIVING of His GRACE
So, the title of my blog is "...but for His grace". I've tried to somewhat keep to that theme with my entries, but I have tended to go off track here and there:-). Nonetheless, over the past few months of me sabbatical time - this glorious post-IBM time of my life - I've been learning ever more about the true riches of his grace and mercy that He pours out in the lives of those who have trusted Him as their Lord and Savior! The Lord has blessed me in particular through some extraordinary teachings in His word, primarily - the teachings of Jesus Christ our Lord Himself in the Gospel accounts - and also through new covenant teachers Joel Osteen and Joseph Prince. Between Joel and Joseph, the teachings of Joseph have truly been a blessing! Mind-blowing, really! He is a man truly sent by the Lord God Almighty Himself to bring His children into deeper dependence and satiation in Christ and to inspire more of His creation to come into relationship with Jesus and to understand just how marvelous what He accomplished on the cross is for those who BELIEVE!!
The message is simple: For Those Who confess Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, Who Believe that He indeed was crucified on the cross FOR US and is NOW alive again, EVER LIVING to intercede on our behalves - WE HAVE BEEN UTTERLY and EVERLASTINGLY FORGIVEN and ARE NOW THE RIGHTEOUSNESS of GOD in CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD! In JESUS WE HAVE UNENDING GRACE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN or DONE, ALL THAT WE ARE OR DO, AND ALL THAT WE WILL BE OR DO. HIS WORK ON THE CROSS WAS A COMPLETE and FINISHED WORK. There is nothing left for us, those who believe, to do. He has done it all. ALL WE NEED TO DO IS REST IN HIM and to BASK IN HIM. TURN to Him for everything. Rely on HIM completely. There is nothing in me to enable me to be righteous, to live rightly, to treat people right, to love unconditionally, but He whose eyes are stayed on Christ, can be in PERFECT peace and can be enabled to do whatever is necessary to live a life that glorifies our risen Saviour, our Glorious and Almighty Father in Heaven.
JESUS IS ENOUGH!
No more striving to act right, be right, know right. He has granted us all that is necessary to do those things through the living person of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. REST in JESUS. Meditate on HIM. SPEAK the TRUTH of WHO I AM in HIM. BE HUMBLED by this FINISHED WORK, and SEE HOW He can do so much to HIS GLORY, PRAISE, AND HONOR through this humble resting in the majesty and beauty that is our GOD. HE IS AWESOME, HE IS GREAT, and OH HOW MUCH HE LOVES US. SO MUCH THAT HE SENT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON TO DIE A DEATH that was so atrocious, so painful, so awful, simply so that we could be in the same consecrated, perfect relationship with our Father that He has been able to experience for all eternity, save for those 3 days that He was separated from the Father for our Sake!
What wonder is in His GRACE. WHAT BEAUTY in the way He regards us, cares for us, protects us. EVEN in tragedy - HE is our PROTECTOR. HE keeps us.
As I've been hearing these truths and absorbing them into my heart and mind, I've been hearing the voice of the accuser: OH, this great and merciful and graceful God that you are so excited about. Where was he for those believers that flew on the planes on 9/11/2001? Where was he in that school in Newtown, CT - all those innocent children? Where is He for the thousands, millions of innocent children who have been sexually abused - even defenseless infants, penetrated by GROWN MEN! What kind of GOD is this who you call merciful, loving, gracious and just? What KIND of GOD grants you favor when you have the gall to call and innocent child, your very own son, STUPID BOY - with fervor and great belief and anger! THIS IS the GOD who you say died on a cross for your sins and to grant HIS CHILDREN good things - a life that is abundant?!!
YES HE IS!
I believe that HIS protection, HIS grace, HIS mercy covers and is in the midst of EVERY Situation listed above - as absolutely horrible as they all might sound. In sickness and in health, in terror and in trauma, our LOVING FATHER is present. He is there. He swoops in with His everlasting arms and He holds us - YES - even the Newtown, CT children. How? I believe that He enables them to not experience the fullness of the terror in that moment - somehow, somehow...
I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that the infant is saved from the pain, the trauma of sexual abuse...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that He protected the heart and ears of my son when I spoke so viciously to him...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE that the sick and the dying and the family and friends who are witnesses to the horror of it all ARE comforted - whether in the midst or after - they are comforted by the loving hand of our mighty creator.
HIS GRACE and CARE DOES NOT END. IT IS AVAILABLE For EVERYONE, but I believe even moreso, it is available for the unprotected, the defenseless. the innocent. LORD GOD, I MUST BELIEVE or all else that I believe will simply come to naught!
Lord, as I defend your MIGHTY name, the might and beauty of who YOU ARE, please reveal to me in your word, through dreams, through preaching, whatever way you desire, to show me - to give me even more proof of what I believe. No one wants to be tested. I would hate for anything - any pain or trauma to come to Jonathan or me or any family member or friend to prove my point - and yet, my point, my trust in who YOU ARE and the majesty of your love towards us - Lord, I want people to understand that YOU ARE THERE. Simply saying YOUR ways are HIGHER than our ways -- well, that I don't believe is enough for those who do not believe - who are in the midst of struggle and travail, and can't bring themselves to even believe that you exist let alone that you are with them in their TRIAL. Your word says, CALL TO ME and I will tell you things that you do not know. In my heart I"m holding on to a belief that in ALL Things YOU DESERVE the glory and HONOR and praise and that you truly care for ALL of your creation - that YOU DESIRE THE VERY BEST and that YOU PROVED this through the death and Resurrection of your son. Tragedy rocks this truth, Lord. It rocks this truth.
I stand in faith that the blessings of Abraham - confirmed through Christ - is with Me. That right happenings are coming my way - even today. That wholeness of health in body and mind are for me and Jonathan - that their is supernatural provision and protection that is available to me for I believe that in YOU, the only SOURCE for these things, they are granted through the mighty and precious name of JESUS. I declare your goodness in all Things. Whether abased or abounding - I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS MY LORD!
Thank you Lord. Reveal more of who You ARE to me. HELP me to relate these truths. Help me to be who You need me to be. May YOU GAIN ALL the GLORY, the HONOR, and the PRAISE!!
HALLELUJAH!
The message is simple: For Those Who confess Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, Who Believe that He indeed was crucified on the cross FOR US and is NOW alive again, EVER LIVING to intercede on our behalves - WE HAVE BEEN UTTERLY and EVERLASTINGLY FORGIVEN and ARE NOW THE RIGHTEOUSNESS of GOD in CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD! In JESUS WE HAVE UNENDING GRACE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN or DONE, ALL THAT WE ARE OR DO, AND ALL THAT WE WILL BE OR DO. HIS WORK ON THE CROSS WAS A COMPLETE and FINISHED WORK. There is nothing left for us, those who believe, to do. He has done it all. ALL WE NEED TO DO IS REST IN HIM and to BASK IN HIM. TURN to Him for everything. Rely on HIM completely. There is nothing in me to enable me to be righteous, to live rightly, to treat people right, to love unconditionally, but He whose eyes are stayed on Christ, can be in PERFECT peace and can be enabled to do whatever is necessary to live a life that glorifies our risen Saviour, our Glorious and Almighty Father in Heaven.
JESUS IS ENOUGH!
No more striving to act right, be right, know right. He has granted us all that is necessary to do those things through the living person of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. REST in JESUS. Meditate on HIM. SPEAK the TRUTH of WHO I AM in HIM. BE HUMBLED by this FINISHED WORK, and SEE HOW He can do so much to HIS GLORY, PRAISE, AND HONOR through this humble resting in the majesty and beauty that is our GOD. HE IS AWESOME, HE IS GREAT, and OH HOW MUCH HE LOVES US. SO MUCH THAT HE SENT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON TO DIE A DEATH that was so atrocious, so painful, so awful, simply so that we could be in the same consecrated, perfect relationship with our Father that He has been able to experience for all eternity, save for those 3 days that He was separated from the Father for our Sake!
What wonder is in His GRACE. WHAT BEAUTY in the way He regards us, cares for us, protects us. EVEN in tragedy - HE is our PROTECTOR. HE keeps us.
As I've been hearing these truths and absorbing them into my heart and mind, I've been hearing the voice of the accuser: OH, this great and merciful and graceful God that you are so excited about. Where was he for those believers that flew on the planes on 9/11/2001? Where was he in that school in Newtown, CT - all those innocent children? Where is He for the thousands, millions of innocent children who have been sexually abused - even defenseless infants, penetrated by GROWN MEN! What kind of GOD is this who you call merciful, loving, gracious and just? What KIND of GOD grants you favor when you have the gall to call and innocent child, your very own son, STUPID BOY - with fervor and great belief and anger! THIS IS the GOD who you say died on a cross for your sins and to grant HIS CHILDREN good things - a life that is abundant?!!
YES HE IS!
I believe that HIS protection, HIS grace, HIS mercy covers and is in the midst of EVERY Situation listed above - as absolutely horrible as they all might sound. In sickness and in health, in terror and in trauma, our LOVING FATHER is present. He is there. He swoops in with His everlasting arms and He holds us - YES - even the Newtown, CT children. How? I believe that He enables them to not experience the fullness of the terror in that moment - somehow, somehow...
I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that the infant is saved from the pain, the trauma of sexual abuse...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE, that He protected the heart and ears of my son when I spoke so viciously to him...
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO BELIEVE that the sick and the dying and the family and friends who are witnesses to the horror of it all ARE comforted - whether in the midst or after - they are comforted by the loving hand of our mighty creator.
HIS GRACE and CARE DOES NOT END. IT IS AVAILABLE For EVERYONE, but I believe even moreso, it is available for the unprotected, the defenseless. the innocent. LORD GOD, I MUST BELIEVE or all else that I believe will simply come to naught!
Lord, as I defend your MIGHTY name, the might and beauty of who YOU ARE, please reveal to me in your word, through dreams, through preaching, whatever way you desire, to show me - to give me even more proof of what I believe. No one wants to be tested. I would hate for anything - any pain or trauma to come to Jonathan or me or any family member or friend to prove my point - and yet, my point, my trust in who YOU ARE and the majesty of your love towards us - Lord, I want people to understand that YOU ARE THERE. Simply saying YOUR ways are HIGHER than our ways -- well, that I don't believe is enough for those who do not believe - who are in the midst of struggle and travail, and can't bring themselves to even believe that you exist let alone that you are with them in their TRIAL. Your word says, CALL TO ME and I will tell you things that you do not know. In my heart I"m holding on to a belief that in ALL Things YOU DESERVE the glory and HONOR and praise and that you truly care for ALL of your creation - that YOU DESIRE THE VERY BEST and that YOU PROVED this through the death and Resurrection of your son. Tragedy rocks this truth, Lord. It rocks this truth.
I stand in faith that the blessings of Abraham - confirmed through Christ - is with Me. That right happenings are coming my way - even today. That wholeness of health in body and mind are for me and Jonathan - that their is supernatural provision and protection that is available to me for I believe that in YOU, the only SOURCE for these things, they are granted through the mighty and precious name of JESUS. I declare your goodness in all Things. Whether abased or abounding - I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS MY LORD!
Thank you Lord. Reveal more of who You ARE to me. HELP me to relate these truths. Help me to be who You need me to be. May YOU GAIN ALL the GLORY, the HONOR, and the PRAISE!!
HALLELUJAH!
Monday, April 1, 2013
5-minute post - REJOICING IN FAITH
I have 5 minutes before I have to wake up Mr. Jonathan (who refused to lay down for a nap and basically did not fall asleep until about 45 minutes ago - I think it was the two cookies that the nice lady at the grocery store gave him:->).
Just wanted to express a few words of faith and trust in our Lord God Almighty and how utterly excited I am about how He is moving in my life and expanding my heart to know Him and all His ways. How particular He has been with me lately and how tender in my quest to stand in utter belief and trust that He is able to do the impossible. That He is being unto me like King Hezekiah - reversing the curse, not allowing my trust in Him, my desire to please Him be in vain. As he HEARD Hezekiah's prayers, He hears my prayers. As I've done those things He's led me to in this move toward a miracle that will bring Him great glory, He has reinforced my faith. It's just a joyous time. No matter the outcome. My expectancy of who He is and what He can do will never be the same. It's through the roof and I only can see it going ever higher, higher, higher.
Praise you Lord God in the Highest for You ARE worthy to be Praised and Highly Lifted Up!
Just wanted to express a few words of faith and trust in our Lord God Almighty and how utterly excited I am about how He is moving in my life and expanding my heart to know Him and all His ways. How particular He has been with me lately and how tender in my quest to stand in utter belief and trust that He is able to do the impossible. That He is being unto me like King Hezekiah - reversing the curse, not allowing my trust in Him, my desire to please Him be in vain. As he HEARD Hezekiah's prayers, He hears my prayers. As I've done those things He's led me to in this move toward a miracle that will bring Him great glory, He has reinforced my faith. It's just a joyous time. No matter the outcome. My expectancy of who He is and what He can do will never be the same. It's through the roof and I only can see it going ever higher, higher, higher.
Praise you Lord God in the Highest for You ARE worthy to be Praised and Highly Lifted Up!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Mothers & Daughters
I'm feeling a bit strange today. However, I'm gonna chalk most of it up to PMS for a menstrual cycle that will likely arrive early (not supposed to happen till April Fools Day). I'm just feeling out of sorts and a bit touchy, which is always a sure sign of PMS.
It's primarily connected to my mother. Now, because of I have the spiritual gift of perceiving (according to http://www.gifttest.org), I'm usually on the money about my impressions of a person's regard of me. So, today, what I'm feeling most from my mother is a bit of disdain and I guess jealousy. That sounds so stupid and I'm embarrassed to even write it, however, it's what I'm strongly sensing. It's also something I can weirdly identify with because it's the fear of feeling those emotions that have always made me sorta nervous about having a daughter of my own.
The emotions are related to seeing a younger version of yourself. I'm wearing an outfit today that she actually purchased for me for Christmas It's a basic runners outfit that I requested for my quest to get back into running this year. Weather has been crazy so I've done more walking than running, but the outfit will get good use. It fits me well. My mother has two particular obsessions right now about her appearance: How much weight she's losing primarily by virtue of having several surgeries, eating better, and getting older over the past couple of years and if her hair is growing. They are constants in her conversations. The other constants are complaints related to my father (I plan to do a whole series of entries on the dynamics of that relationship).
She came home today from shopping and she just sort looked me up and down as if she was really disgusted with me. She also was carrying the burden of finding out there's an issue with their Envoy that needs to be fixed and when it comes to any extra expenses that require my father to have a hand in making sure the right thing gets done, she instantly goes into a quiet rage. She doesn't trust his judgment, nor trust that whatever assessment he receives and its cost are accurate and true. She believes that he's constantly looking for ways to get money out of her and cheat her (yes, this is their marriage). So, probably some of the disgust on her face was related to her disgust of the car situation AND the fact that I"m not presently working so maybe if I were I'd be able to help out more on that end (and now I think she's getting a bit impatient with me not working). So all that put together and you get: Disdain, Disdain, Disdain.
Throw in this runners outfit and my badly need a relaxer hair which makes it appear fuller than it is (it's been thinning lately - sad, sad for me -- i feel her pain on that front) and, well, it's just really uncomfortable being around her today.
And like I said above, this sort of thing is something I can imagine a lot of older moms feel around their daughters. Seeing your youth in their faces but you now in your latter years. I suppose if you are living a fulfilling life, in a happy, thriving marriage, or if widowed or divorced, really enjoying time with family, friends and yourself, then those kind of ugly emotions wouldn't rear their head as strongly as I'm experiencing with my mom right now. However, she is severely unhappy with her marriage, severely suspicious of most family and friends (everyone has an agenda and is out to use her) and severely unhappy with her own self-image, the choices she's made, and I believe, in many ways, the God she serves.
She's lived a hard life. I'll go into that in later blog entries. And the hardness of the situations that she's lived through has caused a sort of hardening on the inside. True joy belies here. I see glimpses of it with Jonathan and sometimes when she spends time with a couple of girlfriends that she likes and respects. But she's starved for affection, tangible acts of love from a man who cares for her with all is heart and mind and doesn't have a divided heart - a man she can trust, or who is at least repentant for the wrongs she feels have been enacted against her by him (my dad). She's living in a shell of pain, regret, resentment, anger and contempt and they all touch her interactions with others - especially those in her immediate circle.
My prayer for her is RELEASE. Release from all the internal pain and unrest, and that the Lord pour out in her heart His love, His devotion, His care. That she have a renewed longing to be in fellowship with other believers (for her church has disappointed her to the extent that she no longer wants to attend any church or even really pick up her Bible, save for the 60 minutes of study time that takes place with the Senior Citizens Bible Study on Tuesdays). However, what's most needed is simply fellowship with the Father. To be refreshed and renewed by Him, and, through His love, be able to forgive my father and others who have hurt her, and move forward with compassion and empathy for their weaknesses. To be able to pray for them rather than condemn them. To release them to the Father so that He can work out a plan of redemption in their lives.
That's my prayer.
For now, I'll avoid her as much as possible:-), and pray that the prayer I submitted yesterday about being gentle in my responses to her is answered- whenever we do, by chance, run into each other during the course of the day.
Oh - gonna leave with this question to you, Lord: On acceptance to RU, maybe I should move into a place with me and Jonathan? Can you let me know what you think about that?:-) Thanks!!
It's primarily connected to my mother. Now, because of I have the spiritual gift of perceiving (according to http://www.gifttest.org), I'm usually on the money about my impressions of a person's regard of me. So, today, what I'm feeling most from my mother is a bit of disdain and I guess jealousy. That sounds so stupid and I'm embarrassed to even write it, however, it's what I'm strongly sensing. It's also something I can weirdly identify with because it's the fear of feeling those emotions that have always made me sorta nervous about having a daughter of my own.
The emotions are related to seeing a younger version of yourself. I'm wearing an outfit today that she actually purchased for me for Christmas It's a basic runners outfit that I requested for my quest to get back into running this year. Weather has been crazy so I've done more walking than running, but the outfit will get good use. It fits me well. My mother has two particular obsessions right now about her appearance: How much weight she's losing primarily by virtue of having several surgeries, eating better, and getting older over the past couple of years and if her hair is growing. They are constants in her conversations. The other constants are complaints related to my father (I plan to do a whole series of entries on the dynamics of that relationship).
She came home today from shopping and she just sort looked me up and down as if she was really disgusted with me. She also was carrying the burden of finding out there's an issue with their Envoy that needs to be fixed and when it comes to any extra expenses that require my father to have a hand in making sure the right thing gets done, she instantly goes into a quiet rage. She doesn't trust his judgment, nor trust that whatever assessment he receives and its cost are accurate and true. She believes that he's constantly looking for ways to get money out of her and cheat her (yes, this is their marriage). So, probably some of the disgust on her face was related to her disgust of the car situation AND the fact that I"m not presently working so maybe if I were I'd be able to help out more on that end (and now I think she's getting a bit impatient with me not working). So all that put together and you get: Disdain, Disdain, Disdain.
Throw in this runners outfit and my badly need a relaxer hair which makes it appear fuller than it is (it's been thinning lately - sad, sad for me -- i feel her pain on that front) and, well, it's just really uncomfortable being around her today.
And like I said above, this sort of thing is something I can imagine a lot of older moms feel around their daughters. Seeing your youth in their faces but you now in your latter years. I suppose if you are living a fulfilling life, in a happy, thriving marriage, or if widowed or divorced, really enjoying time with family, friends and yourself, then those kind of ugly emotions wouldn't rear their head as strongly as I'm experiencing with my mom right now. However, she is severely unhappy with her marriage, severely suspicious of most family and friends (everyone has an agenda and is out to use her) and severely unhappy with her own self-image, the choices she's made, and I believe, in many ways, the God she serves.
She's lived a hard life. I'll go into that in later blog entries. And the hardness of the situations that she's lived through has caused a sort of hardening on the inside. True joy belies here. I see glimpses of it with Jonathan and sometimes when she spends time with a couple of girlfriends that she likes and respects. But she's starved for affection, tangible acts of love from a man who cares for her with all is heart and mind and doesn't have a divided heart - a man she can trust, or who is at least repentant for the wrongs she feels have been enacted against her by him (my dad). She's living in a shell of pain, regret, resentment, anger and contempt and they all touch her interactions with others - especially those in her immediate circle.
My prayer for her is RELEASE. Release from all the internal pain and unrest, and that the Lord pour out in her heart His love, His devotion, His care. That she have a renewed longing to be in fellowship with other believers (for her church has disappointed her to the extent that she no longer wants to attend any church or even really pick up her Bible, save for the 60 minutes of study time that takes place with the Senior Citizens Bible Study on Tuesdays). However, what's most needed is simply fellowship with the Father. To be refreshed and renewed by Him, and, through His love, be able to forgive my father and others who have hurt her, and move forward with compassion and empathy for their weaknesses. To be able to pray for them rather than condemn them. To release them to the Father so that He can work out a plan of redemption in their lives.
That's my prayer.
For now, I'll avoid her as much as possible:-), and pray that the prayer I submitted yesterday about being gentle in my responses to her is answered- whenever we do, by chance, run into each other during the course of the day.
Oh - gonna leave with this question to you, Lord: On acceptance to RU, maybe I should move into a place with me and Jonathan? Can you let me know what you think about that?:-) Thanks!!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Encouraging others throught the fruit of the Spirit
It's a beautiful spring day - well, sorta. A tad bit warmer than usual (46 degrees) and the sun is visiting us intermittently, AND it's dry. No rain, no snow. So, yeah, it's a beautiful day. However, even if all those things were not happening, it would be a beautiful day, for it's one more day in the Lord. One more day for me to learn more about Him and His ways. One more day for me to become more of the me that He created me to be and to learn how to like the me that I already am.
It's a beautiful day!
I had a devotion today from Girlfriends in God about how to be an encourager. It was written by Mary Southerland, whose devotions I typically avoid cause she tends to bring a HARD word, i.e., admonishment, correction, etc.. To me, many times she can be a bit discouraging, so for her to write about how to be an encourager - well, I took it with a grain of salt after reading the title. However, it turned out to be a great lesson. One I truly need to apply to my life.
I've believed myself to be pretty encouraging. I enjoy lifting folks up, bringing a good, kind word - supporting folks when they're trying a new thing. I like to be the rah rah friend, the "You can do it!!" friend. However, I like to be that person when it's MOST convenient for me to do so. I'm quite stingy, stingy, stingy with my time. After all, I need most of it to focus on encouraging and thinking about myself:-). Yeah, it's that mind-numbing, navel-gazing self-focus that has gotten in the way of me being a consistent, when the Lord directs it, encourager. After reading this devotion, I know now, that through Christ, such a way of being needs to change.
So, I'm asking and believing that the Lord will move in me to lend myself - my time - to others more readily. To not avoid phone calls (or ignore them) and to not neglect returning calls that I miss. To actually dial a person up now and then to hear how they're doing. To pay folks a visit who I've promised to visit (um, such as visiting Kenny and Laura this weekend). I need the Lord to move through me. To enable me. It's only by His power that such a change can happen.
This extends to my parents and Jonathan, who tend to get the brunt of my selfishness. I'm good at letting Jonathan just do his own thing while I nit-pick about stuff concerning me, myself and I. I'm great at totally ignoring my mother when she's talking to me or rolling my eyes when my father attempts to make conversation, particularly when I"m trying to watch an episode of House Hunters or some other mindless HGTV show. Lord forgive me and continue to conform me to your way of loving others - encouraging others.
So, as an additional step in taking on this better way, Mary Southerland requested that readers write out the list of the fruit that the Spirit is able to display through our lives and ways in which the Lord can enable me to bless others by that fruit. Lord, help me to be complete, authentic, and loving as I complete this task!
Love & Kindness - Lord, enable me to love my father where he is at - to display that love in a very clear and tangible way. Keep me from being rude or put-off by him. He truly is desperate for someone to hear him and regard him with love and kindness. During this period that I am not working and have more free time to spend with him, help me to build a stronger relationship and friendship with him, and let your love and kindness flow through me to him.
Peace - Lord, you have impressed Kay upon my heart as someone who is in desperate need of true peace in his life that is separate from his work, his responsibilities, his recreation - himself. I'm not really sure how I can help him to experience that peace other than to remember him in prayer - regularly - concerning this need...to declare over his life your peace that surpasses human understanding and to request that it flow through his life in a transformative way, so transformative that it leads him back (or maybe for the first time) to a truly abiding relationship with you, a thriving relationship that reflects a life of repentance and a commitment to pursuing holiness in all areas.
Goodness & Joy - Lord, please show me a tangible way to return to Zarida the goodness she has extended to me and Jonathan. My mind draws a blank, but I know that you know a way that will truly bless her and bring her great joy.
Faithfulness - Lord, Lolita needs to experience in a fresh and real way just how faithful you are - have been - and will be in her life! Lord, may giving her the book "Your Best Life Now" open her eyes to the myriad of ways in which she can depend on you and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that IN YOU she has all that she needs to accomplish EVERYTHING You are calling her to accomplish. You are mighty God and You know her and all her abilities - her strengths and her weaknesses. You love her just the way she is and can use her RIGHT now. Help her to truly rest in Your faithfulness and to let Your power flow through her life. Give her a deep understanding that she IS CREATED IN YOUR IMAGE and there is INTRINSIC VALUE in that alone!
Gentleness - Lord, give me the ability to treat my mother with gentleness, even when she is sarcastic and sometimes negative in her comments and actions. Keep me from retorting in anger and harshness - to not be short with her. Give me the ability to be slow of speech - to THINK - before I reply and when I reply, if I reply, to do so in a gentle and sweet manner.
Patience & Self-Control - Lord, help me to exercise these fruits in my daily care and feeding of Jonathan. I tend to fly off the handle, due to my controlling and manipulative traits, and end up being so much more harsh with him when he does something I don't want him to do, or doesn't follow instructions I give him EXACTLY the way I want him to. Equip me to be loving and kind to him when I correct him. Help me to discipline him in the loving way that you discipline me.
It's a beautiful day!
I had a devotion today from Girlfriends in God about how to be an encourager. It was written by Mary Southerland, whose devotions I typically avoid cause she tends to bring a HARD word, i.e., admonishment, correction, etc.. To me, many times she can be a bit discouraging, so for her to write about how to be an encourager - well, I took it with a grain of salt after reading the title. However, it turned out to be a great lesson. One I truly need to apply to my life.
I've believed myself to be pretty encouraging. I enjoy lifting folks up, bringing a good, kind word - supporting folks when they're trying a new thing. I like to be the rah rah friend, the "You can do it!!" friend. However, I like to be that person when it's MOST convenient for me to do so. I'm quite stingy, stingy, stingy with my time. After all, I need most of it to focus on encouraging and thinking about myself:-). Yeah, it's that mind-numbing, navel-gazing self-focus that has gotten in the way of me being a consistent, when the Lord directs it, encourager. After reading this devotion, I know now, that through Christ, such a way of being needs to change.
So, I'm asking and believing that the Lord will move in me to lend myself - my time - to others more readily. To not avoid phone calls (or ignore them) and to not neglect returning calls that I miss. To actually dial a person up now and then to hear how they're doing. To pay folks a visit who I've promised to visit (um, such as visiting Kenny and Laura this weekend). I need the Lord to move through me. To enable me. It's only by His power that such a change can happen.
This extends to my parents and Jonathan, who tend to get the brunt of my selfishness. I'm good at letting Jonathan just do his own thing while I nit-pick about stuff concerning me, myself and I. I'm great at totally ignoring my mother when she's talking to me or rolling my eyes when my father attempts to make conversation, particularly when I"m trying to watch an episode of House Hunters or some other mindless HGTV show. Lord forgive me and continue to conform me to your way of loving others - encouraging others.
So, as an additional step in taking on this better way, Mary Southerland requested that readers write out the list of the fruit that the Spirit is able to display through our lives and ways in which the Lord can enable me to bless others by that fruit. Lord, help me to be complete, authentic, and loving as I complete this task!
Love & Kindness - Lord, enable me to love my father where he is at - to display that love in a very clear and tangible way. Keep me from being rude or put-off by him. He truly is desperate for someone to hear him and regard him with love and kindness. During this period that I am not working and have more free time to spend with him, help me to build a stronger relationship and friendship with him, and let your love and kindness flow through me to him.
Peace - Lord, you have impressed Kay upon my heart as someone who is in desperate need of true peace in his life that is separate from his work, his responsibilities, his recreation - himself. I'm not really sure how I can help him to experience that peace other than to remember him in prayer - regularly - concerning this need...to declare over his life your peace that surpasses human understanding and to request that it flow through his life in a transformative way, so transformative that it leads him back (or maybe for the first time) to a truly abiding relationship with you, a thriving relationship that reflects a life of repentance and a commitment to pursuing holiness in all areas.
Goodness & Joy - Lord, please show me a tangible way to return to Zarida the goodness she has extended to me and Jonathan. My mind draws a blank, but I know that you know a way that will truly bless her and bring her great joy.
Faithfulness - Lord, Lolita needs to experience in a fresh and real way just how faithful you are - have been - and will be in her life! Lord, may giving her the book "Your Best Life Now" open her eyes to the myriad of ways in which she can depend on you and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that IN YOU she has all that she needs to accomplish EVERYTHING You are calling her to accomplish. You are mighty God and You know her and all her abilities - her strengths and her weaknesses. You love her just the way she is and can use her RIGHT now. Help her to truly rest in Your faithfulness and to let Your power flow through her life. Give her a deep understanding that she IS CREATED IN YOUR IMAGE and there is INTRINSIC VALUE in that alone!
Gentleness - Lord, give me the ability to treat my mother with gentleness, even when she is sarcastic and sometimes negative in her comments and actions. Keep me from retorting in anger and harshness - to not be short with her. Give me the ability to be slow of speech - to THINK - before I reply and when I reply, if I reply, to do so in a gentle and sweet manner.
Patience & Self-Control - Lord, help me to exercise these fruits in my daily care and feeding of Jonathan. I tend to fly off the handle, due to my controlling and manipulative traits, and end up being so much more harsh with him when he does something I don't want him to do, or doesn't follow instructions I give him EXACTLY the way I want him to. Equip me to be loving and kind to him when I correct him. Help me to discipline him in the loving way that you discipline me.
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