This was part of one of my devotions today:
It is so easy to lose perspective. How effortless it can be to place our emphasis on actions! We can feel that our success in the Kingdom of God is based on the deeds we’ve done. Sometimes we even feel guilty and inadequate if we haven’t received attention.Yes, God wants us to be kind and compassionate, to demonstrate His power and participate in ministry, to receive His blessing. But we must never lose sight of this fact: God first wants our personal, intimate fellowship. He wants us to walk with Him, not just once in a while, but every day.
It really touched me. I read it in the wake of some powerful teaching out of a Merlin Carothers book - Power in Praise - that I read last night. That teaching spoke also about being liberated from "works" or specific actions to gain merit in our Father's eyes. It's something that I continuously wrestle with -- it's the main reason why I started this blog: to be a regular place to relate my struggles with walking in the Grace and Mercy of God vs my striving to please Him through my own efforts.
Merlin spoke about how those of us who have received Christ AND asked for the in-filling of the Holy Spirit (to be saturated by the Spirit so that our lives are fully and completely surrendered to Jesus Christ - to do His will as He directs) should live in faith that we indeed HAVE this eternal salvation, this infilling, this eternal forgiveness, this eternal power through the Holy Sprit, this eternal authority in the name of Jesus, this eternal love - we have everything we need in Christ.
He encouraged praying in tongues, i.e., our personal prayer language, reiterating some former teaching I've received about how when we pray this way, the Holy Spriti is able to communicate directly to the Father things we could never utter on our own -- things not in our conscience minds, but deep in our subconscience. Also, we're able to intercede for others about things that we're not even aware of. In a nutshell, so much healing can take place in the life of an individual who exercises his/her prayer language, as well as in the lives of those near and dear to them.
There are so many people around me in need of prayer and I've been struggling to stay on track with those prayers or, when I remember, to know what to pray. So, I'm endeavoring to be consistent with my praying in tongues. To start the day and end the day in this manner. I expect to see some drastic and amazing changes taking place - in my work, my family, in the lives of my co-workers and friends, in my spirit and mind. I believe strongly that my neglecting to do so is the reason why I've been feeling so powerless and confused and discouraged lately.
Oh, Holy Spirit, how much I need for You to interecede for me and others with moanings and groanings only you can express!
Please have Your way - have Your way!!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Jonathan is 8 months old!! And he celebrated his first ever Halloween on October 31, 2011. Our wonderful friends in Tucson, Yoan, Jen and Sophie, were too sweet and sent Jonathan Sophie's first Halloween costume: Tigger from Winne the Pooh! We didn't go trick-or-treating. But we went out our usual evening stroll and watched the other trick-or-treaters in their costumes (or not -- that sorta irritates me that a lot of kids go out without any costumes and expect candy!). We also, as you can tell, took loads of pics on this special occassion:-).Oh, Jonathan, you look so scrumptious. You are still so incredibly wonderful, so incredibly happy, so incredibly smart, so incredibily energetic, so incredibly unique, so incredibly YOU! I praise God in my heart continuously for you. I want to shout it out every day -- YOU'RE the GREATEST! You've made my mediocre life great and I'm so grateful for God that He deemed me worthy to take care of you.
So, I have your images and a few comments about you in this personal blog that might at some point get aired out in public, public...maybe not. Anyway, I believe you really need your OWN blog. Something that reflects your sanguine nature and not your mom's melacholy/choleric nature:-/. So, mommy has a goal of starting a new blog just for you maybe for your 9 month milestone -- that would be equivalent to the 9 months you were in my belly and I think that would be quite appropo.
So, keep a look out for it Jon Asher (only I can call u that!). And let's pray that mommy is able to keep it up for the next 18 years -- Lord, bless me to keep it up for at least the next 18 years!
So here I am
A decision was finally made regarding me and my baby's dad. All the wrestling in my soul and heart over our situation - the pulling in me to stay in it -- the sense that there was a purpose in us continuing to be "together" in a "not so much what I had always envisioned for myself in a relationship with the father of my child" dealio. It all finally came to a head in mid-July. I knew that I had to either continue moving forward as we were - with no promise that we would ever truly be together in the legal, covenant sense of the word - and me essentially being in an adultrous relationship, since he was not moving toward divorce - and me knowing in my heart that to ask for or pray for divorce was not a pleasing petition to the Father (I couldn't get those words out of my mouth or even in a groaning prayer in my heart) - OR - I simply close the door on our conjugal tie and leave it at a co-parent relationship only. Cordial. Friendly. With hopes that my longing for him would dissipate over time.
The Lord worked it out for me.
It took about 21 days, but at the end, I was disentangled. I knew I would eventually be able to turn aside from what I was hoping to be, but likely never could.
One of my previous blog entries mentioned how someone's life was a stake in this whole situation. That was true. My life. I wish I could say that I had never slept with him again after our single daliance on 5/29/2010, which conceived our beautiful son. I still can't figure out why I didn't say no, withstand his advances when I was just 4-weeks post-partum. Why after heading to the emergency room later that evening because of sudden chills and a 103 degree temperature, clearly brought on by my body being shocked by that brief act (it was too painful and gory to finish -- sorry for being so graphic) - why did I still sleep with him again and again, each time intensely painful, each time my heart breaking open and spilling out around me because, though I felt a need to be entangled, I could sense that the entangling would eventually tie me up and and cast me into a sea of remorse and regret.
Indeed, that's where I ended up after the 21 days and still have to work on when those self-condemnation feelings come up -- the "Kim, why were you so foolish...what were you thinking??!" thoughts try to take over.
I'm not sure his professions of love were sincere. And I don't know if what I was feeling was love or just that crazy hormonol longing in the wake of having a child and really needing to be in a family way. I suppose I took our sleeping together to mean so much more. Now, in hindsight, I see what it essentially was: screwing. There was no love making there. It's impossible when the Holy Spirit who dwells within you is partaking in something that grieves Him so badly, when our Father can't enter in and be there in the midst as we connect, when our Saviour has to bow His head in intercession for us, as we ignore His very presence and the large sum that He paid for our bodies -- for we are not our own, we were brought with a price.
So I am here -- repented, forgiven, casting down all imaginations, and endeavoring to keep myself from self-condemnation, for there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus our Lord. A truth that I must live and believe.
I continue to pray for Jonathan's dad. I continue to thank the Lord that he is the father of my son, for he is a good man, and a caring man, in his own way, and a generous man. The Lord blessed Jonathan with a Godly heritage on both sides, a dad who is hard-working and responsible. I know that the Spirit of Truth that rose up in me and continues to sustain me in the wake of my decision - especially when old pangs of longing rear their messy heads - is also rising up in Jonathan's dad. That either he will take steps to reconcile with his ex and ressurrect their marriage, or they will go their separate ways, cordially, so that each can begin anew.
For me, my desire remains for family. For Jonathan and I to be knit with a man who I am suited to, who I can support and encourage, and who the Lord deems me to be his corresponding part- a man who loves the Lord and will live with me in understanding and love and care for Jonathan as if he is his very own. And yes, a man who will encourage and support my longing to take care of home & family as my primary occupation.
I'll continue to believe that by some miraculous move by God that this man will walk into my life and Jonathan and I into his - and very soon. That not by any works or good deeds or good behavior or perfect decision-making on my part, but simply by the Lord's mercy and grace extended to me and Jonathan. For that ENSURES that He gets all the glory, all the thanksgiving, and all the praise!
Belief takes a person far. "It's your faith..."as Jesus said so eloquently, so consistently, so frequently.
It's my faith...
The Lord worked it out for me.
It took about 21 days, but at the end, I was disentangled. I knew I would eventually be able to turn aside from what I was hoping to be, but likely never could.
One of my previous blog entries mentioned how someone's life was a stake in this whole situation. That was true. My life. I wish I could say that I had never slept with him again after our single daliance on 5/29/2010, which conceived our beautiful son. I still can't figure out why I didn't say no, withstand his advances when I was just 4-weeks post-partum. Why after heading to the emergency room later that evening because of sudden chills and a 103 degree temperature, clearly brought on by my body being shocked by that brief act (it was too painful and gory to finish -- sorry for being so graphic) - why did I still sleep with him again and again, each time intensely painful, each time my heart breaking open and spilling out around me because, though I felt a need to be entangled, I could sense that the entangling would eventually tie me up and and cast me into a sea of remorse and regret.
Indeed, that's where I ended up after the 21 days and still have to work on when those self-condemnation feelings come up -- the "Kim, why were you so foolish...what were you thinking??!" thoughts try to take over.
I'm not sure his professions of love were sincere. And I don't know if what I was feeling was love or just that crazy hormonol longing in the wake of having a child and really needing to be in a family way. I suppose I took our sleeping together to mean so much more. Now, in hindsight, I see what it essentially was: screwing. There was no love making there. It's impossible when the Holy Spirit who dwells within you is partaking in something that grieves Him so badly, when our Father can't enter in and be there in the midst as we connect, when our Saviour has to bow His head in intercession for us, as we ignore His very presence and the large sum that He paid for our bodies -- for we are not our own, we were brought with a price.
So I am here -- repented, forgiven, casting down all imaginations, and endeavoring to keep myself from self-condemnation, for there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus our Lord. A truth that I must live and believe.
I continue to pray for Jonathan's dad. I continue to thank the Lord that he is the father of my son, for he is a good man, and a caring man, in his own way, and a generous man. The Lord blessed Jonathan with a Godly heritage on both sides, a dad who is hard-working and responsible. I know that the Spirit of Truth that rose up in me and continues to sustain me in the wake of my decision - especially when old pangs of longing rear their messy heads - is also rising up in Jonathan's dad. That either he will take steps to reconcile with his ex and ressurrect their marriage, or they will go their separate ways, cordially, so that each can begin anew.
For me, my desire remains for family. For Jonathan and I to be knit with a man who I am suited to, who I can support and encourage, and who the Lord deems me to be his corresponding part- a man who loves the Lord and will live with me in understanding and love and care for Jonathan as if he is his very own. And yes, a man who will encourage and support my longing to take care of home & family as my primary occupation.
I'll continue to believe that by some miraculous move by God that this man will walk into my life and Jonathan and I into his - and very soon. That not by any works or good deeds or good behavior or perfect decision-making on my part, but simply by the Lord's mercy and grace extended to me and Jonathan. For that ENSURES that He gets all the glory, all the thanksgiving, and all the praise!
Belief takes a person far. "It's your faith..."as Jesus said so eloquently, so consistently, so frequently.
It's my faith...
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know...
Something uncanny happened today. Well, maybe it's not uncanny -- maybe it's just a God thing.
My old pastor and friend, Pastor Kelvin Wilson, sent me some cute antidotes that originated from children. One of them really struck me:
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick
was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was
so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd,
and that's all I need to know."
That last line might be the best sermon I've ever heard:
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
I've been wrestling, wrestling with vocation questions - wondering if I should leave IBM and just seek God for the next thing. To do so would mean living a very spartan existence for a few months, with hopes that I'd secure whatever that "next thing" is before my money ran out. I'd have enough to live on for about 8 months. My hope is that it would only take about 6 months. However, that means 6 months with no health benefits for me and Jonathan. More important, 6 months of NO HEALTH BENEFITS FOR JONATHAN. So, I take pause and wonder if what I'm sensing in my spirit is truly the right thing to do. Leave? Leave good pay, great colleagues, and health benefits for some great unknown?? Can't I be led into that "next thing" AND work at the same time??
No.
My spirit keeps telling me no, no you can't. Trust God to take care of you and Jonathan. Trust Him to be the Shepherd of your lives.
So, all these thoughts have been rolling around and around inside me these past few weeks, and while residing in this frame of reference, I get this little sermon, out of the mouth of a babe. And then, just to make sure I get the point, I also, on the same day, receive a devotion that goes into nitty gritty detail about the work of Shepherds and how sheep respond to their leadership. These lines in particular struck me:
I began to understand the incredible truth that Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd, has planned my very existence, prepared a plan in response to His love for me, and even made provision for the payment of my past, present and future sin. I am wanted, chosen and marked for God. I no longer have to live life on my own because I have a Shepherd. God's love precedes me, goes before me and surrounds me as I live each day. Knowing we are loved fosters peace in our hearts, and when our hearts are filled with peace, there is little room for stress.
Actually, when you think about it, sheep don't come across as stressed-out creatures. In fact, they seem almost oblivious to danger. Sheep don't seem to worry about where their next meal is coming from, if they will have a place to sleep each night, when the next enemy or thief will attack, or even what the next day holds. When sheep are sick or in need, they simply turn to their Shepherd, instinctively knowing He will take care of them and comfort them until healing comes.
We need to remember and often revisit the fact that we are all sheep and that Jesus Christ really is our Shepherd and nothing else really matters.
(Mary Southerland - "Girlfriends in God - October 6, 2011)
I was moved to re-read Psalm 23 (I really should have it memorized). Here are the verses in the New King James translation:
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD
Forever.
The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know...
Jesus Christ really is our Shepherd and nothing else really matters...
Uncanny, uncanny, uncanny.
So, God, so God, so God...
He's speaking to me. And I believe that He's speaking to my present circumstances. He knows what's spinning in my head and heart. He knows how I've been pleading with him for direction and guidance. I have to understand that He is my Shepherd. He wants to lead and protect and care for me like a good Shepherd does for all of His sheep:
Sheep don't seem to worry about where their next meal is coming from, if they will have a place to sleep each night, when the next enemy or thief will attack, or even what the next day holds.
Why worry when you have complete trust in your Master?
He wants me to trust Him to be the faithful God that I proclaim Him to be. He wants me to step out in my most Holy Faith and believe that He is and can take care of us. That what appears crazy to some (even myself) makes perfectly good sense to Him.
Lord, teach me, enable me, to trust you more. I need to trust you more...
My old pastor and friend, Pastor Kelvin Wilson, sent me some cute antidotes that originated from children. One of them really struck me:
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick
was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was
so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd,
and that's all I need to know."
That last line might be the best sermon I've ever heard:
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
I've been wrestling, wrestling with vocation questions - wondering if I should leave IBM and just seek God for the next thing. To do so would mean living a very spartan existence for a few months, with hopes that I'd secure whatever that "next thing" is before my money ran out. I'd have enough to live on for about 8 months. My hope is that it would only take about 6 months. However, that means 6 months with no health benefits for me and Jonathan. More important, 6 months of NO HEALTH BENEFITS FOR JONATHAN. So, I take pause and wonder if what I'm sensing in my spirit is truly the right thing to do. Leave? Leave good pay, great colleagues, and health benefits for some great unknown?? Can't I be led into that "next thing" AND work at the same time??
No.
My spirit keeps telling me no, no you can't. Trust God to take care of you and Jonathan. Trust Him to be the Shepherd of your lives.
So, all these thoughts have been rolling around and around inside me these past few weeks, and while residing in this frame of reference, I get this little sermon, out of the mouth of a babe. And then, just to make sure I get the point, I also, on the same day, receive a devotion that goes into nitty gritty detail about the work of Shepherds and how sheep respond to their leadership. These lines in particular struck me:
I began to understand the incredible truth that Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd, has planned my very existence, prepared a plan in response to His love for me, and even made provision for the payment of my past, present and future sin. I am wanted, chosen and marked for God. I no longer have to live life on my own because I have a Shepherd. God's love precedes me, goes before me and surrounds me as I live each day. Knowing we are loved fosters peace in our hearts, and when our hearts are filled with peace, there is little room for stress.
Actually, when you think about it, sheep don't come across as stressed-out creatures. In fact, they seem almost oblivious to danger. Sheep don't seem to worry about where their next meal is coming from, if they will have a place to sleep each night, when the next enemy or thief will attack, or even what the next day holds. When sheep are sick or in need, they simply turn to their Shepherd, instinctively knowing He will take care of them and comfort them until healing comes.
We need to remember and often revisit the fact that we are all sheep and that Jesus Christ really is our Shepherd and nothing else really matters.
(Mary Southerland - "Girlfriends in God - October 6, 2011)
I was moved to re-read Psalm 23 (I really should have it memorized). Here are the verses in the New King James translation:
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD
Forever.
The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know...
Jesus Christ really is our Shepherd and nothing else really matters...
Uncanny, uncanny, uncanny.
So, God, so God, so God...
He's speaking to me. And I believe that He's speaking to my present circumstances. He knows what's spinning in my head and heart. He knows how I've been pleading with him for direction and guidance. I have to understand that He is my Shepherd. He wants to lead and protect and care for me like a good Shepherd does for all of His sheep:
Sheep don't seem to worry about where their next meal is coming from, if they will have a place to sleep each night, when the next enemy or thief will attack, or even what the next day holds.
Why worry when you have complete trust in your Master?
He wants me to trust Him to be the faithful God that I proclaim Him to be. He wants me to step out in my most Holy Faith and believe that He is and can take care of us. That what appears crazy to some (even myself) makes perfectly good sense to Him.
Lord, teach me, enable me, to trust you more. I need to trust you more...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
New Beginnings
So, this was the title of one of my devotions today. It's message was based on the fact that today, on the Jewish Calendar, is the first day of the annual Rosh Hoshanna holiday. Here's some info about this Holy celebration:
Today at sundown begins the annual celebration of Rosh Hashanah, the start of the Jewish year. This inaugurates a ten-day period that ends on the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur. This is not a man-made “holiday,” but one of God’s “holy days.” He designed it, instituted it, and commanded it.
This day was to be different. God directed that His people were to cease their normal activities. Instead, they were to think about their lives. This was so important that no one was to work. No one was exempt. And each person was to make a special offering. (Inspiration Ministries Devotional 9.28.11)
The devotion had some great questions to ponder. I thought I'd walk through them here.
I enjoy giving people things of a monetary nature. That is my spiritual gift. However, I'm able to do that cause I'm currently in a well-paying job. I have a friend who freely gives of herself and her time. Right now, because she is unemployeed, she can't really give much monetarily. I don't do that as readily - giving away myself and my time (neither of which is really mine). Who's more of the Godly giver? I would say my friend. I don't know.
I know the comparison thing is so not healthy, so I need to stop it.
Lord - I just need to know what truly excites me. That thing or something related to that thing is what I should be doing - what you've created me to do. What is it?
My new beginning starts once I know what that thing is...
Today at sundown begins the annual celebration of Rosh Hashanah, the start of the Jewish year. This inaugurates a ten-day period that ends on the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur. This is not a man-made “holiday,” but one of God’s “holy days.” He designed it, instituted it, and commanded it.
This day was to be different. God directed that His people were to cease their normal activities. Instead, they were to think about their lives. This was so important that no one was to work. No one was exempt. And each person was to make a special offering. (Inspiration Ministries Devotional 9.28.11)
The devotion had some great questions to ponder. I thought I'd walk through them here.
- What are my priorities? Jonathan, a closer walk with Christ - more surrendered & hearing Him more - more willing to obey and have Him lead and direct my life - a more satisfying work life
- What habits have I allowed to form? Sleeping in too late in the mornings - procastinating on work tasks - no focus when I try to do a task.
- Have I become polluted by compromise? Yes -- for about 5 months significantly through sexual relations with Kay -- still to a degree with my continued communications with him.
- How committed am I to serving God? Not enough - it's growing, but I need more, I crave more - I just am not doing enough work to make it happen.
- Am I eager to have a deeper walk with Him? Yes
- What do I want to change from last year? Less fear and angst and anxiety about everything - baby, relationships, work, my walk with Christ
- What do I want to make better? My work life - my vocation - my mothering of Jonathan - my empathy and care towards others - anticipating needs and meeting them
- What blessings do I want to draw for myself and my family in the next year? Financial blessings of God's provision if I leave IBM or if I stay - that Jonathan be emotionally and mentally prepared for daycare/ school in September.
Well, I suppose that helped a bit. Not much, though.
My friend Lolita came for a visit today. She suggested that I take a day for myself, maybe a future Saturday, from after getting Jonathan up and ready for the day till about right before his nighttime ritual - about 10 or so hours...take a long drive, maybe go to a spot where I can really hear from the Lord -- I need that so bad. The last time I had it with any significance was my drive across the southwest, December 2008. So many changes came out of that drive: leaving the church I attended and spending 2 months with just the Lord on Sundays - true Sabbath rests. Deciding to move back to NJ and then deciding to move back into my parent's home and doing the renovations. Putting my beloved home on the market for sale. Ending up at Grace Church.
Right now what I want to hear the most is about what the heck I should be doing with my life. Continuing to spin my wheels at IBM? Teaching? Something else.
I enjoy giving people things of a monetary nature. That is my spiritual gift. However, I'm able to do that cause I'm currently in a well-paying job. I have a friend who freely gives of herself and her time. Right now, because she is unemployeed, she can't really give much monetarily. I don't do that as readily - giving away myself and my time (neither of which is really mine). Who's more of the Godly giver? I would say my friend. I don't know.
I know the comparison thing is so not healthy, so I need to stop it.
Lord - I just need to know what truly excites me. That thing or something related to that thing is what I should be doing - what you've created me to do. What is it?
My new beginning starts once I know what that thing is...
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Walking by 7 months maybe??
Well, my little man has been climbing and standing on us and anything else he can climb and stand on since about 11 weeks. In fact, I have a video of him trying to climb over the couch arm at 11 weeks (I need to upload my videos, btw). Anyway, he's now, at almost 6 months, discovered the joy of standing up against things - the back of the couch, his playpen walls, etc.. Here are some pics of him standing next to his chair that he HATES sitting in. However, he has a lot of fun standing next to it to chew on the straps - go figure. I suppose his lil fro makes him look a tad bit top-heavy - LOL! As of 8/15/11, he is 27.5 inches and 17.8 lbs. *Sigh* - my smoogum woogums is getting big...
...
Jonathan's First Two Too-Fusses!
Just an assortment of pics of my sweetie and his first two teeth! He was a real champ the whole time they worked their way to the surface...pretty much self-soothed himself with a lot of chewing on things and slobbering. We never suffered through a sleepless night (homeboy is a champion sleeper - 10 -12 hour stretches since about week 10 - PRAISE Jesus!!) And then, on Monday morning, 8/8/11, the teeth that had been hinting at their arrival, just popped out (with a lil blood that scared me for a second until I realized it was from the teeth). So, here are the shots for your (mainly my:->) enjoyment!
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