Scripture Reading for Phase 1: Esther and Proverbs (read a chapter a day)
So, I mentioned in this post that I plan to complete The Esther Project in the second half of 2013. I started Phase 1, Mastering the Fundamentals, on Monday, July 1. Did some nice de-cluttering and didn't have to do much for week 1's step of "Pamper your sleep" cause my bedroom is already what I want it to be - simply ideal:-). So, I'm doing my scriptural reading for the month (a chapter of Proverbs each day) and skipped a week into Week 3's "Pamper your skin" routine by using my Arbonne RE9 skin care products, which are INCREDIBLE. As part of my new consultant gig, I'll need to set up a monthly automatic delivery of Arbonne products that total at least $150. That will be pretty easy - only half of the RE9 stuff I want will make that number:-/. However, I expect to eventually be able to order all that I want of Arbonne without any hesitation, on a monthly basis, because of how the Lord will bless me in this new work, blessing me to be a blessing, so that He is TREMENDOUSLY GLORIFIED through the work He is doing in and through me. I am excited and full of great expectation. The 2nd week of Phase 1 will be Pamper your teeth and the last week is "Back to basics", which is simply making sure I have a set routine to handle all this self-care stuff (skin, hair, sleep, etc.).
I'm enjoying Proverbs. "The principle thing is wisdom. So get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding." Deep - and so necessary for me to hear...wisdom speaking...understanding needing.
Though I hear a lot and I've lived a lot, in all that hearing and living, I've received gags of wisdom, gags of knowledge, but only a smidgen of understanding. Thus, my life has repeated many of the same foibles over and over again, to my shame and regret. I'm 46 years old, but feel stunted mentally in the late teens/early 20's era of thinking. It's no coincidence that I had a child so late in age and under the circumstances that I did. The lack of understanding of myself and the ways of the world and men enabled me to be in a position to sleep with a man I should not have and to simply sleep with a man before marriage - but it also was such that mentally I was not truly ready for the Lord to open the door to use me in the role of mother until I was almost 44. I guess by then I had at least a modicum of understanding that He could leverage to ensure I do indeed raise this boy in the admonition of the Lord. However, so much much much more understanding do I need.
In all your getting, get understanding.
The word is clear in James about how easy it is to get wisdom. Ask for it. And ask without doubting. God will respond and give it! Without reproach. No need to feel ashamed to ask for wisdom. It is His great desire to grant us all that we need and more. I just need to receive it with open arms and not doubt that He IS delivering it. And yet - Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - grant me more understanding so that I can apply this wisdom rightly.
I'm gonna need it so very much in the coming years, God willing - for my parents, and especially for Jonathan...for this new business-owner career that I'm walking into - the mighty Angels of the Lord protecting me on all sides - God's grace and mercy covering me - His favor going before me. I need wisdom and understanding to navigate and negotiate all that is before me. I need it because I believe it's having a deep abiding wisdom in the things of God and trusting that understanding of who He is in this world and in my life that will enable me to take my hands off my life - to feel safe enough in His care and provision to not try to do all that needs to be done in my own flesh and limited power and ability. I can't. I can only do all things in Christ Jesus my Lord. I can do nothing without him. Lack of wisdom - lack of understanding of this truth has caused me so many missteps, so much stress and anxiety, regret and angst. I so want to be done with that way of living.
Wisdom and understanding also ushers in peace and removes fear:
21 My son, let them not depart from your eyes—
Keep sound wisdom and discretion;
22 So they will be life to your soul
And grace to your neck.
23 Then you will walk safely in your way,
And your foot will not stumble.
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.
25 Do not be afraid of sudden terror,
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;
26 For the Lord will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.
And if there is one thing that I need in my life, it is peace and the absence of the kind of fear and terror which has traveled throughout most of my life, but especially over the last 8 years or so. I want to be free.
It is Your word and Your presence - it is seeking You above all things - that will set me free.
And finally anger and impatience. This stuff that riles up in me and causes me to sound like my mother when I was growing up. I don't want that for Jonathan. Lord PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me in this weakness. I find myself sighing all the time, rolling my eyes, irritated. Why? He's just being 2. Now, yes, Jonathan is a bit more rambunctious and hyper - he has some attention issues -- he is a handful, as Barbara, his speech therapist puts it - so, in general, I'm not totally loosing my mind with him unnecessarily - but I've got to be more loving in my correction, more gentle. Yet, I can't Lord. Not in my own power can I. I have the old scripts that start running like automatic. I hate it and I know You do, too. So, I repent and hand that gunk over to You, believing that through the awesome power of the Holy Spirit-man in me, You are gonna change me. And what I'm really grateful for now is that you've placed this special something in Jonathan - as sensitive as he is - where my groans and "What are you doing, Jonathan?!"'s and my "What is wrong with you, Jonathan?!"'s, and three stooges slaps against his head (yup - Lord please forgive me) have somehow rolled off his back. He's 2 - stuff like that usually does roll off 2 year old backs. They don't have the capacity to store much of their parent's craziness in their memory banks when they're that age. There's not much of anything I remember before say age 4. So, with that said, I suppose that the Lord has 2 years to get me in shape so that I can rebuke and correct this boy without having a conniption fit - AND I can know when correction is truly necessary - not just fly off my anal-retentive handle whenever it feels warranted to do so.
God I truly need HELP!
Okay - I guess I had to get that out - again (I posted about this issue with Jonathan in the past). Nonetheless, I'll keep posting till I'm right for Jonathan in the way the Lord needs me to be -
for Jonathan is, without question, the greatest gift I have ever received short of salvation in Christ.
So, this is my phase 1, Esther Project Entry. I might come back again later in the month, but if not, I'll post again for Esther in the 2nd phase that starts in August: Living on Purpose.
Oh, one last thing. I'm supposed to answer two questions about the book of Esther:
What inspires you about Esther's story and which of her qualities do I possess or desire?
Her courage in a time of crisis and her poise. There was a calm, thoughtfulness about her actions in the wake of Hamman's decree and the request that Mordecai made of her. I love that. I've longed to be able to carry myself in that same way - to step out boldly, knowing God is on my side - to do what appears to be the impossible - and to take those steps in a way that's graceful, poised, and steady. She was so methodical, yet gentle in her approach with the King. How I want that in my interactions with those already in my life and with whom i will meet. I actually see this in Christine's life. Thank you for placing Christine in my life as a real life example of what I long to become - just the Kim-unique version of poise and self-contained control. Lord, help me to get there through You, Your word, The Esther Project and Arbonne - through Your mighty working power operating in me and in the circumstances and people around me.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Plans, plans, plans
In essence, I believe the Lord is using Arbonne to deliver me from a fear-based lifestyle that I've been living most of my adult life. My father's illness has shown me how much I am constrained by my fear of people, as I'm having to advocate for him and be more confrontational with others, which I hate. I need to be delivered of this, for my parents and especially for Jonathan; a cowering mom he does not deserve. I need to be delivered of this for ME.
I see Arbonne as the vehicle to empower and set me free. And I'm hoping others that I know (and don't know yet) will catch the vision, and find a way to be transformed and empowered by an entrepreneurial spirit in a company that's all about uplifting both women and men to serve others and to help them make their dreams come true.
If someone were to ask me what I do for a living: "I own a business that allows me to help people become liberated and empowered to accomplish their every hope and dream - and to pass this same gift on to others."
My 15-year and beyond plan (till age 60 and life as a full-time writer and ministry philanthropist - all God-willing!)
- End of 3rd quarter 2013: District
- End of 4th quarter 2013: Area
- End of 4th quarter 2013: Complete Esther Project
- End of 1st quarter 2014: Regional
- Driving our Mercedes as my birthday gift in May 2014
- End of 4th quarter 2014: Executive Regional
- Establish the Jakin Sanctuary Foundation (goal of 1 Million Dollar Endowment by 2027)
- End of 2nd quarter 2015: National
- End of 2nd quarter 2015: National
- 2015 Goal: July - October in Paris with Jonathan
- 2016 Goal: A lovely home for Jonathan and I and hopefully my husband and our child to be (before age 49)
- 2016 Goal: Jonathan enrolled in the best primary school for him
- 2017 Goal: 50! Running the Paris Marathon in April of 2017 & 50th Birthday Celebration
- 2020 Goal: Purchase retreat center and start blessing folks with it
- 2022 Goal: 2nd Child enrolled in the best primary school for him
- 2022 Goal: Run the NYC Marathon
- 2027 Goal: Begin life as a full-time writer and ministry philanthropist
- 2029 Goal: Send Jonathan to College (or off to whatever the Lord leads him - paid in full)
- 2034 Goal: Send 2nd child to College (or to whatever the Lord leads him - paid in full)
- 2035 Goal and beyond (and really, starting now):
Giving, Serving, Living, Loving, Writing, Caring, Teaching until the good Lord brings me to Himself
Monday, July 1, 2013
My sweet silly Jonathan
The love of my life is getting so big!! 28 months old. He had a great time in his tot's class at Community Christian Academy and Preschool. And now we're about to have a summer of fun together. He is awesome, awesome, Jonathan! Today he started swim classes and did great. He finally graduate from the Tummy Tub about a month ago and he so enjoys baths - just lays back and rolls around - I decided that homeboy is ready to learn how to backstroke. So many of our young Black children don't know how to swim. It's imperative that Jonathan learns and learns well.
Anyway, I just wanted to post a cute video of my sweetums. Gosh I love this little boy. He is the mostest evah!
Anyway, I just wanted to post a cute video of my sweetums. Gosh I love this little boy. He is the mostest evah!
What a spring! What an early summer!
Well, I turned 46 on May 15th. Four more years till the big 5-0. Four more years for the Lord to get me in step with who I am in Him and who He is in me. However, I'm utterly amazed at how circumstances have turned so that this work He needs to do gets done. Utterly amazed. And the circumstances did not arise solely for me. They arose, I believe, for my whole family - for all who observe and know my family - and ultimately - for His glory.
So, the day before my birthday, May 14th, my father had a freakish, 6 AM fall out of the bed. He was struggling to wake up and in his fitful sleep he fell. He fell and his full of arthritis body, particularly in the neck area, did not conform too well to the fall. He suffered an injury to the cervical area of his spine. Some vertebrae compressed the spinal area and he ended up having surgery to alleviate the compression and then spent 3 weeks in ICU and is now at an acute rehab facility in West Orange, NJ: Kessler Rehabilitation Institute (Christopher Reeve and Luther Vandross were treated there). Currently, he cannot walk. Can't feed himself. Can't really use his arms. Has minimal movement in his hands. Praise God - he is alive. Praise God - there's been vast improvements already since the initial injury. Praise God- He is moving in my father's life and in our family's life as a result of this incident. It had to happen, I believe, for God to heal what really needs to be healed in our family. My dad's injury is a metaphor for all that's immobile, fixed, and needs to be moved in our lives:
Resentment
Anger
Contempt
Fear
Anxiety
Fear
Selfishness
Self-Centeredness
Unforgiveness
Loneliness
Fear
Fear
And more Fear...
God is moving. He is moving. He is delivering. He is changing. He is moving.
My simple prayer is that my dad walks out of Kessler. I believe he will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that my mom with be delivered of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, anger. I believe she will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that I will be delivered of fear, self-centerdness, selfishness. I believe I will. God is moving.
God is moving.
In His ever mysterious ways.
For instance, last weekend I attended a Woman's Tea. Zarida, a good, Christ-Centered friend, one of the organizers, invited me and my mom as her personal guests. Living on a savings budget me LOVED that. So we went. We enjoyed it - IMMENSELY. We learned a lot. The Esther Project is all about empowering women through a 6-month plan, similar to the preparation Esther experienced before she met the King (open your Bible and read the story of Esther in the Old Testament; great read!).
Early months concentrate on improving you - your skin, your environment, your thoughts, prayer life, etc.. Other months are about extending yourself to others. It's a great program. Seeing that July 1 was a Monday and this is the start to the second half of the year - exactly 6 months - I decided to start the program today. I did a purge of gunk in my living space, finishing tomorrow with further stripping of an already stripped closet. Fortunately, the Lord moved me to do a lot of improvements right after I left IBM, earlier in the year, so this recent purging wasn't a hardship. And I love living anal-neat, so that also made it easy. However, oh how liberating it is to have stuff in even tighter, ship-shop shape. Thank you Esther Project.
Also, last week, Christine Johnson and I met for lovely convo and lunch in NYC. A great day and a great convo. I knew that Christine sold Arbonne. I thought when she reached out to me on LinkedIN to meet for lunch to "catch up" that she might ask me about joining Arbonne as a consultant. Hey, clearly she could see from my profile that I'm currently not working. I think there was something in me that wanted her to extend the offer. Some kind of readiness to receive such an offer.
Holy Spirit?
In the wake of our meeting, I've been researching everything I can about Network Marketing. I sent her hard questions. She provided great answers. We're meeting again tomorrow. I'm gonna drive 90+ minutes to do so. I'm afraid to really, truly do this, but there's no dread. I'm experiencing more of a healthy, this is gonna stretch you to the hilt fear...this is gonna make you step out of your comfort zone fear...this might actually make you do stuff you said you would never, could never do. Why? God wants to do it through you. He wants to show up in power in this thing. Are you gonna let him do it?
I'm not sure -- though, I guess I'm leaning toward...yeah.
So, what's the main thing I'm afraid of? Prospecting. Building my network and doing the actual presentations. Going into people's homes or where ever I might have to go to do the presentations. Having to get people to consider consulting for Arbonne. All the start-up work involved. All the work involved with maintaining and sustaining a team
And yet, I see possibilities for a more authentic and actualized life. I see Jakin Sanctuary Foundation and Retreat Center finally coming to be. I see a season living in Paris with Jonathan and being able to send him to the best school for him in NYC during his primary years. I see God Almighty showing up for me big time to do in me and through me what I could never achieve on my own - similar to IBM, but this time using a platform that makes a hell of a lot more sense to me - supporting a product that makes more sense and where I can tangibly understand it's benefits to our customers - and can articulate those benefits. I could never do that in IT. I was always so lost. But, but, but for His grace. And yet again, if I purse Arbonne, but, but, but For His Grace - with icing of clarity on top.
And truth be told - I'm so tired of living afraid, especially of people. I'm having to wrestle a lot with that part of myself dealing with my dad and mother - having to stand up for them in different situations - stuff I'm totally not used to. I hate confrontation of any kind and I get this strong feeling in my spirit that the Lord wants me free of this fear, i.e., of exerting myself a bit more - of reaching out a bit more. It's interesting to me that both Arbonne and The Esther Project came my way in the same week. I see great synergy in the timing and placement of both of them in my life. It's like confirmation of what I've been sensing from the Lord the past month. It's time for me to get out of my shell, while still being me, but a more actualized, authentic and courageous me. He's got things He wants to do through me, but if keep hiding behind my loner self, they're not gonna get done. If not for my Father's accident, I might not have hit the need for this change in such a strong way - but the current situation demands more of ME. Jonathan does too, as I'm raising him alone. A cowering mother he does not deserve.
So, here is my spring/early summer. With all that is crazy, there is an abiding, underlying peace that is sustaining. God is moving. He is in charge. I can trust Him and lean on Him. I shall not be moved. I shall not be dismayed. He's working His mysterious thing in my life, in my family's life. And guess what:
We're all the better for it.
So, the day before my birthday, May 14th, my father had a freakish, 6 AM fall out of the bed. He was struggling to wake up and in his fitful sleep he fell. He fell and his full of arthritis body, particularly in the neck area, did not conform too well to the fall. He suffered an injury to the cervical area of his spine. Some vertebrae compressed the spinal area and he ended up having surgery to alleviate the compression and then spent 3 weeks in ICU and is now at an acute rehab facility in West Orange, NJ: Kessler Rehabilitation Institute (Christopher Reeve and Luther Vandross were treated there). Currently, he cannot walk. Can't feed himself. Can't really use his arms. Has minimal movement in his hands. Praise God - he is alive. Praise God - there's been vast improvements already since the initial injury. Praise God- He is moving in my father's life and in our family's life as a result of this incident. It had to happen, I believe, for God to heal what really needs to be healed in our family. My dad's injury is a metaphor for all that's immobile, fixed, and needs to be moved in our lives:
Resentment
Anger
Contempt
Fear
Anxiety
Fear
Selfishness
Self-Centeredness
Unforgiveness
Loneliness
Fear
Fear
And more Fear...
God is moving. He is moving. He is delivering. He is changing. He is moving.
My simple prayer is that my dad walks out of Kessler. I believe he will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that my mom with be delivered of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, anger. I believe she will. God is moving.
My simple prayer is that I will be delivered of fear, self-centerdness, selfishness. I believe I will. God is moving.
God is moving.
In His ever mysterious ways.
For instance, last weekend I attended a Woman's Tea. Zarida, a good, Christ-Centered friend, one of the organizers, invited me and my mom as her personal guests. Living on a savings budget me LOVED that. So we went. We enjoyed it - IMMENSELY. We learned a lot. The Esther Project is all about empowering women through a 6-month plan, similar to the preparation Esther experienced before she met the King (open your Bible and read the story of Esther in the Old Testament; great read!).
Early months concentrate on improving you - your skin, your environment, your thoughts, prayer life, etc.. Other months are about extending yourself to others. It's a great program. Seeing that July 1 was a Monday and this is the start to the second half of the year - exactly 6 months - I decided to start the program today. I did a purge of gunk in my living space, finishing tomorrow with further stripping of an already stripped closet. Fortunately, the Lord moved me to do a lot of improvements right after I left IBM, earlier in the year, so this recent purging wasn't a hardship. And I love living anal-neat, so that also made it easy. However, oh how liberating it is to have stuff in even tighter, ship-shop shape. Thank you Esther Project.
Also, last week, Christine Johnson and I met for lovely convo and lunch in NYC. A great day and a great convo. I knew that Christine sold Arbonne. I thought when she reached out to me on LinkedIN to meet for lunch to "catch up" that she might ask me about joining Arbonne as a consultant. Hey, clearly she could see from my profile that I'm currently not working. I think there was something in me that wanted her to extend the offer. Some kind of readiness to receive such an offer.
Holy Spirit?
In the wake of our meeting, I've been researching everything I can about Network Marketing. I sent her hard questions. She provided great answers. We're meeting again tomorrow. I'm gonna drive 90+ minutes to do so. I'm afraid to really, truly do this, but there's no dread. I'm experiencing more of a healthy, this is gonna stretch you to the hilt fear...this is gonna make you step out of your comfort zone fear...this might actually make you do stuff you said you would never, could never do. Why? God wants to do it through you. He wants to show up in power in this thing. Are you gonna let him do it?
I'm not sure -- though, I guess I'm leaning toward...yeah.
So, what's the main thing I'm afraid of? Prospecting. Building my network and doing the actual presentations. Going into people's homes or where ever I might have to go to do the presentations. Having to get people to consider consulting for Arbonne. All the start-up work involved. All the work involved with maintaining and sustaining a team
And yet, I see possibilities for a more authentic and actualized life. I see Jakin Sanctuary Foundation and Retreat Center finally coming to be. I see a season living in Paris with Jonathan and being able to send him to the best school for him in NYC during his primary years. I see God Almighty showing up for me big time to do in me and through me what I could never achieve on my own - similar to IBM, but this time using a platform that makes a hell of a lot more sense to me - supporting a product that makes more sense and where I can tangibly understand it's benefits to our customers - and can articulate those benefits. I could never do that in IT. I was always so lost. But, but, but for His grace. And yet again, if I purse Arbonne, but, but, but For His Grace - with icing of clarity on top.
And truth be told - I'm so tired of living afraid, especially of people. I'm having to wrestle a lot with that part of myself dealing with my dad and mother - having to stand up for them in different situations - stuff I'm totally not used to. I hate confrontation of any kind and I get this strong feeling in my spirit that the Lord wants me free of this fear, i.e., of exerting myself a bit more - of reaching out a bit more. It's interesting to me that both Arbonne and The Esther Project came my way in the same week. I see great synergy in the timing and placement of both of them in my life. It's like confirmation of what I've been sensing from the Lord the past month. It's time for me to get out of my shell, while still being me, but a more actualized, authentic and courageous me. He's got things He wants to do through me, but if keep hiding behind my loner self, they're not gonna get done. If not for my Father's accident, I might not have hit the need for this change in such a strong way - but the current situation demands more of ME. Jonathan does too, as I'm raising him alone. A cowering mother he does not deserve.
So, here is my spring/early summer. With all that is crazy, there is an abiding, underlying peace that is sustaining. God is moving. He is in charge. I can trust Him and lean on Him. I shall not be moved. I shall not be dismayed. He's working His mysterious thing in my life, in my family's life. And guess what:
We're all the better for it.
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