My eyes are pouring out right now. I just wrote an amazing blog entry about my sweetums...the love of my life - Jonathan Asher Ivey-Oladeji, who turns 3 months old tomorrow - and it disappeared with no remorse, no sorrow - no good-bye or see yah later. Just poof. Gone.
Stupid computer.
I went on and on about - I really can't remember now. The words were so perfect and it's sorta painful now to try to duplicate what I'd been putting off for so long in this blog cause I wanted to get it just right.
The Lord's grace is perfect - I know that. However, sometimes, i really don't understand why certain things happen, even as benign an act as the loss of what a person considers a "perfect" blog entry.
Maybe I was saying too much about Jonathan. Maybe I need to say the very minimum for all to know who he is. Yet, how do I do that??
Okay, how bout I say at least this: I love him with an inexplicable love and longing that I thought I would never experience in this lifetime. He is indeed the gift of God that was promised to me in his name - Jonathan - a name given to me by the Father himself.
I'm overwhelmed by the privilege to care for him, to pray over his life, to hope for him all the things I've hoped for a child that I might have: that he walk out God's perfect plan for his life, that he hunger and thirst for the things of God and walk intimately with God, that he be an example of Godliness to his generation.
I'm overwhelmed by how the scriptures I've prayed over his life are coming to pass. There was one that I prayed about him being intricately pulled together, like an embroidery, and his features are such a perfect composite of my family and his father's family, that it's hard to tell where the two start and finish. His features morph on a continual basis. The Lord's handiwork, his knitting Jonathan with lovingkindness, was so melodic, so perfect.
I'm overwhelmed that the Lord has taken something that satan attempted to use as a means to condemn me (unwed motherhood) and has turned it into one of the greatest, most astounding blessings of my life - really only second to the gift of salvation that I have through Jesus Christ, my Lord.
Maybe that's still saying too much. Though I don't know if there is too much or too little that I can say about my chuba whuba - my sweetums - my little man - my sweetie.
Today Jonathan laughed. I mean guffaw, tilt his head back, can't breathe laughter. And he did it all in response to my giggle. I laughed and it tickled him so that he laughed. That tells me that he knows me - he knows me, Kim Ivey, a woman who wasn't sure she would ever be a mom, and if she were, wasn't sure she'd be a good one - this Kim Ivey, he knows her as his mom. The truth of this is still so foreign and surreal that I have a hard time wrapping my whole mind around it.
But it doesn't matter if my mind gets it. My heart does. My heart knows the grace of God poured out over my life - His perfect love through Jonathan keeping me through pregnancy, a wondrous birth, and his first 3 months of life. My heart knows.
He sleeps through the night now. For me that is sad - even after weeks of exhausting middle of the night feedings. I miss them now. I miss that special, quiet bonding time. For me, nourishing him is the greatest act of service that I've ever been privileged to undertake. I can't imagine not doing it. I'm so grateful that I've been given the opportunity to do it at all.
I guess there's never enough words to express the degree of gratitude and joy that I experience on a daily basis now. Never enough words.
I simply love him. If I could wrap everything up into something simple and succinct, I guess that would be it.
I love you Jonathan Asher Ivey-Oladeji. I love you so very, very much...
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