New Beginnings

So, this was the title of one of my devotions today. It's message was based on the fact that today, on the Jewish Calendar, is the first day of the annual Rosh Hoshanna holiday. Here's some info about this Holy celebration:

Today at sundown begins the annual celebration of Rosh Hashanah, the start of the Jewish year. This inaugurates a ten-day period that ends on the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur. This is not a man-made “holiday,” but one of God’s “holy days.” He designed it, instituted it, and commanded it.

This day was to be different. God directed that His people were to cease their normal activities. Instead, they were to think about their lives. This was so important that no one was to work. No one was exempt. And each person was to make a special offering. (Inspiration Ministries Devotional 9.28.11)

The devotion had some great questions to ponder. I thought I'd walk through them here.

1. What are my priorities? Jonathan, a closer walk with Christ - more surrendered & hearing Him more - more willing to obey and have Him lead and direct my life - a more satisfying work life



2. What habits have I allowed to form? Sleeping in too late in the mornings - procastinating on work tasks - no focus when I try to do a task.



3. Have I become polluted by compromise? Yes -- for about 5 months significantly through sexual relations with Kay -- still to a degree with my continued communications with him.



4. How committed am I to serving God? Not enough - it's growing, but I need more, I crave more - I just am not doing enough work to make it happen.



5. Am I eager to have a deeper walk with Him? Yes



6. What do I want to change from last year? Less fear and angst and anxiety about everything - baby, relationships, work, my walk with Christ



7. What do I want to make better? My work life - my vocation - my mothering of Jonathan - my empathy and care towards others - anticipating needs and meeting them



8. What blessings do I want to draw for myself and my family in the next year? Financial blessings of God's provision if I leave IBM or if I stay - that Jonathan be emotionally and mentally prepared for daycare/ school in September.

Well, I suppose that helped a bit. Not much, though.

My friend Lolita came for a visit today. She suggested that I take a day for myself, maybe a future Saturday, from after getting Jonathan up and ready for the day till about right before his nighttime ritual - about 10 or so hours...take a long drive, maybe go to a spot where I can really hear from the Lord -- I need that so bad. The last time I had it with any significance was my drive across the southwest, December 2008. So many changes came out of that drive: leaving the church I attended and spending 2 months with just the Lord on Sundays - true Sabbath rests. Deciding to move back to NJ and then deciding to move back into my parent's home and doing the renovations. Putting my beloved home on the market for sale. Ending up at Grace Church.

Right now what I want to hear the most is about what the heck I should be doing with my life. Continuing to spin my wheels at IBM? Teaching? Something else.

What am I excited about? What makes me smile? What makes me giddy? Jonathan's smile does. His coos. His grunts. His craziness. My work deenergizes me. I don't smile much and it totally does not excite or make me giddy. It actually gets in the way of me really, truly enjoying Jonathan.

I enjoy giving people things of a monetary nature. That is my spiritual gift. However, I'm able to do that cause I'm currently in a well-paying job. I have a friend who freely gives of herself and her time. Right now, because she is unemployeed, she can't really give much monetarily. I don't do that as readily - giving away myself and my time (neither of which is really mine). Who's more of the Godly giver? I would say my friend. I don't know.

I know the comparison thing is so not healthy, so I need to stop it.

Lord - I just need to know what truly excites me. That thing or something related to that thing is what I should be doing - what you've created me to do. What is it?

My new beginning starts once I know what that thing is...

Walking by 7 months maybe??

Well, my little man has been climbing and standing on us and anything else he can climb and stand on since about 11 weeks. In fact, I have a video of him trying to climb over the couch arm at 11 weeks (I need to upload my videos, btw). Anyway, he's now, at almost 6 months, discovered the joy of standing up against things - the back of the couch, his playpen walls, etc.. Here are some pics of him standing next to his chair that he HATES sitting in. However, he has a lot of fun standing next to it to chew on the straps - go figure. I suppose his lil fro makes him look a tad bit top-heavy - LOL! As of 8/15/11, he is 27.5 inches and 17.8 lbs. *Sigh* - my smoogum woogums is getting big...

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Jonathan's First Two Too-Fusses!

Just an assortment of pics of my sweetie and his first two teeth! He was a real champ the whole time they worked their way to the surface...pretty much self-soothed himself with a lot of chewing on things and slobbering. We never suffered through a sleepless night (homeboy is a champion sleeper - 10 -12 hour stretches since about week 10 - PRAISE Jesus!!) And then, on Monday morning, 8/8/11, the teeth that had been hinting at their arrival, just popped out (with a lil blood that scared me for a second until I realized it was from the teeth). So, here are the shots for your (mainly my:->) enjoyment!

A different view of grace

I was forwarded an email this evening that contained a quote from a writer that I've never heard of - Adyashanti. I'll have to wikipedia her at some point to get the background info. However, right now, knowing who she is and her history really isn't that interesting. What's interesting is a portion of the quote that I read in the email. Here it is:

Grace is something that comes to us when we somehow find ourselves completely available, when we become open-hearted and open-minded, and are willing to entertain the possibility that we may not know what we think we know. In this gap of not knowing, in the suspension of any conclusion, a whole other element of life and reality can rush in. This is what I call grace. It's that moment of of "ah-hah!" --- a moment of recognition when we realize something that previously we never could quite imagine. - from "Falling into Grace" by Adyashanti

Grace comes when we are:

...completely available
...open-hearted
...open-minded
...willing to admit that we don't know

I don't know if Adyashanti is a believer in Jesus Christ - that she has received the precious gift of salvation, which has been imparted to us by grace, not in response to any works on our part. Yet, there is so much truth in her description about what it takes to receive grace. For Christ-followers, I'd say it also gives a nice description of what it takes to receive the grace-filled gift of salvation: we must be completely available, open-hearted, open-minded and willing to admit that we don't know.

I'm completely available when I let go of all preconceived notions of how I should approach God or how He should approach me.

I'm open-hearted when I lay down pride and arrogance, and allow the soft caress of his love to massage my heart and to melt it into His own.

I am open-minded when I realize that my salvation is no different, better or inferior, than the next person's. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Through Christ, we are all provided the option to receive the gift of eternal life and forgiveness of our sins. We can't be closed minded about that truth. We can't limit the extent of God's mercy or His grace towards us or anyone around us. It's available to everyone.

I admit that I don't know, when I realize that there is absolutely nothing in me that would qualify me to receive such an amazing gift: a sinless, perfect man suffering and dying for me -- simply so that He could restore the loving, intimate relationship that we were meant to have with His Father -- our Father; the kind of relationship that He has had for all eternity - that He was willing to give up, excrutiatingly, reluctantly - even to the point of sweating beads of blood. I don't understand it. I don't know it. But it is true. It is real.

So, there is the clear connection of her words to receiving the grace-filled gift of salvation. However, I also see what might be the more direct interpretation of her words - succinctly stated in this line:

In this gap of not knowing, in the suspension of any conclusion, a whole other element of life and reality can rush in. This is what I call grace.

I don't like not knowing things. I'm pretty nosey, which is not a particularly good trait. I'd love to be the kind of person who doesn't waste time worrying about other people's affairs because her life is so full and rich and busy that she doesn't have time to. I've gotten better in recent years, and especially now with Jonathan in my life. My time spent on people.com is about maybe twice a month when a few years ago it was daily. I no longer need to know all the nitty gritty details of my friend's lives, either. I also don't have to understand everything that's going on as it relates to my team at work and other stuff going on with our project. Yet, that persistent need to sorta know the next step -- to have a sorta 2 year, 5 year, 10 year and so on plan for my life -- consistently plagues me.

Right now, I'm in the midst of not knowing about where Jonathan and I might live when it's time for us to move from the small confines of my parent's home. As a child of God, who orchestrates our lives like a sublime symphony, I should not be concerned. He knows where we'll end up and I just need to remain trusting that He'll work out all the details: location, how I'll pay for it, and so on.

I'm just in a state of unrest and wanting to be in that place just for me and Jonathan. I have dreams of a nice kitchen that I can finally start really doing some cooking in - now that I have someone to regularly cook for. I just can't get comfortable cooking in my mom's kitchen. I want us to have our own garden - our own little outdoor space to live outdoor life in. I just want something that's just our own.

And then there's that not knowing if I'll ever share such a space with Jonathan and his dad, and realizing that that's likely a pipe dream for the foreseeable or ever future. It's a sad thought, so no need to linger there. Plus, we're currently in a time of me figuring out what exactly I do want for us...

Grace -- when a whole nother element of life and reality comes rushing in. That's my life right now: suspended in a reality that is so inconsistent with everything I have thought a life of a nice Christian girl should be. I'm holding on - cause I still don't believe I should walk away - not yet. However, that dream of a life of our own, with me, Jonathan and hopefully a man who will be present in our lives - who will love on Jonathan and be that example of Godliness that I long for him to have -- I don't know if that is the reality for me and his dad.

I just don't know. And in the not knowing, grace crawls in and abides with me - it makes a way.

Oh, Lord, please...make a way.

A foundation of love

Jonathan turned 5 months on 7/24/2011. It's amazing how much he has changed in such a short amount of time. Above left is a picture of him in his hospital bed at just 1 day old, and to the right is a shot of him at just a couple of days shy of 5-months. He looked so much like his dad at birth, but now, he sometimes looks very much like my father and his mom (and I guess me to a certain degree). His looks morph, depending on the angle - he can be very much Ivey at certain angles and very much Oladeji at others. As mentioned in my initial blog about Jonathan, he is a perfect mixture of both families.

I guess you can see that he still has his hair - and then some! The Lord is so gracious to me. I hoped that if I had a boy, he would end up having one of those cool fros that Black babies are sometimes blessed with - and he indeed has one. And he's so good about getting his hair washed and combed out. The fro typically doesn't last all day - since my baby is so energetic and active: rolling, bouncing, climbing, jumping! He wears Nana out! But it's so becoming, and I would say that it's his crown of glory...that it gives him supernatural strength, not unlike Samson. I had plans to cut it after his first birthday, but now I'm thinking I might try to keep it a little longer. Of course, I'll have to see how Jonathan feels about that:-).

It's funny, I wrote Samson's name and it made me think about the origins of this OT character and the promise that was set upon his life. An Angel of the Lord (I believe the pre-incarnate Christ) visited Samson's parents and told them of this child that would be conceived, even though Samson's mom had been barren for many years. He was to be raised as a Nazarene, i.e., never to drink alcohol and his hair to never be cut...fully consecrated to the Lord. His parents were immensely grateful and I'm sure were overjoyed to see this prophecy come to pass. Their promised child was soon in their arms and they took it upon themselves, with great joy and pride, to raise him as instructed. And yet Samson still managed, in his pride and rebellion, to go his own way - over and over again - until it was ultimately his downfall.

I talk about Jonathan's hair being his strength in the same way that Samson's hair was. However, unlike Samson, I long for Jonathan to live the kind of consecrated life that Samson was created to live, but was unable to truly fulfill. I believe in my heart that Jonathan was birthed under similar cirucmstances (I was for all purposes a 'barren' woman) and under a similar promise.

Several years before getting pregnant, when I was still dreaming about being a mother, while at the same time a bit unsure that I was capable of the job - or sure that I really wanted it (longing - aversion, a constant merry-go-round in my head), I felt strongly in my heart that I would bear a child in my 44th year. I documented it in my journal at the time. And then in March of 2010, while doing my morning devotion, I was reading the passages in Genesis regarding the promise of a child to Abram and Sarai. I felt that the Lord was telling me that I too, at that time next year , would have a child (further confirmation about what I believed would happen in my 44th year of life). Later that day, I received an email devotion on the same passage in Genesis that I had read earlier. It gave me goosebumps. I cut it out and placed it in my journal, believing that what was spoken to my spirit would come to pass.

Of course I interpreted all this as a promise from the Lord that he'd soon be sending me a Godly husband. We'd have a fast courtship, be married by July, I'd get pregnant fast, and voila - my "this time next year" child would arrive! Clearly, the Lord had other plans. My promised child surely did arrive by "this time next year", but the Lord worked it out in a way that I can do nothing but give Him all the glory, honor and praise. Jonathan was sent to my life in a way that I would never have scripted. Praise God for his grace and soverign power over our lives!

I've already discussed the aftershocks of Jonathan's conception and birth; no need to continue with that here. I just wanted to provide some background regarding my strong belief that Jonathan is a child of promise...a child of the spirit, not of the flesh - similar to Samson, Isaac, even Samuel -all children that the Lord deemed necessary to come to this earth, for a specific work, that is above and beyond what the average person accomplishes. I believe this for Jonathan. I continue to declare that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. A man after God's own heart. A man thirsty and hungry for the things of God...dutiful, kind, servant-hearted, walking in the fruit of the spirit - not perfect, but endeavoring to live unto the Father, and repentent and quick to turn when he does not.

For this to come to pass, I believe that, from an early age, he needs to know one thing and know it like he knows his name:

GOD LOVES HIM!

Yes, our Father loves him. Our father in heaven pursues him, loves and adores him, knew him before the foundations of the earth, hand-selected him to be born when he was born and into the family that he was born into, will use him for great things...that the Lord loves him unconditionally - regardless of what he does or does not do, accomplishes or does not accomplish - God loves him - and I love him, too. I want Jonathan to be awashed of this love, his heart and mind flooded with it -- for him to NEVER doubt that the Lord is near and will never leave or forsake him. I long for the Lord to enable me -to work through me - to convey these truths to Jonathan - somehow, someway, every day that I'm blessed to do so.

I don't know if there is anything more foundational to Jonathan becoming the man that i believe he'll become. To even enjoy childhood in the way that I hope he does - with rapt curiosity, energy, wisdom, joy and fun! There is freedom when you KNOW-- I mean, really KNOW that you are loved.

Oh, Lord God, enable me to shower Jonathan with kisses, to seek his forgiveness when I am wrong, to hug him till he can hardly breathe, to discipline him with love, to speak to him kindly, to pour out your wisdom, imparted through me, to him...to have fun with him, to laugh with him till it hurts, to cry with him when tears are the only answer to his pain, to pray with him about ALL things, to be still and quiet with him - to enjoy him - and to be blessed to see him walking IN that purpose that you have created for him. Lord, work this out for us, even in the feebleness of my sin-scarred life - through my poor decisions at times, my pride, my selfishness, my self-centerdness - all my weakness, use me to be that morsel of blessing in his life so that he walks into the world, as a grown man, knowing that I did ALL that I could, through the wonderworking love and power of Jesus Christ.

Lord, LOVE on Jonathan. Love him to bits - and make sure He knows it - always...

It is HOT -- time to rejoice in the blessings of AC

We're in the midst of a PAINFUL heatwave here in NJ. Actually, most of the country (30+ states) are suffering. 115-125 heat index kind of sweltering hot.

I rejoice in God's goodness!

For I remember as a little girl going through a similar heatwave with NO AC. Just a fan, propped in my window. I can still feel the oppresiveness of those excrutiating, sleepless nights.

So, right now, I'm feeling the favor and goodness of God in a remarkable way. I'm in an older home with room acs. Those rooms without ACs - the pain is acute. But the rooms with ACs, with ACs -- man! Praise You Lord God, for you are INDEED the giver of good things!

And Lord, I lift up a prayer for those who are suffering in the way that I did as a little girl. The elderly, the infant, the family, in a crowded home, without the means of cooling off. Comfort them - bring a special blessing of your calming, cooling presence - and bring relief soon, through more pleasant, bearable weather. You ARE the Lord of hosts and creator of all things. I believe that the heat is here to do your purpose. Yet, I beeseach you to expedite that purpose and bless us with lower temperatures, sweet summer breezes, and relief, relief, relief!

And as we wait for this relief, and anytime we find ourselves living through a period of discomfort, let's join City Harmonic in praising the great I AM and who His is -- even the Lord of our weather -- and always the God of all comfort who is worthy to be praised!!

Taking up my cross

It's late. Or maybe it's very early. 3:34 AM according to the clock on my laptop. I felt moved by the Lord to get out of bed and spend some time with Him. In prayer, in supplication, in angst, in pouring out my worries, fears, anxieties, in asking for forgiveness, in complaint, in heartbrokeness.

I get this devotion daily called meditiations. I felt to boot up the laptop to check to see what the message for today was about, today being Saturday 7/23/11 - one day short of Jonathan's 5-month birthday.

The lesson was on taking up our cross. Here is an excerpt:

Yes, He could have saved Himself. But in choosing NOT to save Himself, He was indeed choosing to save others. The choice was His. No one took His life from Him. He laid it down willingly.

Thus He calls us to do the same. Will you be mocked? Likely. Will you be misunderstood? No more than He was. It's your choice as well. Will you pick up your cross and follow Him? Your cross may mean someone else's deliverance.

I read this and went straight to google to get a few more viewpoints on this whole "Taking up the cross" thing that Christ Himself directed us to do. I wanted a better understanding of what "Your cross" means. Clearly it's distinct and different for each person -- He doesn't say, "the cross", "your brother's cross" or "your sister's cross", "your mama's cross" or "your daddy's cross". He says "his" cross, which I take as "your cross":

Mark 8:34 (NKJV) When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.

Mark 8:34 (MSG) Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

I like both translations, but the Message version really drives it home for me: Don't run from suffering and sacrifice self. The result: Finding my true self.

So what is my cross? I know for one it's the daily taking up the cross of a job which is not very satisfying to my flesh, but is something in which the Lord works in a mighty way, to His glory and greatness. I would like to drop it, but daily I pick it up, knowing that it is His will for my life right now. I don't stop hoping that this will change, but in obedience, I take it up - reluctantly, imperfectly, I take it up.

I've been wondering also about my "situation" with Jonathan's father. I call it a situation because it really can't be deemed a true relationship. He is still the husband of one wife, regardless of the fact that they no longer live together and have no affection toward each other in that way. They are two successful professionals, with assets and 3 children together -- these things preclude or possibly are barriers to them moving toward a true legal separation, i.e., divorce. And now, one in this arrangement - his wife - is setting down completely (after already, for several years, partly) - her career as an anethesiologist, to stay at home, full-time, to home school their two youngest children. They've agreed this is best.

It's ironic, considering that my huge desire is to do the same, but because of my "sin" so to speak -- and remaining in this "situation", it is something I can only pine and plead with the Lord to still in his grace and mercy bring to pass in my life. It's a miracle that I'm hoping for -- not a right, as in Kay's wife's case, to select.

I'm always reminded that she is his wife. He is her husband. I knew this before I laid down with him over a year ago for Jonathan's beautiful conception. I know it now after additional encounters of making love to him after Jonathan's birth.

So, is my cross the entering into a situation, after forbidding myself to do so in my former, still trying to get over "religious state" (for after our intial encounter, I pushed Kay away for the length of my pregnancy), where I don't really see a concrete end goal, i.e., marriage to this man that I am very much in love with -- an inexplicable love that's hard to describe but is real and significant to me?

Or would the cross be to walk away from our situation and just co-parent, while he and his estranged wife continue this arrangement they have until...I guess I don't know when.

I see myself carrying a cross either way. Neither decision is a cakewalk. Though one - leaving - would be easier. Staying, in truth, is the harder cross to bare.

In a previous blog entry, I wrote about "doing me" and feeling deeply that I should continue to walk this thing out...that the Lord is ultimately going to get the fullness of His glory through something that seems so not right to so many others - even my religious self. That He is perfecting and doing a work in Kay and I throught this. In this, I still believe, and it dovetails with the meditation comment above: Will you be mocked? Likely. Will you be misunderstood? No more than He was.

It dovetails with the message translation: Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self.

It doesn't make sense, but I believe that my cross to take up is to remain in this situation until it plays out as God directs...to continue to sacrifice myself and deny doing what would be the easier for me of the two choices - walking away. I do the walking away thing with great aplomb. Have done it several times. Being alone and not dealing with the complications inherent in relationship with someone who is as imperfect as me is easy. It would be a cross to bare, but nothing compared to the current cross of staying in this until God does what He needs to do in us. For I believe that He is, in some strange way that I can't understand, redemming the situation. Redeeming both me and Kay and using this to draw us to Him and cleanse and perfect each of us. That indeed, as mentioned in the meditiation, someone's deliverance could be at stake...

And you ask: How can you believe that when you are essentially in an act of adultry and practicing fornication, Kim? My sister, I think you are decieved...

I don't know. But He does. I keep having to tell myself that. He does. Just like, as I've said before, He knew that by allowing me to make the decision to lay down with Kay, the result would be the greatest blessing of my life outside of salvation - Jonathan. He knew.

Boldly He calls us to draw near to His throne of grace to recieve grace and mercy in our time of need (Hebrews 4). Daily He tells us to lift up our crosses. I think the two go together. Boldly seeking mercy and grace - Daily lifting up our cross. They need each other. One without the other makes for either a self-focused, "seeking only after his goodness of God" saint (if you limit yourself to seeking only his mercy and grace without taking up your cross) or a religious, judgmental, pharisee (if you only lift up your cross, without the cushion of his grace and mercy underneath to help you bare it).

I take up the cross of my job, but boldly seek his mercy and grace to help me bare it. I take up the cross of my entanglement, my situation, my love for Kay and all that's associated with it, including the sin of our sexual relations...the condition of his separation, and I boldly seek His redeeming mercy and grace to bare it.

That's where I am for now. It might change. What's most important is that we, Kay and I, will be changed through the baring and the seeking. And I will continue to believe that the change will be for the better - and to our Father's glory.

"What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

Everything I want is currently not in my hand - it never will be. In this situation with Kay, it most certainly is not - for what I want is to be married to him, our own little family, the picture perfect, nuclear thing...being a stay-at-home mom, with none of the complicaitons that I'm confronting now by being connected to him as I am now.

And yet, in each moment of this journey, I am finding my soul. I am. Weirdly, strangely, I am. And I'm finding the real me. Shaky, rickity, imperfect, but saved by grace, me.

If this personal, jagged cross I am taking up continues to allow my self discovery in Him to take place, then it's worth all the pain, suffering, longing for more, even the shame, embarressment, angst that goes along with it.

It is worth it...