Today (Wednesday) is an exciting day for our church family as over 1,000 people
participate in a Liquid Fast together from sun up to sundown! What's a Liquid Fast? Together we will:
- Avoid solid food
- Drink only water or natural juices (fruit or vegetable)
- No coffee, soda, or alcohol
- Replace your meals with prayer & worship!
The point of the fast is to draw closer to God & identify with Jesus. We are intentionally saying "no" to our flesh, so we can say "yes!" to more of the Spirit!
Remember: Jesus began his ministry by fasting for 40 days & nights in the wilderness.
- Today, we'll replace breakfast, lunch, and dinner with our liquid-only fast.
- Tonight, we'll come together at each Liquid campus for Prayer & Worship at 7:30pm!
If you've never fasted before, this is a great introduction to fasting. If you've done a Daniel fast, a "fluids-only" fast is a great new experience!
// READ & FEED: To get through today, you'll need to drink plenty of water & ask God to give you extra strength. A fast is a "declaration of dependency" on God-- fortunately, your Heavenly Father has plenty of food to go around!
This morning, read John 4:27-38 in which Jesus tells his disciples about the "secret food" that keeps him going. Notice how the disciples focused on the stomach; while Jesus focused on the soul!
34 “My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. 35 Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. 36 Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. 37 Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. 38 I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”
// JOURNAL: Jesus said he had "food to eat that you know nothing about" (v 32).
According to verse 34, what exactly is Jesus' food?
It's easy to "super spiritualize" a fast and think, "Well, Jesus could do this because he was God-- but not me! I'll never make it through this day without coffee!"
What does it scare you most to give up today? Caffeine? Carbs? Candy?
My breakfast coffee with cream and sugar and my cheerios.
Are you worried about being cranky? Critical?
No - I'm just naturally that way -- probably need to be fasting JUST about those two issues:-).
Fasting reveals what controls us. But today, you're taking a big step toward freedom & aligning yourself with the will of God. There's something about empty vessels that the Father can't resist filling up!
// PRAY: Write out a prayer to God this morning confessing your weakness and all the things you typically depend on to get through the day. Tell Him that today you want some of the "secret food" Jesus talked about. Ask the Father to show you how to "do his will" and help "finish his work."
Commit the situation you're fasting about to the Father. Tell Jesus you trust Him and why this situation is important to you or your family.
Pray several times throughout the day! Whenever you experience headaches or hunger pains, let it serve as a reminder to pray & ask God for fresh strength for your soul. Let your weakness draw you to the Father and deeper dependency on Jesus.
My Prayer: Lord God, it's been awhile since I last fasted. You've blessed me with a beautiful little boy and I've been breastfeeding, so have not been able to do my annual fast. I miss it. However, even in these first few hours of a sun-up to sun-down fast, I find myself a bit irritable and impatient, mad at myself that I ate so late last night and almost forgot this morning by drinking a little green tea. I was beating myself and being impatient with Jonathan. I will not let the enemy sour this great day of consecrating myself to You. May You, Lord God, be my primary focus today. Let me take the words of Tim Cooper's devotion and cast all my care upon you, for you care for me. I need not be anxious, irritable, impatient or frustrated. I praise You for this day and for the gift of fasting. I thank you for the 1000+ saints who are participating corporately in today's fast as well as on 3/28 and 4/4. I thank You that this time we are giving you is a sweet aroma before You and that You are ready to dispense answers, deliverance, victory into the lives of each of us. Thank you for the requests I've put before You. I lay them at Your feet, in complete faith that You are able to work things out according to Your perfect plan for each person I've lifted up -- each concern. And Lord, indeed, I desire to be like Jesus -- to do YOUR will, to carry out the plans and purposes that You have for my life. I am your vessel. I offer myself as a living sacrifice, through which You can operate and move in the part of this world that You have set me. I thank You that all the words I've been receiving lately, through devotions and scriptures, point to Your call on my life to devote myself to a time of seeking You and developing the ministry of speaking to the skeptics and those who are backslidden -- to bring in a harvest of these individuals to Your throne of grace so that they can boldly come to You to receive mercy and grace -- and above all SALVATION in their time of need. Thank YOU for using my writing to accomplish this work. Thank you for opening the time for when this seeking time should commence. Thank you for taking care of me and Jonathan during this time. And thank you for the many deliverances and victories that will present themselves in the lives of those around me as I am obedient to Your call and continue to be used to intercede for others. In Your mighty and precious name, be with us today, Lord God and throughout this time of consecration - AMEN!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Liquid Fast - Week 1, Day 2
So, Liquid, my church (liquidchurch.com) started a 21-Day consecration period on 3/19, to end on Easter day, 4/8/2012. In the middle of this time, there will be 3 consecutive Wednesday liquid fasts, i.e., on liquid, water or fresh juices, to be consumed for a 24 hour period on 3/21, 3/28 and 4/4. Pretty powerful.
We're to seek God during this time, read the daily devotionals and scripture passages, and decide on 2 -3 requests of the Lord - similar to Esther's request of the King to deliver the Jews from Haman's evil edict.
So, So, one of the things I listed was discernment related to leaving IBM. On Sunday night I asked the Lord to lead me to a specific word. I opened the Bible to Luke 5 and this scripture at verse 4 was like a rhema word to me: “Put out into the deep
and let down your nets for a catch.” I meditated on that a bit before I
went to sleep, feeling it was related to the call in my heart to just leave this job and look to Him to provide.
When the Lord wants to make a point with me, He typically speaks to me in scripture and then immediately follows up with confirmation in one of the daily devotionals I get in my email. He did that with a word he spoke to me in March 2010. He used his words of promise to Abram about having a son at this time next year to speak to me that the same would happen to me.
That same day in one of my devotional he used the same set of scripture to discuss how He is able to do the impossible. I had goosebumps and printed out the devotioanl and stapled it on the journal entry for that day (where I had indicated the Genesis scripture I'd read earlier that day). I of course thought it meant I was meeting my husband that year, gonna get married and soon be pregnant after. Well, the son came, but totally not according to MY plan -- however, He worked all things for the good and the promise was fulfilled in Jonathan.
So, in similar manner, yesterday, I opened my Meditations devotion. He's been doing a series out of Psalm 1 for the past week or so, however, yesterday, out of no where, guess which scripture he decided to use? Luke
5:1 - 11, focusing on “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” - here's the full devotional:
Luke 5:1-11
On one occasion, while the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he was standing by the lake of Gennesaret, 2 and he saw two boats by the lake, but the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets. 3 Getting into one of the boats, which was Simon's, he asked him to put out a little from the land. And he sat down and taught the people from the boat. 4 And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” 5 And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” 6 And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. 7 They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boats, so that they began to sink. 8 But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” 9 For he and all who were with him were astonished at the catch of fish that they had taken, 10 and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.”[a] 11 And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him.
The disciples had been following Jesus for some time. However, as we can see here, they had not completely given up their day jobs (or night jobs as it may be). Why were they out fishing the night before? Was it to simply have a time of fellowship? Was it to relax after a hard day at the evangelistic office? No, likely they were out trying to catch fish to make a living. Working for our food is a value which is (and should be) instilled in us from childhood. Scripture says that if a man does not work neither should he eat.
But what if Jesus wants you to follow after Him? What do you do then?
Well, the disciples tried to do both for a while. They were trying out tentmaking, as it is called. And there's nothing wrong with tentmaking, as Paul the Apostle would confirm. But what if Jesus Himself wants more out of you than your attentions can afford with a full or part time job? I suppose you find yourself in this situation: finding out that God really can provide.
You see, the same God who wants you to trust Him in obedience is the God who also has all power, all resources and all sufficiency for YOU. In Jesus' Name, I ask God to fill your net, rip your net, fill your boat and nearly sink your boat with a blessing so you may see once and for all very clearly that God Himself can and will take care of you. This was all took for the disciples. After this lesson, they forsook all and followed after Him.
Be blessed with a decisive victory.
Craig Thompson
Again - goosebumps. I had to sit for awhile to gather myself cause it really scared me how specific this message was. Today, Craig went back to Psalm 1, so it is just sooo uncanny how that message came on the day that it did.
So, that's my prayer: A decisive victory related to leaving the job and the right time to do so. I've looked into alternative health care resources, such as Samartian's ministry, which I believe will suffice for the short term. What continues to keep me tied up in fear is my concern about what people will think - my parents, Kay, and others. I don't want Kay, in particular, to think I'm trying to be a lazy, freeloader -- his monthly giving shouldn't be altered at all, really - Jonathan's needs are not too much right now. And if I'm home, that puts off daycare for a bit more. I'd still be able to pay rent (and my mother already, without knowing that I had plans to go back to school, told me I can reduce what I've been giving them, which includes paying her to watch Jonathan). I feel that maybe the Lord has me doing something with my writing as a ministry. How that would turn into money coming in, I have no idea. However, I'm not gonna really know until I step out in faith and just do what He's been calling me to do now for over a year and a half. I've just gotta do it.
So, this takes us to Day 2. I want to start tracking the daily devotion lesson's here for reference in the future. Here we go:
Scripture reading is Esther 7 & 8
7:3 - Then Queen Esther answered, “If I have found favor with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty, grant me my life—this is my petition. And spare my people—this is my request.
Esther fasted before she sought the King's favor. This is a model for us as we come before our King with big requests. It's not that fasting changes God's mind-- but it changes our hearts so we can humbly ask for His intervention with a pure heart!
Read Esther 8:17 again and record the outcome of Esther's fast:
In every province and in every city, wherever the edict of the king went, there was joy and gladness among the Jews, with feasting and celebrating. And many people of other nationalities became Jews because fear of the Jews had seized them.
Wherever the "commands of the king" go, they bring joy & gladness! Because of His goodness, our King can turn our fast into a feast!
Journal your thoughts about these 2 big ideas from Esther:
* We need to FAST before we seek the King's FAVOR.
* The King has the power to turn our FASTING into a FEASTING!
I believe strongly that the Lord is already moving, as evidenced in the information above. I have two other requests that are strong in my spirit, and I believe He will move upon those, as well. I look forward to coming to Him on April 4th with these petitions and seeing the result -- experiencing the joy, witnessing His glory, having a new testimony of His faithfulness.
Here are all three petitions that I plan to make:
Tell God about the situation you're fasting for this Spring. Spend 15 minutes praying
& asking what His favor would look like in this crisis? What would please him most?
Honestly describe what outcome would turn your fast into feasting! Thank God for his favor in
Jesus Christ and commit yourself to joyfully receiving His response!
We're to seek God during this time, read the daily devotionals and scripture passages, and decide on 2 -3 requests of the Lord - similar to Esther's request of the King to deliver the Jews from Haman's evil edict.
So, So, one of the things I listed was discernment related to leaving IBM. On Sunday night I asked the Lord to lead me to a specific word. I opened the Bible to Luke 5 and this scripture at verse 4 was like a rhema word to me: “Put out into the deep
and let down your nets for a catch.” I meditated on that a bit before I
went to sleep, feeling it was related to the call in my heart to just leave this job and look to Him to provide.
When the Lord wants to make a point with me, He typically speaks to me in scripture and then immediately follows up with confirmation in one of the daily devotionals I get in my email. He did that with a word he spoke to me in March 2010. He used his words of promise to Abram about having a son at this time next year to speak to me that the same would happen to me.
That same day in one of my devotional he used the same set of scripture to discuss how He is able to do the impossible. I had goosebumps and printed out the devotioanl and stapled it on the journal entry for that day (where I had indicated the Genesis scripture I'd read earlier that day). I of course thought it meant I was meeting my husband that year, gonna get married and soon be pregnant after. Well, the son came, but totally not according to MY plan -- however, He worked all things for the good and the promise was fulfilled in Jonathan.
So, in similar manner, yesterday, I opened my Meditations devotion. He's been doing a series out of Psalm 1 for the past week or so, however, yesterday, out of no where, guess which scripture he decided to use? Luke
5:1 - 11, focusing on “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” - here's the full devotional:
Luke 5:1-11
On one occasion, while the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he was standing by the lake of Gennesaret, 2 and he saw two boats by the lake, but the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets. 3 Getting into one of the boats, which was Simon's, he asked him to put out a little from the land. And he sat down and taught the people from the boat. 4 And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” 5 And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” 6 And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. 7 They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boats, so that they began to sink. 8 But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” 9 For he and all who were with him were astonished at the catch of fish that they had taken, 10 and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.”[a] 11 And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him.
The disciples had been following Jesus for some time. However, as we can see here, they had not completely given up their day jobs (or night jobs as it may be). Why were they out fishing the night before? Was it to simply have a time of fellowship? Was it to relax after a hard day at the evangelistic office? No, likely they were out trying to catch fish to make a living. Working for our food is a value which is (and should be) instilled in us from childhood. Scripture says that if a man does not work neither should he eat.
But what if Jesus wants you to follow after Him? What do you do then?
Well, the disciples tried to do both for a while. They were trying out tentmaking, as it is called. And there's nothing wrong with tentmaking, as Paul the Apostle would confirm. But what if Jesus Himself wants more out of you than your attentions can afford with a full or part time job? I suppose you find yourself in this situation: finding out that God really can provide.
You see, the same God who wants you to trust Him in obedience is the God who also has all power, all resources and all sufficiency for YOU. In Jesus' Name, I ask God to fill your net, rip your net, fill your boat and nearly sink your boat with a blessing so you may see once and for all very clearly that God Himself can and will take care of you. This was all took for the disciples. After this lesson, they forsook all and followed after Him.
Be blessed with a decisive victory.
Craig Thompson
Again - goosebumps. I had to sit for awhile to gather myself cause it really scared me how specific this message was. Today, Craig went back to Psalm 1, so it is just sooo uncanny how that message came on the day that it did.
So, that's my prayer: A decisive victory related to leaving the job and the right time to do so. I've looked into alternative health care resources, such as Samartian's ministry, which I believe will suffice for the short term. What continues to keep me tied up in fear is my concern about what people will think - my parents, Kay, and others. I don't want Kay, in particular, to think I'm trying to be a lazy, freeloader -- his monthly giving shouldn't be altered at all, really - Jonathan's needs are not too much right now. And if I'm home, that puts off daycare for a bit more. I'd still be able to pay rent (and my mother already, without knowing that I had plans to go back to school, told me I can reduce what I've been giving them, which includes paying her to watch Jonathan). I feel that maybe the Lord has me doing something with my writing as a ministry. How that would turn into money coming in, I have no idea. However, I'm not gonna really know until I step out in faith and just do what He's been calling me to do now for over a year and a half. I've just gotta do it.
So, this takes us to Day 2. I want to start tracking the daily devotion lesson's here for reference in the future. Here we go:
Scripture reading is Esther 7 & 8
7:3 - Then Queen Esther answered, “If I have found favor with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty, grant me my life—this is my petition. And spare my people—this is my request.
Esther fasted before she sought the King's favor. This is a model for us as we come before our King with big requests. It's not that fasting changes God's mind-- but it changes our hearts so we can humbly ask for His intervention with a pure heart!
Read Esther 8:17 again and record the outcome of Esther's fast:
In every province and in every city, wherever the edict of the king went, there was joy and gladness among the Jews, with feasting and celebrating. And many people of other nationalities became Jews because fear of the Jews had seized them.
Wherever the "commands of the king" go, they bring joy & gladness! Because of His goodness, our King can turn our fast into a feast!
Journal your thoughts about these 2 big ideas from Esther:
* We need to FAST before we seek the King's FAVOR.
* The King has the power to turn our FASTING into a FEASTING!
I believe strongly that the Lord is already moving, as evidenced in the information above. I have two other requests that are strong in my spirit, and I believe He will move upon those, as well. I look forward to coming to Him on April 4th with these petitions and seeing the result -- experiencing the joy, witnessing His glory, having a new testimony of His faithfulness.
Here are all three petitions that I plan to make:
- A decisive victory related to leaving IBM - including the right time to do so, understanding in the hearts of those who will be indirectly (parents, Kay, friends) and directly impacted (ID team, management), and the Lord's favor and direction upon whatever He deems I need to do once I walk away.
- Brandon, Kay and Bill repenting and turning to Christ, accepting His free gift of salvation, and walking out a consecrated, abiding walk with the Lord in fellowship with other believers, in accountable relationships with other Godly males, as contributing members of Bible believing churches.
- Cancellation of the spirits of unforgiveness, resentment, contempt, bitterness, duplicity, distrust, neglect and anger in my parent's marriage, in Jesus's name, and loosing, in His mighty name, the bonds of love, forgiveness, care, kindness, gentleness, patience, goodness, peace and joy within the remaining years of their marriage - a restoration of what the locusts have attempted to destroy.
Tell God about the situation you're fasting for this Spring. Spend 15 minutes praying
& asking what His favor would look like in this crisis? What would please him most?
Honestly describe what outcome would turn your fast into feasting! Thank God for his favor in
Jesus Christ and commit yourself to joyfully receiving His response!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Jonathan Asher Ivey-Oladeji is 1 today!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETIE!!!!!!MOMMY LOVES YOU SOOO MUCH!!!
xoxoxoxox
xoxoxoxox
A year ago today...
...I was in the throes of labor, at this exact time (12:23 AM). The Lord was gracious. I had suffered two one-week bouts of intense fibroid pain and two episodes of passing a kidney stone during my pregnancy (not to mention 30+ years of horrible menstrual pain), so labor - though not exactly pleasant - was rather manageable. I didn't sleep much at all. And finally got up around 4:30 AM to shower - slowly - and get ready for the day of my precious, sweetum's arrival - whom I was sure would be a boy, based on the Lord's word to me through his given name - Jonathan. Confirmation would come some 13.5 hours later. But in labor, indeed, I was.
Around 7ish, I dialed the midwife on call. She told me to come to the office at 12:30. I had to breathe through one contraction when we spoke, but overall I was pretty calm. I don't think she thought I was anywhere near delivering at that point - or even by the time I would arrive at the office.
Silyn, my cousin and birthing coach, arrived around 11ish. My mother was a nervous wreck. My father very quiet. I laid down on the couch in the baby's room- and waited. Around noon, we finally piled into the car and the drive was actually quite pleasant. I didn't really have any hard contractions. Get to the office, on to the examination table -- and whoosh! My water breaks while Donna, the head mid-wife, exams me and declares that I am a whopping 7 cms! Who would've known. She was shocked, cause I was so calm...could speak with no issues. However, after the water broke, the contractions started coming with a fury. It was a bit difficult to walk but we got back to the car, as Donna directed us to go straight to the hospital. We got to the room around 1:00PM. I was going through transition at about 1:30 ish. On the table around 1:45. 15 minutes and 4 pushes later, I see my lil man and his lil balls passing by me! Jonathan -- my blessed, miracle baby -- the one the Lord spoke to my spirit that I would bare in my 44th year -- that was confirmed through scripture a year before -- whose name - yes, I say it again - was given to me by the Lord Himself -- he had arrived!!
Jonathan -- Jonathan -- Jonathan!
The Love of My life. On this day, 2/24/2011, at exactly 2PM, you came into this world, all 7.5 lbs and 20 inches of you, and made life for me truly worth living...
I LOVE U, Sweetie! I adore you! I praise God for you! I rejoice in Him for the miracle that is you!
Thank you Lord for Jonathan! THANK YOU, THANK YOU...
THANK YOU!!!!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Blood will never lose its power
Just meditating tonight on the endless, beautiful blood of Jesus and the awesomeness of His resurrection. They will NEVER lose their power!
This hymn has been on my heart all evening. May His blood cover and protect all who love Him!
The blood that Jesus shed for me,
way back on Calvary;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It reaches to the highest mountain,
it flows to the lowest valley;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It soothes my doubts and calms my fears,
and it dries all my tears;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It reaches to the highest mountain,
it flows to the lowest valley;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
This hymn has been on my heart all evening. May His blood cover and protect all who love Him!
The blood that Jesus shed for me,
way back on Calvary;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It reaches to the highest mountain,
it flows to the lowest valley;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It soothes my doubts and calms my fears,
and it dries all my tears;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
It reaches to the highest mountain,
it flows to the lowest valley;
the blood that gives me strength
from day to day,
it will never lose its power.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Amazing Jonathan!
This little boy utterly amazes me on a continual basis!
He is now 10.5 months old. He took his first steps on 12/22/11 - still 9 months - so we can say he started walking at the young age of 9 months. However, he did go back to mainly crawling for a nother week or so and then on Thursday, 1/4/12, decided he'd had enough of the crawling, and has been toddling along like a pro ever since.
Just amazing!
I mean, he's got it down where he's already able to walk pass us through tight spaces, turn in circles, turn corners without a beat, open and close doors while standing, climb up on his safety gates and get back down, and skip to his next destination, climb the stairs, get to the landing, stand up and go on his way, walk while holding objects and playing with them, like my iPhone.
My mother keeps telling me "Where did you get this boy??! We never really had a baby."
No, we really didn't. Jonathan did the sleepy infant thing for about 1 week and he's been up and at it ever since. His mind is so quick as well as his hands. I think he comprehends so much. He can watch a cartoon like he knows exactly what's being said - fully engaged. He can turn on and off the separation anxiety -- and primarily does not get anxious. For example, this Sunday at church, a lovely older woman, Anastasia saw that I had to leave the sanctuary cause Mr. Rambunctious wanted to talk and not sit still (I'm waiting till he's 1 year to put him in the nursery) so she came out and took him so I could have communion. Well, he went to her like she was his best friend and then proceeded to entertain her and two other ladies until I came back to get him. So very content.
Anastasia has 5 children so I guess she knows what she talks about when she says that Jonathan will be left-handed. I had hoped so, but she confirmed that his first instinct is to grab things or take things with his left hand. I've been testing that all week and for sure, that is the case.
I love it! cause I can already see that his mind is quick. Left handed folks are quite creative and typically pretty smart - and some very successful folks are left-handed (Obama, Bill Gates, Oprah).
I got a bit sad a few days ago just thinking about my amazing, advanced, express little boy. Right now he's about an 18-month old in a 10 month old body. I believe he's always gonna be like that - slightly frustrated with where he's at in his body because his mind is so far ahead of it. And then when he's able - zoom - off he will go and I will likely not see much of him after that point. The Lord has created in him a zest and zeal for life and people. He will be a great man of influence - the example of Godliness with fervor for the Lord that I've prayed over his life. I believe he will be not unlike Billy Graham - a man that the Lord will use to draw millions to the throne of grace. He is gifted, talented, and God's special creation. What great things the Lord has in store.
And what graciousness the Lord extended to me. Using the early hours of a warm spring day to bless me in a situation that I was not proud of, but I could not keep myself from - to grant me the privilege of carrying and caring for such a special little man. Oh amazing amazing Jonathan.
Oh amazing, amazing God: Thank you!
He is now 10.5 months old. He took his first steps on 12/22/11 - still 9 months - so we can say he started walking at the young age of 9 months. However, he did go back to mainly crawling for a nother week or so and then on Thursday, 1/4/12, decided he'd had enough of the crawling, and has been toddling along like a pro ever since.
Just amazing!
I mean, he's got it down where he's already able to walk pass us through tight spaces, turn in circles, turn corners without a beat, open and close doors while standing, climb up on his safety gates and get back down, and skip to his next destination, climb the stairs, get to the landing, stand up and go on his way, walk while holding objects and playing with them, like my iPhone.
My mother keeps telling me "Where did you get this boy??! We never really had a baby."
No, we really didn't. Jonathan did the sleepy infant thing for about 1 week and he's been up and at it ever since. His mind is so quick as well as his hands. I think he comprehends so much. He can watch a cartoon like he knows exactly what's being said - fully engaged. He can turn on and off the separation anxiety -- and primarily does not get anxious. For example, this Sunday at church, a lovely older woman, Anastasia saw that I had to leave the sanctuary cause Mr. Rambunctious wanted to talk and not sit still (I'm waiting till he's 1 year to put him in the nursery) so she came out and took him so I could have communion. Well, he went to her like she was his best friend and then proceeded to entertain her and two other ladies until I came back to get him. So very content.
Anastasia has 5 children so I guess she knows what she talks about when she says that Jonathan will be left-handed. I had hoped so, but she confirmed that his first instinct is to grab things or take things with his left hand. I've been testing that all week and for sure, that is the case.
I love it! cause I can already see that his mind is quick. Left handed folks are quite creative and typically pretty smart - and some very successful folks are left-handed (Obama, Bill Gates, Oprah).
I got a bit sad a few days ago just thinking about my amazing, advanced, express little boy. Right now he's about an 18-month old in a 10 month old body. I believe he's always gonna be like that - slightly frustrated with where he's at in his body because his mind is so far ahead of it. And then when he's able - zoom - off he will go and I will likely not see much of him after that point. The Lord has created in him a zest and zeal for life and people. He will be a great man of influence - the example of Godliness with fervor for the Lord that I've prayed over his life. I believe he will be not unlike Billy Graham - a man that the Lord will use to draw millions to the throne of grace. He is gifted, talented, and God's special creation. What great things the Lord has in store.
And what graciousness the Lord extended to me. Using the early hours of a warm spring day to bless me in a situation that I was not proud of, but I could not keep myself from - to grant me the privilege of carrying and caring for such a special little man. Oh amazing amazing Jonathan.
Oh amazing, amazing God: Thank you!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Facing old regrets
Was told something tonight that pretty much threw me for a loop -- knocked me off my "daydreaming, declaring God's great goodness and mercy in my life, my Hope is in Him, and I'm believing for GREAT things" pedestal - specifically, the "great things" of marriage, a fulfilling career, being a good mom to Jonathan, Jonathan's life being full of the Lord's blessings, and on and on.
Sometimes we go whole hog on this thing called the future or get a bit caught up in the good things of the present, and we completely dismiss some of the things in our past. And that's good - cause we shouldn't dwell on the mistake or regrets of the past. The Lord doesn't. He accepts our repentance and desire to do better and throws the offenses as far as east is from west - He washes us with the blood of His Son, and makes us as clean as the whitest snow. He truly forgives and forgets.
So, why is this thing I heard tonight eating away at me?
Well, it was words spoken by a person who I know I hurt greatly in the past. I've always felt my decision was just and the best for all concerned, and yet, after hearing what I heard he had to relate a week ago to a good friend, all the shame, guilt, regret that flooded my life for the months after my decision are pouring out again.
The person is my first ex-fiancee. And even saying that makes me cringe -- particularly in light of all my recent blog entries about finding love and marriage. Here I am at 44 still hoping and dreaming for marriage when I had the opportunity to do it twice with good guys, but who I in my unreadiness and feeling that we truly weren't compatible and would probably hate each other once married, decided to say: "Let's not do this."
However, with the 2nd fiancee it was a mutual decision. We both saw it coming.
The first fiancee? Not so much. I blindsided him. He didn't see it coming. And I really should never have accepted the proposal in the first place.
We started dating when I was 29. Got engaged when I was 32. And I ended the relationship soon after.
His life rebounded. He was in a great job. Bought his first home. Was enjoying NYC life. And we managed to ultimately remain friends. I am so grateful to God that this man had such a forgiving heart - that he would even want to be in the same room with me, let alone be my friend.
While we dated, I was in my most rigid, religious way of life. We did not have intercourse. I won't say we didn't have sex, because we pretty much did everything else, but we didn't do the actual "do", so to speak. We dated for almost 3 years that way. He honored my request. He spent many weekends with me on the futon in my living room. We went on romantic vacations, with nothing happening. He popped the question without a preview of things to come. And he was not a believer (which was part of the reason why I eventually called things off -- plus a number of other essential compatibility issues - that I still stand by), yet he respected me and honored me - probably more than any so called "believer" would have or has.
So - the words. What did he actually say?
Turns out, after a few drinks and in the midst of probably the most depressed season of his life (he has been unemployed for over 3 years, is about to lose his condo, has to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy and will be moving back home to live with his mother), he went into a tirade about me having a child with that "nigger" and having the gall to actually give the baby his name!
The person he related this to tried to explain my reasons for the name (my brother and I do not have the same father; his last name is my mother's maiden name, as she chose not to give him his father's last name and my father never adopted him -- this incongruity in our names caused my brother a lot of pain. My mother said it was best that I give my child his father's last name, which I did - though Jonathan also has my last name. I felt it was important that he be identified by both our names).
He really didn't want to hear that explanation. So, my friend knew that there was something deeper going on there. She asked him what this was really about. In her words: "1..2..3..4..5 - He blurted out: 'She had sex with him but never allowed me to and I really truly loved her. And that nigger is responsible for three households!'" and on and on went the tirade.
At first, my reaction was to sort of chuckle at the extremity of his reaction. He had questioned me during the summer about my relationship with Kay - not agreeing that I should try to date him (good advice that I eventually took in July). However, I had no idea that his chagrin about the whole situation ran so deep. Our mutual friend related to me that he also made a point to let her know how he values me and our friendship and would be there for me if I ever needed anything - but this situation with Jonathan's dad - Kay - just really rubs him the wrong way.
Don't worry - it rubbed me the wrong way to.
And now - when I reflect on the way in which I've interacted with the critical men in my life -- when I really look at it -- it has been in a very selfish, what can I get out of it manner - and if I'm not getting what I expect out of it, well: See yah, wouldn't want to be yah.
So, I had to write about this to help me work through it. To truly give it over to the Lord and ask him to forgive me for how I treated this man - and my utter hypocrisy - and how I've treated other important men in my life. And I'm continuing to ask Him to move mightily over this man's life. I've been lifting him up in prayer and even fasted for him - cause I know he has yet to receive Christ as his savior. I know that would make a huge difference in his life -- and I'm asking the Lord to bless him into repentence. To place him into a great job, with benefits and to enable him to be delivered from the mountain of debt that he's under. I know the Lord can do it.
You can do it.
And you have and are forgiving me. You are enabling us to continue to be friends. You've blessed me to still be friends with the other gentleman, who I also haven't been so nice to in my sometimes, hyper-religious, hypocritical, self-centered way. And You are opening up all of our lives to new and unexpected, but extraordinary gifts, straight from your throne, into our hearts. You alone, God. You alone.
I think this is my month of HOPE and REPENTENCE. I suppose that's a good balance. Repentence is sorely needed in a number of places in my life that I didn't realize I needed to ask the Lord's forgiveness about. However, because some of these things are so mind-numbingly painful to face, He's also given me tremendous, renewed hope about a number of dreams and desires. As a result, I'm neither beat down by my old regrets, or too exalted about my fantastic, big dreams and desires.
That indeed is the goodness of God.
Sometimes we go whole hog on this thing called the future or get a bit caught up in the good things of the present, and we completely dismiss some of the things in our past. And that's good - cause we shouldn't dwell on the mistake or regrets of the past. The Lord doesn't. He accepts our repentance and desire to do better and throws the offenses as far as east is from west - He washes us with the blood of His Son, and makes us as clean as the whitest snow. He truly forgives and forgets.
So, why is this thing I heard tonight eating away at me?
Well, it was words spoken by a person who I know I hurt greatly in the past. I've always felt my decision was just and the best for all concerned, and yet, after hearing what I heard he had to relate a week ago to a good friend, all the shame, guilt, regret that flooded my life for the months after my decision are pouring out again.
The person is my first ex-fiancee. And even saying that makes me cringe -- particularly in light of all my recent blog entries about finding love and marriage. Here I am at 44 still hoping and dreaming for marriage when I had the opportunity to do it twice with good guys, but who I in my unreadiness and feeling that we truly weren't compatible and would probably hate each other once married, decided to say: "Let's not do this."
However, with the 2nd fiancee it was a mutual decision. We both saw it coming.
The first fiancee? Not so much. I blindsided him. He didn't see it coming. And I really should never have accepted the proposal in the first place.
We started dating when I was 29. Got engaged when I was 32. And I ended the relationship soon after.
His life rebounded. He was in a great job. Bought his first home. Was enjoying NYC life. And we managed to ultimately remain friends. I am so grateful to God that this man had such a forgiving heart - that he would even want to be in the same room with me, let alone be my friend.
While we dated, I was in my most rigid, religious way of life. We did not have intercourse. I won't say we didn't have sex, because we pretty much did everything else, but we didn't do the actual "do", so to speak. We dated for almost 3 years that way. He honored my request. He spent many weekends with me on the futon in my living room. We went on romantic vacations, with nothing happening. He popped the question without a preview of things to come. And he was not a believer (which was part of the reason why I eventually called things off -- plus a number of other essential compatibility issues - that I still stand by), yet he respected me and honored me - probably more than any so called "believer" would have or has.
So - the words. What did he actually say?
Turns out, after a few drinks and in the midst of probably the most depressed season of his life (he has been unemployed for over 3 years, is about to lose his condo, has to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy and will be moving back home to live with his mother), he went into a tirade about me having a child with that "nigger" and having the gall to actually give the baby his name!
The person he related this to tried to explain my reasons for the name (my brother and I do not have the same father; his last name is my mother's maiden name, as she chose not to give him his father's last name and my father never adopted him -- this incongruity in our names caused my brother a lot of pain. My mother said it was best that I give my child his father's last name, which I did - though Jonathan also has my last name. I felt it was important that he be identified by both our names).
He really didn't want to hear that explanation. So, my friend knew that there was something deeper going on there. She asked him what this was really about. In her words: "1..2..3..4..5 - He blurted out: 'She had sex with him but never allowed me to and I really truly loved her. And that nigger is responsible for three households!'" and on and on went the tirade.
At first, my reaction was to sort of chuckle at the extremity of his reaction. He had questioned me during the summer about my relationship with Kay - not agreeing that I should try to date him (good advice that I eventually took in July). However, I had no idea that his chagrin about the whole situation ran so deep. Our mutual friend related to me that he also made a point to let her know how he values me and our friendship and would be there for me if I ever needed anything - but this situation with Jonathan's dad - Kay - just really rubs him the wrong way.
Don't worry - it rubbed me the wrong way to.
And now - when I reflect on the way in which I've interacted with the critical men in my life -- when I really look at it -- it has been in a very selfish, what can I get out of it manner - and if I'm not getting what I expect out of it, well: See yah, wouldn't want to be yah.
So, I had to write about this to help me work through it. To truly give it over to the Lord and ask him to forgive me for how I treated this man - and my utter hypocrisy - and how I've treated other important men in my life. And I'm continuing to ask Him to move mightily over this man's life. I've been lifting him up in prayer and even fasted for him - cause I know he has yet to receive Christ as his savior. I know that would make a huge difference in his life -- and I'm asking the Lord to bless him into repentence. To place him into a great job, with benefits and to enable him to be delivered from the mountain of debt that he's under. I know the Lord can do it.
You can do it.
And you have and are forgiving me. You are enabling us to continue to be friends. You've blessed me to still be friends with the other gentleman, who I also haven't been so nice to in my sometimes, hyper-religious, hypocritical, self-centered way. And You are opening up all of our lives to new and unexpected, but extraordinary gifts, straight from your throne, into our hearts. You alone, God. You alone.
I think this is my month of HOPE and REPENTENCE. I suppose that's a good balance. Repentence is sorely needed in a number of places in my life that I didn't realize I needed to ask the Lord's forgiveness about. However, because some of these things are so mind-numbingly painful to face, He's also given me tremendous, renewed hope about a number of dreams and desires. As a result, I'm neither beat down by my old regrets, or too exalted about my fantastic, big dreams and desires.
That indeed is the goodness of God.
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