Note to a pastor friend

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

This morning as my son and I frolicked on the floor, I remembered that he is only here because the Lord told me to wait. Has God ever given you a specific word telling you to wait somewhere? Let me explain what happened to me. 

Several years ago I was working as a doorman on an overnight shift. I hated the work. Then, I got a job offer which would require me to go to Virginia. I prayed about it and the Lord told me I could not leave the doorman job. I felt He was telling to stay where I was for a season. Shortly after I prayed, I met my wife. 

Is God telling you to stay in a situation you hate? Is He saying wait? Don't get discouraged. It always pays to listen to His voice. 

Go where He tells you to go, and stay where He tells you to stay. He knows what's best for you. I've learned this the hard way. 

Obey God and never persuade anyone to stay in your life unless they feel God has commanded them to be there. This is another hard lesson I'm learning. You can't hold on to people, or dreams, when God is leading them away from you. 

Whenever I hold on to something, or someone, who feels led to go in a different direction, I've always missed the blessing of God. People come and people go, success comes and success goes. You can only keep the things God has set aside for you. 

I've lived long enough to see a child nourished by a loving mother abandon her, a husband who vowed to be faithful walk away from his family, and best friends become enemies. You can only hold on to the things God has for you. I'm learning this again the hard way.

Is the Lord taking away something you cherish? Don't despair, just wait. Is the Lord telling you to wait somewhere you don't want to be? Don't be anxious, just wait. Wait for the Lord, and...

Be Encouraged.

- Tim Cooper, 11/15/13

Hey, Tim.  It's amazing how the Lord uses the devotions I get on a daily basis to minister to me.  This devotion is the 4th one I got today where the main message was about trusting in the Lord and waiting on Him.  One pointed out that He is El Elyon - God Most High - and that moniker alone should give us enough confidence to place our trust and hope in Him.

I'm not sure if I told you this already, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. Earlier this year, I believe sometime in March, I decided to follow instructions given by Charles Stanley to sit quietly with the Lord and ask Him what His plans were for my life post-IBM; to ask and wait for the answer.  So, I did this, and the answer disturbed me.  I heard very clearly that my next vocation would be "marriage and family".  That made no sense to me.  I was hoping (at the time I was still awaiting responses from the PhD programs) He would tell me something about my future career in education, or possibly give me an idea for book, or confirm my desire to live abroad at some point with Jonathan.  No - just "marriage and family", nothing more, nothing less.

I've been struggling with this word from the Lord ever since I received it.  The PhD program didn't happen, and then my father's fall  and the myriad of responsibilities around that seemed to add some weight to the word that was given to me...that possibly the immediate years ahead would be focused on caring for elderly parents and Jonathan and supporting this yet-to-manifest-himself husband.  That was an additional concern, because I constantly waffle about even wanting to be married, because I have a real, sometimes obsessive affection for and comfort in my singleness and not having to share my life in such an intimate fashion.

The strain I've experienced recently as a result of caring for my parents and difficulties dealing with Jonathan's toddler-hood has made this word even more unwanted.  And so, in my own strength, I've been attempting to re-enter the work world in opposition to His word.  After all, I have a son to take care of and my savings are eventually going to run out.  I've been applying to a variety of things, such as the NYC Teaching Collaborative (still haven't heard back - and not sure i really want to do it) and  other stuff on-line that seems to fit my project management/tech writing background. Nothing has materialized thus far, and underneath all these attempts is a feeling of acute resentment that my sabbatical year to discover God's call on my life was sort of hijacked by my father's injury - and that when I specifically asked about that call, the Lord gave me a response that continues to baffle me.  In a nutshell, I was feeling like He had left me out to dry; that I now had to take it upon myself to figure out how to get out of my situation and that meant I might have to go back to doing what I had so hated doing before (working in IT, in project management).

Thankfully, the Lord didn't condemn me for my anger and depression.  He heard my heart cry and I can say that today I'm in a much better place.  He sent me words of encouragement through an awesome book called "Undaunted" by Christine Caine.  And just talking about it to you and Lolita has lifted quite a bit of the burden.  I'm, in a way, rejoicing in my infirmities, as Paul tells us to do in Corinthians, realizing that indeed His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  I've been endeavoring to turn my moaning into thanksgiving and by doing so, I'm experiencing much more peace.

Over the last few days, I've been slowly letting go of the reigns on my life.  I suppose I need to just let God move in my life to bring this word to fruition.  Whether I think I want it or am capable of it really doesn't matter.  If it's His plan, He'll work out all the small details and give me the abilities I need to carry it out.

Your devotion spoke to me especially because back in August, I asked the Lord again about that word.  I was wondering if maybe I was just hearing Him wrong and asked Him if He would give me scripture to confirm what I thought He said.

I prayed and then opened my Bible.  He took me straight to these verses in Hebrews 10:

35 Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:

37 “For yet a little while,
And He[j] who is coming will come and will not tarry.
38 Now the[k] just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”[l]

39 But we are not of those who draw back to perdition, but of those who believe to the saving of the soul.

I wasn't too happy at the time to read that scripture and continued to fight him on it through this continued searching in my own understanding of a way to escape my situation (get a job, get my own money, move out with Jonathan, and only have to deal with my family from a distance and have enough income to take care of Jonathan on my own, without a husband).

However, in the wake of receiving that scripture, this statement in your devotion really resonated with me:

Is God telling you to stay in a situation you hate? Is He saying wait? Don't get discouraged. It always pays to listen to His voice. 

 If i had read those words even two weeks ago, they might have sunk me deeper into my depression about my current circumstances. I'm grateful that they came now and the other devotions that I received today, when my heart is in a place of thanksgiving about what's going on rather than dread...where my heart is more open to God doing whatever He needs to do to accomplish His purposes in my life.

Thanks again, Tim.  Safe travels to you and Yuka and sweet Kento.  I pray you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

10 things...

Paused for a few minutes while at QuikChek this morning to peruse some magazines.  I ended up reading the full article for this month's Essence cover story on Gabriel Union.  Insightful.  I find her somewhat fascinating, even though her personality can be a bit off-putting.  I suppose it's because she carries this, I don't give a damn what you think of me persona.  It's something that is foreign to me because I've spent most of my 46 years worried about what people think of me.  I'm hoping this is not a trait I've passed on to Jonathan, and yet, he has a penchant for saying "Sorry mommy" that speaks to my own habit of apologizing for everything that happens around me - whether I'm the cause of it or not.  Strange how our traits can literally be passed down through our genes. I believe, even more now, that  much of our personality is fixed - created before hand by God Almighty - quirks that can at times cripple and maim us - and thus cause us to lean upon His everlasting arms to pick us up, brush us off, and walk with us to a place of strength, only to trip again on the same bad habit.  The whole idea of true victory?  Humph, I'm shaking that bad boy off.   The word makes it clear that when we are weak He is strong. Why?  For His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  Who inherits the Kingdom of Heaven?  Those who are POOR in spirit - not the strong.  So, as Paul says, I will boast that much more in my weaknesses, for it's in that state that I am truly strong.  An oxymoron, maybe, but it's the way the Lord built most of us who He has called into relationship with Him.  And it is He that does the calling. I hope He calls on a few more of those close to me - no that He calls on ALL that are close to me - who have yet to step into this dependent relationship that I so desperately cling to.

Anyway, so I read this G. Union article and she pointed out how a good friend of hers who is a life and fitness coach, called her to task on some of her dysfunctional behaviors.  She talked about how she had a penchant for putting other women down - gossiping - and that her friend made her realize how petty it was and that if she really examined the behavior she would realize that she had never cultivated how to talk about anything else. Ouch.  Talk about uncovering someone's shallowness!

The life coach friend then suggested that Gabriel write down a list of the 10 things that she like to do...that brought her joy.  G. Union had trouble writing this list, and when she did, she included imitation crab meat as one of the things.  Her life coach friend pointed out that this was an indication of how Gabby had a penchant for fake and counterfeit things - that she couldn't even enjoy REAL crab meat.  Another telling insight.

Gabby eventually was able to write that list - and confront her shallow ways and take the steps to start becoming a more whole, self-actualized, complete and fulfilled woman.  And now she's in a great relationship with a man she loves, helping him to raise his sons, who she also loves, on a great new tv show, that she enjoys, and ready to actually have babies herself.  Also, she was willing to speak openly about all her weaknesses at an awards ceremony where she was celebrated for her courage - noting that real courage is being able to admit when you really do NOT have it all together.

So, my blog continuously points out how NOT together I am. I gladly roll around in my weaknesses and boast about them like a pig rolling around in wet, gooey, nasty mud.  If I didn't, I would absolutely lose my mind.

And yet, I honestly think, like G. Union, I would have trouble writing down what I truly, truly enjoy.  The top 10 things.  In a minute, I will try, but I also want to talk about some additional words of truth from Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love".

She noted in an interview how she responded to a woman about what she would need to do to pursue her hearts desire and discover her true self in the way that Elizabeth did during her mid-life search for meaning.  Elizabeth asked the woman: "Do you remember when you went off the trail?" or words along those lines.  She says whenever she asks a woman that they all instantly recall the trail and when they fell off it.  For the woman in question, she said it happened when she stopped ice-skating at the age of 14.  So, she was now in her 40's and basically had spent 30+ years not feeling the energy and exhilaration of something that brought her much joy.

It made me think about my own trail.  It was hard to pinpoint it - and weirdly, I was feeling a bit of shame about not being able to say that I'm PRESENTLY on my trail because I have Jonathan now and he is a significant part of this phase of my life - the current trail that I'm on - shouldn't that be thrilling and fulfilling - exhilarating?

It is - and yet, Jonathan is only on loan to me. The Lord birthed him through me so that He could care for him through me and develop in Jonathan the life that He ordained before time that Jonathan would live to His glory.  When Jonathan eventually steps into his life with Christ as an adult, and God-willing I'm still around, where will the I that's still around be - will I have put everything on hold so that once I can step back on that trail, it would have been rerouted to a dead end, filled with pot holes and basically too dangerous to tread?

So, I need to know now.  What was that trail?  Where was that last place where I felt the truest sense of myself?  A place of freedom and unmistakable peace - a sort of knowing that settled me and gave me a sense of wonder and joy?

And the thing that came to me was my trip to the London and Paris, 4 years ago, November 2009.  That trip was a last minute decision and then quickly pulled together agenda wise - but it was truly magical.  I spent part of it with Lolita, but very little. Most of the trip was me, myself and I and those two beautiful cities.

That one day trip to Paris is still hands down the most magical day of my life, outside of seeing Jonathan for the first time after birth.  It still gives me goosebumps.  And there wasn't anything special about what I did. It was just the wonder of experiencing that beautiful city for the very first time and how the Lord managed to make the journey there on the train so enchanting and then each and every succeeding step - from one end of the city to the other - astounding and abounding with ever increasing awesomeness and beauty.  It was just amazing. I felt so free, so in the moment.

And then I can think of that very first day in London and  seeing Trafalgar Square on sunny a midday and then having that delicious dinner in Chinatown.  The tranquility and peace of that Monday afternoon to early evening.  And the last day - walking beside Hyde Park, wondrously overcast - so serene - the hint of ancient Christmases from the past in the air.  Just a wonderful, wonderful week.

I traveled to Paris again that spring of 2010. It was an amazing trip.  Just amazing.  Yet, it pales in comparison to that week in November.  That single day in Paris.  The two things that stick out the most for me about the Paris trip were probably the most uneventful parts of my time there with Sandy;  That lazy afternoon in her friend's apartment overlooking the city of Maastrict and that lazy afternoon lounging and dozing beside the fountain at the park near the Louvre.  Those are truly my highlights of that trip.  We DID A LOT  - and yet those two things stand out for me.  Both were about truly, simply being in the moment and basking in the sheer, unmitigated beauty of my surroundings.  Sort of like that forced week of vacation we all had to take in Poughkeepsie in July of I believe 2001. Every day I drove to Cold Springs, pulled out my lounge chair, my Bible, and my journal and just sat next to the boat dock area, the clang clang of the boats hitting the dock and the tranquility of the Hudson River in the background.  Lazily, lazily, living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me.

So, those are the things that give me joy:  living in the moment, basking in the beauty all around me. Unfortunately, doing those things does not put bread on the table.  It might bring me great solace and peace, but no bank.

However, God is the God of all wisdom and power.  By identifying my joy - maybe, just maybe, He has a way of translating that into a career - a vocation.

Or maybe He has.

I'm not exactly sure how this whole idea of marriage and family being a vocation dovetails with "basking in the beauty all around me" and "being in the moment".  But maybe it does. Maybe the Lord is calling me to simply, sit, relax, and enjoy the beauty of those He has has placed in my life - to see their inherent beauty and worth - to soak it in and to celebrate it in my heart.  To find a solace and peace in simply doing that, and ignoring everything we don't see when we are in that moment of beholding all that is beautiful. For example, during that one day in Paris, I didn't notice harsh words spoken by folks walking beside me or in the distance, the fact that it was  a bit nippy outside, any garbage or unsightly stuff on the streets, rudeness, discomfort on the coach train ride home (well, I did notice  the discomfort on the ride home, but I was still in my cloud of appreciation of the day, so it didn't bother me that much).  When I was in London, I didn't notice as much how awful my hotel room was (definitely not my usual standards) or that I had to spend time with a travel companion (which up to that point I usually avoided with a passion) or the length of the bus ride to see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath.  When I was in Maastrict, I didn't get as bothered by the ugly B&B or the walk to Sandy's friend's place from the B & B or how ugly Amsterdam (our first stop) was.

Being in the moment and basking in the beauty all around manages to get your eyes of the ugly.  So, if my vocation is TRULY this whole marriage/family thing, that must be what the Lord is endeavoring to get me to practice - not just on travel journeys, but in my day to day life.  To not worry about tomorrow, but enjoy today - to seek His kingdom and righteousness - in those around me - in my mother, my father, Jonathan - and eventually this man guy I'm supposed to share my life with - a life I really do not want to share.

Help me Lord.  Money is running out and there is no real, concrete answer to a different vocation other than the one you've spoken to me.  I'm having a hard time embracing it and really wanting something else - still wanting something else.  I need you to help me to embrace it whole heartily - with joy and abandon. To give it my all, without complaint and dread.  I really am desperate to meet this man I'm supposed to build life and love with - who can be a real dad to Jonathan.  And yet, i know also that I have to get in a spot of knowing what it is I really, truly like so that I'm calling on you to fulfill it, rather than this man - or anyone else - none of who have the capacity to do so.

So, here's my list (yeah, I'm getting to it now).  The things I really, truly like:

1. Jonathan's smile and his giggles.  There is NOTHING better.
2. Kay's smile - which he gives so infrequently as to almost be an endangered species.
3. A really good meal at a quaint, local spot like Sophie's Bistro.
4. A great dessert - like that chocolate cocoa cola cake at Cracker Barrel.
5. Evening strolls on moonlit nights when the weather is not too cold or too hot.
6. A really good book that I have a hard time putting down - whether non-fiction or fiction.
7. The Lord speaking to me through a scripture, a sermon, a devotion - just clearly hearing His voice giving me a right now, rhema word.
8. House Hunters - and dreaming of owning my own home again - of truly dwelling and living in that home richly, with my family - not as a museum, like the house I had in Alabama.
9. Talking to God - even in complaint, griping, moping, grumbling - just having the freedom to come to Him, the only one who accepts me for exactly who I am right at that moment.
10. Basking in the beauty all around me and simply being in that enchanted moment - typically occurs when I'm in a foreign city or in a new town or part of town that I've never seen before OR a place that go to time and time again to be refreshed.

When it comes to 10, I see that one of the things that I miss is having that place to go to over and over again to be refreshed.  I don't have that here in NJ.  I've had it pretty much everywhere in my adult life.  In Jersey City it was Pavonia Newport and simply my running in the early mornings - especially my Sunday morning runs.

In Poughkeepsie it was Esopus Lighthouse and Cold Springs.

In Alabama it was the lovely and enchanting Botanical Gardens, Homewood and English Village.

In NJ - nada.

I need that place.  I wonder if by having it, I would then be in a much better place emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I need it.  Lord, can you lead me to it.  Where is this place that I can go....

New Hope and Lambertville.  Yup. That's it.  How could I forget.  I was just there on Monday.  And indeed, time stands still for me there.  It just does.  

I'll make sure to travel to those towns a lot more often in the coming weeks...