I'm feeling a bit strange today. However, I'm gonna chalk most of it up to PMS for a menstrual cycle that will likely arrive early (not supposed to happen till April Fools Day). I'm just feeling out of sorts and a bit touchy, which is always a sure sign of PMS.
It's primarily connected to my mother. Now, because of I have the spiritual gift of perceiving (according to http://www.gifttest.org), I'm usually on the money about my impressions of a person's regard of me. So, today, what I'm feeling most from my mother is a bit of disdain and I guess jealousy. That sounds so stupid and I'm embarrassed to even write it, however, it's what I'm strongly sensing. It's also something I can weirdly identify with because it's the fear of feeling those emotions that have always made me sorta nervous about having a daughter of my own.
The emotions are related to seeing a younger version of yourself. I'm wearing an outfit today that she actually purchased for me for Christmas It's a basic runners outfit that I requested for my quest to get back into running this year. Weather has been crazy so I've done more walking than running, but the outfit will get good use. It fits me well. My mother has two particular obsessions right now about her appearance: How much weight she's losing primarily by virtue of having several surgeries, eating better, and getting older over the past couple of years and if her hair is growing. They are constants in her conversations. The other constants are complaints related to my father (I plan to do a whole series of entries on the dynamics of that relationship).
She came home today from shopping and she just sort looked me up and down as if she was really disgusted with me. She also was carrying the burden of finding out there's an issue with their Envoy that needs to be fixed and when it comes to any extra expenses that require my father to have a hand in making sure the right thing gets done, she instantly goes into a quiet rage. She doesn't trust his judgment, nor trust that whatever assessment he receives and its cost are accurate and true. She believes that he's constantly looking for ways to get money out of her and cheat her (yes, this is their marriage). So, probably some of the disgust on her face was related to her disgust of the car situation AND the fact that I"m not presently working so maybe if I were I'd be able to help out more on that end (and now I think she's getting a bit impatient with me not working). So all that put together and you get: Disdain, Disdain, Disdain.
Throw in this runners outfit and my badly need a relaxer hair which makes it appear fuller than it is (it's been thinning lately - sad, sad for me -- i feel her pain on that front) and, well, it's just really uncomfortable being around her today.
And like I said above, this sort of thing is something I can imagine a lot of older moms feel around their daughters. Seeing your youth in their faces but you now in your latter years. I suppose if you are living a fulfilling life, in a happy, thriving marriage, or if widowed or divorced, really enjoying time with family, friends and yourself, then those kind of ugly emotions wouldn't rear their head as strongly as I'm experiencing with my mom right now. However, she is severely unhappy with her marriage, severely suspicious of most family and friends (everyone has an agenda and is out to use her) and severely unhappy with her own self-image, the choices she's made, and I believe, in many ways, the God she serves.
She's lived a hard life. I'll go into that in later blog entries. And the hardness of the situations that she's lived through has caused a sort of hardening on the inside. True joy belies here. I see glimpses of it with Jonathan and sometimes when she spends time with a couple of girlfriends that she likes and respects. But she's starved for affection, tangible acts of love from a man who cares for her with all is heart and mind and doesn't have a divided heart - a man she can trust, or who is at least repentant for the wrongs she feels have been enacted against her by him (my dad). She's living in a shell of pain, regret, resentment, anger and contempt and they all touch her interactions with others - especially those in her immediate circle.
My prayer for her is RELEASE. Release from all the internal pain and unrest, and that the Lord pour out in her heart His love, His devotion, His care. That she have a renewed longing to be in fellowship with other believers (for her church has disappointed her to the extent that she no longer wants to attend any church or even really pick up her Bible, save for the 60 minutes of study time that takes place with the Senior Citizens Bible Study on Tuesdays). However, what's most needed is simply fellowship with the Father. To be refreshed and renewed by Him, and, through His love, be able to forgive my father and others who have hurt her, and move forward with compassion and empathy for their weaknesses. To be able to pray for them rather than condemn them. To release them to the Father so that He can work out a plan of redemption in their lives.
That's my prayer.
For now, I'll avoid her as much as possible:-), and pray that the prayer I submitted yesterday about being gentle in my responses to her is answered- whenever we do, by chance, run into each other during the course of the day.
Oh - gonna leave with this question to you, Lord: On acceptance to RU, maybe I should move into a place with me and Jonathan? Can you let me know what you think about that?:-) Thanks!!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Encouraging others throught the fruit of the Spirit
It's a beautiful spring day - well, sorta. A tad bit warmer than usual (46 degrees) and the sun is visiting us intermittently, AND it's dry. No rain, no snow. So, yeah, it's a beautiful day. However, even if all those things were not happening, it would be a beautiful day, for it's one more day in the Lord. One more day for me to learn more about Him and His ways. One more day for me to become more of the me that He created me to be and to learn how to like the me that I already am.
It's a beautiful day!
I had a devotion today from Girlfriends in God about how to be an encourager. It was written by Mary Southerland, whose devotions I typically avoid cause she tends to bring a HARD word, i.e., admonishment, correction, etc.. To me, many times she can be a bit discouraging, so for her to write about how to be an encourager - well, I took it with a grain of salt after reading the title. However, it turned out to be a great lesson. One I truly need to apply to my life.
I've believed myself to be pretty encouraging. I enjoy lifting folks up, bringing a good, kind word - supporting folks when they're trying a new thing. I like to be the rah rah friend, the "You can do it!!" friend. However, I like to be that person when it's MOST convenient for me to do so. I'm quite stingy, stingy, stingy with my time. After all, I need most of it to focus on encouraging and thinking about myself:-). Yeah, it's that mind-numbing, navel-gazing self-focus that has gotten in the way of me being a consistent, when the Lord directs it, encourager. After reading this devotion, I know now, that through Christ, such a way of being needs to change.
So, I'm asking and believing that the Lord will move in me to lend myself - my time - to others more readily. To not avoid phone calls (or ignore them) and to not neglect returning calls that I miss. To actually dial a person up now and then to hear how they're doing. To pay folks a visit who I've promised to visit (um, such as visiting Kenny and Laura this weekend). I need the Lord to move through me. To enable me. It's only by His power that such a change can happen.
This extends to my parents and Jonathan, who tend to get the brunt of my selfishness. I'm good at letting Jonathan just do his own thing while I nit-pick about stuff concerning me, myself and I. I'm great at totally ignoring my mother when she's talking to me or rolling my eyes when my father attempts to make conversation, particularly when I"m trying to watch an episode of House Hunters or some other mindless HGTV show. Lord forgive me and continue to conform me to your way of loving others - encouraging others.
So, as an additional step in taking on this better way, Mary Southerland requested that readers write out the list of the fruit that the Spirit is able to display through our lives and ways in which the Lord can enable me to bless others by that fruit. Lord, help me to be complete, authentic, and loving as I complete this task!
Love & Kindness - Lord, enable me to love my father where he is at - to display that love in a very clear and tangible way. Keep me from being rude or put-off by him. He truly is desperate for someone to hear him and regard him with love and kindness. During this period that I am not working and have more free time to spend with him, help me to build a stronger relationship and friendship with him, and let your love and kindness flow through me to him.
Peace - Lord, you have impressed Kay upon my heart as someone who is in desperate need of true peace in his life that is separate from his work, his responsibilities, his recreation - himself. I'm not really sure how I can help him to experience that peace other than to remember him in prayer - regularly - concerning this need...to declare over his life your peace that surpasses human understanding and to request that it flow through his life in a transformative way, so transformative that it leads him back (or maybe for the first time) to a truly abiding relationship with you, a thriving relationship that reflects a life of repentance and a commitment to pursuing holiness in all areas.
Goodness & Joy - Lord, please show me a tangible way to return to Zarida the goodness she has extended to me and Jonathan. My mind draws a blank, but I know that you know a way that will truly bless her and bring her great joy.
Faithfulness - Lord, Lolita needs to experience in a fresh and real way just how faithful you are - have been - and will be in her life! Lord, may giving her the book "Your Best Life Now" open her eyes to the myriad of ways in which she can depend on you and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that IN YOU she has all that she needs to accomplish EVERYTHING You are calling her to accomplish. You are mighty God and You know her and all her abilities - her strengths and her weaknesses. You love her just the way she is and can use her RIGHT now. Help her to truly rest in Your faithfulness and to let Your power flow through her life. Give her a deep understanding that she IS CREATED IN YOUR IMAGE and there is INTRINSIC VALUE in that alone!
Gentleness - Lord, give me the ability to treat my mother with gentleness, even when she is sarcastic and sometimes negative in her comments and actions. Keep me from retorting in anger and harshness - to not be short with her. Give me the ability to be slow of speech - to THINK - before I reply and when I reply, if I reply, to do so in a gentle and sweet manner.
Patience & Self-Control - Lord, help me to exercise these fruits in my daily care and feeding of Jonathan. I tend to fly off the handle, due to my controlling and manipulative traits, and end up being so much more harsh with him when he does something I don't want him to do, or doesn't follow instructions I give him EXACTLY the way I want him to. Equip me to be loving and kind to him when I correct him. Help me to discipline him in the loving way that you discipline me.
It's a beautiful day!
I had a devotion today from Girlfriends in God about how to be an encourager. It was written by Mary Southerland, whose devotions I typically avoid cause she tends to bring a HARD word, i.e., admonishment, correction, etc.. To me, many times she can be a bit discouraging, so for her to write about how to be an encourager - well, I took it with a grain of salt after reading the title. However, it turned out to be a great lesson. One I truly need to apply to my life.
I've believed myself to be pretty encouraging. I enjoy lifting folks up, bringing a good, kind word - supporting folks when they're trying a new thing. I like to be the rah rah friend, the "You can do it!!" friend. However, I like to be that person when it's MOST convenient for me to do so. I'm quite stingy, stingy, stingy with my time. After all, I need most of it to focus on encouraging and thinking about myself:-). Yeah, it's that mind-numbing, navel-gazing self-focus that has gotten in the way of me being a consistent, when the Lord directs it, encourager. After reading this devotion, I know now, that through Christ, such a way of being needs to change.
So, I'm asking and believing that the Lord will move in me to lend myself - my time - to others more readily. To not avoid phone calls (or ignore them) and to not neglect returning calls that I miss. To actually dial a person up now and then to hear how they're doing. To pay folks a visit who I've promised to visit (um, such as visiting Kenny and Laura this weekend). I need the Lord to move through me. To enable me. It's only by His power that such a change can happen.
This extends to my parents and Jonathan, who tend to get the brunt of my selfishness. I'm good at letting Jonathan just do his own thing while I nit-pick about stuff concerning me, myself and I. I'm great at totally ignoring my mother when she's talking to me or rolling my eyes when my father attempts to make conversation, particularly when I"m trying to watch an episode of House Hunters or some other mindless HGTV show. Lord forgive me and continue to conform me to your way of loving others - encouraging others.
So, as an additional step in taking on this better way, Mary Southerland requested that readers write out the list of the fruit that the Spirit is able to display through our lives and ways in which the Lord can enable me to bless others by that fruit. Lord, help me to be complete, authentic, and loving as I complete this task!
Love & Kindness - Lord, enable me to love my father where he is at - to display that love in a very clear and tangible way. Keep me from being rude or put-off by him. He truly is desperate for someone to hear him and regard him with love and kindness. During this period that I am not working and have more free time to spend with him, help me to build a stronger relationship and friendship with him, and let your love and kindness flow through me to him.
Peace - Lord, you have impressed Kay upon my heart as someone who is in desperate need of true peace in his life that is separate from his work, his responsibilities, his recreation - himself. I'm not really sure how I can help him to experience that peace other than to remember him in prayer - regularly - concerning this need...to declare over his life your peace that surpasses human understanding and to request that it flow through his life in a transformative way, so transformative that it leads him back (or maybe for the first time) to a truly abiding relationship with you, a thriving relationship that reflects a life of repentance and a commitment to pursuing holiness in all areas.
Goodness & Joy - Lord, please show me a tangible way to return to Zarida the goodness she has extended to me and Jonathan. My mind draws a blank, but I know that you know a way that will truly bless her and bring her great joy.
Faithfulness - Lord, Lolita needs to experience in a fresh and real way just how faithful you are - have been - and will be in her life! Lord, may giving her the book "Your Best Life Now" open her eyes to the myriad of ways in which she can depend on you and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that IN YOU she has all that she needs to accomplish EVERYTHING You are calling her to accomplish. You are mighty God and You know her and all her abilities - her strengths and her weaknesses. You love her just the way she is and can use her RIGHT now. Help her to truly rest in Your faithfulness and to let Your power flow through her life. Give her a deep understanding that she IS CREATED IN YOUR IMAGE and there is INTRINSIC VALUE in that alone!
Gentleness - Lord, give me the ability to treat my mother with gentleness, even when she is sarcastic and sometimes negative in her comments and actions. Keep me from retorting in anger and harshness - to not be short with her. Give me the ability to be slow of speech - to THINK - before I reply and when I reply, if I reply, to do so in a gentle and sweet manner.
Patience & Self-Control - Lord, help me to exercise these fruits in my daily care and feeding of Jonathan. I tend to fly off the handle, due to my controlling and manipulative traits, and end up being so much more harsh with him when he does something I don't want him to do, or doesn't follow instructions I give him EXACTLY the way I want him to. Equip me to be loving and kind to him when I correct him. Help me to discipline him in the loving way that you discipline me.
Monday, March 25, 2013
God's Unmatchless Mercy and Grace
Day 1 - Email Testimony:
I'm writing this email before the fact. It's an act of faith on my part. I'm inspired in part by all the examples of Jesus performing miracles in the lives of so many in the Gospel (and even now today, as He lives and reigns with our Father in heaven) primarily because they simply believed that He could before He did. They took Him at His word when He said "Have faith in God...whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11:22-24). In another instance, He said, "Do not be unbelieving but believing." (John 20:27). And yet in another place, "With man it is impossible, but not with God, with God all things are possible." (Mark 10:27). And finally, "Ask and it will be given to you, see and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7-8). So, this email is a pronouncement before the fact of God's immeasurable mercy and grace extended toward me in enabling me to be accepted into the Rutgers University PhD program in Organizational Management, as part of the class that begins in the Fall of 2013.
I said I was inspired in part of to make this declaration of faith by the scriptures in the Gospel. The other part that has encouraged me is the many words spoken to me in the devotions I've received over the past week, the powerful words written by Pastor Steven Furtick in his book, Greater, and words of encouragement that I've recently, but probably more applicably absorbed through finally reading the paperback version of Joel Osteen's, Your Best Life Now (in the past, I had only listened to an abridged, audio-book version).
All these have worked together to help amplify the promises in the Bible that I've been blessed to read over the past two months during my church's (www.liquidchurch.com) 40-Day Challenge to read the totality of the NT. The challenge ends on Good Friday and it's been an amazing journey! If you have never read the NT word for word, I highly encourage you to do so. In my 45 years of life, I had never done so before, and oh how much I did NOT know that I thought I knew. If there are major take aways that I have received through this time is that our God - the Living God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth - is faithful, He is true, He is powerful, and He loves us with an inescapable love. We can depend on Him and HE DOES PERFORM miracles. He is our comfort, our shield, and our Guide. He is AWESOME and all glory is due Him - ALWAYS.
I wanted to write this email so that when what I am hoping does come to pass, our great God will indeed get all the glory and honor and praise for working out what only He could because He is merciful, loving and kind. Period. It was not due to ANY merit or ability on my part. This I know only too well. Why?
1. RU was my LAST choice, so I was a bit neglectful in doing a very proper edit of the materials that I submitted. As a result, I noticed that my essay had two glaring errors: a missing period on the very last sentence and two missing words in a sentence earlier in the essay. It is only by God's grace and favor that I was accepted into a PhD program with such egregious errors on my application.
2. I only scored a whopping 490 on the GMAT - about 170 points lower than the average GMAT score for most students accepted into the program.
3. Again, RU wasn't my first choice. My first choice was VCU (Virginia Commonwealth University), based primarily on some dreams that I had:-/ and my understanding of what I thought the program could offer ME. My second choice was Auburn University, which I sort of arbitrarily picked and massaged to fit - again- what I thought the program could offer me. The RU program was - well, at RU, and I had already done my time there as an undergraduate. It also appeared to want A LOT from me - something that in my naivety about enrolling in a PhD program appeared wanting. Through the wisdom of Christ, I now realize that it is exactly the school that will allow me to contribute the most to its PhD program as a student and an experienced professional, while also preparing me to be the scholar and academic I've been hoping to become for all these years. It's also smack dab in a location where the kind of support I'll need as a single mom, through family and friends, is at the ready. So, God knew what was best all along. This is just another reminder that I should NEVER lean on my own understanding (Pro 3:5-6).
4. Finally, I submitted the application with no academic recommendations. As this was about the 10th program I've applied to over the past 15 years, my ever willing Professor Herndl, from New Mexico State University, decided to not respond to my request for yet another recommendation. Fortunately, the Lord had placed in my heart that I should request a recommendation from the Executive Director who ran Habitat for Humanity of Tuscaloosa when I did my Americorps*Vista assignment. She gladly obliged. She actually is now an instructor at the University of Alabama, but I did not know that when I requested the recommendation. Anyway, if not for her recommendation, I would not have had the requisite number of recommendations needed to apply to any of the schools that I applied to. Again, the Lord's favor flowing over my life.
So, with a great deal of humility I give Him my utmost thanks, for I know it is He alone who has enabled my acceptance into RU to happen. And honestly, that gives me even greater confidence that He will also carry me all the way through the 4 years of the program - me and Jonathan - just as He has carried me thus far, these 45+ years. I thank Him for this season of rest and preparation beforehand, so that once I'm in the thick of it, I'll be able to tap into that rest at will! I also thank Him for all those who encouraged me and told me that I would most certainly get into a program. Though I was greatly discouraged, especially when I received my GMAT scores and then those glaring application errors, I praise God for the kindness and prayers of others and above all HIS amazing words of truth, which have given me the ability to simply BELIEVE that HE CAN DO THE IMPOSSIBLE!
Thank you Jesus!!!
Day 2 - Acceptance Letter to RU:
Dear PhD Admissions Committee:
It is with great humility and honor that
I, Kim Ivey, graciously and enthusiastically accept your invitation to become a
member of the Rutgers Business School PhD program in Organizational Management,
starting in the Fall of 2013.
I’m truly looking forward to all that I
am about to encounter (well, maybe not the lack of sleepJ).
I have believed for a long time
that this is the path that I should take, one in which I can contribute the
most of who I am and will become, and the means by which I can best serve the
community, nation and the world. And in
a very personal way, I consider my pursuit of this PhD as an additional means
by which I can lay a positive and inspirational legacy for my son.
During my interview with the committee, I
was inspired and evermore encouraged in my quest to become a business scholar
and move into a new and invigorating career in academia. I am so grateful to the committee for granting
me the privilege to work under and alongside such a distinguished faculty, as
well as with current and future students who will contribute to the continued
excellence of the Rutgers Business School.
Again, thank you so much for this opportunity to pursue my doctoral
studies as part of such a prestigious program.
I’m about to take on the challenge of a
lifetime and I truly can’t wait to start the journey!
With Sincerest Regards,
Kim Ivey
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Don't talk so much
It's Sunday and we stayed home today to nurse Jonathan's cold. I believe he finally succumbed to one of the colds going around his preschool class. Every child in there seemed to have a runny nose last week. A bit nasty, I must admit. If Jonathan is still shooting out snot with every sneeze on Tuesday, I'll keep him home. I thank God for the luxury of being able to do that. Many of the children in his class don't have that option. Mom and Dad need to go to work outside the home and thus, they're at the mercy of Ms. Susan and Ms. Christina to ensure that their noses get cleaned. Clearly our sweet teachers don't have time to wipe the noses of every child in the class. So runny noses galore - hurrah, hurrah (yuck!)
Anyway, I felt that this is a good time to catch up on where things are in my life. Not much progression. Two rejections from Auburn and VCU in terms of the PhD in Bizness programs. A bit disappointing, but I'm seeing now - or should I say "feeling now" - that that might not be the direction beyond IBM the Lord has for me. I don't know - I still have Rutgers, so the Lord might have some miracle up His sleeve there. I rejoice in His mighty work whatever the outcome. Ultimately, I still don't know what the exact direction is but that's also something that I've been learning that I need to simply rest in the Lord about and to stop striving to figure it all out.
And, indeed, everything has been pointing in that direction: All of the reading in our 40-Day Challenge of the NT (awesome)...our discussions in the small study group with three fantastic women of God - Kathie, Corey and Bic (what a blessing they are and how grateful to God I am for the courage He gave me to follow through on His prompting to lead this group)...my devotions over the last month, but particularly the last week; so many pointing to simply waiting, resting, and spending time with the Lord... and even today, the word from Pastor Prince on TV was about the fact that what God considers most Holy is the act of REST and that we should labor only to ENTER that REST. When we do, He is able to flow through our lives with a graceful ease - bringing to us all those things we try to strategize, plan, and work for.
And then Pastor Osteen pointed out another thing the Lord has placed on my heart recently, which is to listen to His still small voice as we rest - to follow through on those impressions that He gives us that many times we simply dismiss. For example, recently I needed gas and I sensed I should not go to my regular gas station but wait till I got on Route 27, where I was about to travel. However, in my impatience I decided to go to my regular spot. Well, when I got on Route 27, there were about 3 stations that were selling gas from 10 to 12 cents less than what I paid. Needless to say, I was disgusted with myself. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I have to listen, listen, listen. Leaving IBM was an act of listening. Moving back to NJ was an act of listening. When I do, His blessings flow. When I don't, it's as if I tie up His hands - I block His mighty, miraculous working power.
The goal must be for Him to be absolutely, utterly, completely, without doubt, glorified in my life. That happens through rest. He can be glorified through my care of Jonathan - not thwarted by my anxiety, impatience, selfishness, self-centeredness, or striving to be a "great" mom in my own, mediocre power.
He can be glorified in whatever work He eventually places before me beyond this time of focused rest after IBM. He has impressed upon me what that work will be and for now I shall keep that between Himself and I. It is hard for me to accept because of the open-endedness of it all and because there is no way that I can add my own effort to it to make it come to pass. I have to simply do the things He's told me to do: spend quiet time with Him early in the morning, read the books He's led me to read, continue in my work with the small group, write regularly in my blog, and spend more time communicating with my dad. However, the number one thing is the time with Him - just basking in His presence and listening for next steps. To not try to plan out my next move. To not worry how anything will be funded, how things will happen. So, that takes my hands off worrying about how I'll extend my funds until August 2014 - the time period I strongly sense that I'm to wait on Him and be led of Him to that next thing. He is preparing me in the interim. He'll take care of preschool, summer, fall, winter clothes, healthcare payments, food, recreational stuff, my vehicle, tithes, offerings and miscellaneous and regular expenses. He'll take care of them. Me: Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these other things will be given to you.
So, that's where I'm at, on the 24th day of March 2013 - 17 months more to go till August 2014. I've been thinking about primary school teaching (maybe 3rd grade with an ESL certification). Now, I'm not foolish, so I will research, but my research will be spirit led. If a door opens, I'll walk through it. If there's another direction, I'll take that. I simply know that the thing I mentioned about that He's impressed upon me is THE work - the primary work. There is simply preparation involved so that in that work He is MOST glorified. I will rest as Lazarus rested until Christ came to resurrect Him to new life - for indeed we worship a Savior who IS the Resurrection and the life. In Him I move, and breathe, and have my meaning. In Him, there is a future and a hope. I will only find it through this intense time of resting, that will prepare me to be able in that next thing, to enter that rest at will.
Thank you, Jesus!
P.S. I sense that one of the books I'm to read - and this just came to me after putting it away for the 100th time after Jonathan pulled it off the shelf - the only book he keeps pulling off my newly installed bookshelf - is Joel Osteen's "Your Best LIfe Now". I never finished reading the book. Instead, I listened to the book on audio, which was a blessing. However, I suppose I need to actually read the paperback version from cover to cover. So, after I finish this awesome book I'm reading now called "Greater", I'll dig into "Best Life". Not sure what new thing the Lord will speak to me through reading it, but I look forward to the journey.
Again - Thank you, Jesus!
P.S. P.S. I forgot! My title to this post is based on info from my Meditations devotion today. It truly encapsulates what the Lord is doing in my life and how He desires me to live with Him - how He desires ALL of His followers to live with Him:
Click to read: Ecclesiastes 5:2
Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.
Don't talk so much. Maybe your parents told you that as a kid. Maybe your spouse tells you that now. Maybe your coworkers tell it to you. Whether you've heard it or haven't, it's good advice from scripture when you are in God's presence. Our viewpoint is so limited. We are on earth. We see things from an earthly perspective. We think earthbound thoughts.
Peter was like this when Jesus was transfigured. He blurts out, "Lord, it is good for us to have been here. Let us build three tabernacles. One for you; one for Moses and one for Elijah." Jesus didn't even respond to that statement. Instead, a cloud covered the group, and the voice of God spoke a heavenly viewpoint: "This is my beloved Son. Hear Him." Call it a mild rebuke, but God was essentially saying, "It's not what you say that really matters here, Peter. LISTEN!"
We are so self-centered that even when we do break through the lack of discipline and begin in earnest to have a prayer life, we naturally assume that it is what WE have to say that is all important. God simply wants us to learn to kneel, to listen, to learn from Him. He has the plan of the ages. He has the plan for your life. You'll never learn it by talking, but you will learn a great deal by listening to Him instead.
Be blessed.
Craig Thompson
Anyway, I felt that this is a good time to catch up on where things are in my life. Not much progression. Two rejections from Auburn and VCU in terms of the PhD in Bizness programs. A bit disappointing, but I'm seeing now - or should I say "feeling now" - that that might not be the direction beyond IBM the Lord has for me. I don't know - I still have Rutgers, so the Lord might have some miracle up His sleeve there. I rejoice in His mighty work whatever the outcome. Ultimately, I still don't know what the exact direction is but that's also something that I've been learning that I need to simply rest in the Lord about and to stop striving to figure it all out.
And, indeed, everything has been pointing in that direction: All of the reading in our 40-Day Challenge of the NT (awesome)...our discussions in the small study group with three fantastic women of God - Kathie, Corey and Bic (what a blessing they are and how grateful to God I am for the courage He gave me to follow through on His prompting to lead this group)...my devotions over the last month, but particularly the last week; so many pointing to simply waiting, resting, and spending time with the Lord... and even today, the word from Pastor Prince on TV was about the fact that what God considers most Holy is the act of REST and that we should labor only to ENTER that REST. When we do, He is able to flow through our lives with a graceful ease - bringing to us all those things we try to strategize, plan, and work for.
And then Pastor Osteen pointed out another thing the Lord has placed on my heart recently, which is to listen to His still small voice as we rest - to follow through on those impressions that He gives us that many times we simply dismiss. For example, recently I needed gas and I sensed I should not go to my regular gas station but wait till I got on Route 27, where I was about to travel. However, in my impatience I decided to go to my regular spot. Well, when I got on Route 27, there were about 3 stations that were selling gas from 10 to 12 cents less than what I paid. Needless to say, I was disgusted with myself. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I have to listen, listen, listen. Leaving IBM was an act of listening. Moving back to NJ was an act of listening. When I do, His blessings flow. When I don't, it's as if I tie up His hands - I block His mighty, miraculous working power.
The goal must be for Him to be absolutely, utterly, completely, without doubt, glorified in my life. That happens through rest. He can be glorified through my care of Jonathan - not thwarted by my anxiety, impatience, selfishness, self-centeredness, or striving to be a "great" mom in my own, mediocre power.
He can be glorified in whatever work He eventually places before me beyond this time of focused rest after IBM. He has impressed upon me what that work will be and for now I shall keep that between Himself and I. It is hard for me to accept because of the open-endedness of it all and because there is no way that I can add my own effort to it to make it come to pass. I have to simply do the things He's told me to do: spend quiet time with Him early in the morning, read the books He's led me to read, continue in my work with the small group, write regularly in my blog, and spend more time communicating with my dad. However, the number one thing is the time with Him - just basking in His presence and listening for next steps. To not try to plan out my next move. To not worry how anything will be funded, how things will happen. So, that takes my hands off worrying about how I'll extend my funds until August 2014 - the time period I strongly sense that I'm to wait on Him and be led of Him to that next thing. He is preparing me in the interim. He'll take care of preschool, summer, fall, winter clothes, healthcare payments, food, recreational stuff, my vehicle, tithes, offerings and miscellaneous and regular expenses. He'll take care of them. Me: Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these other things will be given to you.
So, that's where I'm at, on the 24th day of March 2013 - 17 months more to go till August 2014. I've been thinking about primary school teaching (maybe 3rd grade with an ESL certification). Now, I'm not foolish, so I will research, but my research will be spirit led. If a door opens, I'll walk through it. If there's another direction, I'll take that. I simply know that the thing I mentioned about that He's impressed upon me is THE work - the primary work. There is simply preparation involved so that in that work He is MOST glorified. I will rest as Lazarus rested until Christ came to resurrect Him to new life - for indeed we worship a Savior who IS the Resurrection and the life. In Him I move, and breathe, and have my meaning. In Him, there is a future and a hope. I will only find it through this intense time of resting, that will prepare me to be able in that next thing, to enter that rest at will.
Thank you, Jesus!
P.S. I sense that one of the books I'm to read - and this just came to me after putting it away for the 100th time after Jonathan pulled it off the shelf - the only book he keeps pulling off my newly installed bookshelf - is Joel Osteen's "Your Best LIfe Now". I never finished reading the book. Instead, I listened to the book on audio, which was a blessing. However, I suppose I need to actually read the paperback version from cover to cover. So, after I finish this awesome book I'm reading now called "Greater", I'll dig into "Best Life". Not sure what new thing the Lord will speak to me through reading it, but I look forward to the journey.
Again - Thank you, Jesus!
P.S. P.S. I forgot! My title to this post is based on info from my Meditations devotion today. It truly encapsulates what the Lord is doing in my life and how He desires me to live with Him - how He desires ALL of His followers to live with Him:
Click to read: Ecclesiastes 5:2
Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.
Don't talk so much. Maybe your parents told you that as a kid. Maybe your spouse tells you that now. Maybe your coworkers tell it to you. Whether you've heard it or haven't, it's good advice from scripture when you are in God's presence. Our viewpoint is so limited. We are on earth. We see things from an earthly perspective. We think earthbound thoughts.
Peter was like this when Jesus was transfigured. He blurts out, "Lord, it is good for us to have been here. Let us build three tabernacles. One for you; one for Moses and one for Elijah." Jesus didn't even respond to that statement. Instead, a cloud covered the group, and the voice of God spoke a heavenly viewpoint: "This is my beloved Son. Hear Him." Call it a mild rebuke, but God was essentially saying, "It's not what you say that really matters here, Peter. LISTEN!"
We are so self-centered that even when we do break through the lack of discipline and begin in earnest to have a prayer life, we naturally assume that it is what WE have to say that is all important. God simply wants us to learn to kneel, to listen, to learn from Him. He has the plan of the ages. He has the plan for your life. You'll never learn it by talking, but you will learn a great deal by listening to Him instead.
Be blessed.
Craig Thompson
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)