It's a bit uncanny. Whenever I get the inkling to follow through on my "sense" that marriage is impending, I end up being contacted by a man whom I have dismissed as being marriage material. I'll just state his initials here - P B. Also, I tend to dream about him right before he contacts me. Strange. Early this morning he was in one of my dreams. I chalked it up to seeing a gentleman on House Hunters last night who reminded me so much of P B. Typically, when I make a strong connection like that, it seeps into my subconscious and I end up dreaming about the connected person or situation. Nonetheless, I didn't think that he would contact me today. I should have assumed it would happen. It always happens like that.
Why have I dismissed him? I've seen a side of him that can be rough - intimidating - even scary. And yet, he can also be quite tender, thoughtful. I believe in the safety of a loving relationship, where he really feels cared for and valued, he would give his partner the world. In a way, like many of the guys I've dated in the past, he's a loner and lonely - he's seeking a sense of belonging and acceptance for who he is. However, I'm not sure I can handle coddling him AND a small child AND pursuing the next thing the Lord has for me vocation-wise. Plus, the intimidating part of him: That gives me pause most of all. We've had a couple of conversations in the past that really put me off. I consider those red flags. Big red flags.
So, if indeed P B is the one that I believe I'm destined to connect with before the end of the year - God's agreed upon life mate with whom, on 4/20/13, I will come into consecrated, covenant marriage - well, I'm gonna have to KNOW in my spirit that that is the case...just an unquestionable YES from the Holy Spirit, without doubt or reservation. He's gonna have to display something of a change in his character when we speak and interact over the course of this next month, a change that I can conclude is genuine, authentic, transparent and honest. No games. No pretense. Real.
Lord, I need to see this in P B...and I need to reflect that back to him, so that we can both objectively assess what the heck this keepin' on keepin' on comin' into each others life for these past 6 years is all about.
And honestly - what does it mean?
One thing I can reflect on - that continues to warm my heart about this gentleman - well, there are actually a few things, is the care he showed me in the wake of my pregnancy with Jonathan. He offered to come along side us - to care for Jonathan as his own. I dismissed it. I remembered one of our sour conversations of several months before and thought, no way do I want to get hooked into a long-term relationship with someone who has what I deemed a Jekyll and Hyde sort of personality.
He also showed my mother much tenderness before her knee surgery and after. And he's been amazingly sweet to Jonathan. And Jonathan likes him.
Finally, he's raised two sons closely with his first wife and another from a distance (though she did have to take him to court so that he would pay child support - but he has managed to build a relationship with the young man - a good relationship - so I have to give him props) - and all three boys are law-abiding citizens, college graduates, haven't made any babies out of wedlock, are upstanding, good men.
And P B has made strides in his own way toward a deeper, more abiding relationship with Christ. However, being knitted to a good, Bible-believing church, giving and tithing regularly, serving in his community (well, his job is a huge service, so I'll give him that), and being accountable to mature, Godly males (that's probably the biggest one for me) is a bit lacking. And I'm not sure that he really has any good, good male friends. His loner side and the kind of work that he does seems to have gotten in the way of that happening. Nevertheless, accountability is something that I need to see. No man is an island. He needs to get connected.
So, that's that for now. I'll re-post later on how this thing is going. Maybe after our Friday convo I'll just return to the place I've always been with him and chalk it up as a false alarm -- the real deal is still on his way before year-end 2012. Or maybe he is the one -- and crazy as it sounds, I could find myself spending the rest of my life with the one who has seemingly kept arriving to take that place but the timing just wasn't right. Maybe now it is...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
End to the beginning
So, in about 2 weeks I will end my regular work time as an IBM-er. It's finally about to happen. All my complaints about my work being an ill-fit...the struggles to do my tasks, especially in the wake of Jonathan's birth...the sense that the anointing upon me to do the work had been lifted - well, the door is now open for me to take a deep breath and move forward into whatever might be the Lord's desire for my life - my life with Jonathan - in 2013 and beyond.
Nonetheless, leaving is sad.
I didn't imagine it would be this sad. I'm not wallowing in grief, but there's a light fog hovering over my expectations and anticipations for the future - a fog of ennui and remembrances of what IS so good about IBM and so great about the work that the Lord accomplished through me in the company and all the marvelous people that He blessed me to work with, be mentored by and to work under. It's been a glorious ride. A lot of pain - some significant pain over the past 7 years as a PM - a few episodes prior during my season with z/OS, but a lot of joy too. I particularly am sad to leave my current team - just an amazing and beautiful group of individuals. And yes, there's a lot of change afoot. Three people have already left in the past year and they're bringing in a slew of new, international energy from India. The team will be different. It'll work differently, it'll engage with the product, our deliverables, and each other differently. I won't be a part of any of that change. It's my prayer that it'll ultimately be for the VERY best for everyone involved...that all strategic plans are a hit and that the years ahead for ID and Platform - or should I say, Cloud Management (its new incarnation) are the best years yet.
For me - I pray the same: That the best is yet to come.
I sense that there are opportunities being set up - doors opening - avenues to travel - that I would never encounter if I stayed at IBM. The Lord confirmed to me way back in March that it was time - time to move on. He gave me a specific word (see this Blog post), so I don't have to doubt that what I'm about to do is right - for this time - right for me - and agreed to by the Lord almighty. Every step beyond that rhema word has been further confirmation - down to the fact that I'm able to leave in December as I believed I would, and that He is supplying a bit of bounty as I leave through a package and unemployment.
Last night, I also sensed a renewed calling to pray about marriage...that marriage is indeed part of His overall plan for Jonathan and I in 2013 and to believe that it will come to pass, literally, in the 1st half of the year. It will be part of the massive shift that is occurring in my life at this time. Maybe I'm foolish. However, yesterday when I went to read my scripture for the day it said this (and my iPhone Bible is still saying this today because the app is frozen on the entry):
"This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and He'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks." John 16:24 (MSG)
It jolted me -- another goosebump time for me - another rhema word. Similar to the word to leave IBM at the end of the year. Similar to the PhD Project email soliciting me to finish my application even though I had decided that a PhD in Management really wasn't for me. Similar to doing more investigation and realizing that the specialization of organizational management IS a good fit for me. Similar to the prophetic dreams about Virginia in October - seeing VerRonda and Will in a field of green, trees behind, looking happy and in love - yet at the time, to my knowledge, not at all in that state - only a few days later to receive a baby shower invite with a beautiful pic displaying exactly what I dreamed - a dream that had prompted me to check out potential schools in VA only to discover that THE school I should apply to - Virginia Commonwealth - is located there. And similar to the fact that I was rejected by the Project, but it doesn't matter - VCU is not a supporting school - so my main reason to attend the conference - to connect with the chosen schools I was applying to - was null in void - and I can still meet reps from the school - AT THE SCHOOL itself - and get a train ride out of it for me and Jonathan and my mom - in January. Similar, Similar, Similar - in all the uncanny ways that the Lord tends to speaks to me.
It jolted me even further because yesterday was a very significant day in my life - quiet in it's impact and execution - yet, extremely, extremely significant: I was re-baptized.
Yes, finally, after years of promptings to do so, I followed through on the Lord's call to my heart. Well, maybe what I should say is that He pushed me to follow-through - I didn't do it on my own. He used a hurricane and an anointed word from Pastor Cuyler (our new Liquid New Brunz campus pastor who looks like Donnie Osmond - but oh so sweet!) to compel me to move forward as a true step of moving forward in Him for the rest of my life, in a new, concentrated, consecrated and submitted manner.
So, when I read that scripture, in light of what took place yesterday, I had to take it as an opportunity to follow through and ask - to craft specifically what I'm hoping for at least for 2013. And that is to be accepted into a PhD program in Biz - with VCU as my first choice - and to be married on a whole number date in April 2013 and to in fact connect with this life mate before the end of the calendar year, 2012. And weirdly, when I went to check a date on my iPhone calendar, I had already penciled in an expectant wedding date of 4/20/13. Strange? No, just one more God-incidence in what I believe will be a whole host of them over the next few months.
So, an end is about to take place. However, many new beginnings, as well. In the midst - many new changes in me - perfecting, equipping, cleansing, improving, celebrating, being...being His, being more present for Jonathan...being more loving, kind, giving, caring...being more me and liking that me, in all my imperfections and insecurities and weakness - being more IN HIM...and enjoying every minute of it.
Lord, have your way --- open me up to YOU and YOUR PLANS - help me to believe that I'm asking for those things that are in keeping with the things that you have revealed to me - PhD, Marriage, another Son, Travel, Writing, Serving. Help me to believe beyond belief and to keep on believing after that. I trust you and I love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Help me to make that clear to everyone around me through the life that I live because of YOU!
Nonetheless, leaving is sad.
I didn't imagine it would be this sad. I'm not wallowing in grief, but there's a light fog hovering over my expectations and anticipations for the future - a fog of ennui and remembrances of what IS so good about IBM and so great about the work that the Lord accomplished through me in the company and all the marvelous people that He blessed me to work with, be mentored by and to work under. It's been a glorious ride. A lot of pain - some significant pain over the past 7 years as a PM - a few episodes prior during my season with z/OS, but a lot of joy too. I particularly am sad to leave my current team - just an amazing and beautiful group of individuals. And yes, there's a lot of change afoot. Three people have already left in the past year and they're bringing in a slew of new, international energy from India. The team will be different. It'll work differently, it'll engage with the product, our deliverables, and each other differently. I won't be a part of any of that change. It's my prayer that it'll ultimately be for the VERY best for everyone involved...that all strategic plans are a hit and that the years ahead for ID and Platform - or should I say, Cloud Management (its new incarnation) are the best years yet.
For me - I pray the same: That the best is yet to come.
I sense that there are opportunities being set up - doors opening - avenues to travel - that I would never encounter if I stayed at IBM. The Lord confirmed to me way back in March that it was time - time to move on. He gave me a specific word (see this Blog post), so I don't have to doubt that what I'm about to do is right - for this time - right for me - and agreed to by the Lord almighty. Every step beyond that rhema word has been further confirmation - down to the fact that I'm able to leave in December as I believed I would, and that He is supplying a bit of bounty as I leave through a package and unemployment.
Last night, I also sensed a renewed calling to pray about marriage...that marriage is indeed part of His overall plan for Jonathan and I in 2013 and to believe that it will come to pass, literally, in the 1st half of the year. It will be part of the massive shift that is occurring in my life at this time. Maybe I'm foolish. However, yesterday when I went to read my scripture for the day it said this (and my iPhone Bible is still saying this today because the app is frozen on the entry):
"This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and He'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks." John 16:24 (MSG)
It jolted me -- another goosebump time for me - another rhema word. Similar to the word to leave IBM at the end of the year. Similar to the PhD Project email soliciting me to finish my application even though I had decided that a PhD in Management really wasn't for me. Similar to doing more investigation and realizing that the specialization of organizational management IS a good fit for me. Similar to the prophetic dreams about Virginia in October - seeing VerRonda and Will in a field of green, trees behind, looking happy and in love - yet at the time, to my knowledge, not at all in that state - only a few days later to receive a baby shower invite with a beautiful pic displaying exactly what I dreamed - a dream that had prompted me to check out potential schools in VA only to discover that THE school I should apply to - Virginia Commonwealth - is located there. And similar to the fact that I was rejected by the Project, but it doesn't matter - VCU is not a supporting school - so my main reason to attend the conference - to connect with the chosen schools I was applying to - was null in void - and I can still meet reps from the school - AT THE SCHOOL itself - and get a train ride out of it for me and Jonathan and my mom - in January. Similar, Similar, Similar - in all the uncanny ways that the Lord tends to speaks to me.
It jolted me even further because yesterday was a very significant day in my life - quiet in it's impact and execution - yet, extremely, extremely significant: I was re-baptized.
Yes, finally, after years of promptings to do so, I followed through on the Lord's call to my heart. Well, maybe what I should say is that He pushed me to follow-through - I didn't do it on my own. He used a hurricane and an anointed word from Pastor Cuyler (our new Liquid New Brunz campus pastor who looks like Donnie Osmond - but oh so sweet!) to compel me to move forward as a true step of moving forward in Him for the rest of my life, in a new, concentrated, consecrated and submitted manner.
So, when I read that scripture, in light of what took place yesterday, I had to take it as an opportunity to follow through and ask - to craft specifically what I'm hoping for at least for 2013. And that is to be accepted into a PhD program in Biz - with VCU as my first choice - and to be married on a whole number date in April 2013 and to in fact connect with this life mate before the end of the calendar year, 2012. And weirdly, when I went to check a date on my iPhone calendar, I had already penciled in an expectant wedding date of 4/20/13. Strange? No, just one more God-incidence in what I believe will be a whole host of them over the next few months.
So, an end is about to take place. However, many new beginnings, as well. In the midst - many new changes in me - perfecting, equipping, cleansing, improving, celebrating, being...being His, being more present for Jonathan...being more loving, kind, giving, caring...being more me and liking that me, in all my imperfections and insecurities and weakness - being more IN HIM...and enjoying every minute of it.
Lord, have your way --- open me up to YOU and YOUR PLANS - help me to believe that I'm asking for those things that are in keeping with the things that you have revealed to me - PhD, Marriage, another Son, Travel, Writing, Serving. Help me to believe beyond belief and to keep on believing after that. I trust you and I love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Help me to make that clear to everyone around me through the life that I live because of YOU!
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