This was part of one of my devotions today:
It is so easy to lose perspective. How effortless it can be to place our emphasis on actions! We can feel that our success in the Kingdom of God is based on the deeds we’ve done. Sometimes we even feel guilty and inadequate if we haven’t received attention.Yes, God wants us to be kind and compassionate, to demonstrate His power and participate in ministry, to receive His blessing. But we must never lose sight of this fact: God first wants our personal, intimate fellowship. He wants us to walk with Him, not just once in a while, but every day.
It really touched me. I read it in the wake of some powerful teaching out of a Merlin Carothers book - Power in Praise - that I read last night. That teaching spoke also about being liberated from "works" or specific actions to gain merit in our Father's eyes. It's something that I continuously wrestle with -- it's the main reason why I started this blog: to be a regular place to relate my struggles with walking in the Grace and Mercy of God vs my striving to please Him through my own efforts.
Merlin spoke about how those of us who have received Christ AND asked for the in-filling of the Holy Spirit (to be saturated by the Spirit so that our lives are fully and completely surrendered to Jesus Christ - to do His will as He directs) should live in faith that we indeed HAVE this eternal salvation, this infilling, this eternal forgiveness, this eternal power through the Holy Sprit, this eternal authority in the name of Jesus, this eternal love - we have everything we need in Christ.
He encouraged praying in tongues, i.e., our personal prayer language, reiterating some former teaching I've received about how when we pray this way, the Holy Spriti is able to communicate directly to the Father things we could never utter on our own -- things not in our conscience minds, but deep in our subconscience. Also, we're able to intercede for others about things that we're not even aware of. In a nutshell, so much healing can take place in the life of an individual who exercises his/her prayer language, as well as in the lives of those near and dear to them.
There are so many people around me in need of prayer and I've been struggling to stay on track with those prayers or, when I remember, to know what to pray. So, I'm endeavoring to be consistent with my praying in tongues. To start the day and end the day in this manner. I expect to see some drastic and amazing changes taking place - in my work, my family, in the lives of my co-workers and friends, in my spirit and mind. I believe strongly that my neglecting to do so is the reason why I've been feeling so powerless and confused and discouraged lately.
Oh, Holy Spirit, how much I need for You to interecede for me and others with moanings and groanings only you can express!
Please have Your way - have Your way!!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Jonathan is 8 months old!! And he celebrated his first ever Halloween on October 31, 2011. Our wonderful friends in Tucson, Yoan, Jen and Sophie, were too sweet and sent Jonathan Sophie's first Halloween costume: Tigger from Winne the Pooh! We didn't go trick-or-treating. But we went out our usual evening stroll and watched the other trick-or-treaters in their costumes (or not -- that sorta irritates me that a lot of kids go out without any costumes and expect candy!). We also, as you can tell, took loads of pics on this special occassion:-).Oh, Jonathan, you look so scrumptious. You are still so incredibly wonderful, so incredibly happy, so incredibly smart, so incredibily energetic, so incredibly unique, so incredibly YOU! I praise God in my heart continuously for you. I want to shout it out every day -- YOU'RE the GREATEST! You've made my mediocre life great and I'm so grateful for God that He deemed me worthy to take care of you.
So, I have your images and a few comments about you in this personal blog that might at some point get aired out in public, public...maybe not. Anyway, I believe you really need your OWN blog. Something that reflects your sanguine nature and not your mom's melacholy/choleric nature:-/. So, mommy has a goal of starting a new blog just for you maybe for your 9 month milestone -- that would be equivalent to the 9 months you were in my belly and I think that would be quite appropo.
So, keep a look out for it Jon Asher (only I can call u that!). And let's pray that mommy is able to keep it up for the next 18 years -- Lord, bless me to keep it up for at least the next 18 years!
So here I am
A decision was finally made regarding me and my baby's dad. All the wrestling in my soul and heart over our situation - the pulling in me to stay in it -- the sense that there was a purpose in us continuing to be "together" in a "not so much what I had always envisioned for myself in a relationship with the father of my child" dealio. It all finally came to a head in mid-July. I knew that I had to either continue moving forward as we were - with no promise that we would ever truly be together in the legal, covenant sense of the word - and me essentially being in an adultrous relationship, since he was not moving toward divorce - and me knowing in my heart that to ask for or pray for divorce was not a pleasing petition to the Father (I couldn't get those words out of my mouth or even in a groaning prayer in my heart) - OR - I simply close the door on our conjugal tie and leave it at a co-parent relationship only. Cordial. Friendly. With hopes that my longing for him would dissipate over time.
The Lord worked it out for me.
It took about 21 days, but at the end, I was disentangled. I knew I would eventually be able to turn aside from what I was hoping to be, but likely never could.
One of my previous blog entries mentioned how someone's life was a stake in this whole situation. That was true. My life. I wish I could say that I had never slept with him again after our single daliance on 5/29/2010, which conceived our beautiful son. I still can't figure out why I didn't say no, withstand his advances when I was just 4-weeks post-partum. Why after heading to the emergency room later that evening because of sudden chills and a 103 degree temperature, clearly brought on by my body being shocked by that brief act (it was too painful and gory to finish -- sorry for being so graphic) - why did I still sleep with him again and again, each time intensely painful, each time my heart breaking open and spilling out around me because, though I felt a need to be entangled, I could sense that the entangling would eventually tie me up and and cast me into a sea of remorse and regret.
Indeed, that's where I ended up after the 21 days and still have to work on when those self-condemnation feelings come up -- the "Kim, why were you so foolish...what were you thinking??!" thoughts try to take over.
I'm not sure his professions of love were sincere. And I don't know if what I was feeling was love or just that crazy hormonol longing in the wake of having a child and really needing to be in a family way. I suppose I took our sleeping together to mean so much more. Now, in hindsight, I see what it essentially was: screwing. There was no love making there. It's impossible when the Holy Spirit who dwells within you is partaking in something that grieves Him so badly, when our Father can't enter in and be there in the midst as we connect, when our Saviour has to bow His head in intercession for us, as we ignore His very presence and the large sum that He paid for our bodies -- for we are not our own, we were brought with a price.
So I am here -- repented, forgiven, casting down all imaginations, and endeavoring to keep myself from self-condemnation, for there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus our Lord. A truth that I must live and believe.
I continue to pray for Jonathan's dad. I continue to thank the Lord that he is the father of my son, for he is a good man, and a caring man, in his own way, and a generous man. The Lord blessed Jonathan with a Godly heritage on both sides, a dad who is hard-working and responsible. I know that the Spirit of Truth that rose up in me and continues to sustain me in the wake of my decision - especially when old pangs of longing rear their messy heads - is also rising up in Jonathan's dad. That either he will take steps to reconcile with his ex and ressurrect their marriage, or they will go their separate ways, cordially, so that each can begin anew.
For me, my desire remains for family. For Jonathan and I to be knit with a man who I am suited to, who I can support and encourage, and who the Lord deems me to be his corresponding part- a man who loves the Lord and will live with me in understanding and love and care for Jonathan as if he is his very own. And yes, a man who will encourage and support my longing to take care of home & family as my primary occupation.
I'll continue to believe that by some miraculous move by God that this man will walk into my life and Jonathan and I into his - and very soon. That not by any works or good deeds or good behavior or perfect decision-making on my part, but simply by the Lord's mercy and grace extended to me and Jonathan. For that ENSURES that He gets all the glory, all the thanksgiving, and all the praise!
Belief takes a person far. "It's your faith..."as Jesus said so eloquently, so consistently, so frequently.
It's my faith...
The Lord worked it out for me.
It took about 21 days, but at the end, I was disentangled. I knew I would eventually be able to turn aside from what I was hoping to be, but likely never could.
One of my previous blog entries mentioned how someone's life was a stake in this whole situation. That was true. My life. I wish I could say that I had never slept with him again after our single daliance on 5/29/2010, which conceived our beautiful son. I still can't figure out why I didn't say no, withstand his advances when I was just 4-weeks post-partum. Why after heading to the emergency room later that evening because of sudden chills and a 103 degree temperature, clearly brought on by my body being shocked by that brief act (it was too painful and gory to finish -- sorry for being so graphic) - why did I still sleep with him again and again, each time intensely painful, each time my heart breaking open and spilling out around me because, though I felt a need to be entangled, I could sense that the entangling would eventually tie me up and and cast me into a sea of remorse and regret.
Indeed, that's where I ended up after the 21 days and still have to work on when those self-condemnation feelings come up -- the "Kim, why were you so foolish...what were you thinking??!" thoughts try to take over.
I'm not sure his professions of love were sincere. And I don't know if what I was feeling was love or just that crazy hormonol longing in the wake of having a child and really needing to be in a family way. I suppose I took our sleeping together to mean so much more. Now, in hindsight, I see what it essentially was: screwing. There was no love making there. It's impossible when the Holy Spirit who dwells within you is partaking in something that grieves Him so badly, when our Father can't enter in and be there in the midst as we connect, when our Saviour has to bow His head in intercession for us, as we ignore His very presence and the large sum that He paid for our bodies -- for we are not our own, we were brought with a price.
So I am here -- repented, forgiven, casting down all imaginations, and endeavoring to keep myself from self-condemnation, for there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus our Lord. A truth that I must live and believe.
I continue to pray for Jonathan's dad. I continue to thank the Lord that he is the father of my son, for he is a good man, and a caring man, in his own way, and a generous man. The Lord blessed Jonathan with a Godly heritage on both sides, a dad who is hard-working and responsible. I know that the Spirit of Truth that rose up in me and continues to sustain me in the wake of my decision - especially when old pangs of longing rear their messy heads - is also rising up in Jonathan's dad. That either he will take steps to reconcile with his ex and ressurrect their marriage, or they will go their separate ways, cordially, so that each can begin anew.
For me, my desire remains for family. For Jonathan and I to be knit with a man who I am suited to, who I can support and encourage, and who the Lord deems me to be his corresponding part- a man who loves the Lord and will live with me in understanding and love and care for Jonathan as if he is his very own. And yes, a man who will encourage and support my longing to take care of home & family as my primary occupation.
I'll continue to believe that by some miraculous move by God that this man will walk into my life and Jonathan and I into his - and very soon. That not by any works or good deeds or good behavior or perfect decision-making on my part, but simply by the Lord's mercy and grace extended to me and Jonathan. For that ENSURES that He gets all the glory, all the thanksgiving, and all the praise!
Belief takes a person far. "It's your faith..."as Jesus said so eloquently, so consistently, so frequently.
It's my faith...
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