A foundation of love

Jonathan turned 5 months on 7/24/2011. It's amazing how much he has changed in such a short amount of time. Above left is a picture of him in his hospital bed at just 1 day old, and to the right is a shot of him at just a couple of days shy of 5-months. He looked so much like his dad at birth, but now, he sometimes looks very much like my father and his mom (and I guess me to a certain degree). His looks morph, depending on the angle - he can be very much Ivey at certain angles and very much Oladeji at others. As mentioned in my initial blog about Jonathan, he is a perfect mixture of both families.

I guess you can see that he still has his hair - and then some! The Lord is so gracious to me. I hoped that if I had a boy, he would end up having one of those cool fros that Black babies are sometimes blessed with - and he indeed has one. And he's so good about getting his hair washed and combed out. The fro typically doesn't last all day - since my baby is so energetic and active: rolling, bouncing, climbing, jumping! He wears Nana out! But it's so becoming, and I would say that it's his crown of glory...that it gives him supernatural strength, not unlike Samson. I had plans to cut it after his first birthday, but now I'm thinking I might try to keep it a little longer. Of course, I'll have to see how Jonathan feels about that:-).

It's funny, I wrote Samson's name and it made me think about the origins of this OT character and the promise that was set upon his life. An Angel of the Lord (I believe the pre-incarnate Christ) visited Samson's parents and told them of this child that would be conceived, even though Samson's mom had been barren for many years. He was to be raised as a Nazarene, i.e., never to drink alcohol and his hair to never be cut...fully consecrated to the Lord. His parents were immensely grateful and I'm sure were overjoyed to see this prophecy come to pass. Their promised child was soon in their arms and they took it upon themselves, with great joy and pride, to raise him as instructed. And yet Samson still managed, in his pride and rebellion, to go his own way - over and over again - until it was ultimately his downfall.

I talk about Jonathan's hair being his strength in the same way that Samson's hair was. However, unlike Samson, I long for Jonathan to live the kind of consecrated life that Samson was created to live, but was unable to truly fulfill. I believe in my heart that Jonathan was birthed under similar cirucmstances (I was for all purposes a 'barren' woman) and under a similar promise.

Several years before getting pregnant, when I was still dreaming about being a mother, while at the same time a bit unsure that I was capable of the job - or sure that I really wanted it (longing - aversion, a constant merry-go-round in my head), I felt strongly in my heart that I would bear a child in my 44th year. I documented it in my journal at the time. And then in March of 2010, while doing my morning devotion, I was reading the passages in Genesis regarding the promise of a child to Abram and Sarai. I felt that the Lord was telling me that I too, at that time next year , would have a child (further confirmation about what I believed would happen in my 44th year of life). Later that day, I received an email devotion on the same passage in Genesis that I had read earlier. It gave me goosebumps. I cut it out and placed it in my journal, believing that what was spoken to my spirit would come to pass.

Of course I interpreted all this as a promise from the Lord that he'd soon be sending me a Godly husband. We'd have a fast courtship, be married by July, I'd get pregnant fast, and voila - my "this time next year" child would arrive! Clearly, the Lord had other plans. My promised child surely did arrive by "this time next year", but the Lord worked it out in a way that I can do nothing but give Him all the glory, honor and praise. Jonathan was sent to my life in a way that I would never have scripted. Praise God for his grace and soverign power over our lives!

I've already discussed the aftershocks of Jonathan's conception and birth; no need to continue with that here. I just wanted to provide some background regarding my strong belief that Jonathan is a child of promise...a child of the spirit, not of the flesh - similar to Samson, Isaac, even Samuel -all children that the Lord deemed necessary to come to this earth, for a specific work, that is above and beyond what the average person accomplishes. I believe this for Jonathan. I continue to declare that he will be an example of Godliness to his generation. A man after God's own heart. A man thirsty and hungry for the things of God...dutiful, kind, servant-hearted, walking in the fruit of the spirit - not perfect, but endeavoring to live unto the Father, and repentent and quick to turn when he does not.

For this to come to pass, I believe that, from an early age, he needs to know one thing and know it like he knows his name:

GOD LOVES HIM!

Yes, our Father loves him. Our father in heaven pursues him, loves and adores him, knew him before the foundations of the earth, hand-selected him to be born when he was born and into the family that he was born into, will use him for great things...that the Lord loves him unconditionally - regardless of what he does or does not do, accomplishes or does not accomplish - God loves him - and I love him, too. I want Jonathan to be awashed of this love, his heart and mind flooded with it -- for him to NEVER doubt that the Lord is near and will never leave or forsake him. I long for the Lord to enable me -to work through me - to convey these truths to Jonathan - somehow, someway, every day that I'm blessed to do so.

I don't know if there is anything more foundational to Jonathan becoming the man that i believe he'll become. To even enjoy childhood in the way that I hope he does - with rapt curiosity, energy, wisdom, joy and fun! There is freedom when you KNOW-- I mean, really KNOW that you are loved.

Oh, Lord God, enable me to shower Jonathan with kisses, to seek his forgiveness when I am wrong, to hug him till he can hardly breathe, to discipline him with love, to speak to him kindly, to pour out your wisdom, imparted through me, to him...to have fun with him, to laugh with him till it hurts, to cry with him when tears are the only answer to his pain, to pray with him about ALL things, to be still and quiet with him - to enjoy him - and to be blessed to see him walking IN that purpose that you have created for him. Lord, work this out for us, even in the feebleness of my sin-scarred life - through my poor decisions at times, my pride, my selfishness, my self-centerdness - all my weakness, use me to be that morsel of blessing in his life so that he walks into the world, as a grown man, knowing that I did ALL that I could, through the wonderworking love and power of Jesus Christ.

Lord, LOVE on Jonathan. Love him to bits - and make sure He knows it - always...

It is HOT -- time to rejoice in the blessings of AC

We're in the midst of a PAINFUL heatwave here in NJ. Actually, most of the country (30+ states) are suffering. 115-125 heat index kind of sweltering hot.

I rejoice in God's goodness!

For I remember as a little girl going through a similar heatwave with NO AC. Just a fan, propped in my window. I can still feel the oppresiveness of those excrutiating, sleepless nights.

So, right now, I'm feeling the favor and goodness of God in a remarkable way. I'm in an older home with room acs. Those rooms without ACs - the pain is acute. But the rooms with ACs, with ACs -- man! Praise You Lord God, for you are INDEED the giver of good things!

And Lord, I lift up a prayer for those who are suffering in the way that I did as a little girl. The elderly, the infant, the family, in a crowded home, without the means of cooling off. Comfort them - bring a special blessing of your calming, cooling presence - and bring relief soon, through more pleasant, bearable weather. You ARE the Lord of hosts and creator of all things. I believe that the heat is here to do your purpose. Yet, I beeseach you to expedite that purpose and bless us with lower temperatures, sweet summer breezes, and relief, relief, relief!

And as we wait for this relief, and anytime we find ourselves living through a period of discomfort, let's join City Harmonic in praising the great I AM and who His is -- even the Lord of our weather -- and always the God of all comfort who is worthy to be praised!!

Taking up my cross

It's late. Or maybe it's very early. 3:34 AM according to the clock on my laptop. I felt moved by the Lord to get out of bed and spend some time with Him. In prayer, in supplication, in angst, in pouring out my worries, fears, anxieties, in asking for forgiveness, in complaint, in heartbrokeness.

I get this devotion daily called meditiations. I felt to boot up the laptop to check to see what the message for today was about, today being Saturday 7/23/11 - one day short of Jonathan's 5-month birthday.

The lesson was on taking up our cross. Here is an excerpt:

Yes, He could have saved Himself. But in choosing NOT to save Himself, He was indeed choosing to save others. The choice was His. No one took His life from Him. He laid it down willingly.

Thus He calls us to do the same. Will you be mocked? Likely. Will you be misunderstood? No more than He was. It's your choice as well. Will you pick up your cross and follow Him? Your cross may mean someone else's deliverance.

I read this and went straight to google to get a few more viewpoints on this whole "Taking up the cross" thing that Christ Himself directed us to do. I wanted a better understanding of what "Your cross" means. Clearly it's distinct and different for each person -- He doesn't say, "the cross", "your brother's cross" or "your sister's cross", "your mama's cross" or "your daddy's cross". He says "his" cross, which I take as "your cross":

Mark 8:34 (NKJV) When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.

Mark 8:34 (MSG) Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

I like both translations, but the Message version really drives it home for me: Don't run from suffering and sacrifice self. The result: Finding my true self.

So what is my cross? I know for one it's the daily taking up the cross of a job which is not very satisfying to my flesh, but is something in which the Lord works in a mighty way, to His glory and greatness. I would like to drop it, but daily I pick it up, knowing that it is His will for my life right now. I don't stop hoping that this will change, but in obedience, I take it up - reluctantly, imperfectly, I take it up.

I've been wondering also about my "situation" with Jonathan's father. I call it a situation because it really can't be deemed a true relationship. He is still the husband of one wife, regardless of the fact that they no longer live together and have no affection toward each other in that way. They are two successful professionals, with assets and 3 children together -- these things preclude or possibly are barriers to them moving toward a true legal separation, i.e., divorce. And now, one in this arrangement - his wife - is setting down completely (after already, for several years, partly) - her career as an anethesiologist, to stay at home, full-time, to home school their two youngest children. They've agreed this is best.

It's ironic, considering that my huge desire is to do the same, but because of my "sin" so to speak -- and remaining in this "situation", it is something I can only pine and plead with the Lord to still in his grace and mercy bring to pass in my life. It's a miracle that I'm hoping for -- not a right, as in Kay's wife's case, to select.

I'm always reminded that she is his wife. He is her husband. I knew this before I laid down with him over a year ago for Jonathan's beautiful conception. I know it now after additional encounters of making love to him after Jonathan's birth.

So, is my cross the entering into a situation, after forbidding myself to do so in my former, still trying to get over "religious state" (for after our intial encounter, I pushed Kay away for the length of my pregnancy), where I don't really see a concrete end goal, i.e., marriage to this man that I am very much in love with -- an inexplicable love that's hard to describe but is real and significant to me?

Or would the cross be to walk away from our situation and just co-parent, while he and his estranged wife continue this arrangement they have until...I guess I don't know when.

I see myself carrying a cross either way. Neither decision is a cakewalk. Though one - leaving - would be easier. Staying, in truth, is the harder cross to bare.

In a previous blog entry, I wrote about "doing me" and feeling deeply that I should continue to walk this thing out...that the Lord is ultimately going to get the fullness of His glory through something that seems so not right to so many others - even my religious self. That He is perfecting and doing a work in Kay and I throught this. In this, I still believe, and it dovetails with the meditation comment above: Will you be mocked? Likely. Will you be misunderstood? No more than He was.

It dovetails with the message translation: Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self.

It doesn't make sense, but I believe that my cross to take up is to remain in this situation until it plays out as God directs...to continue to sacrifice myself and deny doing what would be the easier for me of the two choices - walking away. I do the walking away thing with great aplomb. Have done it several times. Being alone and not dealing with the complications inherent in relationship with someone who is as imperfect as me is easy. It would be a cross to bare, but nothing compared to the current cross of staying in this until God does what He needs to do in us. For I believe that He is, in some strange way that I can't understand, redemming the situation. Redeeming both me and Kay and using this to draw us to Him and cleanse and perfect each of us. That indeed, as mentioned in the meditiation, someone's deliverance could be at stake...

And you ask: How can you believe that when you are essentially in an act of adultry and practicing fornication, Kim? My sister, I think you are decieved...

I don't know. But He does. I keep having to tell myself that. He does. Just like, as I've said before, He knew that by allowing me to make the decision to lay down with Kay, the result would be the greatest blessing of my life outside of salvation - Jonathan. He knew.

Boldly He calls us to draw near to His throne of grace to recieve grace and mercy in our time of need (Hebrews 4). Daily He tells us to lift up our crosses. I think the two go together. Boldly seeking mercy and grace - Daily lifting up our cross. They need each other. One without the other makes for either a self-focused, "seeking only after his goodness of God" saint (if you limit yourself to seeking only his mercy and grace without taking up your cross) or a religious, judgmental, pharisee (if you only lift up your cross, without the cushion of his grace and mercy underneath to help you bare it).

I take up the cross of my job, but boldly seek his mercy and grace to help me bare it. I take up the cross of my entanglement, my situation, my love for Kay and all that's associated with it, including the sin of our sexual relations...the condition of his separation, and I boldly seek His redeeming mercy and grace to bare it.

That's where I am for now. It might change. What's most important is that we, Kay and I, will be changed through the baring and the seeking. And I will continue to believe that the change will be for the better - and to our Father's glory.

"What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

Everything I want is currently not in my hand - it never will be. In this situation with Kay, it most certainly is not - for what I want is to be married to him, our own little family, the picture perfect, nuclear thing...being a stay-at-home mom, with none of the complicaitons that I'm confronting now by being connected to him as I am now.

And yet, in each moment of this journey, I am finding my soul. I am. Weirdly, strangely, I am. And I'm finding the real me. Shaky, rickity, imperfect, but saved by grace, me.

If this personal, jagged cross I am taking up continues to allow my self discovery in Him to take place, then it's worth all the pain, suffering, longing for more, even the shame, embarressment, angst that goes along with it.

It is worth it...

Gungor "Beautiful Things"

I so LOVE this song! It expresses how I endeavor to see myself in my Father's eyes...in the comfort and rest of His loving arms...

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us

Do You

A few years ago Jada Pinkett Smith was recognized at either the Essence or NAACP Image Awards. I wish I had seen the broadcast, because I read that she did something quite profound when she accepted her award. She simply walked to the podium, took award in hand, leaned into the microphone and uttered these two simple words:

"Do you."

And then just walked off the stage.

Man...

I'm reflecting on that this evening because right now "doing me" seems pretty pitiful. It's the feeling I have when I find myself in the sorry state of comparing myself to those around me and then dealing with the emotional letdown because I always feel that that I fall incredibly short. Paul actually warns against the sin of comparison in 2 Cor 10:12 and yet, sadly, I find myself a victim of it over and over again.

At the root of this habit is my insecurity and at the root of that is my simple misunderstanding of who I am in Christ. I can't seem to incorporate the truth that in His eyes I am fine just as I am and what He doesn't like, He will fix. He can fix. That the gifts and talents I have were designed for me to have and what I don't have, that was His design as well. And the gifts and talents He's given to others? That was His design, too. I can't chagrin or resent this truth. I have to celebrate it and celebrate how He is working in the lives of those who I tend to believe are so much better, prettier, smarter, holier, wittier, and on and on, then me.

Probably the one area that trips me up more than any in the world of comparing myself with others is in the degree to which I believe I'm either holier or less holy than another person. I call it my pharasiac complex and I have been in bondage to it for so long that it's become pretty dehibilitating. I suppose it's a problem that only the religious-minded grapple with, i.e., people like myself who consider themselves worthy of Christ and can only accept His love for them if they are crossing all their t's and dotting all their i's - and making sure everyone knows that they are.

My life right now is sorta messy. No, it's very messy. Details are for a future blog entry. Needless to say, I'm in such a weird state about the "mess" because in my heart and spirit there is a rightness about it that I can't seem to shake, even though my religious self is beating me to a pulp. And the religious self is seeing others around me pursuing God in a deeper, more significant way and living right before Him in a way that I curently am not and I feel less of me and that translates into a little voice telling me that God feels less of me and is turning His head and heart from me. My comparer self throws shade on the rightness of the "mess" -- a situation that I believe so strong in my heart that the Lord is using to transform my relationship with Him and who I am in Him and doing the same in the life of the other party to this "mess". For some reason, I can see my Father glorified through the murkiness of this situation , and I see myself living more under His grace, more accepting of myself, and more accepting of others -which all adds up to me being the kind of accepting, loving, kind, encouraging, neuroses-free mom that I long to be for Jonathan. It's as if I have to go through this "messy" situation to get there. However, that doesn't make sense to my religious self - so she fights me. She compares, she contrasts, she beats me up, she tells me I'm not enough, I'm lacking, I'm screwing up, I'm not "as" this, "as" that. UGH!!! I so just want her to shut up so the Lord can do what He needs to do - even through something that my religious/comparer self thinks He cannot.

In a nutshell: I'm feeling sorta bloody and bruised right now. I took a good beating today. Comparer, perfectionist, religious Kim saw her weakness, her faults, her sin in glaring red against the purity of others pursuit of Christ and the cleanness of their lives, without regarding the fact that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and that we're all in need of His grace, His mercy, His counsel, His comfort, His rebuke, His forgivenness. That I am I with all my imperfections and He's doing a work in me even in my mess, despite my mess - using my mess - and He's doing the same in others.

Oh, Lord, please help me to simply admire and praise you for the beauty of your work in others -- their growth in you, their desire to live for you, the gifts and talents you have given them -- and help me to experience more clearly that "doing me" is just fine with you...and that Your word remains true:

Psalm 139:1O LORD, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.
2You know my downsitting and my uprising; You understand my thought afar off.
3You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways.
4For there is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered], but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
5You have beset me and shut me in--behind and before, and You have laid Your hand upon me.
6Your [infinite] knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high above me, I cannot reach it.
7Where could I go from Your Spirit? Or where could I flee from Your presence?
8If I ascend up into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol (the place of the dead), behold, You are there.
9If I take the wings of the morning or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10Even there shall Your hand lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me and the night shall be [the only] light about me,
12Even the darkness hides nothing from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb.
14I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.
15My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awoke, [could I count to the end] I would still be with You.