Doing away with complaints

Received a message today from life coach, Valerie Burton.  I usually ignore her emails, but I've been desperate of late to be done with all my griping, complaining, moaning and groaning.  It's toxic to me and Jonathan - and worse - he's started to do it, as well.  Whatever is noble, true, worthy of good report, pure -- rarely do I think on these things. However, the word says that we should. There is life in those kinds of thoughts.  Complaints are full of death and dread. No wonder I'm despondent and discouraged most of the time. I don't provide for myself and atmosphere where the peace of God can reign DESPITE my circumstances.

Presently, I'm not working AGAIN and I'm staring at about $39000 in debt. My Fiat is being serviced AGAIN for a fee of close to $3000. I need my Father to open a door of clarity about work and work that lasts and work where I can be a top contributor and a valued employee because of what HE IS DOING through me there - just as I was at IBM those 15+ years.  With each job I've had since leaving IBM, I feel less certain about my capabilities, even in Him.  I'm struggling so bad to remain focused and on task and to really work UNTO Him and not just to my employer or myself.  I long to flow in Him again, but to do so without the angst and fear that dominated my time at IBM. How do I get there?  Father show me.

Possibly working on this spirit of complaint or working it OUT of me is a first step.  Valerie suggested these three things.  I'm gonna give it a go here:

1. Make a list of 10 complaints.
2. Make a list of 10 requests.
3. Follow through with the list of requests to solve the problem.

10 Complaints:

1. Jonathan not following instructions.
2. Jonathan ignoring me when I tell him to stop making noise or being disruptive.
3. Slow drivers when I'm in a rush.
4. Fiat.
5. Lack of direction related to work.
6. Being back in debt with no realistic way out of it.
7. Demands from my father - and just general responsibilities with my parent's care.
8. The amount of time and effort to help Jonathan with his homework.
9. Any dealings with Kay.
10. Knowing in my heart God has not forsaken me, but experiencing His absence in the areas of finance and work and stuff getting broken, stolen and lost.

10 Requests:

1. God, move in Jonathan to have a heart o listen and obey me, responsible trustworthy elders like my parents, and his teachers and administrators at school and church - to be respectful and considerate of their request.
2. God, move in Jonathan to exhibit self control when in class and in public to not disrupt and hinder his fellow students learning or his teachers teaching or peoples activities in public places.
3. Father, enable to get up with energy so I can move quicker and get out the door early rather than always running - give me more time in the morning to get wherever we need to go.
4. Father, I need to you take this Fiat from me and to get it paid off. I need a miracle.  I cannot afford this car or the payments. Even if I could, I no longer want it. I receive your forgiveness for purchasing it by my flesh and not by my spirit - if by my spirit, I would have never bought it.  Father, remember my gift to Anthony and his mom of my beloved Kia and help me in this dilemma. The envoy is the better car for now and it works better for our family at this time. Father help me in this dilemma - indeed by your power - deliver me from it!
5. Father, show me what I should be doing as a career.  Open a door for me to pursue it and enable it to be work where I am well compensated, that is a true career where there is time for vacation and where I am truly contributing to the success of my employers through Your power working in and through me.  Give me work that is a joy to do - where I am serving others with the gifts and talents you have given me.  Father, make it a job where I can utilize my writing ability and make it a job that allows me to do it from my home office - that does not require a commute so that I can carve out time during the day to do things for Jonathan and my parents, when needed or even church or other community activities.  Open the door - Open my eyes - Show me Lord and then Open the door of entree and acceptance. Brother Seymour today said that with all my skills and talents I should have no problem getting a job. My problem is that I CHOOSE to not work - I don't want to work.  Father, it cut to my heart, but to a large degree, it is true. I prefer not working. I prefer just caring for the home, Jonathan and looking after my parents - or would prefer just doing that without being concerned about securing or maintaining a job outside the home.  However, if you do not work, you should not eat. And as a single mom, it is despicable for me to have this lazy spirit.  Father, deliver me from this spirit of desiring to not work, in the name of Jesus.  Father, I loose in Jesus' name a spirit of conscientiousness and a deep desire to work. Father, I know I asked to work at home, but the point is to do what I need to do - to not worry about my flesh but to be pleasing in your sight. Help me, Father!  I'm ashamed about not working and can't even tell April and Lolita or Anita or other's about it.  Father, just open a door to work and then in it do what You will so that it's work that lasts and work that blesses and honors you and blesses my employer and in that, I will be blessed.  The last time I sensed that was my time at Habitat for Humanity.  Father, thank you for working this out.
6. Father, teach me how to better spend the money that I have. To stop wasting it.  To cook more and not waste so much money on fast food.  Move me back to tracking my eating on MyFitnessPal and get me back into a regular exercise routine.  With a new job, erase this $40000 debt in the same way that you did for me in the early 2000's.  
7. Father, give me a heart of compassion for my parents and a better ability to negotiate their needs and demands, especially my Father. Help me to release them to You for you to do for them what only You can do - let me be a conduit of blessing and love toward them - empower me to do so genuinely and without force or for show.  Help me Lord.
8. Father, give Jonathan and I wisdom and understanding as it relates to his classwork. Father, especially bless Jonathan's ability to improve his math skills so that he is working ABOVE his grade level by the time he finishes 2nd grade.  Father, control my tongue and behavior when working with Jonathan. Give me a spirit of compassion and patience. Move me to get up and walk away and count to ten when I get frustrated - above all, keep me from anger and agitation with him.
9. Father give me the ability to erect boundaries with Jonathan and Kay and myself. Father give me a heart to pray for Kay and Carina and their family and deliver me from dread and fear and the spirit of comparison when it comes to them - remove all fear that Jonathan will love them better or will consider Carina a sweet, nicer mom than me.  Father, equip me to be the mom I need to be for Jonathan and I give thanks that he will spend more time with Kay. Enable that relationship to be a deep, rich and satisfying one for them both.
10. Father, I need quiet time with you. True quiet time with you.  I need to soak in your presence and experience you. I don't need scripture right now. I have a lot of scripture. I need you, without my mind going in fifty different directions. Father, open a path for all the stuff that's needed for Jonathan's room to be completed next week. Open time for me to sup with you and build and establish a quiet time with you.  I will not know with a KNOWING that you are not forsaking me despite current circumstances until I get that time with you. Father make anything else pale in comparison to time spent with you.

Remote...Remote...wherever you are - Come Out Come Out - wherever you are!

I have to get a job working from home.

That's it.

Period.

I can no longer do this commute to Hamilton. I want time in the morning to run or go to yoga. I need flexibility to handle care of my parents and Jonathan. I want to sleep in a little later.  I enjoy my team and the work is okay - but I really do not like it. I want an administrative role that requires some tracking and troubleshooting, writing and collaboration.  So, not so much IT project management, but coordination and management of pieces that enable the whole ship to run smoothly. I need to do it without distraction and small talk. I'm too tempted to do that or to sit back and let others do it.

Father, a job just popped up on Glassdoor with a growing, international recruiting and executive placement firm called WilsonHCG.  The job is a Talent Acquistition Coordinator.  The skills required fall right down my alley. It's more HR-related so a bit of a learning curve there, but I love the idea of working for a company whose focus is placing the right person in the right job for mutual satisfaction and contribution by BOTH parties - the employee and employer. I believe I can actually experience that for myself at WilsonHCG.  They celebrate a virtual working environment and the flexibility that it affords. They see that sometimes the best person for a job isn't living in their city.  I see autonomy in this job and trust from my employers in my ability to get things done! 

Father, I applied to the job so I ask that you lay your merciful hand upon me and open this door for an interview and an offer of employment...that they might even see me for a larger role with more pay.  Please, just make a way for me to join this company. Not by my will, but of course, Your perfect will be done.

In Jesus' name, AMEN!!!

Uggghh!!

Okay- it's been March since I last posted.  Spring, Summer and almost Fall have passed.  We just celebrated Thanksgiving. Jonathan is THRIVING at PASH.  I'm enjoying him there, but man, it can be demanding, homework-wise and in terms of the amount of communication, and the number of events and volunteer opportunities that you feel pressed to participate in - especially because we were blessed with such a huge financial package. On top of that, I met with Headmaster Rik Dugan and spilt that I traveled to Paris last year for the Marathon AND that we lived there btwn 2014-2015.  Not sure how that will look for me this go around with getting financial assistance.  Our first go in Paris was possible cause I gutted my retirement. The 2nd time cause I was making a nice penny at my temp gig at Intuit, and not really doing what is proper savings wise. I had never intended to send Jonathan to private school. This is purely a God thing. He put PASH in my focus and opened door after door for him to get there.  As I see it, He will keep the door open and make it possible for us to get the funds we need for Jonathan to continue attending...I hope.

Other stuff:  Well, Mrs. Lee found out through my dad (on a visit to someone else at Parker McCarrick - now Parker Somerset) that we wanted to sell the home. Mrs. Lee and her husband were the former owners of my neighborhood Dari Delite ice-cream parlor. A place that has been behind our home since we moved here in 1972. They owned it for 30+ years and just sold it to a nice Muslim family.  Well, she's been trying to convince Isa, the new owner, to move closer to the parlor, since it's open late hours and would help with his commute.  He has a wife and three young children.  Once she found out we were selling, she told Isa. He came to look with the Lee's and then with his wife, youngest child, a sweet little girl, and his dad (who is the actually money man in the family). He gave us an offer the next day and we accepted.  The Lee's counseled from experience since they also ended up moving nearby - a house down from us - about 25 years ago.  Anyway, today the home inspector came and it went well. Isa's taking it as is, which is an answer to prayer - as is my doing a direct sell by owner to a buyer, without a realtor and the associated commission fee.  God is good. He truly worked things out for us.  The closing is 1/5/19.

Another blessing is that Jonathan and I have been timely approved - or we're believing all the verifications of income and investments, etc. will be fine so we are approved - for that moderate income apartment complex in Skillman - the one we almost got into in 2016 but had to walk away from cause I got the high-paying Intuit gig. This time w'ere not on the side I originally got (street side). We'll be facing the parking lot. Worst - it's not brand spanking new, where we're the first ones in it.  Royally PISSES ME OFF.  Beggars can't be choosers, but I'm still pissed off that we could have been in a beautiful, brand new apartment for the past two years.  However, maybe if we were, I wouldn't have gotten the financial package cause I wouldn't of had as moving a story for Jonathan's application to PASH.  I don't know. Overall it's a blessing - but the pissed-offness sullies it a bit.

And basically that's what this blog post is about. Yes, blessings upon blessings.  Gratitude upon Gratitude. Thankfulness, Thankfulness.  I want to be the Joyce Meyer she is today who laughs at inconveniences and trials. But I'm not there yet. Prayerfully, I'll get there. But right now my main issue is my mother and the fact that she can seemingly no longer do these things for herself:

Clean-up her bathroom
Shower herself
Dress herself without putting on the same outfit every day
Stop herself from soaking dirty underwear or washcloths in the sink


UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!  I HATE ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!! JUST ABSOLUTELY DESPISE THEM!!

I don't have an issue with driving her around, making sure she's fed, making sure she gets her hair did handling her bills - especially since we've been living rent free since September - and I guess I shouldn't have a problem with all the rest because of that very reason in expensive-ass NJ.  I'm a supposed child of God, saved and washed by the blood, so I should have compassion and mercy on my mom.  She can't help that she can't do any of those things anymore. BUT I DON'T CARE. I'm sorry.  Maybe there is something egregiously wrong with me. Just evilly wrong with me. But I just wish she could still wash her own ass and remember to do it on a regular basis. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE HER SHOWERS! AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE TO DO IT, EITHER, CAUSE HOW FRIGGING DEHUMANIZING IS THAT FOR HER!! 

To be honest, what I hate most is that she has to deal with any of that and that we have to deal with it with her!  WHY THE HELL HER AND MY  DAD!!  He shouldn't have had to deal with it either if he were here at home.  What a frigging burden that would have been for him after dealing with all her countless illnesses and surgeries these past 20 years.  He's better off where he is, to be honest. And of course he isn't.

WHY DID THEY GET HAND SELECTED TO HAVE SUCH SHITTY YEARS in their elder years.  We have all these people around us thriving. Driving, traveling, going to the theater, going out for lunch, shopping - enjoying their senior years.  But no - 2013 was the shittiest year on earth for all of us and it hasn't gotten any better - save for Jonathan. And I guess that's just the way it's supposed to be. We're passing on and he's moving up into the calling the Lord has for him.

So, my mom will get into assisted living-memory care and I can only pray she does okay.  She can barely do anything on her own for her daily care. She puts on her makeup, does remember her teeth  -sometimes - does remember her hair - and remembers to dress - though usually the same outfit for several days in a row. She remembers to wash her sheets. Great.  FATHER CAN YOU HELP HER TO REMEMBER MORE - LIKE - get in the shower a few days a week and wash your body!!

I FRIGGIN HATE DEMENTIA.I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!!  Please Lord God almighty, give me my dad's brain. Period. Just make sure I did not get his insane ish that is consuming my mother's mind and stealing her last years. Why decent women like her and Mrs. Chiles had to be attacked, I don't know.  JUST HORRIBLE!! But horrible for me, too, cause I AM TRAPPED into continuing to oversee and  care for two ADULTS and I have no desire to do so. I want to live my life with Jonathan. Why couldn't they  have just gotten old together and died of regular issues, while still living on their own on the outside?

Oh, and on top of all that, my dad has a diagnosis of cancer in his ureter and associated issues with Kidney function.  We don't find out what will be done treatment wise until December 7.  In the meantime, we're praying and believing for HEALING!!  I have a word that my father would live until at least 93.  So that's 11 more years on earth.  God, you can do it!!

Anyway, I thought venting here would help. It hasn't. I still feel shitty and still hate my shitty situation.

It is what it is.  If you, Father, could help to alleviate this pressure by bringing me the financial help I need, that would be a HUGE help. I need at least 10000 if not 15000. I need these funds to flow into my life before the end of November. I need you to move on my behalf in a miraculous fashion. And please don't seek my perfection, in either word, action, or thought. It's not gonna happen. I'm asking based on Jesus who I believe died for me and lives for me and lives to intercede for me.  Answer my request by Jesus alone so that it is He who gets all the glory, honor and praise!!  I need these funds. Father so much burden will fall off me so that my mind can be more clear to do what I need for all these people around me.  Please hear and act. Please hear and Act.  PLEASE HEAR AND ACT!!

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Matthew 27:46 (NKJV)

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”


These final words from Jesus have become particularly significant to me in recent years.  There have been many times when I have felt that God was missing in action, had forgotten me, that maybe - maybe he really didn't like me that much.  The words, "Do you hate me God?!" have escaped from my lips more times than I would like to admit.  My prayers appeared to be hitting a brick wall.  I've felt utterly alone.  Despondent and discouraged, my faith in Him whittling with each unanswered prayer.

Interestingly, though, I was not aware until I started to write down what I wanted to say about these words did I discover that King David had made the exact utterance to God in a Psalm - Psalm 22:1 to be exact:

Psalm 22:1 (NIV)

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?

In this Psalm, David put into beautiful and powerful language the degree of his  upset about God's seeming absence in his time of great need...in his time of fear and anxiousness...in his time of persecution and danger.  Where was this great God that he revered - this God who enabled him to slay the mighty Goliath.  Where was God when he needed him most.

I identified with David.  His words resonated with me.

However, like David, what has kept me from completely abandoning my God...what enables me to remain hopeful that ultimately, ultimately He will come through for me, is that He continuously brings to remembrance what He has done for me in the past.  In the midst of his crying out to God, David managed to give Him praise for the myriad of ways that He had shown up for David and the nation of Israel.  David's Psalm reminded me that that the words of Jesus are true:  He will never leave us or forsake us.

I can believe this because for one moment in time, our great Lord and Savior, the altogether lovely one, our Wonderful Counselor, and Prince of Peace - for one moment in time, this promise - that God would never leave us or forsake us, was not true for him.  For one moment in time - for David's sake, for my sake, for the sake of the whole world - Jesus was utterly, completely, and absolutely cutoff from the Father.  Our sin upon Him, his Abba Father, His daddy, had to turn his back upon Him.  

And in this, we can realize the extent of Jesus' sacrifice for us.  He was cut off so that we can be assured that even in our darkest hour, God is with us.  We might walk away -- we might forget -- we might doubt.  But this eternal promise remains:

“I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!” 
(Heb 13:5 AMP)

JONATHAN IS A MEMBER OF THE 2025 CLASS OF PRINCETON ACADEMY!!!

I'm still stunned. In a state of shock.  Awed by the mercy and power of our Living Father God!  Thankful beyond Thankful for His favor and grace and outpouring of love towards Jonathan in extending him this gift - opening this door.  I feel this is in God's plan for Jonathan's life.  That He steered me to open that magazine last year, focused my eyes on the article about Princeton Academy and quickened my heart to apply, knowing that He had already established a place for Jonathan there.  In the 11th hour, I was asked to give information about Kay and that shook me. I was sure it would disqualify me from any real aid, considering his income. However, I was honest about our relationship and how Jonathan came into the world in the way that he did and that in the wake of his birth, there hasn't been much direct parenting from Kay.  They were so compassionate.  They understood. And they didn't consider my foolish financial decisions over the past few years and my underemployment.  They didn't because it was not God's plan for them to do so.  If ever I have felt that I am truly His child through Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, I felt it yesterday.  And I still feel it now.  This was a soul changing blessing.  My heart is so full.  My cup overflows.  

THANK YOU JESUS!! PRAISE YOU LORD GOD IN THE HIGHEST!!!!

March 16, 2018

Dear Kim,

I am delighted to inform you that Jonathan’s application for admission to Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart has been approved and we enthusiastically invite him to join the Princeton Academy Class of 2025. The Admission Committee is confident that Jonathan will be a successful student and that he will also strive to achieve the high standards expected of Princeton Academy students.

The offer of admission brings with it our commitment to support Jonathan in all aspects of his education and personal development. It also carries important expectations of him in that we ask all members of our school community to do their best to be productive students and honorable and compassionate stewards of our school and the Sacred Heart goals upon which we are founded. We hope you will join us in providing Jonathan a learning experience which challenges his potential and is sensitive to his individual needs. We know the formative educational experience and preparation he will receive at Princeton Academy will serve him well in the years to come.

Sweet, hardworking, and bright, Jonathan is clearly a full participant in his surroundings. We know that our boy-centered program is the place to encourage his curiosity and inspire his intellect and imagination. We also know that our attention to individual student growth combined with our program structure and hands-on engagement will serve Jonathan well as he progresses toward a consistently focused learner. Much is in store for Jonathan and we look forward to seeing his growth in our Grade 2 and beyond. We also look forward to partnering with you to best support Jonathan in his development.

We will also be forwarding Jonathan a letter and certificate to welcome him to Princeton Academy. These should arrive in the mail shortly. A separate email follows this one with instructions regarding the enrollment process and access to the online enrollment portal. Please read the instructions carefully and contact me with any questions that arise. Along with the necessary forms to secure enrollment, the enrollment portal also provides access to the 2018-2019 School Calendar as well as events this spring for newly enrolled families. 

We look forward to having Jonathan as a student in our school and we are eager to also welcome your family to our school community. Should questions remain unanswered as you plan for Jonathan’s educational future, please note that we will be hosting a reception for parents of accepted students on Tuesday, April 3 at 6:30 p.m. at the home of one of our current Princeton families. A formal invitation will be sent to you soon with more details.

Warmest Regards,

Jennifer B. Sheppard
Director of Admission

March 19, 2018

Dear Kim,

Thank you for completing the enrollment process for Jonathan for the 2018-2019 school year. We look forward to having him grow and thrive at Princeton Academy as a member of the 2nd grade next year. This email is to serve as your confirmation of Jonathan's enrollment for the 2018-2019 school year. A copy of your enrollment contract is available in your enrollment portal account for your reference.

At Princeton Academy, we care deeply about each of our young men. We are dedicated to creating a learning environment where our boys can grow with open hearts and open minds. Our mission is to develop young men with active and creative minds, a sense of understanding and compassion for others, and the courage to act on their beliefs. We educate and develop the whole boy in body, mind and spirit through devotion to our Sacred Heart Goals and to our Learning Principles for Boys. We seek to lead a national reinvention of boys education for a new generation of enlightened men. I know that together we will make this vision a reality.

Thank you for entrusting the education of Jonathan to our talented and committed team of faculty and staff at Princeton Academy. In partnership together, we are devoted to bringing out the best in your son.


Inspired,
Alfred (Rik) F. Dugan III
Headmaster

Things are looking up

Spring is almost here with all it's newness of life and promise of better days.

We just suffered a major snowstorm.  Downed trees, people without power for days.  It was a woozy.

Yes, I am ready for spring.

Last week, I think, was the darkest week I've experienced so far - even worst than that last, crazy post from 2/2/18.  I was without any hope. Despondent, irritated, angry, frustrated and just feeling so trapped by life and my present circumstances.

The hopefulness associated with spring was no where to be found.  I just wanted a way of escape.

In the midst of this depression, a Joseph Prince devotion reminded me that it is good to give God the praise in all circumstances, even when it seems He is not working on your behalf.  He is.  It may feel so much like He isn't. But He is.

He will never leave me or forsake me. He understands.  I have to trust Him.

Reading those words of encouragement helped a lot.  My sister in Christ Tena prayed for me, too, after I sent her this rant of a text message about how awful my life is right now.

Sister Sue Evans gifted me with tickets to see Mercy Me yesterday.  And the youth group was also going and seeing it from Infiniti suite seats at Prudential Center.  So, her brother-in-law, who leads the youth ministry and Jonathan's Royal Rangers, Jeff Evans, got us tickets in the same suite.  And oh was it sweet! AND the show was fantastic.

This too helped to move me closer to the light and hopefulness of spring.

I'm feeling like a leaf is turning.  Finally - FINALLY - Ms. Smith provided her recommendation for Jonathan's application to Princeton Academy.  We will hear by Wednesday if he has been accepted.

He is accepted.

Jonathan stood on the kitchen table tonight and called out to God to lift him up and I believe our Father heard that prayer and I agreed with Jonathan, so where two or three agree, He hears and He acts.

Jonathan is a student at Princeton Academy.

Jonathan shall be a graduate of Princeton Academy.

Oh, and I also got a job.  

I started on 2/20.  You wold think that would be reason to lift my mood. But it wasn't.

It's a scheduling assistant position - though I think I'm gonna change it to scheduling coordinator - at a new law firm, Davis & Brusca, LLC.  We are in Lawrence Township and eventually Hamilton and hopefully, permanently in Pennington.

Two primary attorneys, an associate, a paralegal, a legal secretary and myself. They're a cool group of peeps. I enjoy working with them.

I interviewed in Dec for the gig and thought I might get it then. I liked the flexible hours and the girls I interviewed with. But they gave it to another gal who lived closer with more experience.

She didn't last a month. Said she was overwhelmed.

After my first week, I totally understood and was about to quit myself.  However, I felt a quickening by the Holy Spirit to stay.  To see it out for at least 6 months to a year.

I'm now in my 4th week, and it gets better and better with each week. It's a complicated job. I have to email, be on phones (which I don't like), write deposition notices, schedule deps, mediations, client meetings, confirm all this stuff, reschedule most of it. I'm busy the whole time I'm there.

I'm learning a lot and I feel like I'm making a difference. Making it easier for the team.

So, I'm sticking with it and we'll see in a year.  I hope I get a nice bonus at years end:-).

The commute.  Bearable cause I make my own hours.  Probably will be about 27 a week. I can get my runs in before I go.

Once Jonathan is in Princeton Academy, it will be the same, if we can move to Montgomery, like I'm hoping.

And there's the other news.  There are vacancies in the low income apartments that we originally planned to move to in 2016.  I'm gonna apply again.

Walking distance away is a retirement community where my mother can be in assisted living/memory care and my father in long-term care - and they accept Medicare.  And it's beautiful.

Not sure they want Black folks. However, I serve a mighty God. He'll get us over that hump.

So, I'm believing and decreeing that we'll be living in Montgomery before fall 2018.  That my mom will be at Stonebridge. That they'll help us sell the home and the items my parents own they no longer need and that in due time my father will also join my mom at Stonebridge.

Finally, the big big news:  Parker McCarrick plans to take my dad's wheelchair. He'll be using a walker!  Praise God!! This is an answer to prayer.  I knew he would eventually not need that chair - not sure he really needed it after leaving Kessler, but I'm not gonna worry bout that. I just know that God is moving and answering prayers. So yes - YES - Spring is in the air and...

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP!!!

21-Day Fast - Day 15: Giving over all

The sermon from Pastor Scott yesterday was so powerful.  It was a life-shift kind of sermon.  I felt as if I came face to face with my destiny and if I did not make a decision to move forward as he was directing us, by the Spirit of God, I would never find my way completely out of the despair and stagnation that has been my life these past few years.

His text focus was the story of Joseph, but particularly the manner in which Joseph dealt with all of the delays and unfair treatment that he experienced over a course of 13 years between the Father giving him the dream of his future and achievement or manifestation of that dream.

He was hated by his brothers, almost left for dead by those same brothers, but then, due to a change of heart, sold by those brothers into slavery.

He was then unjustly accused by his slave owner's wife of molestation and thrown into jail.

While in jail, he helped two prisoners, enabling one to be set free, only to be forgotten once that prisoner returned to civilian life.

Ultimately, the Lord brought about the realization of that dream - prospered Joseph mightily and allowed reconciliation with the brothers who had so cruelly abandoned & hated him years before.

Through it all, Joseph remained committed to his Father and committed to living a life of diligence, calm, and poise.

And he never complained.

Not once.  And the word says that throughout all of the trials, Joseph found favor with God and was a successful man.

Even as a slave, he was the top slave.

In jail he was the top prisoner.

And finally as a free man, he was second in command to Pharaoh.  Just amazing!

Our Pastor noted that what is central to all of this is that Joseph displayed a spirit of giving over all to the Father.  He never solicited for any more than what was right before him. He clearly lived a life led by the Father and dependent on God alone.  Nary a pleading, begging prayer for anything that HE WANTED came from his lips. He was fully surrendered and as a result he was a blessed man - one able to love others, serve others, and forgive others, without hesitation.

I've spent most of my life begging, pleading, grumbling, complaining.  There's been very little, if any surrendering.

I know of one distinct time when I did surrender:  El Paso Texas, December 1996.  I came truly to the very end of myself.  In utter despair, emotionally spent, lonely, depressed, sad and hopeless.  I had no one but the Father.

He had me exactly where He needed me to be.

I left El Paso utterly broken, but within a month, the Lord had given me what I'd be striving for all those previous months:  Not one, but three job offers.

Thus, I know first hand that the surrendered life is the life He desires for all His children.  Yet, why is it so hard?

Well, after yesterday's sermon, already feeling almost as despairing as I did in 1996 - the excitement of my impossible dream of buying that dream house on 43 S Middlebush starting to wain - I found myself at the alter - pouring out my heart, tears soaking my face, and I gave all of it to Him.

A job

Being a parent to Jonathan

Being a caregiver to my parents

Staying in this house

Moving from this house

Buying a new home

43 S Middlebush

Renovating a home

Jonathan's schooling

Getting married

God fulfilling his word to me

My tongue

My behavior

My thoughts

Everything

It's all back in the Father's hands, where it should be.

Later at church, two elders prayed over me about work.  I no longer see this CSS job as a good fit.  It's not for me. I don't want it.  I sensed Labyrinth Books and the claustrophobic nature of that job all over CSS, and I want no part of it - no matter how nice the team might be.  The elders prayed for the Father to place me in the job best for me - at a salary that is appropriate - and that His favor remain on me to be selected - even found by my future employer.  That is what I am standing on now. I'm no longer looking. I plan to respond to inquiries only.

And by the goodness of God, I indeed did get an inquiry today from a contracting firm for a 12-month contract assignment! The description sounds like a great fit and it's in Bedminster - a location that I like - and it seems possible that this could be a work from home job.  I'm not gonna shake my head at contract jobs anymore.  My Father can convert the job to permanent - if not that one, than another. There will no longer be gaps in my employment. I decree and declare that right now!  In fact, this job will not require an extensive interview.  It pays well, it allows for work at home, and it is mine!

Indeed, this is a new season of believing and thanksgiving!  The pleading and begging are over.  I plan to walk in the rights and privileges of being a daughter of the most High God, my El Shadai - God Almighty - my Jehovah Nissi - Whose banner is over me - my Jehovah Shalom, Whose peace comforts and keeps me.  He is doing great things in my life and in Jonathan's life and all those who are near and dear to me. I can see it. I am so thankful for it.

You indeed are the GREAT I AM!  All praises to You in the Highest!  Thank you for Your Son Jesus, through whom I can come BOLDLY to the THRONE of GRACE to receive MERCY & GRACE in my time of need!

Hallelujah - AMEN!!